Original subtitles

[Helicopter noise]

-I think it was my first girlfriend that fucked me up.

I was 14 and in love for the first time.

In a daze for months, I never felt anything like it.

Then the bitch cheated on me and I never felt anything like that.

[sex noise]

-I did what any other 14-year-old would do,

built an emotional vault around myself and became a writer.

[music]

-Tomorrow's my 30th.

30th birthday.

Tonight is my birthday party, a bash the guys are throwing me,

have been planning it for months.

I guess it's a big thing because I'm the last in the group to hit

the big three-oh.

[music]

-My best friend, Sean, came up a few days early

to visit and get a jump on celebrating my birthday before the bash.

Sean and I were inseparable growing up, but I don't see him much anymore now

that he scored some high-profile job in the city.

Anyway, I rent a room in a place that everyone calls the Suburban Palace.

It's been a legendary party house since high school.

When I first moved in,

it seemed like the best choice I could have made

as a single male in his late 20s.

At first.

Then I guess maybe it just got old.

[music]

-To you and your baby, we dedicate this film.

-I live at The Palace with two of my oldest buddies.

-Now, labor, as it is called, is the work your body does [?].

-The guys are more like family to me than anything else.

We grew up together since childhood.

[music]

-Then there's the owner of The Palace,

who illegally crossed the border when he was seven,

losing both his parents to a rare CARP disease six days later.

He survived by dangerously peddling sacks of oranges to white tourists stopped

at busy intersections in some coastal border town.

He never learned to speak English.

As for me, I'm comfortable calling myself a writer,

but I'm really just unemployed and have no interest in getting a job.

I even graduated from college,

I think.

Still, most of the time, I'm not quite sure

how I ended up here,

or even worse, what happened in the last 15 years.

It's more like a haze of booze and smoke.

You think about your father when he was 30.

He was a man,

a family man, a career man, he even had hair on his chest.

It seems like nowadays 30-year-olds run around like acne-faced teenagers

drinking beer and trying to lay anything that falls in front of them.

-What's up?

-Who's the floozy?

-I thought you knew her.

She's still sleeping on your couch.

-That's pretty much my life from the outside in.

I guess all that's left now is to figure out what I'm supposed to do now

that I'm 30 and still living in suburbia.

Oh,

I'm Connie, by the way.

Conrad Stevens if you didn't catch it.

Pleased to meet you.

I guess you'll be accompanying me to my 30th birthday party.

[car noises]

[music]

-We should get going.

-Pac-Man.

-Really?

[music]

-Here we go.

[music]

-Hey, did I hear something about a stripper?

-I got a surprise for you.

-She's game for the birthday boy.

-What?

-Come on, man.

When's the last time you did anything this crazy?

More importantly, when's the last time you had anything this young

because I had some [crosstalk].

-It see on the verge of 30, your mind starts playing tricks on you.

Though you feel like you have the maturity level of a 14-year-old,

there's this nagging awareness that you're getting real old,

and opportunities like this are going to become far

and few between. -Come on,

I'm not going to get you anything else.

You think I'm going get you a fucking car?

-What do you do?

You say fuck it. Live it like it doesn't last.

-That's my boy.

-Do I remind you of anyone?

-Do I know you? -No,

but do I remind you of anyone?

-Are you supposed to?

-You went to high school with my mom.

-[coughs]

What?

-Yes, Molly Fastler, that's my mom.

She was a senior when you were a freshman and she said you were the cutest thing.

-Does Sean know this?

-Don't you remember her?

-Yes, I remember her.

It's hard to miss her after she was five months pregnant.

-My mom is going to die when I tell her. -Okay, all right.

Okay, great. Hey, listen.

Look, I'll be right back.

I'm going to go shank myself in the neck with a sharp object,

okay?

[music]

-How the fuck was I supposed to know?

-It's just fucked up, man.

-The fucked up thing is I think I bagged her mom as well.

-[coughs] Oh my God.

You are sick in the head.

There's something fucking wrong with you.

So wrong.

-Whatever happened between you and Leila?

I thought you guys were serious.

-We broke up last year.

I think we weren't happy

and I was scared of missing out on life if I stay committed,

-For a man who's been divorced twice,

believe me, I know that one well.

What can I say?

I'm maliciously addicted to instant gratification.

-I don't know.

It just seems like every serious relationship I'm in,

it's the same thing.

I'm just waiting for her to fuck it up, so what do I do?

I go and fuck it up first.

-Why would you do that?

-My first girlfriend. -Cadison Miller?

-I was the perfect boyfriend.

I did everything I could to make her happy and she turns around and cheats on me-

-You were 14, Connie. --so I said, "Fuck it.

If they're going to fuck you over anyway, why not beat them to the punch?"

-Maybe you just don't want to grow up.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to grow up.

Look around, we're a generation of men who can barely commit to next week,

let alone a whole other human being.

-Yes, but do you really want to wake up 45 one day

still reading Maxim Magazine and chasing skirts around a club?

-No, I don't,

but I'm not about to settle and get a job at the mill because I'm scared

to be alone.

Already did that twice.

-Anus lupus familiaris Dingo, known to us simply as the Dingo.

Is he an intelligent,

charming,

and socially mannered mammal

charged with an unlikely reputation of a baby snatcher

or is he truly a threat to our ecological society?

-Wake the fuck up.

-Go suck a dick.

-Oh, I would if I could.

-Danny.

Danny was my other best friend.

Everyone looked up to him since we were kids.

He was our starting varsity quarterback for our high school

since his freshman year.

The Golden Arm, they called him.

He was our homecoming king.

He rallied our football team to a state championship

and he came out of the closet in college.

He was on a full football scholarship.

Things went bad, he ended up dropping out.

[music]

-For you.

-Thanks, man. You didn't have to do that.

-I know.

-Wow,

that's awesome, man.

Thanks.

-You deserve it, Connie.

-Fag.

-Did you forget your present again, Sean?

-Hey, I bought a case of beer-

-Oh.

--and had an 11-year-old ready to knock boots with him.

-Really?

-Right there on that couch.

-Not only did we go to high school with the girl's mother,

but he just fucked her a few hours earlier.

-Still a good gift, though.

Just not as nicely wrapped as Danielle's over there,

mwah.

-We went to school with her mother.

-Molly Fassler.

-I mean, what the fuck?

-Danny. Danny.

[laughter]

-Look at you, beautiful.

-Where have you been?

No cough. I'm so mad at you.

-I am a bastard, I'm sorry.

-Why aren't you this happy when I show up?

-Uh, "Hey Frankie, want to fuck?"

Ring a bell?

-Sounds about right.

-Let me fix you breakfast.

-All right.

-Hey,

what about us?

-I could fix you a nice hot cup of shut the fuck up.

-Fucked that party., this is my food.

-Guess you can't beat a washed-up queer quarterback.

-How many eggs do you want?

-Let's say three.

-Ooh.

-Frankie's the woman of the house.

She made her rounds and slept with everyone who lives here and so on.

Then there was no one left to sleep with and she just became

a permanent fixture.

Never left.

[music]

-Fuck off.

-You couldn't help feel nothing but love for Frankie no matter what she did

or how womanly psychotic she could be.

Her mother had kicked her out of the house when she was just a kid,

so one day she just adopted us as her new family.

[music]

-I had another best friend, William, who committed suicide

a handful of years back.

Never really dealt with death before except as a kid

with old people I didn't really know.

We'll miss you tonight, buddy.

[music]

-When do you take off?

-Two weeks.

-The big NYC, huh?

-Yes, I got to go give it a shot.

Been living here my whole life.

Finish school up there.

Kind of start over.

-I want to start over.

-What about you, Connie?

You going to spend the rest of your life here at The Palace living it up,

getting drunk every night?

-What can I say?

I'm not into long walks on the beach,

cuddling up on rainy nights or romantic weekends.

-What about your writing?

-Ooh, I think I'm better off just pretending to be a writer.

-Yes, that'll really get you somewhere.

-[chuckles]

Maybe I don't want to go anywhere.

-That's fine,

but I'm 32 years old and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life living here

in suburbia.

-What's the matter with suburbia?

It's just a place where people live.

-Suburbia is giving up on living life.

You can try and cover it up with new cars and nice furniture and manicured lawns.

The truth of the matter is, man, suburbia is a state of mind.

Like right now, you're hanging in the back of your truck,

drinking beers with your buddies,

just relaxing, having a good time, but deep down inside,

you feel guilty.

You're sitting there thinking,

"Wow, Jesus,

I'm 30 years old now.

I got to go get my shit together."

-Yes, sounds about right.

-That's bullshit.

Days like this are

one of the only things we have left from this place.

We didn't have a chance to give up on living life here.

We feel guilty because we never even started living life

here.

[music]

-What you got going?

-[chuckles]

Ritalin, the breakfast of champions.

-The fat ass is still passed out?

[music]

-Where's my burrito?

[music]

-You know what I want to know?

What happened to all the communal care?

You know, the sense of America we were sold on as kids.

-Cattle, my friend.

Cattle.

The politicians just feed off us.

Do you know I pay over $4,500 a month in taxes?

-You got to go be fucking shitting me.

That's what happens when you're a hardworking,

responsible American.

Good morning.

[music]

-Oh, nice, towel me.

Hey, thanks.

-I also forgot to mention squatters and couch crashers.

These are the people that never leave the party.

In fact, they are the party.

This here is Marty "The Party".

He doesn't seem to have a job, but rumor has it he's

a full-time gigolo, so he keeps us supplied

with a fresh slew of women, we keep him supplied with toiletries,

food, et cetera.

-Hey, Connie, do you mind getting a different brand next time?

This stuff gives me a rash.

-Sure.

What's been going on, Marty?

-Oh, I just got back from Vegas.

-Yes?

-I went to one of the most amazing motivational seminars there.

I really think it's going to help me accomplish my goal.

I've already written down my OAS.

Obstacles to overcome, available resources.

To follow it up, support groups.

Connie, I'm getting older.

I really feel that it's time for me to focus on my goal.

-That's great, Marty.

You got to go follow those dreams.

-You should look at getting a goal, too.

-Marty's lifelong goal is to have a threesome.

-Or a foursome.

-Whichever works.

[music]

-We live in a hostile world.

It can be a real cruel place sometimes.

-Yes, my guess is that no one gives a shit anymore

about how the other person's feeling, you know?

Always on an ego trip, forgetting to pack their heart.

[music]

-Yes, Mom, I'm fine.

Yes.

Hold on a sec.

Hey, is that my shirt?

-[Spanish language]

-The thing about Lib is you'd always catch him wearing

your clothes,

no matter if it was an old pair of shoe pants or a karate gi.

He somehow find a way to work into his wardrobe.

Hey, Mom, yes.

Okay. I love you too.

Yes, tell Dad the same.

Okay.

All right. Yes, I'm fine, Mom.

Thanks.

All right, I'll visit soon, I promise.

Okay, bye.

My parents,

good people,

kind of messed me up in the head a little bit,

though, because my dad was a strict Catholic and my mom

was into witchcraft.

Weird mix, but they gave me enough love to balance it out,

I think.

-Do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?

-Shoot.

-Do you think if I ask Danny, he might--

-He might.

-He might take me to New York with him?

-[chuckles]

What are you going to do in New York?

-I don't know, leave all this behind.

-Yes, but how are you going to live, eat.

He's not going to support you like we do.

-I could get a job.

-Doing what?

-I don't know, Connie, something.

-Look,

I met you when you were 18, right?

You're what, all about 22 now? -Yes.

-Why don't you go back to school, get your high school diploma,

and then go to college or something?

You're just a kid, Frankie.

-Yes, but you know if I stay here, that'll never happen.

-Jesus Christ, Frankie, you got to go try.

-Look at you, you went to college and you don't do dick.

-At least I don't leech off four guys using my pussy as collateral.

Fuck.

Frankie.

Frankie.

[background noise]

[music]

-There's a nasty little trick you play on people when you get older.

The illusion that you have everything figured out.

Especially when it comes to other people's problem,

but every once in a while, somebody will call you out on it.

They'll see through the smoke

and mirrors and find that feeble person you try

and hide so well.

What's up, man? -What's up, man?

-Where the fuck you been? -What's up, man?

-It's good to see you, man.

-Hey, we going to serve it up right tonight.

-That's right. What's up, Marty?

-How you doing, bro?

-Our little baby boy is all about a man now.

-Oh, I guess.

-Hey, Connie.

-Yes?

-Connie, you got a birthday present at the door.

Oh, here, happy birthday to you.

-Thanks, RDA.

-What happened here, man?

Give, give, give.

-Dude's crazy.

-Every time is something.

[music]

-Now I'm caught in a lie.

I said I didn't remember the last 15 years in that sloppy haze of booze and smoke,

but now I'm faced with reality.

I did spend five years of my life in a domesticated relationship

with a girl named Bailey.

We were pretty much a married couple and a happy one at that.

I even gave up my life of debauchery for a white picket fence,

lazy boy chair, video rentals, and taco night.

Hey, Leila.

-Hey, Connie. -How you doing?

-I'm good. Good.

-Good? -How are you?

-Pretty good, yes.

Just, what's going--

-I'm not starting anything.

-No, no, no, not at all. -Okay.

The Palace is home.

-Yes.

Yes.

After I moved out of our place,

I needed something familiar, and The Palace is definitely familiar.

[background noise]

-You know what?

I just wanted to stop by and wish you a happy birthday.

-Hey,

come on.

It's just the guys.

-Happy birthday, Connie.

-Thank you.

Hey, listen, the fellas are throwing me a party tonight.

You should come.

-I can't.

-Plans with Andrew?

Come on, it's The Palace.

You'll know a ton of people here.

-I don't know.

Maybe.

I should go.

-Yes. Hey, thanks for stopping by.

-Bye, Connie.

[door opens, shuts]

-Dammit, why are you always creeping up on me?

-You okay? -Yes.

Yes. She just-- I haven't seen her in a year.

-Do you want to talk about it?

-No, I'm--

-Good because I got to do the thing.

-Fine.

No,

I hate the thing. -I need to do it today.

-Not the fucking thing. -I need to do it today.

We're going to be too hungover tomorrow, then I've got to go back to the city.

Last time I promise, then no more thing.

[music]

[phone rings] -Hello?

-Hey, Tina. It's me, Sean.

-Where have you been, Sean?

I haven't seen or heard from you in two weeks.

-I've just been really busy with work and I've been feeling really down lately.

-You're feeling down?

-Yes.

I've just been thinking a lot about my mother and how much I miss her.

-I'm sorry to hear that, Sean, but you still could have at least called.

-I know.

I'm sorry. -Don't we have something good here?

You were always telling me how much you really liked me.

-I really do like you, Tina, but--

-Are you trying to break up with me, Sean?

-Tina, I'm just trying to--

-You mean I wasted all this time buying into your bullshit?

-The truth is, you actually really remind me

of my mother, and it's completely freaking me out.

-What?

-What I'm trying to say is I'm hurting inside and life

sometimes throws things at you that are out of your reach

and you have to make a decision to go at it alone so you won't hurt

anyone else and I don't want to hurt you,

Tina.

I'm doing this because I do care about you.

I don't want to be selfish.

I have to go deep inside

and find the hurt.

Find the pain of my mother and it would be wrong of me

to bring you down with me because I need your support

because I need your love, but I can come back strong.

Try and win you back when I'm all better, when you can see the real me.

-Oh, Sean, that was beautiful.

It was so touching that all I can say is fuck you,

you fucking superficial asshole.

You know what?

Fuck you too, Connie. I can sniff out that shitty,

sensitive bullshit writing a mile away.

-Thanks, Tina.

-Fuck off.

-What the fuck was that?

Now I can't even get the goodbye breakup sex,

and what the fuck was all that about my mother?

[music]

[cock crows]

-Hey, Lib, are those burgers ready?

-[Spanish language]

[background noise]

[car honks]

-Now I have to deal with Martha Horvitz, the publisher who's been on my ass

for six months.

[music]

-Martha the machine.

-Connie the cunt. -Thank you.

Wow, a cock ring.

-Where the fuck is my book?

-I just have a couple more pages.

-You said that six months ago, Connie.

Now, quit dicking me around.

You kept hounding and bugging me until I gave you a chance and I think

this latest ink has potential,

so don't fuck it up. -I won't.

I promise. I just need like--

-Two weeks.

-Two weeks. -I'm not kidding.

-Two weeks? -No book in two weeks, I'm gone.

-Here.

-Are we going to see some pussy or what?

Park this for me, would you, dear?

[background conversation]

[applause] -Hey.

Yes.

All right. There he is. -[claps]

Good evening lady,

gentlemen. [applause]

-Lamar. -Hello.

How are you?

-I welcome you all to Luscious Lips Land.

[applause]

-Where tonight

our very own little Connie Stevens will become a man.

What kind of man, you may ask?

-What kind of man?

-The kind of man that will look back at himself with a smile that says--

-The problem with 30-year-old single males is they have too much money to burn

unless, of course,

you're a writer,

but for most, it's nothing but the latest and greatest:

toys, electronics, kegger raiders.

[background conversation]

-$80 bottles of wine flowing like ripple

and most important,

you can't just have one stripper.

-It's my pleasure to introduce to you-

-You always need two.

--the Savage Sisters.

[music]

-Fuck.

[knocks door]

-[laughs]

You don't have to do this.

-Baby, you have not to worry, okay?

Just relax.

-Seriously, you don't have to do this.

-Honey, you know you're making this a whole lot harder than it has to be.

Your friend, Chad, he covered the whole thing.

-[laughs]

They won't know the difference. -Shh.

I'm not going to hurt you, I promise.

-We can just sit here for three to five minutes,

you know what I mean?

They know that's all I'm good for and no one will know the difference.

-What?

Now, you're just going to save a poor, little stripper from her big,

bad life.

-No, no, I'm just trying to-- -What?

-I'm just trying-- -You're trying to what?

Look, I do what I do because I want to.

Actually, the worst part of my job is listening to condescending

pricks like you.

If you don't want to have sex with me,

it's fine, really.

Just don't try to be all heroic about it, okay?

You ain't doing shit for me.

[music] [background conversation]

-You tried to be the nice guy again.

Well done.

[music]

[door opens]

-What do you want?

-I'm sorry.

-Yes, that was pretty fucked up.

-Yes, it's fucked up.

Hey, listen, you should go to New York.

-Really?

-Frankie, you're better than all this.

With everything you've gone through,

you'll be good anywhere.

-Happy birthday.

-Thanks.

[footsteps]

-Let's skip out for a few.

-Yes.

[music]

[background noise]

-Set, go.

[background noise]

-Drop that beer.

-Go. -One second.

-Timeout.

-[laughs]

[music]

-15 years later, I still find myself coming back here.

-In two weeks, you cut the umbilical cord.

-Ever since we talked to Tina,

I've been thinking about my mother.

-You didn't do the thing, did you?

-You did the thing?

-Do you really think that the girls I go out with remind me

of my mother?

-That's what we've been trying to tell you all these years.

-I'm using women to get back at my mother.

-That's one way of looking at it.

-Do you ever think to try to talk to her,

work it out?

-It's been over 11 years.

-It took me a long time to talk to my old man.

Probably would have been a lot easier on him too if I'd been

a sissy my whole life.

-What do I say to her?

-You tell her the truth.

It's all you can do.

-I could write it down for you if you want.

-Maybe someday.

-It can't hurt.

-It can't hurt

and what do we have here?

[cheering]

-Wow.

[cheering]

-Hey, are you guys coming to the game?

-We can dance.

-Are you Danny Pepper, thee Danny Pepper?

-In the flesh. -Hey,

I play quarterback.

-What's your name?

-I'm Todd Allen.

-Hi. -This is Cindy.

-I'm Cindy. -That's is Mindy.

-Cindy and Mindy?

-This guy was the only quarterback that took our high school

to its state championship.

-Hey, he has. -Yes, what about that year's defense?

Lamar here was a corner, Connie and I were safety.

-You broke every record there was.

-Wait, you guys went to this high school.

-A couple of years ago.

-We go to this high school.

-Danny Pepper, the best quarterback this school

has ever seen. -Want a Frank?

-Yes, I'll take another one. -We're having a party tonight.

Do you guys want to come?

-A party, yes. -Yes.

[music]

-Is he going to be all right?

-What's up, bro?

-Hey.

-Hey.

-[chuckles]

[music]

-Come on. -What?

Come on.

-[laughs] Party.

-Come on.

[background conversation]

-I read this article a couple months ago in Esquire Magazine

entitled Things a Man Should Never Do After the Age of 30.

It kind of stuck with me after I read it about 50 times.

Went something like this.

After the age of 30,

a man should never, number one, use the word "party" as a verb.

Actually, you know what?

I bet we can knock off a handful of these by just walking through the house.

To be fair, I can personally knock off number two,

sleep till 10.30 AM.

Number three,

live with someone who you don't actually sleep with.

Number four, crash on a buddy's couch or floor.

Number five, play fantasy sports.

Number six, own a futon.

Number seven, own a beanbag chair.

Number eight,

own a fish tank.

-Hey, bruv. You want to do some coke?

-Hey, dude, I'm all right, thanks.

Number nine, use the word "dude" except when referring to a ranch

or a well-dressed Englishman.

In the kitchen.

[background conversation]

-Number 10, cook exclusively on a George Foreman grill.

[background conversation]

-Nice, Eddie.

Number 11, own beer drinking paraphernalia.

Number 12, engage in pranks involving airborne food.

-Here you go, sir.

[background conversation]

-Number 13,

wear a jersey with the name of a professional athlete

on the back.

Oh, wait, beer.

To be continued.

[music]

-Come on, man, hook it up. Let's go.

-That one right there.

-Hey, Conrad.

-Hey, hey, haven't seen you fellas in a while.

-Hey, you know how it is, man.

Wife doesn't let me out too often.

-The Three Wise Kegmen.

They're the guys always hovering around the kegs,

picking and choosing who goes first.

You know them.

Every party you go to, they're standing around the keg,

making sure the beer doesn't foam, and telling you to lower your cup

so they have a nice, easy pour.

These guys have mastered pouring keg beer into red party cups.

-30 years old.

How's it feel?

-Actually, I haven't figured that out yet.

-I think it's like puberty, Connie.

You still secretly want to play with your old toys,

but you got hair growing off your balls.

It can be a confusing time for a young man.

-I know it's for me.

-Man, when you first turn 30, you just go with it

because you don't know any better.

I was locked up in the Folsom State Penitentiary,

and I was perplexed by such a mature-driven coming of age.

What Mad Dog said over here,

it is much like puberty.

In that only in time will you adjust to your mental

and your emotional manger.

-What were you in for?

-I'm robbery.

-Fellas.

[laughter]

-Chug, chug, chug, a chu-chu-chu-chu.

Give me a V, dot the I, twirl the C,

T over what?

A victory.

-Go, Sean.

Victory.

-Go, Sean.

[giggles] -Yay.

I like Sean. -Fucking Sean.

[giggles] -Bonds.

-Fucking bonds.

-You got to get into bond now.

-You have to fucking get into Bonds. -I'm telling you, text her down.

-Bonds. -Danny Pepper,

I don't believe it.

-[sighs] Steve Brown, how you been?

-Doing great.

Got a little gig down at Mills and Stanley,

playing with stocks and things. How about yourself?

-Just working on linen.

-Hey, let me introduce you to my old college frat boys.

This is Buchanon and Tyler.

-Nice to meet you too. -Two guys you would have played against

if you stuck it out at state.

Me and Danny used to play high school ball together.

Lucky fucker got a full scholarship out of it.

-No shit. -Yes.

-What happened? [chuckles]

-I guess I got tired of throwing the ball around to a bunch of morons.

-Oh, come on, even with all those tight ends

and wide receivers running around?

-My point exactly.

-Oh, come on, Danny, where's your locker room humor?

We had to give you a hard time.

Not every day your star quarterback turns out to be gay.

Let me get you a shot.

Look, I don't care what you are, but in this circle,

we're all ball players.

Remember?

We used to fuck with each other all the time.

-Danny, there you are. Come on, let's go.

-This way, this way. -What are you doing?

[background noise]

-Is that you?

-Yes, that's me.

-We missed you, Danny.

-Oh, you did?

-Yes. It's kind of creepy.

There's a lot of old people here. -You're so very cute.

-[laughs] Thank you, girls, but I'm also very gay.

-Aw.

[background conversation]

-Where was I?

Number 14, hang art frame for you.

Number 15, read a book with the words zen and art of in the title.

16, own a skull bong.

17, use the word dog in a sentence when referring to a friend,

even worse, yourself.

Number 18, enjoy Jerry Bruckheimer movie.

Number 19, shots.

20, body shots.

21, jello shots.

Especially jello shots.

-Connie, dang it, this one's for you, baby.

Hey, hey, here's to us.

Hey.

Tonight's kicking.

Let's be friends.

-Please, Danny, come on.

-Just once. It'll be fun.

-No. -Oh, come on.

-Just for us. Just for us.

-No way. -Oh, come on.

-Do it. -Just do it.

-Danny, honestly. -Come on.

-Danny. -It's just for us.

Just for us. -Yes, just us.

Just one time. -Come on.

-It'll be really good.

It'll be fun. -It's be just for us.

-No. -Yes, just one time, please.

-Please, Danny. No one will know.

-It'll be so funny. Just do it.

-They want me to put on the kids' football uniform.

-Come on, Danny. -Please.

-I'll do it.

-No, we want Danny to do it. -No. Yes, Danny.

Just do it, please. -Please.

-Just do it. -Come on.

-Do it, do it, do it.

-What the fuck am I going to put on a kids' football uniform for?

It's going to hurt.

All right, but only for a minute and only us four.

[cheers]

-I mean it, Sean.

-Only we can see it.

Of course.

[music]

-You made it. -Hey.

Yes, I did.

-Good.

Let me get you a drink.

All right.

[music]

-What's your new book about?

Oh, no, wait, let me guess.

A bunch of teenagers running around drinking beer and playing football

in a small town?

-Actually,

it's about a guy who's struggling with the idea of becoming 30,

but there is still beer drinking and football.

-Poor Connie.

You know what?

One day you're going to wake up and realize,

"Oops, I just missed a whole decade or two of my life."

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Come on, Connie, will you just grow up already?

You cannot just keep running and hiding behind your buddies drinking

and getting laid every night.

Connie, you've written nine.

Count them, nine novels.

Every single one of them is about trying to grow up.

You, Sean, Danny, and the rest of your pack

have got to stop trying to live out your high school glory days.

[cheers]

-Ladies and gentlemen, quiet.

The ball was on the 52-yard line.

It was the fourth down,

six seconds remaining in the game.

The ball was snapped,

but all the receivers were covered.

The line started to collapse.

The quarterback tries left.

Nothing.

He reverses and finds a hole.

He hits the 40.

A couple of spin moves later, he's at the 30.

[cheers]

-You all remember, he breaks yet another tackle.

[music]

-He's at the 10,

the 5,

one last defender.

He dives.

Touchdown.

[cheers] -The Cats win it.

The Cats make state.

The Cats stay.

[music]

[Sean pukes] [screams]

-Oh, fuck.

[laughs]

-What is the craziest Delta try dare you've ever done?

-1989, Russia.

I pissed in a cup and drank it.

-That is sick, man. -I was fucking wasted.

-That's a fucking Delta try, boom, right there.

[chanting "'Delta try, do or die]

[door knock]

-Go downstairs.

-Connie, it's me Danny, open up.

[Sean pukes] -There you go.

Oh, boy.

Oh,

Hi, Leila.

Good to see you again.

-Oh my God.

[music]

[Sean pukes]

[background conversation]

-She's a little bent,

but who could blame her.

I think throughout our whole relationship, she always felt like she was competing

with Sean and Danny.

-Hey man, you want to do some blow?

[background conversation]

-Number 26, call drugs by their street names:

blow, junk, smack, white bag.

Number 27, drink alternative beverages.

[music]

-Bro, I have the craziest Delta try dare ever.

-What?

-To get your dick sucked by a fag.

-Not just any fag,

Danny Pepper.

That'll put your fucking ass on the map, man.

That'd be a crazy Delta try dare.

-Get him.

-Hey, Dan the man, you getting ready for next season?

-It's just a joke.

I'm just getting some water for Sean.

-Hey, me and the guys are thinking about going for a drive

and getting some beers.

-I think that's a great idea.

Be sure to get plenty more beer.

-Do you want to come?

-Hmm, as much fun as that sounds, I think I'm going to pass.

-We can catch up on old times.

-It'll be fun.

-Fun, huh?

-Two good-looking guys.

-So what?

You think we're going to get to the point and I'm going to drop to my knees

and suck you guys off?

You and your boy here can have a little laugh

about yet another crazy Delta try dare?

-You better shut the fuck up.

[music]

-Number 29, don't fall asleep in public.

[music]

-It seems big Steve here wants to go for a drive and get some beers.

He and his frat boys thought it'd be a good time if they brought

little old gay me.

I don't know about you guys, but it sounds like Steve

and the boys are hard up for some good old-fashioned poontang.

-Go do your friend a favor and shut this queer up.

-Hey, fuck this, no one calls him queer but me.

Hiya.

-Last but not least, number 30, pick a fist fight

while sticking out your chest, flexing, and screaming--

-It's go time, faggot.

[music]

-I'll fucking kill you, motherfucker. Get out of my house.

[music]

-Get the fuck out of here.

-You guys better watch your backs, man.

-What you got? I don't see shit, you little trick-ass bitch.

-Get out of here.

-You all right? -Yes.

-Damn, girl.

You got some heart.

-Yes, you do.

[background conversation]

-Time to party.

[door slams]

-Fuck.

[background conversation]

-Where the fuck you going?

-I'm going home.

-You're going to let those fucking idiots ruin your night.

-Listen, I ruined my night, all right?

-Come on, Danny.

-What the fuck do you want?

-I want you to stay.

-I'm so fucking tired, Connie.

I'm so tired of being the washed-up star quarterback.

I'm so tired of being gay.

I just want to be left alone.

-Don't do this, all right?

Don't do this. Don't fucking give up on me.

You're the only goddamn person that gives me hope.

-I'm a fucking joke, man.

I'm a fucking joke, man. [cries]

-You're not a joke.

You're not a fucking joke, Danny.

You're my best friend.

Watching Danny break down was like watching your idol grow old.

You become reminded that they're just human.

They want what we want,

just to be happy.

-Okay, you see what I'm talking about?

-Not now, Leila.

-I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Connie.

[music]

-Connie,

I think we should try.

I think we should get back together.

-What about Andrew?

-I'm talking about us, not him.

Come on, we could get a new place.

We could be what we were.

Connie, I know what you are inside, and that's the only reason I said

those things.

Look around you, are any of these people even your friends?

Has anybody here wished you a happy birthday tonight besides Danny?

[door shuts]

-I hope you don't mind, but I just feel like

being quiet right now.

[music]

-Hey.

Hey.

[Pepper spray] -[screams] Fuck.

Hey, stop. Jesus Christ.

-Stay away from me.

-Madison, fuck me.

-Who are you?

Connie?

God. Connie?

Connie, are you okay?

-Just let me break it down for you.

You know that first girlfriend I've been bitching about all along?

The one that fucked me up when I was 14?

This is her.

[footsteps]

-Connie, I'm so sorry.

-It's all right.

I should have said something.

Oh, thanks.

Oomph, where'd you learn to fight like that?

-My husband's a cop.

-When did you move back?

-Oh, when Michael got transferred last year and the kids and I just got here

a couple of months ago because of school.

Wow, I can't believe this.

[chuckles] -Yes.

[chuckles]

Where is the family?

-I was just on my way to pick up the kids from my parents,

and Michael went to some big party with his cop buddies.

Tell me about you.

What have you been up to?

God, it's been years.

-Madison and her family moved away after we broke up.

I always imagined that she'd end up

becoming some high-powered attorney or a diplomat in Africa.

Never a housewife with kids married to a cop.

Wow, the beautiful Madison.

-What about you?

Any--

-Any children?

No, I can barely wipe my own ass.

I'm sorry, I've had a little too much to drink tonight.

I'm actually

about the same as I was the last time you saw me.

-You were 14, Connie.

-Sounds about right.

-Come on, Connie. I'm serious.

-So am I.

I guess I just really haven't had a chance to get that far.

-That's Maggie over there,

and the little guy is Conrad.

That's little Conrad.

-Wow.

Your husband doesn't care that you named your son after your first boyfriend?

-My husband doesn't know that my first boyfriend was named Conrad.

It's my little secret.

-Why Conrad?

-Because I always wanted to be reminded that you have to care for what you love

or you'll lose it.

[background music]

-A lesson I learned a long time ago.

-16 years ago?

-Yes, 16 years ago.

[laughter]

I never want to make the mistake with my family.

-You're always something.

[music]

-I have to get the kids before it gets too late.

Do you need a ride anywhere? -No, no, I'm okay.

It's all right. I can walk.

It's not too far from here.

-I hope we keep in touch, Connie.

-Maybe one of these days I'll get to meet little Conrad.

-Yes.

Hey, Connie.

For what it's worth,

I'm sorry, if I ever--

-I wouldn't give it back for anything.

[music]

-What happened to you? -Pepper spray.

Don't ask. Have you seen Leila?

-Yes.

I was supposed to give you this.

Thank you, Connie.

-I think I'm ready.

-For what?

-Ready to get out of the palace.

I'm ready to make something of myself.

I'm going to get back together with Leila, get a place,

and grow up.

-Wow.

Good for you, Connie.

You do what makes you happy.

-Yes.

-Connie,

I waited for you to come back and started thinking.

I was wrong.

We could never work,

so I am going home to Andrew, but I do love you and I meant

everything I said.

Don't rot away.

Be that person that we all know you are.

Love, Leila.

[music]

-Hey.

Hey, you're asleep?

You're asleep?

Tired? -Yes.

-Me too.

I'm tired too.

[music]

[Sean coughs]

-I always wanted to have a threesome.

[music]

-Come on, Eddie, bring your ass on.

-Go, woo. -Shit.

Oh, shit.

No.

Don't do it.

Hey, oh my God.

-God.

What's next?

[laughter] -Wiggle those titties, Eddie.

Get some more glitter on those things.

-Come on. -No, man, come on, man.

Oh, no.

[laughter]

-Hey, sugar, you got a light?

I promise I'm not going to chew you up this time,

really.

Thank you.

[music]

-You're having a good night?

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I'm totally fucking with you.

Hey, by the way, my name is Indiana.

-Conrad.

-Nice to meet you, Conrad.

Listen, I thought I'd come back and check out your party.

I'm going to tell you I'm really sorry.

That would have been my first time ever doing something like that and I think

I just felt really rejected by you.

-Look,

I'm sorry about all that, but I just want to be--

-What?

Come on, haven't you ever done something that didn't really fit in your life

just to do it for once?

-Yes, I have.

-Okay.

That was like that for me

until you went and fucked it all up for me.

[chuckles]

-How did I do that?

-You just spoiled it,

really, and I just don't want to do it again.

Anyway,

what about you?

Why so blue?

Ex-girlfriend?

-Yes.

-You know what?

You have nothing to worry about because she just got cold feet,

that's all.

-It's over.

-If you're going to give up just like that,

then I guess it is.

-You don't understand.

She's right.

Every relationship I'm in,

I'm always looking for something new, something better.

I can't hold down a job because I think I'm too good for $10 an hour.

I get a chance to write a book,

I end up looking at free porn on the internet all day.

-You know what?

Nobody is perfect.

-Yes, I know.

-What's the problem, Conrad?

-[chuckles]

I just want to care again like when I was a kid,

when everything had meaning and I believed in something.

-What do you mean?

You never really want to lose your dreams.

-Sometimes they're all I got.

[background conversation] [music]

-Good party.

-I miss my mother.

-Aren't you a little old for that?

-Would you just hold me?

-Come on over to mama.

-Can I see you again?

-Yes, definitely.

-Good.

-Yes, I would love to see you again.

-Good.

-Should I call you?

-Yes, absolutely.

Hang on a second.

Okay, give me your hand.

Okay.

Will you promise me something?

-Yes. -Okay.

Don't ever be afraid of your dreams,

okay?

Okay.

[kiss]

Okay, bye.

-Bye.

[chuckles]

[kiss]

-See what you like?

-That's for you, baby, that's for you.

-What's up, man?

That's how we're doing, huh?

-How about the park?

-Yes. Yes.

-Where's Lip at?

[background noise]

-Hey, want to go to the park?

-[Spanish language]

-[cheers] Who rocked the house?

Lippy rocks the house and when he rocks the house,

he rocks it up and down and, baby, all the way around.

Ah.

[background noise]

-Lamar rocks the house.

Unfucking believable.

This fucking Lippy.

[music]

-I don't know.

It just seems like all night I've been trying

to figure out

what I'm supposed to do now that I'm 30.

-What do you want to do?

-I don't know.

Nobody's asked me point-blank like that.

-The way I see it is,

statistically, this is what is supposed to happen.

Sean will die of lung cancer, Danny will be done in by AIDS,

Frankie will lose a battle with breast cancer,

I get to look forward to being a victim of a homicide,

Chad and Fast Eddie will give their lives to some tragic auto accident,

and you'll be taken out by alcoholism before your fifth novel,

so shit don't matter, right?

We're going to get fucked up anyway.

-That's fucking harsh.

-Yes, it is,

so don't waste your time figuring out what you're supposed to do.

Just live your life.

[background noise]

-[pants]

That's what I've been missing.

That was fucking amazing.

-Whatever.

Fetch Mommy a martini.

[music]

-Did you have fun?

-Yes, I think so.

[clears throat]

[laughter]

-What?

-Oh, God.

I had a great time.

-I'm glad. [laughter]

-You and Danny were the only two people to wish me a happy birthday.

I know everyone else did in their own way, but I just want you to know that.

-You're welcome.

I watch you guys

and I think,

"Wow,

I wish I had friends like that"

because if I had friends like that,

nothing else would matter.

Wherever you go and whatever you do when you grow old,

I'll always be there for you.

That's all that matters; I'll be there for you.

[music]

-It's hot.

I'm going to get it.

-Ball, ball, ball.

[music]

-I think it was my first girlfriend who told me you always have to care

for what you love or you'll lose it.

Oh, I guess the only thing I learned about

being 30 is you're 30.

I wish I had some brilliant answer or new discovery to solve the puzzle,

but I don't.

There's not even a puzzle.

Being 30 just means you get cheaper car insurance and more credit.

That's about it.

Ooh.

[music]

-Happy birthday, Connie.

Look who's here. -Hey, buddy.

-Look who's here. [laughs]

Oh, there goes.

There he goes.

[music]

-I finished my book a few days after the party.

-Does Danny have William?

-Yes.

Go back to sleep, sweetie.

-Happy birthday, Connie.

-Two weeks later, Frankie and I moved to New York with Danny.

We became pregnant a couple of months after arrival.

It wasn't a planned pregnancy,

so Danny, Frankie, and I have our hands full since we agreed to raise

the baby together.

Although I must say we have had help.

-Push, push. -Come on, baby girl.

Keep going.

Keep going. Keep going.

-Good, Frankie, very good.

-Frankie's a full-time mother and part-time student

at the local college.

Martha The Machine whipped Sean into shape.

They're planning to be married next year.

I think between them,

they have five divorces, but I think this one will be it.

Danny finished school and now has a great job with the United Way.

The boys are doing fine.

They visit quite frequently, but it's mostly for the baby.

As for me, I'm finishing my next book to be published this fall.

Here we are.

Today I'm 32 years old.

I'm a father.

I found someone who I love and has taught me how to trust myself,

make a living doing what I love.

That's pretty much my life from the outside in.

Everything that worried me two years ago seems so frivolous now.

My life revolves around booty, socks,

and diapers.

This is my life, my world.

What do you do?

You say fuck it.

Live it like it doesn't last.

[music]

-Although I was locked up with the Folsom State Penitentiary,

21 was a very liberating age for me.

[music]

[shaver buzzes]

[music]

-Dingoes

are a wild form of the domestic dog

and thus are mammals.

Dingoes are not by nature a pack dog,

but rather hunt alone or in pairs,

but when small game is scarce and larger prey must be tackled,

cooperative hunting takes place.

Dingoes are--

[music]

-[Spanish language]

[door shuts]