All language subtitles for Moonlighting.(1985).S01E04.The.Next.Murder.You.Hear.Multi.VFF.1080p.WEB-DL.EAC3.H264-KingMickey

♪ Some walk by night ♪

♪ Some fly by day ♪

♪ Something is sweeter ♪

♪ 'Cause we met on the way ♪

♪ 'Cause we met
on the way ♪

Once upon a time,

in a little town
called La Placenta,

two fine,
upright people...

we'll call them
Fred and Sylvia...

had a baby.

Beautiful little girl.

Normal as hell.

Except for the fact that she
was born with seven hearts.

Midwife said:

"So she's got
a bunch of hearts.

Nothing wrong there."

But Fred and Sylvia
were concerned.

In fact, they took her
to seven different doctors

who gave them
seven different opinions.

Not only that, they had
to pay seven different bills.

Anyway...

they take her home,

keep her there,

maintain a low profile,

...and 32 years go by.

The little girl...

let's call her Hilda...

grows up to be straight...

tall...

pretty...

...and very much alone.

Due to the peculiarity of
her internal-organ situation,

she's not terribly at ease

with those
of the male persuasion.

Downright terrified.

Absolutely certain that
no man could love her

with anywhere
near the intensity of feeling

that she'd have
with her seven hearts.

So...

she does the only thing
she can do.

She marries a friend
of her father's.

Pharmacist.

Widower. Man of means.

Tolerant of her condition.

But there's no passion.

No love.

No future.

And then one day...

a miracle happens.

Hilda finds herself alone...

with another man.

A stranger.

And she hears...

14 hearts beating.

And my name's Paul McCane.

This is the Heartbreak
Hotline, 1040 on your radio.

We'll be holding down
the fort from now until 6 a.m.

Give us a call
at 555-HART.

That's 555-H-A-R-T.

Heartbreak Hotline,
you're on the air.

Hello?
You're on the air.

My name's Reedy.

I just called
to say hello.

Hello, Reedy.

I love
what you say.

Love your voice.
That's it. That's all.

Take care, now.
Thanks for calling.

Heartbreak Hotline,
you're on the air.

- Is-- is this Paul McCane?
- Sure is.

- What's your name, friend?
- Rick.

Okay, Rick. I'm listening.
What's troubling you?

I'm-- I'm kind of--

- This girl at work--
- What about her?

See, every time I try
to talk to her,

I kind of--
Well, I break down.

I break out.
I get a rash.

- Sounds serious.
- I guess I'm basically with--

It's interesting, I'm--
I don't know what it is.

What do I do, Paul?
I mean, I really like this girl.

She's so pretty.
She's--

She's like milk.

You talk to her.
You gotta talk to her.

But how can I talk
to her with a river

running down
the back of my shirt?

I can't breathe.
I feel like I'm gonna die.

You're not gonna die.

- Is she really like milk?
- She's amazing.

Then you gotta do it.

I mean...
what if this girl at work

is the one that you've
been waiting for?

Maybe she's your destiny.
How are you gonna know?

You're right.

I'll do it.
Thanks.

Thanks, Paul.

Heartbreak Hotline,
you're on the air.

Hey, dude, play
something by the Shirelles.

Heartbreak Hotline,
you're on the air.

- Paul, it's Zelda.
- Hello, Zelda.

- I'm upset.
- Upset's okay.

Upset means
you're alive, right?

No, I-- I'm worried something
terrible is gonna happen

to the man I love.

Whatever's causing
that feeling, don't you think--

Hey!

Hey, what are you
doing in here, man?

Please! No!

- What do you think?
- Ugh. I think it's sick and morbid.

Yeah, wild, isn't it?
Everybody's talking about it.

Which is why it should
be our next case.

- Excuse me?
- Don't you love it

- Who's the client?
- Excuse me?

Who's the client?
Who's gonna hire us?

What's the difference?
A murder is a murder is a murder.

We solve this
with or without a client.

You're missing my point.
Who's gonna pay us

- if and when we solve the murder?
- You're missing my point.

- It doesn't matter.
- It doesn't matter?

Doesn't matter. You see this?
Know what that is?

- Tomorrow's trash.
- The front page.

That's what that is.
That's where we belong.

Lead stories.
Banner headlines.

That's what we need--
Not now.

We find the guy who wasted
this wimp and we are set.

David, listen to me.
Try and hear what I'm saying.

I run a business.
In order for the business to flourish,

there has to be more money
coming in then there is going out.

The way we make money
come in is by finding clients.

The client hires us.
Signs a contract.

We perform and we get paid.

That last part
is very important.

That keeps "xox" in the Xerox,
ribbons in the typewriter.

And the wolf
away from the door.

Madeline Hayes, where is
your entrepreneurial spirit?

This case is a gold mine,
an undiscovered continent.

Every old maid in the city,
every lonely heart

with a radio listened
to Paul McCane.

I didn't.

- You know what I mean.
- Where are you going?

- Periodontist.
- Forget him, this is bigger than gums.

I'm talking
the big break here.

- Fate is knocking.
- I don't hear a thing.

Trust me, Maddie,
this case could be

the key to our future,
our empire.

Think about Rockefeller,
think about Ford,

think about Edison.
You think old Thomas Alva

just laid back in his crib
waiting for the lightbulb

to come on? Hell, no!
He went out there,

strapped on his propeller cap
and invented all kinds of things.

-Would you get out of my way, please?
- What about Mr. Kleenex?

- Mr. Who?
- Sure, Mr. Kleenex.

You think he waited around
for somebody to say,

"Hey, man, got a tissue?"
Hell, no.

He looked at his sleeve and said,
"I have a better idea."

This it is, Maddie.
This is our lightbulb.

- This is our tissue.
- I don't need tissues.

I use handkerchiefs.

Good morning, Miss Hayes.

Some story about that
radio guy getting shot, huh?

What can I say?
It's on the tip of everyone's lips.

What a thing to happen, huh?

It's an opportunity,
you know.

We got to think
about this.

- Everyone's.
- Why do I let you do this to me?

I see you coming,
but I don't run.

I hear your voice, but I
don't cover my ears. Why?

The truth?
It's not your fault.

You can't help yourself.
No one can.

- Me? I'm like a--
- A traffic accident.

Cancel Dr. Fishbein.

- Already did.
- Already did?

Already did.

Is she great or what?

Whatever's causing
that feeling, don't you think--

Hey!

Hey, what are you--

You know how the rest goes.

Should have played
The Shirelles.

- Sorry.
- There was a trail of blood

through here, out the door and
down the steps in the parking lot.

Cops figure that somebody

loaded him into his car

or a couple of cars.

They also said that
early this morning,

they had a report
about a heap

that fit
the description of Paul's

going through a barricade
on Pacific Coast Highway,

doing a high dive
into the ocean.

- Are you okay?
- Huh? Her? She's in heaven.

- Heaven.
- Heaven.

Why don't we finish
the rest of this in my office?

David, David, David.
All this blood and violence.

I know, I get giddy
just thinking about it.

So, tell me. How does
the Blue Moon girl get involved

in something
as gruesome as this?

- Just lucky, I guess.
- No, no. I wanna know.

- Who are you guys working for?
- Working for?

- Working for.
- Working for.

He wants to know
who we're working for.

What for?

What for you wanna
know who we're working for?

- Why not?
- Why not?

- Why not what?
- Why not what for

you wanna know
who we're working for?

- What?
- What? Talk to him.

I'm afraid that's privileged information.
Client confidentiality.

- Of course.
- Of course.

Of course.

So... what can
Sonny Brezner tell you?

You can tell us who you think
killed Paul McCane.

Got me.
I'm just a station manager.

I didn't think the guy had
an enemy in the world.

Also, I don't think he had
a friend in the world.

- He was a very strange cat.
- Strange, how?

Loved the dark.
Did you ever listen to his show?

- Yeah.
- No.

Well, I mean,
the guy was good.

I mean...

...I kept going to him,
pleading with him.

"Let me put you on days.
Days is where the money is."

But he wouldn't hear of it.
Here, let me show you something.

Look. Look at this.

Look at that mug.
That's a good-looking guy, right? Huh?

TV people trying to throw
a net over him for years.

But he wouldn't hear of it.

Only wanted to work nights, 2 to 6.
Talk to the lonely.

Why do you think that was?

Because he wanted
to keep his days free.

Why do you think that was?

- I'm not sure.
- Take a guess.

See, a lot of married men
work during the day.

A lot of married women don't.

- Oh.
- Everybody needs a hobby.

Now, that is
what I call a case.

Sex, violence, hit tunes.

If we crack this thing,
they'll make a movie about it.

Mel Gibson will play my life.

I'll go on TV.

I'll talk to David Hartman.
Barbara Walters.

Women from all over the country
will send me letters,

make lewd suggestions.

Is this a wild country
or what?

Heartbreak Hotline,
you're on the air.

- We're not taking this case.
- Get out of town.

- Paul McCane is a disgusting human being.
- He's dead.

- Good. He got what he deserved.
- You don't know that.

Given the amoral way
he lived his life,

his violent death
comes as no surprise to me.

You're mad he boinked
a couple hausfraus?

I'm not having
this conversation.

We're not taking this case.

- I'm gonna say something to you.
- Be still, my heart.

- Judge not lest ye be judged.
- Where did you get that?

I read it on a bumper sticker.

But I think it's pretty damn profound.
It's a great case, Mad--

- It's a perverse case.
- It's a great case-- Wait a second.

I don't wanna talk about it.

When we get back to the office,
we're gonna dedicate ourselves

to finding another case,
a real case.

The kind with a client with some morals,
with a checkbook.

- Fine. Good.
- Fine. Good.

- You're weird.
- This is very meaningful.

Humpty Dumpty
is calling me cracked.

No, no, no, no, no.
You're-- you're repressed

or obsessed or one of
those "S" words.

Every time something comes
up that involves men or sex or--

Boinking?
Is that the word you're looking for?

See what I mean?
That's not normal.

I'm supposed to sit here
to discuss my mental health

with a man who refers
to the act

of human procreation
as boinking?

See? See what I mean?
Right away, you get all stiff and tense.

No, no, not right away.
Not with everybody.

Not with anybody.
Just you.

You make me stiff and tense.

I make you
stiff and tense because

I'm the only the person
in your life.

- Ha!
- What? Are you denying it?

Are you saying there's
someone else in your life?

Are you denying the fact
that you're not in bed

alone every night by 9:30?

There are plenty
of people in my life.

- Plenty.
- Name one.

I will not.

- Because you can't,
because there is no one.

Because you're repressed or
obsessed or one of those "S" words.

That's why you're not gonna
take this case, this great case.

- I'm not listening to you.
- Because It makes you crazy

thinking anybody out there
is boinking when you can't.

- I can't hear you.
- It makes you crazy that the whole world

- is out boinking except you.
- Not a single word.

- Shut up.
- Boink. Boink, boink, boink.

Boink, boink, boink,
boink, boink.

- Can't you hear that?
- Stop it, David!

- Boink, boink, boink.
- Get out of my car!

Boink, boink,
boink, boink, boink...

Get out of my car!

Get out! Out! Out!

Was it something I said?

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I don't want to do this ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ 'Cause you wanna leave me
on this way ♪

♪ Goin' mad ♪

♪ I'm trying hard to explain
but why ♪

♪ 'Cause no one ever don't
leave me now ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I'm trying hard
to make you love me ♪

♪ But you never listen ♪

♪ Why ♪

♪ Baby ♪

I hate you, David Addison.

Evening. I'm Paul McCane,

and this is
the Heartbreak Hotline.

It's three minutes
after two in the a.m.

Tell me something.
Is it the day?

Is it the moon?
Or is it just me?

I've got the blues so bad.

I mean, am I the only one?

Or is everybody else out there
wishing they could go

to a foreign country
and hide under a bed?

No, it's not just you.

It's not just you.

So, what's wrong?

I don't know.

Nothing's wrong.
Maybe that's what's wrong.

I'm 34 years old.
Halfway home.

And all I have to show
for my life is...

Well, not much.

You know, by the time
my father was 34,

he had fled
one country for another,

fought in a world war,

married a woman
he'd stay married to

for the rest of his life,

and already brought three
children into the world.

It may not be
for you and me,

but it sure beats the hell
out of worrying

whether there's an alligator
or a polo player

on your pocket.

Sure does.

How did it happen?

I don't know.
Things happen.

Times change.
Rules change.

Don't ask me how.
I don't know.

I wish I did.

I mean, what committee

decided to put
the kibosh on love

and replace it
with relationships?

I'm going to figure out that
this relationship business

is one of the great
con jobs of our time.

- You know what a relationship is?
- What?

A relationship is when two
people see a lot of each other

while they wait for something
better to come along.

And then one day,
you wake up,

realize you had a crack
at some really great people,

but you were
too busy worrying

about what you might
be missing to notice.

Enough of that.
Let's go to the phones.

555-H-A-R-T.

- I've come to swap apologies.
- I've come to a decision.

I may have been a little rough
on you yesterday in the car.

I may have been a little
hasty in walking away...

You're uncomfortable about
taking with this terrific case-

I think what I'd like
to do is to continue

with the McCane investigation--
What?

- Excuse me?
- Repeat what you just said.

No, you first.

The man on that tape
is not the man

Sonny Brezner described to us
yesterday in the radio station.

He's not?
I knew that.

This man...

This man is a man of extraordinary
depth and understanding.

He is?
Of course he is.

Deep.
You haven't even scratched the surface.

This guy was
the Grand Canyon.

Anyway, if you're
still interested

in this particular case...

Me, interested?

Well, all right,
You win this time.

But I just want you
to know, you owe me one.

Well, I thought we could
begin with where McCane lives.

See if that doesn't
take us somewhere.

Did you come in here
to tell me something?

Me? You? No.

Nothing on my mind
except you.

And this luxuriously
thick head of hair.

Maddie?

Mission control
to Madeline Hayes.

Earth to Maddie.

- Excuse me.
- You're excused.

Only in the future, please don't
leave without taking your body with you.

So this is where he lived.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
this is where Paul McCane,

late of the Heartbreak Hotline,

currently residing
20,000 leagues under the sea,

hung his hat
and defiled his dames.

Was it something I said?
Was it something you took?

Shouldn't we get the manager or
somebody to open the door for us?

- Did you bring your search warrant?
- No.

Forgot mine, too.

Looks like a job
for Mr. Stickpin.

- Mr. Stickpin?
- Yes, friends, it's the amazing

Ronco's Mr. Stickpin.

You can stick with it.
You can prick with it.

You can leave it on your teacher's
chair and play a dirty trick with it.

It's guaranteed not to rust, bust,
break, bend, and will cut a cow in half.

- I've always been curious about this.
- Nothing to it.

You stick the stickpin in.

You pull the stickpin out.

You stick the stickpin in.

♪ And you shake
it all about ♪

♪ You do the Hokey Pokey
and you turn yourself about ♪

♪ That's what
it's all about ♪

Talk about a guy having
everything to live for.

I think our late friend must have
had a very generous sugar mama.

These are not the digs of a man
who works 2 to 6 in the morning.

David.

Closet.

It's okay, Laura.
I'm here with you.

It's okay, come on.

- Laura.
- Sonny!

David!

Hey, Sonny!
Talk about small world.

- You come to this closet too?
- Hello.

Sonny, who are these people?

What are they doing here?

These people
are investigators.

They're investigating
Paul's death.

I'm Madeline Hayes
and this is David Addison.

Investigators?
For who? For Arthur?

- Arthur?
- We don't know any Arthur.

No, we were just hanging
around trying on shoes.

You tell my husband
to stop following me.

I'll get lawyers.
I'll get an injunction.

We don't know Arthur
and we don't know you.

The only thing we know
is that Paul McCane used to

live here and he's dead now.

We know your name is Laura
because we heard Sonny

call you that
when you came in.

We know you must've been
very near and dear

to the recently departed
Mr. McCane

because there are pictures
of you all over this hacienda.

And I guess we also know
that you and your husband

do not have a marriage
based on mutual trust,

because you pointing
that thing at us

like you think
we're the bad guys,

which we are not.

Well, then who are
you working for?

- Working for?
- Working for.

She wants to know
who we're working for.

That's privileged information.

- Client confidentiality.
- Oh, of course.

- Of course.
- Of course.

Of course.

Well, then what are
you doing here?

Trying to figure out
who killed Paul McCane.

It doesn't make sense,
such a brutal murder.

Is there something you know?
Something you could tell us?

I don't think so.

I'm married to a very
powerful man, Ms. Hayes.

My husband is Arthur Boyd.
He owns KRKD.

He owns a lot
of radio stations.

He owns a lot of things.

He owns a lot of people.
He owns me.

He owned Paul.

What are you talking about?
Nobody owns anyone.

You were a model once,
weren't you?

- Yes.
- Made a lot of money?

I like money, Miss Hayes.

I know myself well enough to know I'd
have a difficult time living without it.

Paul wasn't rich,
so I had Arthur.

Arthur wasn't loving,
so I had Paul.

I like money,
so Arthur has me.

An old-fashioned girl.
My favorite kind.

You said you thought your
husband was having you followed.

Do you think he knew
about you and Paul?

Like I said, my husband

is very rich and very scary.

I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

Mrs. Boyd...

I just wanted to know...

I guess I was sort of a fan.

He was a wonderful man.

A terrific man.

I loved him very much.

The truth?

He wasn't quite as good to
be with as he was to listen to.

He was just wonderful
on the radio.

Is that a terrible thing
to say?

Seems like McCane's boss
Mr. Boyd is a good suspect.

Has the means,
has the motive.

Maybe we ought to
pay him a visit.

Why is that the people
who have someone

always want someone else,

and the people who have
no one just get left?

- Come again?
- Nothing. I was-- Never mind.

Don't "never mind" me,
I wanna understand this.

There's nothing to understand.
I was just thinking out loud.

You're hung up on
Paul McCane, aren't you?

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about you and that scene

from a Bette Davis movie you just
played in that apartment up there.

I'm talking about
the way you've been acting.

How do you think
I've been acting?

Like you're in eighth grade

and Paul McCane
just passed you a note.

What is with you
and Paul McCane?

Nothing.
Nothing is with me and Paul McCane.

You're being ridiculous.
It's just a fascinating case.

He's a fascinating man,
that's all,

He was a fascinating man.

He is a smorgasbord at
some guppy's bar mitzvah.

Then there's no reason
for you to feel threatened.

- I don't feel threatened.
- You sound threatened.

I'm not threatened.
I'm concerned, that's all.

My business partner
is beginning to show signs

of affection
for a deceased man.

- These things concern me, Maddie.
- You sound jealous.

Jealous?
Jealous of what? Of who?

- Paul McCane.
- Paul McCane is dead.

Doesn't seem
to be stopping you.

I am not jealous
of a dead man.

- If you say so.
- Hey, lady, look.

You know, for me to be jealous,
he'd have to have something I want,

which he doesn't.

- Look, if I said something to upset you--
- You couldn't.

Okay, I'll
give you an example.

One of the ways we connect
with another person

is we find mutual interests.

We find common ground.

You're not
getting me, Paul.

I don't even know
her name.

Besides, I think
there's someone else.

You're not getting me.
You don't need to know her name.

It doesn't matter
if there's someone else.

Go by her desk at work.
She's got stuff on her desk?

- I don't know.
- Sure, she does.

She's got a cat calendar,

or pictures
from her trip to Europe,

an autographed baseball.

Stick the stickpin in.
Pull the stickpin out.

You stick the stickpin in
and you shake it all about.

You do the Hoochie Coochie
and you turn yourself around.

Okay.

Hello?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

- Ahh! You're alive!
I don't understand.

Why couldn't you
just leave it alone, huh?

I don't understand.
You're alive!

♪ What you want ♪

♪ Baby, I got it ♪

♪ What you need ♪

♪ You know I got it ♪

♪ All I'm asking ♪

♪ Is for a little respect
when you come home ♪

- ♪ Just a little bit ♪
- ♪ Hey, baby ♪

- ♪ Just a little bit ♪
- ♪ When you come home ♪

- ♪ Just a little bit ♪
- ♪ Mister ♪

- ♪ Just a little bit ♪
- ♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♪

♪ Find out
what it means to me ♪

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♪

♪ Take care, TCB ♪

♪ Whoa, baby-- ♪

- Where'd the band go?
- Hello.

You have
your arm around me.

Does that mean
we're going steady?

Doesn't that you're
picking up the check?

Hey, don't take this
the wrong way,

but you remind
of a Pontiac I used to own.

- What's that?
- Coffee.

What for? I didn't
order a doughnut.

Hey, these are the jokes, folks.
Is this thing on?

Tough room, huh?

Relax, guys, I'm fine.

I'm just gonna go
make a phone call.

Later.
Can I have your baby?

No, of course I can't.
That's a trick question.

Bring me two of anything
in the tequila family.

Hi, this is Maddie Hayes.

I can't come to the phone
right now, but if--

If the prettiest girl
lived across the sea,

oh, what a good swimmer
Paul would be

It's a kid's rhyme.

It's kind of apt.

You're looking at a fellow
who's coming up

for his last gasp, Maddie.

Killing yourself must seem
like a terribly dramatic way

to solve a problem, huh?

It's just...

If someone is your destiny...

Laura Boyd?

When Laura and I realized
we loved each other...

it seemed hopeless.

Arthur wasn't about
to give her a divorce.

And you don't tell
a woman like Laura to...

do without.

It wasn't an easy
decision to make,

but it seemed like
the only way.

Arthur was beginning
to suspect something.

He would have had
me killed, you know.

If he were sure.

But...

you can't suspect your wife
of loving a dead man, right?

I know what I'm doing,
Maddie.

I realize that
I'm giving up all my life,

everything...

to be there for one woman
all the time.

That she...

will be my life.

But then women have been doing
that for men for years, right?

Can you believe
she's still not home?

- Speaking of home...
- She thinks I'm weird.

Kinky, unfeeling.

I'm not, you know.

And deep down inside,
I'm an old-fashioned guy.

I mean, like I'll give you
a good example.

Last week I was in this bar,
and, like, four chicks

started hitting on me
at once, and I said:

"Girls, we got
a problem here.

I'm an old-fashioned guy.

One of you girls
is gonna have to leave."

When I snuck in this afternoon
to pick up a few things,

I was exhausted.

I spent the last 24 hours
reading and listening to

accounts of my death.

Let me tell you, that'll knock
the wind out of your sails.

Anyway, I...

I laid down
for just a second.

The next thing I knew,
it was night. Dark.

Then I heard the noise.
Why did you come?

What were you looking for?

What were you
hoping to find?

On the radio, you sounded
like you had all the answers.

And now?

I don't know.

The rain stopped.

I'd better be going.

Maddie.

About what I told you...

About what
who told who?

We've never met.
We've never spoken.

You're a dead man,
Mr. McCane.

You know what I think?

I think she's hung up
on this other guy.

That's what I think.

Not that I care.
I don't care.

Just hurt, that's all.

I mean, I think if she's
gonna go for somebody,

she should go for me,
that's all.

Not that she has to
go for me. I don't--

I don't care about that.

Okay. All right, all right.
I'm insecure. There.

I admit it.
It's out, all right?

It's normal, right?

Did I happen to mention
this other guy's dead?

Sure has
calmed down in here.

Well, I guess
I had my limit.

You and me have to get together
and do this again sometime, Stinky.

We think alike.

Hey, Stinky.
You missed a spot over here.

- Ohh!
- My God!

- They dropped the bomb.
- David.

What are you doing here?
Why are you on my door?

Cab driver kept trying to
put me in a chair

and I kept sliding out.

It's really not that bad up here.
I keep waiting

for the Cowardly Lion
and Tin Man to come along.

David, David,
David, you look awful.

Don't you "David, David,
David" me, you wanton woman.

- Wanton what?
- Wanton woman.

That's what I called you
'cause that's what you are.

A wanton woman.
A woman who's wanton.

Don't deny it.
I know what I'm talking about.

I called your house
every 15 minutes last night.

- You did?
- Yes, I did.

- That is so sweet.
- Get your mitts off me

- you scarlet pimpernel.
- Scarlet what?

I guess I have to bear
a lot of the guilt for this.

I'm the guy
that drove you to it.

Working with me side by side,
day in, day out, it's bound

a weak-willed woman
like yourself a little crazy.

- David.
- We're both mature adults here.

I understand the problem,
and I'm willing to help solve it.

- David.
- I mean, we can't very well

have you out there
on the streets of Los Angeles

filled with these primal urges,
embarrassing yourself

- and the agency, now can we?
- David, stop.

- Stop now while there's still time.
- No, of course, which is why,

and I've given this
a lot of thought,

I would be
more than happy

to accommodate any urges,
passions or desires

you may be filled with and
find yourself unable to relieve.

You understand the offer
I'm making you?

I happen to think
it's damn nice of me.

The trick is not to
make a pig of yourself.

- Think carefully
about what you want--

Ow!

For the company
and the safety of your life,

we'll gonna forget that the last
three minutes ever happened.

Nod yes if you understand.

For your information,
I spent last evening with--

- With who?
- I swore I wouldn't tell.

- Come on. Your secret's safe with me.
- I said I couldn't tell.

- Come on. Give me a hint.
- And I'm not telling.

- Rhymes with... "Joe"?
- No!

- Addison.
- Madison?

- Please.
- Louise?

All right, all right,
if you must know,

I spent last evening
with Paul McCane.

Remember the dead
disc jockey, Paul McCane?

You need my help
more than I realized.

Well, it turns out
that he is very much alive.

- Alive?
- Alive. He feigned his death

so he could continue
seeing Laura Boyd,

whose husband was starting
to suspect something.

- Alive?
- Alive, which means...

there was no murder, which means
that there was no case,

Which means
that because of you

and your tissues
and lightbulbs,

this agency has
wasted two days on nothing!

Paul McCane's alive?
I'll kill him.

Blue Moon.

- Maddie Hayes, yeah.
- Maddie Hayes.

- Oh, hello, Paul.
- Give me that.

McCane, you got a lot
of nerve being alive.

What?

Can I come by?

I need your help.

Laura's husband, Arthur Boyd?

I just found him murdered.

Shot to death.

It's for you.

I did not kill Arthur Boyd.

I know
that right this second,

I must look like
a terrific suspect,

but I swear to you...

I didn't kill that man.

I believe you.

Is this kid
a great audience or what?

I'm not a killer.

I'm a storyteller,
I'm an illusionist.

And also a coward.
Cowards don't kill people.

So I disappeared.

I disappeared better than
anybody in the history of radio.

Orson Welles couldn't
have done any better.

I didn't kill anyone.

Couldn't kill anyone.

God, look at me.
My hands are shaking.

Just tell us what happened,
Paul.

Laura and I have a place.

A place for me to live.

A place for her
to be with me.

But she thought
it was too soon.

Someone might see,
put two and two together.

So we decided not to be with
each other for three weeks.

Let everything die down.

But I couldn't do it.
I had to see her.

So after you
left this morning,

Laura and I worked it out.

There's an office
at the radio station.

It's Arthur's office, actually,
but he's never there, he never uses it.

It's big, roomy.

So I snuck up
the fire escape.

I pulled open the window.

And, I mean,
I got one leg in the room,

and I see him.

He's just
sitting behind the desk

and he's staring at me.

I figured,
"This is it.

The old guy knows.
He's gonna pull out a gun.

I'm gonna fall from the fifth
floor and die in a back alley,

and no one will know,
because, hell, I just died

two days before, right?"

I mean, I'm frozen there.

Just waiting.

And then I see it.

He isn't moving.

He isn't breathing.
He isn't blinking.

And I see the hole
in the center of his forehead.

I'll bet that killed the mood.

I'm an inch away
from being found.

As soon as it gets out that
I'm alive, I'm as good as gone.

I wanna hire you two...

- to prove I'm innocent.
- Hire us?

I don't know
where else to go.

Did you hear what he said?
He wants to hire us.

A real client with a real case.

Excuse us.

Maddie, Maddie, we don't know
this guy didn't kill Arthur Boyd.

We do know that as soon as
the world finds out he's got a pulse

he's gonna make one hell of a suspect,
and that makes us accessories.

Accessories to murder, unless we pick
up the phone right now and call the police.

- Accessories?
- Accessories. Batteries not included.

- Action figure sold separately.
- I'll pay whatever your going rate is.

Accessories go to prison,
Maddie. Prison.

Good looking guy
like me behind bars?

- I don't even know how to dance.
- I'll double it.

I can learn.

Someone followed me here.

It's barely 8:00.
We're not even open yet.

I gotta get out.
You got a back door?

David, show Paul the back door
and I'll see who it is.

W-- wait a second.
I need to know.

Are you gonna take my case?

Let me remind you how bad
you look in stripes.

Of course
we'll take your case.

We need to talk some more.

Uh, meet me tonight
at the radio station at eight.

Thank you.

I took a chance.
Hoped someone would be in.

- Mrs. Boyd?
- I just found my husband, Arthur, dead.

- Shot through the head.
- That seems to be going around.

I want to hire the two
of you to find the killer.

We've got to
start opening earlier.

We're missing a lot
of early bird business.

I want you to prove
I didn't do it.

Our specialty.
See? What did I tell you?

This turned out to be
a gold mine.

That's when I saw
the bullet hole

in the center
of his forehead.

It's turning out to be
one of the more popular

- local attractions.
- I'm scared.

My affair with Paul
is bound to come out,

and when it does,
everyone is going to see

that I had most to gain
from Arthur's death.

- I didn't kill him.
- I swear it.

- Someone followed me here.
- That must be Arthur.

I bet he wants to hire us
to find out who did kill him.

Have you seen our back door?

Very popular
with our innocent clients.

What are you doing
around 8:00 tonight?

Maddie and I are thinking
of having a little powwow

down at the radio station.

Love to have you join us.

Good morning,
Mr. Brezner.

I'm sorry I knocked.
I know you're not open yet.

I was following Laura Boyd.

- Following Laura Boyd?
- It's a long story.

- Is she here?
- Just stepped out the back door.

Part of our policy.

Ten minutes with each client.
No more, no less.

We've become a volume business,
you know.

- What can we do for you, Sonny?
- Well, this is rather dif--

Wait! I'll tell you.
You were just over

at the station, and you
happened to notice

that Arthur Boyd's
got an extra orifice

- where his forehead used to be.
- Laura told you.

And now you want us to help
prove you didn't do it.

Why would I want to do that?
Of course I didn't do it.

Think carefully.

We're running a special
on this particular case.

But I do wanna hire you

to prove Laura is innocent.

All right! Is the kid
a natural born salesman or what?

Relax, Willy Loman.
You want us to prove Laura is innocent?

I was working at the station
this morning.

I saw Laura
walk into Arthur's office.

It aroused my curiosity.
No one walks into Arthur's office.

Two minutes later,
she walked out.

When she was out of sight, I went over,
I knocked on the door.

Maybe the old man was in.
Stranger things happen.

He was in, all right.

Sounds like you think
she did it.

No, no, back up.

I said, it looks like
she did it.

Laura's no killer.

She's...

She's a very special lady.

You heard her.
And she was married

to a very powerful,
very scary guy.

Jury? Jury wouldn't understand
about Laura and Arthur.

It was...
an ugly marriage.

You know what a jury's
gonna think?

A jury' gonna think
that Arthur had McCane killed

and she had Arthur killed.

I want you two to help her.

I want you to get her
out of this.

That's a highly
unusual request.

But we're
a highly unusual agency.

Got any plans for tonight?
Feel like a skull session,

pardon the expression,
at the radio station?

I'm thinking, uh, eight-ish?
Thanks.

Now that all these people
meeting us

at the radio station,
what do we gonna do?

We're gonna do what
they're paying us to do.

- We're gonna prove they didn't do it.
- And how are we gonna do that?

- By telling them who did do it.
- And how are we gonna do that?

Come on. It's obvious
who did it, isn't it?

- You think so too, huh?
- Plain as the face on my nose.

It's nice to hear that.

It's nice to know you
have the same feeling.

Guess that's why we
make such a good team.

One of the many reasons.

Yeah, as soon as I got
a look at that wimp.

- All that stuff about Orson Bean--
- Wait a minute.

- You think Paul did it?
- Who else?

- Who else? I don't believe this.
- Believe it. Who else?

- Well, for starters, how about Vampira?
- Vamp-who?

- Black Widow Boyd.
- You think Laura killed her own husband?

You don't?
Addison, it's obvious.

It's not really obvious to me.

That's because
you think with your zipper.

Laura Boyd is a woman
who married solely for money.

Cheated on her husband,
had him killed, and then set up

her own lover to take the blame.

You're still hung up
on this guy, aren't you?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you, and about how
you're laying all this stuff on Laura Boyd.

About how your feelings
for this mouse--

I don't have feelings
and he's not a mouse.

Open your eyes.

Paul McCane killed himself
in the eyes of the world

so he could kill Arthur Boyd

so he could live off his money
with Boyd's widow.

- You'd love if that were true.
- If?

- Open your eyes, Addison.

I'm telling you what
any impartial person...

- I'm impartial.
- ...any person not blinded
by jealousy...

I'm not blinded with jealousy.

I'm not jealous
of Paul McCane.

No, you just want to see him
go to the chair.

Paul McCane is not a killer.

Laura Boyd
is not a killer.

- Yes, she is.
- No, she's not.

- Yes, she is. Yes, she is.
- No, she's not.

- I'm telling you, it's him.
- I'm telling you, it's her.

- It's him.
- It's her.

- It's him.
- You're wrong.

- I'm right.
- You're wrong.

- I'm right. I'm right.
- You're wrong!

- You are not.
- I am too.

- You are not. You are not.
- I am too. I am too.

- Paul. Paul.
- Laura. Laura.

Paul.

- Laura. Laura.
- Paul. Paul.

- Paul.
- Ahh! Maddie.

- David.
- Nice to see you both again.

Laura and I have just
been comparing notes.

It says a lot that
we would both come to see you.

Have you come up
with anything?

- Well, it occurs to us
that the way

to prove who didn't do it
is to figure out who did.

And?

Well, we both have
very strong opinions

as to who killed your husband.

- Very strong, very different opinions.
- Yes?

Addison, why don't you
start us out?

No, that's quite all right, Ms. Hayes.
Why don't you begin?

- David.
- Maddie.

- You first, Addison.
- Ladies first, lady.

- You. No!
- You. Do it.

- You, Addison. You first.
- You do it first. Do it.

No!
You first, Addison.

Would you like us to leave
the room for a minute?

All right, look, here it is.

It's not gonna be pretty.

There's only one person who could've
had a motive for killing your husband.

- You're right so far.
- One person who could have possibly hoped

- to get away with this crime.
- My thoughts exactly.

Only one person sneaky enough,

dishonest enough,
unfeeling enough.

- Who?
- Who?

- Paul.
- Laura.

- Laura?
- Paul?

- Paul.
- Sonny.

Paul, you're alive.

No... no, no,
no, no, I...

I didn't kill old man Boyd
so you could have her.

Sonny, don't!

He was my second choice.

Laura! Stay down!

Sonny!

- Stay down, Laura!
- Ow!

Maddie!
Bite his other leg!

Ow! Unh!

- I told you to bite, not eat.
- I'm so sorry.

From the bottom up,
all you men look the same to me.

David, what are
we gonna do?

That's six bullets.

Guy carries extra bullets.
I hate that!

- Guess we lost him.
- Guess so.

Unh!

Ohh!

Oh, Sonny.

- Front page.
- Front page.

- Just like you promised.
- Just like I promised.

Poor Laura Boyd.

I wonder what it's like being
a woman men die for.

Ah!

It's not all
it's cracked up to be.

It's hard to make plans.

Dates keep getting sick,
kicking off, not showing up.

You wanna
do something tonight?

Get something to eat
or something maybe?

Addison, we've
been over this before.

You know I have to be
at home alone in bed by 9:30.

Ah, come on.
It's not a school night.

There's all kinds of great
things going on out there.

Can't you hear them?

- Hear them?
- Sure.