Original subtitles

[waves crashing]

♪ [upbeat music] ♪

[Paul] Growing up

in New Zealand,

I went with a bunch

of my schoolmates

who were into surfing.

They were diving

into the ocean,

and they looked amazing.

I mean, it - it was difficult

because in some ways

I fancied them, you know,

they were sexy guys.

And I was thinking

this is fantastic,

but I can never

be part of that.

They are going

to have happy lives.

♪ [light pop music] ♪

A few years ago,

I started to make a list

of all the men

I'd met through sex,

and there have been a lot.

Initially, it was just because

I didn't want to forget

so many wonderful encounters.

But then it became

something more.

I began to track

some of them down.

I was overwhelmed when you

told me about this idea,

this crazy project.

I will ask my mum

to take a sleeping pill

before she sees this film.

[laughs]

[Paul] Been strange, you know?

"Hi. We haven't talked,

we bonked fifteen years ago

a couple of times,

um, can I come and do

an interview with you?"

I mean,

you have no problems being,

appearing in this, and...

No no.

There are, there are things...

because I wasn't sure

what we'd talk about,

because obviously,

we met through,

through sex, didn't we?

You know.

-It's all right to say that?

-Yeah. No. Absolutely.

In a way, I love history,

and this was a way

of exploring history

from a very personal angle.

[Paul] As a filmmaker,

I realized that counting down

a hundred of the most

memorable from my list

was a way to look

at how thing had changed

for gay men in my lifetime.

♪ [orchestral music] ♪

♪ [upbeat surf music] ♪

[Paul] Yeah Pita,

as in the bread. [laughs]

The reason he is

number a hundred is,

it's simply when I

started writing this up.

Mostly my countdown

is in chronological order.

But to tell the story,

sometimes it makes sense

to break the rules.

I grew up in New Zealand,

and had recently returned

after many years in the UK.

Soon after getting back,

I went to a sex-on-site

cruise club in Auckland.

I met this fantastic

Maori guy

who was absolutely beautiful.

I mean, he was, mid-30s,

fantastic physique;

he was every fantasy.

We went and had sex,

and I asked him

to come back.

And he said he couldn't.

He wasn't out.

Of course,

I couldn't track him down,

but it got me thinking...

I wondered how much

New Zealand had really changed

since I grew up

here in the 70s.

♪ [organ music] ♪

My parents were

very religious,

a fairly fundamentalist

puritan religion.

I think somewhere around

that time, my Dad gave me

the church book

on sexuality...

and I began to put

two and two together.

I met the next guy on the list,

Mr. Raglan, recently

and he also had

a religious upbringing.

It was a very

simple conflict.

I mean, I knew I was gay

very early on,

and the church

thought that was a sin.

I actually prayed, you know.

-I said,

"God make me straight."

-Oh yeah.

I've got journals of just

heart-wrenching outpourings

of pleading, you know.

Pleading for change

and healing,

and to be better,

and to do the right thing.

And I was literally

officially a missionary;

I came to New Zealand

as a missionary

to work with the church.

-You are originally

from Canada?

-So, I'm from Canada.

I grew up in

a small farming town,

population five hundred,

village,

Brethren church community.

So, my upbringing, my social

life, was church and family.

♪ [light piano music] ♪

[Paul] I was sixteen when

I first plucked up courage

to go into a dirty bookshop.

He actually wouldn't

even be on the list,

if it weren't for the fact

that it was the first.

It was certainly not

memorable sex.

There were some

contact magazines...

so I wrote a letter

and agreed to meet

someone in a motel.

It was terrifying.

I'm thinking, "God, am I going

to go through with this?"

For a period,

right after the first time,

I thought,

"Okay, it's a phase.

It'll be fine."

And I was determined

to become straight.

There was very

little alternative,

something I found talking

to others on the list,

like a journalist I met

in the UK some years later.

There was nothing out there.

There was literally

nothing out there.

I remember there's a, I,

my parents didn't have that

many books in the house.

But, um, they did have this

awful Pears Encyclopedia

from about 1967,

and I used to look at it

all the time

for the definition

of homosexuality.

And it talked about

homosexuality as a disease

that could be cured

with electric shocks.

[Paul] What did you do about it?

[laughs]

I -I tried to seduce

all of my

school mates, obviously.

Um, and-and

successfully actually,

with quite a few of them.

[Paul] One of the teachers

giving a talk,

it was in a sex

education class,

he came up with a theory

that you could always

tell homosexuals

because they strike matches

away from themselves.

And I was sitting

in the class thinking,

"Do I strike matches towards

me or away from me?"

I'm not quite sure.

Jones is one, you know.

Yeah, you can tell.

He strikes matches

away from him.

[clicks tongue] What's

that supposed to mean?

I dunno.

Read it in the paper.

Nah.

They are not all like that.

Some act normal.

You might be one.

Yeah I know.

Give us a kiss. [laughs]

Fuck off.

[waves crashing]

[Paul] I'd heard about a beach

where gay men went cruising.

Met somebody there,

and had sex with him

there on the beach.

That was when it really

started to get heavy

because I then knew

this wasn't just a phase.

I entered a world

of clandestine cruising,

meeting people in parks,

beaches, toilets.

This strange world,

it's like a subterranean

culture that exists.

And that becomes

in itself quite exciting.

♪ [upbeat rock music] ♪

I was still going to school.

By this time, I'd been made

a deacon in the church.

I was getting very

little sleep. [laughs]

And it started to spiral

out of control.

It was around that time

that I thought, "Right,

I'll give my life to God,

he'll make me straight,

and I'll go off

and become a preacher."

So, I headed off to a seminary

run by the church.

Did you believe,

did you have faith?

Because I actually went off,

I actually went off

to become a preacher.

-I went to,

I went to a seminary.

-Yeah, yeah.

And I looked into going

to bible college as well.

[laughs]

-[choir singing "Deep River"]

-♪ Deep river ♪

♪ My home is over Jordan ♪

[Paul] I was

at the Church Seminary

for about eight months.

It was a boarding place,

and to be absolutely honest,

I nearly went mad.

I started to hallucinate.

♪ Oh, don't you want to go ♪

I just thought,

"I don't want to go mad.

I don't care about

being straight anymore,

I don't care about what

other people think of me."

And I certainly decided

that I was not interested in

becoming a preacher.

♪ I want to cross over ♪

♪ Into campground ♪

A lot of the people

we talked to, myself included,

the religious aspect,

in terms of, being gay,

caused us huge problems.

Was that the case

with yourself?

No, actually not.

Um, my, um, my father

is a Methodist minister,

my stepmother is

a Catholic ex-nun.

Um, but they are both very

liberal, socialist tree-huggers.

Um, when I came out to them

in a letter at fifteen,

ah, I also told them

at the same time

that I'd started smoking.

And I got a letter back saying

how devastated they were

about the smoking, and they

didn't care about the gay.

[Paul] When I got back

from the seminary,

I went to a sauna and started

meeting interesting people,

like James.

-[whistle blowing]

-[game-related chatter]

[James] I know.

It's that name, ah,

after a breakfast cereal.

[Paul] Who came up

with the name?

Well, there's two teams.

We're Cheerios, and the

other one is called Fruit Loops.

So, we are, kind of, like,

the cereal brand of gay men

that play touch on

a Monday night here, Paul.

[Paul] Did you always

know you were gay?

Yep...

had sex with

the neighbor's, ah,

neighbor's, one of the brothers.

There was five brothers

next door.

Must been about

eleven or twelve.

He must have been about

thirteen or something.

And I got a feeling

my parents knew I was gay,

but they didn't want

to believe it either.

Especially, you know,

in my twenties

when I used to bring home

a dear friend.

They used to call them.

"Oh, that's James' friend."

These were older European men.

So, you know,

ten years older than me.

[Paul] So, if you knew

you were gay,

why did you get a girlfriend?

Fuck, I wasn't gonna...

I wasn't gonna tell

people back then, ah, Paul.

I wasn't going

to let them know.

Why?

Oh, probably because

the people I was with,

you know, um...

people like me...

street people,

gang people.

[laughs]

[Paul] Your father said

he used to beat the living

daylights out of

people like you.

Brogan, a friend

I've met more recently,

also comes

from a tough background.

[Brogan] My father has

always told me that,

you know, be a man,

get a girlfriend, get a job.

I suppose in a way

it was to, kind of,

scare me to go straight.

[David]

Living in a council estate

wasn't the easiest

thing in the world.

[Paul] You said

you came out at fifteen.

-Was that to everybody?

-Yes, yes.

[Paul] And how did

that go down in Burnley?

[David] I spent most

of my life at school

being chased around

the corridors being called,

"Poof, poof, poof,

poof, poof."

Ah, but so did my sisters,

so I don't think they quite

understood the word.

[Chris] I mean,

one of the consequences

of that problematizing of,

of sexuality is it,

ah, is it emotionally retards

a lot of gay men, I think.

Because a lot

of that exploration

we should be doing publicly.

Falling in love,

breaking up,

having the fights,

having crushes,

all the stuff that our

straight friends are doing,

we can't do publicly.

And I think there is certain

emotional retardation.

Ah, a lot of stuff gets delayed

until the twenties or,

or late teens, which, um,

which is a shame really.

[Paul] I met a guy who

used to make beautiful rugs.

He was quite a lot older.

I was seventeen,

and he was probably

in his forties

and lived by himself.

And it was quite

sad in a way

because he loved me

coming round,

and it wasn't even

for the sex,

it was just the fact

that I'd sit and talk to him.

And I thought this is sad,

and I thought,

"This is my future."

The other person I met

at the sauna was Douglas.

Douglas told me

that he was working there

to earn money

to continue his dance work.

In those days,

he was just starting out.

For some reason that,

that stuck in my head,

and over the years,

I managed to follow his career.

♪ [jazz music playing] ♪

Didn't ever talk

to him since.

I tracked him down,

and I told him what

I was doing and said,

"Look, I'd love to come

and interview you."

So, he said, "Yes"

and we did an interview.

The Victoria Spa.

[Paul] That's right.

And...

I can remember that.

And I can remember it

being very physical,

and your beautiful body.

And it was like you were

the dancer in Victoria Spa.

So, you stuck in my mind.

But obviously, you, I mean,

so I remember it. [laughs]

I don't remember. [laughs]

I'm sorry.

[Paul] [laughs] That's fine.

I think dancers

punish their bodies.

They all seem to smoke,

and they all seem

to take loads of drugs...

and certainly Douglas, I think,

lived life to the full,

and is very honest about that.

[Douglas] I moved in

drug circles mainly

when I was a teenager.

And most of the men in those

circles were heterosexual.

So, I'd have crushes on them,

but they'd stick

needles in my arm

but that's all they'd

stick into me. [laughs]

[breathing heavily]

[Douglas] I went to Sydney

and became a heroin addict,

and I came back to New Zealand

quite broken,

and met Malcom then.

[Paul] Was it love

at first sight?

Mmm.

Malcom, not only pulled me

out of using heroin,

he asked me a question,

"Is there anything

in your life

that you've ever

wanted to do?"

And I could remember

that the only thing

I'd ever loved was dancing.

[Paul] I also fell in love,

and that changed everything.

He said, did I want

to come home with him.

I'd been back

to people's places,

but I'd never

stayed the night

and Ian clearly wanted me

to stay the night.

He lit loads of candles,

cliché though that is. [laughs]

I was in love.

We did everything together,

and he took me to a gay club,

and that was a revelation.

-[disco music playing]

-♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ My heart is full of love

and desire for you ♪

♪ Now come on down

and do what you've got to do ♪

♪ You started this fire

down in my soul ♪

♪ Now can't you see

it's burning out of control ♪

[Paul] I was happy,

I was so happy.

And I did the whole thing.

I came out,

which shocked everybody

at the time. [laughs]

♪ Good loving can set me free ♪

Did you actually come out

at any point, is that...?

[Chris] Yeah, oh God.

Yeah.

I wrote this awful...

story about Christ's

crucifixion

where I kind of compared

myself coming out to Christ,

and honestly...

I mean,

it's embarrassing now.

But it felt, I mean,

the agony of coming out

at that time was, was terrible.

[Paul] My parents persuaded me

that I should go

and see a psychiatrist,

because in those days

it was considered a disease.

So, I went and saw

a psychiatrist,

and he wanted to put me on

some experimental drug therapy,

which I think

was a form of LSD.

I should have tried it.

[laughs]

I would have been, yeah,

around twenty-nine, thirty,

that I would have,

"come out."

I think I finally

blurted it out,

I think it was, like,

the night before we got married.

And I said, "Oh by the way..."

[laughs]

I mean, despite how fraught

it might have been,

or how difficult,

or the lack of understanding,

or what we were honest

or not honest about,

that urge to follow God,

you know,

to do that thing

that you think is just

the right thing

to do so strongly,

you kind of go

against all logic.

[Paul] Because I was in love,

I had the strength to come out.

I didn't care

what people thought,

because I just wanted,

you know, I was, I was happy.

The problem was,

in some ways,

I'd never experienced

anything like this before,

and I think I smothered

our relationship.

After about six months,

Ian said,

look, he wanted to break up.

And I didn't

understand the reasons,

and I was heartbroken.

I decided it was time

to see the world

and go on an adventure.

I got to London

beginning of 1979.

I got a job in a restaurant

washing dishes

and started to explore

this huge city.

♪ [up-tempo rock music] ♪

It was the tail end of punk.

I went to clubs,

and saw amazing acts.

[David] Punk rock

was a huge thing

and that absolutely

saved my life

because it became glamorous

to be different, basically.

So, instead of people

chasing me round going,

"Poof, poof, poof."

They chased me around going,

"Punk, punk, punk."

And then started coming in

and asking if they could

join in my group.

[Paul] Soho was the

red-light district of London.

It was a fantastically

exciting world.

I'd read about

all the characters in books.

I'd read Gean Genet;

I'd read William Burroughs.

You know, they'd written

about drag queens,

they'd written

about gangsters,

they'd written

about rent boys,

and, you know, I was

suddenly at the heart of it.

♪ [pop music playing] ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ It's right tonight ♪

[Paul] Nowadays, the sex

industry is mostly online.

Recently, I thought

I'd try paying for an escort,

especially when I saw

a porn model

advertising his services.

Before our interview,

I realized

I didn't know

anything about Ben.

First off, Ben, and I, I'm

assuming Ben is your real name.

Yes. [laughs]

Which, which do you enjoy

more, escorting or porn?

Um, probably

escorting, definitely.

So, porn is,

porn has its moments.

I think promotion

in porn is fun,

but when you're

actually filming it,

it can be a nightmare.

How hard to you think

it is to get a group

of gorgeous people

in a room and fuck?

And you'd be surprised.

[laughs]

[Paul] As I said, my list

is mainly chronological,

but I want to talk to Ben

at this point in the story,

because my first

paid job in films

was also in

the porn industry.

When I got to England

I had no money,

I was trying

to get into films,

and I was sort of editing

just round the corner

here in Soho.

I wandered into

a gay sex cinema

that was just downstairs,

and I got talking

to the owner.

He used to be tipped off

by the Police

-when there was a raid.

-Okay.

And in those days,

they weren't allowed

to show anybody coming.

So, he used to pay me

to cut out all the cum shots

before a raid.

Then he'd bring them all up,

and I'd put them all back.

[laughs]

Eventually, he sort of said,

"Look, do you want

to work the weekends?"

So, I ended up working

in a gay sex shop in Soho.

♪ [funky music playing] ♪

There was a little front bit

with magazines.

People would come in,

they'd look at the magazines

and mostly they'd pay,

you know, five pounds,

and they'd go out the back.

And out the back,

there were 20-odd seats,

a little projection booth.

It was packed, thirty,

forty people

crammed into

this little place.

And it was mainly

an excuse to have sex.

Do you think gay men

are too fixated on sex?

Ah yeah, definitely.

[laughs]

I don't think sex is the

most important thing though.

What is the most

important thing, then?

Um, well, having someone

that you care about

or having, you know,

ah, the people around you

in your life,

you know what I mean?

Good friends, um,

you know, your friends,

or like your family.

[film projector whirring]

[Paul] I mean, there were

all sorts of crazy people

that came in.

There were, sort of,

mayors that would draw up

in their chauffeur-driven

limousines,

there were arms dealers

from abroad,

there were lawyers,

there were gardeners,

doctors, accountants...

The accountant,

the reason he's on the list,

is he had an enormous dick.

[laughs]

It's funny because

I've met several accountants,

and they all seem

to have enormous dicks.

I don't know why.

And the other thing is,

I stayed the night with him,

and the next morning,

I remember it was the wedding

of Prince Charles and Diana.

♪ [orchestral music playing] ♪

We started watching

the wedding,

and got distracted

and ended up having sex

while they were, the wedding

was going on in the background.

So, it was quite

a memorable scene.

I actually managed to get

a bit closer to some

Royal action

shortly after this.

He told me, when I asked

what he did for a living,

that he was a senior member

of the Royal Household.

I sort of fancied him,

but when he suggested

that I could come back

and stay the night at his place

at Buckingham Palace,

I thought, this is a chance I,

I've, I've got to say yes to.

So, I was terribly excited.

Sadly, it was

a bit of a letdown,

because we went into

this little tiny side gate,

and he had a small room

with a single bed.

I did stay the night, and I

can remember, in the morning,

we had a cup of tea,

and he had a mismatched

cup and saucer,

which I thought was

somehow totally wrong

for Buckingham Palace.

-[ska music playing]

-♪ The air was thick

with a smell of oppression ♪

♪ The military joined

with angry position ♪

♪ The tension tight

with the strain of repression ♪

♪ Young blood boiling

hot with aggression ♪

♪ Jah war ♪

[Paul] There was a skinhead

I remember called Joe,

Joe the skinhead.

I met him in this

ridiculous little custom

that used to exist.

Basically, in trains

they had those little

private carriages.

-Do you remember those...?

-Oh, where the doors

open and, yeah, yeah.

-And people literally try

and have sex between stations.

And this guy Joe, who

was a very sexy skinhead,

used to, sort of, ride round

the trains all day long just,

you know, it was completely

bizarre but, um...

[Chris] I didn't meet Joe.

Wish I had met Joe, actually.

Joe, Joe sound great.

♪ Jah war ♪

♪ Fighting fighting ♪

-♪ Jah war ♪

-♪ Too close frightening ♪

[Paul] As the 80s wore on,

I found I was meeting

more and more gay skinheads.

[Chris] I was part of that.

I mean, I loved it.

I mean, I shaved my hair off

as quickly as I could.

Ah, you know,

Bomber Jacket, 501s,

Doc Martens,

piercings, I loved it.

It was a fantastic image;

I was a complicated image.

Because it wasn't too long

after the whole National Front

kind of revival, and there

was definitely a politics

lying underneath it, yeah.

There was

a subversion going on

of a, of a,

of a neo fascist image.

[Paul] He came in,

he was about eighteen,

very good looking,

and in fact,

had posed as a model

for some of the magazines

that we sold in the shop.

And when he came in,

I recognized him,

and thought, "Wow.

You've been in one

of those magazines."

And what was even nicer

was he came back with me.

As part of this,

I went back to try and find

the magazine

where he'd appeared.

This is a box

of magazines from the 70s,

which have been pandered away,

and to be quite

honest with you,

the time has come

when they've got to go.

[Paul] Okay.

I don't really

want to put them

into the waste paper bins.

I'm sure the waste

paper bin sorters

will have a bit

of fun with them,

but I'd rather not.

[Paul] The guy, Ian,

my friend, was actually,

I think he was in

the Zipper Magazine.

[Alan] Well, there was

nothing in the magazine

that you could object to,

I mean, young men

in very large, voluminous,

ah, swimming trunks,

that you couldn't have seen

the outline of a cock

even if you had wanted to.

It just wasn't there.

[Paul] I didn't find

the magazine with Ian in it.

But it did give me

some free porn.

And the search gave me a chance

to meet one of the men

at the heart

of gay publishing.

[Bell] This magazine?

That was the one?

-[Paul] So, that's the actual

very first Him magazine?

-It is.

And that was the start

of the real commercial side

of gay magazines.

We got distribution

through W.H. Smith's

after a huge battle.

[Bell] We were printing

at that time

sixteen thousand eight hundred

copies each month.

On issue Number 8,

the police took the whole

lot from the printers.

[Paul] Why?

[Bell] It had an article

about a masseur

who was a rent boy.

[Paul] So, this is not even

for a picture they seized it?

No.

The magazine

had pictures in it.

-[Paul] Right.

-[Bell] And, and, ah...

But at the time you couldn't

put nude pictures in.

At one stage in 1976,

we were actually raided

every single week.

[Paul] Did you get angry

about it?

[Bell] I think it was more

a driver

in so much as,

"You can't do this."

What right have you got

to come to seize magazines

'cause they're gay?

[Paul] The cinema club

was also raided lots of times.

When the owner was arrested,

I actually ended up running

the cinema club for a bit,

and paying protection

money to the local mafia.

Once a week, I would meet

this gangster character in a,

another Soho pub.

We literally went

into the toilet

and I would hand him

a brown envelope with

five hundred pounds,

a thousand pounds.

Suddenly I would be

with all these characters

that looked as if they'd

stepped out of some

crazy gangster movie.

[police sirens wailing]

There was

a genuinely dark side

to my time

at the cinema club.

[film projector whirring]

The real thing that

bought it home to me

was the death of one

of the rent boys

that I got to know.

He used to come into

the shop quite regularly,

he would bring his punters in,

do them out the back.

We had a bit of

a play one time...

Sadly, he stopped

coming to the club.

[film projector whirring]

And, then, a few years later,

ah, I was reading a book

about the murderer

Dennis Neilson,

and discovered that

he was one of the victims.

Dennis Neilson killed

sixteen young gay men.

Nobody noticed

a serial killer was at work.

And in fact, the only way that

he was eventually discovered

was the fact his drains

were blocked with body parts.

How can sixteen

people just disappear?

Not even a missing

person's report.

I'd like to think

that couldn't happen today.

I don't know.

I stopped working

in the sex shop

when I got work

as a real film editor

and I started to explore

places outside London.

♪ [electronic music] ♪

One night, I went up

to a club in Birmingham.

♪

[Paul] I looked at John,

and I guess it was just

love at first sight.

John, we'd only met

three or four times,

and he'd come down

to London.

And suddenly I said,

"Look, come and live with me."

He wasn't sure, and he came

down just to sort of

wander round for a day

to think about it.

And I didn't know he was

coming down to London.

I got on the Underground,

and he was sat opposite me.

He just said that

was obviously fate.

The following week,

we got a little flat together.

For the first time, I was

in a domestic environment.

I, I think I went

and bought recipe books

and tried to cook dinners

and things like that.

[Paul] How did you actually

meet your partner?

He was on a tube train

and I was on a tube train,

and we, I followed him home.

Wow. [laughs]

My father,

one morning said to me,

"Are you mixed in

with this homosexuality lark?",

and I said, "Yes."

And he said, "Well, why?"

And I said, "Well, that

was the way I was born."

And that was the end of it.

But my father, he always said

about my partner, Colin...

"You got a good one

there, mate.

Don't you screw it up."

[Paul] For the first few

months, it was absolute bliss

and wonderful,

and we were in love.

And then the difficult question

of monogamy reared its head.

Hampstead Heath was

literally on our doorstep,

and Hempstead Heath is

probably the most famous

cruising ground

in the United Kingdom.

-[Paul] Monogamy...

-Yeah. [laughs]

[Paul] Do you think any gay

gay people can be monogamous?

Um, they can,

but generally, I think it's more

healthier in a relationship,

because generally I think,

like, guys are guys,

and lots of guys have trouble

keeping it in their pants.

So, I think it's best

to be open about it.

[Tom] What really made me

come to London

was because

I discovered the park.

So, that became my

social life a little bit,

-but it also became

my sexual adventure land.

-Yeah.

[Tom] These kind

of cruising spaces,

you just go down

to what you really feel.

[Paul] Eventually John

confessed

that he'd been up

on the Heath,

and I was hurt and upset.

I decided, well, if he's going

to do that, then I should.

And I went up

and met a guy there.

He was a little short guy,

hence Little John.

It turned out he was

having a party that weekend.

And I told John about it,

and I was honest.

And I said how we'd met,

and I suggested that

maybe we should go

to this party together.

We met lots of friends,

we had a really good time.

It somehow made the

infidelities less painful,

and it just somehow led us into

a much more relaxed attitude

to the whole idea

of an open relationship.

[Paul] If you meet a guy,

do you expect it be monogamous?

[laughs]

[Raglan] The whole idea

of monogamy,

that's based on that

heterosexual marriage model

that you partner in this way,

and this is the purpose

of the relationship...

to do that.

Whereas, you know, there's this

incredible liberty and freedom

and exemption as a gay man

and in gay

relationships to have,

like, why do we

have to model that?

It's not relevant.

[Paul] John had met Richard

on Hampstead Heath.

And became a good

friend of both of ours.

Richard was from

the North of England.

He'd grown up

in a mining town,

and he'd left school

when he was quite young,

and he joined the Navy.

And he was very much

a Navy boy, you know,

God, Queen and Country.

Except for this one slight

problem was that he was gay.

[Richard] There was this

organization called the SIB

that was specifically, ah,

targeted gay people,

ah, in the Navy.

And if they admitted being

gay or if they were caught

doing gay things,

whatever they are,

they were kicked out.

It was like

an internal police force.

-Is that right?

-Yes.

Because you were still

in the Navy when we met,

-weren't you?

-Yes, yes.

Yeah.

And I remember all that and...

I just couldn't take the whole

Navy thing seriously really.

Well,

I, I remember actually,

one of the first times

I met you, Paul,

you referred to my

uniform as my costume.

And all these years later

I've not forgotten that,

that comment.

[laughs]

And I, I was amazed

at how paranoid you were.

Yes, because you never

knew when the SIB

would come knocking

at your door, basically.

Yeah, I mean,

that people were thrown out,

-weren't they?

-Yes, yeah. All the time.

Overnight they

lost their friends,

they were outed

to their families,

they lost their income,

and very often they were halfway

through a three-year training,

and they were just

thrown out unceremoniously.

Pretty brutal.

♪ [ska music playing] ♪

[Chris] I was cruising

one night

on Clapham Common

in the 80s,

and I remember

watching this man,

he must have been about

seventy-five, even eighty,

trying to run across

Clapham Common.

This gay old man,

chased by a Police van

that was hunting him

for sport.

[police siren wailing]

[Paul] I'd never been

that involved

with the growing

gay rights movement,

but when Channel Four

launched in 1982,

I saw an opportunity to

make a program for gay people,

and plunged naively into

the world of gay politics.

This was the, ah,

headline that I saw

on the front page

of the Daily Mail.

An MP had demanded,

as a result of our

little program,

that Channel 4

be taken off the air.

[Paul] Anything gay seemed

to cause controversy back then.

When we were able

to publish nude photographs,

the angle of the dangle...

Explain that to me.

[laughs]

Ah, how to put it on film...

if a certain appendage

was more than a certain degree,

it was obscene.

[Paul] The angle of the

dangle, is that...?

Oh, absolutely.

It was very important.

And you always cut it off

on the way up,

not on the way down.

[Paul] I went on to make

several other programs

for this new channel.

♪ [upbeat rock music] ♪

[screams]

And, of course,

invariably some of the people

I'd met through sex

became the subject

of these programs.

I wandered into

a very early leather bar

and there was this young guy

who had very piercing eyes.

He told me that he

was a furniture maker.

[Paul] What sort of things

do you make?

Anything.

Anything from torture

furniture for prostitutes

to really nice beds

and tables

for people to eat

food off of...

and sleep in and fuck in.

[Paul] Okay. What, the camera

is about to run out of film.

And my beds don't creak

either while you're fucking.

[Paul] It's probably, as a piece

of documentary film making,

the thing I am most proud of.

I was really enjoying the work,

and it was also fun

to live with John.

We went down to New Zealand

to visit the folks.

On the way back,

we stopped at San Francisco.

It was a revelation.

[Paul] I remember arriving

in San Francisco,

and this was, like,

the early 80s.

I went to a place

called Castro,

which was a gay ghetto,

and it, it blew my mind

in the sense that

I'd never seen a place where

everything was gay.

The signs, the bars,

the coffee houses,

you know, the bank,

the people behind

the counter were gay.

Would you like the idea

of a gay ghetto?

[laughs]

I don't know,

if it's a ghetto then it's,

ah, I don't know,

I feel like that still would

have been pretty dangerous.

It would've been like a...

It, I mean, it wasn't.

It was completely, it was...

that was the beauty of it.

[Mike] I don't know

if I'd want to live

in a gay community, like,

that it's just gay people,

because, ah, I want to,

I want to make friends

because they are friends,

not because they're gay.

[Paul] During the early 80s,

London began to develop

its own gay ghetto

around Soho

and Old Compton street.

Around this time,

John and I moved into a flat

in the center of town.

[Paul] One afternoon,

a tourist with blue shorts

followed me home,

and we ended up having sex.

We had a spare bed

downstairs, and I said,

"Look, I live with

a partner upstairs,

but you are welcome

to stay here."

So, I went upstairs and John

had heard the doorbell,

and wanted to know

who it was.

To which John said,

"Well, is he cute?"

and I said, "Yes.

Do you want to go down

to check him out?"

To which John did.

And he came back about

an hour later and said,

"Yes, he was very cute."

And I think that was

the point at which we decided

that the open relationship

was no threat

to our friendship and love.

[Paul] He said he was

twenty-four,

he had a huge cock, and...

not sure whether

I really believed this,

but I said, "Come over."

Then he said, "Look.

I've just got one thing

that I should warn you about."

He said, "Um,

I like wearing diapers."

Sure enough, he had

an adult pair of diapers.

Though, when he

brought out a large dummy,

I decided perhaps

this wasn't for me.

Near where we lived,

I discovered a little

afternoon bar,

called the Market Tavern.

One of the DJs

who played there

was just stunningly

good looking.

In reality, I think, the only

reason he wanted to talk to me

is because I was

suddenly in television.

When he suggested

going back to his place,

I leapt at the chance.

Very sadly,

about two years later,

he became ill and died.

[Tom Brokaw] Scientists

at the national centers

for disease control

released the results

of a study which shows

that the lifestyle

of some male homosexuals

has triggered an epidemic

of a rare form of cancer.

[Douglas] At the time,

in Manhattan,

the AIDS virus,

it was a whisper

rather than a resounding,

kind of, tidal wave

that it became.

And I ignored

that whisper and,

yeah, went wild really.

[David] I was celibate

at that point

because nobody knew,

nobody knew whether even kissing

was a problem, you know.

So, because of that,

you know, just, I just...

kept it in my pants,

basically.

[Paul] By the mid 80s,

the idea of safe sex,

the use of condoms,

was absolutely

starting to take off.

And I got involved,

and had done some

safe sex adverts,

and certainly started

to practice safe sex.

I came out into a world

of condoms and fear, you know.

That was my reality.

I was terrified

of being fucked for years.

But I think a lot of us were.

We came out utterly terrified

that we were gonna get ill,

that we were gonna

be infected,

that we were

gonna infect others.

[Paul] There was a little

bar that I went into

in Charing Cross.

I'd been there for an hour

and saw a guy looking at me,

and he was very cute-looking.

I asked him, did he

want to come back with me?

He said, "I'd love to,

but just been told

I'm HIV positive."

He expected me

just to walk away,

and I didn't.

I said, "Look, it's

obviously got to be safe

but I'd love you

to come back."

I don't really

remember the sex.

I remember him crying,

that's it.

He just wanted to be hugged.

His parents didn't

know he was gay,

none of his friends

knew he was gay.

He had just been told he had,

at most, a year to live,

and at twenty-two,

that's not an easy thing

to come to terms with.

[Paul] You said you were

diagnosed as HIV positive

in 19...?

1990, February 1990.

What did Malcom say?

His main thing was that,

he wanted to die

before I died.

He didn't want to live

when I, while I was,

if I wasn't alive.

And they gave me

eighteen months to live

at that time.

[David] I had to wear

black quite a lot.

There were a lot of funerals,

a lot of funerals.

[Chris] And it was all down

to us naughty gay people.

[Paul] Yeah.

And that fed into prejudice,

I mean, I remember

some of the Daily Mail

and the Sun headlines.

Yes. Oh, yeah.

Which actually suggested

that perhaps an island

off the coast of England

should be set up

for gay people to be put on.

[Chris] Certainly there

was a lot of comment

in so much as we should all

be in prison or sent away

and packed off onto a ship

in the middle of the Atlantic.

[Margaret Thatcher]

Children who need to be taught

to respect traditional

moral values

are being taught that they have

an inalienable right to be gay.

All of those children

are being cheated

of a sound start in life,

yes, cheated.

[audience applause]

[Paul] Margaret Thatcher

had introduced Clause 28

in 1987.

Clause 28 banned any

talk of homosexuality

in any educational environment.

It was a very negative

piece of legislation.

[Chris] The outrage

that people felt,

that here we were in the middle

of this atrocious epidemic,

and instead of our government

treating us with compassion,

it chose that

moment to attack.

And I think that pushed people

out of their comfort zones

and onto the streets.

♪ [soft violin music] ♪

[Paul] Clause 28 was

one of the many issues

that caused huge

upheavals in Britain

during Thatcher's time.

[Chris] The public hatred

towards gays and lesbians

was really at its zenith.

[Paul] What were you doing

personally at this point?

[Chris] I left uni in '88.

Most of my friends went

into the city or into law

or into very, very,

very well paid jobs.

And I went and worked

in a brewery. [laughs]

I kicked around

for about a year,

and then, ah, actually got

a job on a gay paper in London,

Capital Gay.

-[Paul] I think this is when

I met you through the paper.

-It was through, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.

-I think I was still.

Capital Gay.

And it was brilliant,

you know.

I wanted to be a journalist.

I'd wanted to be a journalist

since I was a kid.

And I was very out

and very politicized,

and it just allowed me

to put the two things together.

I think in the past,

there was more ability

that if we felt something

very strongly, we could

have more influence.

[Paul] I met Gary

around the late '80s,

before he was with

his partner Norman.

[Norman] When I came out in,

you know, the '70s,

it felt like there

was a possibility,

you know, through

gay liberation,

of having an alternative

lifestyle and culture.

[Crowd] If you're gay and

you know it, clap your hands.

[Norman] I remember taking

part in a program

about gay men in Newcastle,

and it was like we were

a separate species.

You really did

expect Attenborough to come out

and, sort of, say...

[Voiceover] The city at night,

a time when some people

feel free at last

from the harsh daylight

realities of their lives.

The only time when they

can reveal their true selves.

They are homosexual.

He asked me whether

I was gay, and I said, "Yes."

I didn't see any point

in hiding it.

[Paul] Norman and Gary

have quietened down

a little bit nowadays.

They still love

a good night out,

though perhaps not for

three days in a row.

[Gary] Now, I think,

how on earth did I fit

the time in to do that.

Go out on a Thursday night,

and then I used to work on

a Friday and a Saturday.

And I think, well,

how the hell did I do that

and still have a life?

[laughs]

[Paul] You tell me, Gary.

That is something I just need...

[Gary] I've had,

I've had a ball.

I've had a ball.

♪ [upbeat club music] ♪

When we had the old bar

systems and all those,

it was much more underground,

and so on,

-there was much more

a mixture of society.

-Yeah.

[Gary] So, it'd be more

likely that a guy who

was just an ordinary

council job

would meet somebody

who was into opera.

[Paul] I met all sorts.

French Steve,

a Hungarian guy

who was a Philosophy Student,

Vinnie who was a singer.

And Graham

who was an actor

and became a successful

theater director.

[Graham] From the age of eight,

I knew I wanted to go

into the theater.

I was the Artful Dodger

in Oliver

for the local amateur

theater company.

There weren't many role

models for gay people around.

We had Larry Grayson

and we had John Inman.

We had very camp

and affected gay men.

I woke up this morning

and I felt as limp

as a Vicar's handshake.

[audience laughs]

[Graham] I remember

my stepfather and my,

and my mother sitting

watching the television

and then saying

how disgusting gay men were

when it came on

to the television.

My gay self has

been very tricky

because I was sexually

abused for many years,

since age from fourteen.

Stepfather was abusive,

and was never able

to tell my mother about it.

So, I came into

a world of feeling

very ashamed of who I was.

The man who was abusing me

telling me it was disgusting;

really mixed messages.

So, by the time

I'd gone to drama school,

I was a real bag of confusion.

But, a year into that,

I met a very lovely man

who has become a very

successful actor now,

um, had my first

proper gay relationship.

So it was

liberating in many ways.

But I still carry

a sense of shame.

[Gary] For most of my work,

I had to really

seem to be not to be gay.

The reason I started

my own shop is because

it was made very clear

to me very early on

in my career that not

being a straight man

would have not been

acceptable within my career.

It would have reached a ceiling

and that would have been it.

Now there would be a lot

of people in what I do

that would argue with that.

But I'm absolutely sure even

now that still is the case

because I think that despite all

of the legal equality we've got,

there's still a psychological

inequality which still exists.

[Paul] In 1996,

combination therapy

provided the first real hope

for thousands of people

living with HIV.

Sadly, for many

it was too late,

work colleagues, people

who'd been in my documentaries,

the Market DJ,

Little John;

the list goes on and on.

[Gary] Part of history

of the '80s and '90s

was very much dealing with

people being sick and dying.

And...

it affected me very deeply.

I lost, I lost some

very very close friends.

Dealing with so much

death so quickly was,

was very, very difficult.

[Chris] At that point London

was on the gay side,

was very stiff and uptight,

and lots of leather clones

and techno music,

and back end of disco.

And I remember Heaven,

one night a week it was

allowed to have house music.

♪ [house music playing] ♪

Then about two in the morning

they would open the door

between this little

side club off Heaven

and we'd all kind of

go out into the main club.

This horrible clash

of civilizations,

like old gay, new gay.

It was, nobody knew quite

how to dance with each other.

[Paul] By the mid '90s

there were new gay clubs

that catered

to the rave culture.

The scene in London was

suddenly famous worldwide.

♪ [house music playing] ♪

The Canadian used to come

over for a weekend of clubbing

and then crash at my place

before flying back to Canada

Monday morning.

Another weekend visitor

came from Paris, a dancer.

Of course, like all dancers,

he had a fantastic body.

It was a scene that I never

got heavily involved in,

but a scene that John

met a friend,

and they started

going out clubbing,

and it started to put

pressure on our relationship.

I started to explore

other worlds.

Derek and Rob were in

an S&M relationship.

There were lots of games.

It was good fun

and it was exploring

all sorts of interesting

things sexually.

It was adventurous and

certainly different for me.

♪ [house music playing] ♪

He liked toys, and it was

the first person I'd ever met

who liked toys.

And then the Dublin Boys.

They were another threesome,

great fun.

[Graham] Until, ah, the age,

I was twenty-eight,

I was in monogamous

relationships that failed,

failed, failed, failed, failed.

So, when I got to twenty-eight

I just, well, fuck this.

I'm going to just

be promiscuous

and enjoy the sex,

you know.

Was that fun?

Oh, my Lord, yes.

It was, [laughs],

like another world.

I think I'd repressed

my sexual feelings

because, um, dirty gay

promiscuous men,

I didn't want to be one

of those, you know, oh, no.

When I was able to just

have sex for the sake of sex,

it was liberating.

Of course it was liberating.

But ideally I would

like to be monogamous,

but I don't know

if that's realistic.

[Paul] At this point,

John and I really had started

to talk about breaking up.

Underneath it all, I think we

both still loved each other,

but it was clear

that we were arguing,

and there was tension,

and it just wasn't working.

So, I shifted out.

It was a very low point.

Do you want a boyfriend?

-Probably.

-All right.

-But love,

Cupid has to,

shoot his arrow through

your heart, [laughs],

and through the other

person's heart as well

at the same time.

If that doesn't happen then...

[Paul] But you have

been shot in the heart?

-Yeah.

But not in the way that I,

you know, you,

you start finding faults

in past relationships,

and you think,

was that really love?

[James] Let him go, didn't I?

[Paul] Why did you two

break up?

God, [sighs],

I was too controlling,

ah, kind of insecure, really.

We were just too

good looking together, ah,

-[laughs]

-Okay.

[Paul] I wanted to get

away from it all

and decided to go

and visit Blackpool.

I asked him what

he did for a living

and he said that he did

bare-knuckle fighting,

which, of course, is illegal.

He suddenly asked,

did I want to see some videos

of his fights.

As the night wore on,

he kept insisting to me

that he wasn't gay,

and then he almost

looked at me as if,

waiting for me

to correct him.

It was an evening that made

an enormous impression on me.

I decided that this could be

the start of a film,

and I went on to spend the next

ten years developing a story

around the fighter

that I'd met.

I missed John terribly,

and I still loved him hugely.

I guess I was lonely,

and I started to experiment

with all sorts of crazy things.

♪ [electronic music] ♪

He messaged me

that he had a slave,

was I interested?

And sure enough,

he had this guy with a mask on.

He had a thick Russian accent

and had bottle of vodka,

which he downed half of it

through the course

of the morning.

Most weekends seemed

to entail some aspect

of experimentation,

clubbing, or drugging.

I didn't go

totally off the rails.

Maybe it was the hope

of getting back with John

that stopped me plunging

into some of the darker

scenes out there,

like the Muscle Man.

I started chatting

on the phone

and I realized we'd met

a couple of years earlier.

He said, "Oh, I've changed

a little since we met."

And he had.

He'd bulked up,

become really muscly.

He also lit up

a crack cocaine pipe

and wanted to be

hurt for real.

He wanted to be hit,

he wanted to be tied up,

he wanted to have

cigarettes put out on him.

He wanted unsafe sex.

It was scary.

[Graham] I think we were lucky

because it was

before the drugs

became an inherent part

of what, you know,

it wasn't chem sex.

We'd have a joint,

wouldn't we?

And that was lovely

and even relaxed us.

But I'm really glad

that I was born when I was,

because I think, because I have

so much pain,

which isn't as bad

as it used to be,

but I think I'd have really

got into terrible drugs

and sex and, kind of,

got lost along the way.

[Paul] You've said at the

time you had a problem

with alcohol and drugs.

Do you think the hassles

you were having over

accepting being gay

fueled that?

Yeah.

It wasn't all of it;

it was part of it.

I ended up committing a crime,

and ended up in prison

during the Christmas period.

And it was probably at my

lowest time, you know.

Um, drugs were

scarce in there,

and I was walking around

and I was thinking, fuck.

Twenty-six-years-old, Paul,

big time crook

with all these other guys

just like me, you know,

thinking that this was neat.

[laughs]

And I, kind of, knew, just

knew that if I didn't get out,

it was gonna be this for

the rest of my life, really.

It was one of our

video afternoons.

We all got our cushions

and our bags,

and started lying down,

watching these educational

videos on addiction and um,

they had these three

short stories

that were twenty minutes each,

and in the middle,

the middle story was called,

ah, "Gay, Proud and Sober."

And we were lying down,

watching.

And just before the

"Gay, Proud and Sober" came on,

one of the men got up

and fast-forwarded it.

"Wait until the next short

movie. We're not watching

this 'Gay, Proud

and Sober' thing."

And we all knew

it was the next one.

And I was fuming.

And I just got up,

and I rewound the movie

and played it, and it just

went silent. [laughs]

Went silent and ah, the next

day in group, I just told them.

I just told the group, and...

[coaches whistle blowing]

[Karl] I think the conversation

has shifted a little bit.

It's like,

"We know you're gay,

we don't care that you're gay,

shut up about it."

Um, so, it's like, you know,

like, there's those, there's

these really weird messages

that are still

being sent these days

that's just still

perpetuating that idea

that we can exist,

but not be seen or heard.

Being visible

to people is actually,

I think, a really, like,

large part of your identity.

and sharing your

identity with other people.

[Paul] I am shocked that,

on the one hand,

you know, amazing changes,

I'm also shocked

at listening,

and I've interviewed

some young people,

and there are times

I'm thinking, hang on a sec.

I could have been saying

the same thing twenty,

thirty years,

forty years ago.

I'm looked down upon,

I'm frowned upon,

because I'm something

that everyone else

doesn't want me to be.

[Paul] I'm still inundated,

to be honest,

with people, the lowdown,

people who seem to be

leading double lives.

-People who are married.

-Yeah.

People whose profile

says they're straight,

and they've only got,

like, a picture of, that.

And when I asked him,

"Why does your profile

say you're straight?"

And he's like,

"I am straight.

I just like

having sex with men."

I'm like, "Yeah right."

[operatic singing]

[Paul] When I started

working on this documentary,

I thought, well,

I've got to track down

some of these people.

Panos, opera singer.

There can't be many.

I knew he was Greek,

[operatic singing continues]

You came to London, and it

was to do ,study at, ah...

Trinity College of Music,

yeah.

Classical singing, opera.

Now If you were about to ask

me about what my experience

was from that time,

one of my harsh time

I had in my life was,

it was there.

And it was because

I was stigmatized as gay.

[singing opera]

It came from a very close

person who was putting me up

the first year of my studies.

I told her,

"This is my boyfriend,

this is my life,

this is what, who I am."

And,

she called the college

to say that I'm gay.

And I was kicked out,

evicted from her house,

and stayed homeless.

When the landlady

found out you were gay,

she chucked you out?

You know, you have rage

when they,

when they kick you out

of who you are,

and especially if you have

your loved one next to you.

[singing scales]

[Paul] Luckily Panos found

the college were supportive,

and they found him

some alternative accommodation.

[vocalizing]

[Panos] The most happy

moment of my life,

because at that time,

I could fulfill my dream

which was to finish

my studies.

[Paul] As a new century

approached,

there was real progress

in the struggle for equality.

But hatred continued

to fuel atrocities,

such as the bombing of the

Admiral Duncan in 1999,

which killed two people.

And I continued to meet many

people leading double lives.

Around this time, I discovered

a strange little phenomena,

telephone chat lines.

[dial tone humming]

This anonymous world

was full of closeted men

from all over the country.

A Cornish fisherman,

an Aberdeen oil rig worker,

a First Division Footballer

from up North,

But there are dangers

of meeting people

off the phone line.

One day, he came out

of the bathroom

with a gun in his hand

and put the gun at my head.

He was basically robbing me.

He was very agitated;

he was a totally

different person

to the person

I'd had sex with.

He smashed a phone

and yelled that,

if I call the police,

he'd come back

and kill me,

and left.

I did call the police

straightaway,

I remember the police sergeant

asked how I'd met this guy,

and I was

a little bit hesitant.

He just was very clear

and said, "Look,

we think we know

who this person is.

We're not making

a moral judgement.

We just want

to catch this guy,

because he's done it before,

and we want to stop him."

[police siren wailing]

I was surprised that

the police were so supportive.

I remember thinking at the time

that things

really are changing.

I was even offered

victim support counseling.

[Chris] In so much as ten years

after we were actually raided,

I was actually sitting

on a committee

of the police force

actually talking about

policing the gay community.

When Admiral Duncan

was bombed,

I was actually

invited to come in

and talk at Scotland Yard.

I actually did a number of

talks in local police stations

about equality and diversity.

[Paul] I just recently filmed

London Pride,

and all of the Armed Forces

had representatives there,

bands marching.

Did you ever think you'd

see something like this?

No.

I thought that

would be impossible.

[crowd cheering]

The thought of

military people

being open about

their sexuality

is to me, it's

actually incredible,

because now they can

get on with their jobs

and do the things

that they love

and serve their country

without the overhead

of having to worry

about the SIB

or, you know, [laughs],

or the Naval patrol.

[Norman] Clearly there are

legal changes that happened,

but in terms of those

changes having an impact,

it was really through

the examples of individuals

coming out to families,

coming out to friends,

that really did

make the cultural change.

[Paul] I got over

John completely.

It was very strange.

For many nights, I found

myself dreaming about him,

and then one night those

dreams suddenly stopped.

Literally the following week,

I got a letter

out of the blue from John

saying how much

he missed me.

And if you know

anything about John,

he doesn't even like

using a telephone,

let alone writing.

And he said, "Well, we should

meet up for something to eat."

And I said, "Definitely."

And before too long,

John and I were back together.

[Richard] You and John,

when I met you,

you helped an awful lot,

because you were

completely comfortable

about who you were

and about your sexuality

in a way that would

have been unthinkable

for me to be at that time.

[Paul] You made a decision

to leave the Navy,

Yeah, just because I

couldn't stand the stress

of it anymore.

[Paul] Richard ended up

in Australia

after going back to University

and doing a science degree.

It was a whole new life

and he flourished.

Now with a PhD,

he's a highly-respected

research scientist.

He also soon

met someone special.

So suddenly now free

to explore being gay, and you...

-Yes.

-Mmm.

[Paul] How did you find that?

Was it fun?

[Richard] It was, it was

great fun.

And I think it was only

six months after I joined

the university,

I met Kevin, my partner.

Things really did

change then because,

you know,

I was able to be myself

and form a relationship

with somebody that I loved.

[Paul] I knew love

had to be part of my film

about the fighter,

but was struggling

to find the other character.

One night, I started

chatting to this young,

very sexy-looking guy

whose name was Lee.

And he told me that he

was a singer in a boy band.

♪ I want it all

and I want it right now ♪

♪ [pop music playing] ♪

[Paul] Sure enough,

about a month later

he was on Top of the Pops.

♪ I'm not crying,

now I'm climbing ♪

[Paul] I remember even,

he used to ring me up,

and he was on tour with

a couple of other boy bands...

[fans screaming]

...and he'd ring me up, and

say, "There's all these girls

screaming outside my hotel."

And I would jokingly suggest

that they were

wasting their time.

It was after meeting Lee,

that I suddenly thought

the other central character

for the fighter film

should be somebody

who works in the

music business.

They were mouthy bastards.

Well, so they deserved

a good kicking then, did they?

They kept calling me queer.

For fuck's sake, Craig,

that's what you are,

a queer.

Just deal with it.

That's it, is it?

Deal with it.

Got a magic wand,

have you?

Look, me coming down here don't

mean everything is just sorted.

Yeah well,

carry on like that,

and nothing will get sorted.

Just want the easy life,

don't you?

What do you think

I should do then?

Start putting the same crap

up my nose as you.

[Paul] It was picked up

by a distributor,

and the first screening ever

was at little festival,

a little gay festival,

in Turin.

There was a guy who

worked in the box office

of the festival,

and we went back

to my little hotel.

A fantastic experience

of my first film really

making the cinema,

and it was great to share

it with someone.

Touring with the film

was a great to meet people

all over the world.

There was the

Munich sauna boy,

a black man in Seattle,

in San Francisco,

a dancer,

a New York

high-flying banker.

You travelled, didn't you?

I went to the biggest

club in Scandinavia,

the Scandinavians

Leatherman's Club.

Great. I thought I was

going to get abducted.

[Raglan]

And it was going away,

overseas to Brazil.

Then the real fullness,

wholeness,

whole being,

started coming through,

and I thought, "Hey.

This feels really good."

And so I both went off

and sought Christian healing

to deal with the

"homosexual issue" in my life,

and then I was also wandering

the streets of Amsterdam

trying to connect with that.

So, both were happening

at the same time.

Back and forth, bang bang.

[Paul] The television company

I was working for

opened a Sheffield office

and offered me

a chance to run it.

It was a northern

industrial city,

and spending a few years here

forced me to re-think

many of my ideas

around sexuality.

The fireman, he was

straight out of a porn film.

He'd tell me about the fires

that he put out that day,

and he liked

being screwed,

and then he had to get

back to his girlfriend,

And then after

about the fourth time

of him coming round,

he suddenly said,

would it be possible for him

to bring round

some lesbian porn?

This sexy, sexy fireman

liked being screwed while

watching lesbian porn.

I have no idea

where his head was at.

I distinctly remember thinking,

there's no such thing

as bisexuality.

I've changed my mind.

I hasten to add, [laughs],

and thoroughly enjoyed,

thoroughly enjoyed

changing my mind.

But-but, I can remember...

Was that a confession, Paul?

[Paul] Ah, absolutely.

I completely

and utterly thought, "Right,"

[clears throat],

"I'm gay.

I, you know, I'd never

had sex with a woman,"

freaked out

at the whole idea,

Met this guy who was married,

who kept saying,

"I've told my wife

all about you

and she wants a threesome."

And, finally after

a long period of time,

I thought, this is ridiculous.

What am I

so scared of, you know?

I can truthfully say, I think

I was more nervous at that

than I have been

on anything recently.

[Paul] She knew that I was

technically a virgin.

And I think we roared with

laughter about all of this,

and, in a way, that was

what made it exciting for her.

It was after meeting

this couple that I realized

sexuality was a much

more fluid thing

than I've ever imagined,

and it was a wonderful

bisexual I met in Sheffield

who really taught me this,

Brian.

We'd go clubbing together,

and he loved Mozart

of all things.

♪ [Mozart playing] ♪

We ended up in all sorts

of crazy situations,

and I remember one

weekend Brian came down,

and we'd actually

just taken an ecstasy pill,

and this married couple that

we'd seen a couple of times

texted us out of the blue

saying that they

were in a hotel,

and they had

somebody tied up,

did we come and join them?

So we did.

♪ [Mozart continues] ♪

He was a lovely guy,

he was interesting,

he was vibrant,

and he had some dark demons.

He suffered

from depression, and...

he had been abused

as a child,

and this had left huge scars.

♪ [Mozart continues] ♪

Over the years,

he had his ups and downs.

He tried to kill himself

a couple of times.

He eventually got

a quite good job,

and he ended up with a nice

circle of friends in Sheffield.

♪ [Mozart continues] ♪

[breathes heavily]

Yeah.

He didn't,

he killed himself,

And it was, it was, it was sad.

It was really sad

because I'd seen him

about a week

and a half earlier,

and I think the saddest thing

is he, and there was,

funnily enough, a performance

of Mozart's requiem.

♪ [Mozart continues] ♪

And I was working really hard,

and I was exhausted

and I said, "Look I just

can't make it but, you know,

you go and enjoy it,

and we'll meet up in London

when you next come down."

♪ [Mozart continues] ♪

My memories of Brian are

somebody who was vital

and wonderful

and loving and kind.

♪ [Mozart continues] ♪

I tried to track down all sorts

of people from the past.

I wish I'd been

able to find them all.

I even tried

to resuscitate old phones.

Sadly, I've lost touch

with a lot of them.

But one person I did

manage to track down

was Janusz from Poland.

So the old town, it's...

[Janusz] It's, it's

actually the young town.

[laughs] Right, okay.

Of course, it was

destroyed to the ground

during the war.

It was rebuilt,

but in a different way.

This old city

we can see today,

is a little bit artificial.

[Paul] I went with Janusz

and one of his friends

on a pride march.

It was much more reserved

than London's march,

but still wonderful to see.

Obviously, things have

changed a lot for gay people

in New Zealand

and in London.

Have they changed much

for gay people in Poland?

I think, yes.

People for sure

are more open.

Most of them,

especially the young people,

they are not frightened,

scared about talking about

their sexuality.

[Paul] You're openly gay?

-Yeah, I'm openly gay.

-I mean...

Your parents, they, they know

your gay?

Yeah, they, yeah,

my parents, my family.

Of course

they don't accept it, yeah?

I'm sorry for that.

And that's a bit sad

story about my life.

[Paul] And now, I mean,

you're are in a relationship,

-aren't you?

-Yeah. Yeah.

We met on Starbucks. [laughs]

That's, yeah, that's kind

of romantic story, yeah.

How long have you two

been together?

-Eight years.

-Eight years,

and that's, you're happy?

Yeah.

We are happy.

It's like the old couple,

old marriage couple right now.

We've got dogs,

so we've got kids actually.

-♪ True love ♪

-♪ Is what I feel for you ♪

-♪ True love ♪

-♪ I need it so bad ♪

♪ True love ♪

[Paul] Marriage?

Are you married?

Yes.

[Paul] Why did you

decide to get married?

Um, well,

we love each other.

That's, that was,

that was part, part of it.

[laughs]

[Norman] A major,

major part of it. [laughs]

[Paul] Would you

ever consider it,

if you met the right guy?

I've actually got

a scrapbook at home

with it all planned out.

[laughs]

[Nathan] We watched

the legalization,

you know, when they did it,

and we went to the gay bar,

and sort of,

watched it on TV.

And then afterwards

you did, you said,

you know, "Do you

want to get married?"

-Do you remember?

-Maybe.

[Gary] But it's also about

becoming acceptable

within the straight society is,

you're part of a couple.

You become part of a,

of a group of people

who've made a commitment

to each other.

So, amongst straight people

suddenly you've become

almost more acceptable.

[Sean] If you want

to get married because

you truly love an individual,

and you want a symbolic

solidification of that love,

then that's fine,

that's important,

you should have the right

to do that.

But if it's just to, like say,

"Hey, we're just like

everybody else,

we're respectable

upper crust society,"

no, that's bullshit.

-♪ True love ♪

-♪ Come on now, baby ♪

[Alan] Colin and I were

the first couple in Somerset

to contract a civil partnership,

and in actual fact,

I think we beat Elton John

by a couple of seconds.

We both felt something

had happened,

but we couldn't explain what.

But the wonderful thing was,

the number of people,

a small town in Somerset, people

come up, and said.

"Oh, well done.

Oh, I am happy for you."

That wouldn't have

happened once upon a time.

[Paul] I have a brother

and he had bought

a property in New Zealand;

an old colonial house

that he wanted to convert

into a Bed and Breakfast.

The idea came up

that perhaps John,

who'd always wanted

to live in New Zealand,

could go off

and give that a go,

and see if he liked it.

So he headed off to,

of all places, Rotorua,

this little tourist town,

and I was left in London.

I wondered if a long-distance

relationship could work.

[Paul] How long were you

with Colin?

[Alan] Fifty-plus years.

[Paul] What's the secret?

[Alan] We learnt to love

one another.

And you go from lust,

to love,

to very good friendship,

very deep friendship,

and then to pure love.

And it's in that last year,

and his bed was

at the end of my bed,

I think it was when you realize

what you are going to lose,

my God, you didn't

want to lose him.

You shouldn't ask me

questions like this.

[Paul] It was interesting

talking to Alan.

He'd been with his

partner for fifty years.

I guess you have to be lucky to

find the right person for you.

I was lucky

that I'd found John,

It's a strange

relationship we have.

But having him there in the

background is really important.

When he was back

in New Zealand

and I was in London,

and it suddenly,

it seemed more important

to spend time with him

than keep chasing

some crazy dreams

of making movies or

yet more men.

[laughs]

So much to my amazement,

I headed back

to New Zealand.

♪ When I wanna

See right through you ♪

♪ Flyin', highin',

Freddy voodoo ♪

♪ Lucid dreaming

Magic wonder ♪

[Paul] New Zealand

had changed completely

from the country I'd left

thirty-five years ago.

There was suddenly

a thriving café culture,

there were radio stations

that played Kiwi music,

there was a real sense

of its Pacific identity.

And of course, rugby, it's

still the national religion.

But now there was

even a gay team.

When Gavin and them

wanted to make up a team,

I came out of retirement

just to play in my thirties

and it was great

because I've always played

for heterosexual teams.

-[Paul] Things have

changed hugely.

-Yeah.

[Paul] And nowadays

everybody is equal,

we have gay marriage.

Is it necessary to have

something separate?

I personally wouldn't be

involved in a sporting team

if it wasn't for

a team like this.

Growing up closeted

or completely afraid

of my sexuality,

you have, I guess,

this idea of what it means

to be a gay man,

and it's a world apart from

somebody who plays sports,

particularly rugby,

you know?

Like, I guess, I just grew up

under the assumption

that people like me are not

liked by people like that.

[Paul] And I think one of the

things that's interesting is,

over the years you can roll up

in a totally strange place,

and get to meet people

who live there very rapidly

because you're gay,

and you are meeting them

for sex, socially.

But they often do

become friends.

♪ [rock music playing] ♪

[Paul] Steven was someone

I met in a sauna years ago.

He's now a very good friend.

He's a designer,

and it's always fun

to go round to his place.

I arrive, and find him

turning a painting

from some well-known

New Zealand artist into fabric

that clothes the body

of his friend Alibra Fleur

for some exhibition downtown.

The joy of being gay

for me growing up,

is being an outsider,

and I embraced a world

of outsiders.

Oh, yeah.

And I still live like, I mean,

look around you,

I mean, I still

live that way now.

I'm a fringe of a fringe.

I'm not even part of

the mainstream gay community,

I'm on fringe of that even.

[Paul] But that's

what is lovely.

I mean, your place,

and coming down here,

and spending

the time down here.

-That's what's so lovely.

-Yeah.

[Paul] I found New Zealand

was now full of people

who explored sexuality

in their own way.

There was a guy

at the cruise club

who liked wearing overalls

while he was having sex.

I even made out

with gay farmers.

He owned a large dairy farm,

and would occasionally

just come up to the city

to meet guys for sex

at the cruise club.

I kept in touch

with him for a while.

One of the things that

I realized coming back

to New Zealand is zero

degrees of separation.

I went on NZ Dating.

This quite sexy young guy,

it turns out he was a musician.

♪ [rock music playing] ♪

He said that he was

in a relationship,

but it was

an open relationship.

And that was fine,

and he said,

"Oh, you know,

what do you do?"

And I said, "I work in

a television company,

editing and making films."

And he said, "Oh, my

partner does as well."

And of course,

it was where I worked.

I guess for me the whole thing

with an open relationship is,

that it only really works

if I'm told.

Otherwise it's just,

sort of, this weird secret,

and makes me

feel sort of icky.

[Paul] I was certainly

very worried

about coming into work

the next morning.

You know, people say they

have an open relationship,

but it's not always true.

And Nathan, he just immediately

diffused the situation

by saying, "Oh, you met

my partner last night."

So I thought, phew!

I do find there are lots

of young gay couples

who somehow desperately

want to have the sort of,

what I call the picket fence.

Well, I flatted with

a couple of guys like that,

and we quite literally

had a picket fence

and two dogs.

And it was very

much that sort of

clean living, responsible

member of society kind of...

[Nathan] And that's something

that, in all fairness,

heterosexuals have

to deal with as well.

You know, you have girls growing

up watching Disney films,

so they have this image of the

prince and the princess thing.

And that's a lot of what

I think homosexual culture

is now sort of

aspiring towards,

the sort of

rom com conventions.

Oh yeah. You see that.

You see it.

Guys saying, "Oh, where's my

prince in shining armor."

It's like, "Who the fuck wants

a prince in shining armor?"

♪ [orchestral music playing] ♪

[Tom] Now when I was eighteen,

I did believe that.

I did believe that

the first person

that I would fall in love with,

and I did fall in love

with a person, you know.

The feelings you have

at that moment is okay.

This is going to last forever.

You're just not realistic

about these things.

It's something that

can't be maintained I think,

I believe.

Simon and I

started out open.

For the first three years,

we had an open relationship.

One of the problems was

that I just started

to get very jealous.

Said to Simon, "Hey, I

think we should close it off

and be monogamous."

And he said, "Okay, then.".

And that's been the case since.

[Paul] So, it is

possible for gay men

to have monogamous

relationships?

[David] It is possible.

it is possible.

Just about.

Maybe a little bit of show and

tell at the gym once in a while,

but that doesn't count.

As long as you don't touch,

that's the thing. [laughs]

[Tom] Then you have

the other side,

like, where it's just

so business like.

Okay I'm this,

I'm that, I want this,

and I want that.

Come over here now,

satisfy me,

there's just no heart in it.

[Brogan] Yes, Grinder.

Yeah no, I must have,

like, uninstalled,

reinstalled it, like,

at least over a good hundred,

maybe a thousand times.

[laughs]

Grinder,

what do you think of Grinder,

out of interest?

It's a bit too addictive.

[Paul] He popped up

sixty yards away,

and it turns out he's

shifted into the apartment

right next to mine.

So, he wants to come

round when he's horny,

but, ah, he's young,

and he wants it too many times.

[laughs]

[Gary] The internet

has come along,

which has changed

the way people meet.

The bars have gone.

I think we have lost,

lost a lot,

and we've

gained other things.

[Richard] As a consequence

of having gained acceptance

to some extent, we have,

we have lost something.

I think the heterosexual

community has made us them.

They've homogenized us into

the way that they do things.

[Sean] The Castro has basically

turned into Gay Disneyland.

You know, they have

fuckin' rainbow

crosswalks and all this shit.

And you have

people coming in and,

"Oh. Let's gawk at the gays.

Let's go do this and that."

But it's, we're, our sacred

spaces are being

completely eliminated

as a result of that.

[Norman] The sense of

community spirit and identity

that was there twenty,

thirty years ago

has slowly dissipated.

[Chris] We had

a ghetto for a while.

Partly that was

a defensive posture,

and partly it was great fun.

But one of the things

we're gonna have to get used to

in a culture which has decided

that we are now all equal

is that we possibly can't

live in that ghetto anymore.

[Sean] The Stud has actually

been one of the oldest

gay bars in San Francisco.

They just announced

they are going

to have be closing their doors.

You have The Gangway,

which was the first gay

bar in San Francisco,

they have to close

their doors this year.

The Lexington closed

their doors last year.

The gay culture in the city

really is eroding.

[Paul] Do you think it's

important to have separate clubs

for gay people to meet in?

I don't, I definitely don't

think we're at a point in,

society where the average

straight guy feels comfortable

being hit on by a gay guy

and is actually

comfortable enough to go,

"Oh sorry.

Not gay, moving on."

[Paul] Do you think it's

important to have a place

that's just for gay people?

[Mike] Yeah, I do,

where gay people can feel free

to make out with another dude

or hold someone's hand

or just dance with someone.

I think that's important.

[Paul] Would you not

feel free to do that

in the places that

you might go with your...

Oh, no.

I would be fine with it,

but I've gone on

dates with guys,

they don't want

to show any PDA;

not because they

are against PDA,

but mostly because they're

scared that that dude

over there is going to beat

them up or something.

Okay, slow down.

Um, my age is now showing.

-PDA?

-Public display of affection.

So, holding hands,

kissing, that sort of thing.

[Paul] Talking to Michael

and other young people

I met on this journey,

I feel there's still a need

for our own spaces.

Sadly, it's not just

in San Francisco

that the clubs and bars

are vanishing.

Returning to Soho

to film this documentary

was a real shock.

Many of the clubs

and bars were gone,

places were just boarded up

or being re-developed.

[Gary] That's very,

very sad that's gone

because we had experiences

which the younger gay people

just will never have.

[Chris] I was very much for

obtaining equal gay rights.

I'm not sure I actually

wanted to be the same.

We are fairly unique,

and I mourn the loss

of that uniqueness in a way.

[Sean] You wouldn't believe

how many young gay kids

that don't even know

about their gay history.

And I say,

"Oh, do you need a hanky?"

And they go,

"Well, what the fuck is that?

What is the hanky code?

Explain that to me?"

And I'm like, "Well, it was

a way for our gay ancestors

"to talk about

what they're into,

and express their kinks,

and go to a gay bar."

You can have a hanky in

your back pocket that's red,

and you say, "Oh, this guy

wants to fist somebody."

[Paul] My countdown

has been a sort of

historical romp.

But, just for fun, I thought,

well we've got to have

a top 10.

I've been racking my brains on

who should be in the top 10.

So, I don't know,

Ben.

He is definitely top 10.

I mean, he's, like,

an escort, and,

yeah, he was good

at his job. [laughs]

Is there lots of money in it?

Oh, yeah,

the money is very good.

and it's been

recession-proof as well.

People seem to be

spending more on sex.

[Paul] One of the things

that people always,

sort of, say is,

"Oh, you know,

what happens

when you get old?"

And, you know, gay people

are so fixated on youth.

And I can honestly say

that some of the best sex

that I've ever had in my life

has been with him.

[Alan] Yes.

There's many a good tune

played on an old fiddle.

I have a gardener

who is sixty-one,

and I think he's,

you know.

I wouldn't mind.

And, remember, to me,

he is a chicken. [laughs]

Yeah, there are some

really sexy guys on here.

Ah, kinky hot.

That's hot as hell. [laughs]

Another person on the list

is someone I just call

"The Writer".

We've sort of drifted apart

and he's gone off

to do other things.

But without him,

I wouldn't have been able

to make some of the films

that I've made.

One of the things

about the top 10,

it's actually about

the friendship

more than just the sex.

[Graham] My times

coming to your flat

are times that

I really cherished.

And I felt safe,

I felt comfortable,

you were a nice man,

it was sexy,

all those sorts of...

This is nice.

Keep saying it.

Keep saying it.

[Graham] There were two

people who came to mind

when I thought of you.

Panos, and I've

never known his name.

He lived on the

council estate nearby...

His name was Paul.

Is he being

involved in this?

I can't track Paul down.

I would love too.

-He's on the list.

-Because he was fascinating.

[Paul] One of the people

I just thought would be good

to have in the top 10

is someone I just call

"The Teacher".

He recently married

his boyfriend

and they've adopted

two children,

and they love being parents.

[Chris] I didn't think we'd

see that kind of change

for a hundred years.

And it's gone,

that, that prejudice,

that belief that

gays are monsters.

[Chris] What has happened

over the last forty years

is absolutely fundamental

to where we are today.

I'm not saying

everything is right,

I'm not saying we've

achieved everything,

but we have achieved

an enormous amount.

♪ [light piano music] ♪

[crowd cheers]

[Paul] The most amazing thing,

filming gay pride in London

was to see gay Muslims

proudly marching

with everyone else.

My friend Brian would

have loved seeing that.

I still miss him a lot,

And Brian has to be

in the top 10.

[crowd cheering]

The Club Kid

is on here because,

in a strange sort of way,

he's a bit of a fantasy.

Beautiful looking.

I mean, you know,

he was a like a model.

Totally closeted.

Playing with this whole

S&M strange relationship.

We almost met up

last time I went over there.

But we didn't meet,

but perhaps better

left as a fantasy.

The Club Kid

is still an outsider.

Maybe that's why

the connection was so deep.

I literally met

this guy in a carpark,

I was sixteen/seventeen.

He was beautiful.

He had long blond hair.

He was the beautiful

surfer dude that I'd seen,

you know, with my mates.

What I actually remember

is that we hugged afterwards,

and it was intense,

and somehow it's made

that sex meaningful.

[James] For me,

it was always just about

having someone to share

everything with,

and tell him all the deep dark

secrets which,

a lot of which don't

turn out to be such

deep dark secrets when you're

with the right person.

That's very easy,

number one.

I mean, you know,

it has to be John.

Ever since I met John,

I never stopped loving him,

and it gets stronger.

I miss him,

perhaps because I don't

spend all my time with him.

But,

I can't imagine life

without John.

I love him

and he loves me.

And it's his support

that allows me to carry on

making films like this.

It's been an amazing journey.

I've met so many brave,

courageous, and honest people.

I realize, together,

we've been part of a movement

that's changed the world.

I never thought, as a confused,

screwed-up teenager,

that, one day,

I'd see a gay Bishop,

or out politicians,

or have such a fantastic

boyfriend

to share my life with.

And though many people

still struggle with being gay,

I know there's a fantastic

world out there.

Love is always just

around the corner,

and in the meantime,

there are hundreds

of wonderful men to meet.

♪ [light electronic music] ♪

"Nice boy wants another

nice boy to go to bed with

and do everything else with."

"Working Class Hero

seeks gay revolution.

Butch and dogmatic."

[laughs]

"Anybody into last resorts

can contact me."

[laughs]

"Young cuckoo seeks nest,

bring own feathers."

♪ [light electronic music] ♪

♪

♪

♪