Original subtitles

[male narrator] And now here they are

the most daredevil group of daffy drivers

to ever whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races

competing for the title

of the world's wackiest racer.

The cars are approaching the starting line.

First is the Turbo Terrific driven by Peter Perfect.

Next, Rufus Ruff Cut and Sawtooth in the Buzz Wagon.

Maneuvering for a position is the Army Surplus Special.

Right behind is the Anthill Mob in their Bulletproof Bomb.

And there's the ingenious inventor, Pat Pending

in his Convert-A-Car.

Oh, and here's the lovely Penelope Pitstop

the glamour gal of the gas pedal.

Next is the Boulder mobile

with the Slag Brothers, Rock and Gravel.

Lurching along is the Creepy Coupe and the Gruesome Twosome.

And right on their tail is the Red Max.

And there's the Arkansas chugga-Bug

with Luke and Blubber Bear.

Sneaking along last is that mean machine

with those double-dealing do-badders

Dick Dastardly and his sidekick, Muttley.

And even now they're up to some dirty trick

and they're off to a standing start. And why not?

They've been chained to a post by shifty Dick Dastardly

who shifts into the wrong gear.

And away they go on the way-out Wacky Races.

As the Wacky Racers roar across the desert

dashing toward Handsprings, Wyoming

the drivers are desperately trying to pass one another.

[grunting]

♪♪

Peter Perfect is tailgating Gravel

one of the Slag brothers.

Sorry, Slag!

[male narrator] What strategy! By lightening the load

the Slags have bounced into a solid lead.

But wait, what's this?

Those double villains in car double zero

Dick Dastardly and Muttley have somehow gone into the lead!

That sneaky shortcut put us way out in front, right, Muttley?

[sniggering]

Now, to make sure those other jalopies can't catch us.

[laughing]

Hurry up, Muttley, faster, faster with those sticks.

Can't you do anything right? Hurry up, dum-dum!

[barking]

Okay, okay. Down, boy.

Nice doggie. I was only fooling, pal!

[sniggering]

Now here's my plan to stop them.

This fast-burning fuse leads to my mighty-mean missile...

...which is aimed at the road.

It'll make the grandest canyon they ever saw. Right, Muttley?

[laughing]

[sniggering]

You light the fuse when I say "now."

No, not now, now! Gangway!

Blast

boom

[sniggering]

[muttering]

[male narrator] The Wacky Racers have arrived at the very edge

of Dastardly's destructive depression.

Fortunately for all, inventor Pat Pending got there first.

I'll just use my old do-it-yourself canyon crosser.

[male narrator] And now, all the racers roll across rapidly, all but...

...where's number one, the Boulder mobile?

It better hurry. Here it comes!

[gibberish]

Thud

[shouting gibberish]

[male narrator] Meanwhile as Dick Dastardly darts across the desert

a pair of piercing eyes track his trail of dust!

Iron wagon come bring them smog where deer and antelope play.

Great traffic cop in sky say, "Stop them wagon!"

Drat, I only slowed them down.

I'll just have to be more dastardly!

What's that sign up ahead?

"Warning! Pale Face keep out where deer and antelope play

"and the skies are not cloudy all day."

Signed, "Chief Crazy Buffalo!"

That fellow could help me put the Indian sign

on the other cars.

[laughing]

[male narrator] As Dastardly designs his devious dirty deed

our radarscope shows the other racers are well-bunched.

Then they peel off once more.

Number six, Army Surplus Special has the lead

using bazooka power!

And right behind them is number two with the Gruesome Twosome.

Poof

Uh-oh! It's a flat tire!

But here comes the instant repair kit!

Pretty snaky! Number five with Penelope Pitstop

is about to pass them.

[whistles]

Oh!

Now, the cars move down a narrow canyon

with number six in front.

Number two is second, and unable to pass is number three.

But driver Pat Pending is always inventing.

How about that bit? He's changed into a giant drill!

He passes number five...

...seven...

...nine...

...and four. Leaving them far behind.

Nothing can stop him now.

Well, almost nothing!

Oh, drat, they're getting too close.

I've gotta find that Indian

and join forces for an all-out attack!

As Dastardly drives on, we take a quick look up ahead!

Me put them up wire stop signal across highway!

Crash

Who's nutty enough to do a thing like that?

Me! Chief Crazy Buffalo! Any questions?

Yeah. How have you been, crazy baby?

I've been looking for you.

I come to warn you, many iron wagons come!

He putting me on with forked tongue

knife and spoon even!

Honest Indian, here they come!

Hm. Regular locust plague of iron wagons!

You try and stop them. Me go for help!

Iron chicken leave.

Me stop 'em this bunch myself!

Stop um! This Crazy Buffalo country!

Uh! Me need hospital plan.

[male narrator] Halfway to Handsprings, Rufus Ruff Cut

in car number ten hacks his way ahead!

But it's number seven, the Anthill Mob

cutting in front of number ten.

Now it's ten cutting in front of seven!

Seven cuts in front of ten!

Now ten cuts through seven!

Alright, you mugs. Make with the repairs!

Right, boss!

♪♪

[male narrator] And here once again, it's double zero!

The dreadful duo putting Operation Low-Down

Dirty Trick to work!

Alright! Alright!

Get a move on! Step on it! Faster. Faster.

Move it! Move it! Come on! Can't you hear?

I said faster! Alright! On the double!

On the... No, you don't.

I'm not going to do it.

You can stay there all day! And that's final!

Alright, but just this once!

♪♪

[sniggering]

[Dasterdly] Get the track!

[muttering]

Here they come!

I can't lose! These clowns will wait here all day

for a train to pass!

[laughing]

Where'd that train come from?

[sniggering]

Now what? What is this? A creepy teepee?

You run out on Crazy Buffalo

me give them your big, hot foot!

[tribal chant]

Oh, come on, Crazy Baby, listen to reason.

Too many iron wagons!

Me had better hot-foot out of here!

Come on, Muttley, I've got a race to win.

[male narrator] Pat Pending is trying to pass the Gruesome Twosome.

But they turn on dragon power!

Making it a pretty hot race!

Ha ha ha! I'll cool him off!

[male narrator] Uh-oh! He put the freeze on two!

But what's this?

Now it's number eight roaring into first

with barefoot bear-power.

Hold on! The racers have run into a treacherous fog bank!

And it's every car for himself!

Number one, the Slags, try to slug their way out.

Number nine and number five are still in the race!

- Thank you, Peter, honey! - You're welcome, my dear.

[male narrator] It's number ten, Ruff Cut up for a look...

...and number eight, the chugga-bug, sounds the foghorn!

[foghorn blaring]

Here at the fog-covered finish line, it's anybody's race!

And through the use of our infrared camera

the winners were photographed the instant

they crossed the finish line.

And the Wacky Race winner is number two

the Gruesome Twosome who slid in to put the race on ice.

Number one was second and number eight, third!

And coming up fast to finish last

is that villain Dick Dastardly.

Drat, lost again!

[sniggering]

[male narrator] The Wacky Racers, heading for Well Digger, Wyoming

are creeping along at a snail's pace

and for a good reason. For the past 17 miles

Miss Penelope Pitstop has been signaling a left turn

and the drivers are afraid to pass her!

There! I think my little old fingernail polish is dry now.

♪♪

[male narrator] Now, Pat Pending in number three is hopping into the lead.

The Creepy Coupe is running second

and Big Gruesome is gaining foot by foot!

[growling]

Red Max is trying to pass the Slags in car number one

but they are using primitive defensive tactics!

The Red Max outmaneuvers them!

[gibberish]

The Arkansas chugga-Bug and the Army Surplus Special

are running neck and neck, and right behind them

the Anthill Mob muscles in.

They're going to try to squeeze into fourth place!

Okay, you Mugs! One, two, three, push!

[men grunting]

[male narrator] Peter Perfect's powerful number nine is burning up the road

and hot on his trail is Rufus Ruff Cut and Sawtooth

and bringing up the rear is that villain of velocity

Dick Dastardly in double zero!

Dick Dastardly last?

But not for long.

[sniggering]

[chimes]

Crash

That stopped them! But it's go-go-go for me!

[laughing]

I sure slickered him good!

[sniggering]

♪♪

Crash

[male narrator] The wacky racers are strung out as they pass

Kookie Cactus Canyon, which will take them

through Yellow Rock National Park

toward the finish line at Well Digger, Wyoming!

But first, the cars must cross the awesome Ground Canyon

which they're now approaching.

Professor Pat Pending's prop pushes him ahead!

Watch it, Professor!

No matter what the trouble, I'll bounce back.

[male narrator] He's over! The professor made it!

And now the Creepy Coupe nears the canyon.

The Gruesome Twosome shift into dragon power

to raise their flaps and flop across easily.

The Army Surplus six is slowing but

they're going to make a try at it.

Looks like they're on the right track!

Now Dick Dastardly makes his bid to get across the canyon.

Also, to fly into the lead again, fella!

[laughing]

Okay, Muttley, you may launch when ready!

[sniggering]

Crash

crash

[sniggering]

[male narrator] Dick Dastardly is driving like a madman

trying to overtake the leaders.

[muttering]

[sniggering]

[crying]

[male narrator] It looks like Professor Pat Pending's number three

will be the first of the Wacky Racers into the park.

Once more, Dick Dastardly's despicable dirty work

has given him the lead.

That geyser gives me a great idea. Listen, Muttley.

[whispering]

[sniggering]

Make it snappy, before that geyser goes off again!

Hi, there.

"Hi, there," yourself!

Crash

She's going to be high there!

Oh, dear, I'm stuck in this little old mudhole.

Help! Somebody help little old me!

I'll help you, my dear.

After I win the race.

[laughing]

[sniggering]

Drat!

[male narrator] While Dick Dastardly does a drip-dry pit stop

stay tuned for part two of the Wacky Races.

[male narrator] We are now at the park exit

but there seems to be some sort of delay!

Now what's holding us up?

What's wrong, Mr. Ranger, sir?

Just checking the cars, ma'am.

These crazy park bears are always trying

to sneak out to the city!

Out! Out! Back in the park!

Oh! Dear me! I didn't know that little old bear

was in my little old car!

[muttering]

So, that's it?

[laughing]

Pardon me, Ranger, I feel it's my duty

as an upstanding righteous citizen...

...to tell you there's a race car trying to take

a bear out of the park!

Thank you, sir!

[laughing]

You! Bear! Back into the park!

[sobbing]

You some kind of flatland nut?

- This bear is my bear! - Out! Out!

[laughing]

[sniggering]

Hup, two, three, four. Hup, hup!

[sobbing]

What's the hang up, Ring-a-ding?

That Ranger's making everybody stop, Clyde!

Let's take a quick cool swim till the heat's off!

Everybody in the pond!

Splash

What in tarnation is wrong now?

There ain't no law against me leaving the park, is there?

Hup, hup, hup!

Get back into your hollow log.

♪♪

[muttering]

[laughing]

Hold it! Hold it! Got any bears in there, Mac?

[laughing]

Not a bear in sight!

[laughing]

Okay, folks! Take it--hold it.

Everybody out! Two, three, four.

Hey, you bear mugs! Come back here with our clothes!

[laughing]

[sniggering]

Now, let's get back to our car and get out of here!

Zounds, my car!

Come back here, you car-napper!

Now you hang on to that kite!

You'll be 200 feet in the air.

And that cotton-picking Ranger won't even see you!

[sobbing]

Dagnabit! Now what're you stopping me for?

Okay, you can go!

We made it.

[laughing]

Now I'll get him.

I'll drive, you push! Come on, push!

[sniggering]

Help! Do something!

[male narrator] What luck!

Just when it looks like Dastardly's washed up

he's geysered to the finish line.

Now, the Wacky Racers are streaking

toward the finish line in Well Digger, Wyoming

with the Arkansas chugga-Bug churning along in last place!

There's a service station. We need to refuel!

Get that gas hose!

Tie it tight. That'll give us extra zip in the final stretch!

Hang on!

[male narrator] Number eight snaps ahead! It's passing cars like crazy!

The crowd is tense at the finish line

and here come the cars!

Oh, it's going to be mighty close, folks.

The winner is number eight, the Arkansas chugga-Bug!

Rufus Ruff Cut is number ten with second.

And the Creepy Coupe number two was a close third!

All the cars are through except double zero.

Where is Dastardly?

[sniggering]

Help! Help!

As usual, the evil plans of Dastardly

turn out to be all wet!

And they're off again. The Wacky Race goes on and on.

Each driver determined to win, maneuvering for position

looking for the opening that will put him in the lead.

The Ant Hill Mob uses getaway power.

Red Max of The Crimson Haybailer

makes his move.

The Arkansas Chuggabug uses jet power.

And The Creepy Coupe pours it on with dragon power.

Oh, it's gonna be a great race, folks.

Hey, wait a minute.

Stop!

This race starts next week.

Next week?

That means I'll get a good start on the others.

Crash

Drat! Drat! And a double drat!