Original subtitles

♪ Look up there ♪

♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North ♪

[cheering]

[in French accent] Oui monsieur, you still have le three hours to le wait.

[mimics French] Hon, hon, hon.

I'm just really excited 'cause it's my wife's

first time celebrating her birthday

the traditional Tobin way.

We love coming here for special events.

Birthdays, graduations,

that time Ham got retweeted by Reba.

I do not care.

Understood. Hon, hon, hon.

Great news, my birthday Bedelia.

Three hours of waiting down. Just three more to go.

I'm so excited to try the best fake French food

in this little fake French town.

Oh, yeah. The snails here are way better than the ones I ate from the garden.

And, man, they do not skimp on the French.

Oh, yeah. They put a bowl of complimentary cigarettes on every table.

And they are so mean.

If your party size is too large or too small when your name is called,

or if you take more than one minute to respond,

the mime physically

-removes you from the property. -[man] Whoa!

He's stronger than he looks.

I once saw him tear an invisible phonebook in half.

Oh, that was insane. Remember that, Judy?

Uh, yeah. Whatever. I'm kind of busy here, Wolf.

When we sit down, can someone remind me

to ask the waiter if they have a color printer I can connect to?

Yikes. Is she still working on her essay

for that European summer program she's applying for?

Academic Super Stars in the Alps.

Academic Super Stars? ASS.

[chuckling] Ass.

Moon, don't laugh.

[giggles] ASS in the Alps.

She keeps going over her essay with a thesaurus.

I find it annoying. Abrasive. Irritating.

I practically had to drag her here

to celebrate Honeybee's first Alaskan birthday.

She should take a tip from me.

Grades ain't nothing but a number.

-Letter. -Sure.

-[phone vibrates] -[gasps] Oh, my God, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Uh... I'm just going to go to the bathroom.

Wow, she's really excited about going to the bathroom.

I hope it's everything she's dreaming of.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

Hey, pal,

your name Judy? I'm looking for Judy.

[shushes] Don't say my name too loud.

My family's here to celebrate a birthday,

and they think I'm in the bathroom.

We're all the way outside.

Are they really good at hearing or something?

Okay, I'll ask the questions here.

You got the goods?

-Take a look for yourself. -[animal squeals]

That's a weasel, all right. Here's your money.

You know, this isn't exactly legal,

so, you know, don't tell anyone I sold it to you.

-Fine. -Unless they also wanna buy one.

Word of mouth is everything in my business.

Give them my card.

There's a bunch in the bag. Sorry some are wet.

Okay, I'm leaving now.

Hey, Judy, tell them to use promo code,

WEASELSWEASELSWEASELS.

That's three weasels, all caps, no spaces!

Ten percent off!

Is it just me, or has the blond one been gone a really long time?

I'm so hungry I forgot her name.

-Judy? -I guess.

I could've sworn it was Julie.

She has been gone a while.

I'm sure she's just reading the back of the stall with the events calendar.

I wanna come back for Rude Poetry Night

and the storming of the Bastille meal deal.

Hmmm. It's only two and a half hours till our table's ready.

We really ought to find her.

We do not wanna risk missing our reservation.

Yeah, we don't want a repeat of the time we missed eating

because of Ham's so called emergency.

My appendix burst. And I said I was sorry.

We forgive, but we never forget.

I'll go see if she's still in the bathroom real quick.

And the rest of us will look around, too,

in case she got lost on the way back.

Judy? Judy?

Huh.

[Wolf] Judy?

Judy Trudy Tobin?

Judy?

Judy?

Maybe she's hiding behind one of these pastries.

Better check. [grunting]

Oh, locked.

[grunts] I see they learned their lesson from the last time I was here.

[grunting and groaning]

Judy? You in here?

Whoa. Ice in a urinal.

Ooh la la.

-Couldn't find her. -Same.

-[phone vibrates] -Oh, here we go.

She texted on the family chain.

She's running an errand

-and says to eat without her? -What?

That's not how this works.

She knows that.

We put our name in already.

We won't be seated if we don't have six.

And it's Honeybee's birthday.

Her phone is on the move, but she's still in New Fork.

How do you know?

Remember, we shared our locations to each other

during Ham's ridiculous appendicitis stunt?

Watching his dot not leave the hospital was so infuriating.

I was in septic shock.

My God, Ham, take some accountability.

Looks like she's headed for the New Fork metro.

This town has a metro?

Eh. It just goes three stops and dumps you kind of nowhere.

They do hire actors

to pretend to be kissing each other goodbye

at the station. It's a nice touch.

I'm gonna go stop her. Two hours and 20 minutes

till I need to get back here on my mark.

Nothing's getting in the way of my wife's perfect birthday.

-[Honeybee] Oh. -[both kiss]

Wait for me.

Oh. He is so dramatic.

I honestly love it so much. [kisses]

Judy!

-Judy, I can see you. -Oh.

-What are you doing? -Just leave me alone.

I have to go back to Lone Moose.

But everyone you know and love is at La Fancy.

Except for me who's following you.

Don't follow me.

But it's Honeybee's birthday.

I'm so sorry. You wouldn't understand.

-[rattles] -Damn it.

[in French] Billet, s'il vous plait.

I... I don't have a... uh, whatever you said.

I... I just need to retrieve my sister.

No ticket, no sister.

A bientot.

Well, well, well.

What have we-asel here?

I gotta catch that train at the next station

to stop my sister from whatever it is she's doing with a weasel

and get her to come back for my wife's birthday dinner.

Oh, yeah, I've been through that exact same thing with my sister.

-Ugly business. -Really?

Mine's been acting very intense about this summer program in Europe.

Oh. It was the same with my sister.

I mean, my wife's family is far away,

so we were all gonna be there for her,

but Judy is ruining her special day.

Brother, it's like listening to a mirror.

[Wolf] Oh, here we are.

You know, I couldn't save my sister,

but you can still save yours.

Go to her, Cham.

Is your name Cham?

No, it's Wolf, but, uh--

My name's Cham,

so I thought your name would be Cham too,

'cause we have so much in common.

Cham, what happened to your sister?

Nothing. Forget it. Go!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Okay. And now, the hunt begins.

-Oh, she's right there. -[screams]

What are you doing here? Why do you have a weasel?

You wouldn't understand.

Just go back to La Fancy.

[announcer in French accent] Door closing for departure.

Dang it. Lost her.

Ooh, hold on. Snack station?

Well, I'm gonna need my energy

if I'm gonna chase and catch my own sister.

Let me try the Conductor's Nachos.

Two hours left. Time to update everyone.

Hello, family...

[in French accent] Matthews, family of four?

-Not here? No table. -[phone vibrates]

Uh, okay. Uh, Wolf says he's on the train, but he hasn't gotten Judy yet.

Ugh, what if they don't make it back?

I need my creme brulee.

I'm a growing boy.

I'm also a growing boy.

Look, we're all growing boys.

[groans] This is not good.

I don't even wanna know what the mime will pretend to throw at us

if we're two people short when our name is called.

Excuse me, did I hear that you are missing two members of your party?

There are two of us because we are twins.

That's how twins work.

There's no triplet, and we didn't hurt her.

Of course, you didn't.

We arrived a long time after you,

but we'd like to eat sooner, so...

[both] We'd love to join your party.

Uh, excuse me, we're also party of two.

And we're on the standby list, so...

But we asked first.

Sure, you guys were first,

but my son and I are funst.

-What? -Fun. We're more fun. Pick us.

[chuckles] I mean, just look at my fun T-shirt.

"FBI: Female Brain Idolizer."

[giggles] Okay, that shirt is a riot.

Are you really looking for a couple to join your party?

We'd love to be considered.

Hold on. Tobins, a word.

Look, I believe in my husband,

but I also believe in me eating delicious French food on my birthday.

We need a backup plan if he and Judy don't get back in time.

We could do shrooms in the desert?

I've got a better idea.

We should have a Bachelorette-style

competition for our open seats.

And since I've seen every episode of the show,

plus the extremely brief run of the classical opera based on the franchise,

I can be the star.

[gasps] Ooh, this is gonna be funst.

[rattling]

Well, hi there, young lady.

I'm Willa, and this is my husband, Will.

[mumbles] Yeah, nice to... nice to meet you.

Aren't you gonna ask about us?

We're extremely interesting.

Get a load of this.

We're traveling to every state,

and we always ride a train and visit a local museum.

Next stop is the Crab Leg Museum.

Trying to see the world.

I'm trying to see the world, too.

And this is my ticket out of here.

-Oh, no, no! Long rat! Ahhh! -[all yelling]

-[announcer] Doors opening for arrival. -[Judy] Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Judy. And weasel -No, no, no. Ahhh!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, sorry. Here's your badge and cuffs.

Judy.

Wolf, uh, leave me alone. I've got to get this guy back in his bag.

What the hell has gotten into you?

You won't understand.

Judy, we have to get back for Honeybee.

I've bigger stuff on my mind than a dumb family tradition.

Like what?

Just let me finish my weasel business,

and I promise I'll try to get back to New Fork in time for dinner, okay?

Judy, they're gonna call our name soon.

-[squealing] -I gotcha. Just leave me alone!

Judy, there's nowhere left to go.

Come back to La Fancy with me.

Au revoir, Wolf.

That's "goodbye" in French.

Judy, no! You can't jump. This is madness.

-[Judy screams] -No!

-Judy. No! -[♪ tense music playing]

Oh, the train's stopping. You're fine.

[announcer] This is our final stop.

All right. Time to hitchhike my way back to Lone Moose.

Wait. This isn't my bag.

Where did my weasel... [gasps]

Will? Wheel?

Wheel... uh... Whatever your name is. Wait!

You have my long rat.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's over, Judy.

-[clicking] -What are you talking... [gasps]

Oh, my God. Wolf, uncuff me so I can go get that weasel.

I need it. I know they're going to the Crab Leg museum.

I can find them there and get the weasel back. Uncuff me.

Nope. I have a job to do on behalf of my beloved wife on her birthday,

which you should care about, too.

Oh, no, I can't believe this is happening.

I'm getting very heavy.

Do not... Don't you dare go boneless.

I will drag you.

[groans] Eventually.

-[Wolf groaning] -Wolf, look, let's make a deal.

We don't even have to uncuff.

You come with me to get the weasel back and finish my plan,

and I promise we'll take the Lone Moose Lone Uber

back to the restaurant in time to eat.

I'll use all my Christmas money. All of it.

-Nope. -Okay, I hear that.

Excuse me, Miss.

This random man is stealing me.

I do not know him,

-and he is not my brother. -Oh, my God!

Ah... [stammering]

Deal?

Yeah, fine. Deal.

Ooh, oh, my bad. He is not stealing me, and he is my brother.

I have three, so it's confusing.

[chuckles] Bye.

All right, let's go see about a weasel.

[♪ intriguing music playing]

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, our birthday girl, Honeybee,

will get to know each of you before presenting the ceramic poodle

to the diners she wishes to have join us.

Good luck, and may you be eating soon.

Thank you all for joining me on this journey.

I just know my dining partners are in this room,

and I can't wait to spend the rest of this night with you.

Well, with us, you only have to learn one face,

'cause my face is her face and her face is my face.

And we are great conversationalists.

Yeah, we like to talk about all sorts of stuff.

-Like, what's up... -...what's new...

...and what's happening.

Hmm. I've been wondering what's happening.

Is it okay if I steal myself from you for a minute?

I've been hurt before by dinner companions who chew too loud.

How do I know I can trust you with my meal?

Oh, we're very soft chewers. Listen to this.

[gasps]

I can't hear anything.

I feel really safe with you guys.

How do I know you're here for the right reasons?

Well, we both wanna eat food.

Mmm. Mmm.

Thank you for being so open with me.

[sobbing] It's just been really hard without my wife here.

Oh, God, what happened to her?

[voice breaking] She doesn't like French food.

-[sobbing] -You are so brave to be here.

It's what she would've wanted.

I know. She told me to come.

[Judy] Excuse me, sir?

Which way are you headed?

-Palmer. -[exclaims] Perfect. Can we hitch a ride?

We're heading to the Crab Leg Museum. It's... it's on your way.

Well, sure. Hop in the back.

But no kissing my milk bottles.

Okay.

One's my wife, and the others are my daughters,

so, like I said, hands off.

[chuckles] You got it, my good man.

Okay, enough messing around.

I need to get serious with my potential guests.

As the birthday girl, I will be taking a bite of everyone's meal.

So, tell me, what will you be ordering?

I'm ordering the croque monsieur.

And I'm ordering the croque madame.

A croque family. Beautiful.

I'll be ordering the French onion soup.

[chuckles] Of course, here they just call it onion soup,

but it's very authentic.

Okay, that's not the easiest dish to share.

You can eat all the cheese off the top.

Just save me that big,

-soggy piece of bread. -Deal.

What's your entree choice?

No entree. Only appetizers.

All appetizers.

[gasps] That's what I was going to order.

Feels like we're meant to be.

Wow, I really have people's lives in my hands.

I feel like I'm further along with father and son,

but my chemistry with the Michaelsons is undeniable.

Meanwhile, it's clear that the twins aren't here to make friends.

Who are you talking to?

Oh. I'm pretending there's a confessional camera.

Oh. Of course.

It's been beautiful to watch your journey to find dinner partners.

Well, I'm glad someone's enjoying this, 'cause I am stressed.

Ugh. Why can't he drive faster?

Okay, Judy, now, just between you, me, and this very tempting milk,

what are you actually doing with this weasel?

[groans] I'm bringing it to Ms. McNamara.

The guidance counselor?

-You hate her. -I do.

But she lost her pet weasel recently, so I got her a new one.

Okay. Wow, that's, uh, really thoughtful.

It's not thoughtful, Wolf.

It's a... it's a bribe, okay?

-A bribe? -Yes. [sighs]

She was supposed to give me

a recommendation for the Alps summer program,

but I bombed my interview with her

and she gave me a really bad one.

So, I thought if I got her this weasel,

maybe she would change her mind.

And the applications are due tomorrow at noon,

and this is my last chance.

Argh. Go ahead, judge me.

I'm not judging you for wanting to go to this program,

but I think if you bribe someone with a weasel to make it happen,

then maybe it wasn't meant to be.

See? You don't get it.

You don't get that I need to go to Europe

and, like... like, start my real life.

Well, hey, we went to New Fork today,

so it's basically like you already went to the French Alps.

Wolf, New Fork is a joke.

There are gondolas in the man-made canals.

Gondolas are Italian.

Well, yeah, it's not perfect,

but that's why it's fake France.

It's just a fun place to spend the day.

I didn't want to spend the day with you in fake France.

I want to spend my summer in real France,

and you're holding me back. Literally.

You can't understand what this means to me.

You got married at 21 and didn't ever get out of our hometown.

And your wife's birthday is like, I guess, the most exciting thing you have.

But that's not what I want for my life.

-Your life is so small. -[gasps]

-[gasps] -Wow. Okay.

Good to know that's what you think of me.

-Look, Wolf, I-- -You know what? I think I'm done here.

Hey, buddy, I'm kissing this milk. [kisses]

Whoa, I'm kissing a bunch of 'em. [kissing]

Hey! Get your hands off my wife!

-[tires screeching] -[Judy and Wolf grunt]

Ah. Ouch.

And yes, I do mean that about hitting my head,

and also because of what you said about me.

Get your own milk wife, you creep.

Yep, sorry. You have a lovely family.

Look, Wolf, I really--

Nope, no need to say anymore.

I'll leave you alone, since that's clearly what you want.

Let me just, uh... [grunts]

Wow, that was much easier than I thought it would be.

You know, Judy, maybe caring about your wife and family

more than anything in the world isn't enough for you,

but it's enough for me,

even if it makes my life "small."

So, I'm just gonna try to make it back in time,

'cause that's the... the right thing to do,

so... so I'm gonna do it.

Good luck getting your bribe weasel back.

Oh, I agree.

If Puss in Boots was a real person,

he would definitely be one of People's sexiest men alive.

They should let him be, even though he's a cat.

Okay, calm down, Melissa.

I'm sorry.

It's just this process has been so much harder than I thought it would be.

Don't worry. I get it.

I didn't think it would happen to me,

but I'm in love with multiple dinner partner options.

[clinking]

Honeybee, it's time.

-[doorbell rings] -[doorknob rattles]

Hey, Judy. What are you doing here?

I heard that your weasel died,

and so, I, um... just brought you a new one.

-[squealing] -Oh, wow. I, uh...

He's cute.

I've been so sad since Jeremiah died.

He was all I had.

He was my family to be honest.

I've been really lost without him.

Well, I'm glad you like him,

but if I'm being honest,

I actually ran around all day getting you this weasel... as a bribe.

Bribe? Really?

Yep. I wanted to bribe you to get a better recommendation for the Alps program,

and then I got real intense about it.

So intense, I ripped my brother a new one for no reason,

and that... that sucked of me.

And I realized that during a very long Uber ride here alone.

I mean, not alone, I had a weasel, but basically alone.

So, I'm gonna do what my brother would do.

I'm gonna just give you this weasel

from the bottom of my heart.

No strings attached.

Okay. Well, gosh, thank you.

He's totally gonna fit in Jeremiah's old tuxedo.

Oh. And I know I said no strings attached for the weasel,

but I am gonna steal your snow machine, but I'll bring it back.

-Okay. -[engine whirring]

-What an interesting interaction. -[squealing]

Ugh. Why are there so many wet business cards in here?

-[♪ tense music playing] -If we call your name,

please step forward and take this ceramic poodle-lying-down statue

as a symbol of accepting our two open seats.

Honeybee.

You all have so much to offer.

And this is way harder than it looks on The Bachelor,

The Bachelorette, The Golden Bachelor,

Bachelor in Paradise, and Bachelor in New York: Hey, I'm Datin' Here!

But the couple I've chosen is--

Wait. There's something you need to know.

-What is it, Lloyd? -The couple, the... the Michaelsons.

They've already eaten. The hostess told me.

[gasps] Is this true?

-Damn it! -Okay. Yes, we did eat,

but you have to understand...

-we're dying. -Both of you?

We have couples cancer. It's super bad.

Well, my son was murdered.

Sir, he is right there.

Bonjour and bonsoir, Honeybee.

Your birthday husband has returned.

Yay! You made it. Wait, where is Judy?

She's probably giving a weasel to a teacher

to get a ticket to ASS in the Alps right now.

Wait. Does that mean you just need one person now?

[gasps] Pick me. I'll kill my other triplet, I don't give a crap.

No, pick me. I'll kill her. I'll kill all of them.

I guess we still have one more spot,

so... you.

Yes! Wait for me in the car, Allen.

Now seating les Tobins,

party of six. Tobins.

-[doorknob rattles] -Wait. Wait.

-Judy! -Is your party... complete?

Not sure. Our party might be too "small" for her.

Wolf, look, I'm really sorry.

I shouldn't have said you have a small life because you don't.

I just... I was projecting 'cause lately I've felt

like I am a loser with a small life.

What are you talking about?

The brochure for the Alps thing,

it's full of pictures of kids who look like

they've already been to Europe a thousand times

and have names like Mason and Grunt.

And I've barely even been out of Alaska.

Hon, hon, hon.

Uh-oh, Judy, here comes the mime.

Eh, pardonnez-moi, monsieur.

No one here appreciates your artistry more than me, okay?

But I'm apologizing to my family so just back off.

The point is that I've been feeling inferior,

so I went a little nuts.

I'm so sorry.

Whether I get into that ASS or not,

I have a big life already

'cause of you guys.

Thanks, Jude. And the kids in that brochure have nothing on you.

They probably wouldn't know the first thing about buying a street weasel.

I'm glad you two made up, but we need to get moving.

The mime's almost hacked his way through your invisible door.

We're here. The Tobins are all here.

Sorry, Melissa. You're out.

[shouts] No!

-[♪ singing birthday song] -♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, Honeybee ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪

[♪ dance music version playing]

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, Honeybee ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪