Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

D'oh!

[tires screech]

D'oh!

-[Bart Whoa! -[all grunting]

[Homer] This guy must be a pinball wizard!

-[buzzes] -[Homer] I'm at work. D'oh!

Hmm. Something feels different.

It's 11:00 a.m. on a weekday.

I'm on my 3rd beer, right on schedule.

No, wait, Homer's right.

Something's, uh, missing.

Wasn't there a grade from the health inspector over there?

Nah, it's always been that sign.

Next year, I hope they give me a U.

I know what's missing.

Did a woman named Diane used to work at this bar,

and now she's been replaced by a woman named Rebecca?

If a woman named Diane had a lead role in a bar like this, why would she ever leave?

That'd be career suicide.

No, it's not some smart, ambitious woman that's missing.

In fact, it's the complete opposite of that.

-Barney. -Barney.

No Barney? [stutters] When's the last time he was here?

-[rodent squeals] -Oh. Oh, God.

He's been gone at least a week.

Hey, guys.

Beat it, string bean. We're trying to figure out

-what happened to our friend Barney. -I'm Barney. Ta-da.

[scats]

And you ain't Barney.

Barney Gumble is overweight, boozed-up, can't go two seconds without unleashing a…

-[burps] -[all] Barney!

Uh. Wow, buddy. You really lost some weight.

Yeah, I was feeling kind of blah,

so I went to the doctor and he ordered up some tests.

Oh, my dear friend. Oh, this ain't good.

No!

Why does God take all the people that drink themselves to death?

It's not that bad.

The tests just showed that I have hyperglycemia.

So, low blood sugar?

Lenny. He said, "hyper," not "hypo."

Any idiot knows the difference, idiot.

So, Barn, you-you're not dying?

Except in the same slow, horrible way we all are.

Soon enough, my pretties. [chuckles]

I'm fine.

They put me on this medicine that regulates my glucose.

Othinquic. The weight loss is just a side effect.

[hums cancan music]

Wow. A medicine that actually makes you skinny?

That's the best side effect since Viagra was created for…

What was Viagra created for?

I think it was to help comedy writers.

-[Moe] Oh, yeah. -[Homer] Those are always funny.

Hey, let's celebrate. Uh, refresh my memory.

Beer is your drink, right?

No, thanks.

Another welcome side effect is I no longer crave alcohol.

One club soda with lime, please.

Don't crave alcohol?

I can't let this secret get out.

What secret?

Wonder weight loss drug.

Hey, Lou. Wanna hear the big news I'm gonna tell everyone?

Yeah, but, Chief, the bank robbers are right over there.

And they can stay there until I tell you this interesting fact.

It all started at Moe's.

You know, the place next to the, uh, the music store.

You mean the one the bank robbers are holed up in?

If you keep interrupting, I'm just gonna talk slower.

[♪ "Chase" from Midnight Express plays]

[both grunt]

[music stops]

Thanks. I need to give something to my son.

A calming butterscotch?

Never leave me alone.

Now leave me alone. [grunts]

Wow, Chief. That drug really works.

Go ahead, Lou. Put your hand in there. Hey, that's an order.

-I resign. -Well, even so, I got you for two weeks.

Now stick it in. Yeah, right there. That's it.

I mean, it has really changed my life.

Sarah and I are making whoopee again. We're gonna have more Ralphies soon.

A big one, a girl one, one that even looks more like Eddie.

Must try this drug.

Diet and exercise do not work for me, as I do not do them.

So does it come in gummy or vape?

It's in a convenient needle that you inject yourself with once a week,

but you need a prescription.

To the "doct-arr!" Then the "ph-arr-macy!"

♪ Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk ♪

♪ I'm a woman's man, no time to talk ♪

♪ Music loud and women warm ♪

♪ I've been kicked around since I was born ♪

♪ And now it's alright, that's okay… ♪

I really don't think you need to lose weight, sir.

My target weight is to fit inside a mailing tube by Christmas.

Jab me.

[Burns] Excellent.

For the first time since the invention of the McNugget,

America's waistbands are shrinking

because, with this epidemic, people actually wanna get their shots.

But is this new drug safe?

Our answer: Yes, of course.

What are you, crazy?

Won't surprise you after this word from our sponsor.

[melancholy piano music plays]

[announcer] Do you suffer from blood sugar issues?

Or are you just not bathing suit-ready

and willing to claim you have blood sugar issues?

The new Danish drug Othinquic might be for you.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

I'm a mirakelmedicin.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

We're going to be best friends forever,

which is how long you have to take me.

[announcer] Side effects include lack of appetite, pancreatitis,

having to buy new pants,

a brutally painful death and not being able to play Santa at Christmas.

-Othinquic. -♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

Okay, I have to address the elephant in the room, by which I mean Homer.

How come you're not on that stuff, dumbo?

Because it makes you stop eating, and eating is natural.

Body positivity.

Yes, I'm positive you look like a talking beach ball.

Listen, boy.

I would only go on medication if a doctor told me to,

and I don't see doctors.

Always telling me to do stuff.

Hey, at least I'll never lose you in a crowd. [laughs]

Bart, enough with the fat-shaming.

I love Dad however he looks, and Mom does too. Right, Mom?

Um…

Right, Marge?

Hmm. Uh…

Well, I support you, Dad.

I'm proud of you for not giving in to Big Pharma.

The only thing I'm giving in to is Big Parma at Luigi's.

-Whoo-hoo! All right. -Yay, Dad!

[Homer chuckles]

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Mama, we got a reservation.

I can't cook. I gotta the SoulCycle.

-[Homer] Whoo-hoo! -[engine starts]

What's wrong, Marge?

Upset that you're going to be the only woman in town

stuck with an overweight hubby?

What? No, of course not. Am I?

-Ow! -You love Homer. I get it.

But obesity is a major health risk.

I should know. I'm in medicine.

Actually, you are medicine.

Good one. Yeah.

So maybe you do want him to change.

Wouldn't he be hotter if he looked like this?

Oh!

Something for both of you.

A six-pack and a washboard. [laughs]

Or you could just let things go as they are and…

[dramatic music plays]

[gasps]

Yeah.

[screams]

Homer. Homer, wake up. I need you.

For snuggling?

Talking, talking.

Oh. That's just as good.

Totally. Please, continue.

I've been thinking, maybe you should try to get down to fun size again.

But I thought you loved me for who I am.

I do. But I want you to see Lisa graduate from college

and see Bart get a good deal on a used car.

Please take the medicine.

Okay, okay. I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Now it's snuggling time.

-[both moaning] -[groans, retches]

I hate having eyes that can't blink.

Oh, I tried everything to lose weight.

I hired personal chefs, consulted the best doctors,

as well as Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz.

I even bought a weight loss company.

You know, normal people stuff,

but nothing worked until I got on Othinquic.

-And now check this out. -[crowd cheering]

I'm as thin as I was on the night my boyfriend Steadfast proposed,

but this is permanent,

unless the drug stops working,

which you better hope it doesn't

because you're all going on it.

Look under your seats.

[crowd cheers]

You get a waistline. You get a waistline.

Oh, I am so generous that it doesn't matter that I'm not humble.

And remember, only read books I like.

That drug is a miracle.

So when did you two go on it?

Uh, we didn't.

We lost this weight by exercise and eating in moderation.

Right. Moderation.

Also, we quit smoking.

That helps people lose weight, right?

No. Actually…

Besides, our fiancés love it.

[both groaning]

Fiancés? You're getting married?

Yep. To people from work.

Never interested in them before.

Because they were chubbos.

And how did they lose weight?

Eating in moderation.

Well, even if they did take that drug, I don't think they need to be ashamed.

Homer's seeing the doctor about getting on it right now.

Homer? Huh. They better find a needle strong enough to get through hippo hide.

I'm sorry you don't have a husband with the willpower

to lose weight naturally like us.

Yeah. By the way, Marge, can we each borrow $900 a month?

It's for, um… [stutters] …vegetables.

And yoga pants.

If we miss one dose of yoga pants, we balloon right back up.

-Mm-hmm. -Yeah.

$900 a month? Why is it so expensive?

Health insurance stopped covering it, and the pharmacies are out of stock.

The first priority are the people who need it the most.

The people who are actually sick?

No. A-list Hollywood stars.

It's the most difficult time of the year: award season.

Where did you get yours?

Oh, I'm not on it.

I-I lost this weight naturally.

[stutters] As a doctor, I know the value of diet and exercise.

You've been a doctor for 20 years. Why didn't you lose weight before?

[laughs] Get out.

[melancholic music plays]

Do you have Othinquic?

No. Just Sudafed, NyQuil,

and one of the hardest things of all to get out of a drugstore:

razor blades. [laughs]

[sighs]

I've, uh, heard you're looking for a certain weight loss vaccine.

-You got cash? -Does anyone anymore?

Not to worry, we take the Venmo.

And occasionally the Zelle.

But never the Cash App.

They offer the Bitcoin, but not the Ethereum.

How am I supposed to arbitrage between the two?

Forget about it.

Mmm.

[foreboding music plays]

Here you go.

Pure uncut Othinquic.

Guaranteed to reduce the labonza.

It's the anti-antipasto.

Where did you get this?

Let's just say

a truck lost a little weight

passing through Springfield.

Wait a minute. I thought you don't get high on your own supply.

I personally lost this weight

through diet and exercise.

Even you lie about it?

If you can't trust godfathers, who can you trust?

I don't cheat on diets.

I would never cheat on anything.

Except my wife.

♪ Weight loss drug ♪

♪ Drop a size without exercise ♪

♪ When I put a spike into my leg ♪

♪ I get full from just one egg ♪

♪ Eating hot dogs with no bun ♪

♪ Half a sandwich and I'm done ♪

♪ And I eat, but I just don't gorge ♪

♪ I can see my feet 'Cause I just don't gorge ♪

Hmm.

What happened to these people?

They look fabulous, right?

They look sad.

Maybe it's all that loose skin sagging from their faces.

Hey, getting Othinquic face is one of the few negative effects,

and you can always fix that with injections of body fat.

Trust me, I'm a wonder drug.

The more I see, the more I wonder.

Okay, boomer.

Look, weight loss is healthy, no matter how.

We've done a lot of research.

On safety?

On profits. The profits are 100% safe,

and we'll find out the dangers sooner or later.

After everyone's already on it?

Including my husband.

Exactly. The most enormous beta test of all time,

and you lab rats are paying us to be in it.

Patetiske tåber, which means "suckers."

Homer!

Dad, are you sure you want to do this?

As sure as I was that I didn't want to do it yesterday.

In that case, I support you, but just barely.

That's what Dad's chair says.

Oh, man. I'm gonna miss making fat jokes.

You'll still have bald jokes.

It's not the same.

Goodbye, my love handles.

You'll be in heaven with my back fat, my triple chin,

and my… [sobs] …finger chub.

-Stop! Homer, stop! -Huh?

No. No, no, no.

You're throwing it out? But you wanted me to take it.

I was wrong. I know it's the hot new trend,

but so were fanny packs, tramp stamps, and Teslas.

Mmm.

I usually cover this with my fanny pack.

But I thought you were worried about us growing old together.

Of course I want that.

But what's even more important is that you're here with us right now,

and we can move on safely.

Hey, what are you doing?

Homer, as the only overweight man left in town,

you have something that we desperately need.

You're kidnapping my husband?

Think of it as a side effect of not taking weight loss drugs.

Andiamo.

[Homer] No, no, no, no.

He's too fat to fit in the car.

Put him in the trunk.

He's too fat to fit in the trunk.

Lash him to the roof.

We're gonna need more rope.

[screams, mutters in Italian]

[Homer mumbles]

Ooh! Pork chops.

[screams] Fat Tony.

Ooh! Pork chops.

We need your fat to fill in our faces

so we can look eternally young like the Real Housewives,

who don't look real and spend all their time outside of the house.

Now eat. Mangia.

What you said makes me almost not want to eat.

-The police are gonna be furious. -Actually, uh, no, we're not.

Come on, swallow.

Can't wait to get your ass in my face.

[muffled] You monster! [gulps]

Wait till the Mayor hears about this!

Oh, believe me, I know.

Slim Tony and I are in cahoots.

The Mayor in league with the mob?

I'm happy to reach across the aisle

as long as it's not with the members

of another political party.

[tires screech]

[Marge] Give me back my husband!

[crowd screams]

[Patty] Look who's here.

Little Miss "thin without having to take drugs."

Which none of us take.

You're just jealous because we're more beautiful than you.

[Patty grunting]

Now, out of the way.

Because, for the first time ever, we want your husband.

Well, I'm taking my husband back.

You and what army?

[Luigi] This-a army.

[tires screech]

We are the true victims of Ozempic… I mean, uh, uh, Othinquic.

The hard-working-a people who make-a your food.

And who pour your damn drinks.

You think you could operate a beer tap by yourself?

Yes, you could.

So, uh… Where am I going with this?

These-a drugs don't-a just stop your eating.

They stop-a all your compulsive behavior.

And compulsive behavior is-a the only reason anybody eats-a spaghetti.

It's like-a worms with less-a nutrients.

Hypocrito.

Criticizing us when you're clearly riding the O-Train yourself.

I am not-a taking the drugs.

Yeah, we know.

"Diet and exercise."

No. I lost-a weight legitimately from a severe depression.

You, you are ruining my life.

[both shouting in Italian]

-Homer, they took your tuchus. -[screams]

You can't leave me like this.

I'm like the Batman villain Two Face:

beautiful on one side and hideous on the other.

Uh, which is the beautiful side again?

Here's a thought: Maybe you can all stop taking the drug.

If I knew the meaning of the word "stop," I would not be taking it. Der!

Look at your faces.

Let me try. I've had more experience addressing mobs.

I am the last fat man in Springfield,

and while I can't see my feet, I can see something else.

You are all unhappy.

Love people for what's inside.

Lots of delicious food.

And admire the ingenuity of the American chemist

who has designed potato chips that make you hungrier,

sodas that make you thirstier,

all-you-can-eat restaurants that make you never feel full again.

We sit eating food, watching TV about food

with commercials for more food!

[all] Food-S-A! Food-S-A!

Goldarn it. Replace the word "America" with the word "Texas,"

and I agree with everything you said.

[crowd cheering]

I'm getting off this stuff.

And back on statins, antidepressants, mood elevators, and useless vitamins.

[gulping]

Is my old table available?

Yes, yes. And the gun is still-a behind the toilet for you.

Fratello mio. Ooh-ee!

Is a happy end.

[gulps]

Patty and Selma gained back the weight and lost the fiancés.

They're doing a group sologamy celebration instead.

Salami celebration? What's that?

It's when a person marries themselves,

but there'll be two of them doing it together,

but not to be together

even though they live together.

Good night, sweetheart.

So what are you going to wear?

That strapless black dress, right?

Oh, it's from before I had kids.

I doubt it still fits.

The ceremony is still a month away,

and I'm exactly a month's supply.

After everything I've seen,

why should I trust you?

It's just a month. One and done.

Hmm. I would love to wear that dress.

Whoa. [groans]

I feel a little nauseous.

[Marge] Why is everything black? Did I lose my vision?

[syringe] Blindness is a side effect, but that's only 3% of cases.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic! ♪

[Othinquic theme plays]

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ You might lose your big toe ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

♪ Beware you might lose all your hair ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

♪ You cough, then your kidneys fall off ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

♪ You'll die ♪

♪ But you'll be thin so don't cry ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! ♪

Shh!