Original subtitles

- Look up there ♪ - What do you see? ♪

Nature and stuff ♪

- Like a rock ♪ - And a tree ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

Catch some fish ♪

Or gaze at a bear ♪

Wow ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

Here we live, oh, oh ♪

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

BEEF: How was everyone's day at school?

JUDY: Amazing.

Mr. Golovkin wore a novelty T-shirt

that looked like a doctor's lab coat.

- Oh, that's fun. - (laughs): Oh,

it was clinically fun.

Uh, paging Dr. Golovkin.

We have a fatal fart attack

- in the Earth Sciences room. - (Judy laughs)

(Judy and Ham gasp)

- Dad, pull over. Now. - What's happening?

Ham, did you get your penis caught

in the seat belt clip again?

KIDS: Splash Crevasse.

A new indoor water park in our beloved Alaska

through the miracle of indoor slide technology?

Dad, if we don't go,

I'm suing for emancipation from this family.

You know I have a lawyer. Olivia Objections.

No need to call Olivia Objections just yet.

A trip to a new indoor water park sounds fun.

I can't see why we couldn't go this weekend.

Nope. We can't go.

Beef, control your son, man.

I'm not trying to be a Leonardo DiCrap-On-Your-Planzio,

but water parks are bad news.

Babe, I thought you'd be all over an indoor water park.

And I understand why you would think that.

I'm very fun-loving,

I got a nominally above-average bod,

and my eyes naturally have a kind of a gross glaze on them,

which means I never have to wear goggles.

But indoor water parks get a big thumbs-down

- from this clown. - Oh, Wolf.

- Are you still upset about... - Yes, Father.

I am still upset about a terrible curse

that hangs over me like the gray fog of death,

haunting my days and taunting my nights.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Wait, what does the fog of death

- have to do with the new water park? - JUDY: Well,

we used to have one in Lone Moose.

It's called Winter World now,

but it used to be known as Waterworld

based on the movie Waterworld until Kevin Costner

filed a very devastating lawsuit against it.

Amazing movie, even more amazing lawsuit.

Basically, one summer,

every time Wolf went to Waterworld,

he lost his swim trunks.

And turned Waterworld into Wienerworld.

Smell you later, nerd-a-gators.

Oh, no!

My trunks!

Oh, no! My tr...

Oh, n... O... B...

Oh, no. My trunks.

Yeah, I was just a teen Wolf

when I realized that water parks are cursed.

How is it we've never talked about how you get to say,

"I was a teen Wolf"? Babe, that rules.

I know, yeah. It fully rips.

Wolf, how can Splash Crevasse be cursed?

It's brand-new.

I believe all water parks are cursed.

I also lost my trunks that time we stayed at the hotel

with the waterslide in Ketchikan when we went looking for Mom.

Oh, yeah. We found her behind that Wendy's.

Sleeping like a baby,

just absolutely covered in Baconator wrappers.

Well, I'm sorry, Wolf, but I'm going.

I saw on the news that Jason Patric

was gonna be there signing autographs,

and I'm gonna bring a script from Speed 2

and see if he'll read a scene with me.

Okay, that's fine. You guys go.

- Me and Dad will hang out here and... - Son, you know

I don't enjoy leisure,

but I do very much enjoy seeing my family happy.

Well, fine. Then I'm gonna have fun, too.

But I'm not paying good American money

to embarrass myself at some trunk-sucking hellhole.

I'm going swimming at, uh, nature's water park,

Lone Moose Beach.

Lone Moose Beach is just a ten-square-foot patch of rocks

next to the oil refinery.

Isn't that where they found the seal with the human nose?

No. And I'm gonna have more fun

at Lone Moose Beach than you could ever have

at Splash Crev-sucks.

Well, I'd better go get ready. Big day tomorrow.

But actually, step one of me getting ready

is gonna be to sit back down and finish my dinner,

because I'm gonna be swimming so much tomorrow.

Hoo!

BEEF: Splash Crevasse, here we come.

Are you guys sure you don't want to eat some breakfast

before we get on the road?

And waste precious time

that could be spent splashing and crevassing?

Hello. Yes, can you connect me with my lawyer,

Olivia Objections?

Moon, you cannot threaten to have your imaginary lawyer

sue me every time I say anything.

And just to revisit it,

asking you to empty the dishwasher is not a felony.

Don't worry, Dad. They have two separate snack bars.

Remember? It was on the evening news.

I was surprised they dedicated the entire hour

to covering the water park, but I have to say,

it was very informative.

- Oh, great. Wolf's coming. - Wolf is not coming.

Wolf is going. To Lone Moose Beach.

Like he said. Which will be way more fun.

And where no one will see my wiener. Ow!

I'm fine. It's just a pebble got in my flip-flop.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Houston, we have a beach.

Now, who needs Splash Crevasse

when I've got nature's Splash Crev-this.

Selfie time.

Okay, I'll just crop those garbage bags out.

And, uh, send to family group text.

(exhales) Nippy today.

But once the sun peeks out from those clouds,

I'm sure it'll be nice and toasty.

(shivers)

Ooh, snack time, baby. (chuckles)

Oh, wai... Aah.

Got the whole day ahead of me.

Sick.

ALL: Wow.

Okay, what does everyone want to do first?

Call me Wave Pool-ier,

because I'm about to go, uh, in the wave pool.

I'm a lazy river lad, myself.

And I'm hitting the DeathSlide. I heard it's so scary

that most people pee their swimsuits,

which adds more liquid, which means you go even faster.

(chuckles): Wonderful. And I guess

I will just sit at a picnic table.

- I love sitting. - HONEYBEE: They're gone.

They didn't even hear you finish saying the word "wonderful."

- Wonderful. - Look, Beef. They have

a mermaid show. Want to check that out later?

(chuckles): No, thank you.

Like any sailor, I know the dangers

of being lured in by the siren's song.

Why don't I just go with you

to meet this, uh... celebrity fisherman?

Jason Patric is an actor.

That is fine.

Maybe Dad was right

and we should have had breakfast.

- I'm really hungry. - Ugh, same.

My mind says "lazy river,"

but my tummy says "food me-giver."

Not me. I've been sentenced to the DeathSlide,

and my last meal is speed.

So, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mm, that we turn into miserable monsters

when we're hungry, so we should get nachos,

but that it doesn't make sense for both of us to go,

so we should play Bread, Cheese, Toothpick

- to see who goes to get the food? - Exactly.

- Bread. Cheese. Toothpick. - Bread. Cheese. Toothpick.

(laughs) Toothpick spears cheese.

- Ugh, fine. - Get a good look.

The next time you see me, I'll be so relaxed

from my trip on the lazy river, you probably won't recognize me.

I'll be all like, "Ah. Yeah."

Oh, it's only been seven minutes?

Okay, skip this jazz. I'm going home.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

When did this town get so many friggin' pebbles?

Oh, look, my favorite shortcut.

I used to take this bad boy home from Cheesecake's house

all the time in high school.

Now this is a waterslide, baby!

(whooping, shouts)

Oh. When did they add this grate?

Houston, we have a dang it!

No, no, no, no. This is bad.

You're trapped at the bottom of a drainpipe,

and there's a grate blocking your way through

that definitely did not used to be there.

Uh, maybe there's a latch somewhere?

(grunts) Teenage mutant ninja turds!

If there is, I can't reach it.

Help, anybody! Even Londra.

Okay, Wolf, think-- WWHBD.

What would Honeybee do? Oh, of course!

I'll climb out. Great idea, Honeybee.

Simple, but elegant.

(grunts) Oh, boy.

That is more slippery than a watermelon

wearing Aveeno. Uh, hmm.

Oh! Okay, well, if I just

gnaw my own arm off like that one guy

in that one movie where he gnaws his own arm off,

I might be skinny enough to squeeze between these bars.

(grunting)

(sighs) Oh, my God! This is taking forever.

And I don't even have any arm sauce.

This is worse than the time that I got stuck

inside the claw machine at Duck Duck Golf.

And worse than the time that I got stuck

in the claw machine at Tippy Toppy Taqueria.

Here's your large nachos.

But we're out of cheese.

What? Why would you sell me nachos

if you knew you were out of cheese?

Uh, because we weren't out of nachos, just out of cheese.

- (groans) - There should be some

in the dispensers at the north side snack bar.

JUDY: Uh...

do you have a plastic bag or something I could put these in?

I don't want them to get wet.

Did you say something?

I said thank you for everything.

This is absolutely perfect.

Excuse me, do you know

how long the wait is from here?

If you have to ask, you don't have what it takes.

Okay, but do you know?

Yeah, two hours. It says it on that sign over there.

Why didn't you just point to the sign?

I'm just going through a lot.

My grandparents are getting divorced.

They were together for 50 years.

Grandma thinks she's gonna do better than Grandpa?

Good luck, Mona.

Two hours, huh?

Oh. Whoops.

Sorry. My bad. (chuckles)

Oh, sorry, were you here first?

Okay, yeah, no problem.

Maybe I'll just... Yeah, no, enjoy.

(laughs) I'm happy to wait.

Have fun.

Oh, no, you go.

All right, will you help me practice my lines?

I want to be off book when we get

to the front and meet JP.

(singer vocalizing over P.A.)

WOMAN (over P.A.): Seating for the mermaid show

is now open.

-(vocalizing) - Oh, no, the mermaids.

They call me. I must go.

Nay, I mustn't.

Are you okay?

Oh, how those dampen damsels

lure me to my ruin.

Tie me to that cement pillar, like Ulysses

had his sailors tie him to the mast of their ship

as they approached the sirens.

- What? - Do you have any wax with which

to plug your ears lest you be ensorcelled?

No, I don't have any ear wax.

And where am I gonna to get rope to tie you to that big-ass pole?

You know I always bring a large coil

of rope wherever I go in case I suddenly

find myself in need of a large coil of rope.

Right, mm-hmm, okay.

Hi, would you watch my spot?

I just have to tie my father-in-law

to that cement pole over there so that he doesn't

accidentally see the mermaid show like they did in Ulysses.

Sure.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.

(gasps) Dad? Guys? Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

You were right, Lone Moose Beach was

a huge mistake. You guys want

to form a human chain and come get me?

- Guys? - (hissing)

Dad, why are you hissing like that? Wait.

Hey. You're not my family.

You're marmots.

(sighs) You guys want to form

a marmot chain and come get me?

Okay, Judy, you've studied this water maze long enough.

If you want these chips cheesy, it just ain't gonna be easy.

My God, I just sounded cool.

(laughs) Okay, just pretend the chips

are your first major art installation,

and it's a fragile oeuvre of tremendous purity,

and the water park is the coffee shop, of course,

that has agreed to hang your work on its walls

for nine days. That's over a week, Judy.

Over a week. Let's go!

Stay away from my fragile oeuvre.

This Lucite basketball

rejects your value system.

Ham, you should've seen me.

(groans) Forget it, keep your tubes.

I didn't even want to have a really fun time

- in the lazy river anyway. - (gasps)

Ham, no! Why'd you knock those out of my hands?

Why'd you sneak up behind me?

Well, I'm glad the nachos at least

got a chance to ride the lazy river.

JUDY: Oh, great, and that guy

- is enjoying one. - (sighs)

Sorry I snapped. I'm just so hungry.

And this lazy river was a lazy failure.

I'll go get us some more nachos, okay?

- Make it up to you? - I'd like to see you try.

Sorry. I meant that, I would really like to see you try.

Because I'm very hungry and very cranky.

Maybe I'll go over to the wave pool

and let the gentle lapping of the water calm me down.

Or maybe I'll just kill someone!

(laughing): We'll see what happens today.

Get it together, Wolf.

You are not gonna bite the friggin' big one

in this frang-dang drainpipe.

Okay, think. WWDD-- what would Dad do?

Well that's easy. He would just B-A-T-C-O-R.

Bring a thick coil of rope.

(sighs) I don't have one,

but maybe I can make one.

(grunts)

(whooping)

Oh, way to go, Dad.

Hey. Uh-uh. Get off of my rope, marmot.

Just gonna shake him off.

Oh, god, I don't want to get a marmot bite.

I'm too young to die of marmot rabies-- aah!

(grunts) Houston, we have a broken rope.

And a very sore bottom as well, Houston.

Dang it! Now the marmots have my shirt.

You're not allowed to wear that, stupid marmots!

Take this. (grunting)

Okay, Wolf, you've tried everything

Honeybee and Dad would do.

You're on your own.

No helpie but your selfie.

(gasps) Selfie.

Houston, we have an idea.

I can use my phone camera to look

for the latch on the gate again.

Oh, God, Houston, we only have one percent battery.

Got to start charging my phone at night, Houston.

Aha! There is a latch.

Now if I can just get the selfie stick

underneath the...

Houston, we have a bingo.

Bye, marmots. Sorry I called you guys cusses.

I was just hecka stressed.

Okay, family, here I co--

Ow. Ow. Freakin' pebbles.

Okay, big guy, here's your nachos.

But, I got to warn you, champ,

they're really just dry tortilla chips

because we ran out of cheese.

Fun nicknames. Like "big guy."

Love "champ." But-- wait.

You're also out of cheese?

Yeah, but don't worry.

I think they just got some more cheese

back at the south side snack bar, boss.

Okay, thank you, Santa Claus.

Sorry, I'm not as good as you at nicknames.

Oh, hell no.

I'm okay. (gasping)

I actually love thi--

What a wonderful... time I'm having. (gasps)

(groans) The hell with this.

What are you doing? Are you nuts?

Are you nuts?

I'll be in ninth grade by the time

I get to the front of this line.

But everyone's peeing in the water out of fear.

Which only makes it faster.

- Hey, how was the wave pool? - Bad. It was bad.

Somebody either kicked me or bit me in the head.

And when I got out, I had a swim diaper on my foot.

Wait, are those the nachos?

Why are they dry, Ham?

Oh, man, why are they dry?!

Well, about that...

Why not just plop a large cup of sand in front of me,

- you nasty freak! - This place sucks.

Maybe Wolf was right about that curse.

Oh, Wolf was definitely right.

They should call this place Splashed Cursed-vasse.

And I know that's not good wordplay. I know it.

Uh, are you just eating dry tortilla chips?

They're out of nacho cheese.

Apparently they might have some at the south side snack bar.

Oh, goo-- I want to burn this place to the ground so bad,

but it would just be logistically very hard

to set a water park on fire. (groans)

So now we have to carry these dry chips

across the entire water park

without getting them wet again?

"Again"? (scoffs)

You should've come to me in the first place.

This is obviously a job best suited

for my particular skill set.

Your particular skill set?

Judy, please, just let me work.

Aah, it's happening! Beep, beep!

I'm pulling off for Jason Patric station.

- Bye, Beef. Stay strong. - (mermaid show music playing)

(grunts) Have fun.

And don't worry about me.

I'm fine. I shall resist those temptresses.

I've got to get to Splash Crevasse.

My family needs me.

Oh, why, oh, why won't anyone pick me up?

I'm an absolute sweetie.

Cheese retrieved and returning to home base.

Out of my way! Number one nacho boy coming through!

Hey. Careful. I'm loaded down with precious cargo here.

What's going on?

The teen who guards the top of the DeathSlide

making sure everyone waits the two minutes between sliders

to go down has fallen asleep.

It's The Purge, but for going down the waterslide

- as much as you want. - Yes.

All right, boys, it's time to fly.

Oh, no. It's happening.

A siren approaches.

I must dance with these mermaids.

Enchantresses, I have received your invitation.

I am RSVPing yes.

(screaming)

Come on, come on.

Yes, I got one! Sick.

Thank you so much, I was starting to worry

that nobody was ever gonna stop for me.

I mean, I know I look a little rough around the edges,

and you're probably thinking, "Check, please."

But, trust me, you just won the hitchhiker lottery.

Hi, I'm Wolf.

Name's Neckbone.

Oh. Wow. Beautiful name.

- You want some of this coffee? - Oh, no thank you.

I had three Mountain Dew Code Reds at the beach.

And two regular Mountain Dews and a chocolate milk.

Well, what brings you to the side of the highway, Wolf?

Long story short, Neckbone, I was so worried

my swim trunks were gonna fall off,

because of how all water parks are cursed,

that I got trapped in a sewer

and tried to chew my own arm off.

But I didn't have any arm sauce,

so now I got to get to Splash Crevasse

to find my family, who are not marmots.

- Tale as old as time. - So what do you haul?

I'll give ya a clue. My legal name's Neckbone,

but my road handle is Skull Digger.

Both beautiful. Let me guess-- you haul...

uh... necklaces. No, no, no, no!

Uh, Christmas-themed necklaces.

Heh, close. Skeletons.

You know those ones they have in science classes

and what have you? Well, I pick 'em up

when they still got all the gunk on 'em.

Now, when you say "gunk,"

do you mean flesh and human tissue?

Yeah, the "gunk." I take 'em up to my buddy

whose got some acid vats and we, you know,

we kind of clean 'em up, you know,

so the kids can learn.

Oh, wow. Houston,

we have a ride and a great new friend.

So you didn't go to the water park with your family

because of a curse?

Well, I mean, if your swim trunks fell off

every time you went to the water park,

what would you call that, if not a curse?

Oh, that's a curse for sure.

Big time. And I would know.

I was cursed for a few years. It seemed, like,

you know, my house would burn down every time

I left a candle burning indoors

when I went out of town for the weekend.

Well, that seems a little different.

Well, h-how do you figure?

Well, that just seems like you faced a consequence--

your house burning down-- for a bad choice you made--

leaving a candle burning indoors

when you went out of town for the weekend.

That's not a curse.

Hey, hey, that's a new way of looking at it, now go on.

I mean, if my swim trunks kept falling off

as a direct consequence of a bad choice I made,

we'd be having a very different

conversa... tion.

Don't go head first, your trunks will slide off.

Smell ya later, nerd-a-gators.

New Kids on the Crap! My trunks!

Hey, get out of there. We're doing surf night,

and the waves are turned way up.

- It'll rip your suit clean off. - Relax.

I know what I'm doing. (grunts)

Oh, no! My trunks!

Cool shirt.

Does it say "Pants Me, I Dare You"?

Yeah. Oh, no.

- (laughter) - My trunks.

Aw, man, water parks aren't cursed.

I'm just a ding-dang dumb-dumb,

who's constantly ignoring fair warnings,

jumping into things headfirst,

and making bad T-shirt choices. (gasps)

Even today, when I got stuck in the drainpipe

under the road, I remember there was some kind of sign

that said "warning" on it-- a literal warning sign--

and I ignored it. (sighs)

I should probably change my name to Goof Tobin.

It's only two letters different, so hopefully

- it won't be very expensive. - Hey.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Wolfie.

Do you know how many skeletons my buddy and I had

to just throw in the lake because we couldn't get

the last bit of gunk off 'em?

But eventually we figured out we got to mix a little bit

of sulfuric acid in with the hydrofluoric acid.

And we haven't thrown a skeleton in the lake in years.

Because we learned from our mistakes.

Thanks, Neckbone. That's very inspirational.

I know. Now, let's get you to your family, okay?

Here he come!

Flush me to hell!

(shouting)

(whooping)

- Ah... - JUDY: Hello, Moon.

Oh. Hey, guys.

Do tell, did you manage to use your particular skill set

to find any cheese for the nachos?

Yes.

Well, you better call your make-believe lawyer,

Olivia Objections, and tell her to meet you

at the fantasy courthouse, because I'm about

to get real litigious.

(groans) Come on, let's go find Dad and Honeybee

and tear out of this wet fart.

Honeybee, we have to go. Where's Dad?

Your father is lashed to a cement pole,

but we can't leave before I meet--

Who the hell is that idiot?

You're not Jason Patric.

No, sorry. I'm Greg Dorp.

I'm just sitting here to let people know that Jason Patric

had to cancel. He got a job in Atlanta,

filming a Nescafé commercial,

exclusively for the Greek Islands market.

Why didn't you make an announcement to everyone?

Why are you telling people one on one?

I'm also a grief counselor.

This is just how I do things.

Wolf was right-- this place is cursed.

Now let's get your dad and get the hell out of here.

MOON: Uh-oh.

(gasps) Where did he go?

(groans) Follow me.

♪ She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes... ♪

The show is... not good.

They just keep singing "Comin' Round the Mountain,"

and the one in the back keeps arguing

with someone on her cell phone.

And still, I would give them my boat,

and my life, if they asked.

- Nope, time to go, Dad. - No!

No. Leave me here.

Let me crash upon these shores.

WOLF: Thanks for the ride, Neckbone.

And thank you for helping me to realize

it's my own bad choices that are always getting me into trouble.

I let my fear of a dumb curse keep me

from a day of fun with my family.

And that was the real curse.

Well, good luck out there, Wolf.

For a bunch of gunk on a skeleton,

you're a pretty nice guy.

ALL: Wolf?!

Family! Boy, am I happy to see you guys.

Babe, are you okay? What happened to you?

It's a long story.

And we can't wait to hear all about it on the ride home,

but let's get out of here.

You were right, Wolf, this place is cursed.

No, but that's the thing, I realized today

the water park isn't cursed at all.

The reason everyone kept seeing my wiener

is because of my own poor choices,

not dumb luck or fate, or a curse, or--

Oh. Oh, no!

- (all gasp) - Oh, no!

My trunks.

I never thought I'd say this,

but windows down and middle fingers up.

And I mean everybody.

Aye-aye, Houston.

MERMAIDS: She'll be ♪

Comin' round the mountain ♪

When she comes. ♪

(gasps) I hear you, my enchantresses.

I am on my way.

ANNOUNCER: Grounded? Privileges revoked?

Have you been sent to your room without dessert?

If this has happened to you, then call...

Olivia Objections. ♪

Olivia Objections got me an extra 20 minutes

- of screen time per day. - Olivia Objections. ♪

Olivia Objections got me two treats in every lunch box

and a king-size Snickers

at the end of the semester if my history grade improves.

- Olivia Objections. ♪ - ANNOUNCER: Steal your mom's phone

out of her purse and text "Objections" to any number now.

Olivia Objections got me $3.8 million.

- Olivia Objections. ♪ - ANNOUNCER: Olivia Objections

does not exist and is not a real lawyer. Please consult

your doctor if you believe you have retained Olivia Objections.

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.