Original subtitles

[drill whirring]

[door creaks open]

HELLO?

[door creaks shut]

HELLO?

HELLO?

YOU STAY THERE. DON'T MOVE.

AH, YOU KNOW,

I'VE BEEN CASING THIS JOINT ALL WEEK.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP BY NOW.

AAH!

[groaning]

[screams]

[groaning]

[screams]

[sighs, grunts]

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE

* DISORDER AND CONFUSION EVERYWHERE *

* NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE

* WELL, I DO

* HEY, WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE

* POISON IN THE VERY AIR WE BREATHE *

* DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THE WATER THAT YOU DRINK? *

* WELL, I DO, AND IT'S A-MA-ZING *

* PEOPLE THINK I'M CRAZY 'CAUSE I WORRY ALL THE TIME *

* IF YOU PAID ATTENTION, YOU'D BE WORRIED TOO *

* YOU'D BETTER PAY ATTENTION OR THIS WORLD WE LOVE SO MUCH *

* MIGHT JUST KILL YOU

* I COULD BE WRONG NOW

* BUT I DON'T THINK SO

* 'CAUSE IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE *

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE *

YOU LIKE MY HAIR.

YEAH. I LIKE YOUR NEW HAIRCUT.

I THINK YOU DID A GOOD JOB.

WHAT'S THE CATCH?

THERE'S NO CATCH. I THINK IT LOOKS GOOD.

[chuckles] YOU'VE BEEN COMPLIMENTING ME ALL DAY.

FIRST YOU THINK I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK.

NOW YOU LIKE MY HAIRCUT?!

WHAT ARE YOU--WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU AFTER?

I MEAN...

YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING.

YOU WANT A DAY OFF, IS THAT IT?

YOU WANT TOMORROW OFF.

NO, MAYBE I LIKE YOU.

MAYBE I'M JUST BEING NICE. ISN'T THAT POSSIBLE?

[stammers] YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I TAKE IT BACK.

I--I THINK YOUR HAIRCUT LOOKS TERRIBLE, OKAY?

JEEZ, MR. MONK, YOU KNOW?

I--I'M JUST BEING NICE.

THERE ISN'T ALWAYS A CATCH.

ALL RIGHT, THE LIGHT IS BROKEN.

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST GO.

NO, IT SAYS, "DON'T WALK."

YEAH, BUT WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR TEN MINUTES.

THE LIGHT'S BROKEN. IT SAYS, "DON'T WALK."

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS?

YOU STAY HERE, I'M GONNA GO PICK UP OUR CHECKS.

I'LL BE BACK IN TEN MINUTES.

[stammers] HOW ABOUT THIS?

WE DON'T DO WHAT YOU SAID,

WE BOTH WAIT HERE,

AND WE GIVE IT A LITTLE MORE TIME.

OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU INSANE?!

IT SAYS, "DON'T WALK."

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

MR. MONK, THERE'S NO TRAFFIC.

THERE ARE NO CARS.

ARE YOU COMING?

ALL RIGHT. YOU STAY HERE.

I'LL BE BACK.

MORNING.

IS THAT THING BROKEN AGAIN?

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT LIGHT IS ALWAYS BREAKING DOWN.

I'VE CALLED THE TRAFFIC BUREAU ABOUT IT TWICE.

THEY DON'T LISTEN TO ME.

TO THEM, I'M JUST A CRAZY OLD COOT.

WELL, I'M GONNA GIVE IT ANOTHER HALF-HOUR.

NONSENSE.

WE'RE CROSSING THIS STREET.

IT SAYS, "DON'T WALK."

OH, IT'S JUST A RULE.

THERE'S NOBODY COMING.

HEY, BE A PIRATE.

IT'S FUN TO BE A PIRATE.

PIRATE?

COME ON.

THERE.

NOW, WASN'T THAT FUN?

CAN I CARRY YOUR BAG?

WELL, SURE. I THANK YOU.

(Disher) UH, SIGN HERE.

AND HERE.

OKAY, THAT'S IT. ALL PAID UP.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE HE IS. YOU MADE IT.

[sighs]

HEY, I HEARD YOU HAD A LITTLE DISAGREEMENT

WITH A "DON'T WALK" SIGN?

BUT HERE YOU ARE. I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT.

ACTUALLY, I HAD A LITTLE HELP.

HEY, DON'T TELL ME-- LITTLE OLD LADY

TOOK YOU BY THE ARM AND HELPED YOU ACROSS THE STREET.

WELL, SHE'S NOT THAT LITTLE.

THAT'S HER OVER THERE.

[chuckling]

THAT'S MARGE. HA! HOW PERFECT IS THAT?

YOU KNOW HER?

KNOW HER?

MONK, EVERY COP IN THE PRECINCT KNOWS HER.

THEY WISH THEY DIDN'T.

SHE'S HERE ALL THE TIME COMPLAINING.

(Marge) HE DOES IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

BOOM--I MEAN, LOUD.

YOU COULD HEAR IT FIVE BLOCKS AWAY.

MARGE. WE'VE WARNED HIM TWICE.

SEE, HE'S ALREADY BEEN CITED.

WELL, BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I CAN'T SLEEP. I CAN'T READ.

IT NEVER ENDS.

HE HAS A COURT DATE.

UH, NOVEMBER 17TH.

IF YOU CAN WAIT UNTIL THEN,

MAYBE THE JUDGE WILL ISSUE AN INJUNCTION.

HI. HI AGAIN.

IT--IT'S ADRIAN MONK, REMEMBER ME?

SURE. YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON?

DISTURBING THE PEACE. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

WELL, IT'S A BIG DEAL TO ME.

YOU KNOW, IT'S MY PEACE HE'S DISTURBING.

YEAH, IT'S HER PEACE. IT'S A BIG DEAL TO HER.

YEAH.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR,

MR. KEYES.

HE BOUGHT A SET OF DRUMS TWO WEEKS AGO,

AND I--I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN TEN DAYS.

I'M JUST DESPERATE

AND I CAN'T GET ANYBODY TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I WAS JUST EXPLAINING

TO MS. JOHNSON HERE

THAT THE DEPARTMENT HAS OTHER PRIORITIES.

WELL, MAYBE THE DEPARTMENT DOES,

BUT I DON'T.

OKAY, IF-- IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN,

CALL THE DISPATCHER

AND HAVE HIM FORWARD THE CALL TO ME, ADRIAN MONK.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

REALLY?

SURE.

THANK YOU.

NO, IT--

YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD BOY.

OH--

YEAH, YOU ARE. I CAN TELL BY YOUR EYES.

YEP.

I CAN TELL A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE.

I AM-- I AM A GOOD BOY.

YOU ARE.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF CANDY?

UM, YEAH. NO. I--I DON'T, UH--

TAKE IT. OKAY.

EXCUSE ME.

IS THAT ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY?

IS WHAT NECESSARY?

REMOVING THE BODY.

I'M MILES FRANKLIN. I'M THE CURATOR HERE.

AS YOU CAN SEE,

THIS IS A WORLD-RECORD MUSEUM.

SO I GATHERED.

THERE WAS ALREADY ONE VICTIM ON THE SWORDFISH.

THAT WAS ALREADY PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

YOU UNDERSTAND, THIS IS LIKE A GODSEND FOR US.

WE PRAY FOR THINGS LIKE THIS.

SIR, THE-- THAT'S A HUMAN BEING.

HE HAD A NAME. HE HAD A FAMILY.

WE PRAY FOR THINGS LIKE THIS.

THIS'LL BE BIGGER

THAN THOSE TWINS ON THE MOTORCYCLES.

WOULD YOU GO STAND OVER THERE, PLEASE?

WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT CANDY? WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

A FRIEND.

WHAT FRIEND?

I MADE A FRIEND. IT COULD HAPPEN.

IT'S THAT LADY, ISN'T IT?

THAT SWEET OLD LADY, MARGE.

SHE GAVE YOU CANDY!

THAT IS SO CUTE. YOU'RE EATING HER CANDY.

THAT'S ENOUGH ABOUT THE CANDY.

DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A ROBBERY.

[clears throat]

THERE WAS 250 BUCKS IN THE CASH REGISTER.

HE DIDN'T TOUCH IT.

WHAT ABOUT THE EXHIBITS? ANYTHING MISSING?

WE HAVEN'T DONE A FULL INVENTORY YET,

BUT I HAVEN'T NOTICED ANYTHING.

WHERE'S TOGO? WHERE'S WHO?

(Disher) TOGO THE EGG-EATING ROBOT. HE WAS RIGHT HERE.

HE'S RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I MISSED THAT.

TOGO'S BEEN HERE FOR YEARS.

(Franklin) IT'S A MECHANICAL DISPLAY.

GOOD WORK, RANDY.

HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS MISSING?

OH, I COME HERE EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY.

KIND OF LIKE A FAMILY TRADITION.

WHEN YOU WERE A KID.

YOU MEANT WHEN YOU WERE A KID.

YOU--

SAY, "YES," RANDY.

YES.

ALL RIGHT, SO THEY BROKE IN,

THEY KILLED A SECURITY GUARD,

AND STOLE AN EGG-EATING ROBOT.

YEAH, COULD THE MACHINE POSSIBLY BE INVOLVED?

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

WELL--WELL, IN SCIENCE FICTION,

THEY SOMETIMES COME ALIVE.

THEY BECOME SENTIENT.

WELL, IF THIS WERE A MOVIE, YOU'D BELIEVE ME.

IF THIS WERE A MOVIE, I COULD WALK OUT, RANDY.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

TIRE TRACKS.

THAT'S HYDRAULIC FLUID.

YEAH. TOGO WAS DRIPPING.

GET A SAMPLE OF THIS.

WELL, WE KNOW WE'RE LOOKING FOR ONE GUY.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE?

WELL, IF IT WERE TWO OR MORE,

THEY WOULD HAVE JUST CARRIED IT OUT.

THIS GUY BROUGHT IN A HAND TRUCK,

AND THIS SIGN LOOKS LIKE NEW--

NO NICKS OR SCRATCHES.

DIDN'T YOU SAY

THIS DISPLAY HAS BEEN HERE FOR YEARS?

OH, WE HAD TO REPLACE THAT PLAQUE.

ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO,

SOME NUT FROM BERKELEY SPRAY-PAINTED ALL OVER IT.

HE SAYS THAT HE BROKE THE WORLD RECORD

AND IT SHOULD BE HIM IN THE MUSEUM.

[cell phone rings] A JEALOUS EGG-EATER.

GOD HELP US, WE HAVE A MOTIVE.

(Natalie) HELLO.

YES. YES, HE IS.

HOLD ON ONE MINUTE.

(Natalie) MR. MONK.

IT'S MARGE.

HELLO.

[loud drumming] ADRIAN, THIS IS MARGE.

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, HONEY,

BUT YOU--YOU DID SAY I COULD CALL YOU ANYTIME.

MARGE, IS THAT YOU? I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU.

(Marge over phone) THAT'S HIM AGAIN!

THAT'S MY NEIGHBOR, I TELL YOU--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

HE'S JUST DRIVING ME CRAZY.

I AM AT MY WIT'S END.

[loud drumming]

[loud drumming]

[doorbell ringing]

YEAH.

HI.

I WONDER IF YOU COULD KEEP IT DOWN.

YOU'RE DISTURBING THE NEIGHBORS.

I'M PRACTICING. I'M A MUSICIAN.

I UNDERSTAND, BUT IT'S SO LOUD.

AND YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING ALL DAY,

AND--REALLY?

OH.

[scoffs]

I GET IT.

THE CRONE FROM NEXT DOOR SENT YOU.

SHE'S NOT A CRONE.

BUT WHAT ARE YOU,

HER FAVORITE NEPHEW?

LOOK, YOU TELL YOUR AUNTIE THAT I--I'M AN ARTIST

AND I'M EXPRESSING MYSELF.

WHAT, IF--IF PICASSO WAS LIVING NEXT DOOR TO HER,

WOULD SHE BE COMPLAINING ABOUT HIM?

I'M NOT HER NEPHEW. I--I'M WITH THE POLICE.

MORE OR LESS.

MORE OR LESS?

YEAH.

[clears throat]

OKAY.

OKAY WHAT?

NO, I WAS GONNA TAKE A BREAK ANYWAY.

OKAY, THEN.

OKAY.

WELL, HAVE A NICE...

QUIET DAY.

HE STOPPED? YEAH.

WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU SAY TO HIM?

WELL, I TOLD HIM YOU WERE A FRIEND OF MINE

AND, UH, HE GOT THE MESSAGE.

OH, JUST LIKE THAT, HUH?

[snaps fingers]

WELL, I'M IMPRESSED.

YOU'RE A REGULAR JOHN WAYNE.

UH, EXCEPT, YOU KNOW,

HE NEEDED A GUN.

[laughs]

ANYWAY,

I'M GLAD I COULD HELP.

AND, UH,

DON'T RECKON HE'LL BE BOTHERING YOU AGAIN.

[laughs] GUESS I'LL HAVE NATALIE PICK ME UP.

OH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I MEAN,

I GUESS YOU HAVE TO GO SOMEPLACE.

NOT REALLY.

GOOD, GOOD. COME ON IN, THEN.

YEAH, YOU JUST HAVE TO STAY HERE

AND TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.

[chuckles] OKAY.

(Monk) OH...

I BET YOU'RE HUNGRY, RIGHT?

BOYS ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY.

DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO EAT TODAY?

OH, I--I HAD THAT PEPPERMINT YOU GAVE ME.

OH, THAT'S NOT REAL FOOD.

I MEAN, FOOD.

I--I DON'T WANT TO IMPOSE.

[scoffs] I WAS JUST MAKING LUNCH.

I LOVE YOUR HOUSE.

DO YOU?

DID YOU GROW UP IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?

UH, I--I GREW UP

WISHING IT WAS A PLACE LIKE THIS.

IS THIS YOU?

YEAH.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO WRITE A COOKBOOK.

OF COURSE, I LET IT GO TILL I WAS 65,

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT MY SISTER SAID?

SHE SAID,

"YOU CAN'T WRITE A COOKBOOK AT 65.

BESIDES, NOBODY COOKS ANYMORE ANYWAY."

[chuckles]

SHE SAID, "YOU'RE 65. YOU RETIRE."

SO YOU TWO AREN'T CLOSE?

OH, WELL,

SHE MEANS WELL.

HMM.

A PIANO. DO YOU PLAY?

JUST ONE SONG. GREENSLEEVES.

MY HUSBAND THEO TAUGHT IT TO ME.

WELL, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.

WELL, THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU.

BUT I ONLY PLAY IT ONCE A YEAR.

ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

OH.

WHEN DID HE PASS?

12 YEARS AGO.

BY THE CALENDAR, 12 YEARS.

IN HERE, OF COURSE, THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY.

[sighs]

YOU HAD A CHILD.

I--I ONLY SEE THE ONE PHOTOGRAPH.

WE LOST HIM, TOO.

PAULIE. HIS NAME WAS PAULIE.

HE WAS JUST THREE YEARS OLD.

HE'D BE ABOUT YOUR AGE.

YEAH, HE WOULD.

OH, THIS--ENOUGH. TIME GOES ON.

I KNOW.

AND IT KEEPS GOING ON.

(Monk) IT'S RELENTLESS.

(Marge) COME ON.

LET'S EAT.

OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH, I JUST THOUGHT--

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN WASHED YOUR HANDS.

WERE YOU BROUGHT UP IN A BARN?

[laughs]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

I FORGOT TO WASH MY HANDS.

I'M--I'M USUALLY PRETTY GOOD

ABOUT THAT KIND OF STUFF.

AND USE SOAP.

YES, MA'AM.

WHAT DOES A POLICE CONSULTANT DO, ACTUALLY?

WELL, I DO WHAT ANY REGULAR DETECTIVE DOES

EXCEPT I'M NOT REALLY ON THE TEAM.

REALLY? THAT DOESN'T SOUND FAIR.

THEY HAVE THEIR REASONS.

I'M GONNA WRITE 'EM A LETTER ABOUT IT.

OH, NO, MARGE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

NO, NO, I-- DON'T WORRY.

I AM JUST GONNA TELL EVERYBODY

WHAT A HELP YOU WERE TO ME

WITH THAT BUDDY RICH NEIGHBOR OF MINE.

[chuckles]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M JUST SEPARATING MY...

NO, NO. THESE ARE MIXED VEGETABLES.

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MIXED LIKE THIS, SEE?

YOU JUST MIX 'EM ALL TOGETHER

AND THEN YOU EAT 'EM ALL TOGETHER.

YOU CAN SEE I REALLY SLAVED OVER THIS LUNCHEON.

SO EAT.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK

THAT YOUR NEXT PROJECT IS GOING TO BE?

THINK IT'S GONNA BE SOMETHING IMPORTANT?

WELL, IT'S INTERESTING, ACTUALLY.

SOMEBODY KILLED A SECURITY GUARD LAST NIGHT.

KILLED HIM? MM-HMM.

I HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT YET.

IT HAPPENED AT THE GUINNESS MUSEUM.

MMM, THE ONLY THING THAT WAS MISSING

WAS ONE DISPLAY-- A MECHANICAL MAN.

IT WAS, UH--IT WAS A ROBOT, ACTUALLY.

A ROBOT?

AN EGG-EATING ROBOT.

OH, MY WORD.

IT'S JUST ONE INSANE THING AFTER ANOTHER,

NOW, ISN'T IT?

YES, MA'AM. DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD, HONEY.

DID I WRITE 'EM? YEAH.

I'M NOT DENYING IT.

BUT I NEVER HURT ANYBODY.

I'M NOT A MANIAC.

I'M A COMPETITIVE EATER.

(Kasinsky) PROFESSIONAL.

HE'S AN ATHLETE.

YOU SEE ALL THESE TROPHIES?

YES, MA'AM, LOOK--

THIS ISN'T A MAGAZINE INTERVIEW.

THERE WAS A MURDER LAST NIGHT.

A SECURITY GUARD WAS KILLED

AND THE MAN WHO KILLED HIM STOLE THE TOGO EXHIBIT.

(Disher) YOU CALLED MR. TOGO

A "SHAM," A "DISGRACE," AND A "CHARLATAN."

WHICH HE IS.

IT'S NOT SLANDER IF IT'S TRUE.

(wife) WHEN TOGO BROKE THAT RECORD, HE WAS IN MALAYSIA.

THE EGGS ARE SMALLER THERE.

THEY'RE LIKE 12 CENTIMETERS.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

RIGHT. THE EGGS ARE SMALLER IN MALAYSIA.

LOOK, IN FEBRUARY, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT,

YOU DEFACED THE PLAQUE

IN FRONT OF THE TOGO EXHIBIT.

I DIDN'T DEFACE IT, OKAY?

I MEAN, I-- I CORRECTED IT.

(wife) THE FACT IS,

MY HUSBAND IS THE TRUE WORLD CHAMPION.

HE BEAT THAT RECORD TWO YEARS AGO

IN MEXICO CITY.

HE ATE 54 EGGS IN SIX MINUTES.

NO KIDDING.

DON'T TOUCH THAT.

BUT THE GUINNESS PEOPLE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE IT.

THEY SAID THAT THE LAST THREE WEREN'T DOWN.

THEY WERE DOWN LONG ENOUGH.

WELL, I'M SORRY I MISSED THAT.

MR. KASINSKY, WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT

BETWEEN 9:00 AND 10:00 P.M.?

LAST NIGHT WE WERE AT THE CHICKEN MEISTER.

THE CHICKEN MEISTER.

(Kasinsky) IT'S A RESTAURANT ON VINTON.

THEY'VE GOT AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET.

[scoffs] OR SO THEY CLAIM.

DID YOU PAY WITH A CREDIT CARD?

NO, BUT THEY'LL REMEMBER ME.

THEY'LL REMEMBER HIM.

YEAH. TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

WELL, WE'LL CHECK IT OUT.

OKAY, GO CHECK IT OUT.

LOOK, IT WASN'T ME, OKAY?

I MEAN, I'M NOT ANGRY ANYMORE.

I'M PAST THAT.

NOW, I'M GONNA COMPETE AGAIN.

TWO WEEKS. BOSTON.

THIS TIME THERE'S GONNA BE

NO WONDERING WHO THE TOP DOG IS.

IT'S GONNA BE RIGHT HERE.

HE HAS BEEN TRAINING

ALL YEAR.

HE'S UP TO 80 EGGS IN SIX MINUTES.

REALLY?

Y-YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

WELL, I'M SURE YOU'RE VERY TALENTED,

BUT, UM--

EVAN, GET THE EGGS.

(Kasinsky) WE'LL DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

YOU CAN BE MY WITNESSES,

WHICH IS PERFECT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE COPS.

THEY HAVE TO BELIEVE YOU.

[grunts] MM-HMM.

[exhales loudly]

[sighs, clears throat]

HEY, GOOD BOY.

MWAH.

WELL, THAT'S ONE.

MMM, THAT WAS MY BREAKFAST. THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

HERE WE GO.

ARE YOU READY?

ARE YOU READY? I DON'T THINK SO.

NOT YOU.

GO. [beeps]

THREE. FOUR.

FIVE.

TEN.

11. A WHOLE DOZEN, THERE.

COME IN, IN THROUGH YOUR NOSE.

COME ON. THAT'S 20.

RIGHT ON TEMPO.

[door opens]

HELLO?

GOD.

HEY! I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

MOVE!

STONES IN THE BAG. SURE, NO PROBLEM.

AN--ANYTHING YOU WANT.

AND THE DIAMONDS AND THE EMERALDS, TOO.

FROM THERE.

HOW'D YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM?

JOHN? COME ON, JUST DO IT NOW!

JOHN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[sighing]

THIS IS PROBABLY ALL FOR THE BEST.

I CAN'T BREATHE IN THIS THING ANYWAY.

TAKE EVERYTHING. TAKE--TAKE IT ALL, JOHN.

I SWEAR I-- I WON'T TELL ANYONE.

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

DOESN'T THIS LOOK BETTER?

THEY'RE NOT EVEN.

OH, THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE EVEN.

IT'S SO WARM AND COZY.

NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT

ALL THE WAY ACROSS YOUR ROOM

JUST TO TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS.

RIGHT.

WHAT--WHAT FRIENDS ARE THOSE?

OH, YOU HAVE FRIENDS.

AND IF YOU DIDN'T BEFORE, YOU DO NOW.

[door closes]

(Natalie) HELLO! SORRY I'M LATE.

HI, NATALIE.

OH, GOOD MORNING.

OH, YOU LOOK SNAZZY.

I LIKE THAT OUTFIT.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

AND MR. MONK, IS THAT NEW?

IT'S HANDMADE.

SHE MADE IT.

YEP, THIS IS GONNA KEEP HIM WARM

ON THOSE STAKEOUTS.

[laughs] A STAKEOUT SCARF.

YEAH.

OH, IT'S LOVELY. SO, UM...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

REARRANGING THE LIVING ROOM WAS MARGE'S IDEA.

I CASE, YOU KNOW, I MAKE A FRIEND.

MARGE, HOW DID YOU DO IT?

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET HIM

TO MOVE THESE CHAIRS FOR YEARS!

WOW!

OH, MR. MONK, I GOT YOU THE WINDEX

AND THE VACUUM CLEANER BAGS YOU NEEDED.

YEAH, ALREADY DONE.

MARGE AND I WENT SHOPPING LAST NIGHT

AND CLEANED THE WHOLE PLACE THIS MORNING.

OKAY, THEN.

UH, WELL, THEN I'LL JUST MAKE YOU SOME BREAKFAST.

NO, I ALREADY ATE.

MARGE MADE THESE AMAZING CRANBERRY NUT MUFFINS.

HER OWN RECIPE FROM HER COOKBOOK.

NATALIE, SHE WRITES COOKBOOKS.

REALLY? (Monk) YEAH.

THEY WERE DELICIOUS. I ATE THE WHOLE BATCH.

AND GET THIS--THEY WEREN'T JUST SQUARE LIKE YOURS.

NO, THESE MUFFINS WERE CUBED.

CUBE MUFFIN.

LIKE A CUBE SHAPE. CUBE, BASICALLY.

HONEY, ARE YOU HUNGRY?

I COULD MAKE YOU SOMETHING TO EAT EASILY.

YEAH, NO, THANK YOU.

I--I ATE WITH JULIE, MY DAUGHTER.

SHE WAS UP A LITTLE EARLY. SHE HAS A COLD.

OH, AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN THERE WITH HER.

WHAT KIND OF A BOSS ARE YOU? HUH?

YOU GO HOME. TAKE CARE OF YOUR FAMILY.

OH, NO, I COULDN'T. I COULDN'T LEAVE MR. MONK.

YEAH, GO AHEAD.

I'LL BE FINE.

REALLY?

YEAH, MARGE IS HERE. I'M FINE.

YEAH, WE'LL COME OVER LATER AND BRING YOU

SOME OF MY WORLD-FAMOUS TOMATO SOUP.

REALLY?

HEY, WE CAN ALWAYS CALL YOU

IF SOMETHING REALLY HORRIBLE HAPPENS.

YEAH.

LIKE IF ANOTHER CRAZY ROBOT DISAPPEARS.

ALWAYS WITH THE JOKES, MARGE.

UM...

OKAY, THEN.

I'M LEAVING.

OKAY. [Natalie laughs]

ARE YOU SURE? OH, YEAH.

GO. WE'RE FINE, RIGHT?

OKAY. I'M LEAVING.

I AM TAKING THE DAY OFF.

SO GO!

OKAY, I'M REALLY LEAVING.

SEE YOU LATER.

I AM AT THE FRONT DOOR.

BYE.

WOW.

I HAVE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO FORGET.

(Monk) WHAT--WHAT IS IT?

I CUT THIS OUT OF THE LOCAL PAPER

THIS MORNING.

(Marge) "CONTRIBUTION OF EXPERT CONSULTANTS

SUCH AS ADRIAN MONK."

YOU'RE FAMOUS.

[sighs, mutters]

NOT FAMOUS SO MUCH AS ACCLAIMED, I THINK.

OH, MR. MODEST.

DO YOU HAVE A-- A SCRAPBOOK?

NO. NO.

WELL, I'LL MAKE ONE FOR YOU.

WHAT? YEAH.

MARGE'S PERSONAL CLIPPING SERVICE.

[knocking at door]

KNOCK, KNOCK.

HELLO.

(Disher) OH, UH, SORRY TO INTERRUPT...

WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING.

WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU ALL MORNING.

WELL, I'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY.

NOT YOU. ACTUALLY, WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR MARGE.

ME? UH, YES, MA'AM.

UH, DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?

OH, WELL, CERTAINLY. CERTAINLY.

COME IN, SIT DOWN.

(Monk) YEAH, COME ON IN.

SIT DOWN. YEP.

HEY!

WHAT'D YOU DO? YOU MOVE THE FURNITURE?

YEAH, I KIND OF LIKE IT. IT'S COZY.

I LIKE THE SCARF.

YEAH, IT'S, UM--

A MOTHER'S TOUCH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED?

A JEWELRY STORE WAS ROBBED LAST NIGHT,

AND THE MANAGER, A MAN NAMED DAVID ELLIOT,

WAS SHOT AND KILLED,

SO WE REALLY DO NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

YOU SURELY DON'T THINK

I HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

NO, MA'AM. UH, OF COURSE NOT.

BUT WE DO HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA OF WHO IT WAS.

IT WAS A MAN NAMED JOHN KEYES. THAT'S MY NEIGHBOR!

YES, MA'AM, TURNS OUT MR. KEYES

WORKED AT THAT JEWELRY STORE.

HE WAS FIRED LAST SUMMER FOR STEALING A NECKLACE.

YEAH, AND HE HAS A RECORD-- BURGLARY AND ASSAULT.

SO WE BROUGHT HIM IN. SO HOW DOES HE LOOK?

(Stottlemeyer) HE LOOKS GOOD TO ME. HE SMELLS LIKE THE GUY.

BUT--

BUT HE HAS AN ALIBI. HE SAYS HE WAS HOME.

THAT AT 10:30, AT THE TIME OF THE ROBBERY,

HE WAS PLAYING HIS DRUM SET.

AND IT DOES CHECK OUT.

ACCORDING TO OUR PHONE LOG,

YOU CALLED THE STATION AT 10:35 P.M.

TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE NOISE.

YES, I DID.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU AGAIN, YOU KNOW.

SIT UP, DARLING.

UM-- MS. JOHNSON.

MARGE.

MARGE, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

NOW, ARE YOU SURE-- ARE YOU POSITIVE

THAT YOU HEARD MR. KEYES AT 10:30

PLAYING HIS DRUM KIT LAST NIGHT?

YES, I--I NOT ONLY HEARD IT, I SAW HIM.

THE LIGHT WAS ON

AND I COULD LOOK RIGHT THROUGH THE WINDOW AT HIM.

IT--YOU KNOW, IT WAS DEFINITELY HIM.

HELLO, SQUARE ONE.

THANK YOU.

(Stottlemeyer) COME ON.

THEY LIKED THE, UH-- THIS IS GREAT.

[quietly mutters]

A STAKEOUT SCARF? YEAH, SHE KNITS!

SHE COOKS! SHE WRITES!

SHE'S AN AMAZING PERSON.

SHE SOUNDS LIKE IT. [sighing] OH, MY GOD.

I'M GONNA BRING HER TO WORK WITH ME LATER.

THE CAPTAIN SAID I COULD BRING HER ALONG.

THIS WOMAN HAS BECOME VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU.

WELL, YEAH. I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL.

IT'S WHAT WE CALL A "TRANSFORMATIVE RELATIONSHIP."

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

I--I HAVE BEEN TRANSFORMED.

I FEEL LIKE I'VE FOUND A PIECE OF MYSELF

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WAS MISSING.

LOOK--OH, LOOK.

SHE--SHE WRITES ME THESE LITTLE NOTES.

PUTS 'EM IN MY POCKETS.

"ADRIAN, I AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE IN MY LIFE.

LOVE, MARGE."

MY OTHER MOTHER ONLY LEFT ME ONE NOTE EVER,

IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

I FOUND IT IN MY LUNCHBOX.

IT SAID, "YOUR FATHER IS DRIVING ME CRAZY."

[muttering]

YOUR OTHER MOTHER? EXCUSE ME?

YOU JUST CALLED YOUR REAL MOTHER

YOUR "OTHER MOTHER."

YOU'RE RIGHT. SORRY.

WAIT A MINUTE. NO--NO.

NO, I'M NOT. I'M NOT SORRY.

WHY SHOULD I BE SORRY?

MARGE IS A BETTER MOTHER TO ME

THAN THE WOMAN WHO RAISED ME.

SHE SUPPORTS ME.

SHE--SHE'S PROUD OF ME.

SHE LOVES YOU. SHE LOVES ME.

UNCONDITIONALLY.

IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THAT.

NO. NO, IT DOES NOT.

YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN.

ADRIAN?

TALK TO ME. COME ON.

WHAT'S THE CATCH?

WITH WHAT?

WITH MARGE.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE SHE'S AFTER?

ARE--ADRIAN--

EVERY TIME SOMEBODY WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND,

IT TURNS OUT THEY'RE AFTER SOMETHING.

THEY HAVE AN ANGLE.

NO, NOT NECESSARILY.

HOW COULD SOMEBODY-- HOW COULD ANYBODY

LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY?

I MEAN, COME ON. YOU'VE MET ME.

ADRIAN,

I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN BURNED IN THE PAST,

BUT YOU HAVE TO TRUST PEOPLE.

SEE, THERE'S NOT ALWAYS A CATCH.

THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS?

THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH.

HE'S SO SERIOUS WHEN HE WORKS, ISN'T HE?

(Stottlemeyer) YES, MA'AM.

I THINK HE'S LOOKING FOR THE CLUE.

YES, MA'AM, HE IS.

OH, I THINK HE FOUND ONE.

WE'RE MAKING A SCRAPBOOK.

REALLY?

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THAT.

THE BODY WAS WHERE?

BEHIND THE DESK.

WE FIGURED THE KILLER CAME IN THE DOOR HERE.

TWO ROUNDS, .45 CALIBER.

OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY. EXCUSE ME.

SO THE VICTIM, DAVID ELLIOT,

WAS WORKING HERE FOR ABOUT A YEAR.

FOUND THIS IN THE CORNER

AND ABOUT 1,000 FINGERPRINTS.

WELL, THEY WON'T BE THE SHOOTER'S.

LOOK AT THAT.

LATEX RUBBER.

HE WORE GLOVES.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

WE CAN PUT THAT IN OUR SCRAPBOOK.

EXCUSE ME.

WE'RE WORKING HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S AN INSIDE JOB.

SECURITY TAPES ARE MISSING,

AND THE STORE GETS RE-SUPPLIED

THE FIRST TUESDAY OF EVERY MONTH.

AND THAT WAS YESTERDAY,

SO HE WAS PLUGGED IN SOMEHOW.

WE'RE PUTTING TOGETHER SOME NAMES,

GOING BACK TEN YEARS,

EVERYBODY THAT'S EVER WORKED HERE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO BACK TEN YEARS.

(Monk) THE MANAGER ONLY WORKED HERE FOR A YEAR.

THE KILLER WORE A SKI MASK,

ERGO, THE KILLER WAS AFRAID HE'D BE RECOGNIZED,

ERGO, THE KILLER

MUST HAVE WORKED HERE RECENTLY.

"ERGO" THE KILLER? WHAT'S THAT, HUNGARIAN?

HIS NAME ISN'T "ERGO," RANDY.

EXCUSE ME, MARGE. DON'T TOUCH THAT.

THIS IS A CRIME SCENE. I KNOW, I'M SORRY, HONEY.

BUT THIS IS AMAZING.

YOU SEE THIS BROOCH?

I HAVE THIS BROOCH.

MY HUSBAND GAVE IT TO ME ON OUR 10TH ANNIVERSARY.

IT'S IN THIS PICTURE. HERE.

LOOK.

ISN'T THAT THE SAME?

YES, IT IS. [chuckles]

WHO IS THAT?

THAT'S MY HUSBAND. NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THE OTHER PICTURE.

THIS ONE.

OH, THAT'S PAULIE.

(Marge) THAT WAS TAKEN JUST BEFORE HIS PASSING.

HE HAS A BIRTHMARK.

I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE.

ON JOHN KEYES.

MR. KEYES?

YEAH.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YEP, HE HAS A--A MOLE.

RIGHT ON THE SAME CHEEK AS PAULIE.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I KNOW.

JOHN KEYES IS YOUR SON.

(Stottlemeyer) WHAT?!

NO, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

THEY'VE BEEN IN IT TOGETHER,

PLANNING IT TOGETHER FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED--

(Monk) THEY KNEW THAT ONCE THEY ROBBED THIS STORE,

JOHN WOULD BE THE NUMBER ONE SUSPECT.

HE NEEDED AN AIRTIGHT ALIBI.

THAT'S WHERE YOU CAME IN.

ADRIAN, YOU'RE SCARING ME. MONK.

YOUR SON GOT HIMSELF A PHONY I.D.

AND RENTED THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR.

THEN YOU STARTED COMPLAINING

ABOUT HIS DRUMMING.

OH, YOU WERE THE PERFECT ALIBI.

WHO WOULD EVER QUESTION THE LITTLE OLD LADY

WHO LIVED NEXT DOOR?

AND I WAS YOUR PERFECT PATSY.

YOU BEFRIENDED ME, YOU LED ME ON,

YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU

SO THAT I WOULD VOUCH FOR YOU.

BUDDY, ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

ADRIAN, I-- I HARDLY KNOW THE MAN.

HE'S A NEIGHBOR.

HE'S YOUR SON.

NO, HE'S MY NEIGHBOR.

HE'S YOUR SON.

HE'S MY NEIGHBOR.

HE'S YOUR NEIGHBOR AND YOUR SON.

OH, WOW.

OKAY, MARGE.

IF THAT IS, IN FACT, YOUR NAME.

LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN.

WHERE ARE THE JEWELS?

I DON'T KNOW.

TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE.

I'LL TALK TO THE D.A.

MAYBE HE'LL CUT YOU A DEAL.

ADRIAN, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?"

LOOK, YOUR SON IS JUST DOWN THE HALL.

STOTTLEMEYER AND DISHER ARE WITH HIM NOW.

IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF WHICH ONE OF YOU TALKS FIRST.

DON'T YOU CALL THAT MAN MY SON.

MY SON IS DEAD, AND YOU KNOW IT.

LYING...LIAR!

YOU'RE WORSE THAN MY OWN MOTHER.

AT LEAST SHE NEVER PRETENDED TO LOVE ME.

AND BY THE WAY,

YOUR STUPID SCARF ITCHES.

(Natalie) MR. MONK. NOT NOW!

NOT NOW.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE--

YOUR KITCHEN SMELLS.

OKAY, YOUR WHOLE HOUSE SMELLS.

IT SMELLS LIKE MOLD.

AND FOR THE RECORD,

I WAS ONTO YOUR LITTLE ACT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.

I WAS ACTING, TOO.

JOHN KEYES JUST MADE BAIL.

(Natalie) HE WENT HOME.

HIS MOTHER PICKED HIM UP.

HIS REAL MOTHER.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THANK YOU.

THAT WAS RANDY.

HE'S AT THE DEPARTMENT OF RECORDS.

HE SAID THEY'RE NOT RELATED AT ALL.

SHE LOST HER SON JUST LIKE SHE SAID.

SO THERE REALLY WAS NO--

THERE WAS NO CATCH.

WHAT DO I SAY?

JUST SPEAK FROM YOUR HEART, MR. MONK. [rings doorbell]

[quietly] HERE, HERE, HERE.

ANY OTHER IDEAS? QUICK! ANYTHING?

HELLO.

IT'S ME.

ADRIAN MONK.

I AM SO...

SORRY. SORRY.

I--I'M SORRY FOR...

EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.

I--I ACCUSED YOU OF THINGS,

AND I SAID THINGS...

[stammers]

I THOUGHT THERE WAS A CATCH.

WHENEVER SOMETHING NOT HORRIFIC HAPPENS TO ME,

UH, I DON'T TRUST IT.

AND I-- I BROUGHT YOU THESE.

JUST--

PUT THEM THERE.

CAN WE JUST GO BACK TO WHAT WE HAD,

MARGE?

I HAVE NO SON.

AGAIN.

[door closes]

"SPEAK FROM YOUR HEART"?

WHAT KIND OF ADVICE IS THAT?

JUST GIVE HER A LITTLE TIME, MR. MONK.

SHE'LL MISS YOU EVENTUALLY.

SHE'LL COME AROUND.

BUT WHY? WH-WHAT WOULD SHE MISS ABOUT ME?

MY ACCUSING HER OF MURDER,

DRAGGING HER TO THE POLICE STATION,

AND INTERROGATING HER?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

ARE YOU REALLY ASKING, OR IS THAT A RHETORICAL?

RHETORICAL.

IS THIS KEYES' HOUSE?

YEAH.

WHAT IS IT?

CALL THE CAPTAIN.

[tires squealing]

WHERE'S RANDY?

HE'S ON HIS WAY. HE'S MEETING US HERE.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

TAKE A LOOK.

HYDRAULIC FLUID. JUST LIKE--

JUST LIKE THE MUSEUM.

[Natalie sighs] ALL RIGHT.

SO WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?

WE'RE LOOKING FOR THIS.

WHAT--WHAT IS IT?

[chuckling]

IT'S THE EGG-EATING ROBOT FROM THE MUSEUM.

HE RE-DRESSED IT.

IT'S HIS ALIBI.

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED--

I MEAN, HERE'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

WHEN KEYES STARTED PLAYING DRUMS A FEW WEEKS AGO,

HE WANTED THE NEIGHBORS TO GET MAD.

HE WANTED THEM TO COMPLAIN.

THAT WAS THE KEY TO THE WHOLE PLAN.

LAST NIGHT, THE MACHINE MUST HAVE BEEN ON A TIMER.

IT KICKED ON AT 10:30 WHILE KEYES WAS ACROSS TOWN

ROBBING THE JEWELRY STORE.

OFFICER.

IT'S MARGE JOHNSON.

HE'S DOING IT AGAIN.

(Monk) MARGE DIDN'T SEE ANYBODY DRUMMING LAST NIGHT.

WHAT SHE SAW WAS A MACHINE.

VERY CLEVER, MR. MONK.

I'LL TAKE THAT GUN, CAPTAIN.

HEY, KEYES, YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO KILL A COP.

OR A EX-COP.

OR A EX-COP'S ASSISTANT.

(Keyes) YOU, BLONDIE.

(Keyes) GIMME YOUR CAR KEYS.

COME ON! YOU'RE NOT GONNA NEED 'EM.

ALL RIGHT.

DOWN ON YOUR KNEES.

DO IT!

(Disher) CAPTAIN, GET DOWN!

TOGO! DOWN, NOW! NOW!

NOW! MOVE!

[grunting]

TOGO, DROP IT!

TOGO, NO!

[indistinct yelling, wincing]

I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT. HE'S SENTIENT.

HE'S ALIVE!

YOU GUYS OKAY?

SCIENCE FICTION, HUH?

YEAH, UH...

THEY WERE IN IT TOGETHER.

HIM AND THE, UH, ROBOT.

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS ALMOST NOTHING.

[panting]

YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO, LIEUTENANT.

OH, BE CAREFUL WITH THAT, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

THAT WAS A GIFT FROM MY HUSBAND.

OH, HI.

MARGE, WE HEARD YOU WERE LEAVING.

IT'S BECAUSE OF ME, ISN'T IT?

NO, ADRIAN. PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT.

I HAVE A SISTER IN SEATTLE.

WE'RE GONNA BUY A TOWNHOUSE TOGETHER.

YOUR SISTER?

SHE'S LONELY, TOO.

WE'RE JUST GONNA TRY TO BE A LITTLE LESS LONELY.

LISTEN, MARGE,

I JUST WANT TO EXPLAIN-- THE THINGS I SAID--

I'M SORRY, TOO.

NOW, LET'S JUST FORGET IT.

WAIT.

IT'S A MIGHTY COLD WORLD OUT THERE, ADRIAN.

YOU STAY WARM.

YES, MA'AM.

JUST REMEMBER--

YOU'RE A PIRATE.

YES, MA'AM.

GOOD-BYE, NATALIE.

BYE, MARGE.

THANK YOU.

[ignition starts]

PIRATE? YEAH.

IT'S MORE FUN TO BE A PIRATE.

YEAH. YEAH.

THAT'S GOOD ADVICE.

COME ON, BOSS. I'LL MAKE YOU SOME LUNCH.

WHAT ARE WE HAVING?

OOH, CHICKEN POT PIE

WITH A LITTLE JOLLY ROGER FLAG ON TOP

AND A BOTTLE OF RUM.

OKAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BEAT IT TO DEATH.

[chuckling] SHIVER ME TIMBERS, YOU LOOK HUNGRY!

YEAH, OKAY, HOW IS THAT FUNNY? IT'S FUNNY.

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