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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,720
# You're so sweet and saccharine
I hardly can believe
2
00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:07,280
# That when I see you coming
I can feel you in my teeth
3
00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,880
# Racing through my senses
Candy in my brain
4
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:14,200
# Rotting everything inside
You give me sugar pain
5
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:17,880
# Sugar in my blood
making my heart flood
6
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,720
# Pumping through my arteries
7
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,280
# You hit me with a thud. #
8
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,760
OK, thoughts. Josh.
9
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,480
It's...all right.
10
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,320
Just all right?
11
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:34,120
It's just the "sugar in my
blood, making my heart flood"
12
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,960
kind of sounds like diabetes.
13
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,440
Huh... It's a metaphor.
14
00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:41,360
But if sugar's a problem,
I can always change it to honey.
15
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,640
It's not just the lyrics.
It's the Father John Misty thing.
16
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,840
You know, it's all a bit hipster,
faux hippy, fake folk vibe.
17
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,720
It's just not right
for our debut LP.
18
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,440
We could change the arrangement.
19
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:52,800
It also has no sex appeal.
20
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:56,240
Just given you a semi, eh?
More like a soft sauna dick.
21
00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:58,200
You know, I'm not shrinking,
but I'm not hard.
22
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,200
Trust me, put a Ginger Baker-style
drum arrangement on the back of it
23
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,040
and it'll get nuns pregnant.
24
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,920
Who's Ginger Baker? He's the drummer
for The Graham Bond Organisation,
25
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,000
and, more importantly, Cream.
26
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,320
He's cool,
but again, it's not our sound.
27
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:13,120
Look at FKA Twigs,
Disclosure, Years & Years -
28
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:17,560
we need to be in that, you know,
neo-soul, deep-house space,
29
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:19,040
but you know, boyband.
30
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,720
Cool...I'll work on it.
31
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,440
OK, thanks for coming in, blokes.
32
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:26,120
Now, fuck off,
I'll see you later at the showcase.
33
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,800
Rest those golden pipes, the two
of you who can actually sing.
34
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:33,280
Unbelievable.
35
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,560
I know, right?
Ungrateful little brats.
36
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:37,800
You never go against the talent.
37
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:41,000
But they work for YOU -
and you said you liked the song.
38
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,160
If Josh isn't happy,
I can't be happy.
39
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:44,240
Are you firing me?
40
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,520
Don't be ridiculous,
I'm offering you an opportunity.
41
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,160
You do well at this stuff,
42
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:52,560
and it'll be very good
for your potential...solo...
43
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,320
all that.
44
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:57,120
I'm going to put you with Alex, OK?
The producer of their EP.
45
00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:00,840
And if you two can't come up
with a hit by the end of the day...
46
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:02,320
THEN I'll fire you.
47
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,600
# Ooh, yeah, baby
48
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,120
# Got diabetes... #
49
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:09,240
Hmm...
50
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,600
I'm dying.
Is it cancer? No, worse.
51
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,160
Roly caught you wanking again?
I caught him.
52
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,680
Waste baskets full of tissues,
a whole house out of hand lotion.
53
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,640
All of the towels crack
like plasterboard.
54
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:27,960
Can you talk to him?
55
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,480
Why? it sounds like he's got
a grip on the situation.
56
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,800
Just tell him that it's normal
and it's nothing to be ashamed of
57
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,120
and make sure he's not getting
distorted ideas about sex
58
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,160
from the media and porn and stuff
like that, and that women are equal.
59
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,760
Why don't YOU tell him?
He won't listen to me - I'm a woman.
60
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,960
I'll talk to him.
I'm sure something will...rub off.
61
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,800
Eurgh! Oh, I need you guys
out of the house all afternoon
62
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,960
cos my fertility app
is showing three eggs.
63
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,960
Oh, no, not three eggs.
That is peak ovulation!
64
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,960
Me and Bruce are going to be at it
like teenagers.
65
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,160
What, fumbling around
in the back of his dad's Volvo
66
00:02:58,160 --> 00:02:59,600
before he comes all over your shoes?
67
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,640
Don't make me laugh -
my tits are really sore.
68
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,720
Are you sure you're not already,
you know...?
69
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,680
Don't jinx it!
70
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,400
Just get Roly out of here
and don't forget the talk.
71
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,120
What talk? See you later, bye.
72
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,520
Ah... Take a seat.
73
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,760
Roly...
Is it about me walking the dog?
74
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,560
Maybe now she'll finally learn
to knock.
75
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,200
I hate hormones. When does it end?
When I find out, I'll let you know.
76
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,560
The sneaking around is the worst.
77
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,520
It's like I'm cheating on myself...
with myself.
78
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:30,320
I was hoping I was going to fall
somewhere on the asexual spectrum
79
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,400
but I don't think
that's going to pan out.
80
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,960
I hate to admit this, Uncle Andy,
but I think I need a girlfriend.
81
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,680
What about, um, Ruby?
82
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,240
That ship has sailed.
She's dating a sixth-former now.
83
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:41,480
Tiffany? My soon-to-be stepsister?
Fair point.
84
00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:43,680
But you're never going to land
anyone in those clothes.
85
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,200
What? It's the speed of light
in metres per second.
86
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:49,320
Roly, there comes a point in every
skinny androgynous boy's life when
87
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,200
he realises that the
children's-show-host-with-a-
heart-condition look
88
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,240
isn't working out
89
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,640
and his only chance of getting laid
will be to go full vampire.
90
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,400
What's this? My old band T-shirts.
91
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:58,960
I used to be skinny like you once,
92
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,720
but don't worry, you'll fill into
your full manly shape eventually.
93
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,480
How did the song go? Oh, they said
I didn't have enough sex appeal.
94
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,680
Those pricks wouldn't understand sex
appeal if it bent them over a chair.
95
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,600
And unless I work with some useless
producer, I'm going to get fired.
96
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,360
Oh, dearie me, good luck with that.
Whoa!
97
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,680
Why don't you come with me?
I could use the support.
98
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,280
I'd love to, but I've got reading.
99
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,280
Any more of your "reading"
and you'll go blind.
100
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:21,240
That's a myth.
Trust me, I googled it.
101
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,160
Look, if you help me, I'll give you
102
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,480
a box of
Uncle Frank's '80s porn mags, yeah?
103
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,240
It's got long nails, tan lines,
full bush, the works.
104
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,520
Trust me, those things
are like gold dust now.
105
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,920
Well, I suppose I could use
some fresh air.
106
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,960
Remember, you've got to back me up
all the way,
107
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,040
otherwise this idiot's
going to walk all over us.
108
00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,360
You've got it.
109
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,360
What are you doing? High-five.
110
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,640
That looks like a Sieg Heil.
Put it away.
111
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,760
Look at him,
standing around like a douche
112
00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,760
while everyone else
does the heavy lifting. Huh!
113
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,560
Hi. Andy King.
114
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,080
MOBILE KEYBOARD CLICKS
115
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,120
Um...
116
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,920
You're Alex, right?
Lex, visitors.
117
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,440
You're Andy, right?
118
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,480
Alex? My senior producer.
119
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,040
I prefer Lex.
120
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,880
Hey, who's your bag man?
121
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,000
That's my nephew, Errol, co-writer.
122
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,560
IN HUSKY VOICE:
Nice to meet you, Lex.
123
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,520
That's a deep voice you got there.
124
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,760
IN HUSKY VOICE:
He, uh, takes after me.
125
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,840
You a big Massive Attack fan? Yeah.
126
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,120
Actually, that's MY T-shirt.
Quality taste.
127
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,400
From their Mezzanine tour.
Dang, you must be old!
128
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,960
I mean, I was really, really
underage when I saw them, so...
129
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,680
What's all this for? NTL are having
a press showcase tonight.
130
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,400
I don't know why Marsh decided
to dump you guys on me today...
131
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,480
No offence.
132
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,480
None taken. I love dumping.
133
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,320
It's not you. It's just, he knows
that I don't have time to think
134
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:00,240
about the next album when NTL are
still performing the old songs.
135
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:01,520
God, I'm bricking it!
136
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:04,960
Hey, no need to, kiddo. I remember
when I started producing...
137
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,960
Kiddo? Lol! Look, I only LOOK 16.
138
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,600
I'm actually 23,
and this is my 12th showcase,
139
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,080
but the jitters never stop.
ERROL CHUCKLES
140
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,000
I probably shouldn't have drank
five cups of coffee, though, eh?
141
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:20,000
Whatever gets you going, though.
Yeah, I'm going a lot.
142
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,840
People with dysentery are much less
likely to get bowel cancer.
143
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,560
That is legitimately interesting.
144
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,600
I know loads of crap facts.
Save it for the song, eh?
145
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,880
My PA, Trevor, will set you up
at the back table,
146
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,160
and I'll be back in a bit.
147
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,040
Thanks. Thanks. No probs, sexy.
148
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:37,360
Why, thank you. Right back at ya.
149
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:42,600
What? Uh, I meant him,
but, uh, yeah, you too, toots.
150
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,760
I'm really sorry.
151
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,840
It's fine. It's not me, is it?
152
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:51,440
No! Just that position was
a little ambitious out of the gates.
153
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,600
You know, you're still super-sexy.
Like Patsy Kensit.
154
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,360
Patsy Kensit?
From Lethal Weapon 2.
155
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,680
I know who she is,
but that was, like, 30 years ago.
156
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:02,840
So? Retro is the new now-tro.
Sorry, I'm babbling.
157
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,040
It's just a lot of pressure
trying to make a new life,
158
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,400
doing God's work.
159
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:10,960
Speaking of God's work,
how about good old missionary?
160
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:12,200
Missionaries are cool, right?
161
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,320
Yeah, they help with food aid,
literacy, building worlds,
162
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,600
forcing religion on people
who look like me.
163
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,160
There's no time for
colonial grievances, Bruce.
164
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:21,520
Get your head in the game.
165
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,880
All right, OK,
how about a nice back-rub?
166
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,480
Ooh, I never turn down a back-rub.
167
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,600
HE PLAYS FUNKY RHYTHM
168
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,720
Brr! It's cold in here.
169
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,880
You should probably cover up
your little chicken arms
170
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,920
with your old-man jumper.
I think you're right.
171
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,600
I think I should start
to embrace my physicality more,
172
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,080
tap into my inner immortal.
173
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,360
Is that because of what Lex said?
Get real.
174
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,440
You're 15 and she's 23 -
there's an eight-year age gap.
175
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,120
That'd be like trying to put
a Sega cartridge into an Xbox.
176
00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,480
She's 11 years younger than you,
177
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,240
and I'm going to be legal
in a few months, anyway.
178
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:05,240
What's a Sega?
Hey, what you two taking about?
179
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:06,400
Law. Sega.
180
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:07,920
Vampires. Jumpers.
181
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,720
All very good song topics.
182
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:11,480
Now, let me hear what you've got.
183
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,400
# You're so sweet and saccharine
184
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,160
# I hardly can believe
185
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,680
# When I see you coming
186
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,600
# Well, I feel it in my teeth... #
187
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:22,000
Can I stop you there?
Um, not feeling the sexy.
188
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,320
All I write are sexy love songs.
189
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,240
You've got think
about NTL's audience.
190
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,200
It's not about what's sexy
to a grown man,
191
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,920
but what's sexy to a teenage girl.
192
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:32,520
ANDY CLEARS HIS THROAT
193
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,760
IN EFFEMINATE VOICE:
# Anaemic little boy
194
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,160
# With nothing much say
195
00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:37,800
# Not on an asexual spectrum
196
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,520
# But a spectrum that starts
with an "A"
197
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,440
# He wants to date
the only girl that he knows
198
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:48,800
# But he's got to go home
to watch Michael Mos...ley. #
199
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,480
Hey. Don't you dare besmirch Mosley.
200
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:52,880
You can clearly riff.
201
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:56,320
Now all you have to do is find
your inner teen girl.
202
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:02,040
Oh, yeah. Sure, she's just screaming
to get out.
203
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,000
Help, I haven't got
an inner teen girl!
204
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,360
Yes, you do.
We all have an inner teen girl.
205
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,680
Penelope?
206
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,360
IN EFFEMINATE VOICE: "Yes, Errol?
Haven't spoken to you in a while."
207
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:12,960
I know. Sorry, I've been rather busy
with my school work.
208
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,080
How have you been?
209
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:15,840
IN EFFEMINATE VOICE:
"I've been very well.
210
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,680
"Sometimes I do wish
we spoke more, though.
211
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:20,120
"I passed my dance exams,
I don't suppose you knew."
212
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,760
No, sorry. I should've texted.
213
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,040
I'd love to carry on
with this conversation, Penelope,
214
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:26,560
but Uncle Andy has
a question for you.
215
00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:30,920
What...sort of songs do you like...
216
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:34,760
..Penelope?
217
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,560
IN EFFEMINATE VOICE: "I like songs
about strong female friendships,
218
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:40,600
"party songs for the summer
and songs about new dance steps.
219
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:41,960
"But I love nothing more than..."
220
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,560
HE COUGHS
Oh, God. What, what's wrong?
221
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,600
That voice is a lot harder
than it used to be.
222
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,080
Crap! If I get fired,
223
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,400
then Marsh isn't going to give me
a shot at a solo career,
224
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,880
and then what am I going to do?
225
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,960
I don't know any real teen girls.
Yes, you do.
226
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,600
'Hey, Tiff!'
227
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,920
It's Uncle Andy.
228
00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,800
You're not my uncle.
229
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,520
Well, not technically, but you're my
230
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:04,080
yet-to-be-married brother-in-law's
ex-step daughter, so...
231
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,400
What do you want, Andy?
I'm at my mum's.
232
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:07,840
I have a favour to ask.
233
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,280
Uh...
234
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,280
Good day, my ladies.
Here for the old showcase?
235
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,360
We've been here since last night.
236
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,040
We love NTL so much. Are you a fan?
237
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:22,000
Actually I'm here in
a professional capacity.
238
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,720
No way. Are you a singer?
Songwriter.
239
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,440
Working on a song for them now.
Just taking a break.
240
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:28,720
Mental recharge.
241
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,920
Can I ask you ladies a question?
What sort of guys do you fancy?
242
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,680
I only fancy boys in books.
What kind of boys?
243
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:37,480
Green eyes. Just green eyes?
244
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,160
Green eyes and secret royalty.
245
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,800
How can you be secret royalty?
246
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,640
Like a prince or a duke,
but he goes to normal school.
247
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,080
'You know, in disguise.'
248
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,400
And what do you find romantic?
'Love triangles.'
249
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,400
Like, she has to choose...
250
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,680
Let me guess, prince over duke?
'Mostly.'
251
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:53,040
Are we done? Sure.
252
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,640
You don't find Errol attractive,
do you?
253
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:56,800
'I mean he looks'
254
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,200
a cross between a stick insect
and that Scream painting.
255
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,200
Girls don't find THAT attractive
now, do they?
256
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,440
Bye, Andy.
257
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,760
Slow down, can you go over that
bit about the texting again?
258
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,120
OK, so when you steal his phone
259
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,200
and then you see he's been
sexting some other bitch,
260
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,000
and then you sext him pretending
to be her and then she comes over
261
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,280
and you get into a massive cat fight
and someone films it.
262
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,080
Oh, wait, that's happened to you?
263
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,800
Yeah, or like when you send nudes
on Snapchat, but then you break up,
264
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,480
and he asks for ransom or
he'll, like, put them up online,
265
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,280
but you're like "I'm proud
of all of this. #BodyPos."
266
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,680
Isn't all of this illegal?
267
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:29,120
If he acts crazy, that means
he loves you. That's passion.
268
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,160
Do you think older women
are into that too?
269
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:32,920
There you are.
270
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:36,040
Ladies, is this little nerd
bothering you?
271
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,320
Is he your dad?
272
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:41,280
I'm his young, cool uncle.
Like Uncle Jesse from Full House.
273
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,880
What's Full House? Google it.
274
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:47,800
So, what are you lot talking about?
Vaping? Alcopops? Emojis?
275
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,000
Nothing. Nothing.
276
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,720
I don't believe it. I know.
277
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,840
Those girls were demented.
All they care about is drama.
278
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,120
What about climate change,
279
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,520
the refugee crisis,
or dissolution of the EU?
280
00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,920
No, I can't believe
that they were sacred of me.
281
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,360
I used to be a hit
with teenage girls,
282
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,040
and now I'm just a gross old guy.
283
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,680
How can I write a song for them
if they don't even like me?
284
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,440
Snap out of it,
you just need a confidence boost.
285
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,080
OK. Tell me something
nice about myself.
286
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,280
Not from me.
From someone who means it.
287
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,680
PHONE RINGTONE
288
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,520
Yello? 'Gwen.'
289
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,760
What did you see in me?
290
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,080
Oh, no, are you having another
dark night of the soul?
291
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,320
No, no.
'You need me to sing lead vocals'
292
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,120
on another track cos
you finally realised
293
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,320
I'm a better singer than you?
294
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,840
You wish!
295
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,680
What is it, then? 'It's just...'
296
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,000
am I sexy?
297
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,920
Mm...
298
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,240
I'll take that as a yes.
299
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:36,920
I told you not to take that call.
300
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,360
I know, but with Andy, you never
know if it's life or death.
301
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,000
Sorry, Andy,
the TV's on really loud.
302
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,040
I'll turn it down.
303
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,640
'Why did you like me?'
304
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,920
I mean, you're nine years younger
than me - what was the attraction?
305
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:51,560
Well, I like hairy-beary guys,
and you had great weed.
306
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,920
Plus I'm into
emotionally fragile men.
307
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:57,240
'Or how about I was a massive stud?'
308
00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:00,120
I mean, you used to love that thing
I did with my tongue, didn't you?
309
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,480
THEY LAUGH
310
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:03,960
Is that Casper?
311
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,640
Hey, stud!
312
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,520
Ooh! Bye!
313
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,520
Ha, ha...ha...
314
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,360
What thing he did with his tongue?
315
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,200
He'd write lyrics with his tongue,
and I'd have to guess the song.
316
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,040
It gave me a whole new appreciation
for Cool For Cats.
317
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,400
I'll show your cat what's cool.
318
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:30,400
How long have I been asleep?
Two hours. Shit! Two hours?
319
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,920
I know, I know, three eggs,
but you looked so serene.
320
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,680
Oh, man, those back-rubs are lethal.
321
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,240
Are you working on a new comic?
322
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:44,680
Yes. But...it's not finished.
323
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,440
Ow! What?
324
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,160
# I've got green eyes
I've counted two
325
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:52,960
# I sent those pictures just for you
326
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,760
# My blood is blue
My eyes are green
327
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,520
# My texts for you
They were obscene
328
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,240
# I saw the cat fight from my phone
329
00:13:58,240 --> 00:13:59,920
# I filmed it on my mobile phone
330
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,640
# I am a secret royalty
331
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,560
# I have green eyes
They help me see...
332
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:06,760
# Green! #
333
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,800
The green eyes.
Is that, like, a metaphor?
334
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,880
What? No, the...the...
I mean, they're just green eyes.
335
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,960
I thought
that's what you girls liked.
336
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:19,600
Sure, sure. It's just, I hear
"green eyes", I think jealousy.
337
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,680
Who's jealous? Of what?
338
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,440
THEY CHUCKLE
339
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,160
What did you think of the cat fight
and the filming it part?
340
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,720
That bit was kind of cool.
341
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,040
Look, the tune is good.
342
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,160
You just need to know
the emotional through line.
343
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,800
Keep trying.
I'm sure you'll crack it.
344
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,000
You hear that?
She thinks I'm kind of cool
345
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:47,200
She said "kinda cool"
like Screech is "kinda handsome".
346
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,960
What's Screech? Saved By The Bell.
Was that another old thing?
347
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,040
She said the only good part was
the tune, and that was all me.
348
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:54,800
Look, Uncle Andy,
you always get the girl.
349
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,400
Can't you just give me
this one shot?
350
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,440
And if I fall,
it'll be on my own sword.
351
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,960
I hear you've been doing
a lot more than falling on it.
352
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,720
Fine, you go for it.
353
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,600
In fact, I'll even help.
I know loads about older ladies.
354
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,720
You'd do that for me?
Sure, pal, what are uncles for?
355
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,520
First, I'll open up with
a cheeky joke,
356
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,920
like, uh, what do you call a person
who plays too much saxophone?
357
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,960
What? A sax addict.
358
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,760
Then I'll move on to talk
about art, literature and music.
359
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,440
And then I'll slip in a humble brag.
360
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,600
Nicola Sturgeon followed me
on Twitter.
361
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,320
Have you heard of negging?
Like adding negative integers?
362
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:31,000
It's a compliment that's also
a subtle knock to her self-esteem.
363
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,480
Why would you want to do that?
To make her crave your approval.
364
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:37,400
Example - you remind me of
my little sister. She's a real nerd.
365
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:38,880
Now your turn.
366
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:43,600
I like your hands.
They look soft, but not...too soft.
367
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,480
No. Again.
368
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,560
Hi, are you lost? Why?
369
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,960
Because you've got a far-off look.
370
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,720
Maybe you're a dreamer.
371
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:57,200
Or maybe you're scared that people
can see what you really are.
372
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,760
A bitter impostor
grasping at shreds of bliss
373
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,200
while real happiness falls
through your fingers,
374
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,200
knowing that you'll never have
the life that you desperately crave.
375
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,160
You're too broken inside.
376
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,320
Can I get you a drink?
Bet...better.
377
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,120
Also, I like the grey in your beard.
It's distinguished like a rabbi.
378
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,280
OK, we get it!
379
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,960
Get back to me, yeah?
OK, cool, nice.
380
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,520
Marsh will be here soon.
You guys got new lyrics ready?
381
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:25,560
No, but I...I like
your old-lady shoes.
382
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,120
Uh...thanks.
383
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,200
Um, I got them off your mum.
384
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,840
Well, at least you can change
your shoes.
385
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:35,800
Shame about...your...face.
386
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,800
Are you negging me?
387
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,240
No, what gave you that dumb idea?
388
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,400
SHE GIGGLES
389
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,320
You stupid cutie!
390
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,920
Mmm, too bad. Better luck next time.
391
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,640
She called me cute.
392
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,840
Psst! Hey, Errol.
393
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,240
Ooh, hello, girls.
Are you, uh...
394
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,560
You're...you're looking all
very tired.
395
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,240
It's from all this waiting.
396
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:10,680
Yeah, good luck checking in
with all those...bags.
397
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:15,000
Maybe you could help us
get in early, give us a tour?
398
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,520
We'd make it worth your while.
399
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:21,880
Hey, Andy, you ready for me?
I'm caffeinated and fascinated.
400
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,520
And plus we're running low on time,
so...
401
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,560
Look, I just want to say I'm sorry
402
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,040
if I came across
as defensive earlier.
403
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,040
I'm a passionate and sensitive guy,
you know?
404
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:33,680
I can't switch it off.
405
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:38,320
When I write - and between the
sheets. It's a gift and a curse.
406
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:39,720
Mostly a gift.
407
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,520
Dude, you have nothing
to apologise for.
408
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,640
I just want you to write
from an honest place.
409
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,160
Now, come on, bring it in.
410
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,320
Lex! OK, BRB.
411
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,560
I want to hear some lyrics.
412
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,360
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
413
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,160
What was all that about?
I don't know.
414
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,240
One minute we were discussing
chord progressions,
415
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,840
and the next, she was all over me.
416
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,040
Can't a guy get any work done
around here?
417
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,080
What's with the posse,
joining the suffragettes?
418
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:11,160
They begged me for a backstage tour.
Turns out I'm irresistible.
419
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,480
Hey, is that my baby?
Hey, boyfriend!
420
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,080
"Boyfriend"?
421
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,480
Whoo! Mwah!
422
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:22,240
Of course that's why she's
their producer. Total nepotism!
423
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:23,920
Well, technically, it's cronyism.
424
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,360
Josh, you know Andy,
425
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:29,360
and that's his nephew, co-writer
and all-round cutie, Errol.
426
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:31,880
Phew! For a second I thought
I was meeting my replacement.
427
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,280
Nice shirt, little man.
Actually, that's MY shirt.
428
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,440
And I'm not little. I'm in
the top 15th percentile for my age.
429
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:41,240
I thought it'd be good for Josh
to hear the track before Mar...
430
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:44,040
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, shit, it's Marsh.
431
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,560
Yeah, yeah. Great.
432
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,440
What an idiot. He's not going to
provide for her needs.
433
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,560
I could do our taxes
and maximise our return.
434
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,080
And look at his little torso,
I bet he's a shit big spoon.
435
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,840
He doesn't even know the best
brunch spots. Bet he uses Time Out.
436
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,640
She should start afresh with
someone young
437
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,000
who understands the intricacies of
self-employed status.
438
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,000
Or she could go for someone
with a driving licence
439
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,200
and can legally buy alcohol.
440
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,960
Did I mention I know how to brew
alcohol? Not to toot my own horn.
441
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,160
And you do like to toot it.
442
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,520
Code red, guys.
Marsh will be here in 30 minutes.
443
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,040
Well, I should, uh, relieve myself
of my tour group.
444
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:15,160
Girls!
445
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:17,520
I've lost my girls.
446
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,000
Girls!
447
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,320
Girls!
448
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,360
Oh!
449
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,320
We saw you talking to Josh. Oh, him.
450
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,280
Can you introduce us?
Josh is my absolute fave.
451
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,960
Well, Liam's my favourite
and then Josh,
452
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,120
but I ship "Losh",
so I'm good either way.
453
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,680
I don't want to get in any trouble.
454
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,600
You're cute, you remind me of my
brother. He's also a coward.
455
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,720
Are you negging me?
We're not negging. We're begging.
456
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,080
Please, you're too cute to be mean!
457
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,280
Come on, come on,
we'll do anything... Please...
458
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,840
Please! Please!
459
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,600
Ladies!
460
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,000
Control yourselves.
461
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:57,720
Andy.
462
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,880
Let me ask you a question,
463
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:04,760
and, uh, answer me honestly.
464
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,360
OK.
465
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:09,400
6.75 inches. 7 if I pull on it.
466
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,680
What? No.
467
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,880
What do you think
about romance novels? Rubbish.
468
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:20,440
And girlie things like ponies,
dolls and sparkly vampires?
469
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:21,880
Crap, crap and more crap.
470
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,640
And...boy bands?
471
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,680
It's all right, just let it out.
472
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,200
I hate them. I hate them and
their music, all right?
473
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,760
They're disposable, insubstantial
bubble-gum pop crap.
474
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:38,840
And only teen girls love them,
so you think it's beneath you.
475
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,880
And you're trying to write
a bad song
476
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,000
because you think
that's what the audience deserves.
477
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,920
Andy...
478
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,080
the Beatles were a boyband.
479
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,080
The Pistols were
a manufactured pop group.
480
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,360
Once you strip it back, all you're
left with are chords and lyrics.
481
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,000
A song is a song.
482
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,520
And all audiences
deserve your best effort.
483
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,640
So, what you're saying...
484
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,360
is that it's almost as if...
485
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:13,840
..teenage girls...
486
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:16,560
..are people.
487
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,400
SHE CLICKS TONGUE
488
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,560
DOORBELL RINGS
489
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,680
Hi, I'm Lance, your IT specialist.
490
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,680
I understand you have
a computer that needs servicing.
491
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,360
You've got malware on
your hard drive
492
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,400
from downloading
too much filthy pornography.
493
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:31,720
Oh, dear...
494
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,560
Yeah, it's quite
serious...pornography.
495
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,360
I've been a naughty girl, I guess,
so what you going to do?
496
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:42,400
Well, I'll just have to reformat
your hard drive from scratch.
497
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,360
Jesus, I hope you still have
your OS start discs.
498
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,960
But what are you going to do to me?
Give you a stern talking to about
499
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,800
which websites you visit
in the future.
500
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,080
I suggest downloading AdBlock
and creating a whitelist,
501
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,720
and you should use
private browsing mode
502
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,240
and delete these cookies regularly.
503
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:57,280
It's fine, we all make mistakes.
Bruce...
504
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,480
Too technical?
505
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,000
It's moved away from sexual fantasy
into actual IT support.
506
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,880
Sorry, I just get really annoyed
when the jargon's not accurate.
507
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,560
This isn't getting us
out of our comfort zone enough.
508
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,040
It's hard keeping it fresh
with all this pressure.
509
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,000
I just wish we could do something
spontaneous... And filthy.
510
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:16,720
Really, really filthy, like,
properly nasty disgusting filth.
511
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,640
Ha!
THEY SIGH
512
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,680
Yep, nothing more filthy
than Andy's flat.
513
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,320
THEY CHUCKLE
514
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,720
Freud would have a field day
with this one.
515
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,080
DOOR OPENS
516
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,240
Help. Teach me to stop being sexy.
517
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,640
It's a family curse,
what am I supposed to do?
518
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:40,280
You've stolen my mojo. I should've
never given you all my T-shirts.
519
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:42,600
It's not the T-shirts -
it's me. I'm metamorphosing.
520
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:44,200
We get it. Puberty is Kafkaesque.
521
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,240
Kafkaesque doesn't actually refer
to body horror,
522
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,440
it means nightmarishly bureaucratic,
but whatever.
523
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,520
Oh, yeah, whatever
Mr I-Know-Big-Words.
524
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:53,040
Riddle me this -
where's the G-spot? Irrelevant.
525
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,080
You're just jealous
cos Lex likes me more than you.
526
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,160
You're kidding yourself.
She's out of your league.
527
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,960
The closest you've ever come
to a girlfriend
528
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,960
is "Rosie Palm"
and her five friends. Oh, yeah?
529
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,880
Well, at least
I don't have genital warts,
530
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:05,440
and I never will
because I've had the HPV vaccine.
531
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:10,760
I mean, I don't have genital warts
either, um, any...anymore.
532
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:16,320
HE SIGHS
That's it. I'm done here.
533
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:20,240
I'll just tell Marsh it's over
and then, so long, solo career.
534
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:23,200
Go and say goodbye to your eight
million girlfriends, we're leaving.
535
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,360
What's a nice girl like you doing
in a place like this?
536
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,360
Oh, you were right, Josh.
537
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:35,880
I've lost it.
I don't have sex appeal any more.
538
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,200
I'm like Freddie Prinze Jr
after Scooby-Doo.
539
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:39,960
And now I've got to watch
my nerd nephew
540
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,840
rise to the top of the mountain
while I get put out to pasture.
541
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,840
And now it's cardigans and prunes
from here on out.
542
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,680
Oh, shut it, I said the song had
no sex appeal, not you, you numpty.
543
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,960
I think you're sexy as fuck.
544
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:56,240
Really?
You're not just...blowing smoke?
545
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,960
I would like to blow something.
546
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:01,280
I mean, you're a bit on the young
side for me, but I love a good DILF.
547
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,920
Well, I'm not actually a dad...
Whatever.
548
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,480
You can be my daddy any time.
549
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,600
Just count yourself lucky
that I am taken.
550
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,960
Cos you're dating Lex, right?
No, wrong team. She's just a bestie.
551
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,200
See you around, hot stuff. Woof.
552
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:19,520
Woof.
553
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,800
# Baby girl
554
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,400
# I've been watching you
555
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:29,440
# Something strange is happening
556
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,800
# I feel it deep inside
Oooh
557
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:35,880
# Never been so vulnerable
You've left me open wide
558
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:39,640
# Every time your name comes up
this jackal tries to hide
559
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:42,000
# Oooh
When I saw you kissing
560
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,080
# Something deep within me died
561
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:47,880
# I've been going crazy girl
I've nearly lost my mind
562
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,600
# Green-eyed
In fact, I'm past insanity
563
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,960
# So nearly is too kind
Oooh
564
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:57,200
# Your picture's on the internet
It wasn't hard to find
565
00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:01,240
# Didn't see it coming
cos this green eye's made me blind
566
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,840
# Green-eyed monster
Work your body
567
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,000
# Work, work your body
Oooh
568
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,080
# Watching you across the room
569
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,920
# Green-eyed monster
Work your body
570
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,480
# Work, work your body
Oooh
571
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,760
# Watching you across the room
Ah, ah, yeah
572
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,000
RAPPING: # I went to the doctor
573
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,240
# With a green-eyed monster
574
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,480
# Said she could handle it
What did she say?
575
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,040
# But it's going to cost ya
576
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:33,520
# I've given up on food and sleep
I don't know what to do
577
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:37,640
# Who are all these assholes
stood before me in the queue?
578
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:41,640
# It isn't paranoia
if it turns out to be true
579
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:45,200
# You've told me it was over
now you've left me feeling
580
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:49,160
# Green-eyed monster
Ye-ea-ah
581
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:52,680
# I've been paying for my sins
Ye-ea-ah
582
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,640
# Green-eyed monster never wins
583
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,360
# Green-eyed monster
Ye-ea-ah
584
00:25:57,360 --> 00:26:01,440
# I've been trying everything
Ye-ea-ah
585
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,920
# I've been going
through your bins. #
586
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,360
Green eyes
as a metaphor for jealousy.
587
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:15,960
Clever. Josh, verdict.
588
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,560
It'll get nuns pregnant.
589
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,160
Welcome to the dark side.
590
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,480
You've just written
your first boy-band song.
591
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:26,240
Well, couldn't have done it
without you.
592
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,920
I think I have a new-found respect
for what Zayn went through.
593
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,960
Teenage girls can be scarier
than the Zika virus.
594
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,560
Oh, my God! Ladies, not now.
595
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:35,800
Errol, can you step aside?
596
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:37,680
Yeah, you're blocking our view
of Josh.
597
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,360
Well, time to get to work.
598
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:41,520
GIRLS SQUEAL
599
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:45,120
You guys staying for the showcase?
I got to get home, laundry night.
600
00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:46,520
Errol might stay, though.
601
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:55,080
Lex, I have no artistry
in this area, but here goes.
602
00:26:56,080 --> 00:27:00,120
I dig you, and, uh,
what do you think of younger guys?
603
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:02,960
I'm going to be legal
in a few months, anyway.
604
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,520
You're not ready for
a woman in her 20s.
605
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,960
But...I'm mature for my age.
606
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,680
Look, you're very cute,
and I love your T-shirt,
607
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,640
but I need a guy who remembers
before Facebook was invented,
608
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:18,920
and you need a nice person
closer to your age.
609
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:20,080
You feel me?
610
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,240
Uncle Andy, wait, wait, wait.
611
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:25,160
What happened with Lex?
612
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,320
I just remembered
it's the Countdown finals tonight.
613
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,040
I love watching Rachel Riley
bash out those vowels.
614
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:35,560
Get it? Bash out.
Because it's a masturbation joke.
615
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:38,560
I get it.
Actually that reminds me...
616
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,800
Those should keep you busy
for a while. Thank you.
617
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:42,360
And we should probably make a rule
618
00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:44,560
to, uh, not fight over
the same girl again.
619
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,840
There was no contest. Trust me.
If you say so.
620
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,280
What's in the box?
621
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,960
Oh, it's just
Uncle Andy's old porn mags. Oh.
622
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:54,800
So, how did the three-egging go?
623
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,080
Not sure yet,
I only just put the batter in.
624
00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,960
Uh, oh, I must've come...
I'm going to go.
625
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,240
PHONE VIBRATES
626
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,000
Hey, long time, no chat.
627
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:15,320
How's it going?
628
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:17,440
'This Andy King?' Yeah.
629
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,200
'Your friend left her phone
in the back of my cab.'
630
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,680
You're top of her favourites.
631
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:23,080
Really?
632
00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:24,720
Where do you live? I'll drop it off.
633
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,800
You're going to drop it off.
What, from New York?
634
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:30,120
Do I sound like I'm in New York?
635
00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:34,360
'Your friend left her phone
in my black cab.
636
00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:35,800
'She's in London, mate.'
637
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:41,800
# Love my way
638
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:45,720
# It's a new road
639
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:49,360
# I follow
640
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:51,800
# Where my mind goes
641
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:55,320
# They'd put us on the railroad
642
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:59,680
# They'd dearly make us pay
643
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:02,640
# For laughing in their faces
644
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:05,280
# And making it our way. #
51033
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