Original subtitles

[compactor sputtering]

- WAIT--NO, NO, NO!

DON'T, DON'T, DON'T!

DON'T--NO--NO!

[screaming]

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE

* DISORDER AND CONFUSION EVERYWHERE *

* NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE

* WELL, I DO

* HEY, WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE

* POISON IN THE VERY AIR WE BREATHE *

* DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THE WATER THAT YOU DRINK? *

* WELL, I DO, AND IT'S A-MA-ZING *

* PEOPLE THINK I'M CRAZY 'CAUSE I WORRY ALL THE TIME *

* IF YOU PAID ATTENTION, YOU'D BE WORRIED TOO *

* YOU'D BETTER PAY ATTENTION OR THIS WORLD WE LOVE SO MUCH *

* MIGHT JUST KILL YOU

* I COULD BE WRONG NOW

* BUT I DON'T THINK SO

* 'CAUSE IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE *

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE *

- HOW ABOUT A WATCH?

- I ALREADY HAVE A WATCH.

- SOME PEOPLE HAVE TWO.

- WHY WOULD I WANT TWO?

LOOK, IF YOU HAVE ONE WRISTWATCH

YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

IF YOU HAVE TWO, YOU'RE NEVER SURE.

- MR. MONK, COME ON.

I HAVE TO GET YOU SOMETHING IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

- DON'T REMIND ME.

- AND NOT JUST ANY BIRTHDAY, YOU'RE 50 YEARS OLD.

THAT'S A MILESTONE.

- OKAY, LOOK, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- SHH!

HE'S COMING. HE'S COMING.

- IF YOU BUY ME SOMETHING THEN I HAVE TO PRETEND TO LIKE IT.

AND THEN I HAVE TO REMEMBER TO THANK YOU

AND THEN I HAVE TO RETURN IT.

AND IT'S A NIGHTMARE. IT'S A NIGHTMARE.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

- OH, THEY'RE PROBABLY IN THE CAPTAIN'S OFFICE.

HE SAID IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT.

- WHERE ARE THE CUPS? - WHAT CUPS?

- ALL THE CUPS AND THE PAPER PLATES.

YESTERDAY THERE WAS A BIG PILE HERE.

- I DON'T KNOW. WE'RE--WE'RE LATE, COME ON.

- WAIT...

A MINUTE.

- UH-OH!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I KNEW IT.

- WHY'D THE CAPTAIN WANT TO SEE ME, AGAIN?

- I TOLD YOU, IT'S A DOUBLE HOMICIDE

IN MARIN COUNTY.

- YOU SAID TRIPLE HOMICIDE. - I DON'T THINK SO.

- HEY, YOU SAID TRIPLE.

ALL RIGHT--

WHAT HAPPENED, DID SOMEBODY GET BETTER?

NATALIE...

IT'S A PARTY ISN'T IT.

IT'S A SURPRISE PARTY.

- NO, MR. MONK, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

I KNOW HOW YOU HATE PARTIES.

- NICE TRY, TEEGER.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY--

MR. MONK, OKAY.

IT'S A SURPRISE PARTY,

CAN'T YOU JUST PLAY ALONG?

- I DON'T WANNA PLAY ALONG.

- COME ON, EVERYBODY'S CHIPPED IN.

WE'VE BEEN PLANNING IT FOR WEEKS.

- I CAN'T.

I CAN'T DO IT.

I HATE BIRTHDAYS.

- WHAT WERE WE THINKING?

HE'S THE BEST DETECTIVE IN THE WORLD.

- UH-UH, I AM NOT GIVING UP, MR. MONK.

YOU'RE OFFICIALLY ON NOTICE.

I AM THROWING YOU A PARTY.

- AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU ARE NOT.

- OH, YES I AM-- WE'RE GONNA HAVE BALLOONS

AND CAKE AND DANCING.

- OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?

- BECAUSE, MR. MONK, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

AND WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT,

YOU HAVE FRIENDS WHO LOVE YOU

AND WANT TO CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE.

WE'RE HAPPY YOU WERE BORN.

- YOU'RE SO CRUEL.

- OH, MY GOD! WHERE'S THE REST OF HIM?

- THAT'S ALL THERE IS.

- HE'S ALL SQUISHED!

- HIS NAME WAS BRADLEY FOSTER.

HE WAS THE MAINTENANCE MAN HERE.

APPARENTLY, HE FELL INTO THE COMPACTOR.

- I'M GONNA SEND A GUY OUT

TO CHECK THE PARKING LOT FOR HIS CAR.

- YEAH, I'D LOOK FOR A COMPACT.

[all chuckling] - IT'S NOT FUNNY.

- HEY, DID YOU SEE WHAT HE WAS WEARING?

THOSE AREN'T BRIEFS THEY'RE MORE LIKE BOXERS.

[all laughing]

- HE WAS PROBABLY STILL ALIVE

WHEN HE DROPPED INTO THE GEARS.

THE ROTATING BLADES

MUST HAVE RIPPED HIS SPINAL COLUMN

AND SHREDDED HIS LUNGS.

HE MUST HAVE BEEN SCREAMING AND BEGGING FOR HIS LIFE

THE WHOLE WAY DOWN.

- CAPTAIN, THIS IS PAUL WELLMAN,

THE BUILDING MANAGER. HE FOUND THE BODY.

- AND WHEN WAS THAT MR. WELLMAN?

- IT WAS AT 8:30.

I HAD NOTICED THAT THE DOOR WAS OPEN

AND THAT WAS KIND OF STRANGE SO I, YOU KNOW,

TURNED ON THE LIGHTS AND I CAME IN

AND THAT'S WHEN I SAW THE BLOOD

SORT OF-- SORT OF TRICKLING DOWN.

AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS AN ANIMAL

THAT HAD BEEN TRAPPED.

I LOOKED INSIDE AND THAT'S WHEN I SAW BRADLEY.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?

- WELL THE COMPACTOR MUST HAVE JAMMED.

I GUESS HE FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE CIRCUIT BREAKER.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN HERE 15 YEARS

AND WE HAVE NEVER HAD AN ACCIDENT LIKE THIS BEFORE.

- TELL HIM, RANDY.

- IT'S NOT AN ACCIDENT UNTIL WE SAY IT IS.

- HOW LONG DID HE WORK HERE?

- FIVE YEARS, GIVE OR TAKE.

HE WAS A GOOD MAN.

- YEAH, EXCUSE ME.

YOU SAID YOU CAME IN AND YOU TURNED ON THE LIGHTS?

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT-- ABOUT THE LIGHTS?

- YES, SIR. I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

I TURNED ON THE LIGHTS AND SAW THE BLOOD.

- WHY ARE YOU ASKING ABOUT THE LIGHTS?

- WHO TURNED THEM OFF?

- OH, YEAH.

- THAT MAKES THINGS A WHOLE LOT MORE INTERESTING.

LET'S SEAL THIS BUILDING.

TALK TO EVERYBODY.

- MR. WELLMAN, WAS THERE ANYBODY ELSE HERE LAST NIGHT?

- WELL THERE'S A CAMERA IN THE LOBBY,

AND I WAS JUST CHECKING THE TAPE.

IT LOOKS LIKE THERE WAS ONE OTHER GUY HERE.

- MECKLER, RICHARD MECKLER.

- MECKLER, GOT IT.

- NOW, HE LEFT AROUND MIDNIGHT BUT--

I MEAN, I DON'T THINK THAT MEANS ANYTHING

'CAUSE HE WORKS LATE A LOT.

- WHAT DOES HE DO?

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MY NAME IS RICHARD MECKLER. I'M A PATENT ATTORNEY.

NOW, I MUST HEAR A THOUSAND BAD IDEAS EVERY YEAR.

AND BELIEVE ME, I'VE MET EVERY NUT JOB IN CALIFORNIA.

BUT WHEN KURT PRESSMAN CAME INTO MY OFFICE FIVE MONTHS AGO

WITH THIS VACUUM,

THE WORLD'S FIRST SELF-CLEANING VACUUM CLEANER,

WELL I KNEW I WANTED TO BE A PART OF IT.

LET'S BRING KURT UP, RIGHT NOW, AND HE CAN TELL US ALL ABOUT IT.

KURT PRESSMAN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S HEAR IT.

WELL DONE, SIR.

THAT'S IT. GIVE IT UP, PEOPLE.

THANK YOU, BUDDY.

- SELF-CLEANING VACUUM.

DO I WAKE OR DO I DREAM?

- I DON'T KNOW, MR. MONK.

- LAST NIGHT? UH, I WAS WORKING LATE.

GOT HOME AROUND 12:30.

- YEAH. - YEAH, 12:30.

HERE USE MINE.

- UH, NO THANKS, I'M GOOD.

DID YOU, UH, SEE ANYTHING UNUSUAL LAST NIGHT?

WERE THERE ANY STRANGERS IN THE BUILDING?

- NO, NO, SIR. - WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT?

- DO YOU KNOW A BRADLEY FOSTER?

- YEAH, THE JANITOR.

- WELL HE WAS MURDERED LAST NIGHT.

WE FOUND HIM IN THE BASEMENT.

- OH, MY GOD!

- CONSUMER CURRENTS?

YOU WRITE FOR THEM? - INDEED.

- I BOUGHT MY MOTORCYCLE LAST YEAR

BECAUSE YOU GUYS RECOMMENDED IT.

YOU GAVE IT FIVE STARS.

- HOW IS IT?

- IT'S FIVE STARS. I LOVE IT.

SO THANK YOU.

- CHOPPERS AREN'T MY DEPARTMENT.

I--I MAINLY COVER HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES

LIKE BLENDERS AND VACUUM CLEANERS.

BUT IF YOU'RE IN THE MARKET FOR AN ENERGY EFFICIENT

THREE CYCLE DISHWASHER WITH HALF LOAD OPTION

I'M YOUR GAL.

- HMM. - [laughing]

- TK.

WHAT'S THE "T" STAND FOR?

- IT STANDS FOR MY FIRST NAME.

- MR. PRESTON, EXCUSE--

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

I JUST HAVE TO KNOW, HOW DOES IT WORK?

I MEAN, WHERE DOES ALL THAT DUST GO?

- IT'S A HIGH VOLTAGE ELECTRONIC FILTER.

IT'S IN THE BROCHURE. THE DUST IS DISINTEGRATED.

- YEAH, I DIDN'T GET A BROCHURE.

I'M HERE WITH THE POLICE.

- POLICE?

- YEAH, WE'RE HERE ABOUT, UM, SOMETHING ELSE

COMPLETELY UNRELATED, BUT I THINK THE WORK YOU'RE DOING

IS HISTORIC.

A SELF-CLEANING VACUUM IS RIGHT UP THERE WITH THE WHEEL

OR WINDEX.

- THANK YOU, THANK YOU-- - HOLD ON.

WHERE CAN I GET ONE-- OR TWO?

ACTUALLY, I COULD TAKE TWO.

- WE HAVE A WAITING LIST,

AND I'LL MAKE SURE YOU'RE ON IT, MR...

- MONK. - MONK, EXCUSE ME.

SORRY I TOOK SO LONG. - IT'S ALL RIGHT.

- YOU HAD THE DIET, RIGHT? - MM-HMM.

- I CAN'T TELL. IS THAT DIET?

- OH, MM, DIET, DEFINITELY.

- DIET? GREAT.

- THANKS.

- PRETTY GOOD TURNOUT, HUH?

- I TOLD YOU, PARTNER, YOU BUILD A BETTER MOUSETRAP.

- OH, THIS IS LT. DISHER,

HE'S WITH THE SAN FRANCISCO POLICE.

- YEAH, I, UH, I HEARD THE POLICE WERE HERE.

- YEAH.

- TRINA?

THERESA?

- [chuckles]

WHY DO YOU CARE?

- BECAUSE IT'LL MAKE IT SLIGHTLY EASIER

FOR ME TO TRACK YOU DOWN.

- OH.

- DON'T TOUCH IT! - OW!

IT IS A VACUUM CLEANER.

- YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSE TO TOUCH.

- RICHARD?

- MR. MECKLER? - RICHARD?

- I CAN'T...

- RICHARD!

- CALL 911.

HE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK.

- OH, MY GOD. RICHARD!

- CAPTAIN!

- STEP BACK, STEP BACK.

- RICHARD!

RICHARD! - DOCTOR!

GET ME A DOCTOR. IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?

- RICHARD, RICHARD, RICHARD?

HELP HIM! HELP HIM--OH, MY GOD!

[upbeat music]

*

- MORNING.

- GOOD MORNING.

- HOW DID YOU SLEEP? I WAS UP ALL NIGHT

THINKING ABOUT THAT POOR MAN, THAT LAWYER.

I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN ANYONE HAVE A HEART ATTACK BEFORE.

OH, IS THAT THE NEW VACUUM?

WHERE DID YOU GET IT?

- OH, THE, UH,

THE CAPTAIN MET THIS REPORTER FROM A CONSUMER MAGAZINE.

SHE LET ME BORROW IT.

- UH-HUH, AND HOW IS IT?

- IT'S SPECTACULAR.

SEE THERE'S NO DUST BAG.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EMPTY IT.

AND IF IT PICKS UP A COIN OR SOMETHING,

LOOK...

THERE'S A LITTLE TRAY.

SEE, I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

- OH, WELL, I'M SURE YOU TWO WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

- YEAH.

- COME ON, THE CAPTAIN'S WAITING FOR US.

- OKAY.

- OH, I ALMOST FORGOT, WE JUST HAVE TO STOP OFF

AT MY PLACE. I FORGOT MY CELL PHONE.

- EXCUSE ME.

[cell phone ringing]

OH, GOOD. WE FOUND YOUR PHONE.

IT'S IN YOUR BAG.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

SO WHERE ARE THEY?

ARE THEY AT YOUR HOUSE?

- COME ON, MR. MONK, CAN'T YOU JUST COME WITH ME?

JUST--JUST PRETEND TO BE SURPRISED.

THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS. THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU.

THEY LOVE YOU.

THEY WANNA DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU.

- I CAN'T--I CAN'T.

I CAN'T DO IT.

- WHY? TELL ME WHY?

THERE HAS TO BE A REASON.

- ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU.

BUT YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE.

I HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD DR. BELL.

- OKAY, I PROMISE.

MY GOD, WHAT IS IT?

- ALL RIGHT.

I WAS TEN YEARS OLD,

AND THERE WAS THIS COWBOY.

- A COWBOY?

- COWBOY HANK.

- OKAY.

- OH, HE WAS--

HE WAS ON TV EVERY WEEK AND

HE WAS MY HERO.

WELL, WHEN I TURNED TEN MY MOTHER SURPRISED ME.

SHE HIRED COWBOY HANK TO COME TO MY PARTY.

IT MUST HAVE COST HER EVERY NICKEL SHE HAD.

AND, UM, HE, UH,

HE BROUGHT A ROPE

WITH HIM.

- A ROPE?

- LIKE A LASSO.

- OH, MY GOD.

WHAT DID HE DO WITH IT?

- TRICKS.

A LOT OF KIDS FROM MY CLASS WERE THERE.

COWBOY HANK WAS REALLY FUNNY.

HE DID ALL HIS TRICKS

AND THEN HE LEFT.

- HE LEFT.

- AS SOON AS HE WAS GONE,

ALL MY FRIENDS, MY SO-CALLED FRIENDS, WENT HOME.

THEY DIDN'T STAY FOR CAKE OR ANYTHING.

THEY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME.

THEY JUST WANTED TO SEE COWBOY HANK.

- THAT'S IT?

EVERYBODY LEFT.

THAT'S YOUR STORY?

- YEAH.

- OH, I'M SO THROWING YOU A PARTY.

- WHAT?

- IT'S GONNA BE THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE YEAR.

IT'S GONNA BE A COTILLION.

WE'RE GONNA DANCE UNTIL DAWN.

- NO, I CAN'T.

NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.

- OH, MR. MONK, THAT'S THE STUPIDEST STORY

I EVER HEARD. I'M SORRY BUT THAT IS LAME.

EVERYBODY LEFT?

- WELL IT WAS VERY TRAUMATIC.

- IT'S STUPID, I MEAN, I HAVE WORSE STORIES THAN THAT.

EVERYBODY DOES.

WAIT, WHY CAN'T YOU TELL DR. BELL?

- I DIDN'T THINK HE COULD HANDLE IT.

- [chuckles]

I AM SO THROWING YOU A PARTY,

AS GOD IS MY WITNESS AND I'M GOING TO SURPRISE YOU TOO.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

YOU'RE GONNA SURPRISE ME?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA SURPRISE ME.

- YOU DON'T THINK I'M SMART ENOUGH?

IT IS SO ON.

I'M THROWING YOU A PARTY, BOSS.

IT COULD BE ANYTIME, ANYWHERE.

- SO WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?

- I DON'T KNOW.

SOMEBODY THREW THE GUY IN A TRASH COMPACTOR.

THERE HAD TO BE A REASON.

HOW LONG DID HE LIVE HERE?

- 11 YEARS.

- AHH.

- I GOT A MOUSE PAD

AND A SURGE PROTECTOR BUT NO COMPUTER.

- AND I GOT A TOOLBOX THAT LOOKS LIKE

SOME TOOLS ARE MISSING.

SOMEBODY'S BEEN HERE.

SOMEBODY'S BEEN EATING MY PORRIDGE.

- HEY, THANKS FOR COMING.

UH, WHERE'S YOUR BOSS?

OH, HE'S IN THE HALL. HE WON'T COME IN.

HE THINKS IT'S A SURPRISE PARTY.

- MONK, GET IN HERE.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S BEEN HERE.

THEY TOOK THE COMPUTER AND MAYBE SOME TOOLS.

- UH-HUH.

- CHECK THAT CLOSET WHILE YOU'RE OVER THERE.

- AH, NO, HA-HA.

I, UH, I THINK I'LL PASS.

- YOU'LL PASS?

- RIGHT, YOU THINK SOMEONE'S IN THERE?

YOU THINK THERE ARE 50 PEOPLE IN THAT CLOSET

WITH BALLOONS AND PARTY HATS

WAITING TO JUMP OUT?

- EXCUSE ME, DO I NEED TO REMIND BOTH OF YOU

THAT TWO NIGHTS AGO THE MAN THAT LIVES HERE

GOT TORN APART IN A TRASH COMPACTOR?

- I BET HE WAS SURPRISED.

- I KNOW SHE'S BEEN TRYING TO THROW YOU A PARTY.

AND, UM,

SHE'S GOING TO.

OH, SHE'S GONNA GET YOU.

- I'LL GET YOU.

- BUT THIS IS A MURDER VICTIM'S PLACE OF RESIDENCE.

DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT SHE WOULD DO IT HERE?

- NO, NO, I DON'T.

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHY I DO.

AND BECAUSE I DO, I DON'T.

SO YES, I DO.

- NATALIE, TELL HIM.

- THERE IS NO PARTY.

- WHY IS SHE SMILING THEN?

- BECAUSE SHE'S A FRIENDLY PERSON.

- SHE WINKED.

COME ON, SHE'S WINKING.

- TEEGER, QUIT WINKING.

LOOK, MONK, I-- - SHE WINKED AGAIN!

- I NEED YOU TO FOCUS.

RANDY, FILL HIM IN.

- UH, BRADLEY FOSTER, GRADUATED M.I.T. 1982.

WORKED FOR GENERAL ELECTRIC FOR TEN YEARS.

THEN HE JUST DISAPPEARED, FELL OFF THE RADAR.

- APPARENTLY HE STARTED DRINKING,

UH, WASHING DISHES, MOVING FROM JOB TO JOB.

HE ENDED UP LIVING HERE PUSHING A BROOM.

- UH-HUH.

AHA, I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT.

CONFETTI. WHERE ARE THEY?

OKAY, YOU CAN COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE.

- MONK, NO THAT'S NOT CONFETTI

THAT'S SHREDDED PAPER.

IT'S WHAT WE-- SEE THERE'S THE SHREDDER

RIGHT THERE, THAT'S MATERIAL EVIDENCE.

LET'S PUT IT BACK.

THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

IT'S BEEN CHEWED.

- THE LAWYER.

- THE HEART ATTACK?

- HE WAS HERE.

- MR. MONK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- OH, YOU DON'T WANT ME TO LOOK, DO YOU?

- NO, I DON'T. - I WONDER WHY?

- BECAUSE IT'S PUTRID AND DISGUSTING.

- YOU WERE RIGHT.

WE JUST RAN A FULL TOXICOLOGY SCREENING.

RICHARD MECKLER WAS MURDERED.

POISONED.

WE FOUND EIGHT CC'S OF SODIUM FLUOROACETATE

IN HIS BLOOD STREAM.

- SODIUM-- - FLUOROACETATE.

- F-L-O-- - FLUOROACETATE.

- I'M GONNA WRITE UP THE NOTES LATER.

- WE DON'T COME ACROSS IT VERY OFTEN, THANK GOD.

IT'S EXTREMELY TOXIC AND FAST-ACTING.

- YEAH, WE KNOW. WE WERE THERE.

- ANOTHER MURDER. COINCIDENCE?

- I DON'T BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCE.

OKAY, LET'S TAKE A STEP BACK.

WE GOT A JANITOR WHO'S KILLED.

THE ONLY OTHER GUY IN THE BUILDING IS A LAWYER

NAMED RICHARD MECKLER.

TEN HOURS LATER, MECKLER IS POISONED.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, MONK?

- I DON'T BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCE EITHER.

AND I ALSO DON'T BELIEVE IN SURPRISE PARTIES.

- HE HAS A BIG BIRTHDAY TOMORROW.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

- UH, DOC, YOU SAID THAT THE, UH,

SODIUM FLUR-- - FLUOROACETATE--

- IT WAS, UH, FAST-ACTING.

- THAT'S RIGHT.

ONCE YOU INGEST IT, YOU'RE DEAD WITHIN TEN SECONDS.

- THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

I WAS RIGHT THERE. I WAS TALKING TO THE GUY.

I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

- NEITHER...

DID I!

CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING?

IF THIS IS MY PARTY,

IT'S THE SECOND WORSE BIRTHDAY PARTY

I'VE EVER HAD.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- THE GUY THAT DIED YESTERDAY WAS POISONED.

- OH.

- SO WE'RE GONNA RECREATE THE CRIME.

- WELL WHY CALL ME? AM I A SUSPECT?

- NO.

- AM I IMPORTANT TO THE CASE IN SOME WAY?

- NOT PARTICULARLY, NO.

- OH, SO YOU WERE JUST LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE

TO SEE ME AGAIN.

- MISS JENSEN, IF THAT WERE TRUE,

IF I BROUGHT YOU DOWN HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON

JUST TO TALK TO YOU AND GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER,

THAT WOULD BE A SERIOUS ABUSE OF MY AUTHORITY.

- IT CERTAINLY WOULD.

- UH, CAPTAIN,

DO YOU MIND?

- HEY, RANDY, NATALIE, THIS IS TK JENSEN.

SHE WRITES FOR CONSUMER CURRENTS MAGAZINE.

SHE WAS AT THE EVENT LAST NIGHT.

I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.

- HELLO. - HI.

UH, WHAT'S TK STAND FOR?

- MM--

- SHE'S TAKING THE FIFTH ON THAT.

- OKAY, LET'S GET STARTED, CAPTAIN.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE RICHARD MECKLER.

SO YOU'RE STANDING RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT THERE--

NATALIE, YOU'RE HIS WIFE.

SO YOU'RE STANDING RIGHT THERE.

- WHAT ABOUT ME?

- YOU'RE YOU.

- BUT I'D RATHER BE MECKLER.

- WHY?

- HE HAS MORE TO DO.

- RANDY, YOU'RE YOU.

- ALL RIGHT.

I AM THE INVENTOR.

I AM KURT PRESSMAN.

I'M SORRY, I DON'T HAVE A PART FOR YOU.

OKAY.

I WALK ACROSS THE ROOM CARRYING TWO GLASSES OF SODA.

I STEP UP--

- THAT'S RIGHT, HE WASN'T SURE WHICH ONE WAS DIET,

SO HE TOOK A SIP.

THEN MECKLER'S WIFE TAKES A SIP.

SHE TOOK A SIP.

SHE GAVE THE GLASS TO MECKLER.

HE DRANK FROM IT.

FIVE MINUTES LATER HE WAS DEAD.

- UGH.

- SO HOW WAS HE POISONED? THAT'S THE QUESTION.

- IT HAD TO BE IN THE DRINK.

- NO--NO, THAT'S-- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE,

YOU REMEMBER WHAT DR Z. SAID,

THE POISON HITS YOU LIKE THIS--

AND HE WAS SIPPING IT FOR AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES.

- BESIDES, HIS WIFE AND PRESSMAN

BOTH DRANK FROM THE SAME GLASS--

THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET SICK.

- SO IT WASN'T IN THE DRINK.

WAS HE EATING SOMETHING?

- NO.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

HE WAS CHEWING ON HIS PEN-- LIKE A NERVOUS HABIT.

- NOPE, IT WASN'T THE PEN.

THAT WAS THE FIRST THING WE TESTED.

IT WAS CLEAN.

- WELL, MAYBE SOMEBODY INJECTED HIM WITH SOMETHING,

LIKE A--LIKE A NEEDLE.

- NO, I WAS THERE, I WOULD'VE SEEN THAT.

A BLOW DART, YOU KNOW, A POISON DART.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DART?

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN STICKING IN HIS NECK.

- NOT NECESSARILY.

THERE COULD HAVE BEEN A LONG ELASTIC WIRE

ATTACHED TO THE BLOW DART.

THEY'RE CALLED DARTARANGS.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY'RE CALLED DARTARANGS?

- BECAUSE THEY'RE PROBABLY CALLED DARTARANGS.

OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THEY SHOULD BE CALLED.

- JUST NOD YOUR HEAD AND SAY MAYBE.

- MAYBE. - INTERESTING, RANDY.

INTERESTING.

- IS THE CHILD SAFETY LOCK IN THE OFF POSITION?

- YES.

- IS THE POWER SWITCH ON?

- YES.

- IS THE CYCLONE COVER TIGHTENED SECURELY?

- CYCLONE COVER, YES.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

IT WAS WORKING PERFECTLY.

I WAS USING IT ALL MORNING.

I CLEANED THE FILTER, AND IT JUST STOPPED.

- YOU CLEANED THE WHAT?

- I CLEANED THE FILTER.

- YOU CLEANED THE AIR-ACTUATED IONIZED ELECTRONIC FILTER?

- THAT'S RIGHT. I ALWAYS CLEAN THE FILTER.

- MR. MONK, IT SAYS DO NOT CLEAN THE FILTER.

- WHERE?

- HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE,

HERE.

- I SAW THAT, BUT IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

YOU ALWAYS CLEAN THE FILTER.

WHAT DID I DO?

WHAT DID I DO?

I'M SO SORRY.

SO SORRY...

IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY--

THE GOOD DIE YOUNG.

NOT THIS VACUUM.

TAKE ME INSTEAD.

- I'M SURE WE CAN FIND SOMEBODY TO FIX IT.

- NOBODY CAN FIX IT.

IT'S NOT EVEN IN THE STORES YET.

OH, GOD.

WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

THE GUY--THE INVENTOR.

- KURT PRESSMAN? - YEAH!

- YEAH, HE CAN FIX IT.

HIS ADDRESS IS RIGHT ON THE BACK OF THE BOOKLET.

603 VINTON STREET.

WE CAN BE THERE IN 20 MINUTES.

- WE CAN'T GO NOW. YOU HAVE DR. BELL AT 2:00.

- OH, I'LL CALL HIM AND CANCEL.

- NO, I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA, I MEAN, NOT TODAY.

- WHY NOT?

- BECAUSE YOU SEEM REALLY ANXIOUS LATELY.

YOU HAVE THAT BIG CASE-- THE JANITOR.

PLUS THE POISONED LAWYER,

SO THAT'S TWO BIG CASES.

YOU'RE UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE.

- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

- WHAT?

- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU ARE DIABOLICAL.

YOU'RE PLANNING A SURPRISE PARTY

IN DR BELL'S OFFICE-- MY THERAPIST'S OFFICE.

HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

- IT'S NOT IN HIS OFFICE.

IT'S IN THE OFFICE NEXT DOOR.

I RENTED IT OUT.

EVERYBODY'S WAITING.

THEY'RE ALREADY THERE.

PLEASE, MR. MONK, PLEASE JUST--JUST COME WITH ME.

IT'LL TAKE JUST AN HOUR.

- TOLD YOU BEFORE, I CAN'T DO IT.

- WHAT, BECAUSE OF COWBOY HANK?

- COWBOY HANK.

- BECAUSE OF ONE BAD PARTY.

OKAY, MR. MONK, CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU WIN.

YOU'RE GONNA SPEND YOUR BIRTHDAY ALONE.

AND THE NEXT BIRTHDAY AFTER THAT.

AND THE ONE AFTER THAT TOO.

UNTIL YOU FINALLY DIE ALONE,

PATHETIC AND MISERABLE AND SAD AND ALONE.

- DEAL.

CAN WE FIX THE VACUUM NOW?

- HELLO? - IN HERE.

- HELLO.

- MR. MONK, NATALIE,

I ALREADY SPOKE TO YOUR COLLEAGUE, LT. DISHER, EARLIER.

- ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT WHY WE'RE HERE.

IT BROKE. IT JUST STOPPED WORKING.

- YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT HERE ABOUT RICHARD?

- COULD YOU HAVE A LOOK? IT'LL JUST TAKE A MINUTE.

- I DON'T THINK I CAN THINK ABOUT WORK.

NOT NOW, NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.

IT'S JUST...

RICHARD WAS MORE THAN MY LAWYER.

HE WAS ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS.

I'VE KNOWN HIM SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GONE.

- I CAN APPRECIATE THAT.

IT WAS A TERRIBLE THING.

WE'RE VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. AREN'T WE?

- YES.

- BUT AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE.

- IT JUST STOPPED WORKING?

- YEAH-- - HE CLEANED THE FILTER.

- WELL, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSE TO CLEAN THE FILTER.

- I KNOW THAT NOW.

- WE WROTE IT AS BIG AS WE COULD

IN THE INSTRUCTION BOOK.

IT WAS THE BIGGEST FONT WE HAD.

- IT WAS BIG.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

- GREAT, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

SO THIS IS, UH...

THIS IS WHERE YOU INVENTED IT?

- YES, SIR, WORKED ON THE PROTOTYPE FOR FIVE YEARS.

- WOW, FIVE YEARS?

- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THOMAS EDISON SAID.

INVENTION IS 1% INSPIRATION

AND 99% PERSPIRATION.

- I HAVE A THEORY.

I THINK EDISON SAID THAT TO EXPLAIN HIS B.O.

- I NEED A PHILLIPS-HEAD.

- YOU KNOW, THE PERSPIRATION...

- I GATHER FROM THE LIEUTENANT THAT YOU DON'T THINK

RICHARD DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES.

- OH, WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT THE CASE, YOU UNDERSTAND.

- YOU MENTIONED ANOTHER CASE,

A--A JANITOR YOU FEEL MIGHT BE CONNECTED?

- IT'S POSSIBLE. IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS.

- YEAH, MR. MONK ALWAYS SAYS IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS

JUST BEFORE HE FIGURES IT ALL OUT.

- REALLY?

- SO HOW DOES SHE LOOK?

- WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT IT'S THE FILTER.

- YEAH.

- I CAN'T REPLACE IT NOW. IT WILL TAKE A COUPLE DAYS.

- OH, SO FRIDAY?

- FRIDAY IS RICHARD'S FUNERAL.

- WHAT TIME?

- NOON.

- SO YOU'RE HOME WHEN--2:30, 2:45?

- HOW ABOUT THIS, I'LL CALL YOU.

- YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

THANK YOU, SO MUCH, FOR LETTING US JUST DROP BY.

THANK YOU. - YES AND GOD BLESS YOU

AND YOUR WORK.

- ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS.

IT WON'T BE A PARTY.

I MEAN, NOT TECHNICALLY, IT'LL JUST BE ME AND JULIE.

WE'LL COME OVER TONIGHT AND WE'LL HAVE A BIRTHDAY CAKE

AND A COUPLE CANDLES?

- I DON'T WANT A CAKE.

- OKAY, FINE, UH, HOW ABOUT A CUPCAKE?

ONE CUPCAKE AND ONE CANDLE.

- CRUMBS.

- OKAY, A PLASTIC CUPCAKE, A PICTURE OF A CANDLE,

AND I PROMISE WE WON'T HAVE ANY FUN AT ALL.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT?

WHAT I REALLY WANT?

-WHAT? JUST NAME IT.

- I WANT YOU TO MAKE A LEFT TURN.

- A LEFT TURN? - RIGHT NOW.

TURN HERE.

- WHY--WHAT'S GOING ON? - WE'RE BEING FOLLOWED.

- OH, MY GOD--OH, MY GOD. WHAT DO I DO?

[cell phone ringing]

THAT'S THE CAPTAIN.

- ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?

- WE'RE BEING FOLLOWED.

- IS IT A BLACK SUV? - YES.

- YES. - NEVADA PLATES?

- YES. - YES.

- OKAY, STAY CALM.

WE JUST GOT WORD THAT SOMEBODY PUT OUT

A $20,000 CONTRACT ON YOUR LIFE.

- CONTRACT.

- BOTH OF US, OR JUST HIM?

[gunshots] WHAT WAS THAT?

- THOS ARE GUN SHOTS.

GO, GO, GO, GO! - WHICH WAY?

- AWAY FROM THE BULLETS.

[tires squealing]

- WRONG WAY, WRONG WAY, WRONG WAY!

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- IT SAYS WRONG WAY.

- HELP US.

YOU GOTTA HELP US. THEY'RE AFTER US.

[gunshots]

OH, MY GOD. THIS WAY!

- COME ON.

- THE DUMPSTER. THE DUMPSTER.

- I CAN'T. - THE PORT-A-JOHN.

- HAVE WE MET?

- MR. MONK, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE.

- I CHOOSE DEATH.

- HEY, THEY'RE DOWN HERE.

- GO, GO, GO, GO!

GO, GO, GO, GO.

- WHY DID YOU CLOSE IT?

- BECAUSE WE'RE HIDING.

- I CHANGED MY MIND.

I'LL TAKE THE PORT-A-JOHN.

- WHAT DO WE DO WITH THEM?

- LET'S DUMP THEM IN THE RIVER.

- THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT US.

- COME ON OUT, BOTH OF YOU.

LET'S SEE YOUR HANDS. HANDS UP.

GOT ANY LAST WORDS?

- YES, I DO.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANNA SAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. MONK.

all: SURPRISE!

[all cheering]

- GOTCHA!

- THANK YOU.

- YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE.

- YEAH, I SHOULD'VE SEEN MY FACE.

- YOU'RE NOT MAD ARE YOU?

- NO, I'M OKAY.

- HEY, MAN.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

- SO, WERE YOU SURPRISED?

- OH, YES. YES, I WAS.

- I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU GOT HIM IN THAT DUMPSTER.

- I KNOW. YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SUV?

- IMPOUND LOT.

- UH-HUH. VERY FUNNY, VERY FUNNY.

WITH THE CAR CHASE AND THE GUNSHOTS.

VERY AMUSING.

AND WHEN THE GUARD GOT SHOT,

THAT ALMOST LOOKED REAL.

- WELL, THAT WAS REAL. WE HAD TO KILL THE GUARD.

- WE HAD TO MAKE IT LOOK AUTHENTIC.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- IT WAS FAKE BLOOD.

- HEY, PAT, PAT-- HE'S RIGHT THERE.

- I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT.

- HEY, MR. MONK?

LOOK WHO I FOUND.

YOUR HERO. I HAD TO INVITE HIM.

- I WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED IT.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MONK.

- HAPPY--HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

- HEY, NATALIE, MONK, COME HERE.

- YEAH, I, UH, DON'T GO AWAY.

THIS, UH, THIS'LL JUST TAKE A SECOND.

- SAY HELLO.

THIS IS THE GUY THAT SOLD THE WHOLE THING.

[continues indistinctly]

- HI.

- HEY, HEY.

- THANKS. - WELL, THANK YOU FOR COMING.

- I LOVE YOUR PARTIES.

ALTHOUGH, I HAVE TO SAY,

IF NOBODY GETS SHOT OR POISONED,

I'M GOING TO BE VERY DISAPPOINTED.

all: * AND MANY MORE

[all applauding]

- COME ON, MR. MONK, MAKE A WISH.

- I REALLY DON'T THINK I WANT TO.

- MONK, MAKE A WISH.

- OKAY.

[sighs]

YOU LOOSENED YOUR BELT.

- I'M MAKING ROOM FOR THE CAKE.

- YOU LOOSENED YOUR BELT.

- EXCUSE ME?

- YOUR TOOL BELT.

IT DIDN'T FIT, AND I SAW YOU LOOSEN IT.

- I NEED A PHILLIPS-HEAD.

- YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TOOL TO USE.

IT WASN'T YOUR BELT.

WAS IT?

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.

THE JANITOR, BRADLEY FOSTER,

THE--THE ENGINEER FROM M.I.T.

HE WAS THE REAL INVENTOR.

HE TOOK THE IDEA TO RICHARD MECKLER,

WHICH MADE SENSE.

MECKLER WAS A PATENT LAWYER IN THAT SAME BUILDING.

SELF-CLEANING VACUUM.

FOURTH GREATEST INVENTION SINCE THE DAWN OF MAN.

MECKLER KNEW IT WOULD BE WORTH A FORTUNE.

YOU AND MECKLER WERE OLD PALS.

YOU WERE IN IT TOGETHER.

HE KILLED FOSTER IN THE TRASH COMPACTOR,

AND YOU WERE THE BEARD.

YOU WERE THE PHONY INVENTOR.

MECKLER WAS GREEDY,

BUT YOU WERE GREEDIER.

YOU DECIDED YOU DIDN'T NEED A PARTNER

SO YOU KILLED HIM.

YOU POISONED HIM

AT THAT RECEPTION.

- I POISONED RICHARD MECKLER?

HOW?

YOU WERE THERE. SO WERE YOU.

- YOU BROUGHT HIM HIS DRINK.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN IN THE DRINK.

I DRANK FROM IT, REMEMBER?

FROM THE SAME GLASS.

- THE ICE CUBES.

THE ICE CUBES. MINE ARE SQUARE.

THESE ARE ROUND.

SO ARE YOURS.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN IN THE ICE CUBES.

- I'LL TAKE THAT.

- THAT'S HOW YOU COULD DRINK FROM THE SAME GLASS.

THE ICE HADN'T MELTED YET.

- RANDY,

CUFF HIM.

- DON'T NEED HANDCUFFS.

[cheers and applause]

THERE YOU GO, SON, TAKE HIM AWAY.

- COWBOY HANK!

- HE WAS AVAILABLE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

- SORRY TO BE LATE, BUCKAROOS.

OKAY, WHO'S THE BIRTHDAY BOY?

- I AM.

- WELL, RIDE ON MY SADDLE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON.

- YEAH, THERE YOU GO!

WELL, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S TIME FOR COWBOY HANK

TO BE MOSEYING DOWN THE TRAIL.

BACK TO THE OLD COWBOY HOME.

NOW LISTEN, ADRIAN,

I WANT YOU TO KEEP YOUR SPURS CLEAN, HUH?

- YEAH, I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

- THANK YOU, VERY MUCH, MAN.

- WELL, NEVER A DULL MOMENT.

- GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE,

I WANT TO HAVE DULL MOMENTS WITH YOU.

HOW ABOUT SATURDAY NIGHT?

- OKAY.

- AND SUNDAY NIGHT?

- SUNDAY NIGHT TOO? - YEP.

- I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, UH,

MAYBE WE OUGHT TO TAP THE BREAKS.

- I'M SORRY, BUT MY BREAKS ARE SHOT.

AND, UH, BESIDES I DON'T WANT TO SLOW DOWN.

I HAVEN'T FELT...

HELL, I HAVE-- I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE THIS.

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

- IT'S TRUDY.

- YOUR NAME IS TRUDY?

- YEAH, IT'S TRU--

- NO--WAIT--YOUR-- YOUR NAME'S TRUDY?

- YEAH.

- OH, THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

- WHAT?

- WELL--IT'S-- IT'S A LONG STORY.

LET'S JUST STICK WITH TK, OKAY.

TK IS CUTE. - OKAY.

- FOR THE RECORD, COWBOY HANK WENT HOME,

AND EVERYBODY'S STILL HERE.

THEY'RE HERE FOR YOU, MR. MONK.

- HEY, YOU GUYS, WE HAD A GREAT TIME.

- YOU'RE NOT LEAVING. - OKAY.

- NATALIE, THIS WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY I EVER HAD.

THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

- DON'T DO IT AGAIN.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. MONK.

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