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1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,080
..across the room.
2
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:06,920
I saw you across the room.
You smile and my heart runs a mile.
3
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:08,960
Hey, pretty girl,
let's go out together
4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:10,200
Go out together
5
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:12,200
The first two weeks we'll rock
6
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,840
We'll laugh and frolic
7
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,200
You'll bake me a pie
You're so sweet I could die
8
00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,200
Hey, pretty girl, pretty girl
9
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:20,920
You're going to break my heart
I can tell
10
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:22,720
I know how this ends
11
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:26,480
Go to hell, pretty girl
Go to hell, hell, hell!
12
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,440
Hell, I mean, I'm still ironing out
the lyrics but what do you think?
13
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:30,520
HE SIGHS
14
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,400
I don't want to go on this school
trip. What are you talking about?
15
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,360
A few days out on a farm
sounds like fun.
16
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,080
Last year they went to Legoland.
17
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:40,240
Why can't we go to Legoland? Or
Oslo, the cleanest city in Europe.
18
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,920
Clean? You're going to a farm.
There'll be loads of fresh air.
19
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,880
I have hay fever. All right then.
Fresh milk... Lactose.
20
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,520
You're lactose intolerant.
Erm, fresh eggs, then.
21
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:51,760
I'm keeping an eye on my
cholesterol and there'll be
ticks everywhere.
22
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,480
I could get Lyme disease!
23
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,640
It's better than Lemon disease.
24
00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,680
I bet Murray Thomas is going to sit
next to me on the bus.
25
00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,920
He always blows his nose
into the same handkerchief.
26
00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:06,320
You've to get me out of this,
you're my favourite uncle. Nice try.
27
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,920
Look, once I got invited to a party
and I turned it down.
28
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,840
I said, "No I'm not going," and I
stayed in and played X-box instead.
29
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:16,040
And do you know what? I found out
later that that party turned
into an orgy. What's that?
30
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,720
It doesn't matter. Point is,
this trip will be good for you.
31
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,760
But if you need someone to
talk to, you can always phone me.
32
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:25,200
And you'll answer, no matter what?
33
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:26,880
No matter what.
34
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:30,320
Unless you reverse the charges
and then, no way.
35
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:36,280
This programme contains
some strong language.
36
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:39,360
Wow, Kelly Talbot 'friended' me.
I had my first spliff with her.
37
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,080
My God, her baby is so ugly
38
00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:44,120
and she looks really old.
39
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,760
I love Facebook.
40
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,360
I don't look this old, do I?
PHONE PINGS
41
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,880
Who's that? Oh, it's Shelly.
42
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:56,120
She keeps texting me.
Oh, is it getting serious?
43
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,680
Are you going to have ugly
babies together? No!
44
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,080
She's just a fling while me
and Gwen are on a break.
45
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,360
I think she wants a lot more.
46
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,080
She left her toothbrush
in my bathroom.
47
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,640
That's the uranium of grooming
appliances. Shit, you have
to be honest with her.
48
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,480
You can't just string her along.
PHONE RINGS
49
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:14,320
What were you saying about stringing
people along? That's my sponsor.
50
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,480
She's very sweet,
she's just not very cool.
51
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,480
But there's this woman
in my group, Suzy.
52
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,400
She was a wild child in the '60s.
53
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:25,040
She slept with Hendrix, Jagger,
all of Zeppelin.
54
00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,000
I want HER to be my sponsor.
55
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,480
She'll be like my fucked up
fairy godmother.
56
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:32,560
Oh, by the way. I gave your number
to Roly's teacher, Melodie.
57
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,760
She wanted it for some
music day project. Cool.
58
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,200
Don't even think
about sleeping with her.
59
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,800
Oh, even if I say you look younger
than Kelly Talbot? Not even then.
60
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:44,160
Fine, I'm a rubbish liar, anyway.
61
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,120
Ow!
62
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,520
This is a lovely idea, Sam.
Oh, I'm glad you think so, Agnes.
63
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,680
I love a bit of art therapy.
64
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:56,800
I was thinking that
you must be getting tired of me.
65
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,280
No, not at all.
66
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,400
You know, I never had children,
67
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,320
but I've come to see you
as a daughter.
68
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,520
Daughters move out though,
don't they,
69
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,240
when they go to university or
run off with their maths teacher?
70
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,800
Are you breaking up with me?
71
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,560
I just think we should see other
people for a bit.
72
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,720
Yeah, it might be good for us.
73
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,400
PHONE BUZZES
74
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,040
Yeah? 'I did it!'
75
00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,720
I broke up with my sponsor.
Did you talk to Shelly? Yeah...
76
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:37,520
All done. I'm so proud of us,
we're like real grown-ups,
77
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,360
taking life by the horns.
Horning it up.
78
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,440
Andy?
79
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,440
Who's that? What's all done?
80
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:48,480
"All done" as in pizza
delivery order.
81
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,600
I've just ordered a pizza.
82
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:55,400
A breakfast pizza with sausage
and mushrooms and beans on it,
83
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,920
stuff like that. Should probably go
and pick it up.
84
00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:59,200
Don't they deliver?
85
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:03,680
Yeah, but I'm trying to save
the planet from...
86
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,640
all the scooter fumes.
Aren't you driving?
87
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:10,520
Yes, but I'm driving very slowly.
88
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,640
PHONE RINGS
89
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,600
I really can't talk now!
Oh, sorry.
90
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,320
Oh! Melodie? Hi, Andy.
91
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,600
I'm not interrupting an important
recording session, am I? No, no.
92
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,680
I was just stepping out.
Drummers, eh?
93
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,760
Aren't you on that school
trip with Errol?
94
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,280
God, no, I get a couple of days
to spoil myself.
95
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,440
I hear you, porn and ice-cream.
96
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:31,560
SHE CHUCKLES
97
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:35,360
So, I wanted to ask about
a music project,
98
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,160
'do you have time to meet?'
99
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:40,280
Sure, how about right now?
100
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,520
CHILDREN CHATTER
101
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,200
HE SNEEZES
102
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,080
OK, so you want me to produce
a song for your class?
103
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,360
I can do that. I'd be like the Rick
Rubin to their Beastie Boys.
104
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,040
How much does it pay?
Oh, uh, there's no money involved.
105
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:02,480
Just good will and biscuits,
Mr Rubin.
106
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,680
Oh, I love giving back.
107
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,120
Not the biscuits, I'm keeping those.
108
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,520
So, what sort of sound
are you looking for?
109
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:10,920
I don't know.
110
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,400
Erm, The Beatles? Ugh, The Beatles.
111
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,680
They're a bit like the Labrador
puppies of pop music, aren't they?
112
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,960
You should introduce them
to something different,
113
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,160
something that'll blow
their tiny little minds.
114
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,840
You should listen to some of the
music in my record collection.
115
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,000
I don't have a record player.
116
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,520
You can listen round mine.
117
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:32,640
I mean, it's not like a date or
anything. Yeah, that would be great.
118
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:36,280
How's about tomorrow?
Perfect. It's a date.
119
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:37,360
TELEPHONE PINGS
120
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,600
Holy shit!
121
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,440
You've gotta go. What?
You gotta go.
122
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,760
Sam's on her way over,
she's had a really bad haircut,
123
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:49,960
needs a shoulder to cry on.
124
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,680
Said she looked like the
Elephant Woman. Where's the pizza?
125
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,160
DOORBELL RINGS
126
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,640
Right, you need to climb out.
127
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,160
Sam'll be devastated
if you see her like this.
128
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,440
Please, for me.
129
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,480
Tell her she owes me for this. OK?
130
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,240
Casper dumped me!
131
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,880
I'm so sorry to disturb you.
132
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,360
I would have gone to my dad's but
you know how overprotective he is.
133
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,440
Casper said he needed space.
134
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,120
What does that mean? It probably
means he's cheating on you.
135
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,200
SHE CRIES
136
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,960
Wait! You know this does not mean
we're getting back together, right?
137
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,800
Yeah. No, absolutely. No, we're not.
138
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,560
I need a piss.
139
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,680
PHONE RINGS
140
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,520
What? You'll never guess
what I just found out.
141
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,000
Babies aren't made in clouds?
142
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,200
They only have communal showers
where we're going. Like prison!
143
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,400
I bet Legoland have proper showers.
You'll be fine. Don't drop the soap.
144
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,480
Wait! That's not the worst part.
Murray Thomas wants to share bunks!
145
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:11,440
I can't do this, please,
if you pick me up, I'll work
on some new songs with you.
146
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,880
No deal, I'm busy. I've just
got back with Gwen. When did
you break up with Shelly?
147
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:18,720
Uh, soon. You can't have two
girlfriends at the same time!
148
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,160
Are you the girlfriend police?
I can have as many as I want.
149
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,120
If you juggle too many balls,
you'll drop one.
150
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,080
What do you know about
balls dropping?!
151
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,080
Why have you got two toothbrushes?
Are you seeing somebody?
152
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:38,560
No, one of them's for my top set
and the other one's for my bottoms.
153
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:39,840
Is that weird?
154
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,720
Suzy, I've been watching
you in meetings.
155
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,760
Oh, it's so creepy.
156
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,920
Suzy, I think you're a cool chick.
157
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,320
Oh, my God, it's so cheesy.
158
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,120
Suzy, you're the shit, I'm the shit,
let's shit together?
159
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,720
DOORBELL RINGS
160
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:05,440
What a fucking mess. It took me 20
minutes to find a parking space.
161
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,520
I'm so sorry.
What are you sorry for?
It's not your fault, sweetheart.
162
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,120
Oh, sorry...
163
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,240
Can I get you a drink?
Coffee, the stronger the better.
164
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:17,480
Ah, I only have decaf,
I'm trying to quit caffeine. Why?
165
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,000
It's addictive.
166
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,640
Water's fine, darling.
167
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,320
Is that your boy? Mmm.
168
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,200
Looks a bit like Mick? Oh, Jagger?
169
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:32,080
Yeah, he's pretty rock 'n' roll,
my Errol.
170
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,680
He's in a band.
Do you have any children?
171
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,120
A daughter. She's a singer.
172
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,120
Oh, I wish I had a daughter.
173
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,320
Don't get me wrong, I love
my Errol, but it would be nice
174
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:45,000
to have someone to swap clothes
with and talk about boys.
175
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,080
He might be into that.
176
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,720
Can I just say,
you are an inspiration...
177
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,080
I don't want to be your sponsor.
178
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,840
What? I know how this goes.
179
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,440
I used to be you,
young and addicted to recovery.
180
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,760
You think I'll be your new best
friend, get our nails done together.
181
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,760
Look, I'm very flattered,
182
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,120
but I just don't have the energy
for all that neediness.
183
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,160
I won't be needy, I swear.
I swear I won't be.
184
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:15,560
You're being needy right now. Yeah,
well, how about this, then? Huh?
185
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,320
Rock 'n' roll.
186
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,280
You're adorable.
187
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,280
We're probably going
to need the safe word
188
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,320
before we try that again.
189
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,600
I'm pregnant.
190
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,040
That is an excellent safe word.
191
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,640
No, I'm serious. I'm pregnant.
192
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,280
What, from just now?
193
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,560
No, from Casper.
194
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,960
Oh, OK.
195
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,240
I'll raise it like my own,
I swear.
196
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,640
Andy, we're not back together.
This was just meaningless sex.
197
00:09:55,640 --> 00:10:00,120
Yeah, I know, that's my favourite
kind of sex.
198
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,840
Are you about to cry?
199
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,000
Why do you always have to be
so wounded?
200
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,520
You're like a walking Adele song.
201
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,200
DOORBELL RINGS
202
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,440
Shit, that's probably my dad.
What's he doing here?
203
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,960
I told him if I went missing
to come looking at your place,
in case you kidnapped me.
204
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,640
You thought I'd kidnap you? Why
would you say that? You texted -
205
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,440
"If I can't have you,
I'll kidnap you."
206
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,920
I was joking! I put a smiley face on
it. You have to answer it! Go now!
207
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,440
She rejected me!
208
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,080
She said I was needy. Me?
209
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,240
If a baby is the most needy
and a dead person the least,
what would I be?
210
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,920
I don't know, a dead baby. Look,
you have to go, Gwen's here.
211
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,640
You didn't waste any time. What can
I say? Casper's out, I'm in.
212
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:47,800
Everything's perfect.
213
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,840
DOORBELL RINGS
214
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,040
Shit, that's Gwen's dad.
215
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,800
Tell him I'm away and you're looking
after my cat. What cat?
216
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,880
Chairman Meow, do I have to
think of everything?!
217
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,760
Hi, Sam. Hi...Shelly.
218
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,880
Shell? What are you doing here?
219
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,600
My kids' birthday gig got cancelled,
lice outbreak.
220
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,000
What are you two up to?
221
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:11,160
Oh, Andy was just lending me a DVD,
second series of Breaking Bad.
222
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,440
That's in the bedroom. I'll get it.
No! I farted in there
223
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,360
and it still stinks.
224
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,200
It's your dad, he's doing a sweep
of the flat. Shit!
225
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,400
Your haircut's not that bad.
226
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,960
Gwen, look... When can I see you
again?
227
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,640
I mean, for meaningless sex,
or whatever?
228
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,000
I don't know, Andy, I'll call you.
229
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:39,240
PHONE RINGS
230
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,080
Master juggler speaking.
231
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,840
'We've only been here an hour'
232
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,880
and they've made us
watch a cow give birth.
233
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,960
If that's what it's like,
I owe Mum an apology.
234
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,880
No wonder she's always
in a bad mood.
235
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,440
'And now Murray Thomas is
asking if I'll be his best friend.'
236
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,880
How do I turn him down nicely?
237
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:57,120
Andy?! I know what you're thinking.
That I should cut your balls off
and flush them down the toilet?
238
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,920
She's a sweet girl, Andy.
If you don't tell her, I will. No!
239
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:01,960
Hello?
240
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,960
Whose is this? It's...
241
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:10,760
It's mine, my back was killing
and so I whipped that baby off.
242
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:14,040
Boobs, huh? More trouble than
they're worth, am I right?
243
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:18,240
My boobs are killing me right now.
I better be off.
244
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,360
Don't you want your bra back?
Oh, God, I'm always leaving those.
245
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,440
Thank you. Tell her.
246
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,120
Your sister's a bit weird.
247
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,480
Films are a lot like life,
really, aren't they?
248
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:38,560
There's a beginning,
a middle and then an end.
249
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,960
This, Toy Story, Die Hard,
250
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,200
the first three, not the last two,
they were shit.
251
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:51,480
Everything ends eventually, even if
the sex is really, really good.
252
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,680
Sex, in Toy Story?
253
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,080
PHONE RINGS
254
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:03,800
Hello? 'Have you ever touched
a pig, Andy?'
255
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,040
They made us catch pigs.
256
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,480
'Their skin, it's so human.
257
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,200
'Fleshy. Pink. The trotters...'
258
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,680
like tiny deformed hands.
259
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,880
'One of them snorfed on me.
I think I have swine flu.'
260
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,240
What number are you calling from?
'They took my phone,'
261
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,680
I'm in the farm manager's office.
262
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,280
I couldn't sleep. Murray Thomas
was having night terrors.
263
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,680
'Please, I swear -
if you pick me up,'
264
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,960
I will iron your clothes for a year,
265
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:31,520
'even the underwear, whatever
it takes.' Will you break up with
Shelly for me?
266
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:32,840
DOG BARKS
267
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,000
Shit.
268
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,680
Coward!
269
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:41,040
Hello, Sam. I wanted to say congrats
on Suzy being your new sponsor.
270
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,920
I can see the appeal.
271
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:46,160
She is very cool and her vagina's
a shrine to rock 'n' roll,
272
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,400
so...no hard feelings.
273
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,240
Is it true?
274
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,520
About me and Janis? Yeah,
it was just the one night.
275
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,080
No, about you being my sponsor?
276
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,600
If I say yes, do you swear
you won't hug me? I swear.
277
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,280
Yes.
278
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,760
See, not a hug.
279
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,680
PHONE RINGS
280
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,760
Morning, sunshine.
281
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:17,240
You really should lock your windows,
you never know who might crawl in.
282
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,440
Where's...? Your little lady friend?
She's in the shower.
283
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,280
Sorry if my hands are cold.
284
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,240
Why are you...? Ugh!
285
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,560
Gwen told me about your little
rekindling.
286
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,240
Little?
She said it was average plus.
287
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,760
See, my little Gwenny,
she tells me everything.
288
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,400
Looks like you forgot
to tell her something, though.
289
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,520
She's just a friend!
290
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,120
In crotchless panties?
291
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,600
Those are for ventilation.
292
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,400
Ow!
293
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,920
I used to be like you,
sticking my dick in every hole.
294
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,160
Enough booze, I would have put it
in a Hoover. Problem is,
295
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,520
it doesn't have the answers
and it's reckless.
296
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,520
My dick's not the one that got
knocked up by Casper, the Emo Ghost.
297
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:03,760
Oh! Looks like she doesn't tell you
everything. I don't believe you.
298
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,040
If I'm lying, I'll let you come back
and finish the job off.
299
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,840
I'll even let you have my Hoover.
300
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:16,000
I'd go and see a doctor if I was
you. I think I felt a lump.
301
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,520
I'm so late. I'm supposed to be
singing at this lesbian wedding
in an hour.
302
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,360
It's freezing.
Why's the window open?
303
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,720
Are you all right? You look pale.
304
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,600
I think I felt a lump.
305
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,200
DOORBELL RINGS
306
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,080
Sam, I'm getting a little bit tired
of all these surprise visits.
307
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,520
Sorry, I know I'm early.
308
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,720
I was going to wait in my car,
but I had a grande macchiato
309
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,320
and I'm bursting.
Can I please use your loo?
310
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:47,280
Oh, God, you forgot about
our meeting, didn't you?
311
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,760
No, toilet is right there.
Oh, God. Thank you. Thank you.
312
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:54,240
Let's get you to this lesbian
wedding. Who's on the phone?
313
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,280
It's your nephew.
He seems really upset.
314
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,520
He said he had something really
important to tell me.
315
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,560
Andy, I need to get my hair
clip from the bathroom.
316
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,280
No, you don't. Your hair looks
amazing down. That's sweet,
317
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:05,520
but I really should get it.
318
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,120
TOILET FLUSHES
319
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,520
Who's in there?
320
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,960
It's erm... Hairdressers again.
321
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,840
No, custody case.
The full waterworks.
322
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:18,920
Aw, poor thing. OK, well, give her
a hug from me. Yeah, I will.
323
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,840
Ah...
324
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,040
That's better.
Who were you talking to?
325
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,440
Myself.
326
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,120
I thought I heard a woman's voice.
327
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:35,680
Yes, I am very in touch
with my feminine side.
328
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,160
That explains the hair clip.
329
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:41,400
Do you mind if I borrow it,
I left mine at home?
330
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,320
No, sure, knock yourself out.
331
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,000
I think you're going to love this.
332
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,240
Oh, The Adicts, sounds...lovely.
333
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,120
I'm not sure it's quite
right for the children though.
334
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,240
You're kidding, the kids are going
to love this.
335
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,320
I was getting stoned
listening to this when I was 13.
336
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,040
You started smoking pot
when you were 13? No, 11.
337
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,280
Do you want to get mashed up? It'll
make this music sound even better.
338
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,960
Oh, erm...
339
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,680
I really, er... No.
340
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,360
Thank you.
341
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:14,880
I've made you feel uncomfortable,
haven't I? No, I'm comfortable.
342
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,240
This sofa's very soft
343
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,000
and I've got my rape whistle
with me.
344
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,960
I'm kidding.
345
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,200
Forget it, it's fine.
346
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:29,040
I've done it again.
I'm always doing this.
347
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,200
Things are going well,
I'm being interesting...
348
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,640
I was being interesting, right?
349
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,160
Very, it was like a Ted Talk.
350
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,840
Then we go and ruin it all. No.
351
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:43,480
Look, if you want to hit up
your bong,
352
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,000
you go for it.
353
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,640
I might even have a puff.
354
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,760
MUSIC: "Zorro Is Back"
by Oliver Onions
355
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,960
# Here's to being free
356
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,160
# Here's to you and me
357
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,240
# Here's to being free
358
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,160
# La, la, la, la, la, la
Zorro's back
359
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,240
# It's fun to be
360
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,000
# It's fantasy
361
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,800
# He's so glad
362
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:22,800
# To know the world as Zorro
Zor-ro... #
363
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,800
So, have you really got
a rape whistle?
364
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,200
Yeah.
365
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,080
I mean, don't take it personally.
I bring it to my knitting circle.
366
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,120
I've heard them bitches be crazy.
367
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:45,520
You know, the class did an essay
on three people they admired.
368
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:51,320
Errol picked Alexander Fleming
for penicillin,
369
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,800
Edward Jenner for
the smallpox vaccine
370
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,000
and you.
371
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,520
Me? Uh-huh.
372
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,240
What did I do?
373
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,840
You're a good person.
374
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,680
You're a good teacher.
375
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,080
PHONE RINGS
376
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,480
It's Errol.
377
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,280
OK. This better be a real emergency.
378
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,120
I'm talking broken leg
or alien abduction minimum.
379
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,200
Do you know what a cloaca is?
380
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,240
'It's the hole chickens poop
and lay eggs out of.'
381
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:31,320
They use it for everything.
Everything. Even, coitus.
382
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,040
Coitus? It's another word for...
383
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,880
I know what coitus is. I thought
you had your phone confiscated.
384
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,400
Murray Thomas stole it back for me.
We're best friends now.
385
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,600
I thought you hated that guy?
He's pretty hilarious
once you get to know him.
386
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,480
He mooned a goat earlier
and it chased him.
387
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,400
Plus, he offered to buy me
a subscription
388
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,160
to New Scientist magazine.
389
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,520
That's worth £35.
You cheap slut.
390
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,800
Yeah, so, I don't need you to
pick me up any more.
391
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,280
'Perfect. Then you go to bed,'
392
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,480
cos I've got to go
and make sweet coitus
393
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,440
and, if I'm lucky,
she'll let me play with her cloaca.
394
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,520
# Melodie, girl, look what you did
395
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,400
# You're on the teaching staff
And you're great with kids
396
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,800
# You're caring and you're sensitive
397
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:35,240
# But you just don't turn me on
like Shelly
398
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,400
# Shelly, girl, you're irresistible
399
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:42,760
# You're talented
and you rock my world
400
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,480
# You're just like me
except you are a girl
401
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:51,040
# But you've got no self-esteem
Like Gwen does
402
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,560
# Gwen, Gwen, you're in my head
403
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,960
# I remember every word you said
404
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:02,200
# And the time
you chained me to my bed
405
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:06,200
# I just can't choose between
406
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:10,000
# I don't know how I'll carry on
407
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,640
# You're all perfect
except for one thing wrong
408
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:17,880
# If I could only roll you in to one
409
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:22,240
# I guess I'll have to fuck you all
410
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,720
# I love you each despite your flaws
411
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,320
# I'll be the man you each adore
412
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:33,200
# It's the only way
it can work for sure
413
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:40,960
# There's enough of me to spread
round and round and round. #
414
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,680
That's really good.
415
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,080
It's my ex. I'm going
to use it as an ashtray.
416
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,080
That way I can smash every fag end
into his face.
417
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,320
Cool.
418
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,520
I remember after I got separated,
I went through the wedding album
419
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:09,160
and cut Ben's crotch
out of every photo.
420
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,120
They're all in an envelope now.
Hundreds of tiny crotches.
421
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:13,480
It was oddly soothing.
422
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,880
Oh, God,
I wish I was your age again.
423
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,080
35? Why?
My boobs are starting to drop.
424
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,240
I don't care about boobs dropping.
425
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,880
I want to be your age
so I can relapse again. Huh?
426
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:25,680
You're young in drug years.
427
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,960
You can relapse at least
three more times.
428
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,680
Some of my best highs
were after I fell off the wagon.
429
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,960
I got pregnant during a relapse.
430
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,120
You've got some great
times ahead of you.
431
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,840
You know, I'm really glad Agnes
talked me into being your sponsor.
432
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,920
She did? Said there was something
special about you.
433
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,920
I'm beginning to see that now.
434
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,520
DOORBELL RINGS
435
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:50,840
TELEPHONE PINGS
436
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,800
Shit!
437
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,040
It's my landlord, I'm not allowed
girls over. What? Why?
438
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:02,160
He's in love with me. It's a weird
jealousy thing. Quick, come with me!
439
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:08,280
What's that banging?
It's the wind. Global warming.
440
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,240
Hide in the bathroom?
441
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,680
Did you tell Dad I was knocked up?
442
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,240
Me? Pffff, maybe, yeah.
443
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,800
Andy! I had no choice. He literally
had me by the balls.
444
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,120
DOORBELL RINGS
445
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:24,720
Are you going to get that?
446
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,760
It's probably just my sister. You
can't leave her out there, can you?
447
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,720
All right. I'll get rid of her.
Don't move.
448
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,320
Surprise delivery for Mr King!
449
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,320
Come over here and open it.
I'm sorry, Shell, I can't right now.
450
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,080
I think I'm coming down
with something.
451
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,680
We should get you to bed then.
No! I don't want to get you sick.
452
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:49,120
I think it's swine flu.
So, er, you should probably go.
453
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,200
DOORBELL RINGS
454
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,720
You going to get that?
455
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,680
She's insane! I know why Joplin
and Hendrix OD'd now.
456
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,480
It was from hanging out with her!
You have to help me get rid of her.
457
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,200
Who?
My sponsor. She's parking the car.
458
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,800
I told her you were a musician
and she insisted on meeting you.
459
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:09,160
You better get your will ready
because you're going to be dead
in an hour. Hi, Sam. Oh, hi, Shelly.
460
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:12,240
Ah! There's nothing like the smell
of a musician's apartment.
461
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,960
Oh, you must be the rock star.
And you must be one of his groupies.
462
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,880
I'm his girlfriend actually.
And you are?
463
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:21,080
I'm Suzy, Sam's sponsor. Oops!
Was that meant to be a secret?
464
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,560
Yeah. Oh, well.
So much for being anonymous.
465
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,120
WHAT is going on?
466
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:28,080
Uhh, Gwen?
What are you doing here?
467
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,920
Shit, you're "second toothbrush".
468
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,040
Is it safe to come out now?
469
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,320
Jesus Christ!
470
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,520
Oh, hi...everyone.
471
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,880
I can explain this.
You're cheating on me?
472
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,080
Cheating is such an ugly word.
We didn't sleep together.
473
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,200
But we did. But I'm his ex...
474
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,400
You musicians are all the same.
475
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,600
Can I just reiterate,
we didn't sleep together?
476
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,560
That bra wasn't yours, was it?
477
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:53,520
No, that was mine.
Can I have it back?
478
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,520
You covered for your brother's
infidelity? That is so co-dependent.
479
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,840
Is that my hairclip?
Well, you're the worst sponsor ever.
480
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,280
We didn't sleep together.
481
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,160
Who encourages a drug addict
to relapse?
482
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,280
Ladies, ladies, please, calm down.
483
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,480
ALL: Shut up!
484
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:11,600
Can I have my hair clip back?
Yeah, I'm so, so sorry.
485
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,200
You're such a prick, Andy.
486
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,040
I'll see you in group? Yeah.
487
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:25,000
Maybe we should forget
about the music project for now.
488
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,520
Melodie, please, wait, don't go.
489
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:28,800
SHE BLOWS RAPE ALARM
490
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,760
I like her.
491
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,640
Can I have my bra back now, please?
492
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,600
Thank you.
493
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:42,680
DOOR CLOSES
494
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,160
What? It was my size.
495
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,960
Oh! I'm never answering
my door again.
496
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,800
That's all you learned from today?
497
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,000
How about - you can't have
your cake and eat it too?
498
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,320
But if I bake the cake,
why can't I have a slice?
499
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,760
Yeah, but you tried
to eat three cakes.
500
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,760
I think I've got a cake problem.
OK, I've got to go.
501
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:10,280
I have to get on my knees and hope
poor, sweet Agnes will take me back.
502
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,560
You all right? Yeah. It's not like
I'm going to kill myself.
503
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,600
PHONE BUZZES
504
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:33,520
Stop calling me.
505
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,880
I don't want to hear
any more rubbish stories
506
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,560
about you on a farm
in the middle of nowhere.
507
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,800
Good, because I'm at
East Croydon Station.
508
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,520
I lied.
509
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,640
I knew it, you don't think
I'm average plus.
510
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,280
No...
511
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,840
I'm not pregnant.
512
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:54,840
I just said that because I got
a kick out of making you feel bad.
513
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,760
I'm not sorry though. What you did
was disgusting and pathetic.
514
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,200
I know. I'm going to work on it.
515
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,520
OK, well...anyway, I'm glad
I got that off my chest.
516
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,280
Stop staring at my chest.
517
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,800
Casper called.
He apologised for everything.
518
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,600
We're getting back together.
519
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:13,800
Great.
520
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,040
And there's one more thing.
521
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,400
OK. Just don't hit me too hard.
522
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:19,840
Geronimo.
523
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,360
What?
That's the safe word.
524
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:33,600
Seriously, you're going to pass up
on goodbye-forever sex?
525
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:38,880
It's just...there's someone
waiting for me.
526
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:40,960
Who's more important than sex?
527
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,600
You're in such deep shit.
Don't worry.
528
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,360
The class went on a day hike
while I stayed in bed faking sick.
529
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:54,320
They won't know I'm gone for ages.
Nicely done. What happened?
530
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:57,320
I thought you were having a great
old time with your new best friend.
531
00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:58,720
Murray Thomas dumped me.
532
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,760
He said New Scientist
was too expensive
533
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:04,640
and then Colin Peters agreed to
be his best friend for a Kinder Egg.
534
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:06,520
Relationships suck.
535
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,840
We seem to have a few hours to
kill before you're a wanted man.
536
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:11,720
What do you say
we swing by Legoland?
537
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:13,080
Yeah, I'd like that.
538
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:17,240
Oh, by the way, your phone
bum-dialled me while I was waiting.
539
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,040
Really? What did you hear?
Nothing.
540
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:21,560
Geronimo!
42798
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