Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

[announcer] We now return

to what we think Yellowstone is,

but we've never actually watched it,

so we're not totally sure.

God, I love being in the Old West,

or maybe present day,

it's unclear on the Paramount billboards.

Hey, other cowboys, did you get the cows put away here

in the great state of... Wyoming?

Montana, maybe?

We sure did, Yellowstone Boss Cowboy.

And I'm Kevin Costner.

Okay, that much I know.

-[man] He quit. -Then I know nothing.

Apparently, the original title for that series was

Get Back Here, Cows.

[sighs] Maybe just try watching the show.

It's really quite popular.

Guys, I've done it.

The work for which I'll be known for.

Got an extra "for" in that sentence.

Come take a look. I'm serious.

It's the best work I've ever done.

Is this that thing where you're changing words

in Harry Potter to dog stuff

until it's legally a different book?

Oh, there's plenty of adventures at Dogwarts coming up,

but this is something else.

[panting]

-It's a hole. -Right?

I-I was just, I was in the zone, man.

I-I-- It was like--

it was like I was just channeling the work.

Like-like it was just coming through me.

-Very nice, Brian. -It's a masterpiece.

A masterpiece I created with my own hands,

and no one can take it away from me.

I took it away from you.

Dude! What's your problem, man?

He's in a mood, I-I don't know,

I-I... said something mean about a show.

Anyway, good job, Brian.

Thank you for sharing this with us. [gasps]

What the hell? You buried Rupert?!

[whimpers] Are you okay? Oh, please be okay.

You bastard! What do you have to say for yourself?

¿No hablo inglés?

Got to leave lots of space. We're just getting started.

I'll say this, Rupert,

you were long overdue for a bath.

Oh, hush. Just because BuzzFeed says

Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't bathe, that doesn't make it true,

even though it 100% is.

Now what's this?

Made in China?

Rupert, you're... you're Chinese?

I had no idea.

My word, all these years,

I have been in a multicultural relationship.

Well, sometimes life takes you down a different road.

Just ask Robert Frost.

[Frost] "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

"I took the one less traveled by..."

All right, I saw the back of what I think is

my son's English teacher pushing a grocery cart

full of his possessions,

and I just can't have that interaction right now.

Mr. Frost?

Oh, hey, Mr. Thompson. Uh...

-what've you been up to? -Nothing much.

Just waiting for the district

to finish its "administrative review." [chuckles]

Not really something I can talk about.

Okay, well I'm gonna go ahead

and take the road more traveled by.

Could really use somebody to write a letter on my behalf.

I'm not really a writer.

Good morning, Brian. Or rather, ni hao.

Why are you dressed like that?

Oh, my God, that is such a Year of the Monkey

thing to ask. Right, Rupert?

Textbook Year of the Monkey, this guy.

Right? You're nine years old, right?

-Yeah. -Right, so, 2024, 2023...

Right, yup, Monkey. Monkey.

I-I can always tell because I'm Year of the Pig.

Does all this have something to do

with you finding out that Rupert was made in China?

Well, not that it should need a reason, but yes, Brian.

I want Rupert to feel

his culture is welcome and embraced here.

So, you've decided to talk and dress like an idiot?

Idiot, eh? Well, let's hear you say that

after I have a very lazy Steven Seagal-type

martial arts fight against Russian shills.

[grunting]

He is invincible.

Even better than Steven Seagal,

who unzipped his leather pants

in front of Portia di Rossi at an audition.

Hey, just because you read that in BuzzFeed article

does not make it true, even though it 100% is.

Rupert, I want you to feel that your heritage is respected here,

so I've made a few tweaks

to our favorite classic television show.

[announcer] We now return to E.R.

[Stewie] Edited for Eastern medicine.

-I need ten cc's of-- -[Stewie] Ginseng root.

And somebody set this patient up with--

[Stewie] Goldfish to nibble his toes.

We're gonna lose him if we can't get our hands on some--

[Stewie] Baby elephant bones.

-He's coding. -There's just one chance.

-We need-- -[Chris] The lady doctors to kiss.

I made some tweaks as well.

Well, I think I have gone above and beyond

in embracing Rupert's culture.

Rupert, you... you're looking out to the east.

You're still thinking about your roots.

I know, Rupert. You want to see your homeland again.

You want to find your parents.

You want to casually moped

through an asteroid field of traffic.

All right, Rupert, you win.

Tomorrow I will take you to China.

Didn't you set Rupert up at that window?

Which is facing north, by the way.

Shut up Brian. We're going to China.

[gong crashes]

Yeah, sound guy? Yeah, let's, um...

let's pace ourselves on that stuff, okay?

Wait a minute, you're taking Rupert to China

so he can meet his family?

That's right, Brian.

Rupert wants to find his mom and dad,

and he wants to eat one tiny part of a shark

and throw the rest in the garbage.

And I'm going to make that happen for him.

You can't go to China, Stewie.

-Why not? -Because you're an infant.

There's no way Peter and Lois will let you.

[scoffs] They'll never even notice I'm gone.

They're at VR Burning Man.

[laughs]

Yeah, my wife is here,

but she said I could glitter paint anyone I want.

Why, yes, I will trade my wife for some toilet paper,

man with top hat and goggles.

Okay, Stewie, there's also the fact that Rupert is,

-um... -What?

He... Look, Rupert doesn't have a family.

In China or anywhere. Rupert's just a toy.

What did you say?

Rupert is a toy.

Let me hear you say that one more time.

It was then that I realized I can't hear.

I can't hear, Dr. Scott.

And if that's true,

how do I know I'm even being heard?

How do I know if I even exist at all?

Yeah. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, would-would you mind

not folding your laundry during our session?

Hey, man, this is therapy that advertises on podcasts.

It-it costs, like, 18 bucks. You get what you get.

[announcer] At PhoneMD,

we believe therapy doesn't have to be expensive.

Or even effective.

It just has to be reportable to your spouse.

PhoneMD. Get therapy

on the thing that led to the affair.

[inhales deeply]

Look, Brian, I'm taking Rupert to China

and it's none of your business. You're not invited anyway.

What would you even do in China-- see if Olivia Munn

left a sister back in the homeland?

♪

Are you...

Yes, John Mulaney's brother, Don.

And I'm looking for the same thing you are.

[flight attendant] Ladies and gentlemen,

as we begin our descent into Beijing,

we ask that you power down your devices.

Blast! I need to hurry up and finish this episode

of Yellowstone, which we still haven't ever actually watched.

♪

You can't take our land.

We built all this nothing from nothing.

I'm sorry, but I got a paper here

signed by the governor of this Dakota.

Cowboy husband? Is everything okay?

Get back inside,

women who are way hotter than real women from this place.

Here we are. We made it.

Hey, check this out.

Everyone, the Olympics are coming!

Right? Oh, friggin' China, man.

I mean, 800 workers just died,

but still, tip your cap, you know?

Hey. Thanks for making our stuff.

Thank you.

Our country stopped making stuff,

so thank you for making the stuff

'cause we still need stuff.

I say. Back in the old stomping ground, eh, friend?

Why, you must feel like Jesus did

when he returned from the dead.

Hey, hey, look who's back. Miss me?

Jesus. Hey, hey! [laughs] This is great. This is great.

So, uh, listen, um,

I hired you to build me a table

back before all the stuff went down, right?

And, uh, well, look...

Hmm. Do you have a receipt?

Um, no. I mean... Well, you died,

so I figured there was no point in hanging on to it.

Yeah, you kind of want to always keep the receipt.

Look. There!

It's Rupert's brothers and sisters.

And there's his mother and father.

Yeah, are you sure those aren't just random workers

who happen to be on duty today?

No, they're his mom and dad, I'm certain. Look--

she has Rupert's same non-smile.

And he has Rupert's glassy, dead eyes.

All right, Brian, remember-- it's vital that I make

a good impression on these people.

So, to review?

[sighs] You're a wealthy American businessman.

-And also? -The lead singer of Coldplay.

Perfect. Now I want you to film all of this

because after we meet them, I'm going to ask their blessing

-to marry Rupert. -W-What?

You guys? There's someone here who'd like to say hello.

Okay.

Yes, it's your son, Rupert!

If they start weeping, obviously zoom way in on that.

Oh, look at you. You're clearly in shock.

And now, like every host of a cooking travel show,

I'm going to disregard cultural norms

and touch your body without your consent.

Ignoring your discomfort...

Ignoring your discomfort.

Feel free to cry. Makes for better video.

-Okay. -We have so much to talk about.

But I just want you to know we don't hold it against you--

you giving up Rupert-- even though it did

-mess him up, sexually. -Okay.

I mean, I'm sure you guys had lots of stuff going on.

I mean, obviously, the career...

Can't expect you to walk away from all this.

So, I'm Rupert's special friend, Stewie Griffin-Dockers III.

Yes, of the pants Dockers. Let's not

-make a big deal out of it. -Okay.

But I really love what you have here.

That's such a cute hole they give you for a toilet.

Brian, tell them about my toilet.

-He's wearing it. -I'm wearing my toilet. So...

Am I still supposed to be recording this?

So, listen, we, um...

we didn't really come all the way to China just to say hello.

As I said, Rupert and I are, um,

very special friends.

Truthfully, more than friends. And, um...

You know, when a baby gets to be a certain age,

he starts thinking about his future. And, um,

who he wants to share that future with. And, um...

-[Brian] Still rolling. -I know.

It's just, if this video goes too long,

I won't be able to text it to you.

You can friggin' AirDrop it!

Also, someone's using the toilet hole

in the background of your shot.

Okay, you know what, let's not do this here.

We clearly have a ton to talk about,

so perhaps dinner is in order?

Maybe we drop by around 6:00?

-Okay. -Great, but you have to promise me

no special treatment just because

I'm a casual slacks billionaire.

♪

Who are those Americans poking around

our industrial facility and filming?

-Are they spies? -I don't know.

I'm not seeing any matches on the facial recognition software.

[sighs] Or on Tinder.

Yeah, what do you expect?

We're a country of a billion guys and eight girls.

[announcer] China: Whoops!

Maybe we threw away too many girls.

Count it.

[knocking]

-Aah! -Hello, hello, hello.

[sniffs] Mmm, something smells delicious

and with the eyeballs still on it. I brought wine.

Wow, that's a very expensive bottle,

lead singer from Coldplay,

which I forgot to mention earlier.

[laughs] No, it's nothing.

Now, before we do anything else, I just have to know--

which one of you two hogs the blankets?

Who does Rupert get that from?

Uh, look at Pop-Pop's face. Busted!

I think we found our blanket hog.

Okay.

Well, we're here because, um, I...

I have something important to ask you.

Okay.

So, Rupert and I, um... [exhales]

Could-could I maybe have some tea first?

Tea?

Ugh, I'm such a klutz. [chuckles]

Someone hands me a china cup, I look away, right?

Down with china. [chuckles] You know? Down with china.

-[buzzer sounds] -At this point,

I am basically an enemy of china, right?

Anyway, I'm here, um, to ask you a question.

It's a very, very important...

Actually, you know what? Two questions.

You remember that old Calgon commercial?

"Ancient Chinese secret," right?

What exactly is the ancient Chinese secret?

-[buzzer sounds] -I'll pay you anything

if you'll tell me the ancient Chinese secret.

[buzzer sounding]

Stewie, are you gonna do this or not?

Yes, yes, Brian, fine.

So... [sighs] What I really came here

to ask you is this.

Will you please give Rupert and me your blessing to--

-[grunts] -You're under arrest.

The charge is espionage against China.

I didn't do espionage.

And aggravated sodomy against a stuffed animal.

I didn't do espionage.

Twenty years in a labor camp

for spying on China. What a mess.

"Hire Sidney Powell," he said.

It's the only place she's still licensed.

Break's over. Get back to work

making solar panels for American liberals.

Didn't realize all our solar panels

are made by Chinese political prisoners.

Yes. White liberals have a lot to answer for.

[chuckles] Well, I'd say conservatives do as well,

especially in a post Roe v. Wade world.

Oh my gosh, I finally get to see this little guy.

[gasps] He's adorable.

He looks just like your rapist.

I think he looks like both of us.

He's a cutie. He's gonna be a little lady killer.

Well, we'll see. I don't want to put any pressure on him.

This is outrageous. I'm not a spy

and I'm not doing your prison labor.

Let me guess-- Year of the Monkey?

Yep. Bingo.

Okay, monkey, if you won't do this labor,

we will give you and your friend hard labor.

[classical music playing on TV]

The hard labor is watching the movie Tár?

And answer questions about the film.

"Why should the viewer care about this protagonist?

What are we hoping she accomplishes?"

"What is the ultimate message of the movie Tár?"

"Why is there an accent mark over the A in Tár,

despite the fact that it is a one-syllable word,

and therefore contains no other syllables to de-accentuate?"

Oh, no, now it's getting really tough.

"What does a conductor actually do?

"Why couldn't the best musicians in the world,

"who are trained at Juilliard,

"play music without some maniac

"waving a stick in front of them?

"Why are people who hold and wave sticks so tormented?

"How do you think Tár chose her stick?

Please explain in essay form."

Well, at least this is the only movie

we have to watch about a conductor.

And after lunch, you'll be watching Maestro.

You monster!

[cackles]

I can't take much more of this, Brian.

We have to break out of here.

And I think I have an idea.

I don't know, an escape attempt could be dangerous.

Maybe we just wait for Peter and Lois to come get us out.

That'll be quite a wait.

Right now, they're at virtual Dave & Busters.

[gasps] Peter, let's order another plate

of warm mozzarella sticks on brown lettuce.

Sounds good, Lois. You do that while I go stare

at women's butt cracks on the motorcycle games.

Hi. I like how your drink is very blue.

Hey, is it true that Dave shot Buster then shot himself?

All right, Brian, here's the plan.

Each of these panels is coated

with a highly-polarized carbon glass,

but if we can reverse the glass, it'd form a concave mirror.

And indeed, these components are modular.

So, if we target the fence with those mirrors

reflecting the sun's rays--

we'll need a total of 1,400 centigrade, give or take--

-it should compromise the structural integrity-- -Come on.

[panting]

My plan had science in it,

but fine, let's do it the dirty dog way. [grunts]

[camp watchman over loudspeaker] Escape in progress.

Escape in progress.

-[phone chimes] -Es... cape... uh...

[laughs]

Escape in progress.

[alarm blaring]

Aah!

-Where do we go? -Over here!

Through the village of Chinese stereotypes.

There's still some we haven't done?

That way-- through the obligatory

Chinese New Year parade.

No, over there, where that old man with a wispy beard

-sells mythical creatures. -No time!

Let's just hide behind those terracotta soldiers.

Whoops.

-Hey! -The hell, man?

Should we settle up? I'll settle up.

-Oh, boy. -Yeah, whenever you accidentally domino stuff over,

there's always a biker gang that's mad about it.

[all shouting]

Quick. Down this alley!

[all shouting]

[fanfare playing]

[gong crashes]

-Aah! -Aah!

Oh, no!

There's no way out. We're trapped!

You've only made things worse.

You should know by now

there's only one way out of a Chinese prison.

[gulps] Death?

No. Rat out someone else.

[gong crashes]

There he is-- famous pro-Tibet activist, Richard Gere!

What? [laughs] I-I mean,

thank you, I'm flattered, but... what?

Sorry, Chris. When you download TikTok,

one of the terms and conditions is that

the Chinese government can just arrest you whenever.

[dance music playing]

[TikTok Jessie voice] Does TikTok app

really let China police kidnap you or...

Probably not, but maybe, LOL?

We have had quite the Chinese adventure, Stewie.

And I think I might just have my next screenplay idea.

He's not gonna write [bleep].

Well, my friend, we both have crummy in-laws.

My parents throw you in the dryer.

Yours put us in a labor camp.

But if there's one thing I do know:

no matter where we're from or where we are

or who does or doesn't give us their blessing,

my home is where you are

and your home is where I am.

And now I also know where your blanket hog thing comes from.

I-- No, Rupert, I didn't know that "blanket hog"

is a Taiwanese slur for the mainland Chinese.

How would I know that?

But I didn't know that it's racist, so how could I--

I already apologized, by implication.

[sighs] Fine. I'm sorry you were needlessly offended

by my innocent use of an obscure regional racism.

So, that's why I cheated on Rupert with my octopus.

Yeah, that-that seems fine.

I-I don't really care.

Hey-hey, do you have another credit card?

'Cause the one I have on file isn't working.

[announcer] PhoneMD: Make sure

your method of payment is current.

So, Peter, Lois, did you miss us while we were gone?

Oh, we didn't even notice.

We were busy watching Yellowstone,

which is set in present-day Montana

with periodic flashbacks to the 1990s.

[announcer] We finally looked it up on Wikipedia.

Thanks for going to China with me, Brian.

You bet. I just feel bad we had to hand over Chris

-to get out of there. -Oh, I'm sure by now

they've figured out he's not really Richard Gere.

So, in Pretty Woman, when I snap that necklace box

on Julia's fingers and she laughs?

That was total improv.

Julia didn't know I was gonna do that.

Wow. So what's Julia Roberts like in real life?

Is she just supercool and down-to-earth?

No, she is not.

Mr. Gere, what's your middle name?

Meh, you know...

I don't think that middle names are all that important.

I understand it's Tiffany?

It is Tiffany.

[gong crashes]

That's called range.