Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

("Lucky Girl" by Cato Salsa Experience)

VOICEOVER: You're watching The Diamond Zone,

America's top adult network.

Up next...

Hey, hey!

It's Diamond Jim here,

ready to rock your world.

Lock the door.

Throw the tarp on the couch and

get ready, it's time for the Diamond Jim Marathon.

WOMAN: Woo! DIAMOND JIM: (laughs) Yeah!

It's a scrapbook of some of my hottest hits.

Including Cheerleader Debutantes 3: Gettin' Wet,

Debutante Nurses 9: Missionary Impossible,

and, of course,

Candys Sriper Cutey 14: You've Got Tail.

So, join all your favorite stars,

including Autumn Bliss.

Give me a T!

Give me an A!

DIAMOND JIM: Daphne Cheeks.

(gasps) I'm so wet! (giggles)

DIAMOND JIM: Suzi Diablo.

(whip swooshes) Submit.

And, of course, the hottest piece of ass known to mankind,

Bambi.

I'm all yours.

But wait, there's more.

Start dialin' that phone,

'cause one of you lucky bastards could be the next winner

of one of these bitchin' prizes.

How 'bout a leather barcalounger?

Treated with Tru Stain Guard, (phone rings)

or, an '86 Fiero. LESTER: Come on.

DIAMOND JIM: Saline racing package

and bumper bra. (laughs)

Come on.

The granddaddy of 'em all.

The vintage Diamond Jim Porn Booth.

Signed by me, Diamond Jim.

All your dreams come true right here.

Sit back, relax... LESTER: Hello?

Awesome. (door chimes)

VOICEOVER: What's your name?

Uh, me, Lester Watts.

W-A-T-T-S.

(bell rings)

Uh, I'm a boxers man.

Average size, pry, you know,

(coughs nervously) five and seven eighths inches.

But it's really wide.

Devastating girth.

Last night, or this morning,

and, like, 20 minutes ago at lunch.

And a pack of smokes.

If I had to choose, uh,

probably nipple clamps over strap-on.

Tapped?

What else do I like.

Fucking sixth graders!

VOICEOVER: Gross.

No, no, no, no, that's not what I meant.

Hello?

Hello?

God! (phone slams against counter)

God!

Hey, man of the hour, what's up?

How'd it go?

I got it.

LESTER: What? CARL: Yeah.

You just got it?

And it was beautiful.

I just sat down, eye to eye,

and the guy caved on everything.

Huge raise, fat title, sick office.

The works.

Tracy, how'd she take it when you told her

you were leavin' her daddy's firm?

No, no, I haven't, uh,

you know, I haven't told her.

Oh, Jesus Christ, man.

You're not giving her enough credit.

You know, she's a great girl.

Alright, and she wants what's best for me.

Because that is what's best for us,

for the Tracy Carl unit, and...

(spits)

Did you just say to me the Tracy Carl unit?

Bro.

I've had your back since the bloody asphalt days

of third grade dodge ball.

Tim Wheatley hit you in the face with a basketball.

Knocked you out.

What did I do?

I held him down and farted in his mouth, Carl.

I know, and I appreciate that.

You know I appreciate that.

I know what's best for you.

And, if I was about to cut my balls off,

I hope that a good friend

would stand up and tell me that I'm an asshole.

So, Carl, as a friend,

you're an asshole.

Lester.

I promise, everything's gonna be okay.

Alright?

It's gonna be fine.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Leaving Daddy's firm after all he's done for you, for us.

Well, yes, I know, but...

The wedding.

It's a hundred grand.

Who's paying?

Oh, that's right, Daddy.

Honeymoon?

Ding, Daddy again.

Well, he's very generous.

I just don't understand why you'd want to leave anyway.

My brothers love it there, and so does Uncle Larry.

And Mommy comes by everyday

with a healthy, homemade nutritious lunch

you claim you just love.

That is, unless you've been lying

to me.

Hmm?

Little liar.

Are you, Carl?

I am not a liar, I love your mother's cooking.

I just think that I...

Carl, sweetie, you've just,

you've got to have an open mind about this,

and realize that leaving Daddy's firm is simply

not gonna happen.

Okay, baby?

End of discussion.

Is the filo okay, though?

Hmm, a little cold.

Whoops.

Mm.

Mm, mm-hmm.

That's a good choice.

You know what?

You don't even have to tell me.

I wanna guess, is that okay?

You sat down eye to eye and you folded like a little bitch.

Am I wrong?

So you got the same title, no raise, shitty office.

What did you call it?

The works!

It's Monday morning, welcome to Hell.

I mean, why is she so mad at you all the time?

I mean, c'mon, bro.

I think you're the one that should be pissed, my friend.

I was thinking that maybe

I should buy her something, you know, that's special,

but, also, creative.

Ooh, like, get her a retard with a box of crayons.

With one of them sharpeners, so he can sharpen it

and then take the shavings and put 'em all over his face.

You're going to Hell.

Well, you know what, no, I'm not going to Hell.

Retards love crayons.

What are you doing?

No, no, no, no, don't be that guy.

I'm not calling her, alright.

Who are you callin'?

I'm calling to decline the job offer.

Don't be rash, okay, you don't have to call right now.

Give it the weekend.

Why give it the weekend?

I mean, what is the point?

What's gonna happen this weekend that's gonna...

(knocking on door) (dog barks)

(curious music)

(wood creaks)

(panel slams on floor)

(gasps)

Um.

Did you buy this?

I don't know.

I've been pretty blackout drunk

for the last week and a half, thanks for asking.

But, no, I feel like I won it.

I vaguely remember calling some sweepstakes.

I hope I didn't buy this.

This thing's priceless, I couldn't have bought it.

I couldn't afford this.

Really?

And I'm the one who has to rethink my life.

Yeah, you do.

Let's plug this sucker in, huh?

This is a piece of history, my man.

I mean, this is how they kicked it old school.

There was no internet back them.

Just grab a roll of quarters, get on in,

and get your horn off.

Thanks for the history lesson, plug it in, huh?

(static) (booth whirs)

It works.

CARL: It seems to, yeah.

Let's check it out.

(Carl scoffs) C'mon!

It's like a time machine,

taking you back to porn's glory days.

Uh-huh, why am I longing for those days?

This is a vintage Diamond Jim porn booth, okay?

You know who Diamond Jim is.

No, I don't.

Think Spielberg, okay.

That's the kind of influence that this man had on porn.

I mean, before Diamond Jim,

porno was dark and dirty and hairy

and Diamond Jim just changed everything.

DJ made porn fun, okay?

And fun is something that you are sorely lacking these days.

Any fun that's left in you

is gonna be sucked out by you know who.

Alright.

And not from your (whistles) 'cause she doesn't do that.

That's inappropriate, she's a lady.

Get in the porn booth Carl,

and I'll show you some real ladies.

CARL: That's great. LESTER: Yeah.

LESTER: Carl. CARL: What?

Trust me, get in the porn booth.

I'm not gettin' in there.

It's vintage, that means used, used means sticky.

I'm not gettin' in there.

You don't like sticky?

No.

You don't mind sittin' on the couch. (chuckles)

CARL: You fowl... LESTER: Let's go!

LESTER: Carl, trust me.

Pick your flick! (porn music)

CARL: Wow, someone had a real thing for nurses.

They're nice people.

Okay, Carl, they're helpers.

Holy shit, Sorority Surprise?

That's insane, no way, no, no, no, no.

Why?

Sorority Surprise, you never heard of it?

I never have.

It's Diamond Jim's experimental masterpiece.

It was an epic, days in the making,

only to disappear off the face of the planet.

Some people say Diamond Jim went insane trying to finish it.

Other people say it was the two scoops of cocaine

he put on his Raisin Bran every morning.

But, here it is.

Hey, bud, pick your flick.

This will put a smile on your face.

I bet it will.

Alright.

Let's get it on.

Are you doing that?

(dramatic music) (booth rattles and knocks)

What is happening, why is it happening?

When will it stop?

Stop this shit! (dog barks)

Dude, bail!

(screams)

(coughing and gagging)

Whoa, that was intense.

Are you okay?

I think so.

Man, where are we?

(police sirens wail) Carl!

Carl!

(porn music)

Freeze!

Put your hands up!

I said freeze!

Get your hands up.

You want us to freeze or get our hands up?

Shut up, punk.

Brittany, frisk 'em.

Jeez!

I think we have a concealed weapon here.

It's not what you think.

Is that booze I smell on your breath?

I'm sorry, officer, we did not do anything wrong here.

BRUNETTE COP: Oh yeah? CARL: Ow!

How's malicious jaywalking sound?

With intent.

Made up.

No, really, officer, how do I know you?

And you, too, college?

I mean, I really didn't go to college.

I used to deal weed there.

I didn't really deal weed there, but I'm just sayin'.

How do I know you, AA?

Silence.

(spray fizzes) Oh my God!

(screams)

(gasps)

Are those regulation uniforms?

VOICEOVER: Any available please head down south.

Please head down south.

VOICEOVER: Detective Cannon, strip search in room one.

(porn music)

(chair clangs on floor)

You wanna cop to or walk the block?

'Cause Rod Cannon has got the numbers on you.

And good.

(scoffs)

I get it. (pounds table)

That's the book on you, huh?

That's the book on you, smart guy, talkin' the talk?

Well, listen up, and you better listen good.

You better check wise,

and sing the rumble.

Or before you know it,

you might find yourself on the rub out highway

to Nowheresville.

That was the gun, son.

You don't wanna see the cannon.

Get this dumb mug outta my sight.

(chair clangs across floor)

(door slams)

VOICEOVER: We have a wet spill in the supply closet.

Attention janitorial, we have a wet spill.

Well, well. (porn music)

What do we have here?

Just another piece of meat, mm.

I...

(sharp slaps)

Another outburst like that,

and I will send you straight to the hole.

Uh... (baton whooshes sharply)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Just listen, okay?

All I know is I'm hangin' out with my buddy,

and the next thing you know there's lights

and then there's sound.

And then we slam into the ground, okay?

There was cops.

Titty cops!

(sharp slap)

Then they kicked me in the balls and they maced me.

And now I'm here, that's all I know.

You think I haven't heard that one before, do you?

(porn music)

(women shout in the background)

(footsteps)

VOICEOVER: Officers Amanda and Shauna to the first floor

for prisoner release.

You better get used to it, bitches.

You're the fuckin' bitch.

Bitch.

Shut up, you stupid bitch.

Why don't you make me, bitch?

(screams and yowls)

Don't hurt her.

Wait a minute.

Have we met somewhere before or somethin'?

I don't know.

I see punks like you every day.

Oh my God.

You're

(snaps finger) Suzi, Suzi Diablo.

Look.

We can either do this the easy way,

or we can do it the hard way.

Wait a minute, I know the answers.

I know the next line.

SUZY: Yes?

Could it get any harder?

Oh yeah.

(porn music) (moaning)

I think it just did.

Bingo.

(screaming and moaning)

(porn music) (moaning)

Oh.

(moans)

You guys wanna...

'Cause it's opened.

No, we're good.

You're good, yeah.

(fabric rips)

One way or another,

you're gonna tell me what I want to know.

Even if I have to suck it out of you.

Oh, I'm not talkin'!

I'm not talkin'.

You can't get me to talk. CARL: Lester.

Hey Lester. (exciting music)

Oh my God!

What is he doing here?

Uh, baby, it's okay.

That's my buddy.

Dude, you don't understand.

She needs information.

I can explain.

Well, that's great, explain later.

C'mon, c'mon.

You can't get away.

I'll track you down until I get what I want.

CARL: Let's go, let's go, c'mon.

Excuse me!

(people talking and laughing)

("Out on the Streets" by Bang Camaro)

Oh my God.

(screaming)

(girls shouting)

What?

(girls talking and laughing)

(coughs)

(engine revs)

(tires squeal)

This way.

(tires screech)

This is all my fault.

Don't sweat it, sista.

We're gonna track house to house.

We're gonna bag those plugs,

before the blue plate hits the counter.

Yeah?

Oh yeah. (porn music)

(moans)

Whoa! (record scratches)

(record scratches)

Can it, chippy.

Can it.

Rod's always here for the takin', you know that.

But, with these punks,

these mugs, these goofa loofa doofa loose in my engine.

It's track one for trouble time.

Okay.

I think.

Okay.

(engine revs)

(tires squeal)

Oh my God, I am so wet!

(screams) It's so cold!

Ooh, and now I'm way wetter than you are.

Nuh-huh, I'm way wetter.

Woo, girls!

Now you're both wet.

Alright, let's take a vote.

ALL: Yes, Mrs. Bliss.

Who's wetter?

Brandy

or Mandy?

(giggles) I wanna play!

(laughter)

Woo, now you're the wettest!

Have you ever seen anything like this?

Yes.

Yes, my friend, I have.

This is the opening scene of Dirty Talking Coeds.

Alright, that's enough of the jokes, I'm serious, alright?

Bro, this is not a joke.

And I don't even know how to be more serious.

And, like, wow.

This is definitely the wettest I've ever been.

Excuse me?

(gasps) Like, wow.

This is definitely the wettest I've ever been.

(curious music)

What?

Yeah.

That chick, back at the police station,

her name is Suzi Diablo.

She's a porn star.

She's a black belt in S&M, she's nothin' but trouble.

And this girl...

Alright girls! (girls scream)

Her name is Autumn Bliss.

She's the den mother here at Tri Pi Sorority.

She keeps the girls in line.

Dirty little hussies.

And her, that there is Daphne Cheeks.

The blonde one.

She's a water sports specialist,

if you know what I'm sayin'.

It's one of my personal favorites.

And in 5, 4, 3, 2...

(rock music)

That is Bambi Cummings.

She is the best of the best, Carl.

I'll take that, Bambi.

Thanks.

Hi, girls.

GIRLS: Hi, Bambi!

Hi, Bambi.

End of story.

Carl.

I think we have to seriously consider the possibility

that we died back there.

We got electrocuted in that booth

and now we've somehow made it to Heaven.

Praise Jesus.

No, no.

This is just a bad, drunk dream.

And, any minute, I am gonna wake up

and everything will be the way it was.

Well, not exactly.

Diamond Jim.

In the flesh, my friend.

And, please, call me DJ.

DJ, please, tell my this is

some sort of dream or something.

Or, are we dead?

Well, the answer's yes and no.

Told you.

See, it's like this.

On the one hand,

you've taken on an alternative form of existence.

Which could be construed as some sort of a dream-like state.

But, on the other hand, since you physically traveled here,

you no longer exist back home,

so, technically, you're considered dead.

Yes!

But, not really, 'cause you're here, and you're alive.

Huh?

So, wait, wait, wait.

Are you saying that we

have traveled to some sort of

alternate porno flick dimension?

Or perhaps, if you will, a Pornoville?

Well, if it looks like porno and, uh, smells like porno.

It must be porno!

Oh yes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

No, no, no, no, no, this is not happening.

Oh, it's happening, Carl.

You see, you were brought here for a reason.

And, like any great journey,

the true adventure is figuring that reason out.

Or somethin'.

Cool, I love meaningful journeys.

If you could just do me a favor

and point me in the direction of one of those, um,

dimension altering porn booths,

and I'll just make my way home.

Carl, you don't punch your ticket home

until you complete your journey.

No fast-forwarding.

You dig, son?

Now, here are the rules.

Listen up.

There are none! (laughs)

Shut the fuck up, no way.

Wait, now, hang on.

Is there one?

Shit, I don't remember, hey,

do whatever the hell you want.

It gets better, huh?

But, uh, boys?

Piece of advice.

Just keep it simple.

(laughter)

Oh, he's gone.

Freak.

Okay, so, we can't hide out here in the open then.

Um, hey, we can hide up there.

They have an attic up there that they never use.

How do you know?

Because, in Coed Cupcakes 9,

the girls have a seance with a vibrating Ouija board

that they think is haunted by a ghost with a 20-inch schlong

that they call the Cockness Monster

that lives in the attic that they never use.

Oh, I should've been a better friend to you, huh?

Yeah.

Great.

Alright, fine, let's go.

Okay, but first, we have to hide here

for five more minutes.

Why?

They're about to have an orgy, bro.

Fine, let's go.

("Out on the Streets" by Bang Camaro)

(girls laughing and squealing)

Huh?

This is hilarious. (laughs)

Look at this.

CARL: What? LESTER: Check this out.

Oh shit!

Why do they need all this desert, I don't understand.

(girls giggling)

Ooh la la!

God, that was fun.

I know, and we've only just begun.

Woo!

Look at what I've got.

Little whipped cream.

(squeals)

Mm, any chocolate to go with that?

Maybe.

That feels good.

Ooh.

Don't forget the cherries, girls.

BOTH: We won't, Mrs. Bliss!

Here, lick that.

Mm!

Mm, you're my favorite sundae, yummy.

Here.

(giggling)

Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

Lester, we gotta go, we gotta go.

They forgot the cherries, Carl.

They forgot the cherries! CARL: We gotta go!

They forgot the cherries!

We gotta go!

Compose!

Compose.

(tense music)

(girls giggling and talking)

Oh yeah, extra, extra.

I'll bring Mr. Booboo.

Oh, good idea!

I'm gonna take a shower.

But I always take showers.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

(giggles) You're silly!

You can change in here if you want.

Ooh, um, how about we meet in the shower?

Okay. (giggles)

("Push Push" by Bang Camaro)

* Oh

* Oh

* Ooh, come on

* I wanna take you higher

* Ooh, come on

* Let's make electric fire

* Push push lady lightening

* Push

* Push

* Push push lady lightening

* Push

* Push

(door slams)

(screams)

Who are you, and what are you doing in my closet?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can explain.

Yeah, you better, or I start screaming.

No, no, don't scream, don't scream, please, please.

Um, okay, I came here in a booth.

A movie booth, but it's not a movie booth,

it's a time portal dimension jumping...

You sure you wanna hear this?

Oh, I'm quite sure, mm-hmm.

Quality control, ma'am.

Uh, I have been inspecting these items.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to seize them all.

What?

Even Mr. Booboo?

Oh, especially Mr. Booboo.

So, you're from outer space?

CARL: Uh, no, not exactly. BAMBI: You gonna eat me?

I'm not, no, no, I'm not gonna do anything to you.

I just, I need to go home.

Oh.

Gee, mister.

Are you absolutely positive you have to take all of them?

Absolutely sure.

Well, are you sure there's

nothing I can do to change your mind?

Well, I, uh... (laughs)

I'm sure that, uh...

(giggles)

I, uh...

(giggles)

(growls)

(sighs sensually)

(hisses)

(gasps)

(growling, hissing, and moaning)

And where did you land here?

I dunno, there was an alley.

And, um, we got arrested. (tires squealing)

I mean, everything was just happening so fast.

It looks like things aren't slowing down any time soon.

(tires screech)

(porn music)

Oh no, that's that guy.

That's that crazy detective guy with the toothpick,

and I don't know what he's saying.

Yeah, that's Detective Rod Cannon.

He always gets his man.

You guys gotta hide.

You gonna help us?

Of course, silly. (giggles)

Oh, thanks.

(squeals)

(giggles)

(screams)

Daphne, you gotta hide these two and quick!

Rod is here.

Rod Cannon?

The long schlong of the law?

Rod Cannon?

Did he interrogate you?

Yeah, kinda.

Oh, shit, bro. (squeals)

You do not wanna be caught by Rod.

He always gets his man.

If you know what I mean.

I usually don't know what you mean,

and it's no exception right now.

(panting)

(knocks on door)

Well.

If it isn't Rod Cannon. (porn music)

Afternoon, Mrs. Bliss.

What can I do for you today, Detective?

Official business.

Rod.

You know boys aren't allowed upstairs without an escort.

Like I said, sweetie, it's official.

He's coming.

(excited music)

(knocks on door)

Open up, police.

Hey, guys.

What's up?

Step aside, please.

I need to have a look see.

In there.

Cool.

Something wrong?

Well, that's confidential.

Mm.

Awesome.

Have fun.

Okay.

So.

You girls seen anything out of the ordinary?

Mm-mm.

(giggles)

Somethin' funny?

DAPHNE: No.

BAMBI: Rod, is there something we should be

worried about?

I'm a workin' man, cupcake.

So, that's Detective Cannon to you.

And, please, I'm the one asking the questions here, missy.

You understand?

(vibrator hums)

Turn it off!

I don't know how.

How long you had this for?

I don't know how to do it.

You know how to do it.

How long do you want me to have had it for?

(stuffed animal quacks)

(moans)

(porn music)

Oh.

Rod, are you gonna tell us what's going on or not?

Nothin' I can't handle.

Just a couple hoods on the lam.

You know me.

(bat whooshes through the air)

I always get my man.

(bat whooshes through the air)

Let's smash it in the window.

Whoa!

One.

Two.

Three. (window slams shut)

Ooh!

(bat cracks against skull) (Carl shouts in pain)

(whimpering)

You hear somethin'?

BAMBI: No, what? DAPHNE: No. (giggles)

Did you hear something, no, uh-huh.

(giggles)

(coughs) Alright.

Guess my work here is done.

Thanks, Rod, we already have your number.

Jesus Christ! (Carl whimpers)

BAMBI: Oh my God!

CARL: Ow!

We have to get you guys to the hospital.

No, no, we don't need doctors.

Yes, and, besides, there's lots of crazy gadgets there.

Maybe one of them can help you get home.

Oh, okay, thank you, that's nice.

Let me just do my hair first, my hospital hair.

Hospital hair, okay.

What's happening?

Wouldn't you say you're risking

quite a bit for this mysterious stranger?

You know me.

I'm always a sucker for the new guy.

(giggles) Jeez.

And Carl is just so sweet and helpless.

I mean, look at them.

(groaning)

Oh.

Oh.

So, every day these palookas ride the streets

is an embarrassment.

An embarrassment, not only to me,

but to the entire department.

No one, and I mean no one,

makes a clean sneak from the clubhouse and walks.

Not on my watch.

Not on my watch.

(door slams shut)

Sir.

I've just landed a tip.

No, not that.

They've been spotted at the hospital.

Diablo, slant the hospital.

Dick, Lance, hit the campus.

I want these hoods back by nightfall,

or there will be hell to pay.

Get out of here.

Come on, move, let's see movement.

Let's move, let's move, let's move.

Other way, other way, go.

VOICEOVER: The pink zone is for unloading only.

(rapid footsteps) (machinery beeps)

I've got a contorted labrum.

I need 600 gallons of toxamagooem.

What was that last word?

Where'd you study medicine?

This one here's got a humerus erectus and it's...

Yeah, it's huge.

(muffled words) What are you doing?

Doctor, are they gonna be okay?

Right now, it doesn't look good.

But you sure as hell do.

Is there anything that I can do?

Well, I'm sure I can think of something.

Okay.

VOICEOVER: All deliveries for Dr. Jellyfinger

please use the rear entry.

(gasps) Carl, what are you doing?

Look, I have to get out of here.

I can't waste my time with this.

I've gotta find the portal, I've gotta get home.

Let's just grab Lester and we'll go.

I can't.

Oh, yeah.

I have to go to cheerleading practice.

Tryouts are tomorrow.

And, besides, we can't arouse any suspicions.

Yeah, no, I understand.

I mean, you've already done so much.

But, I still wanna help.

After you find Lester, come back to the Pi House,

and Daphne and I will find you guys a place to hide.

Right, okay, thanks, Bambi.

Sure thing, and good luck.

Uh, then, good luck to you, thank you.

To you as... (coughs)

(rock music)

(sharp slap)

(sharp slap)

(sharp slap)

Where are they?

Oh!

Hey girls, yeah.

Do you want to get it on with me?

Do you want to do it?

Are you ready for your sponge bath?

Uh, yeah. (porn music)

(laughs) Now turn over.

Okay.

We always start with the back.

But, don't worry.

We always finish with the front.

(laughs)

Oh yeah, you excited?

Not really. (chuckles)

Oh, really?

Oh yeah, get down in the crack there.

(intercom beeps)

VOICEOVER: Dr. Bushwood, please prepare for an injection.

Dr. Bushwood, prepare for a big injection.

Bubbly.

Shh.

(gasps)

Wow, that looked painful.

Hello, Lesty.

VOICEOVER: Dr. Dickblow, call gynecology stat.

Ooh, baby.

Looks like I'm all strapped in.

It wasn't very nice, running out on me like that.

Oh, well, it's all about timing, baby.

Look, I'm not going anywhere, so I guess

now is the time, if you know what I'm sayin'?

(tense music)

What's that thing?

Uh.

I assure you, this, indeed, will hurt.

Wait!

You mean, like, role play hurt?

Mm-hmm.

Or, honest to God, hurt?

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, no, no, you don't wanna do that.

Yes?

Dr. Jellyfinger, Dr. Jellyfinger.

Dr. Jellyfinger. CARL: Oh, no, that's not...

Your patient is waiting.

I don't have patients.

What if I told you...

(tense music)

What if I told you that I'm a virgin?

Aw, fuck it, I'm stalling.

Get it over with.

(screams)

(screams)

Don't, uh, okay.

Hello.

Doctor.

It's so good to see you.

So, um,

what, uh,

seems to be the problem?

It's my nipples.

They taste funny.

Okay, would you excuse me for...

(screams)

Oh, weird!

Lester! (screams)

Carl, help me!

(chair clangs)

Wow.

You don't ever say a word about this.

I don't know what you're talking...

I don't, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Good. Nothin'.

(shouts)

My legs!

Yes!

(hectic music)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's where we landed.

That's where we landed, that's where we dropped.

I don't care, let's go, she's comin'.

With that thing, let's go!

Come on!

Um...

Okay.

It's still there.

Don't touch me.

I don't...

I'm gonna count to three, okay?

Keep 'em closed.

One.

(gasps)

(growls)

(grunts)

You never say a word about this, ever.

Ever.

No, never.

Absolutely, I would not do that.

(door bangs)

Go, go, go, go, go! (high tempo music)

Gave you the slip, huh?

Let me tell you somethin', missy.

I want those twists bar-bound.

Asap.

It's not at your batch.

Got me, sister?

Move it.

So, uh, why don't you tell me something about yourself.

Okay, um,

I'm 21 years old and I'm a Capricorn.

I'm 5'7, 110 pounds, my measurements are 34C, 24, 34.

My turn-ons include candle-light dinners,

guys who make me laugh,

and long bubble baths,

and my goal in life is to make the world smile.

(chuckles)

But, you know what?

Lately I've been having these thoughts.

New thoughts.

I just think that there must be more to life than sex.

Gosh, I mean, it's always sex.

Just

sex,

sex,

sex.

It seems like there might be something missing.

Yeah, like, like love, perhaps.

Love.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, love.

When you have sex with someone that you love,

the sex is better.

Okay, so, I'm supposed to have sex

with the people that I love.

Yeah, absolutely.

But, how do you know if you're falling in love?

Well, that is the great mystery.

Maybe it's something that you catch in a person's eye

that touches you.

Or, maybe it's the way that person treats you.

The way that they understand, they listen.

Let's make love.

Right now.

What?

You wanna make...

Now?

I gotta go to the bathroom.

What?

You don't love me?

No, it's not that.

I just, you know, I should...

Two seconds, give me two seconds.

Okay.

So, I found myself outside of San Antone

round abouts midnight on a cool January eve.

I was shacked up on an old Pentecostal church

with Ruby Joe Greenberg,

who's foot now with old Chief Redclaw.

He's outta Missoula way.

Makes his livin' tradin' arrowheads for

firewater and mescalin south of the border.

He carries around a dream catcher.

You wanna take a bath and fuck?

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

Some people say that it's not cheating

if you're in a different state.

So, I don't really see how it can be cheating

if you're in a different fucking dimension.

You gotta lighten up, bro.

Come on, alright, here, here's what you do, alright?

You go back in there and you man up.

You know, I think you need to realize something.

This is not a joke.

Alright?

If we don't figure out what's what,

we might be doomed here forever.

I think you just might be overreacting just a little bit.

I mean, sure, things aren't going our way right now,

but, as soon we work out the kinks,

c'mon, everything's gonna be great.

Look, it's just, you know, I have a life to get back to.

You know, a real life.

And, uh, wait a minute.

You and I have a dog together.

Charlie! (dog burps)

Charlie, yeah.

Okay.

But, I'm gonna tell you what.

If I give all this up,

you have got to promise me, right now,

that when you get back,

you at least try and make some changes in your life.

I'm sorry, wait, what does that mean?

I don't want you goin' back

and living your same shitty life, Carl.

Wait a minute, I have a shitty life?

You have the shittiest life, yes.

You're about to marry a woman

who's not gonna let you be you.

Not only that, she's turned you into a bitch!

You're a little bitch!

She took 'em.

She owns 'em, and now you're a bitch.

I don't even know you anymore.

Whoa!

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Come here.

Alright, so, where should we look for the, uh,

the way to (snaps fingers). LESTER: Whoa.

I tell you what, I've got a million ideas

all brewin' right up here,

can't wait to get workin' on 'em asap.

But, first, you're gonna have to, uh,

you're gonna have to let me take a bath.

With Daphne.

She's ready to rock, so...

If I could get you to leave the bathroom,

it'd be really great.

Okay.

So, first thing tomorrow then.

LESTER: Oh yeah, totally, tomorrow, perfect.

Lookin' forward to it.

Have fun.

Okay.

Carl, that was the longest two seconds of my life.

This is about right.

(porn music)

(gasps)

Hello, poppy.

I hoped you brought some ice.

Why would I need ice?

(kicks thud)

(kick thuds)

(gasps for air)

(groaning)

Hey, wait here.

(vomit splatters)

(groans)

(laughs)

(groans)

I forgot.

You're a Tri Pi.

You pledged in Dirty Talking Coeds 11, I knew that.

So stupid!

(speaks in Spanish)

I don't know what you're sayin' to me.

I don't speak that languge,

(chair clangs)

(laughs) Bitch!

Yeah, Carl.

Oh my God, what is going on?

That is the woman from the hospital who, um...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, she what?

I don't know her.

Who, um, who hurt Lester.

What a bitch.

She puked on my face.

[Daphne and Bambi] Oh.

You need to find another place to hide.

Well, where?

Of all the places that Bambi could think of

for us to hide.

Hey, do I have puke in my eyebrow?

No, I got all of it, I think.

Lock it.

How they doin'?

Everything okay?

Look, you know,

Bambi is really going out of her way to help us,

and, by the way, so is Daphne.

I just, you know, I just think we should

make it easy on them, not get them into any more trouble.

You cocksucker, I knew it.

You're into her, aren't you?

She's cute, but, uh, she's not even real.

First of all, Bambi Cummings

is the hottest of the hot, Carl.

She is like microwave lasagna hot.

And, secondly, she wants you.

And I don't know why, I mean, it's retarded to me.

There's a million swingin' dicks here.

She could have any one she wants.

And she's chosen you.

Bambi Cummings is real.

She's real enough to touch.

She's real enough to squeeze.

And she's real enough to put her shit on the line for us.

Okay, that's real.

Good night, Carl, I love you.

I love you too, shh....

You made me say it.

(crickets chirp)

(birds sing)

(girls giggle) (happy music)

Oh, aren't we in a good mood today?

I know, I just feel so...

I don't know, you know?

Is it

Carl?

You know about Carl?

Of course, sweetie, Daphne told me.

Doesn't he sound like a cutie.

Oh, he is.

It's just, I've never felt like this before.

I think I'm in

love.

Love?

Wow.

What does that feel like?

Oh, well, um,

at first, I can't get him out of my mind, you know?

And then I get this pit in my stomach,

and my heart is pumping really hard.

And it's hard for me to breathe,

and I get this headache, and it's just so awesome, you know?

(sighs)

Wow!

That's exactly how I felt after my first double penetration!

You know what they say?

You never forget your first.

I know! (laughs)

Oh, Bambi!

(porn music)

It's not here.

What's not?

What you're lookin' for, Carl.

Hey, DJ.

Can you, just, please tell me where the portal is

so that I can

get out of here.

How about if I give you a hint, Carl, okay?

Yeah, please.

Give me a hint.

Your way home is not through something you can touch.

But, rather, something

you can feel.

Okay?

Okay.

DJ, um, so, if you're not gonna show me how to get home.

Maybe you can give me some

actually useful information, you know?

Like, uh, Rod?

Why, why is he chasing us all over town.

Because that's his job.

Rod's a cop.

It's what cops do, they chase people around.

That's what it is, it's like, Bambi.

Bambi, Bambi's gonna be the hottest damn

sorority cheerleader there ever was.

Sexy.

I so wanna kick your ass right now.

I mean, I don't know if I could, but you're not helping me.

DIAMOND JIM: You wanna throw?

And I don't know if I have to beat it out of you.

You want me to go cobra on you?

If you must.

I'll take you down.

Show me some feelin'!

That's your adventure!

I'll choose my own adventure, alright?

Feel it, that's all I'm sayin'!

CARL: Stop. DIAMOND JIM: Bam!

CARL: Don't! DIAMOND JIM: That hurt.

Look out, land shark.

A what?

What a dick.

(girls chatting)

I am so excited about tryouts.

I'd do anything To make the squad.

Me too.

There's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do.

I just heard that they're short one judge,

and they might cancel tryouts.

GIRLS: (gasps) No!

DAPHNE: Mmm.

Now listen, sister.

You wanna play ball, or what?

Yeah! (squeals)

Hold on, cupcake.

You want the alligator,

you're gonna have to spill the beans.

No, I promised Bambi I wouldn't tell.

Okay.

Oh!

No, no, no, okay, jeez.

Okay, um, on campus, girls' locker room.

Hey, hey, hey!

Cool your jets, chippy.

I got the jump.

VOICEOVER: Go ahead, Rod.

Valley Campus, girl's locker room.

VOICEOVER: Copy that. ROD: Over.

Alright, let's chew.

(laughing)

Well, if he doesn't show up, we're gonna have to cancel.

GIRLS: Oh!

(heavy breathing)

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Car trouble.

Let's get it on!

(cheering)

("Yeah, Yeah, Yeah" by Billy Goodrum)

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* She's a beauty

* She's a queen

* Don't wake me up now

* This must be a dream

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Break it down

* Break it down now

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

By the power vested in me

as the coolest and best looking judge in the Valley,

I hereby announce this year's cheer captain

as Bambi Cummings! (cheering)

Thanks, Lester.

(gasps) There he is!

Oh, shit.

Come on, you idiot.

Open it, open it, open it, open it.

The big guys, they're comin', open it!

Uh...

Uh-oh, key broke.

Oh, God!

Oh, word.

(giggling)

Come on.

(giggling) Boobies.

I thought you were learnin' how to fix this.

Sorry, Carl, I have a plan.

His name is Busta.

Busta Nut.

Wanna be rapper turned porn star.

Directed a few low budget videos for some no-name MCs.

Hooked up with Diamond Jim and viola.

A franchise was born.

Okay, how does that help us get home?

Dude's got a whole collection of

old school video style games

in the basement downstairs, Carl.

Booth style games.

You feel me?

Yes, okay, good, good, good.

Really?

Follow my lead.

(dance music)

(party people chatter)

Back the fuck up, bitch.

What?

Summa Eve.

Hey.

You know me.

It's me, look at my.

Rumpa?

Huh?

Rumpa.

Rumpa Thumpa.

Rumper Thumper.

Check this out.

With the pop and the bang bang,

click back and the thumb up to the

you know what.

Mm, girl.

Yeah, freak it.

There, and would you like a little bit a

(makes chicken sounds)

Alright, Rump Thump, my brother.

That's right, and this is my boy, PB&J.

We call him Hot Carl, he likes when girls poop on him.

Tell her.

I like it when girls poop on me.

Very sick fuck.

But we fit in here, so, girl,

we just listen to the music,

saw the girls, thought we'd come down

and see what's crackalackin.

Do I get a plus one?

Come on in.

Thanks, girl.

I love your work.

(hip hop dance music)

Hi.

Oh.

I'm stimulated.

And discombobulated.

I'ma get all y'all pregnant tonight.

I will leave it in! (laughs)

And you know you love that, huh?

That's him right there.

That's him, look at the pimp, see him?

That's Busta. Busta Nut.

I love you 'cause you never judge me

on the fact that I was uncircumcised.

I love that about you.

You know my dick got a legwarmer on it,

you still love daddy.

(laughter)

He's a mad player to the motherfuckin' mack.

Okay, can you just stop with that?

Stop.

And where's the thing?

Oh, word, sorry, uh, yeah.

The time machine portal thing-ma-bop.

Probably gonna find that

over there in VIP down the stairs.

BOTH: Oh you. (laughs)

Oh my God, is that Carl?

And why'd he going over there?

Oh, maybe that's where his spaceship is.

Bam?

Hey, sugar.

Hi.

Wanna party?

Uh, yeah, okay, we'll party.

Um, I have to, I need my friend.

Okay, you both look great.

Bye.

Excuse me.

Bam Bam.

What's wrong?

What are these?

We're out of here.

(laughter)

SERVER: Here's your drink.

May I?

You want some?

Yeah!

Oh, it's warm!

Yeah!

That's it, man, I said,

what motherfucker, you crazy.

I stuck my plow cup right up in his porsche for sure.

Know what I'm sayin'? (laughter)

Ain't no motherfuckers spit it like my brother Rumpa.

Smoke?

Yeah!

That came out her ass too.

LESTER: Did it? BUSTA: Yup.

[Busta and Lester] Ah!

I'm smokin' crack!

(laughter)

Literally!

I, I'm...

I know one of them.

Hey!

Yo, my boy.

Bitches, suck this motherfucker's dick.

Do it!

Yo, dawg! (sighs)

BUSTA: Give him some car wash.

Yo, lizook over here, my... (record scratches)

Uh, it's cool, man.

He's a motherfuckin' turd in a punch bowl.

Little cracka ass.

But, he's my boy.

I'll just be right back, okay?

Save my spot.

Tap tap.

You better go get that motherfucker.

LESTER: Holy shit.

Well, here it is.

Alright, well.

Go ahead and get in.

You're not coming.

I love you, but, I struck the lottery here, bro.

I belong here.

If this thing works,

you can ride it back anytime you want.

And, who knows, maybe even sometimes I'll come for holidays.

Like Kwanzaa.

Alright.

Well.

Bye.

Bye.

There we go, holy shit, it works.

(booth whirs)

Alright.

(booth beeps and whirs)

What the fuck is this?

It looks like some kind of video game

where you have to use the cock to shoot all the titties.

Welp.

Looks like you're screwed.

Should we go back upstairs?

You said this was gonna work.

Make it work.

(laughs)

Sorry, you died.

(chair clangs)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(chair clangs)

(stomps thud)

Yeah, yeah, another.

One more.

Let's go!

LANCE: Freeze! (records scratches)

(guns clack)

What kinda bitch ass motherfuckers you think we are?

You think those is motherfuckin' guns?

This here is a motherfucking gun.

(laughs)

Ain't that right, my man?

What the? (teeth clatter on the floor)

You ain't no motherfuckin' Rumpa.

I...

He was...

Check that out!

You motherfuckers.

And don't come around here.

I'll beat the Grizzly Adams shit outta you.

You Andy Griffith lookin' motherfucker.

Get to dancin' again.

You're on your own!

Don't look at me, don't look at me!

So, I know that didn't go so well.

Didn't go so well?

No, check it out...

Don't give me that look, I've got the cure, Carl.

I've got our way out of here.

Two words.

Babysitter orgy.

Oh my God!

There's a house down here that I recognize from earlier.

I knew I recognized it, but...

Oh my God, I'm trapped here forever with you.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

I should've never listened to you.

You work in a liquor store.

And now, you've dragged me into your porn-fueled world.

(laughs) You're the biggest loser I know.

I deserve this, really.

So, thanks.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Well, you know what, Carl?

Boohoo.

Yeah, oh, I'm Carl!

Oh, there's too many boobies.

How could you do this to me, Lester?

How could you bring me to the greatest place on the Earth?

You know what?

What about me?

I should be gettin' laid.

Two at a time, twice a day, but no.

I gotta deal with your whinin' ass all the time.

Aw, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm the one who gets kicked in the balls

over and over and over,

and I'm laying in my own puke,

and then the thing at the hospital.

You don't say a word, but don't tell nobody.

You know what?

To hell with you.

To hell with me?

LESTER: Yes. CARL: To hell with me.

LESTER: Straight to hell. CARL: To hell with you.

Okay, no, you.

These are all for you.

Alright?

Go, get laid, enjoy, enjoy.

I will.

You're a baby, come on.

Hey.

Sheesh.

(door chimes)

Oh.

Did I order a pizza?

Gee, maybe I got the wrong house.

What kind of pizza is it?

Extra large sausage and

giant meatballs.

Mm!

Sounds yummy!

Ooh, yeah.

(hip hop music)

I'm takin' your car, pizza boy.

'Cause it's my world!

(engine revs)

(tires squeal) (horn blares)

Watch where you're...

You know what?

Fuck you. (laughs)

Nothin's ruinin' my night.

VOICEOVER: Goodnight Mrs. Bliss.

Hey, Bambi.

It's me.

What's wrong?

How could you?

Uh...

How could I what?

I thought you were different.

What are you talkin' about?

I saw you tonight.

With those girls.

With which girls?

So, now you're gonna lie to me?

Oh, no, those, no, no, no, no, I can explain.

I don't wanna hear it.

I saw what I saw and that's that.

No, baby, really, it is not what you think.

No, Carl.

You hurt me.

And I don't ever wanna see you again.

And to think I ever loved you, Carl.

(bell chimes)

(giggling)

Thank you, God.

(gasps)

Oh my God.

Did we, like, order a pizza?

You didn't?

Who cares?

I'm, like, totally starving.

But we don't have any money.

Oh my God, is there, like, any other way we could pay you?

I'm sure we can think of somethin'.

(porn music)

And I was just inside for a second.

Don't sell yourself short, studmuffin.

You were harder than Chinese math.

Thanks, sweet tits.

But, seriously, who steals a pizza car?

I'm kickin' a hunch.

Now go pin your diapers on and dangle.

Breaker, breaker.

VOICEOVER: Ooh, I'm here, Rod.

Dust out the chopper squad.

I got the buzz on the hot peep.

VOICEOVER: Ooh, Roger.

It's called

the nervous game.

Oh my God, I'm, like, so scared.

Stop. (giggles)

Seriously.

So, what you do

is you put one hand on each other.

Not yet.

Starting with each other's heads.

Then you move slowly down, pausing to ask,

"Are you nervous?"

And if the answer's no,

then you keep moving.

And the game doesn't stop

until someone says, "That makes me nervous."

But, what if nothing makes me nervous?

Then you keep going and going

and going and going. (laughs) CARL: Going and going.

Okay, let's start.

Are you nervous?

No, are you nervous?

No.

Are you nervous?

No.

Are you nervous?

No.

Are you nervous?

(door slams open)

Did you guys hear somethin'?

(angry music)

Now you're makin' me nervous.

(baton cracks) (cries out in pain)

Where is your boyfriend?

(scoffs) He's not my boyfriend.

(door chimes)

Hello.

Anybody at home?

I am the pool boy, and I have come to clean your pool.

Oh, and it's so dirty.

(gasps)

(gasps)

(growls)

(growls)

Wait, we don't even have a pool.

(laughs)

(wistful music)

(tires squeal)

Fuck this place, Carl.

(dance music)

Oh, come on, Bammers.

DJ's parties always cheer you up.

Put on a happy face.

Oh.

You did the right thing by gettin' rid of that Carl.

Oh, I don't know, I think I made a horrible mistake.

And I miss him so much it hurts.

I wonder what he's doing right now.

(engine rumbles)

Oh God, so that's it, huh?

Yup.

Well, what's the plan?

(dance music)

(laughs)

Bambi, Daphne, come over here, you sweet things.

Uh-oh, why the long puss, sweet cheeks?

She'll be fine.

She just needs to relax.

Well, you came to the right place.

Excuse me, sweetie.

Come on, now.

Sit down, tell DJ what's goin' on.

Well, there's this boy that I met.

And I treated him bad, and now I feel bad.

That's so sad.

CARL: Fuck!

(chase music)

Um, sorry.

(heads smack together)

Oh God.

LESTER: Oh great, excellent, what's this?

Oh, this one too.

Oh, that's nice.

Okay, give it up, ginks.

Or else you're both

gonna get

the Broderick.

What's that?

I don't know what that is.

Titty twister!

Do it, try it.

(moans) Sleep, sleep!

It's not working.

Oh yeah!

(punches thud)

C'mon, c'mon.

Okay.

(punch thuds)

(gasps for air)

(punches thud)

Ha, get off me, bitch.

Nope.

Okay.

Now he sleeps.

Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

Not today, Rod Jammin.

(laughs)

Get him, Carl!

(water splashes)

Oh!

What the hell is goin' on?

I am about to red light these hopheads

back to the hoosegow!

Well, just stuff it, Rod.

DJ, we just want to go home.

Yeah, I mean, we can't figure out why we're here.

And, by the way, none of us learned a damn thing.

Is that right?

So, you guys just wanna give up the journey?

Is that right?

Exactly, yeah.

Well, if that's what you really want.

That's exactly...

Well, yes, positive.

Okay, then just do as I say.

Cup your balls,

give 'em a squeeze, and say, "There's no place like home.

"There's no place like home."

(laughs)

LESTER AND CARL: There's no place like home.

LESTER AND CARL: There's no place like home.

LESTER AND CARL: There's no place like home.

(laughs) Just fuckin' with ya!

You're a dick!

I hate this guy so much.

(laughs) The booth's right up there.

Just step inside and off ya go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone.

Hold the phone.

You just gonna kick these trouble boys the skip out?

Will you shut up, Rod?

Seriously, what crime did these boys ever commit, anyway?

Well, I mean, I'm not sure, specifically.

I mean, I'll check the statutes and everything,

when I get a chance.

Yeah, why don't you do that?

Rod, why don't you check the statutes.

You are the sorriest cop on the force.

And, Rod?

You're fired. (gasps)

Excuse me?

(laughs)

Oh, what are you guys waitin' for?

C'mon.

Carl, come on, let's go.

(romantic music)

I guess you learned somethin' important here afterall.

Well, I did, DJ.

I learned what true love really is.

Oh, Jesus.

(giggles)

I love you, Carl.

I love you, baby.

(gasps)

What happened?

What did you do to my friend, Diamond Jim?

(ceiling crashes)

(groans)

Bambi?

Bambi?

So, then, I remember, it hits me, wang.

The one rule

in this land.

You can't fall in love.

DJ, that's so unfair, I love him.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

In this land, you can't have that feeling, okay?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, that's tough, sweetie.

Tough break.

Hey, listen, it's been really great gettin' to know you all.

Hey, uh, Lester?

Are you sure that you really, really wanna go?

Yeah, bro, I think I learned my lesson.

What was that?

This place is not what I expected it to be, okay?

My nuts can't take anymore.

And I don't mean in a good way.

Well, there's one more thing

that you should know before you go.

Oh yeah, Diamond Jim, what's that?

Lester.

I'm your father.

What?

That's my son!

Prince of the Valley!

And then we will get married.

Carl! (tense music)

Where the hell have you been?

It's been two days, and you know what that means?

That means it's Sunday.

And, do you know what Sunday is?

Sunday is food tasting day at the club with my parents.

What the fuck happened to your ceiling?

Uh...

You know what, no, no, no.

I don't wanna know, because right now

we're gonna go to the club,

we're gonna meet my parents,

and we're gonna have a nice time, okay?

And tomorrow you will explain everything.

Okay.

So, go get changed.

Chop chop.

No.

What did you say?

I said no.

No?

Oh.

No to what.

No to everything.

No to picking up your parents.

And no to going to the food tasting at the club.

And also no to ever explaining anything to you.

You know what?

You are gonna regret this, mister?

Oh, really?

Are you sure, are you sure I am?

Do I look like I'm gonna regret it?

Are you sure? TRACY: Yes!

Well, look closer!

Get the hell out of here, go, get.

(door slams)

DJ, isn't there anything you can do?

I mean, I know the rule, but can't you make an exception

just this once?

Bambi.

You know, you've always been my favorite.

And I would do anything in the world to make you happy.

Then please help me, please.

Come on, DJ.

Do our girl right.

(laughs)

Well, let's just see what the Deej can do.

(laughs) Alright?

(laughter)

There he is.

He's comin' out of it.

Hey, son.

How you doin'?

You're here, you're back.

You're the prince of the valley.

How you like your life?

I love you, dad.

Are you sure you still wanna go?

(laughter)

No!

No!

No!

(snaps fingers)

(gasps)

I never liked him anyway.

(laughter)

VOICEOVER: You're watching the Diamond Zone,

America's top adult network.

Up next...

What's up, buddy?

It's Lester "Double-Wide" Watts here,

comin' straight at you.

Are you ready to get it on?

What?

And now, for a sampling of some of my new super hot hits.

What do you mean you can't pay me?

I cleaned the pool.

Though.

(giggles)

Oh, okay.

Consider your pipes

plumbed.

WOMAN: Here, hold this.

Are you ready for your deposition?

Shh.

That's right, baby.

And, now, a special delivery just for you.

The hottest piece of ass this side of the Mississippi.

Mrs. Bambi Cummings.

No, no, no.

(sighs)

(electric zap)

(dog barks)

(scream)

(ceiling crashes)

Bambi?

Bambi, is that you?

Yeah, it's really me.

But, how?

When your journey ended,

it turned out mine had just begun.

Your journey?

Yes, see, Carl.

You came into my life and showed me what I was looking for.

And then DJ told me if I wanted true love

I'd have to go after it myself.

So, you gave up your...

Your life there to be with me?

Carl, I'd do anything to be with you.

Anything.

Anything.

(laughs) See, Carl?

I told you I'd always have your back.

That's right, buddy.

Since third grade dodge ball.

Lester, what are you doing?

What am I doin'?

I'm just havin' the time of my life.

Two at a time.

Twice a day. (laughs)

Looks like you have your hands full too, Carl.

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

The pleasure is all mine.

See ya at Kwanzaa, buddy.

Yeah, I'll see you at Kwanzaa.

You know, they say I'm the best of the best.

Mm-hmm.

Think you can handle me?

Definitely.

Pack of smokes, c'mon, make it snappy.

Choke on 'em, punk.

Choke.