Original subtitles

- Mmm. Jonathan? - Sleep.

Do I know you?

Is there something that you want from me?

I didn't see him. I didn't see him.

- Is he all right? - I swear, I didn't see him.

He just ran out of nowhere. He--

Hey.

- The guy came out-- - Okay.

- Give me your name. - Klaus Gunter.

- Wait. Hey, hey! - Take it easy.

What the--

That's it! Basta! Finito!

Andre! Aah!

What are you doing? What is going on?

You want to know what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

This! This is going on.

Good morning, Miss Hayes. How was the trip?

Selma, what is he talking about? What is all this commotion?

Selma, is there something going on that I should know about?

Yes, there's something...

What is he talking about? Why is he smashing my china?

... that I would like to discuss with you.

What are you talking about? Why are you smashing her china?

Tell her that I'm an artiste. I do not work free.

- He says he's an artiste... - What does he mean, free?

- No one is asking him to work for free. - Go tell it to the bank.

The household staff's paychecks, they all bounced again.

Bounced? What do you mean bounced?

Oh, you shouldn't have asked that, Miss Hayes.

Bounced. So you wanna know what bounced means?

I'll tell you what bounced means.

Do you see this dish, huh?

No bouncy. This check?

Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.

Ahh! This.

No bouncy. This check?

Pingady poingady pingady!

- And that. - No, Andre!

Selma!

We get the idea.

Andre, whatever the problem is,

I'm sure it's just some mistake.

Ahh! That's what the accountant say,

over and over again.

Finito mistakes! Andre quit!

Arrivederci!

I'm gonna call my accountant right now.

How long has this been going on? Checks bouncing.

A little over a month, just after you left for the cruise.

This is Maddie Hayes--

We're sorry, You have reached a number...

What is this?

We're sorry.

You have reached a number that has been disconnected

or is no longer in--

Have Peter bring the car around.

- I'm gonna go over there in person. - Miss Hayes.

Peter quit early this morning.

He took the car with him as security.

It's all right, Selma, it's going to be all right.

Just call me a cab and I'll go get dressed.

Yes, ma'am. Uh, ma'am, Miss Hayes.

- Maddie. - Selma.

I understand. You have family, obligations.

Besides, I'm sure it's just some mistake.

I'm sure you're right, ma'am.

Are you telling me that I have no recourse?

That someone can steal everything that I've worked so hard for

since I was 14 years old, and there's nothing I can do about it?

Truth, Maddie, you've been done, you've been done good.

Those business managers of yours took every dime you had in the bank.

- Alan... I'm broke? - No, no, no. You're not broke.

- It sure sounds like broke. - Yeah, and it's gonna feel like broke.

But they only took liquid assets

like cash in the bank, stock certificates.

Things like that. You still have other sources of income.

- Like what? - Well, like this.

See, you've invested in a number of companies.

Look, there's a whole list.

- Got a dog-grooming outfit. - Oh, Alan.

- A fingernail boutique. - Tell me it gets better.

- Say, "Maddie, it gets better." - This is interesting.

A family portrait studio.

Hand me that wastebasket, I'm going to throw up.

Oh, don't throw up yet. You also own part

of a bait and tackle shop, a dirty bookstore,

and a detective agency.

Now, last year,

the entire group of investments produced...

$400,311?

Hey, but that's great. I made that much?

No, you lost that much.

Apparently, these investments were maintained as write-offs.

- Oh, Alan. - Mmm.

Now, let's not lose our heads here.

This is not the end of the world.

After all, you are Maddie Hayes.

What's that supposed to mean?

What it means is that five years ago

you were the hottest model in this country.

And you can't tell me that there aren't companies

that wouldn't pay through the ying-yang just to have you

stand next to a car.

- Or pose in their clothes. - I couldn't.

- Or fondle their fridge. - Oh, please.

- Well, there are auto shows. - Blech!

There are worse ways to make a living, Maddie.

Alan, you're a good lawyer and a good friend.

You're only saying that

because I'm loaning you my car.

- You're right. - I'll draw a check.

and see that you get your car back this afternoon.

In the meantime, I want you to go home, pull yourself together,

and then visit every one of these businesses.

I want you to liquidate the ones you can.

Some of the managers may offer to buy you out on the spot.

But the main thing is to put them on notice.

Close 'em up.

You can't afford to sustain losses like this anymore.

I don't like this, Alan. I don't like being poor.

Poor doesn't become me.

You know, you have a very pretty chin, Maddie.

Try to keep it up.

City of Angels Investigations.

Lost or stolen property, our specialty.

You dropped it, we'll spot it. He cheats, we'll peek.

Little one gone, we'll find him before dawn.

No job is too big, no job is too small.

We're here to please one and all.

We're licensed by the State of California

and happily accept all major credit cards.

How can I help you?

Sorry, we already subscribe.

- Good afternoon. - Wow.

Could you tell me the name of the person in charge, please?

He was surrounded... and no one was in the clear.

He dribbles like mad as he looks for a hole.

Suddenly, he sees it.

And it's up.

And it's good!

And the fans leap to their feet.

Grown men cry, women throw underwear,

and even as the president shakes his hand

on the White House lawn,

he silently promises himself, his mother, and his God

that no matter how big he becomes,

he's never, ever going to change.

Hello.

Hello. Wow.

My goodness, Miss DiPesto,

we're looking a little "pail" today, aren't we?

- And who have we here? - I don't know. She just came in.

Now, now, no reason to be shy.

Let's see a little confidence, a little charisma,

a little Dale Carnegie.

Remember, lesson one: imagine your entire audience

is completely naked.

Boggles the mind, doesn't it?

Amscray, will you?

Terrible thing, shyness.

Believe me, I know, but don't worry.

We're gonna get her the best help there is.

Better than the best.

She's come a long way already.

Why, when I first found her,

she was nothing but a poor little urchin,

out on the street, urchin-ing.

- But you don't wanna hear that. - I don't wanna hear that.

Okay. So...

My name is David Addison, and your name is--

- Maddie Hayes. - Maddie Hayes and--

- Don't I know you? - No, I don't think we've met.

Nah. Wait a second, can't fool me.

The eyes don't lie. Not these babies. Photographic.

See something once, it's locked in there forever.

Really? I didn't notice anything locked in there.

No, don't change the subject. You're looking at a bloodhound.

- Once I'm on to something-- - That's all well and good, Mr. Addison...

- I'll get it, I'll get it. - ...but that's not--

All right, you might've seen my pictures somewhere.

- I knew it. - No flies on you.

Nope, there certainly aren't. Whatever that means.

- Now then, what I came-- - What are we talking, late '70s?

The year's a little fuzzy for me, but I will bet the house

that you were a Miss March.

- A Miss what? - Miss March.

A Playmate of the Month. What, about 1976?

I can see the whole layout in my head. You like jazz.

Your favorite movie was Jonathan Livingston Seagull,

You wanted to help underprivileged kids. Am I right or am I right?

I mean, I can see the whole layout in my head.

And if you don't mind me saying so,

you are even more beautiful now,

here in my office, completely dressed,

almost a decade later.

Wow.

- So-- - Listen, bub.

Knock that high school locker-room grin off your face

or I'll knock it off for you. I'm not Miss March,

Miss May, or Miss Anything Else.

For your information, I am Ms. Madelyn Hayes

and I own this dump.

Madelyn Hayes? Madelyn Hayes?

You're Maddie Hayes?

The Maddie Hayes, The Blue Moon Girl?

Blue Moon Shampoo? Sure, Blue Moon Shampoo.

The only shampoo with milk, honey and a--

... tablespoon of moonbeams in every bottle.

Sure. You're her? That's you?

The girl on the bottle, from the ads,

the girl that was everywhere?

I knew I'd seen you.

God, I gotta tell you, I love you.

I mean, I have always loved you.

Really, truly. Nothing personal.

So...

... what is it you wanna tell old Dave?

You're fired.

- Come again? - Mr. Addison...

the City of Angels Investigation Company

is wholly owned by me and my company, Mad Hayes, Inc.

I've suffered some recent financial reverses, and that,

coupled with the fact that this company has registered significant losses

during all of its three years of its operation,

forces me to close its doors...

- Fired? - ...immediately.

I expect all expense accounts and credit cards

maintained in the company name

to be surrendered to me or my representatives.

And I will expect the prompt return of all company cars.

The company car? My company car?

The Porsche? Both of them?

Real estate agents are already looking

for someone to sublet this space,

so the sooner you tell your employees, obviously,

the better it will be for everyone.

Naturally, we'll honor whatever severance agreements

might have been negotiated into any individual's contract,

and, of course, there will be additional two weeks' pay

for any employee who isn't covered by a severance...

Are you getting all this, Mr. Addison?

Absolutely, every word.

This isn't easy for me, either.

I don't enjoy putting people out of work.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I believe I've finished my business.

You know what's really amazing?

From the TV commercials and posters

and billboards and all that stuff?

You'd never guess what a cold bitch you are.

Hey, let's get together and do this again sometime, huh?

Time has come to go, to pack our bags and blow.

To hit the street, till next we meet.

Until then, it's on with the show.

I'm gonna miss working for you, Mr. Addison.

You were the most fun boss I ever had.

Hey, hey, hey! I wasn't kidding.

This guy's landing on his feet.

The word's out out there.

I've already had five calls on my private line

from other agencies begging me to come over.

And you know as soon as I get set up somewhere,

I'm gonna be hiring everybody back.

But I'll understand if you can't wait.

You take care.

Hayes residence.

No, I'm sorry, she's not here right now.

Uh, well, my name is David Addison,

and I have something important to discuss

with Miss Hayes about her financial affairs.

You wouldn't know where she is, would you?

Pressing? Yes, I'd say it's pressing.

As a matter of fact, I'd say it's crushing.

What a lot of people don't realize

is that plastic surgery

is not a 9-to-5 profession.

I mean, take myself. I'm never really off duty.

I look at a person crossing the street,

or standing next to me in the market...

...all I see is where to nip,

where to tuck, where to rebuild, reshape.

Add, subtract. It's hell.

My mind never really shuts down.

That's why when Dr. Freedman told me

that he knew an almost symmetrical woman, I said,

"Buddy, that's better than a ticket to Bermuda.

You've got to give me her name."

Are you having fun so far? You're not saying anything.

- I'm speechless. - That sounds good.

I like that.

Have you ever eaten here before?

The light is very flattering.

Excuse me, reservations for two

under the name of Spellner, Dr. Spellner.

By the way, I could take care of that little thing under your chin

in about 15 minutes in my office.

- This way, doctor. - Thank you.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jennifer ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Oh, look at that. - Ah, make a wish!

Blow. Go, go. Deep breath.

- All right. - What did you wish for?

I'm not supposed to tell.

You know that, Mom.

- Oh, she's not supposed to tell. - Don't tell.

- I wished everything for my birthday. - Oh, you did?

Grandpa, it's for you.

- I want Jennifer, okay? - Okay.

- Heinz. - Eh?

- Are you having cake tonight? - Yes.

- Give me the flower. - Everybody wants the flower.

- Hello. - I got it.

I gotta get rid of it.

Tomorrow night, as we had planned.

What makes you think people are following you?

Very well, then, an hour from now.

And we've got a nice big slice for Grandpa, how about that?

- Oh, boy. - You give that to him.

Grandpa, we saved you a piece with a flower.

Thank you, darling.

I'll have to wrap it up and take it with me.

- Aww! - Why, Grandpa, why?

That was the alarm company.

Someone broke into the store.

- Oh, no. - What is it?

God had the right idea with lobster, don't you think?

Just a good, hard, tough shell.

Dr. Spellner, I have a telephone call for you at my desk.

- Oh, my. - They said it's most urgent.

Urgent. Damn. I'll be right back.

I'll be here.

Who's the geek with the phony tan? Don't be alarmed.

The good doctor is being called to Our Lady of Ladies

in Pasadena, where a nose job has suddenly gone south.

Seems his colleague slipped at the moment of truth,

and now, his patient can literally blow in her own ear.

Oh, wow, lobster,

- My favorite. - What are you doing here?

I just came by to return my company cars and to tell you

I think you're making a big mistake

closing down the City of Angels Investigations.

If you don't leave this table this instant, I'm going to scream.

Uh-oh.

Well, that would bring the geek back here, wouldn't it?

Tell me about him anyway.

I hope you two aren't planning anything serious.

Oh, Mr. Addison, you're the most aggravating

- human being I've ever known. - Oh, yeah, that would be a waste.

The guy-- The guy is obviously not from this planet.

Now, I'm willing to wager, and we're talking considerable money here,

that the guy wears bikini underwear.

- Good night, Mr. Addison. - Tell me you're in a position to know.

- Tell Dr. Spellner I'll be back. - Break my heart for real.

Deny the man blows bubbles with his drool.

A Simply true or false statement. Of course, he does.

Do birds fly? Do ducks duck?

- I just wanna talk to you. - But I don't wanna talk to you.

Good evening.

I was wondering if I might convince you to pull over.

So that my friend and I can discuss a certain wristwatch with you.

Shut up.

Oh, forgive me.

Is this conversation making you nervous?

Well, there's nothing to be nervous about.

Get out of here!

Shut up. Shut up! Get out of here!

I just want to make it clear that all we're asking for

is an opportunity to negotiate for the wristwatch.

I'm well aware that the man you work for wants it very badly.

All I'm asking for is a chance to talk.

Now, that's not too much to ask for, now, is it?

- Was it something I said? - Would you stop sneaking up on me?

I mean, I come all the way down here, change the underwear, tie the tie.

Do you have any idea how much it cost to park in a place like this?

And you won't even talk to me?

- Okay, talk. - Listen. I understand.

You're having financial difficulties, but that is no reason to close us down.

Oh, no? Do you know how much money you lost last year?

That's because we're supposed to lose money.

It was our job to lose money. And we lost money great.

Now, you turn around and say make money, we're gonna make money great.

This is a ridiculous conversation.

I happen to be a terrific detective.

There's nothing in your work record to indicate that.

Excuse me, I have extraordinary credentials

and a tremendous depth of experience.

Let's talk about Yale. Let's talk about Princeton.

What about Yale and Princeton?

Couple of great schools. Let's talk about government training.

- Let's talk about Vietnam. - You were in Vietnam?

I could have been. I came very close.

Look, all I need is one case.

One big case. And with you, your celebrity--

- Oh, please. - With your name and your reputation

I could get the case, then we'd both have what we want.

Good night, Mr. Addison.

Maddie, just awful news.

There's been a medical emergency, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to--

- Doctor. - Hello.

David Addison. I'm a business associate of Miss Hayes.

Small world, isn't it? I'm here with

the wife and kids, celebrating Patty getting her braces removed,

and I was gonna say, "Hey, let's see if we can't

pull a couple tables together and get to know each other."

But it looks like you gotta go, huh, doc?

I'm afraid so.

I feel just terrible about leaving you like this.

Let me come with you.

You seem to be in very good hands.

The best.

- Please. - I know, we were starting

to hit it off, weren't we?

Listen, I've already paid the captain.

Why don't you stay with your friend and go ahead and enjoy your dinner?

- Carl. - I'll call you tomorrow.

I'm sure you will.

Lovely man.

- Where were we? - You were fired and I was leaving.

Now, I am really sorry to hear you say that.

I think we would have made a terrific team.

- Looks like nobody's home. - Seems to be going around.

Yo.

Give it a chance. We're a long way up.

You really want to get away from me all that bad?

You can't begin to know.

- What's so funny? - You.

- You need me, Maddie Hayes. - I need you to leave.

You need me to live, lady. Yow!

You are one cold, icy broad. You got your nose so high in the air

- it's snowing on your brain. - Hell of a salesman, Addison.

You need somebody like me around. I'm fun, Maddie Hayes.

- When was the last time you had fun? - Ha! I have lots of fun.

- Tons of fun. - With who, Dr. Gumby?

- The knucklehead you were with? - Leave me alone. Do you hear me?

I don't want to be a detective with you.

I don't want to have fun with you.

But most of all, most of all,

I don't wanna talk with you.

Hey, I can take a hint.

Maybe you wanna take the night and think about it?

Excuse me?

We are talking major weird here.

Thank you, but I already have a watch.

No, thank you, really. Really.

There's gotta be cooties the size of oysters on that.

It's very sweet, but, no, thank you.

Would you please stop touching me?

Let go of my hand! Let--

Let go of my hand. No, thank you!

Addison.

Addison, why is he doing that?

Gravity?

Aah!

Oh, that's gotta hurt, falling on your nose like that.

Oh, my God.

Wait. We should call somebody, the police.

What is that over there?

I can't see.

Whoa! I didn't know you guys were gonna be taking X-rays.

So, you say you never met this fella, Klaus Gunter,

before this evening.

Nope.

- Ever heard of Jonathan Kaplan? - Good-looking guy. Who he?

Died this morning in a traffic accident.

- Your friend, Gunter-- - He was not my friend.

It was just a casual thing.

He was lonely, I was on shore leave,

the elevator doors opened, and he threw himself at my feet.

Happens to me all the time.

And you have no idea how the knife got in his back?

Well, I suppose somebody put it there.

- Just answer the question. - And what if I don't?

This is America, isn't it, fellas?

I am entitled to one phone call, am I not?

- The phone is right there. - Thank you.

What do you guys like on your pizza?

Guys, it's okay, it's on me.

No, no, no, it's no big deal.

I'll lend you the album, you make a tape of it,

you get it back to me.

Miss Hayes, if you'd come with us now,

there's a few questions we'd like to ask you.

Nothing to it, kid. Bunch of pussycats.

I told them you're my partner.

I am not your partner. I am not his partner.

That's all right, ma'am.

I don't know this man. I don't like this man.

I would greatly appreciate it if you locked this man up.

Now, we're not gonna hold that against her, are we, Joe?

Woman's been under a lot of stress.

Look at that lower back. Tense, tight.

Kind of nice, though, huh?

Okay, guys, here she is.

Miss Hayes, we'd like to ask you just a few questions.

Mary Hart with Entertainment Tonight,

standing outside a Los Angeles Police Department

with Maddie, Madelyn Hayes,

probably best known to you as the Blue Moon Shampoo girl.

She's just been released following questions...

- Yeah, all right!

...relating to the apparent murder of Klaus Gunter

in a downtown restaurant.

Miss Hayes, you are denying any involvement in tonight's incident.

- I'm sorry, this light is so bright. - I know, it's very bright.

Is it true that you and a professional investigator

are forming your own detective agency and your first case will be

- to solve the Klaus Gunter case? - My first what?

I understand that there are rumors regarding

- the Blue Moon Agency. - All right, all right!

- Blue Moon! Yes! - Care to make a comment?

Stick around.

There's going to be another murder.

People, cut, print, ship. That's a wrap!

Let's take 10, huh? Really, you're beautiful.

I love you, don't ever change.

Addison!

Hey, what about the murder?

- Miss Hayes. Miss Hayes, wait. - Addison!

Addison!

- Addison! - He's not in here.

I want you out of my life, do you hear me?

- Now, let's not say things we don't mean. - I mean it.

- Out of my life. Out, out, out! - One little television crew.

That's what all the fuss is about?

One little television crew?

Have you ever seen the show, huh?

Very nice, very tasteful.

All the stars are on there.

A man was murdered.

He was stabbed to death right in front of me.

So?

You're right.

You're 150 percent right.

I wasn't thinking about you or about how you felt.

I was thinking about myself

and how to maximize the situation for my own benefit.

Dumb. Very dumb.

And I'm very sorry.

I'm gonna go now.

Out of this garage and out of your life.

- Here I go. - Goodbye.

- This is me going. - Good.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Yes, please. I'd like the number of Imperial Taxi.

Before you jump to conclusions, I just want you to know

this is really your car, not my car.

I am out of your life.

Didn't wanna see you stranded out here

in the middle of nowhere.

Of course, now I'm stranded out here in the middle of nowhere.

- Get in. - I love it when you beg.

Feel free to use the car to drive home.

I'll have someone pick it up tomorrow.

Miss Hayes, I feel like I'm leaving you

with the wrong impression of me.

Mr. Addison, don't think me rude,

but I've had a hard day.

I woke up this morning to find that all of my money had been stolen from me.

I went to visit a business I own and was called a bitch

by a person I'd never met before.

I went out to dinner and got to watch a man die at my feet.

Then, I was driven downtown to be questioned by the police.

I've had TV cameras, microphones,

not to mention the likes of you

poked in my face.

So please forgive me, but I'd like to go into my own house alone

and take about 45 sleeping pills. I hope you understand.

It's nothing personal. I just hate you.

You know, I respect you so much for telling me that.

Great. Now beat it.

Hey, you wanna hear something weird?

There's a guy back here pressing the barrel of a gun

into the small of my back.

I think it will speed things along considerably

if you know who I am

and what I am about.

I'm a businessman.

Just like the corner grocer

or the gentleman who runs the local car dealership.

I am interested solely in my bottom line.

And just like the corner grocer,

or the gentleman who runs the local car dealership,

I will do... anything

to protect that bottom line.

You with me so far?

Good.

Well, tonight...

my bottom line hinges on getting the truth

out of the two of you.

The truth about what?

About a wristwatch.

Yes. I am told that a certain wristwatch

accidentally landed in your hands.

Now, you should understand that there are

a number of people who want this wristwatch very badly.

Who are willing to... kill to get it.

See, it's your good fortune that we met first.

So you can give me the watch...

and be spared any additional discomforts.

But we don't have it. I gave it to the police.

And?

There's no "and." That's it.

I gave the watch to the police.

Heh.

What's so funny?

Well, what is so funny is that I almost...

believe you.

Why is that funny? Why does he think that's funny?

You should believe me. I'm telling you the truth.

Do you know why it's funny?

Because you don't know what is and isn't true.

You're going to assume that she's lying to you.

And you're probably going to apply... duress.

- Duress. - Duress.

You're probably going to keep applying it

till she tells you what you wanna hear.

Why, that's very good.

I couldn't have done it without you.

But I really did give it to the police.

But how do I know that?

Grab the gun, Maddie. Come on!

Aah!

David!

- What do I do now? - Pull the trigger.

What are you trying to do, what are you trying to do, bore me to death?

That's six.

You did it. You missed the barn.

- How's your jaw? - Fine.

Plenty more where that came from.

Just makes it easier to floss.

Now...

if there are no further objections,

why don't we adjourn to the kitchen?

The kitchen.

Marvelous. I'm starving.

Incredible, the effect of heat on animal flesh.

On human flesh.

Oh, but you probably can't feel the heat

sitting way over there.

Allister...

bring our two friends closer

so they might experience firsthand this phenomenon.

Get away from us. What are you talking about?

About a wristwatch.

Now, if I take the two of you and apply some--

What did you call it?

Duress.

Ahh.

And I ask you again.

Where's the watch?

I swear to you, I gave it to the police.

Think carefully.

I'd like to take this opportunity

to initiate a discussion about fried foods.

That's the only answer. There is no other answer.

I'll make something up if you want me to,

but, the truth is, the police have the watch.

Oh, Allister, I think our friends

have caught a chill over there.

I swear, I gave it to the police!

I swear it, I swear it!

I swear it!

All right. A vegetarian. My kind of guy.

All right.

You say the wristwatch is with the police.

I have many friends there.

That will be easy enough to check.

If it's not there, however, I will be back.

And if I return, it won't be to threaten you.

It will be to kill you.

Have a pleasant evening.

I have never been so scared in my entire life.

- What are you doing? - Untying you so you can untie me

so this horrible night will be over.

So that you can leave and I can go to bed and...

wake up in the morning and start life all over again.

There.

Now you untie me.

Would you untie me, please?

This might be a good time for you and me to have a little chit-chat.

- Addison, you better untie me. - No, I don't think that would be...

- Right now. - ...a good idea.

- See, it's not quite over yet. - What do you mean it's not quite over?

It's all over. I gave the watch to the police.

Now Mr. Simon, whoever the hell he is, will go to the police,

they'll give it to him, and it'll all be over.

- I gave the watch to the police. - No, you didn't.

- What do you mean I didn't? - You got any booze in the house?

I did, I know I did. I was there, I saw me do it.

- Here, I want you to drink this. - David, I gave--

No, as a matter of fact, you gave them the watch

my grandmother gave me for graduating high school.

Switched watches on you when I grabbed your purse

at the station. I had it. I had it all the time.

You maniac! You almost got us killed.

Think again, lady. The only thing keeping us alive

is the fact that we got the watch and the Galloping Gourmet doesn't.

I don't believe you. "One big case, that's all I need."

Deny you said that. That's what this is all about.

The guy was gonna make a skin omelet out of my face.

What do you think he would have done if he found it?

- I don't believe you. - Let us go?

You did this so we'd work together.

Are you nuts? Sure, I want you as partner.

For your name and your money, not you.

Like I want some a blond ball of fluff following me around.

Ball of fluff?

You are calling me a ball of fluff?

You? The sissy fighter?

- What did you call me? - Sissy fighter.

I wish you could have seen yourself.

Didn't anyone ever teach you how to throw a real punch?

Real men don't punch like that.

They put their whole bodies into it.

You-- Ha! You! You punch with your wrist.

All right, already!

Now, you listen to me. I don't care what you think.

These guys are killers, and they're gonna come back here.

And we gotta get out of here now, tonight.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

You're not going anywhere period until I untie you.

And I am not gonna do that until I am sure you are calm

and that you understand the situation.

- Now, are you calm? - I'm calm.

- You don't look very calm. - I'm calm and I understand.

The muscles in your face look tight.

I'm calm.

Looks like a charley horse in your cheek.

I'm calm!

Okay.

I'm gonna take you at your word, then.

I'm gonna untie you now.

Oh, Maddie, que sera sera, what will be, will be.

Like it or not...

it's you and me, kid.

That's how you throw a real punch.

Yeah.

I'm really looking forward to working with you, kid.

Hmm.

I figure we could each take a couch.

I even think there are a couple of blankets in here somewhere.

I love sleepovers, don't you?

Ta-dah!

From the company picnic. We used to throw a great picnic.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm just surprised you didn't try to take me to your place.

I think I'm insulted.

Would you have gone for it?

Of course you would have.

You want to call anybody and let them know you're okay?

A boyfriend or something?

- Please. - What?

It's just that I haven't heard the word "boyfriend" since the eighth grade.

Excuse me. Forgive me.

If you want to call your gigolo, be sure and dial nine first.

Back at my house, that was very brave, what you did.

Stupid, but brave.

Ooh! She's very hostile when she hasn't had her nap.

I am not hostile.

I'm just exhausted... and uncomfortable.

And still a little scared.

- Do you have a plan? - Absolutely.

What's it like being so pretty?

You're changing the subject.

I am? I thought you were the subject.

You and your plan are the subject.

You don't have a plan, do you?

Are you calling me a liar?

I'm not calling you anything.

I'm just looking for some assurance.

Some sense that someone is in charge here.

That someone has sat down, thought about this

predicament we're in, and...

arrived at some idea as to how we can get out of it.

- I've done all that. - And?

There really are moonbeams in that stuff, aren't there?

You think this is all terribly funny, don't you?

Madelyn, get it straight. I'm the best.

You better be.

- If you need anything-- - I won't.

Okay, the key to the case is the watch. Agreed?

- Agreed. - So what we have to figure out is

what makes the watch valuable. Agreed?

- Agreed. - So obviously, what we need

is an expert in the field of value.

Ta-dah!

- It's a pawn shop. - You peeked.

- Three dollars. - Thief!

- Three dollars? - Thief! The man is a thief.

There must be some mistake here.

Look, you said yourself, it's a one of a kind.

Yeah, a worthless one of a kind.

You ever look at this thing? It's not even really a watch.

It's got no hour hand.

It's got no stem for setting the time.

And my guess is, just from what it weighs...

... that it's got no works in it. Nope.

- Looks like it never did, either. - Explain that.

"That." It's an adjective.

I'll use it in a sentence for you.

"That cow jumped over that moon."

- Go ahead. - The inside of the back is damaged.

Someone etched numbers in there.

- Numbers? - Yeah.

- The plot thin-ens. - We're risking our lives

- for a worthless watch! - Well, I wouldn't say it's worthless.

- What about the numbers? - What about 'em?

- Well, maybe it means something. - Like what?

- I don't know. - You don't know much, do you?

Expert in the field of value. Ha!

- Did I say something? - She's strange.

She doesn't get out much.

Hey.

- Forgive me. - How did you get in here?

I didn't mean to startle you.

I used the back door.

At my age, the walk from the parking lot--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What can I do for you today?

Two young people were just in here

asking about a watch, perhaps.

A watch, perhaps. Yeah, that's right.

Tell me about it, the watch.

When I came in the back door,

I thought I overheard you mention

there were numbers etched in the case.

- Yeah. - Do you remember the numbers?

I remember they were there.

Do I remember what they were? No.

- Can I show you something else? - What were the numbers? Think.

Think? I ain't got time to think.

I'm in the business to make money.

- Come on, old man, move it. - I need the numbers.

- Enough! - The numbers!

Unh!

The numbers. Tell me the numbers!

He showed me a brooch today--

Hello. Is there anyone here to help us?

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Dorfman? Customers.

Are we not talking?

Why am I always the last to know these things?

Maddie, mysteries don't all fall into place

one, two, three, boom.

Now we know the watch isn't a watch. What does that mean?

I don't know what that means.

- It's worthless. That's what it means. - It must mean something.

And that's important. Maybe the numbers

inside the watch mean something.

Maybe the fact that it doesn't have an hour hand.

I don't know.

All I do know is that you have to trust me.

Trust you. Trust you?

People fire you and you make googly eyes at them.

Men try and fry your face and you make jokes.

You seek out the expert advice of pawnbrokers.

You talk with your mouth full, you don't signal when you turn,

and worst of all, you don't even have a plan.

- Are you through? - No, I am not through.

I would like to know how someone like you,

someone with no obvious facility for deductive reasoning,

no knowledge of business administration,

- a sissy fighter-- - Are we gonna start that?

How does someone like that get to be head of a detective agency?

Now what are you doing?

Tell the man you want the morning paper.

Morning paper, please.

You sure you don't want some magazines?

It's not like we have a lot to do today.

Turn to the obituary page.

Shopping for a funeral home, how appropriate.

See if there's anything listed for a Jonathan Kaplan.

I remember the police saying Jonathan Kaplan had been hit by a car

- early yesterday morning. - "Kaplan, Jonathan.

Beloved husband of Susan, amateur pilot,

passed away after having been accidentally struck by a car--"

And that the only witness was our buddy

- at the elevator, Mr. Mohawk. - "Graveside service pending

at Mount Sinai Memorial Park."

Sounds suspiciously like a plan.

Me? Plan? Couldn't be.

Everybody knows, I have no facility for deductive reasoning.

Hell, I can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.

Dumb David, always chomping on his feet

and blowing bubbles with his shoes.

Me? Plan? No!

- I'm sorry. - No, you're not.

I don't even know if there's a connection.

I'm just grasping at straws.

Keep grasping.

You looking for me?

Susan Kaplan?

Who wants to know?

Okay, here we go. Lesson one.

Getting people to open up is a little tricky.

Better let me handle the interview.

Hi. The funeral director said we could find you here.

- My name is David-- - I know you.

You used to be on television.

Hi, I'm Maddie Hayes,

and this is my business associate, David Addison.

I know this is a difficult time for you, Mrs. Kaplan.

I guess you're thinking,

"She doesn't exactly look like the grieving widow."

I guess she isn't.

Mrs. Kaplan, we were wondering if you know anything about a strange watch.

- With one hand and no stem? - We're collectors.

Watches from all over the world.

My great inheritance.

I don't have it.

Johnny was wearing it when the... car hit him.

Police say they don't have it.

They claim he wasn't even wearing it.

But he always wore two watches.

The one his father left him didn't even work.

Isn't that funny?

His father was a watchmaker, a clockmaker.

He passed away about a month ago.

It's been a terrific month in our family, folks.

Strange thing for a watchmaker to leave his son.

Strange? Johnny's dad?

He was a flyer in the Second World War.

He got shot down over Germany.

He used to tell a story how, just before the war ended,

this Nazi, who could see the writing on the wall, asked him

if when he was released, he would smuggle

four million dollars in diamonds

from Germany to America.

Well, anyway, the way Johnny's dad used to tell the story,

when this German officer finally made it to America,

to claim the diamonds... he stiffed him.

He hid these so-called diamonds someplace,

some secret place.

You sound like you don't believe it.

No flies on you.

Somebody has to tell me what that means.

Hey, I have eyes.

The guy lived in a little tiny house.

He drove around in a 10-year-old car.

Never missed a day of work.

If there were any diamonds in his life, I didn't see any proof of it.

Try telling that to Johnny.

He was sure his old man

had these diamonds hidden in a vault someplace.

He was gonna outwait this Nazi.

Even if it meant never seeing any of the money himself,

even if it meant leaving everything to his son.

So my Johnny never had a regular job.

Oh, he piloted sometimes, but mostly...

he slept, he jogged...

and waited for his old man to kick off.

Which he did about a month ago.

Sure did.

You know, a week after he died, a guy comes to the door.

A collector, like you two.

Offers us $5000 for this watch.

Five thousand.

I mean, it's not like his father left us anything else.

Not even the money to bury him with.

Johnny won't sell. Oh, no.

Sentimental value, he says.

Well, let me tell you...

I could use 5,000 sentimental dollars right about now.

The gentleman who came to your door, the collector,

was a tall man, dark hair, about 35?

Not even close.

This guy was 65, if he was a day.

"Mrs. Kaplan, could you tell us about a strange watch

with a little black mouse and two round ears?"

And you swore on your application you'd never done this before.

So this is really about four million dollars in diamonds.

If you believe Kaplan's father-in-law. And I do.

- So what do we do now? - Beat everybody to the diamonds.

Right. And do you know how to do that?

Hey, do flies fly? Does Spock beam up?

Do you know where they are?

I think I can safely narrow it down to a planet.

For what it's worth, I don't think anybody else knows where they are, either.

Otherwise, they'd be chasing them instead of--

Otherwise, they'd be chasing them instead of what?

Us. They'd be chasing them instead of us.

Maddie, if I asked you to do something for me, would you do it without asking why?

- Why? - Withdraw the question.

Let's just get out of the car.

Let's just both leave the car.

We'll rent a car. We'll get a cab.

- Excuse me? - Just get out of the car.

But why?

Nothing to get upset about really. It's just that...

And now, I don't want you to look,

but there is a dead man in the back seat.

There is? How do you know?

I mean, how do you know he's dead?

It's either that or the man wears an obscene amount of blue rouge.

Uh-huh.

Aah!

- Told you not to look. - What do we do? What do we do?

- We walk away. - And leave him sitting there?

Trust me. He won't hold it against us. It's a signal.

Somebody's letting us know they're onto us.

Who?

- I don't know who. - That's it. It's over.

- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about me being a detective.

- Maddie-- Maddie! - It's over! I'm gonna do

what I wanted to do in the first place.

I'm gonna go to the police and give them the watch.

Maddie, you can't do that. You wouldn't do that.

This is my big case, this is our big case.

Watch me.

Pay phone?

- It's in the back. - Maddie, we're so close.

Think about all we found out so far. We are this far away...

Dying! That's what we're this far away from! Dying!

Do you know, I have known you less than 48 hours, and in that time

I've been driven from my home, watched a man die at my feet,

and have another stiff left in my car. I've had it, David.

I don't wanna die with my throat slit or a knife in my back.

- You need a drink. - 911. 911 Emergency.

I'm gonna call the police, I'm gonna give them the watch.

Yes, police.

May I speak to someone in authority, please?

Yes, it's a matter of life and death.

No. No one is threatening me right at this moment.

- Yes, I'll hold. - Here, drink this.

- What is it? - A little Kamikaze to take the edge off.

Maddie, think about what you're doing.

It's gotta be the numbers inside the watch. I'm sure of it.

We figure out what they mean, we can find out where the diamonds are.

- Yes, I'm still holding. - Another Kamikaze for the lady, please.

Are you trying to get me drunk?

Just take the night and think about it.

A good sleep on a nice firm sofa.

- Who are you calling now? - Taxi.

I am not gonna spend another night in that office.

I'm gonna go to the Bel Air Hotel, I'm gonna sleep in a good bed--

Hello, yes. Could I please have the number of Imp--

David, it's over.

Give me that watch.

Bartender, call the lady a cab, will you?

♪ When you just give love ♪

♪ And never get love ♪

I'll call the police from my hotel.

♪ You better let love depart ♪

- You gonna be okay? - Sure.

♪ I know it's so, and yet ♪

♪ I know I can't get you... ♪

- I guess I'll wait for my cab outside. - Wanna dance?

- What? - Dance.

You know, dance. You, me, here.

Now.

Tsk! This isn't a place people--

People don't dance in a place like this.

♪ You took my love and now you've gone... ♪

- Come here. - I'm not gonna change my mind.

I know that.

I just wanna get one dance with you, that's all.

♪ Since I fell for you ♪

This is weird.

Weird, yes,

but destined to catch on, you'll see.

Soon, people will be dancing everywhere.

♪ Love brings such misery... ♪

I don't think I've ever danced in a place like this before.

It's like all the big clubs.

- It's who you know. - It's who you know.

♪ Since I fell for you ♪

Can I ask you something?

Anything. My life is an open book.

I'll discuss anything except me and the president.

Do you really think I'm cold?

- Did I say that? - Twice.

I didn't say that. How could I say that?

You, cold?

I'm burning up over here.

The cab is out front waiting for you, ma'am.

The cab is out front waiting for you, ma'am.

You would have told me, wouldn't you?

If you thought I was cold.

Sure, I would.

♪ Guess I'll never see the light ♪

♪ I get the blues most every night ♪

♪ Since I fell... ♪

For what it's worth,

dead bodies and all, I did have fun.

- Tons of fun. - ♪ Since I fell... ♪

See you later.

- ♪ For you ♪ - See you later.

Yeah.

Later.

Blue Moon Detective Agency.

We'll help you solve your case, we'll help you find your mate.

If it's answers you need, we're eager to please.

From stuff that's been took, to people who rook.

We're on the case with a smile on our face.

We're an agency with class, we really move our--

Oh, my God.

It's her. Look who's here!

It's her!

- Ms. Hayes. - Where is he?

I don't mind telling you just how much all we little people

appreciate your getting personally involved-

Three cheers for Miss Hayes.

Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

- Good morning. - You stole it from me, you rat.

- You look angry. - Angry? Ha!

- What are you angry about? - Why am I angry?

I heard the kids singing when you came in there.

- Good golly, they think... - Listen, pal, you're gonna rot in jail.

- You're gonna love it here. - And then when you're through

rotting in jail, you're gonna rot in hell.

See the office we fixed up for you out there?

Mauve.

- I want it back! Now! - One of my favorite colors.

Can't do that, Maddie. Can't give it back to you.

Now when I'm too close to cracking this thing.

- Can't let you do that to our future.

Our future? There is no our future.

There's my future and your funeral

if you don't give me back that watch.

Now, Maddie, put that down.

You know you're not gonna do anything with it.

Whoa!

Boy, certainly are a lot of unamused people down there.

- You shouldn't have ducked. - Okay, okay, okay.

No more office supplies. Just listen to me.

- I got something better than the watch. - Oh, yeah?

I know how to figure out where the diamonds are.

- How? - It's like I said last night.

The answer is in the numbers inside the watch.

Okay, so I steal the watch from you, I come back in here,

and I start feeding numbers into the computer.

I mean, I don't know what I'm looking for, but I'm so close, I can smell it.

Now the computer starts generating numbers, all kinds of numbers.

Telephone numbers, nothing. Starts generating zip codes.

Now I'm starting to get discouraged. The computer assigns a letter

of the alphabet to each of the numbers and starts to generate words.

- What does the word "poopla" mean to you? - Poopla?

I don't mind telling you, now I'm starting to feel pretty low.

Exhausted, I fall back in my chair.

Delirious, I begin to babble. "Where can the diamonds be?

Where can the diamonds be?" I cried.

Now I'm looking at my globe.

Looking at the globe, and I'm looking at these numbers go by,

these little numbers all over the globe,

and I remember something Susan Kaplan said.

She said her father-in-law was a pilot.

She also said her husband was a pilot.

- Don't you get it? - No, I don't get anything.

Latitude and longitude. That's how pilots find their way.

The numbers inside the watch are latitude

and longitude of where the diamonds are hidden.

The pawnbroker was right. The watch isn't a watch.

It's a set of directions from one pilot to another.

I'm totally lost.

Precisely, that's why we need a map.

- Map room? - In there.

Do you know what you're looking for?

A good woman, fast car...

... and this.

The northwest corner of Ninth and Broadway?

I think this is significant.

The tension mounts, the suspense builds.

So now that we're up here, what do we do?

I say the rocks are in the clock,

and I'm climbing up to find them.

Are you sure?

It's awfully big when you're standing next to it.

Think so, huh?

Hickory, dickory, dock.

- Hey, this isn't so bad. - Oh, really?

Ow!

- No, not really. - Are you all right?

Don't worry, I'll get it.

Men have all these slippery hormones that women don't have.

Makes climbing a lot harder. You know that?

- Nope. - Yeah, the further you evolve from apes,

the less climbing you do and the more of these slippery hormones you get.

Not that women are any less evolved.

It's just that, well, you did come second.

I mean, first there was man and then there was woman.

So I figure we're about...

15 minutes ahead of you guys, evolution-wise.

You believe that?

- Nope. - Good girl.

No!

Pardon me, Mr. Wallenda.

What are you doing?

All right!

You're looking great, kid. I'm right behind you.

Now, don't look back and try and see me.

Just know that I'm right in back of you, and...

yes, I am looking up your dress.

Okay, now I'm up here. What do I do next?

Just do a little boogaloo

out onto the minute hand there.

Look around the number nine.

That's where the hand on the watch is pointing.

Uh-huh.

All right, Maddie. Looking good.

Very impressive.

Aah!

It's okay. Don't panic, don't move.

What do you mean, don't move?

I'll be right back.

Where are you going? Don't leave me up here alone!

Hang on!

Hang on, Maddie!

- David! - All right, stay calm.

Don't tense up. Don't think about what you're doing.

Listen.

We're gonna sing a song now. Here we go.

♪ 99 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ 99 bottles of beer ♪

I don't hear you singing.

What do you mean, singing?

Get up here and get me off this thing.

♪ You take one down, you pass it around ♪

♪ 99 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

Sing louder!

♪ 98 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ 98 bottle of beer ♪

♪ You take one down, you pass it around ♪

♪ 97 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ Oh, 96 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ 96 bottles of beer ♪

Come on, Maddie, grab on to the ladder

and come on down.

I'm afraid to move.

Don't be afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of.

What do you mean there's nothing to be afraid of?

Don't tell me there's nothing to be afraid of--

- Hang on, Maddie! - David, don't let me go!

Hang on tight, Maddie.

Now, listen, I want you to turn around,

and whatever you do, don't look down.

Hang on, Maddie, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Now, I want you to give me your left hand.

Closer, you've gotta get closer.

- You've gotta let go. - I'm afraid to let go.

You gotta trust me, I'm not gonna let you fall.

Now, just give me your left arm.

Okay. Good. Good.

Now, crawl over me.

Watch the jacket!

Good.

David.

Diamonds.

Thank you both, very much.

Be so kind?

Come and get them.

Don't be foolish, young man.

If I pull this trigger and you die,

I'll still have the diamonds.

Wouldn't we both rather I avoid that unnecessary step?

Psst.

Please.

Maddie, a little help.

Like I said, Pop, come and get it.

You gotta be yanking me.

You didn't think I would do it.

Hmm?

You wait 40 years to be rich...

you'll do almost anything.

- Don't do this. - I have no choice.

No!

This is crazy. Don't do this.

- No! - If you please.

No! No!

David! David!

Hold on!

Don't let go.

Don't fall. Come on. Don't let go.

I can't hold on... much longer.

Come on, hang on.

Ohh!

So, what was so urgent?

Well, it wasn't anything really that urgent.

It's just that...

Well, in light of everything

that we've been through together,

I would just like to formally restate my proposition.

You... me... business.

- Sugar? - Three.

- I don't know. - What's not to know? It was great.

It was terrific. We make a terrific team.

With your name and reputation.

I'll just have to think about it.

I get it.

- Cream? - Please.

I know what you're thinking. And I just wanna tell you...

that this case has been a real growth experience for me.

I'm a different guy. I've changed.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking about all the crummy things I did to you.

I ruined your date with Dr. Face Fixer.

Entertainment Tonight. Stealing your watch.

Well, that was the old me.

That was the-- the me

before I realized the value of a partner.

A real partner.

A person you can depend on with your life.

You don't play with people like that.

And you don't lie to people like that.

And you don't put pressure

on people like that.

David, I told you,

I'm just going to have to think about it.

Well, how long do you think you you're gonna have to--

- At least a day. - A day? A whole day?

Heh! Why don't you just think about it now?

Look, I'll go in the other room. I'll read the paper again.

David, it's a very tempting offer,

but I'm just going to have to have another day

to think about it.

A day.

You're right. A day is not an unreasonable request.

A day? A day.

So, what you mean is same time tomorrow, right?

Yes. I guess so.

Yes. I could give you an answer

the same time tomorrow.

- Right here, here we go. - People.

There isn't gonna be any statement today,

but if you could all be back tomorrow

at the same time...

♪ Some walk by night ♪

♪ Some fly by day ♪

♪ Nothing could change you ♪

♪ Set and sure of the way ♪

♪ Charming and bright ♪

♪ Laughing and gay ♪

♪ I'm just a stranger ♪

♪ Love the Blues and the Braves ♪

♪ There is the sun and moon ♪

♪ They sing their own sweet tune ♪

♪ Watch them when dawn is due ♪

♪ Sharing one space ♪

♪ Some walk by night ♪

♪ And some will fly by day ♪

♪ Something is sweeter ♪

♪ When you meet 'long the way ♪

♪ So come walk the night ♪