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1
00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:04,400
Eeny, meeny, miny...
DOORBELL RINGS
2
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:05,760
..moe.
3
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,120
Mel. Odie. Melodie.
4
00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:11,040
Hi, Andy.
5
00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,440
This programme contains
some strong language.
6
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,880
Melodie's in my flat. What the hell
are you doing up here?
7
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:17,360
I don't know what to say to her.
8
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:19,240
Apologise to her for your wrongs.
Yeah, but...
9
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:21,600
that's not cool.
Whatever you decide,
10
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:24,600
can you do it in your own time? I've
got to catch up with my homework.
11
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:25,960
Homework? It's summer!
12
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,480
I'm taking a fantasy writing class.
13
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:29,920
Nerd. I'm not taking it
for pleasure. I'm taking it
14
00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:32,400
cos you tell me that everything
I write is very literal.
15
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,520
Nerd. At least I'd know what to say
to Melodie.
16
00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:35,840
Melodie!
17
00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:37,680
DOOR BANGS
18
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,760
I ran out of fresh towels.
19
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,640
Would you like a drink?
20
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,480
No, thanks. It's just as well.
21
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,040
I've given up drinking.
22
00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:48,920
You've given up drinking?
23
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,000
Yeah. No social lubricant.
24
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,840
So, how did you find my new digs?
25
00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,920
Gwen Pearson and Shelley Asher.
26
00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:03,360
We're in a secret Facebook group.
27
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,200
You're in a secret Facebook group
with two of my exes?
28
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,560
Yep.
29
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,840
Nice garden flat, by the way.
30
00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:11,000
Thanks.
31
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:14,840
I just bought my mum
this exact same rug.
32
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,120
Carpet Brothers?
Yes. Oh, good spot.
33
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,600
I wrote the jingle for them.
34
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:20,560
"The selection's tops
and the deals don't stop.
35
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,280
"Shagpiles for miles,
we've got the lot."
36
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,240
Haven't heard of it.
Are these for your next jingle?
37
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,880
I'm writing a song for a boyband.
38
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,480
You? A boyband?
39
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,960
I've had to commune with
my inner teen girl.
40
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,920
My boss is a bit of an ogre, though.
Sounds scary.
41
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,080
I'm sorry about saying "lubricant"
earlier.
42
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,720
It must have just...slipped out.
43
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:46,480
So why are you darkening
my doorstep?
44
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,640
I was in town for a couple of days.
45
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:49,800
Cool.
46
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,400
It's nice to see you, Andy.
You, too.
47
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,000
Wait, I'm... I lied.
48
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,800
It's not nice to see me?
No...yes, it is.
49
00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:59,240
I mean...
50
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,720
I've been in London for two months,
51
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,920
getting my visa renewed.
I've got to tell you,
52
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,480
if it's taking you that long, you
should probably consider Mastercard.
53
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,040
And now that you've got your visa?
54
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,240
Heading back to New York.
55
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:16,040
Are you still...
doing all that book stuff?
56
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:17,880
I'm an assistant editor.
57
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,840
Young-adult fiction.
58
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,400
Mostly contemporary coming-of-age
stuff,
59
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,160
LGBT issues, eating disorders...
60
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:26,840
You know lots about that. Yeah.
61
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,800
Cos you've got an eating disorder.
Yes, yeah.
62
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,560
Look, Melodie...
63
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,720
Andy, I need to say... Sorry.
Assistant editors first.
64
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:38,040
You know when you want to pick
something up where you've left off,
65
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,120
but...
66
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:44,720
you've waited so long that you
don't know how to begin again?
67
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,000
If this is about my competitive
street-dancing career,
68
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,840
I've hung up my kicks for good.
69
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,840
Andy, will you be serious
for one minute?
70
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,200
Sorry. My therapist
says it's a deflection technique.
71
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,320
You're seeing a therapist?
That's great.
72
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,800
I mean, it's my sister.
But she gives me family rates.
73
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,320
That was another joke, I'm sorry.
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
74
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,200
(You don't know
how good it is to see you.)
75
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:03,960
Yeah?
76
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,000
Then why didn't you return my phone?
77
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,960
You knew I had it this whole time?
78
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,600
Well, not until Gwen and Shelley
confirmed your address.
79
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,480
Wha...?
80
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:22,160
The cabbie returned it to me
like that.
81
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,360
Look, I'll make it up to you.
82
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,880
Andy! Are you crazy?
83
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:31,280
Duh! Obviously!
I mean, that's sort of my thing.
84
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,720
I was too embarrassed to return it
to you because then you'd know that
85
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:36,440
I knew that you were back in town.
86
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,360
You clearly didn't want to see me,
otherwise you'd have got in contact.
87
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,720
That's not what happened. I thought
about getting in contact every day,
88
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,080
but...my life's complicated.
89
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:46,360
The guy on the phone...
90
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,760
He's my editor. And a friend.
91
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,400
We tried to be something more,
but...
92
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,640
But?
93
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,120
He knows I'm in love with
someone else.
94
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,720
Are you saying what I think
you're saying?
95
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,800
You haven't spoken to me
in over a year!
96
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,480
You haven't spoken to me either.
97
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:06,280
I needed you to make the next move,
Andy. It couldn't have been me.
98
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,360
Oh, God, forget it.
I shouldn't have come.
99
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:09,920
It was selfish.
100
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:12,960
I just needed to see
how this was going to play out,
101
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,600
but it was a fantasy,
it's just a childish dream.
102
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,880
I was coming for you,
that day you left.
103
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,360
I was on my way and...
104
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,040
something happened...
105
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,120
..and I froze.
106
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:28,480
I'm done chasing you.
107
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,320
I'm done dreaming about you.
108
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,480
Do you want to be with me,
the real me, or not?
109
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:35,760
Not?
110
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,080
I've never heard of her.
111
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,280
Melodie, wait.
112
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,000
Can't you sleep?
113
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,280
Are you feeling stressed?
114
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:58,080
Feeling inspired, actually.
115
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,920
Feeding the ogre.
116
00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,840
Well, don't let me disturb you.
117
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,480
Don't go!
118
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,080
You're my muse.
119
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,520
So...
120
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:16,600
in your fantasy, what happens now?
121
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,040
We could go for the record,
if that's what you want.
122
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,400
No!
123
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,720
I meant...
124
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,000
what happens to us,
125
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:27,560
tomorrow and...and the day
after that?
126
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,920
We should start with a nice
breakfast. Fair warning, though -
127
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:34,000
I am a shit cook.
128
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:39,080
Well, the cafe next to my Airbnb
makes a delicious breakfast.
129
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,720
Hmm.
130
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:42,720
And then? Then...
131
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:45,240
we could go to the zoo.
132
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,320
How did you know I loved animals?
133
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,880
Well, I knew that you fancied bears.
134
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:51,560
Shut up!
135
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,560
And then?
136
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:57,400
And then...we could take a trip
somewhere tropical
137
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,400
and master the art of hammock sex.
138
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,720
And then?
139
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:07,520
And then we would come
back to London
140
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,560
and we could spend
the rest of our lives together.
141
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,560
That sounds like a dream.
142
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,760
What about your job? And New York?
143
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,200
We'll work it out.
144
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,280
I love you, princess.
145
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,240
MUSIC: Downtown by Petula Clark
146
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,480
# When you're alone and life is... #
147
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,280
Morning, princess.
148
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,320
How did you sleep?
149
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:48,360
I am starving, like Marvin Berry.
150
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,040
# ..Downtown
151
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,040
# The lights are much brighter
there... #
152
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,360
Oh, no.
153
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,320
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
# ..Forget all your troubles
154
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:02,440
# Forget all your cares so go... #
Fuck!
155
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,800
"..He said. Hadn't their sexy times
clinched the deal?
156
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,720
"Perhaps he'd said something wrong.
157
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,440
"Perhaps he snored too loudly.
158
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,360
"Perhaps he lacked
the introspection to know.
159
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,320
"Perhaps he didn't listen
to his genius nephew enough."
160
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,120
Errol. "Perhaps he didn't..."
161
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:19,320
Errol! You do understand
this is a fantasy writing class?
162
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,600
There are many fantastical elements
to this story
163
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,120
that even I find hard to believe.
Be that as it may,
164
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:28,040
when we say "fantasy",
we mean the genre fantasy - witches,
165
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,840
dragons, magic, mythology.
166
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:33,040
Surely we're all bored of the whole
Game Of Thrones aesthetic.
167
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:34,840
ALL: No.
It's just, at the moment,
168
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,320
your writing is a little bit
too literal.
169
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,920
For example, one of your minor
characters is named Errol...
170
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,440
Minor?! No, he's more of a co-lead.
171
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,680
Do you feel you have the ability
to tell the same story,
172
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,520
but change the genre?
173
00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:51,120
You see, Errol, I don't normally
allow people your age into my class,
174
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,600
but you seemed mature
beyond your years.
175
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,680
Was I mistaken? You want mature?
176
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,760
I read the Guardian and
the Daily Mail, just for balance.
177
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,760
Well, then. Surprise me.
178
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,720
Ye Olden Times.
179
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:11,800
'It's the Renaissance,
180
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,760
'plus the Medieval period,
with a splash of the Dark Ages.
181
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,480
'In a quaint country inn, the stable
master was enjoying
182
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,160
'a fibre-rich breakfast
when his quietude was interrupted
183
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,360
'by the idiot stableboy
who lived in the cellar.'
184
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:25,040
The Princess Melodie
was in my bedchamber last night!
185
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,320
'Said the lowly stableboy.'
186
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,040
Did you fall into the vat of mead
again?
187
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,680
I haven't touched a drop in months.
188
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,840
The princess did sleep in my bed.
189
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,560
Innkeeper, you believe me!
190
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,880
Forsooth, I believe there were
a maid in your bed,
191
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,120
but if she spent the night,
'tweren't no princess.
192
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:45,200
I speak truth! She hath fled
and left only this note.
193
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,080
Stableboy, how are we
meant to believe you
194
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,720
when you tell
such fantastical lies all the time?
195
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:52,840
'This was the innkeeper's wife,
who was in fact a man.
196
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:56,320
'Take that, sexists.'
When have I ever lied?
197
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,440
What about the time you said
a dragon ate your goat?
198
00:08:58,440 --> 00:08:59,600
You don't even have a goat.
199
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,280
Because a dragon ate it!
Or when you said
200
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,160
a water nymph cursed you
with incurable allure.
201
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:07,240
Hello! Have you seen me? Or that
time you said an ogre forced you
202
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,160
to pay him in songs
to keep him from eating you.
203
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,560
That IS true. It's only because
you're simple and my blood
204
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,280
that I let you abide here.
You don't pay rent
205
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,520
and you're the worst stableboy
in Christendom.
206
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:20,000
I am a balladeer at heart.
Wait. He speaks the truth.
207
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,800
Every word is correctly spelt.
208
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,240
No halfwit stableboy
could have written this.
209
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:27,040
Thanks. But she's fled,
and I know not why.
210
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,320
Was it the sex? Maybe because you're
soft in the head
211
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,760
and live in a cellar? It's a garden
abode! And she knew all that.
212
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,200
And now I must find her
and profess my true love.
213
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,160
Can't you just ring her mobile?
214
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,920
I mean...
215
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,640
send a messenger pigeon?
216
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:44,160
My pigeon is no more.
I stamped on it to death
217
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:45,760
to...impress her.
218
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,120
Must you be such a dunce?
219
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,720
Maybe I am a mirror
220
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,320
and you are staring at your own
dunce-y reflection.
221
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,200
Shut up. No, you shut up.
222
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,440
Shut up. You shut up.
223
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,000
Boys! BOTH: Yes?
224
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,720
You both shut up and muck out the
stables. They're full of horseshit.
225
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,280
But my quest! But the horseshit.
226
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:04,160
But true love! But the shit.
227
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:05,840
I'll do it later!
228
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,760
But first, Stable Master,
229
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:11,240
come with me to find the princess
and make her my wife,
230
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,560
or die trying. Hmm. I'll pass.
231
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,720
I have a folklore workshop anon,
232
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,640
and I'm yet to be visited
by my muse.
233
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,280
Maybe our adventure will inspire.
234
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,520
Please. I need your IQ. Ah, yes.
235
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,920
My Impressive Questing.
236
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,960
If it's enlightenment you seek,
you should visit the Oracle.
237
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,200
Or the Wise Man.
238
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,280
Hmm.
239
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,080
Which is closer?
240
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,200
'And so the quest began.
241
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:37,360
'They bought supplies, which wasn't
interesting, but realistic,
242
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,560
'and then they went to consult...
243
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,240
'the Oracle.'
244
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,360
SPOOKY CHANTING
245
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,360
What's all that moaning?
246
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,160
Is it...
247
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,160
Is it sex noises?
248
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,840
Oh, must you always?
249
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,720
It's the Oracle...
250
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,000
making sex noises.
251
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,520
You should have heard the princess's
sex noises last night.
252
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,120
Can we not?
253
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,440
We can hear you!
254
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,240
THEY SQUEAL AND HOWL
255
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:10,240
ALL: We are the Oracle.
256
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,040
But there's three of you.
257
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,680
Yeah, we're the three aspects,
innit?
258
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,880
The mother, the maiden
and the crone.
259
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:17,720
THEY HOWL AND SCREECH
260
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,520
Wait, wait, wait, hold up.
261
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,880
Why do I always have to be the
crone? You're the oldest!
262
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,920
I'm timeless. It's different.
263
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,160
Why does she get to be the maiden?
I know for a fact
264
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,160
you ain't no maiden.
Neither are you!
265
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,840
Stop whingeing! We get it!
You're both sluts.
266
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,760
But someone had to be the crone.
267
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,320
But I could be pretty.
I've got good bone structure.
268
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,400
Bitches, be quiet.
269
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,360
These idiot stableboys obviously
have something they want to say.
270
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,160
I'm a stable master, actually.
271
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,760
Nobody cares.
272
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:45,080
We hear you can guide our quest.
273
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,320
Yes, but first, you must answer
a riddle.
274
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,000
I am light as a feather...
275
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,600
But even a giant...
276
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,240
Can't hold me.
277
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,080
The giant's a woman.
That's always the twist.
278
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,080
Your breath. I brushed my teeth.
279
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,800
No, that's the answer. Breath.
I told you it was too easy.
280
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,960
You pick the riddle next time!
Beckies, shush.
281
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,520
What is your query?
282
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,000
Do you know where I can find
the Princess Melodie?
283
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,800
She make a runner? Was it the sex?
284
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,960
No! The sex was... Please hold
while we buffer your query.
285
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,520
THEY HUM
286
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:18,000
ALL: # Melodie
287
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,360
# Oh, mmm... #
288
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,840
Yeah, can we move this along?
289
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,040
Yeah, we don't know where she is,
mate. Hang on!
290
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:28,680
I know you. Aren't you in
a secret group with the princess?
291
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,240
She told you about our
"Andy's a dick" Facebook group?
292
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:32,800
GIGGLING
Very funny, Errol,
293
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,160
but that detail might be a
bit too anachronistic. Fine.
294
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,560
She told you about our "Stableboy
is a horse's phallus" group
295
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,240
on the Book of Faces?
296
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,120
Oh, I hate the Book of Faces.
297
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:44,200
You've seen one woodcut
of somebody's baby,
298
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:47,600
you've seen them all! Hang on.
The entire purpose of this group
299
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,920
is to compare me to a horse's
phallus? Can I join?
300
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,840
More importantly, can you use this
group to find out where she is?
301
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,640
Let me think about that. No.
302
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,240
This is all a joke to you, isn't it?
But this is my actual life.
303
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,000
It's not a game.
My entire future happiness
304
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,520
relies on me finding my princess.
305
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,520
You, sexy mum, do you think
306
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:05,800
you can help me find her?
307
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,160
Why is everyone
always asking me for advice?
308
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:12,040
I've got my own problems.
Ask me! I'm smarter than I look.
309
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,040
And sound. I'm good.
310
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,200
Did she say anything about
where she'd been recently?
311
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,360
Only that she'd bought a rug
for her lady mother
312
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,080
from the Den of Carpets.
So, if they delivered the rug
313
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,720
then they'd know
where her lady mother abides,
314
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,640
and thusly her lady mother
315
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,280
might know where her daughter,
the princess, is.
316
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,760
I'm fucking good.
That was actually very useful.
317
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,720
Do you want to hear me play
the mandolin?
318
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,240
We're all right, thanks. Cheers.
319
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:40,760
If all else fails,
ask for the Wise Men!
320
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:46,320
ALL: Men, men, men, men, men...
321
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:47,680
BELL JINGLES
322
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,320
MANDOLIN PLAYS
323
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,920
Welcome to the Den of Carpets.
324
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,520
Are they magic carpets?
325
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,080
Oh. In a way.
326
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,200
In the way that all carpets
are magical
327
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,360
because they give us
so much beauty and comfort.
328
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:05,960
THEY SIGH
329
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,320
I know.
Everyone's expecting magic carpets.
330
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,640
It's actually been quite bad for
business.
331
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,080
By the by, what are you looking for
today? We are on a quest.
332
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:17,200
I love a quest! What's it for?
Like, a ring or a sword
333
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,760
or an enchanted cherry Bakewell?
334
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,320
True love.
335
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,840
Oh, bless.
It's the Princess Melodie.
336
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,480
She professed her love...and
then fled.
337
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,280
Oh, God. Was it that?
338
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,200
I heard tell that she stopped by
339
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,560
to purchase a rug for
her lady mother.
340
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:34,400
'Tis, um, a secret.
341
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,400
You wouldn't want me to divulge
a secret, would you?
342
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,920
Oh, go on.
No, I couldn't possibly.
343
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,400
Yes, you could. No, I couldn't.
344
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,480
No, stop that! No, you're evil!
345
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:46,840
Oh, you're ticklish!
346
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,640
I'm going to wee if you keep going!
347
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,360
No... I'm gonna piss myself!
348
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,560
Fine. You tortured it out of me.
349
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,360
My lady did purchase a rug.
She had it delivered
350
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,560
to a cottage in the village
of Dumpton.
351
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,080
But that's leagues away.
352
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,920
We'll never make it.
Not the old-fashioned way.
353
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,080
But using my magic...
Carpet? Carpet?
354
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,120
..cupboard, you'll be there in a
jiff. It's just over here.
355
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:14,280
If all else fails,
just ask the Wise Man. Cheers.
356
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:17,600
Sorry, Errol, but the tickling
seems a little bit odd, even for me.
357
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,040
I liked it.
358
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,520
Sometimes the truest things
are the least probable, Siobhan.
359
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,680
Fair enough. Anyone got any
questions or comments?
360
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,000
Is there a happy ending?
361
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,960
I'd like to keep this spoiler free
for now, Doris.
362
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,520
Will there be any kissing?
Maybe with some light choking?
363
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,960
TBD. I hope the stable master dies.
364
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,440
He's not very sympathetic.
365
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,360
Life isn't very sympathetic, Jane.
366
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,840
Um, yes. You said there'd be ogres
and elves and whatnot?
367
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:40,200
Patience, Dave.
368
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,280
THEY GASP
369
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:43,840
It's this way. How do you know?
370
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:47,560
Because our screen direction's been
left to right this entire quest.
371
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:58,400
Look!
It's the lady mother's cottage.
372
00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,920
DOOR CREAKS
373
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,520
You're...not the lady mother.
374
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,680
Close the door behind you, yeah?
375
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,400
Isn't that...
Princess Shelley? The Elf Queen?
376
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,080
Yeah. Princess...Queen?
377
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,760
Don't think too hard on it.
Stableboy, good to see you again.
378
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,160
How do you know the Elf Queen?
379
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,120
We used to date. It was quite
serious. It wasn't that serious.
380
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,360
It was pretty serious.
381
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,840
Stableboy, I'm here
to stop you from
382
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,320
making a horrible mistake. What?
383
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,280
Following my heart?
Believing in true love?
384
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,160
I thought my problem
was being too cynical.
385
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,760
No, you're a hopeless romantic.
You have no follow-through.
386
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,280
You love the idea of being in love,
but you live in a fantasy.
387
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:39,200
Why must you only pursue true love
after you've driven it away?
388
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,920
All right, I self-sabotage. I don't
know what real love feels like
389
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,000
so I assume it's supposed to hurt.
Now, will you help us, or not?
390
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,360
Who's Not?
391
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:47,800
J/K!
392
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,360
Look, I don't know where she is,
but...
393
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,240
dreams...
394
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,120
can come true.
395
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,280
Look at me, babe. I'm with you.
396
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,200
You know you've got to have hope.
397
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,040
You know you've got to be strong.
That's it?
398
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,600
That's rubbish. It sounds much
better when you sing it.
399
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,760
BOTH: Huh.
400
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,520
Or seek the Wise Man. I don't care.
401
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:09,000
Now, fuck off. I need my beauty
sleep.
402
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,800
Stableboy, I really hope
you find your princess.
403
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,640
Thanks, Stable Master.
But aren't you worried
404
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,360
if you live happily ever after,
it'll affect your balladeering?
405
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,880
Don't you write from
a place of abject misery?
406
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,080
HE ROARS, THEY SQUEAL
407
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,880
I'm an ogre! Feed me songs! Oh,
so you weren't lying about the ogre.
408
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,080
Why would I lie about that?
Because you lie a lot.
409
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,280
You do! You lie a lot. Fine.
I'll work on it. Good.
410
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,360
But you won't get a chance
if I kill you first.
411
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,160
Can we take a rain check?
I'm on a quest.
412
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,400
Do you think I give a flying toss
about your quest?
413
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,080
You knew you promised me
a song for today!
414
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,720
A song, or death! Er...
415
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,400
# I'm too young to die
Please don't eat me
416
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,960
# I'm too young to die
Please don't eat me... #
417
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,120
That's a shit song!
418
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,280
I won't even kill you before I eat
you, for that!
419
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,240
Wait! I have a song. A real song.
420
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,280
Of true love.
421
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,400
Go on, I'm listening.
422
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,000
FULL ACCOMPANIMENT PLAYS
# Lost
423
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,600
# In a land without love, hugs
and hope
424
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,560
# Set adrift
425
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,440
# On a voyage without pants
and socks and soap
426
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:21,400
# As we quest through the sleet
and the snow
427
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,680
# And the hellfire burns below
428
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,360
# Lost
429
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,280
# Ah-ah
430
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:32,520
# In a land without lo-ove
431
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,680
# Monsters and demons
erupting like semen
432
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,480
# They snuck through the cracks
in the nigh-i-ight
433
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,000
# They smashed open the door
and I've just rolled a four
434
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,080
# Now they're coming to take you
ali-i-ive
435
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,640
# With my trusty companion
we'll curse and we'll damn them
436
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,600
# We're questing by land and by sea
437
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,440
# Where she is, I can't tell
But her face rings a bell
438
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,760
# Yes, it's thee, my Melodie
439
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:02,280
# Melodie, my Melodie
440
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,320
# She was so in tune with me
441
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:09,000
# Melodie, my Melodie
442
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,040
# I feel her coming over me
443
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:15,200
# My Melodie goes round and round
My Melodie doth ring
444
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,320
# My Melodie was on my lips
My Melodie doth sing
445
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:21,880
# My Melodie is soft and sweet
My Melodie will do
446
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:26,280
# My Melodie is fiddly
My Melodie is true
447
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,920
# She's my Melodie
She's my Melodie
448
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,240
# She's my Melodie
449
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:40,960
# She's my Melodie
My Melodie-ee-ee. #
450
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,480
Hmm. The lyrics are shit,
but the tune is passable.
451
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,480
Not good, but good enough
not to eat you.
452
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,760
Today.
453
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,640
Until we meat again.
454
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,080
M-E-A-T.
455
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,200
Get it?
456
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:56,680
Yeah. We get it.
457
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,920
It's a pun. "Meat" and "meet".
458
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,320
Because I will...
Eat us, yes.
459
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,360
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking...
460
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,400
Well, I'm not short for an ogre.
We come in all shapes and sizes.
461
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,520
Thing to remember is, I am scary.
462
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,280
Raar! Songs!
463
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,680
They keep telling us to seek the
Wise Man. Maybe it's time we did.
464
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,320
I'd love to, but I'm going to be
late for my fantasy writing class.
465
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:19,960
Your what? You heard me.
466
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,040
Folklore workshop.
Don't be a nerd.
467
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,760
I can't do this without you.
I need you. You're my wingman.
468
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,440
I'm not. I'm your co-pilot,
at the least.
469
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,760
What's a co-pilot?
It's the other pilot of the plane.
470
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,600
I can't be explaining anachronisms
to you. I'm going to be late.
471
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,160
Your schedule is more important than
the love of my life?
472
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,840
Your love life is perpetually
broken,
473
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,840
and making me late is not going to
fix it.
474
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,920
Well, then, go! See if I care!
475
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,360
All right, then, I will.
476
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,000
Good! I don't need your help anyway!
477
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,800
Or anybody!
478
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,960
That's all I've got.
No, but the story's not over yet!
479
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,160
You can't just give up on the
princess like that.
480
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,200
What about true love? Fine.
I didn't finish the story.
481
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,360
My uncle pulled me away in the
morning and we searched all day
482
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,240
and then I had to come here. Errol,
483
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,520
when we say, "Write what you know,"
it doesn't just mean,
484
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,000
"Write exactly what happened."
485
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,880
I turned a gay strip club
into a witches' cave.
486
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,440
And the carpet store?
That was a carpet store.
487
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,440
But there was no magic carpet.
488
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,280
We had to take the Jubilee line
out to her mum's house in Stanmore.
489
00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,920
Ugh. That is really far.
She wasn't even home!
490
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,200
The whole conversation with
Shelley was just a role-play
491
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,880
to keep us entertained for the way
back.
492
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,560
So now the real-life experience is
over, where do we go from here?
493
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,400
I don't know.
Does that scare you, not knowing?
494
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,200
I like structure. It's comforting.
495
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,240
Errol, there is no wrong answer.
496
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,120
Just use your imagination.
497
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,360
The stableboy
wandered alone in the wilderness.
498
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,560
His beard began to grow very long
and smelly,
499
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,600
but he trimmed it conveniently
before we next saw him.
500
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:52,160
He searched high and low
for the Wise Man.
501
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,840
He put his life in great peril -
502
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,200
well, a little bit of peril -
503
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,000
until finally...
504
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,200
he came across a temple...
505
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,320
but it was shut.
506
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,600
He banged and screamed to come
inside.
507
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:06,760
Please!
508
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,760
No word. It was warded with magic
charms.
509
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:10,880
All was lost.
510
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:14,200
Until finally, he mustered
every last ounce of strength
511
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,360
and barged the doors.
512
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,960
You! You're the Wise Man! Yes.
513
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,120
It was me all along.
514
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:28,480
Only I knew you wouldn't listen
to me. OK. Explain.
515
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,160
Oh, hello, Miss Thomas.
516
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:36,360
Oh, hi!
517
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:39,080
Errol. You know, you don't need to
call me that.
518
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:40,880
I'm not your teacher any more.
519
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,520
I'm sorry, Miss Thomas. I mean,
Melodie.
520
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:44,920
So is Uncle Andy awake?
521
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,440
Er... Oh. I see.
522
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,360
It's better this way.
523
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:54,040
If you say so. I think maybe
you're too young to understand.
524
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,520
Stuff like this
makes me not want to grow up.
525
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,120
Yeah. Hold on to that feeling.
526
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,240
Some day you'll miss it.
527
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:05,240
Tell Andy...I'm sorry.
528
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:14,960
Why didn't you tell me from the
start?
529
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,440
You had to go through the journey
530
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,400
to be the man that would
come out the other side.
531
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,280
You were scared to tell me. Yeah.
You can't keep a relationship
532
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,320
because you pull away when
they get close
533
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,200
and then you cling on
when they want to leave.
534
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,040
Managed to stay friends with you.
Bros before hos. That's different.
535
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:31,240
It's not different, Dave.
And they're sex workers, not hos.
536
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:32,920
You're the idiot stableboy?
537
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,400
I went to a petting zoo once.
538
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,680
I imagined someone younger.
More blond.
539
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,360
I imagined myself!
You were pretty bang-on, then.
540
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:42,480
Roly, I do need your help.
541
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,840
I've hit a...bit of a dead end.
542
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,320
We're still in class.
543
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,480
That doesn't have to be a problem.
544
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,440
Well, she's closed down her
Facebook.
545
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,960
No new tweets in a week.
Her Insta was active yesterday.
546
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,440
Every morning, coffee and Danish
from the same place.
547
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,120
She mentioned a cafe by her Airbnb.
548
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,760
I know that cafe.
One of my submissives works there.
549
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,640
What's going on? So if we
check Airbnbs local to that cafe
550
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,080
that have been booked for the last
two months...
551
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,000
And input the time and geo-stamps
into this totally not
552
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,320
stalking-related app that
I've developed,
553
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,720
we can pinpoint my lady's location.
554
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,360
Presto.
555
00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:16,120
That is incredibly helpful, Dave.
556
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,520
Roly, I hope you're paying
attention. Good work.
557
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,200
Now go and finish that story.
558
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,400
It was probably the sex.
559
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,720
PHONE RINGS
560
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,080
Hello?
561
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:30,560
'Miss Thomas?' Ooh.
562
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,040
'Er, Melodie.' Er, Errol.
563
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:36,080
How did you get...?
'Your Airbnb landlord.'
564
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,680
He's really gullible.
Look out your window.
565
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:53,520
# Melodie, girl, look what
you've done
566
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:57,520
# You stole my heart in front
of everyone
567
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,800
# And now you've packed your bags
and you're on the run
568
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,360
# Won't you stay and talk this over?
569
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,240
# Melodie, my Melodie
570
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,720
# I've written you a medley
571
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,920
# Seven hours in heaven
572
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,800
# Now it's all torn apart
573
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,160
# Seven hours in heaven, darling
574
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,000
# It was you from the start
575
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:26,480
# I don't like you
576
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,760
# I li-like you
577
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:33,240
# My Melodie
578
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,600
# Oh, I like you-ou-ou
579
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,760
# I don't like you. #
580
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,320
I like-like you.
581
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:46,640
DOOR OPENS
582
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,440
I suppose I owe you an explanation.
583
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:57,080
If it's the sex...
No, it wasn't the sex.
584
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,360
The sex was great.
585
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,400
I needed to test myself
to see if I was ready.
586
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,200
I wasn't.
587
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:06,000
If it's the commitment level,
you know, too much,
588
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,960
or not enough, then I'm a dial.
589
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,120
You can turn the knob in any
direction that suits you.
590
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:12,520
That's not a dick joke.
591
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,600
Unless you...liked it.
592
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,320
It's not the commitment level.
593
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:17,800
It's the timing.
594
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:20,640
It's me and you, now.
595
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,520
Andy.
596
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,000
I love you.
597
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,800
Don't panic - it's not a proposal,
it's a promise,
598
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:32,360
to be the kind of person
that you want to wake up with.
599
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:35,920
I think I've finally got bored of
fucking stuff up.
600
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:40,200
It actually feels good to...
care about other people.
601
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:44,800
And, yes, I'm guilty of putting you
on a pedestal, but...
602
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:51,000
..I know now that you're not
some perfect, unobtainable princess.
603
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,320
You're...
604
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,440
You're just like me.
605
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:56,280
In fact, you might actually be
crazier.
606
00:26:56,280 --> 00:27:00,760
Oh. I want to see
how all that crazy mixes.
607
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,200
What do you say?
608
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,640
Pause.
609
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:06,880
Pause?
610
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,720
I'm going back to New York tomorrow.
611
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,800
But I'll be in and out
of our UK office.
612
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,960
And, no, we're not going to date.
613
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,000
We won't be friends with benefits.
614
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,080
I want to be real friends.
615
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,640
And, yes, maybe occasionally
we'll probably sleep together,
616
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,680
when we fall off the wagon.
617
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:25,440
And we're not going to lose touch
like we did before.
618
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,080
Promise me.
619
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,000
We both have to be good about it.
620
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,440
OK.
And then maybe we'll get together.
621
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:37,200
But maybe you'll find someone else
who's perfect for you
622
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,160
and I'll find another right person
for me,
623
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:43,040
and one of us has kids,
or a dog and a budgie,
624
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,120
and we grow old, and I get divorced,
625
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:47,520
or your partner dies,
626
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,560
and then, in the twilight of
our years,
627
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:55,000
when the buzzing has stopped
in both of our hearts and our heads,
628
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:56,120
then...
629
00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:00,760
Well, then it'll be our time.
630
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:02,880
But what if my partner doesn't die?
631
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,880
And you don't get divorced?
632
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:06,600
And we miss our boat?
633
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,080
Then that'll be great too.
634
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:13,120
A story doesn't just have to have
one happy ending, Andy.
635
00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:16,120
Like a Choose Your Own Adventure.
636
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:29,400
How occasionally will we be
falling off the wagon?
637
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:37,080
Bad news?
638
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,000
Just...news.
639
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:42,480
I get why you didn't tell me
you saw her leave now.
640
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:44,640
I just didn't want to steal
your hope.
641
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:48,000
Can I finally challenge you
to try a vindaloo?
642
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,960
Yeah. I'm up for an adventure.
643
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,040
The best adventures are yet to come.
644
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:55,960
C-U-M. Get it?
645
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:57,320
Yeah. I get it.
646
00:28:57,320 --> 00:28:59,120
Yoo-hoo!
647
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:02,080
I knew it!
648
00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,280
Suck it, dildos!
48970
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