Original subtitles

(woman) OH, MY GOD, DAVID GITELSON!

DAVID, DAVID, OVER HERE!

WE'RE GOIN' ALL THE WAY!

(man) ALL THE WAY TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP!

(second man) KILL THE WILDCATS!

YOU CAN BET ON THAT!

[chattering applause]

[dance music in background]

*

OH, WHAT TIME IS IT?

MM. DON'T ASK ME.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS.

MMM.

WHAT'S THIS?

OH, I TOLD YOU, I CAME STRAIGHT FROM PRACTICE.

"CLASSIFIED." [giggles]

WHAT ARE YOU, A SPY?

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. THAT IS TOP SECRET.

YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS...

UNLESS YOU'RE WEARING ONE OF THESE.

OH. [chuckles]

MR. GITELSON, ARE WE GOING HOME?

NO, I WANNA GO TO THE OTHER CLUB,

TO THE AFTER-PARTY.

LET'S DO IT. LET'S DO IT!

TO THE AFTER-PARTY.

[dialing]

HEY, IT'S ME.

I GOT THE PLAYBOOK.

YEP, LOOKIN' AT IT RIGHT NOW.

LISTEN, WE GOTTA MOVE FAST. WE GOT ONE HOUR TO DO THIS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. JUST HAVE THE MONEY READY.

IT'S ALL THERE.

YOU KNOW, NORMALLY I'D SAY GOOD LUCK.

BUT, UH...YOU'RE NOT GONNA NEED IT NOW.

WHAT'S GOING ON, DAVID?

WHAT THE HELL'D YOU DO, HUH? DID YOU SELL ME OUT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? NO, DON'T LIE TO ME, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M CALLIN' THE COPS.

[dialing]

YOU GONNA CALL THE POLICE ON ME?

LISTEN, YOU COULD COST ME THE GAME!

GET UP! GET UP RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE--

YAAH!

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE

* DISORDER AND CONFUSION EVERYWHERE *

* NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE

* WELL, I DO

* HEY, WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE

* POISON IN THE VERY AIR WE BREATHE *

* DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THE WATER THAT YOU DRINK? *

* WELL, I DO, AND IT'S A-MA-ZING *

* PEOPLE THINK I'M CRAZY 'CAUSE I WORRY ALL THE TIME *

* IF YOU PAID ATTENTION, YOU'D BE WORRIED TOO *

* YOU'D BETTER PAY ATTENTION OR THIS WORLD WE LOVE SO MUCH *

* MIGHT JUST KILL YOU

* I COULD BE WRONG NOW

* BUT I DON'T THINK SO

* 'CAUSE IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE *

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE *

THE CONDORS HAVE BEEN THERE.

THOSE GUYS HAVE ALL BEEN TO THE PLAYOFFS.

THE CATS ARE GONNA CHOKE.

RICHARDSON'S THE BEST RUNNING BACK IN THE LEAGUE.

I DON'T KNOW, BOYS. I HEARD RICHARDSON WAS HURT.

YEAH, HE TWEAKED HIS KNEE!

(Natalie) MR. MONK SAID SOMETHING

VERY INTERESTING TODAY ABOUT THE GAME.

NO, I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

YES, YOU DID. WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?

IT'S JUST THAT...

I SAW A PHOTO OF THE TEAM IN A NEWSPAPER,

AND IT WAS KIND OF INTERESTING.

AND I NOTICED THAT, UH,

IF YOU ADDED UP ALL THEIR UNIFORM NUMBERS,

IT ADDS UP...TO 1,000.

WOW. EXACTLY 1,000.

ANYBODY ELSE NOTICE THAT?

THAT'S GOTTA BE A GOOD OMEN, RIGHT?

I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS A GOOD OMEN.

HEY, UH, EVERYBODY'S COMIN' ON SUNDAY.

YEAH. YEAH.

I GOT A BRAND-NEW 52-INCH PLASMA TV.

WE'RE GONNA FIRE UP THE GRILL, WATCH THE CONDORS KICK BUTT.

PRINTED OUT SOME DIRECTIONS.

HERE YA GO.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT. WHAT ABOUT MR. MONK?

OH.

OH, SURE. SORRY, I DIDN'T THINK--

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU. OH, WAIT, NO, WAIT.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS SUNDAY?

I CAN'T MAKE IT, SORRY.

I'M, UH...I'M GONNA BE AT SUMMIT STADIUM.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE AT THE STADIUM? YEAH.

WHY? YOU GOING TO THE GAME?

YEAH. SINCE WHEN?

I HAVE TO GO.

I PROMISED BOB. YOU KNOW, COSTAS.

YOU KNOW BOB COSTAS? I DIDN'T MENTION THAT?

I HELPED HIM OUT OF A LITTLE JAM ABOUT TEN YEARS AGO.

I NEVER MENTIONED THIS?

NO. NO!

BOB COSTAS? NO.

(Monk) YEAH. ANYWAY...

HE, UH, HE SENT ME THIS TICKET,

AND I PROMISED I MIGHT SHOW UP.

IT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD SEAT. IT'S--

I-I HAVE TO SIT IN A BOX.

[mutters] SIT IN A BOX.

A PRESS BOX.

OH, NO.

A PRESS BOX WITH BOB COSTAS.

[laughing] LOOK AT THIS-- AN ALL-ACCESS PASS IN HERE.

(men) OH!

YOU CAN GO INTO THE LOCKER ROOM WITH THAT.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO GO IN THE LOCKER ROOM?

HANG ON.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

MONK, THERE ARE TWO TICKETS HERE.

OH, YEAH.

YEAH.

WHO YOU GONNA TAKE?

NATALIE.

I WAS GONNA TAKE NATALIE.

YEAH...

MR. MONK, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR ONE SECOND?

DON'T WORRY--I'M NOT GONNA CHARGE YOU FOR THE TICKET.

HERE YOU GO.

MR. MONK, YOU SHOULD TAKE THE CAPTAIN.

HE REALLY WANTS TO GO. NO.

IT'LL BE FUN, YOU AND LELAND AT THE BIG GAME,

HANGIN' OUT, COUPLE OF GUYS.

YOU'LL HAVE SOME MALE BONDING TIME.

I THINK I'D BE MORE COMFORTABLE

HAVING MALE BONDING TIME WITH YOU.

NO. GO.

HE'S GONNA WANT TO GO IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

GO!

THANK YOU.

(man) CONDORS. CONDORS!

[tires squeal]

[car alarm chirps on]

WE'RE GOIN' ALL THE WAY!

(man) OH, YEAH, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

COME ON, RIGHT HERE.

HELP YOURSELF!

DON'T MIND IF I DO, BROTHER.

THAT'S RIGHT, CONDORS!

(man) CONDORS! WHOO!

THERE YOU ARE. PRETTY SWEET, HUH?

WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE,

AND WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?

IT'S A TAILGATE PARTY, MONK.

PEOPLE GET HERE EARLY, AND THEY START TO PARTY

AND THEY GET ALL PUMPED UP FOR THE GAME.

BUT THEY'RE--THEY'RE NOT ACTUALLY PLAYING IN THE GAME.

WELL, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

THE TRICK IS NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU JUST GOTTA TURN YOUR MIND OFF.

YOU DO HAVE AN OFF SWITCH, RIGHT?

I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL, HERE. YOU CAN BORROW MINE.

BEER: NATURE'S OFF SWITCH.

NO, THANKS. I THINK I'LL PASS.

[laughing]

HEY! LOOK AT THIS GUY.

PACE YOURSELF, BUDDY.

IT ISN'T EVEN KICKOFF YET!

YEAH. GET A...JOB.

HIPPIE.

'SCUSE ME, SIR.

COULD I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

I'M TAKING A LITTLE SURVEY. OF COURSE.

DO YOU HAVE... CONDOR FEVER?

[blows air horn] [crowd cheering]

I DO NOW. THANK YOU.

BECAUSE WE'VE GOT THE FEVER!

[crowd whooping, cheering]

[toot]

[Bob Costas on TV] SO THE PLAYOFFS GET ON THE WAY

AT SUMMIT STADIUM WITH THE WILDCATS AND THE CONDORS.

THE CONDORS HEAVILY FAVORED, AND YOU CAN SEE WHY.

[telephone rings]

[Costas continues]

[ringing]

YES, SIR?

OH, HEY, NATALIE, YEAH.

LISTEN, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.

I'M WATCHING THE GAME.

NO. NO, NO, IT'S JUST ME.

[sportscaster talking]

YEAH. NO, IT'S GREAT. IT'S BETTER THAN BEING THERE.

CAN I TALK TO YOU LATER?

UH-HUH. UH-HUH. OKAY.

BYE.

[man continues]

THINK I'M WATCHIN' THE GAME.

HEY, POPS! YA FEELIN' IT?

I SAID ARE YOU FEELING IT?!

YEAH, I'M FEELIN' IT.

I'M FEELIN' IT. FEELIN' IT?

I'M FEELIN' IT!

WHOO-WHOO-WHOO!

FEELIN' IT? YEAH!

WHOO! YEAH! YEAH, YEAH!

[whooping]

DID YOU ENJOY CIVILIZATION, LELAND?

I SURE DID.

IT WAS A HELL OF A RUN.

8,000 YEARS.

(man) WELL, WHEN YOU'RE THE DEFENDING CHAMPIONS,

THIS IS THE GAME... [continues indistinctly]

[overlapping chatter]

HA HA! CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!

GREAT SEATS. PERFECT WEATHER.

IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

YOU SAID IT!

(man) TICKETS.

THIS IS BETTER THAN SEX. WELL, WHAT ISN'T?

TICKETS.

TICKETS.

TICKETS.

THIS WILL JUST TAKE A MINUTE.

I WANNA THANK YOU IN ADVANCE

FOR YOUR PATIENCE.

WHAT--WHAT'D YOU DO? YOU SEALED THE ENVELOPE?

ALMOST--ALMOST THERE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIRE UP THE GRILL!

WHOO! [laughing]

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MONK, IT'S ALMOST KICK-OFF TIME.

JUST--JUST TEAR IT OPEN.

GIMME THAT.

[chuckles]

WHOO, WHOO!

WHOA, EASY WITH THAT STUFF.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOU BIG BABY.

YOU'RE LIKE A CHILD.

I'M NOT--I'M NOT A CHILD.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE SOMEONE ELSE?

I KNOW YOU WANT TO.

NO, NO, NO, HEY, HEY, HEY, COME HERE.

I DON'T WANNA TAKE ANYBODY ELSE, MONK, OKAY?

I'M HERE WITH YOU. I'M HAVING FUN WITH YOU.

HERE WE GO. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME.

[explosion]

[screaming]

WHAT WAS THAT? UH...

WHAT WAS THAT? I DON'T KNOW.

[stammering] GIVE HIM THE TICKETS.

NO, REALLY, WE SHOULD-- WE SHOULD GO CHECK THAT OUT.

DON'T YOU THINK? WE SHOULD-- CHECK WHAT OUT?

(sportscaster) SO THE PLAYOFFS

GET UNDER WAY AT SUMMIT STADIUM.

IT'S THE WILDCATS AND THE CONDORS.

THE CONDORS HEAVILY FAVORED, AND YOU CAN SEE WHY.

THAT PASS COMBINATION OF DICK BLAYLOCK TO SCOTT SIDELL...

YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN.

IF YOU WERE STANDING ANY CLOSER,

YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN KILLED.

BETTER GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL.

NO, NO, NOT TODAY, PAL!

I'VE NEVER MISSED A CONDORS GAME IN MY LIFE!

(crowd) GO, CONDORS!

[cheering]

HOW'S THIS FOR A BANDAGE?

[grunts]

GOOD AS NEW.

BETTER THAN NEW! CONDORS!

[whooping]

[laughing]

I GUESS I'M DONE HERE.

[commotion]

WHAT WAS THAT?

THAT WAS THE OPENING KICKOFF.

WE'RE OFFICIALLY MISSING THE GAME.

WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?

MONK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WITH THE HANDS--WHAT--

IT'S JUST A CHARCOAL GRILL.

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

WHY WOULD IT JUST EXPLODE?

MONK, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

THESE THINGS BLOW UP ALL THE TIME.

FIRST OFF, THE KID WAS PLASTERED.

HE DUMPS A HALF A GALLON

OF LIGHTER FLUID ON THE SON OF A BITCH,

DROPPED A MATCH, AND KABOOM!

(men) OH! OH!

(Stottlemeyer) JEEZ! OH, NO, NO, NO, NO!

FIRST PLAY OF THE GAME, AND WE'RE ALREADY BEHIND.

THAT'S NOT LIGHTER FLUID.

[muttering] GOOD, GOOD.

GOOD FIELD POSITION.

THAT'S GASOLINE.

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

I DIDN'T DO IT.

WELL, AT LEAST QUIT SMILING.

MAN, THIS IS BETTER THAN THE GRILL.

THIS IS AUTHENTIC.

THIS IS HOW THE PIONEERS USED TO EAT.

CAP? WHAT?

WE'RE ON DUTY.

[laughs] I'M NOT ON DUTY.

(man) OH, MAN!

THIS IS A HORROR SHOW! (second man) DEFENSE IS KILLIN' US, MAN.

THEY GOTTA GET LANDAU OUTTA THERE!

THEY DON'T HAVE ANYONE ELSE. GITELSON DIDN'T SHOW UP TODAY.

THEY WERE JUST TALKIN' ABOUT IT.

HE'S M.I.A. NOBODY KNOWS WHERE HE'S AT. WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON?

OUR BACKUP QUARTERBACK DOESN'T EVEN SHOW UP.

NO, NO, WAIT!

DAVY GITELSON. HE'S DEFINITELY HERE.

I SAW HIM THIS MORNING.

I ASKED HIM FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH. HE BLEW ME OFF.

I THINK IT WAS HIM.

'SCUSE ME. IT'S CHET, RIGHT?

WE'RE THE POLICE, WONDERING IF WE COULD

ASK A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THE FIRE.

SURE.

I-I FOUND THIS CONDORS WATER BOTTLE--

(all) CONDORS!

WHOO!

YES, THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

UM, THERE WAS SOME GASOLINE...IN IT.

SEE?

DID YOU NOTICE ANYBODY TAMPERING WITH YOUR GRILL?

OH, I FIGURED. IT'S NO BIG MYSTERY.

EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO DID IT.

THEY DO, HUH?

YEAH, THIS GUY NAMED CORY SOMETHING.

HE DRIVES UP FROM L.A., HIM AND HIS MORON LOSER FRIENDS.

LEGALLY, WE CAN'T STOP HIM FROM PARKIN' HERE.

BELIEVE ME, WE CHECKED.

WHY WOULD THEY WANNA SABOTAGE YOUR GRILL?

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE THE WILDCATS SUCK!

YEAH! YEAH!

YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN, LOSERS, DOWN!

WILDCATS SUCK!

[booing]

WE'RE WILDCAT FANS, MONK.

IT'S A BIG RIVALRY.

TWO YEARS AGO, THEY PUT A BAG OF BEES IN MY CAR.

YEAH, THEN HIS MOM SPAT ON MY MOM.

THEN WE FLIPPED HIS RV.

GOD, I LOVE FOOTBALL!

[whooping]

I TOLD YOU IT WAS JUST A FAN.

I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE.

I WISH WE HAD SOME LAB EQUIPMENT.

WE COULD DUST FOR PRINTS. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH?

I WISH THERE WAS TWO OF ME

SO ONE OF ME COULD BE OUT HERE WASTING MY LIFE WITH YOU,

AND THE OTHER ONE COULD BE IN THERE

WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME WITH BOB COSTAS.

HELLO!

WE COME IN PEACE.

LOOKIN' FOR A FELLOW NAMED CORY?

'SCUSE ME. YEAH.

CAN WE HELP YOU? YES, SIR, I HOPE SO.

WE'RE WITH THE SAN FRANCISCO POLICE DEPARTMENT.

WE'RE INVESTIGATING AN ARSON FIRE

THAT TOOK PLACE OVER IN SECTION 15 ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR AGO.

THAT CAN'T BE A REAL BADGE, HUH?

PARDON ME?

WELL, NO SELF-RESPECTING POLICE DEPARTMENT IN AMERICA

WOULD LET LELAND "HOUND DOG" STOTTLEMEYER

CARRY A LOADED WEAPON!

BUTTERMAN!

CORY BUTTERMAN!

HEY!

FRED! FRED!

[laughing]

HEY, MONK, THESE ARE MY BUDDIES FROM HIGH SCHOOL!

THIS IS, UM...

ADRIAN MONK. ADRIAN.

YEAH. HOW YOU DOIN'?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

WHAT?

YOU MOVE UP HERE, SUDDENLY YOU'RE A CONDOR FAN?

I HAVEN'T LIVED IN LOS ANGELES FOR 30 YEARS,

AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

L.A. STILL DOESN'T HAVE A FOOTBALL TEAM.

OOH!

[laughing]

YOU UGLY, DUMB SON OF A BITCH!

HEY, HEY, HEY.

THIS MAN IS A FRIEND OF MINE.

YOU WANNA MAKE FUN OF HIM,

YOU HAVE TO MAKE FUN OF ME FIRST.

MONK... MONK, THEY'RE JUST FOOLING.

IT--IT'S OKAY. THEY'RE JUST--

IT'S JUST GUY TALK.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHAT I WAS...DOING.

I WAS--THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.

WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE YELLOW TEETH?

DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO BRUSH?

AND YOU--HEY.

THE MOON CALLED...

IT WANTS ALL ITS CRATERS BACK.

FROM YOUR...SKIN.

[softly] 'CAUSE YOU GOT BAD SKIN.

HA.

[Stottlemeyer chuckling]

SO, UM, HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU GUYS MARRIED?

OH, YEAH, MAN. READ 'EM AND WEEP.

THE PARTY'S OVER.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, MAN?

OH, HE WAS MARRIED, AND HE GOT DIVORCED.

AND THEN HIS LAST GIRLFRIEND...

[laughing] GOT ARRESTED FOR MURDER.

RIGHT, YOU UGLY,

DUMB, SAD, LONELY...

S-STUPID, SAD SON OF A...

RIGHT?

ARE YOU REALLY A COP? YEAH.

CAN YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS?

I MEAN, FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.

WHAT, A SPEEDING TICKET?

HEY, THAT--

THAT'S 2:40 P.M. TODAY.

THAT'S ONLY... THAT'S ONLY 35 MINUTES AGO.

YEAH, WELL, I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

SO, UH, WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT A FIRE?

IF IT WAS MY KIDS, I'LL KILL 'EM.

THEY'VE BEEN BUTTING HEADS WITH THESE CONDOR FANS FOR YEARS.

ACTUALLY, THIS TICKET MEANS THAT YOU AND YOUR BOYS

ARE OFF THE HOOK.

IT HAPPENED BEFORE YOU GOT HERE,

SO THIS IS WHAT WE CALL AN ALIBI.

IN THAT CASE, LET'S PLAY SOME BALL!

LET'S SEE IF YOU STILL GOT THAT STOTTLEMEYER TOUCH!

HIKE IT UP, HIKE IT UP, HIKE IT UP!

GO LONG!

GO LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG!

[car alarm blares]

STILL GOT IT... STOTTLEMEYER TOUCH.

WHOO-HOO! GO, CONDORS.

RANDY?

SOMEBODY ORDER SOME PIZZA?

RANDY?

RANDY!

HELLO?

OH! OUT OF BOUNDS. THAT'S OUT OF BOUNDS.

GOD, YOU'RE BLIND!

UH, WHAT'S THE SCORE?

DOWN BY 9.

WAIT...NO, 6.

CAN YOU HOLD THIS?

OH...PIZZA!

(Costas) CONDORS HEAVILY FAVORED, AND YOU CAN SEE WHY.

THAT PASSING COMBINATION

OF DICK BLAYLOCK TO SCOTT SIDELL...

IS THAT BLOOD?

YEAH. IT'S FROM THE EVIDENCE ROOM, SO DON'T TOUCH IT.

I WON'T TOUCH IT.

SERVING.

THANK YOU.

I WISH WE HAD BENDY STRAWS.

[Stottlemeyer chuckling] I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO RUN WITH THOSE GUYS.

WE ALL GOT SUSPENDED ONE TIME.

WE HAD THIS NEW VICE PRINCIPAL--

THE IMPORTANT THING IS, THOUGH, THAT THEY HAVE AN ALIBI.

SPEEDING TICKET, RIGHT?

OH, JESUS, MONK, YOU BACK ON THAT?

GIVE IT A REST! NO, I THINK WE SHOULD PACK UP THAT GRILL--

MONK! IT WAS JUST A PRANK.

YEAH, BUT WHAT IF IT WASN'T?

YOU HEARD THE PARAMEDIC.

THAT GUY COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

NO, SOMETHING IS GOIN' ON HERE.

FEELS MORE LIKE ATTEMPTED MURDER.

HEY!

YOU WANT THIS TO BE ATTEMPTED MURDER!

YOU DO. YEAH, ADMIT IT!

YOU NEED THIS TO BE A REAL CASE,

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU KNOW.

SNOOPIN' AROUND, SNIFFIN' AROUND.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THE GRILL.

YOU PROBABLY ARE.

BUT...IT CAN WAIT. IT CAN WAIT.

WE CAN LOCK THE SCENE DOWN. NOBODY'S GOIN' ANYWHERE.

TICKETS HERE. WHO NEEDS TWO, WHO NEEDS TWO?

HEY, ISN'T THAT ILLEGAL? THAT'S ILLEGAL.

IT'S A FOOTBALL GAME, MONK!

COME ON, USE THE OFF SWITCH.

EVERYBODY HAS AN OFF SWITCH, RIGHT?

HE'S PROBABLY SELLING THEM FOR TWICE WHAT THEY'RE WORTH.

MAYBE NOT.

ALL RIGHT, LELAND, WAIT. WAIT A SECOND!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK... YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE I AM OVERTHINKING IT.

I-I ALWAYS DO.

LET'S JUST LOCK DOWN THE SCENE,

AND THEN WE'LL GO TO THE GAME.

THE OFF SWITCH?

CLICK.

CLICK.

CHANGED YOUR MIND, HUH?

A WOMAN'S PREROGATIVE.

PRESS BOX, LEVEL THREE.

[laughs] PRESS BOX, LEVEL THREE!

TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE, BUDDY.

THAT RING...

WHAT?

THIS RING.

YEAH! YEAH, THAT'S THE CHAMPIONSHIP RING.

YEAH, THE RING--

THEY WON LAST YEAR. SEE THAT?

SEE THE STRIPES?

ON THE BAND.

YEAH? WHAT ABOUT 'EM?

WHAT?

WHAT?

OH, NO! MONK!

HEY, THAT'S A REAL RING.

THIS MUST BE THE PLAYER THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT,

THE ONE WHO DIDN'T SHOW UP.

DAVID GITELSON, NUMBER 18.

CAPTAIN, HE'S COLD.

HEY, WAS THAT REALLY DAVY GITELSON?

YES, SIR.

DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM THIS MORNING,

AND YOU ASKED HIM FOR AN AUTOGRAPH?

I DID?

I DON'T THINK SO!

THERE GOES YOUR STAR WITNESS.

[whistles] BACKUP QUARTERBACK, HUH?

YEAH.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING TILL AFTER THE GAME.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? DRUG DEAL OR STEROIDS?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

HERE, LOOK AT THIS. HE WAS SITTIN' ON IT.

THE PLAYBOOK!

(Monk) PLAYBOOK? YEAH.

EVERY PLAYER GETS ONE. THE WHOLE GAME PLAN'S IN HERE.

[laughing] OH, OH... KEEP AN EYE ON THAT.

YEAH, UH, CAPTAIN, THIS IS SEAN METZGER,

DAVID GITELSON'S PERSONAL DRIVER.

HE WAS THE LAST PERSON TO SEE GITELSON ALIVE.

WELL, LIKE I TOLD THE LIEUTENANT,

I DROPPED HIM OFF THIS MORNING,

JUST LIKE ANY GAME DAY.

6:15, MAYBE 6:20.

HE WENT INTO THE STADIUM, AND THAT WAS IT.

I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN.

DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

DID HE SEEM WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING?

OH, NO, SIR, HE WAS EXCITED,

UP FOR THE GAME.

UH, YOU HAVE A...

YOU HAVE A SMUDGE THERE.

WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

WHAT HAPPENED? I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU REMEMBER EVERY LITTLE SMUDGE

YOU EVER GOT ON YOUR CLOTHING?

YES. YES, I DO.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. MONK...

I HAD A BEER. IS THAT A CRIME?

UH, NO. NO. NO, IT ISN'T.

IS THAT IT? CAN I GO?

THIS--THIS WHOLE THING IS KINDA FREAKING ME OUT.

I'D LIKE TO GET HOME AND TRY TO SHAKE IT OFF.

YEAH, SURE, YOU CAN GO,

BUT MAKE SURE THE LIEUTENANT KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE.

WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM GO?

BECAUSE, MONK, I-I CAN'T HOLD HIM.

HE'S--HE'S JUST A WITNESS.

THAT WAS A CHARCOAL SMUDGE ON HIS JACKET

AND THE SMELL OF GASOLINE ON HIS LAPEL.

YOU'RE STILL ON THE GRILL.

WHAT GRILL?

SOMEBODY'S BARBECUE GRILL CAUGHT FIRE RIGHT BEFORE KICKOFF--

SO WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH GITELSON? GOOD QUESTION.

I THINK SOMEHOW THEY'RE CONNECTED.

OKAY, LOOK. IT'S YOUR DAY OFF.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE YOU CAN DO HERE.

YOU TWO GO AND ENJOY THE GAME.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS. REALLY?

WELL, YEAH, TURNS OUT IT'S NOT OUR CASE ANYWAY.

CHIEF BRENNER JUST CALLED, AND HE'S SENDING A SQUAD DOWN.

I'M SUPPOSED TO STICK AROUND AND BRING HIM UP TO SPEED.

HA! DID YOU HEAR THAT?

IT'S NOT OUR CASE. LET'S GO.

ENJOY THE GAME!

OH, HEY, UH...

TELL BOB COSTAS RANDY DISHER SAYS HI.

DOES HE KNOW YOU?

NO.

WELL, THEN, WOULDN'T THAT JUST CONFUSE HIM?

ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

LET'S GO!

GO, CONDORS!

OH, HELL.

I'M SORRY, I-- I CAN'T DO IT.

OF COURSE YOU CAN, MONK. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OFF SWITCH?

COME ON, CLICKETY-CLICK, CLICK, CLICK.

IT'S NOT WORKING. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

I THINK WE SHOULD TALK TO THAT GUY AGAIN,

THAT CHET WALSH WITH THE FUNNY FOAMY FINGER.

REMEMBER? HE HAD THIS BIG, FOAMY FINGER--

I KNOW WHO YOU MEAN, MONK.

HE SAID HE SAW GITELSON THIS MORNING!

LOOK, MONK...

IT'S OUT OF OUR JURISDICTION. IT'S NOT OUR CASE.

WE'LL JUST BE IN THE WAY, OKAY?

COME ON, EVERY GOOD COP KNOWS YOU CAN'T BE IN IT 24/7.

EVEN GOD TOOK A DAY OFF.

AND WHAT DAY DID HE TAKE OFF? IT WAS SUNDAY.

WHY DID HE TAKE OFF SUNDAY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY SUNDAY.

SO HE COULD WATCH FOOTBALL!

HUH? COME ON!

YOU USED TO BE A FUN GUY.

I DON'T THINK SO.

YEAH. NO, I REMEMBER.

I REMEMBER THE TIME WHEN YOU GRADUATED, RIGHT?

WE STOLE THAT ROWBOAT, YOU, ME, AND TRUDY.

AND THE LAKE PATROL STOPPED US,

AND YOU STARTED SPEAKING SPANISH.

NOW, THAT WAS FUNNY!

THAT WAS FUNNY! WHERE'S THAT GUY?

TRUDY DIED.

YES, TRUDY DIED, BUT YOU DIDN'T DIE.

YOU'RE ALIVE.

ALIVE IS A FUNNY WORD.

COULD I HAVE MY TICKET, PLEASE?

WAIT A SECOND.

'CAUSE I'M GOIN' IN THERE WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.

[horn honking] HEY, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

MOVE THE CAR! MOVE IT, I'M TRYING TO GET OUT!

[honking] IT'S CALLED REVERSE. YOU CAN'T MISS IT.

IT'S A BIG "R"!

YOU AGAIN.

YES, SIR. ME AGAIN.

YOU'RE MISSING THE GAME.

MAYBE THE REAL GAME

IS OUT HERE IN THE PARKING LOT.

HAVE YOU BEEN SIPHONING GAS?

FROM MY OWN CAR? WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU TELL ME.

NO. YOU TELL ME.

NO YO TELL ME.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT, OKAY?

THEY SAID I COULD LEAVE, SO I'M LEAVING.

WE HAD AN EXPLOSION HERE TODAY.

THE GUY WAS BURNED.

NAME WAS CHET WALSH.

NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

FOOTBALL JERSEY. BIG CONDORS FAN.

DRUNK, YELLING ALL THE TIME.

IT'S A TAILGATE PARTY.

YOU'RE DESCRIBING EVERYBODY HERE.

I'M PRETTY SURE YOU KNOW THIS GUY...

'CAUSE YOU TRIED TO KILL HIM ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW MUCH, DO YOU?

WOULD YOU MOVE AWAY FROM THE CAR, PLEASE?

I'M GOING HOME.

SEAN METZGER! [honks]

YOU CAN TRY AND LEAVE THIS STADIUM.

YOU CAN DRIVE AWAY...

BUT YOU'RE NOT REALLY GOING ANYWHERE.

[honking]

THE WHEELS OF JUSTICE MAY TURN SLOWLY,

BUT--

SOONER OR LATER...

THEY ALWAYS...

WIND UP...

WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?

YOU SAID YOU WERE HERE ABOUT 6:30 THIS MORNING.

YOU SAW DAVY GITELSON COMING THROUGH THAT DOOR...

RIGHT.

RIGHT. AND YOU ASKED HIM FOR AN AUTOGRAPH,

BUT HE IGNORED YOU.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

YOU SAID HE WAS UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING.

RIGHT!

HE KEPT REPEATING SOMETHING OVER AND OVER.

RIGHT!

[crowd cheers in background]

WHAT WAS HE YELLING?

CHET!

OUT OF ORDER!

"IT'S OUT OF ORDER." THAT'S WHAT HE KEPT SAYIN'.

WHAT--WHAT WAS OUT OF ORDER?

I DON'T KNOW!

MUSTA BEEN...SOMETHIN'!

SOMETHING.

THAT'S A BIG HELP. THANK YOU.

IT'S NOT THE PHONE.

SOMETHING IS OUT OF ORDER.

IT'S OUT OF ORDER. MUST BE INSIDE.

[beep]

WHOA HO HO HO HO!

IT'S AN ALL-ACCESS PASS.

COME ON.

DUDE!

YOU'RE LIKE MY BEST FRIEND.

YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING SAD?

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND TOO.

OH...

SO THE WILDCATS TAKE YET ANOTHER TIME OUT,

AND WITH THE SCORE STILL TIED, WE'LL BE BACK RIGHT AFTER THIS.

SO HE WAS MURDERED, HUH?

YEAH.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

WELL, YOU KNOW, THESE THINGS HAPPEN EVERY DAY.

YEAH, BUT IT'S HEARTBREAKING.

WHERE'S ADRIAN?

OH, HE'S OUTSIDE. HE'S WORKIN' THE CASE.

HE CAN'T GIVE IT UP.

THAT'S JUST LIKE HIM.

THE MONOMANIACAL MR. MONK.

DID HE EVER TELL YOU HOW WE MET?

NO, NOT REALLY.

HE MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT A DEMENTED CAT SALESMAN.

WELL, NO, THAT'S NOT IT EXACTLY.

THERE'S A DISTINCTION HERE, AND IT'S REALLY--

IT'S FASCINATING.

THE CAT SALESMAN WAS NOT DEMENTED.

HE SOLD DEMENTED CATS.

NO, NO, BUT REALLY, UNDERSTAND.

HE HAD A SIAMESE WHO WAS MANIC-DEPRESSIVE.

HE HAD A PARANOID PERSIAN.

THE GUY TRIED TO SELL ME A CALICO KITTEN

WHO WAS COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC--EVIL!

I MEAN, IT TRIED TO KILL ME. THE KITTEN TRIED TO KILL ME.

MM-HMM. OKAY, NICE GAME THOUGH, HUH?

IT--IT'S A GREAT GAME. YEAH!

HE HAD A BURMESE-- MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES.

ONE OF WHICH WAS A DOG.

THAT'S HOW WEIRD IT WAS.

I'M NOT REALLY A CAT PERSON.

WELL, IT'S-- THESE ARE THE FACTS.

I'M JUST TELLIN' YA.

THIS ONE WORKS?

THEY ALL WORK.

SO WHAT WAS OUT OF ORDER?

[chewing] I DON'T KNOW. IT'S LIKE A MYSTERY.

[cell phone rings] OH!

THIS IS CHET!

WHAT ARE THEY OFFERING?

DON'T KID YOURSELF. 55 MILLION MEANS 70 MILLION.

WE DON'T COUNTER TILL THEY HIT THE NUMBER.

I'LL CALL YA LATER.

WHO ARE YOU?

HEDGE FUND MANAGER. BUT NOT TODAY.

CONDORS!

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE SNAP. WILDCATS BLITZING.

AND IT'S PICKED OFF AGAIN!

THAT'S THE THIRD CONDOR TURNOVER.

THE DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR OF THE WILDCATS,

BRIAN BINSACK,

HAS BEEN ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE CONDORS ALL GAME LONG.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF HE'S READING THEIR MINDS.

YOU KNOW, WITH HEAD COACH KENT MCFARLAND

SCHEDULED TO RETIRE AT THE END OF THE YEAR

FOR THE WILDCATS, I'D SAY THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING,

BINSACK IS A SHOE-IN TO GET THE JOB.

I GOT IT!

I KNOW WHO KILLED DAVY GITELSON.

IT WASN'T A VENDING MACHINE.

I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHAT WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

SOMETHING WAS OUT OF ORDER, RIGHT?

BUT IT WASN'T ANY MACHINE.

IT WAS THE PLAYBOOK.

THE TEAM PLAYBOOK!

I REMEMBER NOW.

I SAW THE BOOK.

SOME OF THE PAGES WERE MIXED UP.

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

HIS LIMO DRIVER, SEAN METZGER,

WAS IN A PERFECT POSITION TO STEAL THE CONDORS' PLAYBOOK.

HE PROBABLY ONLY HAD A FEW MINUTES.

HE MADE A QUICK COPY, AND AT SOME POINT,

THE PAGES MUST HAVE GOTTEN MIXED UP.

HE SOLD THE XEROXED COPY

TO THAT COACH FROM THE WILDCATS.

HE MADE A FEW BUCKS.

HE PROBABLY THOUGHT THAT WAS THE END OF IT.

BUT THIS MORNING, AFTER HE GOT DROPPED OFF,

GITELSON REALIZED SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

IT'S OUT OF ORDER!

IT'S ALL OUT OF ORDER!

HA! WHAT?

WILL YOU SIGN THAT? NO, LOOK, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY.

HE FIGURED OUT WHAT HAPPENED.

HE WENT LOOKING FOR THE DRIVER.

THE FIGHT MUST HAVE ESCALATED. METZGER PANICKED.

HE HID THE BODY IN PLAIN SIGHT...

AT THE TAILGATE PARTY.

THAT'S WHY METZGER WAS TRYING TO KILL YOU.

HE SAW YOU TWO TALKING.

HE THOUGHT YOU KNEW TOO MUCH.

HEDGE FUND MANAGER.

YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW, CALL THE COPS?

NO. THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME.

IF HE DESTROYS THAT PLAYBOOK, WE DON'T HAVE A CASE.

IT'S PROBABLY IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

WHAT?

WELL, THIS MORNING, THE CONDORS WERE FAVORED BY 12,

BUT THE WILDCAT DEFENSE

HAS PLAYED A NEARLY FLAWLESS FIRST TWO QUARTERS OF FOOTBALL,

AND AS WE SEND YOU BACK TO THE STUDIO

FOR THE HALFTIME SHOW,

IT'S ALL TIED UP 10 TO 10.

10 TO 10.

MONK'D LOVE THAT, HUH?

[sighs] YEP.

(man) ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY SETTLE DOWN!

SETTLE DOWN! EYES UP FRONT.

THAT WAS A GOOD FIRST HALF. BUT WE HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO.

THE KEY IS TO MAINTAIN CONTROL.

STAY FOCUSED.

THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO CHANGE SOME THINGS UP ON US

IN THE SECOND HALF.

LOOK FOR THE TRIPLE OPTION...

OUT OF THE WISHBONE FORMATION.

TRIPLE OPTION? COACH, I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT SINCE COLLEGE.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA SEE IT TODAY--YOU COUNT ON IT.

GRUMLEY ON THEIR FIRST POSSESSION.

ALL RIGHT, DANTE, TAKE US HOME.

OKAY, GUYS, LET'S TAKE A KNEE.

LORD, LET YOUR LIGHT CONTINUE TO SHINE

ON THIS TEAM TODAY.

GIVE US THE WISDOM AND THE STRENGTH

TO ACCEPT WHATEVER FORTUNE BEFALLS THIS TEAM TODAY.

GIVE US THE POWER TO DEVOUR THE OTHER TEAM.

GIVE US THE STRENGTH AND THE DISCIPLINE

TO REMAIN CALM IN ALL HARD TIMES.

HELP US DOMINATE THE OTHER SIDE, LORD.

GIVE US THE POWER

TO JUST TOTALLY ANNIHILATE THE OTHER TEAM.

AMEN.

(team) AMEN.

HEY, THAT'S OUR PLAYBOOK!

NO, NO, THIS IS NOT YOUR PLAYBOOK!

THIS IS STOLEN PROPERTY.

I'M A FORMER POLICE OFFICER. HERE'S THE THING...

WILDCATS SUCK!

SECURITY, GET THAT PLAYBOOK!

SECURITY! GET THAT BOOK!

HEY, BOB. YEAH.

I GOTTA GO.

NOW? IT'S ONLY HALFTIME.

YEAH, I KNOW. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. NO PROBLEM.

BUT MY BEST FRIEND, GREAT GUY, AN AMAZING GUY,

I LEFT HIM DOWNSTAIRS ALONE, AND HE DESERVES BETTER.

SURE. I-I UNDERSTAND.

IS HE WITH MONK?

SECURITY! GET THAT BOOK!

GET HIM! GET THE BOOK!

(Stottlemeyer) MONK! MONK!

MONK!

MONK!

[laughing]

IS THE GAME OVER?

[laughing] YEAH.

WHO WON?

[panting]

WE DID.

BACK AT SUMMIT STADIUM,

WHERE THE CONDORS HAVE COME FROM BEHIND

AND DEFEATED THE WILDCATS 27-24

IN ONE OF THE GREATEST PLAYOFF GAMES EVER.

MEANWHILE, THERE WAS PLENTY OF DRAMA AWAY FROM THE FIELD,

AND HERE TO TELL US ABOUT IT IS CAPTAIN LELAND STOTTLEMEYER

OF THE SAN FRANCISCO POLICE

ALONG WITH FORMER DETECTIVE ADRIAN MONK.

UH, CAPTAIN, WE JUST SAW

THE DEFENSIVE COACH OF THE WILDCATS

LED AWAY FROM THE STADIUM IN HANDCUFFS.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL US?

WELL, MR. BINSACK HAS BEEN ARRESTED

AND CHARGED WITH RECEIPT OF STOLEN PROPERTY.

MONK...

AND, UH, I CAN ALSO TELL YOU

THAT DAVY GITELSON'S PERSONAL DRIVER

HAS ALSO BEEN ARRESTED IN MARIN COUNTY.

BOB. BOB.

WELL, I'D SAY

FROM THE STANDPOINT OF LAW ENFORCEMENT,

YOU AND MR. MONK ARE THE MVPs TODAY.

HMM!

YOU KNOW, FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW,

ADRIAN MONK IS A LEGEND IN SAN FRANCISCO,

AND ON A PERSONAL NOTE, A FEW YEARS BACK,

THIS MAN LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE.

NO, I-I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

THE TRUTH-- HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

YOU WERE THERE! THE CAT TRIED TO KILL ME!

YOU WEREN'T REALLY IN ANY DANGER.

IT WAS A LITTLE CALICO CAT.

IT WAS ABOUT THIS BIG.

WAIT A MINUTE--YOU PROVED IT. YOU SOLVED THE CASE.

THE CAT PLANNED THE WHOLE THING OUT.

SHE WAS GONNA KILL ME WITH THAT SQUEEZE TOY.

YEAH...THE TRUTH IS

[softly] I JUST WANTED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

YEAH. LOOK, I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE.

BOB, CUT TO A COMMERCIAL.

I GUESS THAT DOES IT.

FROM SUMMIT STADIUM, AGAIN THE FINAL--

THE CONDORS 27, THE WILDCATS 24.

I'M BOB COSTAS SAYING SO LONG.

AND ONE LAST TIME...

THE CAT WAS DEFINITELY TRYING TO KILL ME.

RANDY'S RIGHT. THIS IS BETTER THAN BEING THERE.

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