Original subtitles

♪ Some walk by night ♪

♪ Some fly by day ♪

♪ Something is sweeter ♪

♪ 'Cause we met on the way ♪

♪ 'Cause we met on the way ♪

Once upon a time,

in a little town called La Placenta,

two fine, upright people...

we'll call them Fred and Sylvia...

had a baby.

Beautiful little girl.

Normal as hell.

Except for the fact that she was born with seven hearts.

Midwife said:

"So she's got a bunch of hearts.

Nothing wrong there."

But Fred and Sylvia were concerned.

In fact, they took her to seven different doctors

who gave them seven different opinions.

Not only that, they had to pay seven different bills.

Anyway...

they take her home,

keep her there,

maintain a low profile,

...and 32 years go by.

The little girl...

let's call her Hilda...

grows up to be straight...

tall...

pretty...

...and very much alone.

Due to the peculiarity of her internal-organ situation,

she's not terribly at ease

with those of the male persuasion.

Downright terrified.

Absolutely certain that no man could love her

with anywhere near the intensity of feeling

that she'd have with her seven hearts.

So...

she does the only thing she can do.

She marries a friend of her father's.

Pharmacist.

Widower. Man of means.

Tolerant of her condition.

But there's no passion.

No love.

No future.

And then one day...

a miracle happens.

Hilda finds herself alone...

with another man.

A stranger.

And she hears...

14 hearts beating.

And my name's Paul McCane.

This is the Heartbreak Hotline, 1040 on your radio.

We'll be holding down the fort from now until 6 a.m.

Give us a call at 555-HART.

That's 555-H-A-R-T.

Heartbreak Hotline, you're on the air.

Hello? You're on the air.

My name's Reedy.

I just called to say hello.

Hello, Reedy.

I love what you say.

Love your voice. That's it. That's all.

Take care, now. Thanks for calling.

Heartbreak Hotline, you're on the air.

- Is-- is this Paul McCane? - Sure is.

- What's your name, friend? - Rick.

Okay, Rick. I'm listening. What's troubling you?

I'm-- I'm kind of--

- This girl at work-- - What about her?

See, every time I try to talk to her,

I kind of-- Well, I break down.

I break out. I get a rash.

- Sounds serious. - I guess I'm basically with--

It's interesting, I'm-- I don't know what it is.

What do I do, Paul? I mean, I really like this girl.

She's so pretty. She's--

She's like milk.

You talk to her. You gotta talk to her.

But how can I talk to her with a river

running down the back of my shirt?

I can't breathe. I feel like I'm gonna die.

You're not gonna die.

- Is she really like milk? - She's amazing.

Then you gotta do it.

I mean... what if this girl at work

is the one that you've been waiting for?

Maybe she's your destiny. How are you gonna know?

You're right.

I'll do it. Thanks.

Thanks, Paul.

Heartbreak Hotline, you're on the air.

Hey, dude, play something by the Shirelles.

Heartbreak Hotline, you're on the air.

- Paul, it's Zelda. - Hello, Zelda.

- I'm upset. - Upset's okay.

Upset means you're alive, right?

No, I-- I'm worried something terrible is gonna happen

to the man I love.

Whatever's causing that feeling, don't you think--

Hey!

Hey, what are you doing in here, man?

Please! No!

- What do you think? - Ugh. I think it's sick and morbid.

Yeah, wild, isn't it? Everybody's talking about it.

Which is why it should be our next case.

- Excuse me? - Don't you love it

- Who's the client? - Excuse me?

Who's the client? Who's gonna hire us?

What's the difference? A murder is a murder is a murder.

We solve this with or without a client.

You're missing my point. Who's gonna pay us

- if and when we solve the murder? - You're missing my point.

- It doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter?

Doesn't matter. You see this? Know what that is?

- Tomorrow's trash. - The front page.

That's what that is. That's where we belong.

Lead stories. Banner headlines.

That's what we need-- Not now.

We find the guy who wasted this wimp and we are set.

David, listen to me. Try and hear what I'm saying.

I run a business. In order for the business to flourish,

there has to be more money coming in then there is going out.

The way we make money come in is by finding clients.

The client hires us. Signs a contract.

We perform and we get paid.

That last part is very important.

That keeps "xox" in the Xerox, ribbons in the typewriter.

And the wolf away from the door.

Madeline Hayes, where is your entrepreneurial spirit?

This case is a gold mine, an undiscovered continent.

Every old maid in the city, every lonely heart

with a radio listened to Paul McCane.

I didn't.

- You know what I mean. - Where are you going?

- Periodontist. - Forget him, this is bigger than gums.

I'm talking the big break here.

- Fate is knocking. - I don't hear a thing.

Trust me, Maddie, this case could be

the key to our future, our empire.

Think about Rockefeller, think about Ford,

think about Edison. You think old Thomas Alva

just laid back in his crib waiting for the lightbulb

to come on? Hell, no! He went out there,

strapped on his propeller cap and invented all kinds of things.

-Would you get out of my way, please? - What about Mr. Kleenex?

- Mr. Who? - Sure, Mr. Kleenex.

You think he waited around for somebody to say,

"Hey, man, got a tissue?" Hell, no.

He looked at his sleeve and said, "I have a better idea."

This it is, Maddie. This is our lightbulb.

- This is our tissue. - I don't need tissues.

I use handkerchiefs.

Good morning, Miss Hayes.

Some story about that radio guy getting shot, huh?

What can I say? It's on the tip of everyone's lips.

What a thing to happen, huh?

It's an opportunity, you know.

We got to think about this.

- Everyone's. - Why do I let you do this to me?

I see you coming, but I don't run.

I hear your voice, but I don't cover my ears. Why?

The truth? It's not your fault.

You can't help yourself. No one can.

- Me? I'm like a-- - A traffic accident.

Cancel Dr. Fishbein.

- Already did. - Already did?

Already did.

Is she great or what?

Whatever's causing that feeling, don't you think--

Hey!

Hey, what are you--

You know how the rest goes.

Should have played The Shirelles.

- Sorry. - There was a trail of blood

through here, out the door and down the steps in the parking lot.

Cops figure that somebody

loaded him into his car

or a couple of cars.

They also said that early this morning,

they had a report about a heap

that fit the description of Paul's

going through a barricade on Pacific Coast Highway,

doing a high dive into the ocean.

- Are you okay? - Huh? Her? She's in heaven.

- Heaven. - Heaven.

Why don't we finish the rest of this in my office?

David, David, David. All this blood and violence.

I know, I get giddy just thinking about it.

So, tell me. How does the Blue Moon girl get involved

in something as gruesome as this?

- Just lucky, I guess. - No, no. I wanna know.

- Who are you guys working for? - Working for?

- Working for. - Working for.

He wants to know who we're working for.

What for?

What for you wanna know who we're working for?

- Why not? - Why not?

- Why not what? - Why not what for

you wanna know who we're working for?

- What? - What? Talk to him.

I'm afraid that's privileged information. Client confidentiality.

- Of course. - Of course.

Of course.

So... what can Sonny Brezner tell you?

You can tell us who you think killed Paul McCane.

Got me. I'm just a station manager.

I didn't think the guy had an enemy in the world.

Also, I don't think he had a friend in the world.

- He was a very strange cat. - Strange, how?

Loved the dark. Did you ever listen to his show?

- Yeah. - No.

Well, I mean, the guy was good.

I mean...

...I kept going to him, pleading with him.

"Let me put you on days. Days is where the money is."

But he wouldn't hear of it. Here, let me show you something.

Look. Look at this.

Look at that mug. That's a good-looking guy, right? Huh?

TV people trying to throw a net over him for years.

But he wouldn't hear of it.

Only wanted to work nights, 2 to 6. Talk to the lonely.

Why do you think that was?

Because he wanted to keep his days free.

Why do you think that was?

- I'm not sure. - Take a guess.

See, a lot of married men work during the day.

A lot of married women don't.

- Oh. - Everybody needs a hobby.

Now, that is what I call a case.

Sex, violence, hit tunes.

If we crack this thing, they'll make a movie about it.

Mel Gibson will play my life.

I'll go on TV.

I'll talk to David Hartman. Barbara Walters.

Women from all over the country will send me letters,

make lewd suggestions.

Is this a wild country or what?

Heartbreak Hotline, you're on the air.

- We're not taking this case. - Get out of town.

- Paul McCane is a disgusting human being. - He's dead.

- Good. He got what he deserved. - You don't know that.

Given the amoral way he lived his life,

his violent death comes as no surprise to me.

You're mad he boinked a couple hausfraus?

I'm not having this conversation.

We're not taking this case.

- I'm gonna say something to you. - Be still, my heart.

- Judge not lest ye be judged. - Where did you get that?

I read it on a bumper sticker.

But I think it's pretty damn profound. It's a great case, Mad--

- It's a perverse case. - It's a great case-- Wait a second.

I don't wanna talk about it.

When we get back to the office, we're gonna dedicate ourselves

to finding another case, a real case.

The kind with a client with some morals, with a checkbook.

- Fine. Good. - Fine. Good.

- You're weird. - This is very meaningful.

Humpty Dumpty is calling me cracked.

No, no, no, no, no. You're-- you're repressed

or obsessed or one of those "S" words.

Every time something comes up that involves men or sex or--

Boinking? Is that the word you're looking for?

See what I mean? That's not normal.

I'm supposed to sit here to discuss my mental health

with a man who refers to the act

of human procreation as boinking?

See? See what I mean? Right away, you get all stiff and tense.

No, no, not right away. Not with everybody.

Not with anybody. Just you.

You make me stiff and tense.

I make you stiff and tense because

I'm the only the person in your life.

- Ha! - What? Are you denying it?

Are you saying there's someone else in your life?

Are you denying the fact that you're not in bed

alone every night by 9:30?

There are plenty of people in my life.

- Plenty. - Name one.

I will not.

- Because you can't, because there is no one.

Because you're repressed or obsessed or one of those "S" words.

That's why you're not gonna take this case, this great case.

- I'm not listening to you. - Because It makes you crazy

thinking anybody out there is boinking when you can't.

- I can't hear you. - It makes you crazy that the whole world

- is out boinking except you. - Not a single word.

- Shut up. - Boink. Boink, boink, boink.

Boink, boink, boink, boink, boink.

- Can't you hear that? - Stop it, David!

- Boink, boink, boink. - Get out of my car!

Boink, boink, boink, boink, boink...

Get out of my car!

Get out! Out! Out!

Was it something I said?

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I don't want to do this ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ 'Cause you wanna leave me on this way ♪

♪ Goin' mad ♪

♪ I'm trying hard to explain but why ♪

♪ 'Cause no one ever don't leave me now ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I'm trying hard to make you love me ♪

♪ But you never listen ♪

♪ Why ♪

♪ Baby ♪

I hate you, David Addison.

Evening. I'm Paul McCane,

and this is the Heartbreak Hotline.

It's three minutes after two in the a.m.

Tell me something. Is it the day?

Is it the moon? Or is it just me?

I've got the blues so bad.

I mean, am I the only one?

Or is everybody else out there wishing they could go

to a foreign country and hide under a bed?

No, it's not just you.

It's not just you.

So, what's wrong?

I don't know.

Nothing's wrong. Maybe that's what's wrong.

I'm 34 years old. Halfway home.

And all I have to show for my life is...

Well, not much.

You know, by the time my father was 34,

he had fled one country for another,

fought in a world war,

married a woman he'd stay married to

for the rest of his life,

and already brought three children into the world.

It may not be for you and me,

but it sure beats the hell out of worrying

whether there's an alligator or a polo player

on your pocket.

Sure does.

How did it happen?

I don't know. Things happen.

Times change. Rules change.

Don't ask me how. I don't know.

I wish I did.

I mean, what committee

decided to put the kibosh on love

and replace it with relationships?

I'm going to figure out that this relationship business

is one of the great con jobs of our time.

- You know what a relationship is? - What?

A relationship is when two people see a lot of each other

while they wait for something better to come along.

And then one day, you wake up,

realize you had a crack at some really great people,

but you were too busy worrying

about what you might be missing to notice.

Enough of that. Let's go to the phones.

555-H-A-R-T.

- I've come to swap apologies. - I've come to a decision.

I may have been a little rough on you yesterday in the car.

I may have been a little hasty in walking away...

You're uncomfortable about taking with this terrific case-

I think what I'd like to do is to continue

with the McCane investigation-- What?

- Excuse me? - Repeat what you just said.

No, you first.

The man on that tape is not the man

Sonny Brezner described to us yesterday in the radio station.

He's not? I knew that.

This man...

This man is a man of extraordinary depth and understanding.

He is? Of course he is.

Deep. You haven't even scratched the surface.

This guy was the Grand Canyon.

Anyway, if you're still interested

in this particular case...

Me, interested?

Well, all right, You win this time.

But I just want you to know, you owe me one.

Well, I thought we could begin with where McCane lives.

See if that doesn't take us somewhere.

Did you come in here to tell me something?

Me? You? No.

Nothing on my mind except you.

And this luxuriously thick head of hair.

Maddie?

Mission control to Madeline Hayes.

Earth to Maddie.

- Excuse me. - You're excused.

Only in the future, please don't leave without taking your body with you.

So this is where he lived.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is where Paul McCane,

late of the Heartbreak Hotline,

currently residing 20,000 leagues under the sea,

hung his hat and defiled his dames.

Was it something I said? Was it something you took?

Shouldn't we get the manager or somebody to open the door for us?

- Did you bring your search warrant? - No.

Forgot mine, too.

Looks like a job for Mr. Stickpin.

- Mr. Stickpin? - Yes, friends, it's the amazing

Ronco's Mr. Stickpin.

You can stick with it. You can prick with it.

You can leave it on your teacher's chair and play a dirty trick with it.

It's guaranteed not to rust, bust, break, bend, and will cut a cow in half.

- I've always been curious about this. - Nothing to it.

You stick the stickpin in.

You pull the stickpin out.

You stick the stickpin in.

♪ And you shake it all about ♪

♪ You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself about ♪

♪ That's what it's all about ♪

Talk about a guy having everything to live for.

I think our late friend must have had a very generous sugar mama.

These are not the digs of a man who works 2 to 6 in the morning.

David.

Closet.

It's okay, Laura. I'm here with you.

It's okay, come on.

- Laura. - Sonny!

David!

Hey, Sonny! Talk about small world.

- You come to this closet too? - Hello.

Sonny, who are these people?

What are they doing here?

These people are investigators.

They're investigating Paul's death.

I'm Madeline Hayes and this is David Addison.

Investigators? For who? For Arthur?

- Arthur? - We don't know any Arthur.

No, we were just hanging around trying on shoes.

You tell my husband to stop following me.

I'll get lawyers. I'll get an injunction.

We don't know Arthur and we don't know you.

The only thing we know is that Paul McCane used to

live here and he's dead now.

We know your name is Laura because we heard Sonny

call you that when you came in.

We know you must've been very near and dear

to the recently departed Mr. McCane

because there are pictures of you all over this hacienda.

And I guess we also know that you and your husband

do not have a marriage based on mutual trust,

because you pointing that thing at us

like you think we're the bad guys,

which we are not.

Well, then who are you working for?

- Working for? - Working for.

She wants to know who we're working for.

That's privileged information.

- Client confidentiality. - Oh, of course.

- Of course. - Of course.

Of course.

Well, then what are you doing here?

Trying to figure out who killed Paul McCane.

It doesn't make sense, such a brutal murder.

Is there something you know? Something you could tell us?

I don't think so.

I'm married to a very powerful man, Ms. Hayes.

My husband is Arthur Boyd. He owns KRKD.

He owns a lot of radio stations.

He owns a lot of things.

He owns a lot of people. He owns me.

He owned Paul.

What are you talking about? Nobody owns anyone.

You were a model once, weren't you?

- Yes. - Made a lot of money?

I like money, Miss Hayes.

I know myself well enough to know I'd have a difficult time living without it.

Paul wasn't rich, so I had Arthur.

Arthur wasn't loving, so I had Paul.

I like money, so Arthur has me.

An old-fashioned girl. My favorite kind.

You said you thought your husband was having you followed.

Do you think he knew about you and Paul?

Like I said, my husband

is very rich and very scary.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Mrs. Boyd...

I just wanted to know...

I guess I was sort of a fan.

He was a wonderful man.

A terrific man.

I loved him very much.

The truth?

He wasn't quite as good to be with as he was to listen to.

He was just wonderful on the radio.

Is that a terrible thing to say?

Seems like McCane's boss Mr. Boyd is a good suspect.

Has the means, has the motive.

Maybe we ought to pay him a visit.

Why is that the people who have someone

always want someone else,

and the people who have no one just get left?

- Come again? - Nothing. I was-- Never mind.

Don't "never mind" me, I wanna understand this.

There's nothing to understand. I was just thinking out loud.

You're hung up on Paul McCane, aren't you?

- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about you and that scene

from a Bette Davis movie you just played in that apartment up there.

I'm talking about the way you've been acting.

How do you think I've been acting?

Like you're in eighth grade

and Paul McCane just passed you a note.

What is with you and Paul McCane?

Nothing. Nothing is with me and Paul McCane.

You're being ridiculous. It's just a fascinating case.

He's a fascinating man, that's all,

He was a fascinating man.

He is a smorgasbord at some guppy's bar mitzvah.

Then there's no reason for you to feel threatened.

- I don't feel threatened. - You sound threatened.

I'm not threatened. I'm concerned, that's all.

My business partner is beginning to show signs

of affection for a deceased man.

- These things concern me, Maddie. - You sound jealous.

Jealous? Jealous of what? Of who?

- Paul McCane. - Paul McCane is dead.

Doesn't seem to be stopping you.

I am not jealous of a dead man.

- If you say so. - Hey, lady, look.

You know, for me to be jealous, he'd have to have something I want,

which he doesn't.

- Look, if I said something to upset you-- - You couldn't.

Okay, I'll give you an example.

One of the ways we connect with another person

is we find mutual interests.

We find common ground.

You're not getting me, Paul.

I don't even know her name.

Besides, I think there's someone else.

You're not getting me. You don't need to know her name.

It doesn't matter if there's someone else.

Go by her desk at work. She's got stuff on her desk?

- I don't know. - Sure, she does.

She's got a cat calendar,

or pictures from her trip to Europe,

an autographed baseball.

Stick the stickpin in. Pull the stickpin out.

You stick the stickpin in and you shake it all about.

You do the Hoochie Coochie and you turn yourself around.

Okay.

Hello?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

- Ahh! You're alive! I don't understand.

Why couldn't you just leave it alone, huh?

I don't understand. You're alive!

♪ What you want ♪

♪ Baby, I got it ♪

♪ What you need ♪

♪ You know I got it ♪

♪ All I'm asking ♪

♪ Is for a little respect when you come home ♪

- ♪ Just a little bit ♪ - ♪ Hey, baby ♪

- ♪ Just a little bit ♪ - ♪ When you come home ♪

- ♪ Just a little bit ♪ - ♪ Mister ♪

- ♪ Just a little bit ♪ - ♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♪

♪ Find out what it means to me ♪

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♪

♪ Take care, TCB ♪

♪ Whoa, baby-- ♪

- Where'd the band go? - Hello.

You have your arm around me.

Does that mean we're going steady?

Doesn't that you're picking up the check?

Hey, don't take this the wrong way,

but you remind of a Pontiac I used to own.

- What's that? - Coffee.

What for? I didn't order a doughnut.

Hey, these are the jokes, folks. Is this thing on?

Tough room, huh?

Relax, guys, I'm fine.

I'm just gonna go make a phone call.

Later. Can I have your baby?

No, of course I can't. That's a trick question.

Bring me two of anything in the tequila family.

Hi, this is Maddie Hayes.

I can't come to the phone right now, but if--

If the prettiest girl lived across the sea,

oh, what a good swimmer Paul would be

It's a kid's rhyme.

It's kind of apt.

You're looking at a fellow who's coming up

for his last gasp, Maddie.

Killing yourself must seem like a terribly dramatic way

to solve a problem, huh?

It's just...

If someone is your destiny...

Laura Boyd?

When Laura and I realized we loved each other...

it seemed hopeless.

Arthur wasn't about to give her a divorce.

And you don't tell a woman like Laura to...

do without.

It wasn't an easy decision to make,

but it seemed like the only way.

Arthur was beginning to suspect something.

He would have had me killed, you know.

If he were sure.

But...

you can't suspect your wife of loving a dead man, right?

I know what I'm doing, Maddie.

I realize that I'm giving up all my life,

everything...

to be there for one woman all the time.

That she...

will be my life.

But then women have been doing that for men for years, right?

Can you believe she's still not home?

- Speaking of home... - She thinks I'm weird.

Kinky, unfeeling.

I'm not, you know.

And deep down inside, I'm an old-fashioned guy.

I mean, like I'll give you a good example.

Last week I was in this bar, and, like, four chicks

started hitting on me at once, and I said:

"Girls, we got a problem here.

I'm an old-fashioned guy.

One of you girls is gonna have to leave."

When I snuck in this afternoon to pick up a few things,

I was exhausted.

I spent the last 24 hours reading and listening to

accounts of my death.

Let me tell you, that'll knock the wind out of your sails.

Anyway, I...

I laid down for just a second.

The next thing I knew, it was night. Dark.

Then I heard the noise. Why did you come?

What were you looking for?

What were you hoping to find?

On the radio, you sounded like you had all the answers.

And now?

I don't know.

The rain stopped.

I'd better be going.

Maddie.

About what I told you...

About what who told who?

We've never met. We've never spoken.

You're a dead man, Mr. McCane.

You know what I think?

I think she's hung up on this other guy.

That's what I think.

Not that I care. I don't care.

Just hurt, that's all.

I mean, I think if she's gonna go for somebody,

she should go for me, that's all.

Not that she has to go for me. I don't--

I don't care about that.

Okay. All right, all right. I'm insecure. There.

I admit it. It's out, all right?

It's normal, right?

Did I happen to mention this other guy's dead?

Sure has calmed down in here.

Well, I guess I had my limit.

You and me have to get together and do this again sometime, Stinky.

We think alike.

Hey, Stinky. You missed a spot over here.

- Ohh! - My God!

- They dropped the bomb. - David.

What are you doing here? Why are you on my door?

Cab driver kept trying to put me in a chair

and I kept sliding out.

It's really not that bad up here. I keep waiting

for the Cowardly Lion and Tin Man to come along.

David, David, David, you look awful.

Don't you "David, David, David" me, you wanton woman.

- Wanton what? - Wanton woman.

That's what I called you 'cause that's what you are.

A wanton woman. A woman who's wanton.

Don't deny it. I know what I'm talking about.

I called your house every 15 minutes last night.

- You did? - Yes, I did.

- That is so sweet. - Get your mitts off me

- you scarlet pimpernel. - Scarlet what?

I guess I have to bear a lot of the guilt for this.

I'm the guy that drove you to it.

Working with me side by side, day in, day out, it's bound

a weak-willed woman like yourself a little crazy.

- David. - We're both mature adults here.

I understand the problem, and I'm willing to help solve it.

- David. - I mean, we can't very well

have you out there on the streets of Los Angeles

filled with these primal urges, embarrassing yourself

- and the agency, now can we? - David, stop.

- Stop now while there's still time. - No, of course, which is why,

and I've given this a lot of thought,

I would be more than happy

to accommodate any urges, passions or desires

you may be filled with and find yourself unable to relieve.

You understand the offer I'm making you?

I happen to think it's damn nice of me.

The trick is not to make a pig of yourself.

- Think carefully about what you want--

Ow!

For the company and the safety of your life,

we'll gonna forget that the last three minutes ever happened.

Nod yes if you understand.

For your information, I spent last evening with--

- With who? - I swore I wouldn't tell.

- Come on. Your secret's safe with me. - I said I couldn't tell.

- Come on. Give me a hint. - And I'm not telling.

- Rhymes with... "Joe"? - No!

- Addison. - Madison?

- Please. - Louise?

All right, all right, if you must know,

I spent last evening with Paul McCane.

Remember the dead disc jockey, Paul McCane?

You need my help more than I realized.

Well, it turns out that he is very much alive.

- Alive? - Alive. He feigned his death

so he could continue seeing Laura Boyd,

whose husband was starting to suspect something.

- Alive? - Alive, which means...

there was no murder, which means that there was no case,

Which means that because of you

and your tissues and lightbulbs,

this agency has wasted two days on nothing!

Paul McCane's alive? I'll kill him.

Blue Moon.

- Maddie Hayes, yeah. - Maddie Hayes.

- Oh, hello, Paul. - Give me that.

McCane, you got a lot of nerve being alive.

What?

Can I come by?

I need your help.

Laura's husband, Arthur Boyd?

I just found him murdered.

Shot to death.

It's for you.

I did not kill Arthur Boyd.

I know that right this second,

I must look like a terrific suspect,

but I swear to you...

I didn't kill that man.

I believe you.

Is this kid a great audience or what?

I'm not a killer.

I'm a storyteller, I'm an illusionist.

And also a coward. Cowards don't kill people.

So I disappeared.

I disappeared better than anybody in the history of radio.

Orson Welles couldn't have done any better.

I didn't kill anyone.

Couldn't kill anyone.

God, look at me. My hands are shaking.

Just tell us what happened, Paul.

Laura and I have a place.

A place for me to live.

A place for her to be with me.

But she thought it was too soon.

Someone might see, put two and two together.

So we decided not to be with each other for three weeks.

Let everything die down.

But I couldn't do it. I had to see her.

So after you left this morning,

Laura and I worked it out.

There's an office at the radio station.

It's Arthur's office, actually, but he's never there, he never uses it.

It's big, roomy.

So I snuck up the fire escape.

I pulled open the window.

And, I mean, I got one leg in the room,

and I see him.

He's just sitting behind the desk

and he's staring at me.

I figured, "This is it.

The old guy knows. He's gonna pull out a gun.

I'm gonna fall from the fifth floor and die in a back alley,

and no one will know, because, hell, I just died

two days before, right?"

I mean, I'm frozen there.

Just waiting.

And then I see it.

He isn't moving.

He isn't breathing. He isn't blinking.

And I see the hole in the center of his forehead.

I'll bet that killed the mood.

I'm an inch away from being found.

As soon as it gets out that I'm alive, I'm as good as gone.

I wanna hire you two...

- to prove I'm innocent. - Hire us?

I don't know where else to go.

Did you hear what he said? He wants to hire us.

A real client with a real case.

Excuse us.

Maddie, Maddie, we don't know this guy didn't kill Arthur Boyd.

We do know that as soon as the world finds out he's got a pulse

he's gonna make one hell of a suspect, and that makes us accessories.

Accessories to murder, unless we pick up the phone right now and call the police.

- Accessories? - Accessories. Batteries not included.

- Action figure sold separately. - I'll pay whatever your going rate is.

Accessories go to prison, Maddie. Prison.

Good looking guy like me behind bars?

- I don't even know how to dance. - I'll double it.

I can learn.

Someone followed me here.

It's barely 8:00. We're not even open yet.

I gotta get out. You got a back door?

David, show Paul the back door and I'll see who it is.

W-- wait a second. I need to know.

Are you gonna take my case?

Let me remind you how bad you look in stripes.

Of course we'll take your case.

We need to talk some more.

Uh, meet me tonight at the radio station at eight.

Thank you.

I took a chance. Hoped someone would be in.

- Mrs. Boyd? - I just found my husband, Arthur, dead.

- Shot through the head. - That seems to be going around.

I want to hire the two of you to find the killer.

We've got to start opening earlier.

We're missing a lot of early bird business.

I want you to prove I didn't do it.

Our specialty. See? What did I tell you?

This turned out to be a gold mine.

That's when I saw the bullet hole

in the center of his forehead.

It's turning out to be one of the more popular

- local attractions. - I'm scared.

My affair with Paul is bound to come out,

and when it does, everyone is going to see

that I had most to gain from Arthur's death.

- I didn't kill him. - I swear it.

- Someone followed me here. - That must be Arthur.

I bet he wants to hire us to find out who did kill him.

Have you seen our back door?

Very popular with our innocent clients.

What are you doing around 8:00 tonight?

Maddie and I are thinking of having a little powwow

down at the radio station.

Love to have you join us.

Good morning, Mr. Brezner.

I'm sorry I knocked. I know you're not open yet.

I was following Laura Boyd.

- Following Laura Boyd? - It's a long story.

- Is she here? - Just stepped out the back door.

Part of our policy.

Ten minutes with each client. No more, no less.

We've become a volume business, you know.

- What can we do for you, Sonny? - Well, this is rather dif--

Wait! I'll tell you. You were just over

at the station, and you happened to notice

that Arthur Boyd's got an extra orifice

- where his forehead used to be. - Laura told you.

And now you want us to help prove you didn't do it.

Why would I want to do that? Of course I didn't do it.

Think carefully.

We're running a special on this particular case.

But I do wanna hire you

to prove Laura is innocent.

All right! Is the kid a natural born salesman or what?

Relax, Willy Loman. You want us to prove Laura is innocent?

I was working at the station this morning.

I saw Laura walk into Arthur's office.

It aroused my curiosity. No one walks into Arthur's office.

Two minutes later, she walked out.

When she was out of sight, I went over, I knocked on the door.

Maybe the old man was in. Stranger things happen.

He was in, all right.

Sounds like you think she did it.

No, no, back up.

I said, it looks like she did it.

Laura's no killer.

She's...

She's a very special lady.

You heard her. And she was married

to a very powerful, very scary guy.

Jury? Jury wouldn't understand about Laura and Arthur.

It was... an ugly marriage.

You know what a jury's gonna think?

A jury' gonna think that Arthur had McCane killed

and she had Arthur killed.

I want you two to help her.

I want you to get her out of this.

That's a highly unusual request.

But we're a highly unusual agency.

Got any plans for tonight? Feel like a skull session,

pardon the expression, at the radio station?

I'm thinking, uh, eight-ish? Thanks.

Now that all these people meeting us

at the radio station, what do we gonna do?

We're gonna do what they're paying us to do.

- We're gonna prove they didn't do it. - And how are we gonna do that?

- By telling them who did do it. - And how are we gonna do that?

Come on. It's obvious who did it, isn't it?

- You think so too, huh? - Plain as the face on my nose.

It's nice to hear that.

It's nice to know you have the same feeling.

Guess that's why we make such a good team.

One of the many reasons.

Yeah, as soon as I got a look at that wimp.

- All that stuff about Orson Bean-- - Wait a minute.

- You think Paul did it? - Who else?

- Who else? I don't believe this. - Believe it. Who else?

- Well, for starters, how about Vampira? - Vamp-who?

- Black Widow Boyd. - You think Laura killed her own husband?

You don't? Addison, it's obvious.

It's not really obvious to me.

That's because you think with your zipper.

Laura Boyd is a woman who married solely for money.

Cheated on her husband, had him killed, and then set up

her own lover to take the blame.

You're still hung up on this guy, aren't you?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you, and about how you're laying all this stuff on Laura Boyd.

About how your feelings for this mouse--

I don't have feelings and he's not a mouse.

Open your eyes.

Paul McCane killed himself in the eyes of the world

so he could kill Arthur Boyd

so he could live off his money with Boyd's widow.

- You'd love if that were true. - If?

- Open your eyes, Addison.

I'm telling you what any impartial person...

- I'm impartial. - ...any person not blinded by jealousy...

I'm not blinded with jealousy.

I'm not jealous of Paul McCane.

No, you just want to see him go to the chair.

Paul McCane is not a killer.

Laura Boyd is not a killer.

- Yes, she is. - No, she's not.

- Yes, she is. Yes, she is. - No, she's not.

- I'm telling you, it's him. - I'm telling you, it's her.

- It's him. - It's her.

- It's him. - You're wrong.

- I'm right. - You're wrong.

- I'm right. I'm right. - You're wrong!

- You are not. - I am too.

- You are not. You are not. - I am too. I am too.

- Paul. Paul. - Laura. Laura.

Paul.

- Laura. Laura. - Paul. Paul.

- Paul. - Ahh! Maddie.

- David. - Nice to see you both again.

Laura and I have just been comparing notes.

It says a lot that we would both come to see you.

Have you come up with anything?

- Well, it occurs to us that the way

to prove who didn't do it is to figure out who did.

And?

Well, we both have very strong opinions

as to who killed your husband.

- Very strong, very different opinions. - Yes?

Addison, why don't you start us out?

No, that's quite all right, Ms. Hayes. Why don't you begin?

- David. - Maddie.

- You first, Addison. - Ladies first, lady.

- You. No! - You. Do it.

- You, Addison. You first. - You do it first. Do it.

No! You first, Addison.

Would you like us to leave the room for a minute?

All right, look, here it is.

It's not gonna be pretty.

There's only one person who could've had a motive for killing your husband.

- You're right so far. - One person who could have possibly hoped

- to get away with this crime. - My thoughts exactly.

Only one person sneaky enough,

dishonest enough, unfeeling enough.

- Who? - Who?

- Paul. - Laura.

- Laura? - Paul?

- Paul. - Sonny.

Paul, you're alive.

No... no, no, no, no, I...

I didn't kill old man Boyd so you could have her.

Sonny, don't!

He was my second choice.

Laura! Stay down!

Sonny!

- Stay down, Laura! - Ow!

Maddie! Bite his other leg!

Ow! Unh!

- I told you to bite, not eat. - I'm so sorry.

From the bottom up, all you men look the same to me.

David, what are we gonna do?

That's six bullets.

Guy carries extra bullets. I hate that!

- Guess we lost him. - Guess so.

Unh!

Ohh!

Oh, Sonny.

- Front page. - Front page.

- Just like you promised. - Just like I promised.

Poor Laura Boyd.

I wonder what it's like being a woman men die for.

Ah!

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

It's hard to make plans.

Dates keep getting sick, kicking off, not showing up.

You wanna do something tonight?

Get something to eat or something maybe?

Addison, we've been over this before.

You know I have to be at home alone in bed by 9:30.

Ah, come on. It's not a school night.

There's all kinds of great things going on out there.

Can't you hear them?

- Hear them? - Sure.