Original subtitles

MR. MOSEBY! MR. MOSEBY! MR. MOSEBY! MR. MOSEBY!

IT'S A HIDEOUS MONSTER!

AND IT'S COMING THIS WAY!

BOYS, I CAN ASSURE YOU THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MONSTERS.

OH, YEAH? LOOK!

I'M BACK.

AAH! AAH!

QUICK, GET BEHIND ME, BOYS!

DON'T LOOK HER IN THE MOLE.

I MEAN THE EYES.

MR. MOSEBY.

MISS SHIKELGRUBERMIGER.

ACTUALLY, SINCE YOU HAD ME FIRED

FROM THE TIPTON ORGANIZATION,

I'VE GOTTEN MARRIED.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO. MY MARRIED NAME IS ILSA SHIKELGRUBERMIGER-

VON HELSING DER KEPPERLUGERHOFER.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

THAT MUST TAKE FOREVER TO WRITE ON YOUR UNDERWEAR.

I HAVE A STAMP.

BUT THAT'S NOT MY ONLY HAPPY NEWS.

I HAVE BECOME THE MANAGER

OF THE ST. MARK HOTEL ACROSS THE STREET.

OH, NO. OH, YES!

AND I WILL NOT REST UNTIL THE TIPTON IS A PARKING LOT

AND YOU ARE PARKING THE CARS.

GRRRRRR.

MR. MOSEBY, THAT WAS AWESOME.

YOU WEREN'T SCARED AT ALL.

MR. MOSEBY?

♪ HERE I AM IN YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ HERE YOU ARE IN MINE ♪

♪ YES, WE HAVE A SUITE LIFE ♪

♪ MOST OF THE TIME ♪

♪ YOU AND ME GOT THE WORLD TO SEE ♪

♪ SO COME ON DOWN ♪

♪ JUST ME AND YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪

♪ SO COME ON DOWN ♪

♪ IT'S YOU AND ME AND ME AND YOU ♪

♪ WE GOT THE WHOLE PLACE TO OURSELVES ♪

♪ YOU AND ME, WE GOT IT ALL FOR FREE ♪

♪ SO COME ON DOWN ♪

♪ THIS IS THE SUITE LIFE ♪

♪ WE'VE GOT A SUITE LIFE ♪

HEY, MADDIE, WOULD YOU TRY SOME OF MY COOKIES?

SURE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

CAREFUL. IF YOU TELL HIM THERE ARE TOO MANY WALNUTS,

HE'LL LOCK HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM AND CRY.

CODY, THESE ARE AMAZING.

YOU KNOW, GIRLS LIKE GUYS WHO CAN COOK.

I HELPED!

MMM, THESE ARE FANTASTIC.

HOW MUCH ARE THEY?

THEY'RE FREE. FOR $5.00.

I'LL TAKE THE WHOLE BASKET.

ALL RIGHT!

CODY'S COOKIES ARE GOING TO MAKE ME RICH.

AHEM.

DID I SAY "ME"?

I MEANT US.

AH. WELL, I SEE OUR DENTAL CONVENTIONEERS

APPRECIATE THE SUGARLESS GUM.

WELL, 4 OUT OF 5 OF THEM DO. HA.

OH!

THAT'S FUNNY.

OH! HEY!

WOULD YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING?

I-I'M SO SORRY.

NO, NO, IT WAS MY FAULT.

FORGIVE ME FOR STARING, BUT YOUR TEETH...

THEY'RE LIKE PERFECT LITTLE PEARLS.

OH, THANKS.

YOU'RE KINDA CUTE YOURSELF...FOR A DENTIST.

I WISH.

MY DREAM IS TO ATTEND THE ZURICH DENTAL INSTITUTE

AND MAKE THE WORLD SAFE FROM CHRONIC PERIODONTITIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID,

BUT IT SOUNDS SO...MEDICAL.

MOSEBY.

YEAH, I JUST WANTED TO SEE

IF THE JAPANESE AMBASSADOR HAD CHECKED IN YET.

OH, WAIT. HE COULDN'T HAVE

BECAUSE HE'S STAYING AT THE ST. MARK.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

HE ALWAYS STAYS HERE AT THE TIPTON.

OH, IT SEEMS HE HEARD YOU WERE HAVING A PROBLEM

WITH COCKALOCKERS.

THAT'S GERMAN FOR COCKROACHES!

WELL, HE MUST HAVE HEARD THAT LIE FROM

THE HEAD COCKALOCKER HERSELF!

IT'S ILSA!

YOU KNOW HER?

YEAH. SHE RUNS MY DAD'S HOTEL

ACROSS THE STREET.

IF HE FINDS OUT I'M HERE,

I'LL BE IN BIG TROUBLE.

YOU'RE TODD ST. MARK?

I'M LONDON TIPTON.

MY DAD HATES YOUR DAD.

MY DAD HATES YOUR DAD.

WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!

Ilsa: TODD!

OOH, GOOD HIDING PLACE.

IT WAS SO HARD TO SEE YOU

BEHIND THE 4-FOOT CUPIE DOLL!

YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER DOESN'T APPROVE

OF YOUR DENTAL DREAM

OR THIS TIPTON.

IT IS VERBOTEN.

COME WITH ME. MACH SCHNELL! BUT...

DUT, DUT, DUT!

LEFT, LEFT... DON'T LOOK BACK!

LEFT, LEFT, LEFT...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU TWO ARE SELLING UNAUTHORIZED COOKIES

IN MY HOTEL?

NOPE. NO TRUTH WHATSOEVER.

MM-HMM.

THEN WHY IS THE KITCHEN A MESS?

UH, MOM'S A SLOB.

I'M A WHAT? JOB.

YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB FOR A SINGLE MOM.

I MEAN, LOOK AT US. WE'RE ADORABLE.

YOU TWO ARE ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN

FROM SELLING UNAUTHORIZED COOKIES IN MY LOBBY!

HOPPIN' HIPPOS, THESE THINGS ARE FANTASTIC!

CRANBERRIES?

WITH A PINCH OF NUTMEG.

GENIUS.

YOU KNOW, MR. MOSEBY,

YOU COULD SERVE CODY'S COOKIES

AT THE BEACON HILL BALL.

YOU KNOW HOW THOSE SOCIETY TYPES

LIKE DESIGNER COOKIES.

I'LL TAKE 500. DONE.

NOT DONE. I'M COOKIED OUT!

ZACK, YOUR BROTHER'S TIRED.

THANKS, MOM.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT ANOTHER STOVE.

WHAT ABOUT THE ONE IN THE HOTEL KITCHEN?

YOU MEAN THE SAMURAI 5000...

WITH STAINLESS STEEL CONVECTION OVENS

AND COMPUTERIZED TEMPERATURE CONTROLS?!

NOT TO MENTION OUR TUNGSTEN COOLING RACKS.

HONEY, YOU NEED TO REST.

STAY OUT OF THIS, MOM.

[DIALING, BEEPING]

OH!

[GASPS]

HA HA HA HA!

YOU WERE DOING SO WELL, RIGHT UP TO THE WALL.

UM, I'VE BEEN TEXT MESSAGING WITH TODD

FOR THE PAST 24 HOURS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OVER TO THE ST. MARK?

I'D NEVER MAKE IT PAST ILSA. [SIGHS]

THERE'S NOWHERE WE CAN MEET

WHERE OUR FATHERS WON'T FIND OUT.

[SIGHS]

THIS IS SO ROMANTIC.

OH! WHAT YOU TWO NEED IS A SECRET ROMANTIC HIDEAWAY.

THE LAUNDRY ROOM?

THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF ROMANTIC?

NO WONDER YOU DON'T GET DATES.

HEY, IT WAS EITHER THIS OR THE MEN'S ROOM

ON THE THIRD FLOOR.

I LOVE IT!

LONDON...

OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE STILL HERE.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT I COULDN'T GET AWAY

FROM ILSA'S WATCH DOG BLITZKRIEG.

IS HE A GERMAN SHEPHERD? DOBERMAN?

DACHSHUND!

NASTY LITTLE THING.

I'D FIGHT MY WAY THROUGH 100 WEINER DOGS TO SEE YOU.

OH...MY HERO.

MADDIE, THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR SETTING THIS UP FOR US.

AND IN RETURN, WHEN I BECOME A DENTIST,

I'LL FIX THAT OVERBITE.

SOME PEOPLE THINK IT'S...CUTE.

I'VE ENJOYED OUR CYBER CONVERSATIONS,

BUT IT IS SO NICE TO ACTUALLY BE WITH YOU.

I KNOW. NOW WHEN YOU TELL ME A JOKE,

INSTEAD OF TYPING "LOL," I CAN ACTUALLY LOL.

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

[SIGHS]

I LOVE YOUR LOL.

I LOVE FINALLY BEING ALONE WITH YOU.

ANY MACHINES FREE?

I HAVE TO DO MY DELICATES.

MOSEBY!

WHERE IS HE?

I KNOW HE'S HERE.

HE WHO?

YOU KNOW HE WHO.

NO. WHO HE? MY WHO HE!

HUH? OH, STOP WITH YOUR SILLY WORD GAMES!

TODD, HE SNUCK OUT.

OH, YOU'VE LOST TODD.

WHICH, BY THE WAY ISN'T THE ONLY THING

THAT YOU'VE LOST.

IT TURNS OUT THAT THE BEACON HILL MASQUERADE BALL

WILL NOW BE HELD AT THE TIPTON.

NONSENSE.

THAT BALL'S BEEN HELD AT THE ST. MARKS FOR OVER 30 YEARS.

NOT ANYMORE.

WE SCHTOLE IT FROM YOU!

HEE HEE HEE.

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ UNH, UNH, UNH ♪

OH, MR. MOSEBY, DANCE WHILE YOU CAN.

I DON'T THINK MR. TIPTON WILL BE VERY HAPPY

WHEN HE FINDS OUT HIS PRECIOUS DAUGHTER

IS DATING TODD ST. MARK!

[GASPS] THEY'VE BEEN IN CONSTANT COMMUNICATION.

WHERE ARE THEY?

I ASSURE YOU I HAVE NO IDEA.

OH, MADDIE...

HAVE YOU SEEN LONDON AND TODD?

NOPE, HAVEN'T SEEN 'EM.

NOT AT ALL. NARY A SIGHTING. SEE YA.

CANDY GIRL, WE HAVE WAYS

OF MAKING YOU TALK.

THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY.

[HIGH VOICE] HERE, BLITZKRIEG.

OK, OK, THEY'RE ON... THE ROOF!

I CAN'T SAY I APPROVE OF YOUR METHODS,

BUT THEY ARE EFFECTIVE.

ENOUGH OF THE YAK YAK. TO THE ROOF!

LEFT, LEFT... DON'T LOOK BACK.

LEFT, LEFT...

MY DOCTOR SAYS I SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE

AND YOUNGER MEN.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING?

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

I PICTURED THIS MOMENT...

DIFFERENTLY.

BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YES, TODD?

LONDON, I...

ILSA'S HERE! GOTTA GO.

NICE BOY, BUT HE DOESN'T SAY MUCH.

HE WAS ABOUT TO.

TODD! LONDON!

LONDON! TODD!

MADDIE.

PER YOUR FATHER'S ORDERS,

I AM LOCKING YOU IN YOUR ROOM,

TAKING AWAY ALL YOUR COMMUNICATION DEVICES,

AND YOUR GIANT PLASTIC TOOTH!

NO, NOT TOMMY TOOTH!

YEAH. AND FRIEDA FLOSS. LET'S GO.

LONDON!

LONDON. LONDON, LOOK,

IF I ALLOWED YOU TO SEE THIS ST. MARK BOY,

YOUR FATHER WOULD HAVE MY HEAD,

NOT TO MENTION MY JOB.

LOOK, I DON'T CARE.

TODD!

Todd: [SHOUTING] LONDON!

[BLITZKRIEG BARKING]

London: STOP, BLITZKRIEG! STOP!

OH! THAT'S NOT A DOG!

IT'S A PIRANHA!

I CAN'T BELIEVE DADDY HAD MOSEBY

CONFINE ME TO MY ROOM.

DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL SEE TODD AGAIN SOMEDAY.

[SIGHS]

OF COURSE, HE'LL BE A DENTIST,

SO YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.

THIS IS THE MOST TRAGICAL THING

THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT SHAKESPEARE SAID.

"THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE

NEVER DID RUN SMOOTH."

HUH?

LOVE STINKS.

OH, I KNOW.

THIS IS JUST SO UNFAIR.

I ALWAYS GET EVERYTHING I WANT.

SO YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED

FOR CHRISTMAS? MM-HMM.

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

AND HANUKAH.

YOU CAN'T GET GIFTS ON HANUKAH.

YOU'RE NOT JEWISH.

AND MISS OUT ON 8 DAYS OF PRESENTS?

NOT THIS SHIKSA.

I JUST MISS TODD SO MUCH.

Todd: [SHOUTING IN DISTANCE] LONDON!

I MEAN, SOMETIMES,

IT'S LIKE I CAN HEAR HIS VOICE.

IT'S TODD WITH A BULLHORN.

[GASPS]

Todd: BUT SOFT,

WHAT LIGHT THROUGH YONDER WINDOW BREAKS?

IT IS THE EAST,

AND LONDON IS THE SUN.

OH, HE'S QUOTING SHAKESPEARE!

I THOUGHT SHAKESPEARE WAS YOUR FRIEND.

HE'S A WRITER.

ROMEO AND JULIET?

IN A POETIC WAY,

TODD'S SAYING THAT HE LOVES YOU.

OOH! OOH! OK,

TELL ME HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU, TOO," IN SHAKESPEARE TALK.

AHEM.

MY BOUNTY IS AS BOUNDLESS AS A SEA,

MY LOVE AS DEEP.

GOT IT.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, SWEET CHEEKS!

NICE REWRITE.

WHAT?

HE CAN'T HEAR ME, AND I CAN'T LEAVE MY ROOM.

MADDIE, WILL YOU GO TELL HIM?

SURE. WAIT.

I WANT TO GIVE HIM SOMETHING.

WHAT'S ROMANTICAL?

A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR.

PERFECT!

TODD, LONDON SAYS SHE LOVES YOU

AND WANTS YOU TO HAVE THIS.

THIS ISN'T ALL OF IT, IS IT? NO.

THEN I SHALL TREASURE IT ALWAYS.

GIVE HER THIS,

AND TELL HER THAT IT IS BUT A TOKEN OF MY LOVE FOR HER.

GOTCHA.

TODD SAYS IT'S THE TOKEN OF HIS LOVE.

OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.

HERE, GIVE HIM THIS.

AND TELL HIM "DITTO."

UNH--OH!

OK.

LONDON SAYS "BACK AT YA."

I HAVE TO GIVE HER SOMETHING BETTER.

YEAH, CAN YOU KEEP IT UNDER 80 POUNDS?

A KISS.

OK, BUT I'M NOT PASSING IT ON.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME.

WAIT, I GOT IT.

TOMORROW NIGHT IS THE BEACON HILL MASQUERADE BALL.

GET A COSTUME AND A MASK, SNEAK OVER,

AND I'LL HAVE LONDON MEET YOU THERE.

THAT'S PERFECT.

[BLITZKRIEG BARKING] UH-OH!

IT'S BLITZKRIEG!

Ilsa: [LOUDLY] BLITZKRIEG, WHY ARE YOU BARKING?

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOINK]

ECCH! THAT IS DISGUSTING!

THERE IS A HAIR IN THE PUNCH BOWL.

YEAH, THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AT THE ST. MARK.

ENJOY.

OH, I THOUGHT I SMELLED A RAT,

BUT IT TURNS OUT IT WAS A MOLE.

WHAT MOLE?

DO YOU OWN A MIRROR?

COME ON, THEY'VE ALREADY RUN OUT OF COOKIES AT THE BALL.

BOY, THOSE SKINNY RICH PEOPLE

CAN REALLY CHOW DOWN.

LET'S GO! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

YOU KNOW, I USED TO LIKE THIS

WHEN I DID IT FOR LOVE.

NOW I'M DOING IT FOR MONEY, AND...

I FEEL DIRTY.

WIPE YOUR FILTH OFF WITH THIS 20,

AND GET BACK TO WORK.

WELL, I DON'T SEE YOU WORKING.

WHY DON'T YOU HELP OUT AND SEPARATE SOME EGGS FOR ME.

DONE. COOKING IS EASY.

I'LL WHIP US UP A BATCH.

SO TODD REALLY WANTED TO KISS ME?

NO, HE WANTED TO KISS THE PLANT.

WHY DID HE WANT TO KISS THE PLANT?

HE DOESN'T. HE WANTS TO KISS YOU.

SO TODD REALLY WANTED TO KISS ME?

IT'S A SPECIAL NIGHT.

DON'T MAKE ME SLAP YOU.

SO, WHICH ONE IS TODD?

THE ONE IN THE MASK.

OH, THAT NARROWS IT DOWN.

OK, HERE'S MY FIRST BATCH.

[CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK]

YOU BAKED A HOCKEY PUCK.

YOU COULD BREAK A TOOTH ON ONE OF THESE.

SO WHAT? THERE ARE 200 DENTISTS IN THE LOBBY.

YEAH, BUT WHEN PEOPLE EAT A CODYS COOKIE,

THEY EXPECT IT TO MELT IN THEIR MOUTH,

NOT BREAK THEIR BICUSPIDS.

[WHISPERING] Todd?

You in there?

SORRY. PICKED THE WRONG NOSE.

[EMBARRASSED GIGGLE]

NOT HIM.

I DON'T NEED ANY MORE OF YOUR HELP!

JUST KEEP OUT OF MY WAY,

AND STAY OVER THERE.

DID YOU JUST FLICK FLOUR IN MY FACE?

MAYBE I DID,

MAYBE I DIDN'T.

WELL, MAYBE I FLICKED SOME BACK...

AND MAYBE I DIDN'T.

WELL, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T,

BECAUSE IF YOU DID,

I WOULD'VE DONE THIS!

AND THAT'S HOW YOU SEPARATE AN EGG!

WELL, THIS IS HOW YOU SEPARATE A PIE...

FROM ITS PAN.

COME BACK HERE AND TAKE THIS BANANA CREAM PIE

LIKE A MAN!

HE WOULDN'T.

HE WOULD!

I LOVE THE TWINS.

THIS PIE THROWING WILL STOP THIS INSTANT!

MR. MOSEBY?

MM.

RIGHT AFTER THIS.

OOPS.

[STOMP] OW!

OOOOOH.

AHHHHH! AAH!

ZACK! CODY!

OH, WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?!

WHOA!

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.

YEAH, OF COURSE--OH!

NOW, THAT I DIDN'T SEE COMING.

[GENERAL SHOUTS, GASPS]

WE'LL NEVER FIND TODD IN HERE.

AND WE'LL NEVER HAVE OUR FIRST KISS.

EWW! GET OFF OF ME, PIE FACE!

IT'S ME! TODD.

OH, TODD.

OH, YOU DID COME.

OF COURSE I DID.

I NEEDED TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU...

AND DO THIS.

I GUESS SOME PEOPLE DO GET EVERYTHING THEY WANT.

HAPPY HANUKAH, LONDON.

[SHOUTING, LAUGHING]

HOW DARE YOU SNEAK OUT TO SEE THIS TIPTON!

YOU FATHER IS ON THE PHONE,

AND HE WISHES TO SPEAK TO YOU.

YAH.

SO I GUESS YOU'RE GONNA LOCK ME UP

IN MY ROOM NOW, HUH?

I'M SURE THAT'S WHAT YOUR FATHER WOULD WANT.

GOOD. IF I CAN'T SEE TODD,

I MIGHT AS WELL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN MY ROOM.

YOU REALLY LIKE THIS BOY, DON'T YOU?

I WOULD LOVE HIM EVEN IF HE WERE POOR.

REALLY?

YEAH.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

IF YOU WANT TO SEE TODD,

IT'S NOT UP TO ME TO STOP YOU.

BUT WON'T YOU GET IN TROUBLE

WITH MY FATHER?

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE,

YOU HAVE TO THINK OF THEM BEFORE YOURSELF.

THANKS, MOSEBY.

THAT WAS SO SWEET.

IT MAKES ME WANT TO... PUKE!

YEAH, OK, DAD.

BYE.

BAD NEWS?

WELL, MY DAD SAID I COULD GO

TO DENTAL SCHOOL IN ZURICH.

THAT'S GREAT.

NO, IT MEANS I'LL BE AWAY FROM YOU.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY HE SAID IT.

HE'D RATHER HAVE ME SCRAPING TEETH

THAN BE WITH A TIPTON.

OH...I SEE.

SO, I TURNED HIM DOWN.

YOU DID?

BUT IT'S YOUR DREAM.

WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE POOR PEOPLE

WITH PTEREODACTYLITIS?

I'D RATHER HAVE YOU.

OH, TODD!

OH, THAT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL THING

ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.

AND I WON'T LET YOU DO IT.

WHAT ABOUT US?

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE...

YOU HAVE TO THINK OF THEM BEFORE YOURSELF.

[SIGHS]

IT'LL ONLY TAKE ME 8 YEARS TO BECOME A DENTIST.

THEN I CAN SEE YOU?

CAN WE MAKE IT A MORNING APPOINTMENT?

ABSOLUTELY.

THAT WAS REALLY WONDERFUL, LONDON.

MADDIE...

THAT ROMEO AND JULIET BOOK HAS A HAPPY ENDING, RIGHT?

YEAH.

CODY, DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU BROTHER?

I'M SORRY I FLICKED FLOUR IN YOUR FACE.

ZACK?

I'M SORRY YOU'RE MY BROTHER.

ZACK!

I'M SORRY I WORKED YOU LIKE A PACK MULE.

I WAS JUST THINKING OF THE MONEY.

LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY.

BAGLOADS OF MONEY!

ZACK!

SORRY.

IT'S OK THAT YOU WANTED TO MAKE MONEY

OFF MY COOKIES,

BUT I JUST NEED TIME TO MAKE THEM JUST RIGHT.

AND 75% OF THE PROFITS.

40. 50!

DONE. [BOTH SPIT]

OK, BUT I GET 10% OF BOTH YOUR CUTS.

DONE.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT.