Original subtitles

[narrator] And now here they are, the most daredevil group

of daffy drivers to ever whirl their wheels in

the Wacky Races competing for the title of the world's

wackiest racer.

The cars are approaching the starting line.

First is the Turbo Terrific driven by Peter Perfect.

Next, Rufus Ruff Cut and Sawtooth in the Buzz Wagon.

Maneuvering for a position is the Army Surplus Special.

Right behind is the Anthill Mob in their Bulletproof Bomb.

And there's ingenious inventor, Pat Pending

in his Convert-A-Car.

Oh, and here's the lovely Penelope Pitstop

the glamour gal of the gas pedal.

Next we have the Boulder mobile

with the Slag Brothers, Rock and Gravel.

Lurching along is the Creepy Coupe and the Gruesome Twosome.

And right on their tale is the Red Max.

And there's the Arkansas chugga-Bug

with Luke and Blubber Bear.

Sneaking along last is that Mean Machine

with those double dealing do batters

Dick Dastardly and his sidekick, Muttley.

And even now they're up to some dirty trick.

And they're off to a standing start. And why not?

They've been chained to a post by shifty Dick Dastardly

who shifts into the wrong gear.

And away they go

on the way out Wacky Racers.

Here are the Wacky Racers strung out on the next lap

of today's Wacky Race

which incidentally will take them on a grueling

zig-zag route to Mustard Spread, Arkansas.

Attempting to gain the lead over the other contenders

is that villainous Dick Dastardly

who would leave no stone unturned to gain an advantage.

Thud

♪♪

Now, at this moment it's number one

the Slag Brothers in first place.

Number two, the Creepy Coupe is second.

But there they go into overdrive.

And now it's number four, the Red Max, making his move.

Bunched up behind the leaders are number three

Professor Pat Pending

number six, the Army Surplus Special...

...number eight, the Arkansas chugga-Bug

number nine, Peter Perfect

number five, lovely, Penelope Pitstop.

Dick Dastardly in car Double Zero is nowhere in sight

and far behind is the Anthill Mob, number seven.

Alright, you mugs, let's show them our getaway power.

Gee, boss, my feet hurt.

- You heard me. - Right, boss.

♪♪

Calling headquarters. Calling headquarters.

This is Highway Officer 26 calling.

What looked like the Anthill Mob just passed me.

Will investigate.

vroom

zoom

The cop spotted us. Turn off at the next turn.

♪♪

Drat! One of them turned off

but we'll stop the rest of them...

when we blast the pass.

You plant the dynamite, Muttley...

Boink

...and I'll give you the signal.

[muttering]

What was that?

[sniggering]

Now!

Now what went wrong?

♪♪

[explosion]

[sniggering]

Boink

screech

[laughing]

At least we stopped one of them.

Clatter

[sniggering]

Clank

[narrator] Number nine, Peter Perfect, is now leading the pack.

The Arkansas chugga-Bug, number eight, is second.

Now he's beginning to move up.

And here comes number six, the Army Surplus Special

passing them all.

[Reveille on bugle]

But here comes number three, Professor Pat Pending

taking the lead.

We'll be back in a minute.

♪♪

Hey, look, boss. There's a shack.

Good. Duck the car behind it.

It'll make a great hideout.

Hey, what is this place?

Seven hats and coats, seven chairs.

Seven little beds.

Hey you lugs, do you know who lives here?

The three bears?

No, you dum-dum, the Seven Dwarfs.

Pipe down. Somebody's coming.

Into the outfits, quick.

Oh, dear! I'm lost.

Yoo-hoo in there. Anybody to home?

There's nobody here but us Seven Dwarfs.

How cute.

Are you all really the Seven Dwarfs?

Of course.

Make like Seven Dwarfs.

[humming]

Okay. Now what's your problem?

Well, little old me got lost.

Can you all tell me where I can find the little old highway?

Sure. Little old you goes straight a mile

and two miles left, then right, then left another mile

and another mile right, then left

and another left, and there you are.

Oh, thanks, you all.

And say "Hi there" to the little old prince.

We'll do that little old thing.

- Hey! She'll get ahead of us. - Oh, yeah.

If she follows my directions, she'll end up in the middle

of the La Brea Tar Pits.

Come on, back into the race.

Another car is coming. Quick, make like Seven Dwarfs.

[humming]

We're the Seven Little Dwarfs.

Well, I'm Snow White

so tell me where the highway is.

Sure, you just make a sharp turn left.

Thanks, Shorty.

You get it? Shorty. Ha ha!

Yeah, you're going to get it.

♪♪

Splash

What will I do? I'm stuck in the mud.

Keep going. Maybe you'll strike oil.

[laughing]

[sniggering]

[narrator] Back on our radarscope

we see it's still a pretty close race.

Wait a minute. Something's gone wrong

or the Wacky Racers have gone crazy.

This looks like a real crisis, folks.

The racers are hung up in a cloverleaf.

They may never get out.

Exactly as I planned it. Right, Muttley?

[sniggering]

[narrator] But how, you fiend?

Diabolically simple.

I merely turned the exit sign around.

[sniggering]

Yeow!

[sniggering]

[narrator] How about that?

In all the excitement, Rufus Ruff Cut and Sawtooth

have moved way out in front.

You can say that again, fella.

[laughing]

What's going on?

[narrator] Looks like number ten has hit a rough spot in the road.

And the winner will be number ten, driven by--

Yeow!

♪♪

Pop

[narrator] That was a bad break for the Buzz Wagon.

And as we come into the final miles of this exciting race

it's the Creepy Coupe creeping into the lead

using bat power.

Now it's the Army Surplus Special marching up fast.

Ready! Fire!

Ready! Fire!

Zoom

[laughing]

Yeowch!

Now it's Peter Perfect's Turbo Terrific in front

and he's stretching his lead.

And here comes Pat Pending stretching his legs.

Straight ahead is Mustard Spread, Arkansas

and the finish line.

Wait a minute. There's a train coming.

The road's blocked, which means no one can win.

Did you say "no one"?

[sniggering]

Thank you all, boys.

Drat, you! Drat, drat and drat!

[narrator] Here they all come, racing for the finish line.

It's number two in the lead. Number ten, second.

Number four, third and Double Zero

Dick Dastardly, is passing them all.

Now it's neck and neck. It looks like a photo finish.

Did you say photo finish?

[narrator] It is a photo finish.

And in a few moments, folks, we'll have the picture.

And the winners are: number four with Red Max

second, number two, the Creepy Coupe

and third, Rufus Ruff Cut.

And can you believe it?

Dick Dastardly stopped to pose for his picture.

Ho-ho-ho! The big ham.

[laughing]

[sniggering]

As the wacky racers, streak toward the next stop

in the wacky races

the entire town of Lemon Twist Nevada

turns out to wait for the exciting finish of the race.

At the moment number one, the Slag Brothers

are grimly hanging on to their lead.

But number four, the Red Max is just as determined to pass.

♪♪

Now it's number three, Professor Pat Pending

moving in the first and right behind him

neck to neck for second place

are number five, the lovely Penelope Pitstop,

and number two, the Creepy Coupe.

And oh-oh, we forgot Double Zero, the bad-news twins

Can't you stand still, Muttley? I'm trying to focus.

[muttering]

Quiet!

Time for operation "Road Block."

♪♪

Time to spring into action.

Thud

[sniggering]

[narrator] Back to our radarscope as the Wacky Racers

snake along the bank of the Snake River

with number seven in first place

number nine in second place. And now

splashing into the lead is number ten, Rufus Ruff Cut

as the race heads toward the ghost town of Spookane.

Shee! Morris if you'll pardon the expression

this town's as dead as a doornail.

Yeah! I'd be bored out

of my skull, if I had a skull.

[laughing]

That ghost town looks like a good place

for a little dastardly dirty work.

[laughing]

"Free Koo Koo Kola." That gets them every time.

Come on.

Try these one for size, Muttley.

We'll spook them out of the race.

[laughing]

[sniggering]

[blabbering]

Okay.

As long as it's free, let's go in.

Here come our first customers, Muttley.

Let's spook them.

[screaming]

Yike! Ghosts!

[laughing]

Say, that was pretty good.

Thank you. I thought we were pretty good myself.

However, you should have made it a little scarier.

Like this.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[laughing]

[gibberish]

Kola.

[gibberish]

[gulping]

♪♪

[screaming]

[screaming]

[laughing]

Is there a little old mirror

where little old me can freshen up?

[gasps]

Smack

[laughing]

[screaming]

What's wrong, Penelope?

Ghosts!

Ghosts? Where?

Right here.

[laughing]

[narrator] Now, it's number six, the Army Surplus Special

roaring across country toward Spookane.

And right behind him is number ten, the Buzz Wagon.

Followed by that solid-rock Boulder mobile.

Out of gas, but not out of the race

is number seven, the Anthill Mob.

Stroke, stroke, stroke.

[narrator] And here comes the Buzz Wagon again.

Timber!

[laughing]

[narrator] And now, burning up the road and leading the pack

is the Creepy Coupe, using dragon jet power.

Let's cool it, my little friend.

Oh, boy! Here comes another one.

Let's let them have it as soon as they come in.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[narrator] As the Wacky Racers leave Spookane behind

it's number five, Penelope Pitstop

with a comfortable lead. So, she relaxes...

...under the hairdryer.

Off the road, it's Red Max in number four

and he's having starting trouble.

♪♪

And there goes number four back in the running.

Speaking of trouble, it looks like

Dick Dastardly's up to some.

Right. He-he-he!

This solid steel phony landscape will slow this

Wacky Race down for good.

Right, Muttley?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

It's number nine, that perfect Peter Perfect.

Duck.

It can't be.

♪♪

[sniggering]

[narrator] All the drivers are jockeying for a position.

Hey, it looks like Professor Pat Pending

is going to invent another move.

♪♪

Professor Pat Pending rockets past the Red Max.

He jets past the Anthill Mob.

Look out!

I'm looking, I'm looking. Oh, my!

[narrator] The Slag Brothers are hogging the road.

Looks like a tough break for the Slag Brothers.

No. Wait a minute. They're still in the race.

And now, the Arkansas chugga-Bug breezes past

the Army Surplus Special.

- Ah! Shoot! - Shoot?

[narrator] Dick Dastardly is using one dog power

as he tries to move back into first.

[muttering]

[narrator] Number two, the Gruesomes, are in the lead, but

number five, Penelope Pitstop

is creeping up on the Creepy Coupe.

They're racing for the checkered flag now

and it's gonna be close. Penelope is pulling ahead

but here comes Dick Dastardly

with a last-minute burst of speed.

And it looks as if Dick Dastardly won

with number five, second and number two, third.

But wait a minute.

The judges have asked to see a slow motion

instant replay of the finish.

Oh-oh! Notice the front of Dastardly's car.

Dick Dastardly has been disqualified for...

...stretching a point. And the winner is number five

the lovely Penelope Pitstop.

Second, the Creepy Coupe.

Third, Rufus Ruff Cut.

Drat, drat and a double drat!

[sniggering]

[muttering]

[screaming]

[sniggering]

[narrator] And they're off again. The Wacky Race goes on and on.

Each driver determined to win, maneuvering for position

looking for the opening that will put him in the lead.

The Ant Hill Mob uses getaway power.

Red Max of the Crimson Haybailer makes his move.

The Arkansas chugga-bug uses jet power.

And The Creepy Coupe pours it on with dragon power.

Oh, it's gonna be a great race, folks.

Hey, wait a minute.

Stop!

This race starts next week.

Next week?

That means I'll get a good start on the others.

Drat! Drat! And a double drat!