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1
00:00:00,760 --> 00:00:04,840
Here's one - "Door attendant
for a nightclub in Stoke Newington."
2
00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:07,160
That's music related.
Standing in a doorway in Stokey
3
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,000
isn't REALLY music related, is it?
4
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:13,840
All right. How about, "A mover
at a piano factory in Ealing"?
5
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:15,920
Look, Suzan,
despite my brawny physic,
6
00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:18,920
you might be surprised
to learn I'm not much of pack mule.
7
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:20,840
I have a bulging lumbar.
8
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,600
That's not as dirty as it sounds.
9
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:25,680
I give up, Mr King.
We've been at this for weeks
10
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:28,080
and I haven't found a single job
up to your standards.
11
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:31,480
How about fighter pilot?
"I feel the need, the need for..."
12
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:35,440
A job that doesn't take
years of training and
qualifications.
13
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:37,480
MOBILE BUZZES
14
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,120
Have you had any employment
outside of music?
15
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:50,040
When I was a teenager
I worked in a cinema for six months.
16
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:51,560
That was until the nacho incident.
17
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,200
Health and safety found some
swimmers in the liquid cheese.
18
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:58,000
It wasn't me, but I took the bullet
cos I'm a team player.
19
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,040
And then I've just been working at
Carpet Brothers for the last year.
20
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,400
That was until I got myself
intentionally fired.
21
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,680
And why would you do that?
Severance, duh!
22
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:10,280
Wait, this is confidential right?
Like a doctor-patient thing?
23
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,120
Hello, Mr Calcite.
24
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,840
Looking very handsome today.
25
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,200
Who's touched my minerals?
26
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:28,440
What's up sailor? Hi, Roly.
27
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,280
They were all organised
alphabetically
28
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,480
and now opal's in fluorite's place.
It's mayhem!
29
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,800
Are you sure you didn't
move them by mistake?
30
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,360
Mistake? Me? Mistake?
31
00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:41,280
I, um, might have moved them
accidentally while I was cleaning.
32
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:42,400
You cleaned my room?
33
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,480
Sweetheart, would you give us
a minute?
34
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:49,560
Roly, listen...
How long is she staying?
35
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,040
Roly, you have to face it,
she's living with us now.
36
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:55,840
And please stop calling her "she".
Veronica's only trying to help.
37
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:58,520
Well, I found Helpful Veronica's
super-plus tampons
38
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,800
in the bathroom three weeks ago.
So...?
39
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,240
So by my calculations,
she's ovulating.
40
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:05,840
Therefore, I highly suggest that you
use a prophylactic.
41
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,760
We wouldn't want any mistakes.
42
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,600
Andy, we need to talk.
43
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,240
George, I can't talk now.
Got a conference call with Berlin.
44
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:14,680
You're nearly three months late.
45
00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,000
That explains the bloating
and the morning sickness.
46
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,200
First trimesters, eh?
I want my rent, Andy.
47
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,360
How about I pay you in guitar
lessons? Hate guitar.
48
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,000
Fine. How about this, then?
49
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,680
Are you bribing me with drugs?
50
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,000
That depends - is it working?
51
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,160
Fine. But I want my money ASAP
or you're out.
52
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:31,920
MOBILE RINGS
Cool stuff.
53
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,080
Yep? Hey, Andy. It's Ben.
54
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,080
Shit. Did Roly tell you
about the shoplifting?
55
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:38,760
He made me do it. What shoplifting?
56
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,000
HE LAUGHS
57
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,760
Gotcha!
58
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,200
Ah...
59
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,640
How can I help? Listen, can you
take care of Roly this weekend?
60
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:51,400
Andy? Sorry, I was just checking
to see if hell had frozen over.
61
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,200
I can't believe I'm
asking this either.
62
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,160
And don't tell Sam this. Um...
63
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,560
He's having a few teething
problems with Veronica.
64
00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,040
He could use some outside
perspective.
65
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,080
You know, you could do
your "cool uncle" thing.
66
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:07,320
So, you're pawning off your kid's
problems on cool Uncle Andy?
67
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,120
Forget it. This was a bad idea.
No, no, no, no! No, Ben, Ben.
68
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,640
I'll do it...on one condition.
69
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,480
I'm not paying you.
70
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,280
I don't want you to pay me!
71
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,120
But will you pay my rent?
72
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,960
I'll pay for dinner.
Now, come pick him up.
73
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,960
And, Andy, remember - don't tell
Sam.
74
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,440
You have my word.
75
00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,400
Ben's making me
look after Errol this weekend
76
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,720
cos he can't stop fighting
with Ver-on-ica!
77
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,360
Hello? Has Mum called you yet?
78
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:32,960
No. She's not going to visit,
is she?
79
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,400
Do I have to stock up on Sambuca
and unfiltered Camels?
80
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,600
No. Uncle Frank's dying. Stage 4.
It's in his lungs.
81
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:40,920
Huh.
82
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,720
Oddly...I don't give a shit.
83
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,280
Thank God it's not just me.
I thought I was a horrible person.
84
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,160
Is he in hospital? No. He's at his
cabin. He's got days, apparently.
85
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,000
You're not planning on visiting?
Fuck no.
86
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,000
I'm supposed to be
working on my dissertation.
87
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,800
But so far, I have spent
three hours on my Pinterest page
88
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,080
for my imaginary horse sanctuary.
89
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,160
That miserable bastard can
die alone.
90
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,840
He taught me how to skin joints
for him when I was six.
91
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,120
Tiny hands make great
special smokes.
92
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,560
Do you remember how
he used to call you shit brains?
93
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,040
No? "Shit brains!"
94
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,760
I swear, if he left us anything
in his will, I wouldn't take it.
95
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,000
I don't want his blood money.
96
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,800
How much blood money
are we talking about?
97
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,320
I remember hearing he made
a few hundred grand in insurance
98
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,000
after his strip club burnt down.
99
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,000
So, what are you doing today?
100
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:24,280
Get in!
101
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:25,680
She touched my minerals!
102
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,640
The next thing you know, she'll
be using my laminator or my
embosser!
103
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:29,760
What does Dad see in her?
104
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,400
Wait, where are we going? I thought
we were going to your place.
105
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,480
We're going to visit Uncle Frank.
Who?
106
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,240
Me and your mum's Uncle. You know,
your Grandma Jane's brother.
107
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,760
Oh. I never knew I had a great
uncle.
108
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,240
Trust me, he's not that great.
109
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,080
He dropped off the map
when he went to prison
110
00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:44,520
for stealing dialysis machines.
111
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:46,480
I think he tried to sell one
to Osama Bin Laden.
112
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,080
Well, this is great!
He'll know how to handle Veronica.
113
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,000
I've been looking for
a wise old mentor.
114
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,640
I thought I was your mentor!
115
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,160
I said "wise", didn't I?
Good luck with that. He hates kids.
116
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:56,720
When we were played hide-and-seek,
117
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,320
he'd make me hide in the tumble
dryer.
118
00:04:58,320 --> 00:04:59,840
Why are we going to visit him, then?
119
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:03,040
Because I'm late on my rent
and he's about to croak and...
120
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,280
I need to check if I'm in his will.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
121
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:08,200
You're taking advantage of
a dying man? That's disgusting.
122
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,040
Tumble dryer! Yeah?
123
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,880
What would you say if I told you
that he used to steal my minerals,
124
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,800
grind them up and snort them
for breakfast?
125
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,160
Well, I'd say step on it.
126
00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,520
Never seen a dying person before.
127
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:26,960
Don't worry.
128
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,920
Just try and imagine him
with a clown's nose.
129
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,360
You want me to imagine a dying
clown?
130
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:45,840
Hello?
131
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:55,720
Uncle Frank?
132
00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,160
Uncle Frank?
133
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,560
Is he dead?
134
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,680
I don't know. Check his pulse.
135
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,600
Ew, I don't touch raw chicken. I'm
not going to touch some dead guy.
136
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,560
He's not some dead guy, he's Frank.
137
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,000
Now, show some respect
and check your dead uncle's pulse.
138
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,040
GUN SHAFT CLICKS
139
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,480
Who are you?
140
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,800
Hello, Frank. It's your nephew,
Andy. I haven't got a nephew.
141
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:22,160
And if I did, he wouldn't
look like a Big Issue seller.
142
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,800
Now, I'm going to count to three
143
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,920
and you and the skinny girl better
be gone by two.
144
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:26,960
One...
145
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,480
This is Errol, Sam's son.
146
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,160
HIGH-PITCHED: You have a lovely
home.
147
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,720
Two... I'm too young to die!
I haven't seen a solar eclipse.
148
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,080
BANG! Argh!
149
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,480
FRANK LAUGHS
150
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,800
Got you, shit brains!
151
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,440
It's not loaded.
152
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,040
Think I can't remember my own
sister's loser kid?
153
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,360
Make yourself at home.
154
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,000
Can I get you anything?
Whisky? Bourbon?
155
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,120
How about a nice chamomile, perhaps?
156
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,680
Just pretend he's not here.
157
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,280
Why are you here, shit brains?
158
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,280
I heard you were dying.
I'm not dying.
159
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,600
Nothing a good steak
and a Lemsip won't sort out.
160
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:06,560
Just came to see
if I could do anything to help?
161
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,440
I haven't seen you for 15 years.
How are you going to help?
162
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:10,600
I'm a great caregiver.
163
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:14,800
I once kept a whole tank of sea
monkeys alive for almost a year.
164
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,000
Just pretend he isn't here.
165
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,040
FRANK COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
166
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,120
Shouldn't you be in a hospital,
Uncle Frank?
167
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:22,920
Those pricks,
they don't want to cure you.
168
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,680
They want to keep you nice and sick
169
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,880
so you can line the drug companies'
pockets.
170
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,760
Plus, I was banned -
groping a nurse.
171
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,600
What is the NHS coming to, eh?
172
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,560
That's Rasputin, the meanest
fighting cock you've ever seen.
173
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,120
50 fights, undefeated.
174
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,680
Oh, he's the light of my life.
175
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,800
Anyway. Nice of you to pop in.
176
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,880
You can both piss off now.
Antiques Roadshow's about to start.
177
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,000
All right, fine. We'll leave.
178
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:51,720
It's just a shame to let all
these go to waste.
179
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,200
There might be a little something
you can do round the house.
180
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:57,360
No!
181
00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,600
You can have these
when we're finished.
182
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,560
First, how can I help?
183
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:04,360
You could do the dishes.
Errol, adults are talking.
184
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,720
Kid's right. Do my dishes.
185
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,520
Why don't we go to the cinema
after this, Uncle Frank?
186
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,160
They say laughter is the best
medicine. Shut up.
187
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:19,120
Trying to find out how much this
porcelain chamber pot's worth.
188
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,680
Should you be smoking
in your condition, Uncle Frank?
189
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,960
They're his lungs.
He can do what he likes.
190
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:31,720
Do you know who you remind me of?
191
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,560
A young Brian Cox?
The physicist, not the actor.
192
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:35,680
He's a cox, all right.
193
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,720
You remind me of Helmet Harry.
We was in the Falklands together.
194
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,880
He was built like an anorexic
flamingo and all.
195
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,200
I didn't know you were
in the Falklands, Uncle Frank.
196
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,000
You didn't know your dick
was attached to your balls.
197
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,160
Anyway, he was obsessed with
keeping his helmet spotless.
198
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:51,040
If he got anything on his helmet,
199
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,480
Harry'd be polishing away like that,
bullets whistling by.
200
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,880
What happened to him?
201
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:57,840
Got his head shot off, didn't he?
Mid-polish.
202
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,200
Great funeral, though.
203
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,400
Ooh. His mum gave my helmet a
little bit of a polish and all, son.
204
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:03,600
FRANK LAUGHS
205
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,520
Nice one, Frank, you ledge.
206
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,040
Here, have a look at the shrapnel
they pulled out of my arse.
207
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,360
I'd, er, love to.
208
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,160
What are you doing?!
209
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,960
I'm learning about the older
generation.
210
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,040
It's like the History Channel, but
with less Hitler and more swearing.
211
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,040
Ask Frank if I'm in his will.
212
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:25,200
No. No, we've got too much
in common. We both love antiques.
213
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,520
You like collecting farts in a jar.
Jesus, that was once!
214
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,440
You ask him.
Just be up front with him.
215
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,040
I think he responds to blunt
honesty.
216
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,480
I can't ask him that.
You're terrified of him, aren't you?
217
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:35,560
Yeah, right. Oi!
218
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,040
Get your arse in here, Errol.
219
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,360
Ask him.
220
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:43,320
This little bastard was an inch away
from paralysing me.
221
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:46,760
Cool.
222
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,480
What type of mineral is that?
223
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,160
That's a kidney stone.
224
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,640
It was like passing a meteor
through a bendy straw.
225
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,880
Here. It's yours.
226
00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,440
Shouldn't you leave it in your will
227
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,280
to the Imperial War Museum
or something?
228
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:02,560
I'd never write a will.
229
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:05,800
Two things in this life you never
trust - cats and banks.
230
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,600
That's why I buried all my money
out in the garden.
231
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,160
How do you remember
where you put it?
232
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:14,320
I got a map...like Long John Silver.
233
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,320
Who's that?
234
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,640
I don't know.
235
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,080
Came with the frame.
236
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,320
MOBILE RINGS
237
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,880
Um, just looking for the bathroom.
238
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,560
Hello? Oh, you've got company?
Janice.
239
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:40,440
This is my shit-brained nephew and
this is my...my great-nephew, Errol.
240
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,960
Hi, there boys. Frank, I brought you
some shepherd's pie.
241
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,280
Oh! I love pie.
242
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,880
Janice runs the sheep farm
next door with her husband.
243
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,120
I do the cooking,
he does the humping and lumping.
244
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,760
Don't sell yourself short, Janice.
You do plenty of humping.
245
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:52,880
Oh, Frank!
246
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,720
Oh, Frank! Ohh!
247
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,720
'Ooh! Frank! Ooh!'
248
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,360
'Oh, Frank!'
249
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,600
That's the most disturbing noise
I've ever heard -
250
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,200
and I've heard foxes mate.
251
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,400
We need to find that map.
252
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,800
So, now you want to steal?
Frank doesn't deserve that.
253
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:13,240
Did it never occur to you that maybe
he doesn't hate kids?
254
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,000
Maybe he just hates you?
255
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,480
Just keep a look out for me.
256
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,240
MOBILE RINGS
257
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:21,280
What is it?
258
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,680
You haven't responded
to my Candy Crush invite. What?
259
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,120
I can't unlock the next level
until you accept my invite.
260
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,840
I swear I will start on
my dissertation right after that.
261
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:35,000
Oh! I love that shepherd's pie!
262
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,560
She can do what she likes
anywhere else in the house,
263
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:40,520
but just stay out of my room
and keep your claws off my minerals.
264
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,120
You know what you want to do?
265
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,120
Get a life?
Write her a stern letter.
266
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,320
Shave her hair off.
267
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,160
What? You mean, like,
metaphorically?
268
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,320
Use scissors or a razor
or whatever you've got.
269
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,960
That's what I did when a bloke tried
it on with me in the nick.
270
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,320
I mean, I'm not one to turn down
a free Billy Joel,
271
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,920
don't get me wrong,
he was too ugly for radio.
272
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,480
You're like a real-life
Shawshank Redemption, aren't you.
273
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,280
Did he leave you alone after that?
Nah!
274
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,000
Got beaten to a pulp, spent
three months in the prison hospital.
275
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,280
Still can't shit right.
276
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,800
But I stood up for myself.
277
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:07,840
Fill it up.
278
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,040
And don't forget the kid.
279
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,080
Oh. He doesn't drink.
280
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:15,680
No, no - I'll have a little.
281
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,760
Not after what happened last time.
Your folks would kill me.
282
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,160
What happened? You go on a bender?
HE CHUCKLES
283
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,680
No, he...
284
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,280
Doesn't matter, the answer's no.
285
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,520
You look like you could do with
a refill, Uncle Frank.
286
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:31,880
Shall I get you another bottle?
287
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,120
That's the best idea you've had
all day, shit brains.
288
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,440
Shit brains to the rescue.
289
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,080
So, who's the girl, then?
290
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,120
Girl?
291
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,640
You said it came with the frame but
they don't put Polaroids in frames.
292
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:51,920
Uh-huh.
293
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,840
That's Maggie, my daughter.
294
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,120
Do you see her much?
295
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,320
No. I ain't seen her
since she was little.
296
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,240
Did a little bit of digging
recently, though,
297
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,240
and turns out she works
in Southend Hospital.
298
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,000
She's a maternity nurse.
299
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,840
I spent all my life running.
Turns out she works 40 minutes away.
300
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,720
Somebody up there's got a sick
sense of humour, kid.
301
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,160
Oi! What's keeping you, shit brains?
302
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,640
Would you like bottle service
at your table, sir?
303
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:38,160
Depends...when you've done
looking for my map.
304
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,920
Wait! Me and Uncle Frank were just
starting to bond.
305
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,840
He was teaching me how to
deal with Veronica,
306
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,240
and maybe even the meaning of life!
The meaning of life is
307
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,080
don't get killed by a psychotic
criminal who's high on pure oxygen.
308
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,880
Wait, you can't drink and drive.
309
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,200
Watch me.
310
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,440
ENGINE STUTTERS
311
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,840
Oh, no, no, no, no.
312
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,920
No, no, no! Come on!
313
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,400
Leaving so soon?
314
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,480
I was about to pop a frozen
pizza into the oven.
315
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,280
All right, then. Thanks. Bye.
316
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,040
They can't fix the car
till tomorrow.
317
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:13,720
Are you going to ask?
318
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,120
Ask what?
319
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,000
If you can stay the night.
320
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,400
Well, can we?
321
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,560
Yeah.
322
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,640
But if either of you
touch my vintage porn collection,
323
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:26,960
I'll cut your tits off.
324
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,320
This sofa pulls down into a bed.
325
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,240
Don't worry about the stain
on the mattress.
326
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:33,960
Little bit of shepherd's pie.
327
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,640
Oh, no.
328
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,480
I am destined to live
a life of poverty.
329
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,760
I will never be able to afford
my own Flying V guitar,
330
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:47,640
handmade boots, my own bidet.
331
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,280
You just need to pay your rent.
332
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,000
Why don't you ask Frank for a loan?
333
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,800
Frank's not going to give me a loan!
334
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,360
He's never done anything nice
for me. Why would he start now?
335
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,360
Well, have you ever done
anything nice for him?
336
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,080
TOILET FLUSHES
337
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,600
Ahh.
338
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,640
Nothing quite like the first piss
of the day, lads.
339
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,360
What are you two looking
so happy about?
340
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,720
You ain't found my stash
of magic mushrooms, have you?
341
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:18,720
No. But we have invited
someone magical over.
342
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,560
Who? Drum roll...
343
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:24,800
BOTH: Maggie!
344
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,720
I think he just needs some
time to process.
345
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,720
MOBILE RINGS
346
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,320
Hello? What are you doing up?
347
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:41,160
I just bought a superfood nutrition
extractor, aka the NutriBullet.
348
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,120
What? OK, it's basically just
a juicer but it's amazing
349
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,000
and it's so easy to clean,
which is great cos
350
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,960
when I'm working on my dissertation,
I won't have time for the dishes.
351
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,320
YELLS: Motherfucker!
352
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,840
Who was that?
353
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:53,280
DOOR SLAMS
Frank.
354
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,240
You took Roly to meet Uncle Frank!?
Sam...
355
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,360
HANG-UP TONE
356
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:58,440
Sam?
357
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,760
Wait, Frank!
358
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,360
Shit, Frank!
359
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,640
You better contact Maggie right now
and un-invite her.
360
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,200
I'm sorry, we just thought...
361
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:12,800
You? Who gave you permission
to think, shit brains?
362
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,720
OK, OK! I'll phone her!
It's too late.
363
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:22,760
Hi, there.
364
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,240
I'm you're cousin Andy.
This is my nephew Errol.
365
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,200
Yes, it's a stupid name.
How was the drive?
366
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,960
Just a trip down the motorway.
367
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,160
Thank God for Radio 4.
Oh, I love Radio 4.
368
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,320
Especially Woman's Hour.
369
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,760
Did you hear the episode
with Hillary Clinton?
370
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,480
Would you like a drink?
371
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,200
There's no chamomile.
372
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:42,680
Um...I'm all right, thanks.
I don't...
373
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,200
Hi.
374
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:47,600
What's going on?
375
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,720
You told me he was dead and you
needed me to identify the body?
376
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,160
You said I was dead?
377
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,280
He said you dropped
a radio in the bath.
378
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,200
A radio? That'd never work.
379
00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,320
Well, it could work. Hypothetically.
380
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,800
I can't do this.
No, no, Maggie, wait!
381
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,320
"Dear Maggie, happy eighth birthday.
382
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,840
"I'm sorry I can't visit this year.
383
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,800
"I know I promised,
but something's come up."
384
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,600
Where'd you get that?
You give that back.
385
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,600
"I got your cards
and I know you miss me,
386
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,400
"but just cos you love a thing
don't make it good for you.
387
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:20,240
"Like sniffing glue.
Have a nice life. Love, Frank."
388
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,480
But you never posted this letter,
did you, Frank?
389
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,480
You had no right
to go through my stuff.
390
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:25,920
Frank, stop.
391
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,400
CLOCK TICKS
392
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,360
Have you seen Frank's
vintage porn collection?
393
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:36,400
Or his cock?
394
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:40,480
Look, Maggie, it was nothing against
you, the whole losing touch thing.
395
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,440
Losing touch?
Is that what you call it?
396
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,600
I think that's called deserting,
Frank.
397
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,280
Pot-ae-to, pot-a-to.
398
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:47,720
You were better off without me.
399
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,240
You left me with a crazy person.
400
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,240
Mum blamed me for you abandoning us.
And you know what?
401
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,720
The whole thing would have been
almost bearable
402
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,800
with a phone call once in a while.
403
00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,920
In Frank's defence, there is
hardly any reception up here.
404
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,880
Yeah, I mean, I've only got one bar.
405
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,960
You've avoided responsibility
your whole life
406
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:09,360
and now I'm supposed to forgive you
because you're dying?
407
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,760
I've been telling people
you were dead for years.
408
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:14,280
Makes it easier
when my son asks questions.
409
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,680
You have a son?
410
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,080
Grandpa Frank.
That's got a nice ring to it.
411
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,160
I can't do this.
412
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,680
What did you guys think was
going to happen?
413
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,640
Frank and I would make up
for lost time
414
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:25,360
and I'd whisper,
"I love you, Daddy"?
415
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,320
You don't have to whisper
if you don't want to.
416
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,640
All right, let's start over!
417
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,120
Frank, how about you say,
"Hello, Maggie,
418
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,360
"it's nice to see you after
all these years."
419
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,520
And Maggie, how about you say,
"Frank..."
420
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,240
You piece of shit, I'll kill you!
Sam?
421
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:39,960
You had no right bringing Roly here!
422
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,720
I never wanted him
to meet Uncle Frank.
423
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,680
How did you get here so quickly?
I speeded.
424
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,040
Mum, no! Yes.
Errol, get in the car now!
425
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,240
Sorry - who are you?
426
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:49,080
I'm Frank's estranged daughter,
Maggie.
427
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,400
I'm Frank's estranged niece, Sam.
Hi.
428
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:52,680
What did I do to piss you off?
429
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,320
Really? Nothing comes to mind?
430
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,120
What? I hit you once?
431
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,880
Wow! Huh.
432
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,720
You are a piece of work, Frank.
433
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,320
Good luck with the dying.
434
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,840
Nice to meet you. Bye.
435
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:07,960
Who wants some tea?
436
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:13,000
It was all fine
till you idiots showed up.
437
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,880
You think I don't know why
you're here?
438
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,960
There is no map.
439
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,360
You want some money?
440
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:24,640
Then stop avoiding a hard day's work
and go out and earn it.
441
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,200
Avoiding?
442
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,040
You're the one that's hiding in a
cabin in the woods like Bigfoot.
443
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:32,040
Face it Frank, you're going to die.
444
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,320
You know what?
445
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:37,640
It's people like you, make me
wish that cancer was contagious.
446
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,640
What are you looking at, you?
447
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,760
You never seen a monster before,
son?
448
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,000
You're not a monster.
What would you know?
449
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:48,280
You're too busy worrying
about your precious minerals!
450
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,000
They're just rocks!
451
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,560
You want to know how to handle
your dad's girlfriend?
452
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:56,440
Get some rocks of your own,
you whiny little shit!
453
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,200
Now, you yet out.
It's not even loaded.
454
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:05,840
Get out!
455
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,200
He can't get away with this.
456
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,600
No, Sam!
457
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,080
Stay here.
458
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,880
CHOKING
459
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,240
FRANK WHEEZES
460
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,800
Chest pains started
a couple of months ago.
461
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,320
I thought it was an old fighting
injury acting up.
462
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,160
Then came the cough.
463
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:44,800
HE SIGHS
464
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,080
Lungs like a puddle of mud.
465
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,400
I tried putting it off until, uh...
466
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,200
till I passed out at the race track.
467
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,800
Woke up in hospital
shot through with needles.
468
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,400
Doctors said I have a week to live,
tops.
469
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,560
That was a week ago.
470
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,720
I thought you were banned
for groping a nurse?
471
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:10,080
No, that's just me
building up my rep, kid.
472
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:14,560
They begged me to stay, but I wanted
to enjoy my last few hours.
473
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,320
That was before you lot showed up.
474
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,920
Look, Frank, the hospital
has grade-A pain meds...
475
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,280
If you went back,
you wouldn't have to be alone.
476
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,400
We could keep you company,
you know, until...
477
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:27,960
FRANK COUGHS
478
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,960
No, that's not my speed.
479
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,200
Plus...
480
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:37,120
they don't have lovely
shepherd's pie in the hospital.
481
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:41,200
Look, there's one thing you can
do for me before you go.
482
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,560
You dug your own grave.
483
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,400
Who else was going to do it?
484
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:47,680
It's a bit morbid, isn't it?
485
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,720
Of course it's morbid,
it's a fucking grave.
486
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,800
I bet the Council
won't approve of this.
487
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,600
Right. Who's first up?
And...and no sugar-coating.
488
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,000
Um...
489
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:03,320
There are over 4,000 different types
of officially recognised minerals.
490
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,840
Some people may ask, "Errol, what's
your favourite type of mineral?"
491
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,000
Nobody ever asks that.
492
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,680
The point isn't what my favourite
type of mineral is -
493
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,520
kyanite, by the way -
494
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:15,080
it's about how each mineral
has its own qualities.
495
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,840
And if I had to say which mineral
best represents Uncle Frank,
496
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,760
I'd say...cinnabar.
497
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,920
Known for its vibrant red colour.
Also known as dragon's blood.
498
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,120
Unfortunately, cinnabar,
aka mercury sulphide,
499
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:29,760
is the most toxic mineral on earth.
500
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,640
And that's how I'll remember
Uncle Frank,
501
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,480
as someone who caught the eye
502
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,080
but if you stayed with him too long,
he'd kill you.
503
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,120
Hm.
504
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,200
HE CHUCKLES
505
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,520
Samantha?
506
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,560
I'm not saying
I want Uncle Frank to go to hell,
507
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,800
just somewhere he'd really hate,
508
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:53,440
like an aquarium filled with
hundreds of kids on a school trip
509
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,160
for all eternity.
510
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,360
I'm going to miss him,
511
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:59,320
the way you miss that feeling just
after you've thrown up when you...
512
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,360
when you still feel sick but...
513
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,280
..but you're relieved
the worst is over.
514
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,320
Mm.
515
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,960
You're up, shit brains.
516
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,480
Uncle Frank...
517
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:18,440
In a family of black sheep,
you were by far the blackest.
518
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:22,480
And, coming from me,
that is high praise indeed.
519
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,400
And I confess, I only came here
to see if you could pay my rent.
520
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,680
But I learned something -
life isn't all about rent.
521
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:32,080
It's about shooting guns
and watching panel shows.
522
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,000
Relationships are overrated, anyway.
523
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,600
Who cares if you take
loads of drugs?
524
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:39,440
People are just jealous you're
having a better time than them.
525
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:41,160
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
526
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:45,680
you caused a trail of destruction
that can never be fixed.
527
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,400
But at least you did it your way...
528
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:52,000
you miserable prick.
529
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:57,960
PS - stop calling me shit brains,
it doesn't help my confidence.
530
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,720
Thank you, shit brains.
531
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:02,920
It's my turn.
532
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,080
Frank, you dead piece of shit.
533
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,600
Look at all the things
you've done in your life,
534
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:10,960
like when you mugged a priest.
535
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:14,240
Or when you tried to sell dead
people's teeth to the Russians.
536
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,600
Or that night you spent
with Dirty Carla.
537
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:20,800
Ooh. she made the back of a Skoda
feel like a night in the Dorchester.
538
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,960
But if there is anything
to learn from all this,
539
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:27,400
it's don't mix coke and heroin -
540
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,000
it makes your chest
feel like it's bursting
541
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,640
and caving in at the same time.
542
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:33,040
And, uh...
543
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,160
..I'm sorry.
544
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:41,840
For everything.
545
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:47,000
And remember - always take
the piss out of life...
546
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,160
..before life takes the piss
out of you.
547
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,960
HE CHUCKLES
548
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:01,200
Well, it was, er, really interesting
coming to meet you, Uncle Frank,
549
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,760
and, um, I'll take your advice
and stay firm with my ground rules.
550
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,840
On behalf of the family, thank you
for your service in the Falklands.
551
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,280
What are you talking about?
He was never in the Falklands.
552
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,920
What about the shrapnel?
I got that off my bookie
553
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:16,000
after he tried to blow me up
in a Ford Granada.
554
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,840
That's still pretty cool.
Maybe we can visit again.
555
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,720
I'll bring my own chamomile
next time. Sounds good.
556
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,720
If you're interested, I'd love to
interview you for my dissertation.
557
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:25,800
What's it about?
558
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,240
Antisocial Personality Disorder.
559
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:30,280
Bye, Frank.
560
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:33,840
Deal's a deal.
561
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,400
Well, you do have your uses,
shit brains.
562
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,200
That I do, cancer man.
563
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:43,240
Look...
564
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,280
I'm sorry I tried to rip you off.
565
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,160
Nothing I wouldn't have done, kid.
566
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,160
Maybe you are a chip
off the old block, eh?
567
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:52,280
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
568
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:53,560
MESSAGE TONE BEEPS
569
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,040
A girl I've been avoiding.
570
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,480
You fancy her?
571
00:25:58,480 --> 00:25:59,560
It's complicated.
572
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:02,440
Any pearls?
573
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:05,560
Don't try anal on the first date.
They don't like it.
574
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:08,240
I'll keep that in mind.
575
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,560
What's that? It's the map.
576
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,960
I want you to give it to Maggie
when I kick it.
577
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,960
Will you do that for me?
578
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:18,720
Yeah, you have my word.
579
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:20,040
No peeking.
580
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:22,400
And don't worry -
I'll leave you something valuable...
581
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,040
..my porn collection.
582
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:27,600
Bye, Uncle Frank.
583
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:28,640
Bye, shit b...
584
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:32,720
Andy.
585
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:38,040
Go on, fuck off.
Bargain Hunt's about to start.
586
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,120
MESSAGE TONE BEEPS
587
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:12,960
# I don't believe in
an interventionist God
588
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:23,600
# But I know, darling, that you do
589
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:34,840
# But if I did
I would kneel down and ask Him
590
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:44,880
# Not to intervene
when it came to you
591
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:52,800
# Not to touch a hair on your head
Leave you as you are
592
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:58,560
# If He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms
593
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:06,080
# Into my arms, O Lord
594
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:11,240
# Into my arms, O Lord
595
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:16,280
# Into my arms, O Lord
596
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:20,160
# Into my arms
597
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,360
# And I don't believe
598
00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:30,160
# In the existence of angels
599
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:37,280
# But looking at you
600
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:41,000
# I wonder if that's true
601
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:49,720
# But if I did
I would summon them together... #
46233
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