Original subtitles

Yes?

Couldn't be better.

Everything's going according to plan, don't worry.

Look, when this thing's over...

I'll call right back.

Andra Shandra...

...exploded!

Okay.

When you say Andra Shandra exploded, what exactly do you mean?

She exploded like in a fight?

Or she just lost control and dropped a giant bucket of fake blood on you?

- No. - No?

We had a fight, alright?

A real one!

She literally exploded on me!

In my face!

This is...

...real blood!

Andra Shandra's blood!

Okay...

Listen to me very carefully, David.

What I'm about to ask you is very important.

More important than you can possibly imagine.

It is absolutely critical that you answer this question truthfully:

Are you fucking with me?

No!

- No? - No!

They would've killed me.

| didn't do anything. | swear it's the god's honest truth!

God's not honest.

But | believe you.

- | have to call the police! - No, no! Wait, wait, wait.

Just sit down, take a deep breath and tell me exactly what just happened.

I'm telling the police and you can listen.

I'm calling the cops right fucking now!

What's the German emergency number?

1-1-0. | remember.

What are you doing?

- Do you have something to do with this? - Don't be ridiculous. Of course not.

| just need to make sure this is not...

...you know.

- What are you talking about? - | was thinking of...

... your "Network".

Are you serious?

Listen.

If this was an assassination attempt ordered by "The Network" then,

first of all, you...

we definitely can't go to the German police.

They have high ranking officials working for them up to the top.

They can turn this whole thing around

and make you look like Andra Shandra's murderer.

But that makes no sense.

- Who would believe that? - Why would Andra want to kill you?

- That makes no sense! - | don't know!

Why does anyone do anything? Why would "The Network" want to kill me?

- | can think of a million reasons why. - Give me one!

- You could be a spy for the "Other Side”. - Why would | be a spy?

Do | look like a fucking spy?

The thing about spies is: They're trained not to look like spies!

| was a spy.

Do | look like a spy?

I'm not a fucking spy!

I'm David Hasselhoff!

And this fucking bombshell just fucking exploded in my fucking face!

Alright, please calm down!

Just go ahead and tell me everything that happened

and we somehow sort this out.

Andra Shandra...

...Was flirting with me.

She took me to my room and there was this box.

Suddenly there was this guy and he attacked me...

A guy?

Where is this guy?

Yeah...

...he's dead.

This is a bloody mess.

Literally.

Because of all the blood.

- | know. That's why | said it. - It was a joke.

| don't think it's a good time for making jokes, Henry.

Gallows Humor. Sometimes it's all we have.

Try it. Say something funny and you'll feel better.

Looks like Andra Shandra had some brains after all.

You see. Feels pretty good, right?

| think we should call 9-1-1.

Isn't it weird that nobody heard the explosion?

No firealarm, no nothing?

You shouldn't have to call the police.

This place should be flooded with cops and firemen by now.

The hotel is basically a construction site.

Our production are the only guests here

and everybody's drunk.

Or someone's making sure that it stays quiet.

You can't trust anyone. The bomb was in your room.

You're right.

This smells absolutely like "The Network".

It's exactly how they used to get rid of their problems:

- Just blow them to hell. - Why am | a problem?

I'm an insignificant symbol of peace and freedom here in Germany!

Exactly. But not everyone wants peace and freedom.

Maybe you're more significant than you think.

Andra Shandra tried to drug me.

Maybe even did so earlier.

Like you did 30 years ago. Pills into my drink.

Let's just say that maybe there is some conspiracy.

What should | do?

That's an excellent question.

First we have to be extremely careful now and think two steps ahead.

| still have some old contacts | can trust.

Maybe they can help us find out who's behind this.

Might be difficult to get in touch, though...

...could find a way out of this, you understand?

Who's calling you in the middle of the night?

One of my old contacts.

- What? How do you know? - The number. It's an old emergency code.

Hello?

Yes. Okay.

Yes, he is here, in front of me.

No. Okay.

Wait here.

Don't do anything! I'll be back in two minutes.

He wants to talk to you.

David Hasselhoff.

You're lucky to be alive.

If you want to stay alive, you do exactly as | say.

Understand?

Who are you?

- Why should | trust you? - We are your ticket out of this and...

We are your ticket out of this.

What matters is that you take a shower, stay at Henry's and lay low till morning.

Then go to the rehearsal and act as if nothing happened.

- Wait, what? - We meet tomorrow.

I'll be in touch.

What did he say to you?

He said | should take a shower.

What are you going to do?

Guess I'll take that shower.

I'm losing my shit.

...forgettable mess.

Hearts tumble down into a glass of pain.

Blood mixes with wine in the gutter,

minds fumble while the soul is slain,

in an outrage did | stutter

wasted words of sapience!

Fuck!

You want a piece of me? You want to kill me?

Come on! Anybody out there?

Come on, show me your faces!

Got your little bitch do your dirty work for you?

You fucking cowards.

What have | done to you?

Who are you?!

Fucking idiot!

- What exactly is happening here? - | don't know.

But you know that's neither the lines nor the stage directions, right?

He's just trying to make a point.

- | don't recall asking you! - She's right.

He barely has anything to do in this scene. It's all Tom.

He wants to show what he can do.

Maybe he feels you don't take him seriously.

He's David fucking Hasselhoff!

If that wasn't great acting, | don't Know what is.

Look at him! | think you're underestimating him...

Hello?

| apologize.

No, David, it's all good. This was great!

This was great. Unexpected, but great. Thank you!

- Tom Maria, are you okay? - No!

I'm so sorry. Come on.

- Are you trying to sabotage me, old man?! - No! | don't know what happened.

| got carried away. I'm so sorry!

-It was a terrible mistake- -My mistake, actually.

- Because | thought you're a cool dude! - Tom, he apologized. Relax.

| got caught up in the moment. | didn't know what | was saying.

Don't worry about it, David. It's all good.

Okay, everyone take five!

Fucking hell!

Ridiculous!

Hey. Hey.

- Henry Hubchen. Is he here yet? - | don't know where he is, sorry.

...not the attitude I'm looking for. You're not being helpful.

Just give this a chance, Batur.

I'm here, am | not?

This is me giving this whole fucking nightmare a chance,

which it doesn't deserve by the way.

| am here. You know who's not? The rest of your genius cast!

Where the fuck is Kendra Shrenda

or whatever her fucking Instagram-TikTok-name is!

And where the goddamn fuck is Henry?

You promised Henry!

If Henry Hubchen won't show, | walk.

Alright folks, new rule!

Latecomers have to bring coffee and cake for everyone. I'll start!

Hey! Where the fuck have you been?

What do you think?

| spent all morning looking for the best cake in Gorlitz.

- You are killing me, Henry! - No, but here this...

poppyseed sour cream cake will.

And it will be worth it.

Did | miss anything?

Anyway, I'm in a great mood.

Drink coffee, have some cake, and then we get going. Bam bam bam!

| would love to bam bam with you, Henry, but we just took five.

What's up with David?

Holy crap, David! You definitely look like you need some cake.

| don't need any cake. | need to know what's going on.

- Is everything okay? - No.

Remember last night?

We had a few drinks too many and you passed out in my shower.

But don't worry. What happens in our hotel rooms, stays in our hotel rooms.

How did | even get here?

You probably made use of the Homo Sapiens power of calling a cab.

You did what you're supposed to do.

You're doing great.

What was | supposed to do?

- Just have some cake! - | don't want any cake!

Throw it on the floor. Maybe he'll eat it then.

You want another kick in the balls, you little shit?

Go for it, Grandpa!

- Give it your best shot! - All right, Tom! Let it go.

David, come.

You kicked him in the balls? What's the matter with you?

| don't know. I'm not well. Look.

I'm still jet-lagged. | got to get back to the hotel.

- Make sure that room sev... - No, no, no. No.

| Know the pressure of all this is messing a little with your head.

But you need to get your act together.

Everyone has to be under the impression that this is the most normal day ever!

And we hung up that sign. Remember?

Sorry, | have to take this.

Yes, he's okay. I'm with him now.

David?

Here, drink this.

It's my magic hangover potion. It works wonders, trust me.

You were the one last night, who helped me look for my driver.

Yes, I'm Melli.

Chloe's or Batur's personal assistant.

Depends on who you ask.

| picked you up from the hotel this morning.

We talked quite a bit. You told me about your nightmare.

What nightmare?

The one where Andra Shandra exploded in your face.

Melli, right?

Don't tell anyone about that, okay?

Don't worry.

Until now I'm the only one who noticed that you're, you know... shitfaced!

| don't... drink... usually.

Hang on a second.

- What time is it? - Noon.

- And Henry just arrived, right? - A few hours ago. He was late.

You should really drink this.

You keep saying it looks like blood, but it's tomato juice with some salt...

That was poison. You will die in thirty seconds.

Just enough time to see your life flash in front of your eyes.

I'm kidding.

Come on, follow me.

So here's another recap for you:

The guy you kicked in the nuts is Tom Maria Dunckel.

He was a nobody until a week ago when his new film came out.

Critics destroyed it, but they loved Tom.

"A breakout performance", everybody decided.

Now he thinks he's a big star and wants to get out of this play.

The Turkish guy is Bartur N. Bathur. He's the director. First name Batur,

last name Bathur - with an "H".

He's a hot shot from London's West End.

Rumor has it he got banned from London's theatre scene

because he called an actor a faggot.

Since Demroy Corban is such a gay icon,

he's hoping to take the play back to London to rehabilitate himself.

That's your private room. Yellow.

...she's the producer and main financier of the play.

She alone put this thing together, they say.

Not sure if that's the whole truth, but...

| like her. She's cool.

And | guess you remember Andra Shandra and Henry?

Andra is still a no-show, though.

Tell me this is still the first day of rehearsal.

What was in those drinks last night?

Today's the premiere! Thousands of people just await...

I'm kidding!

You need to stop kidding.

Yes, it's still the first day. We just had make-up and wardrobe tests.

Don't mention my nightmare to anyone.

That's private.

- Got it. - Hey!

This isn't about drinking last night.

This is something else.

I'll get you when the break is over.

What do you think I'm doing? I've been working on him all day.

Why even have this conversation on the phone, it's ridiculous.

Just tell me what the hell is going on.

This is about to blow up in our faces and you're...

You can get who?

And you're sure?

Wonderful! I'll talk to him.

No. Spare me the speech.

| Know you've been sent for that. Who is running this shitshow anyway?

Why does he or she or they/them/it,

gender my fucking ass, not talk to me in person?

- You deal with me, that's how it is. - No. That's how it was.

- You sure you want to do that? - You can threaten me all you want.

| won't be bullied into this anymore.

You know I'm fucking done.

| can get Jasmin von Otten to replace Andra.

lf Andra breaks her contract and doesn't show up till the end of the day,

| can fire her.

And you get a real actor with Jasmin!

- How sure is that? - | just phoned her! She'd do it.

Did she... Did she say something about me?

Oh, come on. She loves you.

Okay and...

- And what about David? - What about him?

Maybe he went a little off script, but he was amazing.

| never thought he'd actually show up.

Really, expect me...

to direct the guy from fucking "Baywatch"?

You should be glad for the opportunity!

David's the reason the thing works! He's the draw.

Not Henry, not Tom with his silly hype going on and certainly not you.

We can manage losing Andra. But not David.

See, if you can manage losing me.

You know, Jasmin wasn't disinterested in directing herself...

You... You are a cunt. You know that, right?

| Know that this potty mouth of yours got you kicked out of London.

And now this cunt is your best shot at ever getting back.

Rehearsal is about to start. They need you back on stage.

Come in here a second.

- Can | ask you something? - Yes.

You're part of these people.

Am | just the guy from "Baywatch"?

I've never seen "Baywatch", so...

to me you're just a guy.

A guy who plays a badass Lester.

Since it looks like Andra won't honor us with her presence,

my personal assistant will read 'Josephine'

for the remainder of this glorious first day.

Let's pick up at...

12: Lester at the mercy of Arkin.

- Henry?! - Okay.

(0 - Hen-! kay! Let's go.

Ok. David!

I'm not

what you want me to be,

| am nothing in a world where nothing is sacred.

I'm a sacrifice at the behest of the devil,

to mirror your longing for fire and death, to make you become what you want to become.

In the tenebrous corners of your feeble mind.

If you could only admit it, | would die with a grin on my face,

and then I'd be happy to trade my last breath just for a chance to spit on you!

Henry!

- You see that guy up there? - Where?

What guy?

- You... need a line, David? - No, no. I'm good.

Hey, Batur!

Can | try something? Let me improvise something

- to help David get into it! - Yeah, yeah...

Go ahead!

Some people stand in the darkness,

afraid to step into the light.

Some people need to help somebody when the edge of surrender's in sight.

Don't you worry, it's going to be alright, ‘cause I'm always ready! I...

- ...won't let you out of my sight. - What are you doing, Tom Maria Dunckel?

Those are the lyrics to the "Baywatch" theme song.

Hah.

- Hilarious. - I'll be ready,

I'll be ready.

Never you fear, no don't you fear!

I'll be ready, forever and always,

I'm always here!

Okay, | guess you guys all had your fun, huh?

I'll do you both a favor.

Tom. Batur.

I'll get you guys out of this deal.

Real easy.

Come on, David!

In us, we all have the power!

But sometimes it's so hard to see,

when instinct is stronger than reason,

it's just human nature to me...

What are you looking for, David?

Freedom?!

Well done, Tom! Thank you. Great.

Did you meet Andra Shandra?

Yeah. She's nice. Really nice.

Who are you?

Are you following me?!

Who is following you?

| got to leave.

There's a press conference tomorrow.

You're kind of a big deal, huh?

‘David Hasselhoff is a big deal.

But I'm not. Listen, can you get me a flight back to LAX tonight?

I'm sorry about Tom and that song. | didn't know it's something you hate.

| don't hate it. It's a great song.

Just get me on a plane. Don't worry about it. This place...

gives me the creeps.

- Chloe will kill me, if I... - It's okay.

Just drive me to the hotel and the airport right after.

- Hey, honey! - Dad?

- Listen, | got to tell you... - You'll never believe

who | just got off the phone with!

Steven fucking Soderbergh!

There's been a scheduling issue with George Clooney... He's considering it!

| mean, he has some reservations, but

| told him about your play and he's impressed!

He wants to be sent a tape!

Dad? The director, Steven Soderbergh?

- | know who he is. - So, aren't you stoked?!

Your play is making waves over here!

Listen, honey...

| can't do this.

I'm coming home. Something's just not right here.

| can't really explain it, but this is not working.

What's the problem? Maybe | can renegotiate something?

There's nothing to renegotiate.

Just get me out of it. I'll pay for the damage.

- Did you drink? - What? No! No!

No! No!

| got a call and they're concerned.

| didn't drink, Peach.

- So, what is the problem? - It's just not right, I'm sorry.

| Know you meant well.

But | got to listen to my instincts.

- I've always had to. - Okay...

- | know you took some big risks. - Don't worry about it.

I'll book the flight right away,

and we'll talk when you get back, okay?

- | love you, Dad. - Love you too.

- -So, hotel and then airport? - Yeah.

Call me when you know when your flight is.

- I'll be right here, within five minutes. - You rock! Thanks.

Hello?

Hello?!

Mr. Hasselhoff, how can | help you?

Where did you come from?

| was actually born here.

| mean just now.

You weren't here a second ago.

Magic.

Keep having a good day!

I'm not having a good day, Conny.

Thank you, sir!

We had a few drinks too many and you passed out in my shower.

But don't worry. What happens in our hotel rooms, stays in our hotel rooms.

And we hung up that sign, remember?

They cleaned it up pretty good.

My old contacts at "The Network".

- What do they want? - A meeting. That's all.

What if I'm not going?

They saved your ass here for Christ's sake, David.

Get in.

Subtitles: digital images, 2022