Original subtitles

SAMANTHA: Isaac, we just got off the phone with the publisher.

They want to tell your story. (gasps)

Provided your story involves you being a vampire.

You got to take risks every now and then.

Ho!

Maybe I'm just attracted to the danger.

I'm the most pious among us.

Who experiences less joy than I?

Who is more severe?

Hi. I'm Kyle.

Kyle's a dumb name.

Well, at least I'm alive. (all gasp)

I can see ghosts. He can see ghosts!

(all scream) ELIAS: Sometimes I even

get to come to Earth as a living human.

You have not seen the last of me!

(laughs) All right, let's go to the zoo.

No. I made that up.

I just wanted to have a private conversation

without the ghosts hearing us.

So, no zoo? Oh, man, I really wanted some Dippin' Dots.

Okay, big news. The publisher just told me

they want to have a big fancy launch party

for my vampire book about Isaac next week.

That's awesome. Here's the thing, though.

The party's in New York, so Isaac can't go.

Ooh, he's gonna be so bummed, which I can relate to

as a man who thought he was gonna see tigers today.

Which is why I'm thinking

we just don't tell the ghosts about it.

But we need a cover story

for why we're out of town that night.

Got it. The Knicks are giving me a tryout

'cause they uncovered some of my old high school tapes.

Swish.

Seriously?

I'm low on blood sugar, okay?

This is why I need my Dots.

Please. We're out already, we got our jackets on...

They got a new baby hippo.

Okay. Fine.

♪ ♪

(camera beeps, clicks)

What's going on here?

Oh, Bela's taking headshots of Jay.

He wants to be ready in case anyone ever wants

to write an article about his restaurant.

Does someone want to write an article about the restaurant?

No. Sadly, he's putting the cart before the horse.

But what he should do is put the horse into the pie,

and then the articles will surely follow.

Just got back from the Windy City.

Hey! (Pete chuckles)

Kyle and I went on a sausage tour.

I spent the whole weekend smelling his kielbasa.

Who's Kyle? And what's a kielbasa?

Kyle's that guy who can see ghosts.

He was just here last week.

And kielbasa is a Polish tubed meat.

You're hanging out with Kyle after he did Jay so dirty?

What? He apologized.

And the number of Livings who can see ghosts

who I can hang out with is very limited.

Oh, Sam, congratulations, by the way.

Kyle tells me the publisher is throwing you

a big fancy book launch party

in Manhattan. What?!

(nervous chuckle) I'm pretty sure you're mistaken, Pete.

What? No. Kyle talked to Bela,

and she told him.

Is that why you're going to New York?

I-I thought it was for Jay's tryout with the Knickerbockers.

Jay, you told Bela about the launch party

and she told Kyle.

I told her off-property. I thought that was okay.

Bela, why are you talking to Kyle?

You have a boyfriend. What?

It never hurts to have someone waiting in the wings.

Eric could get hit by a bus.

Oh, my God. She gonna push Eric in front of a bus.

Will someone please tell me what's going on? SAMANTHA: Isaac.

(scoffs)

The publishing company is throwing

a big launch party for the book.

I didn't say anything

because it's out of town and you can't go.

I didn't want you to feel left out.

And yet, left out I feel.

Like Peter from numerous school dances growing up,

I assume. Hey!

Am I wrong? No.

I'm sorry, Isaac.

That makes two of us.

♪ ♪

PETE: Well, that was one heck

of a House Hunters International episode.

Although the postmortem about how it was filmed

before the hurricane did put a damper on things.

Well, I'm off. I'll see you ladies later.

What was that? What?

Did you just ogle Peter's posterior? You saw that?

If this were a cartoon,

your tongue would currently be unspooling across the floor.

Okay, fine!

I'm hot for Pete.

Ever since that night he and I almost kissed.

Facepalm Two: Peter's Revenge.

That's what we've all been calling it.

I can't stop thinking about him.

He's a dorky travel agent with knobby knees,

but now all I can see is this globe-trotting bad boy

who ain't afraid to show some leg!

(gasps) I mean, Peter? Really?

With those high socks and silly wordplay?

I had a dirty dream about him.

I made him keep his socks on.

Bertie. Promise me

you won't say anything to anyone.

No, no, no, you can trust me, Alberta.

My son murdered someone.

I kept that secret for a hundred years.

I know. It was me.

Perhaps you aren't the best audience

for that particular anecdote, but it does prove my point.

Your shameful secret is safe with me. (sighs)

SAMANTHA: Isaac, I really do feel bad

about the book launch party, so...

I convinced them to do the party here instead.

Surprise!

What?

No one's ever surprised me before.

Except the British at White Plains--

which I deftly repelled with a surrender--

but never anything like this.

I just called the publisher and explained

that I had crippling agoraphobia,

which I was able to back up with a note from my therapist.

Thank you, Thor. You're welcome.

Glad that Thor eating best friend

in some small way help you move party.

But, Samantha, it will still be well-attended up here, yes?

I mean, I'm thrilled to participate,

but I wouldn't want the change of venue

to compromise the success of the event.

Don't worry, Isaac, everyone is still coming.

All the tastemakers,

all the buyers from the big booksellers.

Trust me, it's gonna be awesome.

Of course it is. I mean, the place is looking great.

It's gonna be fun!

And who doesn't like fun?

♪ ♪

Uh, guys...

We got company.

Oh! Hey, Patience.

I smell the devil's presence.

Okay...

Yes. (sniffing)

Yes. Evil is near.

I shall snuff it out.

Patience!

Nice to see you, too.

Who is this lady?

Our editor. She's the best.

Most of her notes concerned things Samantha insisted upon.

She generally loves all my stuff.

Are you sure you don't want us

to throw up some cobwebs or some spooky stuff?

I mean, it is a vampire novel.

Yeah, but this isn't Comic-Con.

Yeah, Jay, it isn't Comic-Con.

This may be a YA genre novel,

but we're hosting New York's literary elite tonight,

and they don't respond well to gimmicks.

That's the tone Sharon uses

when she scolds Samantha for a stray comma,

and she uses a lot of them.

Check out this poster. Isaac wishes.

That vampire would certainly clean up with the ladies.

Kind of like this guy recently.

Oh, geez, I hope it goes well tonight.

I mean, all these VIPs that could make or break the book.

Apparently, there's a lady coming

who has three million followers. FLOWER: Wow.

Bruce only had 32 followers. How big is her yurt?

PATIENCE: The evil is close.

(all gasp) Oh, my...

I can sense it.

SASAPPIS: Patience.

So good to see you.

Uh, how are things in the dirt?

What goeth on here?

Oh, they're setting up for a book launch party.

Isaac and Sam wrote a vampire novel.

What is a vampire?

It's an undead creature that sucks blood

and drains the life force out of people.

This party is to celebrate the undead?

That sounds demonic.

I mean, we're ghosts, so maybe don't throw stones.

Hey, guys. What's she doing here?

What's going on?

I'm talking to the ghosts,

and I brought you over so I don't look crazy.

But there's a Puritan here who lives in the dirt

and has a history of ruining events.

Something brought me from the dirt today.

A presence most evil.

And now that I'm here,

I fear it is this most unholy event

for which you are preparing.

Oh, no, this is just a book party.

(chuckles) There's not gonna be anything unholy happening here.

You guys got to try these deviled eggs.

(gasps) The eggs of the devil!

And lo, they're sprinkled with the blood of the innocent.

Pretty sure that's just paprika.

Listen, Patience... Patience is here?

She's not gonna do the wall blood thing, is she?

Wall blood thing?

That is exactly what I intend to do.

This occult gathering shall not occur. (inhales)

No, no, no. (others gasping, murmuring)

Wait, no. You're right.

The party totally has satanic undertones

that I just didn't see.

But thank you for bringing them to our attention.

We are gonna call the whole thing off right now. Mm-hmm.

Wait, we are? Yes.

Patience is heartened

that you have canceled your event.

And yet,

I still sense a strong force of evil about.

Perhaps I shall remain lest the evil show itself.

Uh, y-you know, maybe the evil you're sensing

is back at the house.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, I've been getting strong evil vibes

from the mansion lately.

You know, it would be great to have an expert come

check it out, maybe do a sweep?

I suppose I could investigate.

Thank you. You're a lifesaver.

Patience will not fail you.

Cool. May I?

Oh, yes. That woman's about to eat the devil's egg.

She will carry his spawn!

(grunts) What the...

Sorry, I saw some shell in there.

(sighs) Another soul saved.

HETTY: Was he making puns

in the dirty dream?

I said I don't want to discuss it anymore.

But yes, there was a lot of talk about his arrow.

(gasps)

Greetings. Oh, God. What's she doing here?

I mean... (chuckles) Hey, girl.

So, guys, Patience showed up at the book launch. Mm-hmm.

And helpfully identified the proceedings as evil.

So with that taken care of,

we thought maybe Patience could help expose

and clean up any evil here

in the house.

Away from the barn.

(gasps) Oh, yeah.

You know, now that you mention it,

that, uh, vase seems pretty evil.

Mm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(gasps)

No. No, I'm not sensing

the devil's hand at play in that vase.

Okay... but-but that.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah, that thing screams evil.

I mean, look at it.

No. 'Tis just a toy.

It seems nothing in this house

requires my righteous intervention.

Perhaps I should return to the barn

to ensure the devilish mirth hath fully ceased.

(straining)

Alberta's been having impure thoughts about Peter.

What the hell, Hetty?!

Wait, what? What?

She's been obsessed

since she tried to kiss him and he face-palmed her.

And it just, it seems really sinful.

And-and-and perhaps something that you could help smite.

He... face-palmed you?

Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.

There is something we can do that shall rid you of this evil.

I'm good. Alberta!

Patience is willing to help you here in the house.

No matter how long that may take.

Fine.

Hallelujah! I'm so excited.

But not too excited, for to be so is a sin.

(lively chatter)

ISAAC: I can't believe Patience.

What did I ever do to her?

Well, you did sneeze and let go of her hand,

abandoning her to the dirt for over a century.

That feral Puritan almost ruined

my book's chances of becoming a bestseller.

And, with the grace of God, a lavish Broadway musical.

(gasps) I wonder if Samantha could get

the Tonys relocated to this barn.

Patience crazy. She find evil in things

as innocent as picnic or orgy.

Point is, sometimes things just good clean fun.

Right? There's nothing evil going on here.

So, what part of the city do you live in?

Mm. Hell's Kitchen.

(maniacal laughter)

Alberta, are you ready to confess in detail

all your most impure thoughts regarding Peter?

Yep, let's get this over with.

But do these two really need to be here?

It's not a Day of Humiliation without witnesses.

A day of what? Come in, everyone! It's time.

Come in. That's it. That's it.

Make sure you can see.

She can't feel your judgment if she can't see you.

ALBERTA: Seriously?

You want me to spill my guts in front of Creepy Dirk?

Why am I being singled out?

He's actually quite an empathetic listener.

In the Puritan community, we believed

that the surest way to rid oneself

of impure urges was to declare them publicly.

All right, let's do it! Let her rip.

(sighs) Okay, um...

Ah, screw it. What the hell?

I've had lustful thoughts about Pete.

(all gasp)

And I can't seem to stop them.

I thought it started a couple weeks ago

when I saw this different side of him.

(chuckles) This "bad boy" side.

But the truth is,

maybe these feelings have always been there

and I just didn't want to see them.

When I first met him, I thought he was nice.

But maybe too nice.

Never the type of guy I would ever go for,

so I kept him at arm's length.

But maybe...

all I was really denying was myself.

'Cause I'm starting to think a guy like Pete

is exactly what I need.

(sighs) But I blew it.

I waited until he had a girlfriend

before I took my shot.

So I guess, shame on me.

♪ ♪

PATIENCE: Yes.

Shame on you.

Shame!

Shame!

Everyone.

ALL: Shame! Shame!

Shame!

Oh, my God, Kyle, get this.

The ghosts brought this, like, Puritan lady back to the house

to distract her so she won't ruin the book launch party.

I just came by the house to grab something,

but I'm heading back there now.

No, no, no. They told her they canceled the party,

but then they just, like, went ahead with it.

Patience hath been tricked?

Uh-oh.

Patience will not stand for this.

Patience! (sighs)

(panicked whimpering) Wait!

I've had impure thoughts about Catherine!

Don't do this, Stuart.

ISAAC: Keep going, Samantha.

They're loving this excerpt you're reading.

"Isaac and his fellow patriots crept onto the vessel

"under cover of darkness.

"The Boston Blood Party was about to begin.

"'No exsanguination without representation,'

"shouted Captain Higgintooth at the Redcoats,

who howled impotently at the moon."

So we're... the werewolves?

I'm having trouble following.

Oh, crap.

"...said Captain Higgintooth

a-as he heaved his barrel into the bay."

We try to stop her, Samantha.

If you won't put an end to this demonic gathering,

then I shall.

(growling)

(crowd gasping, murmuring)

Okay, um...

(growling)

(sighs)

So cool! Right?

(nervous chuckle) Oh, wow.

Oh, this is so cool.

Blood!

Because vampires.

That's clever. (laughs)

Where does the blood come from?

We don't ask that question. There are no good answers.

Huzzah!

(laughing) Yes, stand!

(frustrated groaning)

Thank you! Thank you so much.

(sniffing)

ALBERTA: Nancy?

Oh, oh. Alberta, hey!

I was just smelling a block of cheese.

(chuckles) How'd you know it was me?

I, uh, recognized one of your foot sores.

Oh, yeah, that's a distinctive one. Thank you.

Have you seen Pete anywhere? Yeah.

I think he fled the property.

What? It was right after your Day of Humiliation speech.

He said something about having to get out of here.

And then he just booked it.

Those little twigs can move fast.

Oh, my God. I scared him away.

It was pretty intense.

Not defending the guy, but you laid a lot on him.

I'm such an idiot. Damn it, Alberta.

This is what you get for being vulnerable.

Oh, okay...

There, there?

Sorry, I'm not the greatest in situations like these.

You know who you should talk to?

Creepy Dirk.

He's a very empathetic listener.

(sighs)

To Isaac Higgintooth: Colonial Vampire.

May the sales of this book begin

to remotely offset the amount of money we've lost on ghosts.

Proud of you, babe. SAMANTHA: Thank you, sweetie.

And thank you, Samantha.

Meant the world to see the crowd reacting to our words.

Mostly my words, but you did type them.

(laughs) Jay, can you believe we're here

in your restaurant celebrating my book?

We have come a long way.

JAY: I know, like, we've had our ups and downs,

but it's feeling like everything is starting to click for us.

JILLIAN: Hi.

Just wanted to say, great party.

The book looks really fun.

Thank you. I'm Sam. This is my husband Jay.

He's actually the man I came over here to talk to.

Jillian Klein.

Food editor, New York Mag.

Just wanted to say the food tonight was outstanding.

Oh, my God, thank you.

We've actually been talking about Mahesh

in some of our internals.

Anyway, we'd love to do a cover story on you

and the restaurant, if you're interested.

That's amazing. That... It's literally, like, my dream.

How do you even know about the restaurant?

Well, to be honest, it wasn't really on our radar,

being all the way out here.

But your publicist, he made a really persuasive case.

And he was right. Let's be in touch.

Okay.

(chuckles) Did you sign with a publicist?

Yeah, I didn't want to tell you 'cause I was too embarrassed,

but then I thought, what the hell?

Hello, Jay.

(all gasping) Oh, no.

JAY: Speak of the devil.

Here he is now. Oh, my God!

What's wrong, babe? This is Elias Woodstone.

JAY: What? No.

This is Brent, my publicist. No.

This is Hetty's husband,

who was also a ghost that went to hell

but now apparently has taken human form?

He got a promotion in hell,

and now he can pose as a Living

to reap souls.

He told us a few weeks ago when he popped by.

In retrospect, we probably should've mentioned something.

You think? What is going on?

ELIAS: Your wife is correct, actually.

Although you know me as Brent McAffee,

a hardworking publicist,

I am in fact Elias Woodstone, an emissary for the devil.

No... ELIAS: When you signed the contract

to hire me, in exchange for making your dreams come true,

I secured your soul for Satan.

Seriously?

Jay, you have to read the fine print.

I told you all I would not rest

until I reaped a soul from this house.

Oh, I wonder if this is the evil Patience was sensing.

The little dirt troll was right all along.

So, what does this mean, Elias? Wh-When Jay dies,

is he going to hell? ELIAS: Exactly.

By the way, you're welcome for the cover story.

And it's looking good for an appearance on Kelly Clarkson.

What? No, I want out.

Forget the cover story. I want my soul.

Hmm. Unfortunately, what's done is done.

What's important for you is to relax

and enjoy what little time you have left to live.

What do you mean "little time"?

I-I'm still young. I'm in good shape.

Not sure that true. He mostly Sonic at this point.

ELIAS: Well, you are young,

but we have ways of speeding things along.

(creaking) Look out!

(screams) Oh!

Hmm, rats.

Thought I'd get him on the first try.

Oh, well.

See you soon.

♪ ♪

I'll get you a quote on that.

Alberta...

Pete, uh-uh, I'm gonna stop you right there.

All that stuff I said before,

I was just going along with it to distract Patience.

I didn't really mean any of it.

So if we could just forget it.

I don't want to forget it. I want to talk about it.

Pete, you literally fled the property.

You've been gone for two days.

So let's just move on.

The reason I left was because I had to go talk to Donna.

To tell her that I can't see her anymore.

Because there's something I have to do.

What?

This.

Oh, my.

Lip strength. That's from my oboe days.

So, what did I miss while I was gone?

Well, a couple things.

JAY: Sam, I'm afraid to use the toaster!

Sam? I can't live like this!

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