Original subtitles

Ah, poutine. Gravy and cheese curds on fries?

It sounds nuts, but you can't argue with the smell.

[laughs] I know you can't hear me,

but I'm gonna pretend you laughed affably.

Trente quatre!

Trente quatre!

Uh, oh, is that 34?

Yes. Smoked meat.

Ooh, I was hoping someone would get the smoked meat.

Let me get right in there. [sniffs]

Okay, could you not?

You can see me?

Yes, I can see ghosts. Now, have a good day.

Oh, sure, I'm just going to let that drop.

Are you kidding me? We're going to talk about this.

Not if I leave the property.

Oh, I've got news for you, Smokey.

'Cause of your smoked meat? Hold on. C-Come back.

♪

So, we just sit here

and wait for that branch to fall?

There've been some close calls

over the last decade.

I think we're one fat squirrel away

from that thing coming down.

That's cool.

I saw the Parthenon last week.

NANCY: Oh, hey,

look at you two lovebirds. You guys do it yet?

Excuse me?

Sorry, it's just,

we're betting on this in the basement.

In fact, I've got a parlay going where if you guys boink

and that branch falls before next week,

I get 10,000 back rubs,

so, you know,

think horny.

We'll keep that in mind.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry about her.

Well, her dialogue could use a little polish,

but maybe she's got a point.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I'm saying,

maybe tonight's the night.

Oh.

And just to be clear,

you're not talking about the branch. Oh, Sass.

You don't get to be a 500-year-old virgin

by picking up on clues, okay?

I need things spelled out.

JAY: I just don't get it,

why aren't people coming back to the restaurant?

Well, there was a lot of bad publicity

because of what happened.

- That's crazy. - I mean,

by lightning strike rules,

there's no restaurant on Earth less likely

to have a stripper crash through the roof now.

It's very rude to mention lightning.

Too soon, small man.

Hey, guys.

Uh, Sam,

I was just outside, and there seems to be a Living

about to come in, so...

I don't know, maybe he's a customer.

I don't know anything about him.

[suppressed laughter] Hi, I'm Kyle.

Hi, Kyle, welcome to Woodstone.

Kyle is dumb name.

Well, it matches his dumb back-purse.

Yeah, well, at least I'm alive. [gasping]

Sorry, I...

Pete wanted me to do this thing

where I pretend like I can't see ghosts,

but I can see ghosts.

[laughing]: He can see ghosts.

Wait, what? Seriously?

Booyah! I totally got you guys.

You should see the look on your faces.

This is incredible.

Oh, it's another freak.

THORFINN: Like Sam,

but man. Man Sam!

ISAAC: I actually like your back-purse.

I was just piling on. There's a lot of pressure

for me to maintain my reputation as...

[clears throat] "the funny one."

I thought I was funny one.

PETE: Oh, raise your hand

if you've been paid to do improv at a Sheraton.

Oh, wait, that's just me.

And when I woke up from my coma,

I could see ghosts. How about you?

I was on a roller coaster

and a giant bird hit me in the face.

Oh, my God, you got Fabio'd?

What is Fabio?

Well... He's this model

who was on the cover of a bunch

of romance novels, and he famously

got hit in the face with a goose.

SAMANTHA: It is

so nice to have somebody else

who can answer ghost questions.

I know, it's so cool to meet somebody

who actually knows what I'm going through.

I saw the ghosts once.

That's cool, man.

But then I didn't anymore.

It was just for an afternoon.

And then I became a zombie.

Oh, Jay. He so desperately wants to be a part of this.

So, Peter, where does this scrumptious fellow live?

Oh, you can just talk directly to me. What?

Ghost thing. Ghost thing.

Ah. Ah.

[laughs] Man Sam and Sam Sam say same thing.

But to answer your question, Hetty,

I kind of just bounce around.

It's really hard

to hold on to a job when I have to keep pretending

like I can't see ghosts.

Which is what he was doing during our famous meet cute.

Our smoked meat cute.

[Pete chuckles]

When we met, I was smelling his meat.

Oh.

He says a lot of stuff like that.

Hmm. What's happening?

And he says a lot of stuff like that.

[laughter]

What is it? Why are you guys laughing?

See?

Oh, Jay. [Laughter]

THORFINN: So,

Joan say tonight is the night.

Yep, and she wasn't talking about the branch. I clarified.

Oh, it's so on.

Are you so excited, Sass?

I mean, yeah. I'm a little nervous.

Why, just 'cause you oldest virgin in human history?

TREVOR: Or is it because she's a roamer

and has likely had her choice of history's greatest lovers?

You guys are not helping.

Look, Sass, you have nothing to worry about.

Joan's crazy about you.

And you're going to be, what, one of four

or five people there?

You don't have to do everything.

Just follow their lead.

What? No, it's just going to be Joan and me.

Yikes.

You better bring it, man.

[sighs]

Oh.

Alberta.

Hi. Just got back from the old trip.

Nice hat.

Don't make it weird, Pete.

Are you referring to how you tried

to kiss him and he facepalmed you?

Yes, Hetty.

Which must be especially painful given that

not long ago, you were the one

doing the facepalming,

and Peter was the sad recipient.

I don't think Alberta has anything

to be embarrassed about, okay?

I'm just dating someone now.

But I think you are a swell gal

and a neat friend

who any guy would be lucky to... [Alberta groans]

Please, God. Take me up,

take me down, just get me the hell out of here.

So, I just met that Kyle guy.

Pretty crazy that he can see ghosts, too.

Yeah.

And you're cool with him being around?

Yeah,

I mean... What do you mean?

Well, you know, hot guy...

You think he's hot?

Jay, don't be dumb. You cannot deny

that those are stableboy cheekbones.

Yeah, he's attractive.

But more importantly,

he and your wife have this connection,

that seems pretty rare.

So...

Look, I don't think Sam would ever cheat on you,

but none of my boyfriends

ever thought I would cheat on them.

And yet, I did.

This story ain't helping.

Look, Bela, I trust Sam.

Yes, they have a unique connection,

and his hair's cool,

but, you know what,

truth is, I'm just happy

that she has someone else to talk to

who has this ability.

See, my guy Jay is a sweetie.

JAY: I think it's good for her,

and I don't want to come off like some jealous husband.

Besides, he's only here for one night.

And then Kyle and I are off to Chicago

where he has promised to let me inhale his kielbasa.

He... facepalmed you.

BELA: That's a really healthy

attitude, Jay.

Hey, you guys.

You remember how our last assistant

got scared and ran away

because he thought we had ghosts?

ALBERTA: I remember how he was correct

and you gaslit him to hell.

Well, you know who wouldn't have had that problem?

Kyle!

So I've hired him as our new assistant.

JAY: Oh.

Neat.

SAMANTHA: I mean, it's great. Not only

will he be helpful with things around the hotel,

but he can also help out with, like, ghost stuff.

We are a handful.

Yeah, I'm really excited.

Uh, thank you.

HETTY: So you can make him do anything?

Ask him to rub down a horse.

Again, I can hear and see you.

Well, then it's all out on the table, Kyle.

So go grab a brush and get horsing.

And that is our reservation system.

Seems pretty straightforward.

What makes it really easy,

is they almost never have guests.

Anyway, next,

let's talk about your ghost-related duties.

Right. Uh, they've been filling me in a little.

Turning onthe TV,

opening the shouting window

so that Thor can yell at his son.

Also, going to the supermarket

to buy magazines with Momoa content.

ISAAC: That's the stuff Samantha's

been doing in her spare time,

but now that we have a dedicated servant,

we have other demands.

The special projects.

You're not getting a puppy.

But Kyle will take care of it!

He works for us!

HETTY: We also have an idea

for an aroma we would like for you to maintain.

Oh, yes, right.

What do you mean, maintain? Like a candle?

A perpetually "just out of the microwave" Hot Pocket.

Some are calling it "The Eterna-pocket."

But how would it constantly be

just out of the microwave?

Because, Kyle, every five minutes,

you shall prepare a fresh one.

We, the people, demand pepperoni.

Or, if it's sold out, broccoli chicken cheddar.

Good luck, Kyle.[scoffs]

You must be the new Living who can see ghosts.

Yeah. Hi. Kyle.

I'm Nancy. I died of cholera.

Oh,

but the open sores,

those aren't usually a symptom.

I've come across a few cholera ghosts before.

Oh, sweet of you to notice, Kyle.

Oh, is that a basement ghost?

You talking to a basement ghost?

[laughs] I know about them.

Yeah, Nancy walked in.

NANCY: What we think

happened was that there was

a concurrent outbreak of a flesh-eating bacteria.

See, the pest house

was sort of a mélange of disease.

It does have colorful anecdotes.

Have you ever noticed how the ghosts

are, like, obsessed

with their deaths? Oh, my God,

I know, right? Constantly working it in.

It's like, "How was your morning?

Let me tell you about the Spanish flu."

[laughs]

Wasn't that funny.

And ghosts are always asking you to look up their relatives.

Uh, yeah.

I'm just here to see a movie,

I don't wanna go to Toledo

to find out if your nephew became a doctor.

It's so good to have somebody else

to talk about this stuff with.

Yeah, it is.

[Jay laughs]

The-the ghost boundary, that's weird, huh?

Yeah, like, some ghosts'

deaths predate the house,

but they all have the same boundary.

HETTY: You know what's weird

about the boundary?

[both laughing]

What? What is it?

No, it's just Hetty. It's hard to explain.

Oh![laughs]

[laughter]

Totally! Peanut butter!

[ghosts laughing]

SAMANTHA: Peanut butter!

SASAPPIS: I can't do this.

I'm gonna tell Joan that tonight's off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, buddy.

You guys totally freaked me out.

I mean, I have no idea what I'm doing.

FLOWER: No one knows what they're doing

the first time. First times are awkward.

We'll help you.

Talk to us. What's your plan with Joan?

Well, I figured we'd go to my room...

[imitates buzzer] No offense, but your room

is half-virgin, half-Pete.

The vibes are friendship at best.

I'm going to let you use

my room, aka "The Boneyard."

No one calls it that.

They will if you do your job.

See, now, this is what I'm nervous about.

Like, how do you even, like, start the whole process?

As oldest and most experienced ghost,

Thor will share move that has never failed.

Women like it

when hunk take control.

He's not wrong about that.

In heat of moment,

pick Joan up and throw her on bed.

Yeah?

THORFINN: Trust Thor.

I will demonstrate with Flower.

Oh!

[gasps] [laughs]

But just so you know, once this fuse gets lit,

there will be an explosion.

You guys are welcome to stay.

Yeah, we prefer.

Okay, on that note, I'm going to go,

but thank you, this has actually been really helpful.

Eh, I've got nothing else to do.

JAY: I mean, I get it.

If I met another D&D player

who was a Level 9 Chain Warlock,

we'd have a lot to talk about.

How this nerd has any wife

to worry about is beyond me.

But it's the talking

and the laughing and the inside jokes.

I mean, it's excessive, right?

Especially given how hot he is.

What? I'm agreeing with you.

This is all Pete's fault.

He's not wrong.

How am I supposed to not introduce two Livings

who share this rare gift? I connect people.

That's why I was social chair

at the Kiwanis Club.

Kiwanis. Are those the guys

with the hats and the little cars?

No, that's those frickin' Shriners.

You know what? I can't.

JAY: I don't like this one bit.

And now the guy's working here?

Yeah, this is not good.

I mean, look at his abs.

You looked him up online?

And turned off "safe search,"

whatever that means.

Yeah, I mean, I just wanted to get a full picture

of what we're dealing with.

Wait, is that a mug shot?

TREVOR: This is interesting.

It says here Kyle was convicted of breaking and entering.

He robbeda house.

He spent six months in prison.

That doesn't sound like someone Sam would want working here.

Exactly.

Oh, these two are cooking something up.

You're saying I tell Sam about Kyle's criminal past.

And she sends him packing.

No! Do not deny us our butler.

Not when the dream of the perpetual Hot Pocket

is finally within reach.

All right, let's do it. Let's get rid of Kyle.

Yes, and then Sam will have

no choice but to just settle for the old

"can't see ghosts" Jay.

I'm back in, baby.

So, here we are.

Indeed.

Here... we... are.

Look, Sass, if this is all moving too fast for you,

we can just have Sam, or Man Sam,

put on a movie for us to watch.

No, no, no, no, no. I...

I really want to do this.

You're sure?

I'll show you sure.

Joan, get over here.

This is a different side of you.

Oh, my! [Laughs]

Take me, Sass.

[gasps]

[screams]

[gasps]

Oh, boy.

Hey, Kyle. How's it going?

Great, just got back from the market.

We basically cleaned them out of Hot Pockets.

Oh, you know, I was thinking,

maybe sometime I could scoop the filling

out of one of these things, and put in some baked cod,

and then you got yourself a "cod pocket."

Don't tease Thor

unless you plan on follow through.

Oh, good, everyone's here.

Well, you two, and I'm guessing

some invisible people.

Just so you know, I fought for you.

- What? - Is everything okay, Jay?

Actually, it's not.

It turns out, your little friend Kyle here

is hiding a deep, dark secret.

He's a convicted felon.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about him doing six months in prison

for breaking into some poor family's home.

I brought a criminal into the house.

I'm sorry. But also, it's kind of on you

to do background checks. I'm just a ghost.

Kyle, is this true?

I didn't want it to come out like this.

There was this ghost, Marian,

who intended, on her deathbed,

to give her daughter a locket.

But a winter storm delayed

her daughter's arrival, and so Marian died

without being able to pass on that family heirloom.

Years passed,

a new family moved into the house,

and ghost Marian begged me to get the locket,

which was hidden in the house, and track down her daughter.

So I tried

to talk my way into the house at first,

but to no avail,

and so, one night, I, uh, I broke in.

And I got the locket to Marian's daughter,

but I got caught on the neighbor's Ring cam.

So, yeah, I did some time.

But it was... it was worth it

to-to give an old ghost some closure.

Aha! So he admits it.

This is not a good color on you, Jay.

I wanted to come here because I thought that it would be neat

to meet somebody else who has the same curse.

- Curse? - With those cheekbones,

I'll allow it. KYLE: But I can see now

that me being here has caused some sort of trouble,

so I, uh, I think I should probably go.

[Jay sighs]

What was that about, Jay?

Huh?

What's going on?

Are you jealous of Kyle or something?

No, but I do think it's a little weird

that he took this entry-level job

at the drop of a hat.

He is very jealous.

His being here was going to be good for us.

You know all the ghost stuff

I spend so much time doing?

He was taking that off my plate.

And putting cod pocket on Thor plate.

Yeah, we were connecting,

but it wasn't him trying to steal me away,

it was somebody else who was dealing

with the same thing that I'm dealing with,

which is pretty rare.

PETE: Yeah, we only know of

Sam, Kyle, maybe Fabio.

Whatever. You don't understand.

Ah, Joan, how'd it go with Sass?

Well, he threw me out the side of the house.

Oh, is that an old-timey expression?

No, it is not.

Hey, Kyle, sorry about

all that in the kitchen.

No, I...

I should have disclosed

that I have a record.

It's just, it's an awkward thing to bring up.

Of course. Geez.

What was prison like with this ability?

Not great, Sam. There's not a lot of people

dying peacefully in their sleep in prisons.

Also, the Livings

were kind of scary, and the salad bar

had limited options.

[chuckles] Well,

it was nice to finally meet someone else

who can see ghosts.

It was.

You know, I, uh, I spend so much time

trying to hide who I am.

It's just such a relief to finally meet somebody

that I can be myself around.

I know exactly what you mean.

- Oh. Oh. - Oh, God.

Sorry. I'm sorry, I think I must have misread something.

Kyle, what the hell?

I-I thought we were connecting.

Yeah, we were

connecting, about seeing ghosts.

Yeah, no, I know. I'm sorry. I just, uh...

You don't know what it's like out there,

trying to meet people with this weird thing, you know?

I-I try to hide it and they think I'm insane.

Or I tell them, and they think I'm insane.

Or they're-they're not Jewish.

Look, you'll find someone.

I don't know that that's true.

There's not a lot of people out there

that are willing to put up with this.

I was with someone when I...

when I first got this power.

Somebody I thought was really special,

but she just couldn't handle it.

That sounds hard.

[sighs]

So, do you

just want to Venmo me for the four hours of work?

Uh, you know what, no. It's fine.

Goodbye, Kyle. Yeah.

There you are, slugger.

Joan, I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, come on.

I'm head over heels for you.

Literally. I landed face down

on a family of woodchucks.

See, Thor said I should take control and...

I feel like such a fool.

Your problem is you're trying to be somebody else.

Some cool guy I've never met.

That's not the guy I'm crazy about.

So, you're saying I should just be myself?

Yes.

I should trust my own instincts?

Except for the one that's telling you

to keep talking right now.

Right, I keep making that mistake. I've got to

remember there's a time for talking...

Shut up, you damn fool.

PETE: Hey, guys. Oh!

Not sure when the perfect time to announce

that I was sleeping on the floor was,

but now seems better than later.

You know, for a roamer,

you sure are around a lot.

That's probably true.

Um, but I did catch the tail end of what you were saying,

and I have to agree with Joan. Sass, you are a wonderful...

Pete, get the hell out of here.

Absolutely.

Jay, listen...

Wait, let me go first.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have gotten jealous.

I trust you.

And Kyle seems like a really great guy.

He made a pass at me.

I knew it! I was right!

Oh, I am so angry, but also vindicated,

so I'm a little happy about that.

How far did you let it go?

Blink twice for "all the way."

I facepalmed him immediately.

Okay, why is that everyone's move suddenly?

You start it.

Oh, right. That's true.

Alberta Haynes, trendsetter.

JAY: Let's just put this all

behind us and pretend it never happened.

No, Jay. Listen, I don't want to do that

because this whole thing has just reminded me

how lucky I am to have you.

I know it's not easy

to be married to somebody who has my abilities,

and you're patient and understanding,

and I don't tell you that enough.

Small man

about to be thrown out side of house,

if you know what Thor mean.

I love you, Jay.

I know.

That was Han Solo, Empire.

Is Pete in the room?

No. Oh, well then,

I love you, too.

JAY: Sass and Joan are still up there?

Something's wrong. It's been too long.

Calm down, Jay, this isn't helping anyone.

That's it, I'm going in there.

Flower, no!

They might need help.

This isn't something two people

should do by themselves.

Wait, there he is.

♪ ♪

Well?

Oh, yeah.

[all cheering]

Yeah!

♪ ♪

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org