Original subtitles

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I LIKE IT OPEN.

SOMEBODY MIGHT SEE ME.

WELL, I GOT TO GET GOING.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME STAY.

YOU ARE THE BEST EX-WIFE A GUY EVER HAD.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, I BELIEVE I HAVE SOME MONEY COMING.

YEAH, I KNOW, SUSAN.

I DON'T WANT TO GET THE LAWYERS INVOLVED AGAIN.

YOU'RE GOING TO SEE EVERY NICKEL, I PROMISE.

IT'S A LOT OF NICKELS, BRAD.

$10 MILLION WORTH.

MY BUSINESS MANAGER WILL CALL YOU THIS AFTERNOON, OKAY?

THANK YOU AGAIN.

SUSAN.

CAN YOU COME HERE A SEC?

I'M BUSY. I ALREADY STARTED.

PLEASE, JUST COME HERE FOR A SECOND.

HOW DID THEY FIND YOU?

IF THEY SET FOOT ON YOUR PROPERTY,

JUST CALL THE POLICE, OKAY?

OKAY. THANK YOU.

LISTEN, GUYS --

HEY, GINA, HOW ARE YOU?

LISTEN, JUST LEAVE MY EX-WIFE OUT OF THIS, OKAY?

SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

I WILL ANSWER A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS

IF YOU JUST LEAVE HER ALONE, PLEASE.

BRAD, WHY DID YOU BEAT UP THAT BARTENDER?

I DIDN'T BEAT ANYBODY UP. WE HAD A MISUNDERSTANDING.

WERE YOU DRINKING?

I WAS AT A BAR, ERIC. YEAH, I HAD A DRINK...OR TWO.

AND SOME PEANUTS.

LISTEN, I GOT TO GET TO WORK, BUT, UH,

JUST, PLEASE, STAY OFF THE PROPERTY,

AND LEAVE SUSAN ALONE. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

Susan: AAH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

SUSAN?

AAH!

UH, SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE!

SHE'S BEEN STABBED!

DOES ANYBODY KNOW CPR OR FIRST AID OR SOMETHING?

ANYTHING? CAN ANYBODY HELP ME?

SHE'S BLEEDING REALLY, REALLY BAD.

HELLO, THIS IS BRAD TERRY. I NEED AN AMBULANCE.

YES, THANK--

2245 HADLEY LANE. MY EX-WIFE.

SHE'S BEEN STABBED. SHE'S BLEEDING REALLY BAD.

I THINK SHE'S DEAD.

YES, I'LL STAY ON THE LINE.

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE

* DISORDER AND CONFUSION EVERYWHERE *

* NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE

* WELL, I DO

* HEY, WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE

* POISON IN THE VERY AIR WE BREATHE *

* DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THE WATER THAT YOU DRINK? *

* WELL, I DO, AND IT'S AMAZING *

* PEOPLE THINK I'M CRAZY 'CAUSE I WORRY ALL THE TIME *

* IF YOU PAID ATTENTION, YOU'D BE WORRIED, TOO *

* YOU BETTER PAY ATTENTION, ALL THIS WORLD WE LOVE SO MUCH *

* MIGHT JUST KILL YOU

* I COULD BE WRONG NOW

* BUT I DON'T THINK SO

* 'CAUSE IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE *

* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE

THIS IS BROOKE BURKE

WITH BREAKING NEWS FROM SAN FRANCISCO.

IT'S BEEN A TERRIBLE WEEK FOR BRAD TERRY,

STAR OF TV's HIT SERIES "CRIME LAB S.F."

TWO DAYS AGO, BRAD WAS ARRESTED FOR ASSAULTING A BARTENDER.

THIS MORNING, HIS EX-WIFE, FORMER ACTRESS SUSAN MALLOY,

WAS SLAIN WHILE BRAD WAS STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE

TALKING TO REPORTERS,

JUST 100 FEET AWAY FROM THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.

HOW DO I LOOK?

SHARONA, THIS IS A MURDER SCENE, NOT A HIGH SCHOOL PROM.

YES, BUT IT WAS BRAD TERRY'S EX-WIFE.

BRAD TERRY COULD BE IN THERE. DO I HAVE ANYTHING IN MY TEETH?

HUH?

OH, FORGET IT, COME ON, COME ON!

THIS MORNING, PAPARAZZI GATHERED TO GET THE SCOOP

ON BRAD AND SUSAN, AND WE WERE HERE LIVE, COVERING...

HEY, HEY! OH, EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU GOING TO GO SEE BRAD?

YEAH.

OH, COME HERE. YOU CAN DO THIS FOR ME.

SORRY.

NO, NO, THIS IS A PETITION TO GET THE OLD THEME SONG BACK.

THEY CHANGED THE THEME SONG.

OH, MY GOD, I HATE THAT NEW THEME SONG.

ME TOO. GOD, THE SHOW WAS PERFECT.

IT WAS PERFECTION, RIGHT?

IT WAS. IT WAS PERFECT.

WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE SHOWS ALONE?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT, UM, TELL BRAD THIS IS FROM MARCI.

THAT IS ME -- "M" FOR MARCI.

MARCI. OKAY.

YEAH, HE -- HE KNOWS ME, SO...

OKAY, I'LL TELL HIM THAT. OKAY.

DON'T BEND IT.

DON'T FORGET THE UPSTAIRS. I WANT PICTURES OF EVERYTHING.

DILLON, GRAB A COUPLE UNIFORMS AND GO DOOR TO DOOR.

AND DO NOT SEND ANYTHING UPSTREAM

UNTIL I GET A CHANCE TO READ IT.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE ON THE CASE, CAPTAIN.

I FEEL PRETTY SILLY DOING WHAT I DO,

WATCHING YOU DO IT FOR REAL.

YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOUR SHOW.

IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

REALLY?

THAT'S A BIG COMPLIMENT COMING FROM YOU, THANKS.

OOH, OOH, THERE HE IS.

THERE HE IS.

THE GREATEST DETECTIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO.

OKAY, YOU UNDERSTAND HE'S NOT A REAL DETECTIVE.

IT'S WHAT THEY CALL A SHOW.

I'M GOING TO TALK TO HIM.

Sharona: [ COUGHS ]

MR. TERRY? HI.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR LOSS.

I'M SHARONA FLEMING. I'M WITH ADRIAN MONK.

UH, THE CONSULTANT, RIGHT?

YEAH.

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU?

NAH, I DON'T THINK IT'S REALLY HIT ME YET.

UM, WELL,

THIS IS FOR YOU.

SOMEBODY OUTSIDE GAVE IT TO ME.

IT'S A PETITION ABOUT THAT NEW THEME SONG.

OH, YEAH, I KNOW. EVERYBODY HATES IT.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO LIKES THIS?

OH, NO, NO, I LIKE IT, TOO. I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND.

IT'S A GOOD SONG.

MARCI, RIGHT? MARCI MAVEN.

YEAH, SHE FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE. SHE'S...

SO, THEY WERE -- THEY WERE DIVORCED?

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?

WHO WERE? BRAD TERRY AND THE VICTIM.

OH. YEAH, RIGHT.

FOR, UH, THREE YEARS.

BUT THEY WERE STILL FRIENDLY --

YOU KNOW, SHOW PEOPLE.

HE'S BEEN, UH, HIDING OUT HERE FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS.

HIDING FROM...

PAPARAZZI. SLUGGED A BARTENDER ON FRIDAY NIGHT --

BIG NEWS.

WHY IS THIS THING STILL RUNNING?

[ TV BLARES LOUDLY ] AAH!

SORRY.

SORRY. SORRY.

SHE WAS WORKING OUT.

YEAH, SHE'S WORKING OUT HERE, KILLER OPENS THE BACK DOOR,

SNEAKS UP BEHIND HER, AND STABS HER THREE TIMES --

NECK, BACK, AND CHEST.

THE MURDER WEAPON'S NOTHING SPECIAL, EITHER.

IT'S JUST A CAMPING KNIFE.

COME HERE, LOOK AT THIS.

POINT OF ENTRY. HOW, UH, HOW IS HE?

HE'S OKAY. I LIKE HIM.

LIKE A REGULAR GUY, LIKE ME.

OR YOU.

OR ME.

YOU THINK HE COULD'VE HAD A MOTIVE?

WHO?

BRAD TERRY?

NAH, I DON'T THINK SO.

NO KIDS, NO ALIMONY. BESIDES, HE CAN'T BE THE GUY.

HE WAS OUT FRONT WHEN IT WENT DOWN.

10 WITNESSES WITH CAMERAS.

THE KILLER BROKE THE GLASS, OPENED THE DOOR,

REACHED IN, WENT OUT THE SAME WAY.

THERE'S GLASS IN THE TRACK,

DIRECTLY UNDER THE DOOR.

YEAH, SO?

I THINK THE DOOR WAS OPEN WHEN THE GLASS WAS BROKEN.

OR THE KILLER KICKED THE GLASS AROUND

WHEN HE RAN OUT.

THIS DRIVEWAY CURVES AROUND THE BACK OF THE HOUSE.

HEY, BRAD.

BRAD TERRY, THIS IS ADRIAN MONK.

THIS IS THE GUY THAT'S WORKING WITH US.

I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. THANK YOU.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE AN ACTOR...

OH, NO, NO, NO, DON'T BE INSULTED BY HIM.

HE'S NEVER HEARD OF ANYBODY, SO...

NO, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WATCH MY SHOW.

HE LIVES IT, RIGHT?

WELL, NOT REALLY.

WELL, MAYBE. HA HA.

YES.

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

I JUST HAVE A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS.

UH, IS THAT YOUR CAR PARKED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DRIVEWAY?

YEAH.

I WAS JUST WONDERING

WHY YOU PARKED OUT FRONT

IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW WHERE YOU WERE.

WOW, THAT'S, UH, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

UM, SUSAN DROVE IT LAST.

I GUESS SHE JUST FORGOT TO PULL IT UP.

OH, MAKES SENSE TO ME.

YEAH.

Man: WHAT CAN I GET YOU TWO?

UH, NOTHING FOR ME.

JUST SOME WATER.

ARE YOU DUSTIN SHEERS?

YEAH.

WE'RE WORKING WITH THE POLICE ON THE BRAD TERRY CASE.

WHAT DO I OWE YOU?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. THANKS.

I UNDERSTAND MR. TERRY WAS IN HERE LAST WEEK,

AND THERE WAS A FIGHT.

MY BRUSH WITH FAME.

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT WAS MORE THAN A BRUSH, REALLY.

WHAT WAS THE FIGHT ABOUT?

NOTHING.

I SAID I'D NEVER SEEN HIS SHOW, AND HE FLIPPED OUT.

HE JUMPS OVER THE BAR, HE STARTS GOING POSTAL ON ME.

EXCUSE ME. I'LL HAVE SOME OF THAT SCOTCH.

IT'S 20 BUCKS.

NO. NO, NO, NOT THE WHOLE BOTTLE.

JUST A GLASS. YEAH, 20 BUCKS.

IT'S THE BEST IN THE HOUSE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU DON'T DRINK.

OH...I GET IT.

YOU'RE GOING TO WASTE 20 BUCKS TO MAKE 'EM EVEN.

GREAT.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU WANT THIS?

SURE.

WAS MR. TERRY INTOXICATED?

HAD TO BE. HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?

I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WATER, PLEASE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SUE HIM, ARE YOU?

I CONSIDERED IT.

BUT I FIGURE,

AFTER WHAT HAPPENED WITH HIS EX-WIFE,

THAT GUY'S SUFFERED ENOUGH.

I'LL HAVE ANOTHER SCOTCH.

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

BESIDES, HE FELT PRETTY BAD ABOUT IT.

BEFORE THE COPS SHOWED UP, HE WROTE ME A CHECK FOR TWO GRAND.

HE WROTE HIM A CHECK.

THAT'S THE CHECK? THAT'S IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO CASH IT OR FRAME IT.

WHAT'S WRONG? THE HANDWRITING.

LOOKS OKAY TO ME.

IT'S NOT JUST OKAY. IT'S PERFECT.

HE STAYED RIGHT ON THE LINE.

I DON'T THINK HE WAS DRUNK WHEN HE WROTE THIS.

WHY WOULD A STAR LIKE BRAD TERRY PRETEND TO BE DRUNK?

PLEASE.

I'LL HAVE SOME MORE WATER, PLEASE.

CAN YOU MAKE IT A DOUBLE?

OH, THERE'S THE EDITING ROOMS OVER THERE.

AND THAT'S THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT.

ARE THEY ALLOWED TO KEEP ALL THE CLOTHES?

WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO,

BUT, UH, SOMETIMES THEY DO.

COULD YOU SLOW IT DOWN A LITTLE, PLEASE?

UH, I DON'T THINK I CAN GO ANY SLOWER.

I'M SURPRISED BRAD TERRY IS WORKING TODAY

AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.

OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY JUST KEEP WORKING, NO MATTER WHAT.

YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE TO DO 26 EPISODES A YEAR.

BRAD WOULDN'T SHUT US DOWN. HE'S GREAT.

OH, HE IS GREAT.

YEAH, HE'S GREAT. I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY SEATBELT.

YOU DON'T NEED A SEATBELT.

I DON'T NEED A SEATBELT.

OH, OVER THERE'S THE DUBBING STAGE.

THAT'S WHERE WE DO ALL THE SOUND WORK FOR THE SHOW.

IS HE ANYBODY?

NO, HE'S JUST A WRITER.

100th -- 100th WHAT?

WE'RE SHOOTING OUR 100th EPISODE THIS WEEK.

YES, IT'S A REALLY BIG DEAL.

WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE THEY CAN SYNDICATE THE SHOW.

THAT'S WHERE THEY MAKE THE BIG MONEY.

MM-HMM. OKAY, WELL,

HERE WE ARE.

WE MADE IT.

YEAH, IT'S THE BIG DOOR ON THE LEFT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU.

BYE.

A CAMERA, SHARONA?

HE'S A MURDER SUSPECT.

BRAD TERRY DIDN'T KILL ANYBODY.

HOW DO YOU KNOW? BECAUSE HE PLAYS A NICE GUY ON TV?

TONY DANZA NEVER KILLED ANYBODY.

MISTER ROGERS NEVER KILLED ANYBODY.

I'M NOT SAYING EVERY ACTOR IS A MURDERER.

I'M SAYING THIS ACTOR MIGHT BE A MURDERER.

DO I HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU ON EVERY CASE?

IS THAT, LIKE, A RULE? NO.

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.

HE DIDN'T DO IT.

THE DOOR WAS LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE.

THE HOOKER MUST HAVE COME IN THROUGH THE FIRE ESCAPE.

MINUTE TRACES OF BLOOD OVER HERE.

RUSTY. OVER HERE.

WHAT DO YOU GOT, J.?

IT LOOKS LIKE A FIBER.

WHAT PLANET ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE ON?

SHH!

J., DON'T TOUCH IT.

LEE, GET THE SPECTROSCOPE.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

A SPECTROSCOPE.

IT'S HOW THEY SOLVE THE CRIMES.

WE SHOULD GET ONE.

WHY DON'T WE GET TWO?

THEN WE CAN SOLVE THEM TWICE AS FAST.

IT'S A FIBER, ALL RIGHT.

SOME SORT OF STRANGE SYNTHETIC POLYMER.

LEE, SPEAK ENGLISH, PLEASE.

IT'S NOT DOMESTIC.

IT WAS MADE IN BOLIVIA.

THE SANTORINI CARTEL.

SANTORINI?

THAT'S IN GREECE.

WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH, MR. MONK?

UH...

WELL, THIS IS YOUR 100th EPISODE...

IS THAT RIGHT?

CONGRATULATIONS.

I UNDERSTAND THAT'S A BIG DAY FOR YOU.

THANK YOU. I'VE BEEN WORKING A LONG TIME FOR IT.

MY WHOLE LIFE, ACTUALLY.

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

I KNOW THAT YOU WEREN'T PAYING SUSAN ALIMONY, BUT, UH,

WHEN THE SHOW STARTED, YOU WERE STILL MARRIED.

YES, I WAS.

UNDER CALIFORNIA LAW,

SHE WOULD'VE BEEN ENTITLED TO HALF OF ANY SYNDICATION MONEY.

YOU THINK YOU FOUND A MOTIVE, DON'T YOU, MR. MONK?

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST?

WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?

YES, IT WOULD. ANYTIME. ANYWHERE.

EXCUSE ME. UM, DO YOU MIND?

OH, NO, NO, NO. COME ON.

OKAY. PRESS THAT BUTTON OVER THERE.

THANK YOU. UH-HUH.

I WAS AT A BAR, ERIC. YEAH, I HAD A DRINK...OR TWO.

AND SOME PEANUTS...

THE LOCAL NEWS HAS BEEN RUNNING THIS ALL DAY LONG.

Susan: AAH!

SUSAN?

NOW, I HAD THE LAB RUN A VOICE PRINT ANALYSIS.

THAT WAS DEFINITELY SUSAN.

WE THINK THE KILLER WAS A DERANGED FAN.

YEAH, IT MAKES SENSE TO ME.

HAVE YOU TALKED TO THE WOMAN WE MET -- MARCI MAVEN?

NO, NOT YET. WE'RE STILL TRYING TO TRACK HER DOWN.

I ASKED AROUND.

YOU REALIZE WHEN THIS SHOW GOES INTO SYNDICATION,

BRAD TERRY STANDS TO MAKE OVER $20 MILLION.

THERE'S YOUR MOTIVE RIGHT THERE.

HE DID NOT WANT TO SHARE IT WITH HIS EX-WIFE.

GENTLEMEN.

MAX GREEN, THE TRUTH MACHINE.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

WELL, ACCORDING TO THIS, HE'S CLEAN.

HE'S MR. CLEAN -- ZERO DECEPTION.

YOU SEE?

WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?

COME ON.

I THINK YOU ENJOY BEING ALONE.

SO, DID WE PASS?

YES, WE DID.

WITH FLYING COLORS.

I WAS UP ALL NIGHT STUDYING.

MR. MONK, ARE YOU SATISFIED?

THE MACHINE IS NOT INFALLIBLE.

WELL, NEITHER ARE YOU.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU, MR. MONK.

THAT'S WHAT ACTORS DO. WE SOAK PEOPLE IN.

I THINK I GOT YOU. UH, IT'S SOMETHING LIKE...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS THING IS, BUT...

TIDINESS...EVERYTHING HAS TO BE TIDY, DON'T YOU?

OH, I'M SORRY.

THE LAMP THING, I DON'T KNOW WHAT...

THAT'S -- THAT'S NOTHING --

NOTHING LIKE ME, NOTHING AT ALL, REALLY.

HEY, THERE'S A BIG 100th EPISODE CAST PARTY TONIGHT.

YOU'RE COMING. I'LL BE THERE.

OKAY, GOOD. SHARONA, YOU HAVE TO COME,

BECAUSE THESE PARTIES GET A LITTLE WILD.

I MIGHT NEED A NURSE, YOU KNOW?

SURE, SURE. DO YOU MIND?

DON'T WAIT UP, MR. MONK.

NO, NO, YOU GO AHEAD.

I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

YEP.

[ Scoffs ] BRAD TERRY.

OH, UH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

RANDY. RANDY.

RANDY, YOU EVER DONE ANY ACTING?

NO.

BECAUSE YOU GOT A GREAT ENERGY. I THINK YOU MIGHT REALLY POP.

POP?

COME TO THE PARTY.

I WANT YOU TO MEET THE CASTING DIRECTOR, OKAY?

OKAY.

WOW.

100 SHOWS.

UH, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,

I DIDN'T THINK WE'D MAKE IT PAST 10.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LISTEN, I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY

FOR YOUR SUPPORT THIS WEEK.

SUSAN'S MURDER WAS, UH,

WAS...

WAS A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY,

AND I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY FOR STICKING BY ME THIS WEEK.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. YOU GUYS WERE THERE FOR ME.

I WILL NEVER FORGET IT.

WE REALLY ARE A FAMILY.

EXCEPT, UNLIKE MOST FAMILIES, WE ACTUALLY LIKE EACH OTHER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LISTEN, CONGRATULATIONS, EVERYBODY.

LET'S GET DRUNK.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]

ON TV, YOU'LL ALWAYS SEE ONE COP

IN ONE CAR, HOT-RODDING AFTER SOME SUSPECT.

IT DOESN'T HAPPEN LIKE THAT.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

WE'RE OUT THERE TRYING TO SERVE AND PROTECT.

IT'S A GREAT PARTY, HUH?

YOU'RE IN THE PICTURE. MOVE, MOVE!

OH, SORRY, SORRY.

YOU, UH, YOU WANT TO DANCE?

UH, WELL, I'M NOT MUCH OF A DANCER.

OH.

HEY, HEY.

THERE SHE IS. SHARONA, HI. HI.

HI.

HOW ARE YA? UM, YOU WANNA DANCE?

OH, SHE'S, UH, NOT MUCH OF A DANCER.

OH, THAT'S OKAY. I CAN TEACH HER.

COME ON, LET'S DANCE.

WOW, THAT WAS A GOOD LINE.

BRAD, HI, BRAD, HEY. BRAD.

HEY, MARCI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I HID IN THE LADIES' ROOM UPSTAIRS.

WELL, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

BRAD, NO, HEY, BRAD. I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.

YEAH, MAYBE THAT --

HEY, MARCI, HOW ARE YOU? WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

OH, NO, I'VE GOT TO TALK TO BRAD!

NO, NO, MARCI, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO US.

OKAY, LOOK OUT. COMING THROUGH.

EXCUSE ME, PARDON ME.

Monk: HE'S SEDUCING THEM ALL,

ONE BY ONE.

IT'S EASY FOR HIM. HE'S AN ACTOR.

HE LIES FOR A LIVING.

YEAH, BUT YOU COULD SAY

THAT HE TELLS THE TRUTH FOR A LIVING.

MM.

THERE WAS A CAST PARTY LAST NIGHT.

EVERYBODY WENT.

EXCEPT YOU.

HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

LIKE I WAS BACK IN THE SIXTH GRADE.

THERE WAS THIS KID -- ROBBIE WALOVER.

[ SIGHS ]

HE WAS A GREAT ATHLETE.

HE WAS FUNNY. EVERYBODY LIKED HIM.

THAT YEAR, HE INVITED EVERYONE TO HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY...

EXCEPT ME.

HERE I AM --

STILL IN THE SIXTH GRADE.

ROBBIE WALOVER --

DID -- DID HE LIVE OVER ON HILLSIDE AVENUE?

YES.

I KNEW HIM.

MY MOTHER WAS FRIENDLY WITH HIS MOTHER.

WERE YOU...

AT THE PARTY?

YEAH.

WAS IT GREAT?

OH, ADRIAN -- HA HA -- YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

NO, NO.

OKAY, YES, OKAY, FINE. IT WAS -- YES, IT WAS, UM...

IT WAS PRETTY GREAT.

YEAH.

IT WAS GREAT. WE -- WE WENT TO CANDLESTICK PARK.

I MET WILLIE MAYS.

Stottlemeyer: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WE HAD TO PARALLEL PARK.

WHAT, FOR 20 MINUTES?

PARALLEL MEANS PARALLEL, RIGHT? THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

WHATEVER. COME ON. I WANT YOU TO HEAR SOMETHING.

WHAT IS IT? YOU SAID IT WAS BIG.

MONK, YOU'RE A GREAT DETECTIVE,

BUT NOBODY BATS A THOUSAND.

MARCI MAVEN, THIS IS ADRIAN MONK.

HE'S WORKING ON THE CASE WITH US.

YEAH, I REMEMBER YOU.

NOW, MARCI,

I WANT YOU TO TELL HIM

EXACTLY WHAT YOU'VE BEEN TELLING US.

I DID IT.

I KILLED BRAD'S EX SUSAN MALLOY.

I DID THE WORLD A FAVOR.

SHE WAS A TERRIBLE ACTRESS.

WHO WAS?

SUSAN MALLOY -- THE BITCH I KILLED.

SHE ONLY MADE ONE MOVIE.

WHAT KIND OF ACTRESS ONLY MAKES ONE MOVIE?

"FRAT PARTY MASSACRE" -- DID YOU SEE IT?

UH, NO.

I DID, LIKE, 20 TIMES.

AND HOW DID YOU DO IT, MARCI?

IT WAS EASY.

I SNUCK IN THE GLASS WINDOW IN THE BACK,

I HID, SHE CAME IN.

SHE WAS, UH, DOING AN EXERCISE TAPE.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME.

AND I PULLED OUT THE KNIFE,

AND SHE STARTED SCREAMING, AND I STARTED STABBING, AND...

I STABBED HER.

HOW MANY TIMES?

THREE OR FOUR.

WHY DID YOU DO IT, MARCI?

I DID IT FOR BRAD.

HELLO. HA HA.

I LOVE HIM, YOU KNOW?

I -- THAT BITCH BROKE HIS HEART.

SHE WON'T BE HURTING HIM ANYMORE, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHARONA AND I SAW HER A HALF AN HOUR AFTER THE MURDER.

THERE WAS NO BLOOD ON HER SHIRT.

SHE EXPLAINED THAT.

SHE SAID SHE WENT BACK TO HER CAR AND CHANGED.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLOODY CLOTHES?

WHERE ARE THEY?

MONK, WE HAVE A CONFESSION.

A CONFESSION TRUMPS A MISSING BLOUSE.

PLUS, THE VIDEOTAPE PUTS BRAD TERRY

IN THE FRONT YARD DURING THE ATTACK.

AND ALSO, WE HAVE A CONFESSION.

AND HE PASSED THE POLYGRAPH TEST.

AND DID I MENTION WE HAVE A CONFESSION?

OKAY.

OKAY.

OKAY, YOU WIN.

I'M CONVINCED.

HE'S INNOCENT.

YES!

WE HAVE A VERDICT.

ALL RIGHT, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

THIS CASE IS CLOSED. CALL THE D.A.

I WANT TO FILE THIS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. YES, SIR.

MONK...

HA HA.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

NOW I CAN TAKE THAT JOB.

I'M GOING TO BE A POLICE CONSULTANT ON THE SHOW.

NO WAY.

$1,000 FOR HALF A DAY'S WORK.

I COULDN'T HAVE TAKEN THE GIG

UNTIL YOU AGREED THE GUY WAS INNOCENT.

I APPRECIATE THAT.

AND, UH, I CAN TAKE THE PART THEY OFFERED ME.

I GOT A LINE IN THE NEXT EPISODE.

OH, MY GOD. HEY, HEY, HEY.

I CAN BRING BENJY TO THE SET!

THIS IS GREAT.

OH, $1,000 FOR A HALF A DAY'S WORK?

HEY, YOU GUYS CAN COME TO MY TRAILER IF YOU WANT.

OKAY. HA HA HA.

WAIT, YOU COULD CONSULT ME, TOO.

HEY, MONK...

THANKS.

I THINK I'M FINALLY GETTING THE HANG OF SIXTH GRADE.

IT'S ALL ONE MOTION.

CUFFS ARE OUT, RIGHT HAND DOWN,

CUFFS ARE ON...

LIKE YOU'RE DANCING.

SCREW THE BACKUP, I'M GOING --

SCREW THE BACKUP, I'M GOING IN.

SCREW THE BACK-- I'M GOING IN.

DO I SOUND LIKE A REAL COP?

YOU'LL NEVER SOUND LIKE A REAL COP.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO PUSH HIM AROUND.

HE'S A BAD GUY. THERE YOU GO.

YEAH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SCREW THE BACKUP, I'M GOING IN.

OOH.

SO, MOM, ARE WE REALLY GOING TO SEE BRAD TERRY?

YEAH.

WHERE IS HE?

HE'S IN HIS TRAILER WITH MR. MONK.

SORRY.

SORRY.

YOU CAN STOP APOLOGIZING, MR. MONK.

YOU WERE JUST DOING YOUR JOB.

NO. NO, NO, NO.

I-I WASN'T THINKING STRAIGHT.

YOU REMINDED ME OF THIS KID

I KNEW IN SIXTH GRADE.

IT'S COMPLICATED.

WE ALL HAVE OUR DEMONS, RIGHT?

SO THE CASE IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED?

MARCI CONFESSED?

THAT'S RIGHT.

I ALWAYS KNEW SHE WAS UNSTABLE.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

COME IN. SHE'S BEEN HARASSING ME FOR YEARS.

HI. HEY, LAURIE, HOW ARE YOU?

I GOT YOUR WATER.

THANKS.

SIERRA SPRINGS.

I-I DRINK THAT, TOO.

YEAH? HERE.

WE GET 'EM FOR FREE 'CAUSE I DRINK IT ON THE SHOW.

GOT TO LOVE THEM PERKS.

I LOVE THEM PERKS.

UH, BRAD...

UH, DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO READ MY SCRIPT?

YES. OH, YEAH, I'M SORRY.

I WAS GOING TO CALL YOU. IT WAS GREAT.

REALLY? YOU LIKED IT?

YEAH, IT WAS THE BEST SCRIPT I'VE READ ALL YEAR.

I LOVED THE -- THE CRAZY UNCLE

AND THE, UM, ROAD TRIP. THAT'S EXCELLENT, YEAH.

THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

REALLY? YEAH.

LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T MIND, AND FEEL FREE TO SAY NO,

I WAS GOING TO PASS IT ON TO MY AGENT, SEE WHAT HE THINKS.

SURE, YEAH. MY GOD, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH.

UH, BREAK'S OVER. WE NEED YOU ON SET.

OKAY.

WELL, I'M GOING TO GO SOLVE A COUPLE OF HOMICIDES.

YOU WANT TO WATCH?

SURE.

OKAY, EVERYBODY, PLACES!

AND...RAIN!

AND...ACTION!

WHERE YOU GOING TO, FRANKIE, HUH?

YOU GOING TO CHURCH?

COCAINE?

[ SPITS ]

IT'S PURE.

AND CUT!

OKAY, LET'S GO AGAIN.

Laurie: OKAY, QUICKLY, QUICKLY, RESET!

THAT'S GOOD -- I NEED TWO MORE GUYS COMING IN HERE QUICK.

OKAY, WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN! EVERYBODY BACK TO ONE!

THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN?

YEAH, THEY DO THE SAME SCENE OVER AND OVER,

AND THEN LATER ON, THEY PUT ALL THE PIECES TOGETHER.

IT'S CALLED EDITING.

LISTEN TO MR. HOLLYWOOD.

AND...ACTION!

WHERE YOU GOING TO, FRANKIE, HUH?

YOU GOING TO CHURCH?

COCAINE?

[ SPITS ]

IT'S PURE.

CUT! CUT!

HE USED A DIFFERENT FINGER. IT WON'T CUT TOGETHER.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

UH, BRAD, BRAD,

LISTEN, MAKE SURE YOU USE YOUR RIGHT PINKY, OKAY?

YEAH. SORRY.

NO PROBLEM.

EXCUSE ME, I NOTICED SOMETHING ELSE.

THE SECOND TIME,

THE LIGHTS ON THE VAN WERE OFF.

OH, HE'S RIGHT. I MISSED THAT ONE.

CARL, YOUR LIGHTS?

AND, UH...

THIS -- THIS -- THIS GENTLEMAN IN THE BROWN SHIRT

BY THE PIZZA PLACE -- HE, UH...

THE FIRST TIME, BOTH HIS SOCKS WERE PULLED ALL THE WAY UP,

BUT THE SECOND TIME, ONE WAS DOWN.

AND, UH, YOU, SIR --

SIR, YOUR UMBRELLA HANDLE WAS TURNED, UH, THIS WAY.

AND -- AND YOU, SIR, YOU -- YOUR COFFEE --

YOU WERE HOLDING YOUR COFFEE CUP

WITH YOUR PINKY EXTENDED THERE.

NOT -- NOT -- NOT THAT MUCH.

NOT THAT MUCH. AND HER SWEATER --

HER SWEATER WASN'T BUTTONED UP ALL THE WAY.

AND, UH, SHE LOOKED AT HER WATCH LIKE THIS THE FIRST TIME.

AND HIS -- HE SCRATCHED HIS ELBOW,

AND HER STRAW WAS BENT A LITTLE MORE.

THANK YOU, MR. MONK. YOU'RE A --

HER ZIPPER WAS -- ON HER BAG WAS ALL THE WAY UP.

YOU'RE A VERY OBSERVANT MAN, MR. MONK.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING

YOU CAN REALLY DO ABOUT THE BIRD,

BUT ON THE FIRST TAKE, THERE WAS A BIRD FLYING OVER.

IT'S OKAY. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT, MR. MONK.

YOU WAIT A WHILE, IT'LL PROBABLY COME AROUND.

COULD WE TAKE A BREAK? LET'S TAKE A BREAK.

Man: OKAY, BREAK! EVERYBODY BACK IN 10.

Stottlemeyer: HE'S KIND OF A PERFECTIONIST.

Brad: HEY.

HEY.

HI.

HEY, LAURIE.

DID YOU, UH...

CAPTAIN, DO YOU THINK THEY --

I THINK THEY NEED TO SHOVE THE CRIMINAL HARDER, DON'T YOU?

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. YEP, YEP, THAT WAS LAME.

I GOT YOU COVERED. THANK YOU.

HAVE YOU READ LAURIE'S SCRIPT?

NO. IS IT ANY GOOD?

IT IS THE WORST SCRIPT I HAVE EVER READ.

I FIGURED.

SHARONA...

WHAT?

BRAD.

HE LIED TO THAT GIRL ABOUT HER SCRIPT.

I WAS THERE.

SO WHAT? HE WAS BEING POLITE.

NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

HE WAS WEARING ONE OF THOSE PULSE MONITORS.

HIS HEARTBEAT DIDN'T CHANGE -- NOT A FRACTION.

HE'S A SOCIOPATH.

THAT'S HOW HE BEAT THE POLYGRAPH TEST.

HE DID IT.

HE'S THE GUY.

HE CAN'T BE THE GUY. HE'S THE GUY.

HE'S THE GUY.

[ SIGHS ]

HOW DO YOU FEEL, MARCI?

HOW DO I FEEL?

THAT'S FUNNY,

BECAUSE I'VE TALKED TO FIVE PSYCHIATRISTS

AND THREE PSYCHOLOGISTS AND ONE THERAPIST,

AND, UH, THEY ALL WANTED TO KNOW THE SAME THING --

"HOW YOU FEELING, MARCI?"

"HOW YOU FEELING, MARCI?"

I-I HEARD THAT YOU GOT INTO SOME TROUBLE LAST NIGHT.

I SMASHED THE TV IN THE REC ROOM.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

"CRIME LAB S.F." WAS ON,

WITH THAT NEW THEME SONG THAT I HATE, AND --

WELL, WHY DO THEY NEED A NEW THEME SONG?

MARCI...

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T KILL SUSAN MALLOY.

UH, NO -- SURE I DID.

NO.

YOU COULDN'T KILL ANYONE.

WHY DID YOU CONFESS?

THERE'S ONLY ONE REASON WHY YOU WOULD CONFESS --

BECAUSE YOU KNOW BRAD TERRY IS GUILTY.

YOU LOVE HIM.

YOU'RE PROTECTING HIM.

BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S GUILTY?

THAT'S THE QUESTION.

HOW DO YOU KNOW

HE KILLED HIS EX-WIFE?

HMM?

MARCI.

MARCI.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED HERE?

THEY WENT OUTSIDE TOGETHER FOR A MINUTE,

SHE COMES BACK IN ALONE.

YOU BE SUSAN.

GREAT, SO I'M THE VICTIM AGAIN?

[ SIGHS ]

I THINK YOU ENJOY STABBING AND SHOOTING ME.

NO, I DON'T ENJOY IT, BUT IT'S MY JOB.

OKAY, SO SHE COMES BACK IN TO START HER WORKOUT,

AND YOU PUT IN YOUR FAVORITE EXERCISE VIDEO...

[ LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

OH, MY GOD! WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M SORRY. IT WAS TURNED ALL THE WAY UP.

OKAY.

OKAY.

OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE.

IT WAS TURNED ALL THE WAY UP

THE DAY SHE WAS KILLED, TOO.

WELL, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

LET ME SEE THAT YOGA TAPE.

IT'S NOT HERE.

IT'S RIGHT THERE. I SAW DISHER TAKE IT OUT.

IT'S NOT HERE.

DID SOMEBODY STEAL IT?

WELL, WHO WOULD STEAL A WORKOUT TAPE?

IT'S NOT HERE.

WHAT?

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE IT.

JUST -- JUST HEAR ME OUT.

JUST KEEP AN OPEN MIND.

HE DID IT, DIDN'T HE?

THERE'S A REASON

THE CORONER COULDN'T FIND A BULLET IN HER BODY.

THERE WAS NO BULLET TO FIND.

AT LEAST NO ORDINARY BULLET.

YOU KILLED THE HOOKER WITH A BULLET

MADE FROM YOUR OWN FROZEN BLOOD.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SENATOR?

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED --

ALL YOU NEEDED WAS AN OUNCE OF YOUR BLOOD.

YOU POURED IT INTO A .38-CALIBER MOLD,

THEN FROZE IT. THE REST WAS EASY.

YOU LEFT THE FUNDRAISER AT 7:00...

YOU SHOT THE HOOKER...

THEN YOU WAITED FOR THE BLOOD BULLET TO DISSOLVE.

YOU CAN'T PROVE ANY OF THIS.

OH, I THINK WE CAN.

I THINK IT'S FINE. I THINK THE GUNSHOT COULD BE LOUDER.

I CAN DO LOUDER.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART --

WHERE EVERYBODY STANDS AROUND AND YOU SUM UP THE CASE.

YEAH, ME TOO. THANKS.

I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. I WAS TALKING TO MR. MONK.

WHY DON'T YOU, UH, TAKE A BREAK?

BRAD TERRY, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF YOUR EX-WIFE.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

I WAS OUT ON THE FRONT LAWN THE WHOLE TIME.

EVERYBODY SAW ME.

YOU MADE SURE EVERYBODY SAW YOU

BY PRETENDING TO BE DRUNK

AND STAGING THAT FIGHT A FEW DAYS EARLIER.

AFTER AN INCIDENT LIKE THAT,

YOU KNEW THE PRESS WOULD FOLLOW YOU ANYWHERE.

THAT WAS THE WHOLE IDEA --

YOU NEEDED WITNESSES.

Brad: I WAS AT A BAR, ERIC. YEAH, I HAD A DRINK...OR TWO.

AND SOME PEANUTS.

LISTEN, STAY OFF THE PROPERTY, PLEASE.

AND LEAVE SUSAN OUT OF IT...

OKAY, FREEZE IT RIGHT THERE.

THAT PROVES IT. I WAS OUTSIDE WHEN SHE SCREAMED.

OH, YEAH, SHE SCREAMED,

BUT THAT SCREAM WAS 15 YEARS OLD.

YOU RECOGNIZE THIS?

THIS IS THE FIRST MOVIE YOUR WIFE EVER MADE.

TOOK US FOREVER TO TRACK IT DOWN.

THE MOVIE'S BEEN OUT OF PRINT FOR YEARS.

AAH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

AAH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

SUSAN?!

MARCI MAVEN RECOGNIZED THE SCREAM

'CAUSE SHE'S SEEN THE MOVIE 100 TIMES.

AS SPECIAL AGENT RUSTY CLARK WOULD SAY,

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED --

LAST WEEK YOU CAME IN HERE ALONE AFTER HOURS.

AAH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

NO! AAH!

IT WAS EASY TO TRANSFER SUSAN'S SCREAM

FROM THE SLASHER FILM ONTO THE EXERCISE VIDEO.

AAH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

[ BLENDER WHIRRING ]

THE MORNING OF THE MURDER,

YOU SMASHED SOME GLASS ON THE REAR DOOR

TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY BROKE IN.

YOU HID A KNIFE NEAR THE FRONT DOOR

WHERE YOU COULD GRAB IT QUICKLY.

THEN YOU REPLACED HER EXERCISE VIDEO

WITH THE ONE YOU DOCTORED, AND THE STAGE WAS SET.

AS YOU PLANNED, THE PRESS WAS OUT FRONT,

AND YOU MADE SURE THEY SAW SUSAN ALIVE

AS YOU LEFT THE HOUSE.

YOU RECORDED THE AUDIO LOW INTENTIONALLY,

BECAUSE YOU NEEDED HER TO TURN THE VOLUME ALL THE WAY UP.

PUT YOUR ARMS UP OVER YOUR HEAD.

RIGHT FOOT

TAKES A NICE BIG STEP TO THE RIGHT,

AND ARMS DOWN.

TURN YOUR --

Susan's voice: AAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

SUSAN?

Sharona: THE PRESS THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING IN TO HELP HER,

BUT YOU WERE GOING IN TO KILL HER.

Monk: YOU ONLY HAD A FEW SECONDS.

THAT WAS ALL YOU NEEDED.

SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE! SHE'S BEEN STABBED!

GOOD WORK, MR. MONK.

AND HE DID IT WITHOUT A SPECTROSCOPE.

COULD YOU STAND UP, PLEASE, MR. TERRY?

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

IT'S ONE EASY MOTION --

CUFFS COME OUT, RIGHT ARM DOWN,

SLAP 'EM ON.

YOU'RE GOING DOWN, CLOWN.

IT'S JUST LIKE YOU'RE DANCING.

HOW WAS THAT? THAT WAS PERFECT.

NOW DON'T BE AFRAID TO ROUGH HIM UP.

THAT'S A BAD GUY.

COME ON.

[ KNOCKING CONTINUES ]

HEY!

HA HA HA.

MARCI.

W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I JUST CAME BY TO THANK YOU.

GOD, THAT WAS SO CRAZY OF ME

TO CONFESS TO MURDER.

OH.

WHAT --

WHAT -- WHAT TIME IS IT?

OH, UH, MIDNIGHT.

MIDNIGHT.

WELL, I-I'D INVITE YOU IN, BUT, UH...

I MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, DON'T I?

OH.

THAT'S OKAY.

YOU KNOW, LISTEN, I'M -- I'M SORRY ABOUT BRAD, AND, UM...

OH, I DON'T EVEN LIKE BRAD ANYMORE.

UGH.

I'M NEVER SEEING HIS SHOW AGAIN, NO WAY.

WHICH IS EASY TO SAY ANYWAY,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY CANCELED IT.

WELL, OKAY, GOOD FOR YOU. I'M -- I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

REALLY?

YOU KNOW, THEY TOLD ME HOW YOU SOLVED THE CASE

AND EVERYTHING, ADRIAN,

AND I JUST THINK YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

NAH, NOT -- NOT REALLY.

YEAH, REALLY.

I STARTED A WHOLE WEB SITE ABOUT YOU

AND A NEWSLETTER.

OH, GOD. DON'T -- DON'T DO THAT.

OH, YOU ARE THE GREATEST DETECTIVE IN THE WORLD.

YOU'RE THE --

YOU ARE THE GREATEST DETECTIVE IN THE UNIVERSE.

HA HA HA.

YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR OWN SHOW.

NO, NO, I-I --

YOU SHOULD.

YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME SOMETHING.

WILL YOU PROMISE ME SOMETHING?

IF YOU EVER DO GET YOUR OWN SHOW...

YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME

THAT YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE THE THEME SONG.

OKAY?

UM, I PROMISE.

YOU PROMISE. HA HA.

YOU PROMISE.

I PROMISE.

YOU PROMISE?

YEAH.

HA HA.

-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY O.C.P.I. PRODUCTIONS, INC.