Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN ON P.A.] WELCOME TO FLIGHT 238 FROM PHOENIX.

PLEASE PICK UP YOUR LUGGAGE FROM BAGGAGE CLAIM THREE.

COME ON. THIS IS GONNA BE PERFECT.

YOU GET THE BAGS. I'LL SCOPE THE PLACE OUT.

[CLICKS]

OH, I'M SORRY.

THAT'S MINE.

NO.

COME ON, MAN.

COME ON, DUDE.

[CROWD GASPS]

[CHUCKLING]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

[DEAN] COME ON, COME ON!

I HAVEN'T POSTED ANYTHING ALL DAY!

OKAY.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING OVER THERE?

JUST HUMILIATING MYSELF

IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE CROSS SECTION OF PHOENIX.

THIS... IS OUR FIRST WEDDING POST.

[CLICKS]

WHAT? WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS? WE'RE HERE. NIAGARA FALLS.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED HERE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

YEAH. COME ON. WE GOTTA GET GOING

OR WE'RE GONNA MISS THE FREE SHUTTLE.

GROUND TRANSPORTATION INCLUDED.

-YEAH. -HM. VERY NICE.

THAT QUEERPON PACKAGE YOU BOOKED IS AMAZING.

-THANK YOU. OKAY, ONE MORE. -ALL RIGHT.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

LET'S PARTY.

HEY, LET US PARTY!

COME ON.

COME ON.

HEAD TO THE HILLS, BABY. HEAD TO THE HILLS.

...POWER INVESTED IN ME BY THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK,

I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU-- IS IT "INVESTED"?

MY GOD, I SHOULD HAVE VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE.

POWER INVESTED-- POWER VESTED.

REALLY? I DON'T KNOW YET?

UP, UP, UP, UP, UP. UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.

GRANDPA, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PROUD.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

DO I SMELL C.K. ONE?

YEP. YEP, I THINK SO.

YOU LIKE IT?

UM, YES, IT'S-- IT'S VERY NICE.

WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?

IT'S KIND OF COOL, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, IN A 1995 SORT OF WAY.

-WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT? -WHAT?

ARE THOSE THE MAGICAL MISTS OF THE FALLS OR HAS MY VISION BECOME

A PERMANENT FRENCH IMPRESSIONIST PAINTING?

[RADIO CRACKLES]

[SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING]

THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING NIAGARA FALLS FOR OUR WEDDING.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN A MINISTER AND A PASTOR

AND A RABBI--

OH, AND A KAY'S JEWELRY SALESMAN.

AND RARELY HAVE I SEE TWO WOM--

PEOPLE-- UH, TWO WOM-- PEOPLE--

WOM-PEOPLE MORE IN LOVE THAN YOU... MAYA?

RUSSELL.

RUSSELL. RUSSELL AND MAYA.

I'M JUST SO CAUGHT UP IN THE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE HERE

AND EXPRESSED TODAY, I--

IT'S A L-- IT'S A L--

GET THE MUSIC AND THE RICE READY.

UH, WHITE RICE OR BROWN RICE?

WHITE RICE. THE BROWN RICE IS FOR THE DINNER THEY REQUESTED.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE.

[TRUCK HORN BLARES]

WHAT'S HAPPENING? UM, WHY ARE WE DRIVING AWAY FROM THE FALLS?

EXCUSE ME, DRIVER.

SIR, ARE WE GOING THE WRONG WAY?

TELL YOU MORE THERE. WE ARE CLOSE.

WE ARE STAYING IN NIAGARA FALLS?

YEAH, NIAGARA FALLS. ALMOST THERE.

NO WORRY.

DARREN, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO

WHEN NONE OF THIS COULD'VE BEEN POSSIBLE,

ESPECIALLY IN MY GRANDFATHER'S ERA WHEN HE BUILT THIS PLACE.

BUT HERE WE ARE.

SO, WITH THE POWER INVESTED IN ME

FROM THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK,

I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU...

OH, BOY. UH...

MAN AND, UH, W--

YOU KNOW, WE PROBABLY SHOULD'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFOREHAND.

WE GOT A NEW FORM WE'RE WORKING OUT,

A LITTLE CHECKLIST THING,

BUT SOMEBODY HAD TO GO FIRST, AND YOU GUYS...

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST SAY, LIKE, HUSBAND AND WIFE IF--

-THE MARRIED COUPLE! -[CHEERING]

[BACKFIRES]

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

-CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR BAG PLEASE? -NO, NO.

OH, OKAY.

WHAT THE HELL?

DARREN! NAH, THIS MUST BE A MISTAKE.

DARREN, TELL ME THIS IS A MISTAKE.

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

TWO MEN. TWO MEN.

HEY, LOOK, IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT WE THOUGHT.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IN ITS OWN WAY, IT'S--

OH, MY GOD, IS THAT A CHEMICAL PLANT?

WHAT IS SPEWING OUT OF THOSE SMOKESTACKS? DARREN!

-I... -DARREN!

[CHEERING]

WELCOME TO THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.

I'M SHIBBAWITZ. CAN I TAKE YOU TO YOUR ROOM?

COME ON. THIS WAY PLEASE.

IT'S SHIBBAWITZ.

[HEAVY ACCENT] TWO MEN!

TWO MEN!

SO YOU GUYS ARE NEXT. OH!

AREN'T THEY A BEAUTIFUL COUPLE? LOOK AT THAT.

LET ME ASK YOU, ARE THOSE MUTTONCHOPS?

WELL, ALL THE WAY FROM PHOENIX. INCREDIBLE.

I GOT YOU IN THE ROCK HUDSON ROOM.

IT'S GOT IT'S OWN HEART-SHAPED VALENTINE BED.

-[GRUNTING] -[METAL CREAKING]

YEAH, AND DON'T FORGET TO VISIT OUR SUNDRIES SHOP.

WE'VE GOT FACE CREAMS AND CONDITIONERS

AND TUBS AND TUBS OF VASELINE.

OKAY, SO I WANT YOU TO ENJOY YOUR STAY,

TIM'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU,

AND HAVE A GREAT TIME.

WHAT IS THIS? THIS HAS TO BE A MISTAKE.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BIGGEST DAY OF MY--

OUR LIFE. WE HAVE PEOPLE COMING.

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

[COUGHING]

I THINK I'M BREATHING IN BENZENE.

YOU DON'T KNOW IT'S BENZENE. IT'S PROBABLY JUST STEAM.

I'M A DETOX FITNESS COUNSELOR, DARREN. I KNOW MY BODY,

AND I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE A FULL ON BONG HIT

FROM A SMOKESTACK TO KNOW WHAT'S KILLING ME.

LISTEN, I'M TALKING SMOKESTACKS--

I'M TALKING SMOKESTACKS ON OUR WEDDING.

HI. THAT'S YOUR ROOM.

YOU LIKE COLOR TV?

WOW. THEY ARE AWARE THAT GAY PEOPLE SLEEP TOGETHER, RIGHT?

MAYBE IT'S A PART OF THE JANE SEYMOUR OPEN HEART COLLECTION.

MORE LIKE THE ROCK HUDSON CLOSETED COLLECTION.

WOW!

ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING AT THIS?

I HATE TO SAY IT,

BUT THIS IS THE EXACT "AESTHETIC FROM BRANSON" PUB

THAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR, ISN'T IT?

-IT'S COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC. -WHAT?

THERE'S NOT A PLACE WITHIN 2,000 MILES OF PHOENIX

-THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS. -THANK GOD!

EVERYONE WANTS TO CAPTURE THIS MID-CENTURY INDUSTRIAL LOOK,

AND WE'RE IN ITS EPICENTER.

YOU'RE NOT DEFENDING THIS PLACE.

NO, I'M JUST MAKING A COMMENT.

DARREN, DARREN,

THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?

[COUGHS] RIGHT?

LOOK AT THE WAY THE PIPES WIND AROUND.

THAT'S NEVER CAPTURED.

THERE'S EVEN BEAUTY TO ITS STRANGE DESOLATION.

YOU ARE SO FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

I'M A DESIGNER, DEAN.

YOU'VE GOTTA LET GO OF ALL THE NEGATIVE CONNECTIONS

THAT EVERYONE'S LAPPED ON IT.

WHAT, LIKE CANCER, HOPELESSNESS, DEATH?

LIKE BOLDNESS, LIKE PROGRESS, INNOVATION.

THESE ARE NOT REMNANTS OF DESPAIR,

BUT RELICS OF ONE OF THE GREATEST CENTURIES IN HUMAN HISTORY.

-OH, MY GOD! -WHAT?

MY PEE IS DAY-GLO YELLOW.

LIKE AFTER YOU TAKE A TON OF VITAMINS,

BUT I HAVEN'T TAKEN ANY VITAMINS!

IT'S THIS AIR AND THIS WATER

THIS ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!

[GASPS]

LOOK. IT'S THERE.

I'M NOT LOOKING.

BELIEVE ME, SMELLING IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.

IS THAT THE QUEERPON PRINTOUT?

-NO. -I'M FIXING THIS.

THIS IS COMPLETELY INACCURATE.

WHERE ARE THE MAGICAL MISTS? WHERE ARE THE THUNDERING RAPIDS?

I'M SO SORRY.

ANOTHER ROOM?

ANOTHER ROOM-- [COUGHING]

ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE.

WE UPGRADE. BRAND NEW ROOM.

BETTER VIEW. YES.

BETTER VIEW OF WHAT?

THE TOXIC SLUDGE PIT OUTSIDE?

I DEMAND A FULL REFUND. WHERE'S NIAGARA FALLS?

AH!

THIS IS NIAGARA FALLS.

IT'S ACTUALLY THE CITY OF NIAGARA FALLS.

YES, UH, HERE.

YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.

STUNNING NIAGARA FALLS,

ONE OF THE EARLY GREAT INDUSTRIAL CITIES OF AMERICA.

ALL POWERED BY NIKOLA TESLA'S IMAGINATION AND DEDICATION

TO HARNESSING THE GREAT, MIGHTY NIAGARA

TO POWER THE INDUSTRIAL MONUMENTS

THAT COMPRISE THE STUNNING VIEWS

OF THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.

IT IS GLORIOUS.

WHERE ARE YOU READING THAT?

-RIGHT HERE. -OH, ON THE SIDE MARGIN.

NO ONE ACCEPTS THAT AS VALID, FUNCTIONAL ONLINE REAL ESTATE.

MY IPAD CAN'T EVEN READ THAT.

I ASSURE YOU, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A WONDERFUL WEDDING.

I GIVE YOU MY WORD.

OUT BED APPEARS TO BE CUT IN HALF.

I'M TALKING TO SAYA RIGHT NOW. HE'S GONNA FIX IT.

YOU KNOW, LOOK, HE'S AN OLD MAN.

HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND, AND HE WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYTHING?

HE SEES TWO MEN. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND LIKE THE OTHERS.

LIKE THE DRIVER AND HIS '90S DISCO BALL LASER PRIDE SHOW.

REALLY, YOU DIDN'T-- YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT, HUH?

EXCUSE ME, I HATE TO BOTHER YOU BOTH,

BUT OUR REFRIGERATOR IN OUR ROOM ISN'T WORKING

AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT THIS STAYS COLD.

IT'S MY MEDICINE.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM. WE'LL JUST PUT THIS IN THE BACK OFFICE FRIDGE,

AND YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD.

RIGHT, UH-- OH.

INTRODUCE US, PLEASE.

OH, THIS IS, UM...

-DEAN. -RUSSELL.

WE'RE BOTH SO HAPPY.

THANK YOU. IT WAS PERFECT.

DON'T FORGET TO GIVE US A BIG HIGH RANKING ON QUEERPON.

WE'RE HAVING OUR RECEPTION PARTY TOMORROW.

COULD ALWAYS USE A FEW MORE BODIES.

SHOULD WE PAY THE BALANCE NOW?

NO PROBLEM. YEAH.

YEAH, WELL, I'M GONNA COME BACK LATER.

YOU KNOW, I COULD ALWAYS UPGRADE YOU TO THE FATHER OF THE BRADY BUNCH ROOM.

I AM TELLING YOU, IT'S SPECTACULAR.

IT'S A GREAT CORNER VIEW.

THIS TIME OF YEAR, PEOPLE ARE REQUEST IT ALL THE TIME.

HONEY, I'M HOME.

WELL, I FAILED. NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO GET US OUT OF HERE.

OH, GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU ARE NOT UNPACKING.

NO. NO, BUT...

I DO HAVE THE DESIGN FOR THE PUB.

-LOOK. -OH, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT A SHITHOLE.

THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO THIS INDUSTRIAL LOOK

THAN EXPOSED AIR DUCTS AND BRICK.

LOOK AT THESE LARGE JOINTS,

THE DIFFERENT PIPES THAT JOIN EVERYTHING TOGETHER,

THE VARIOUS METALLIC SHADES.

OH, MY BRAIN IS FIRING OFF.

I'M GLAD THAT YOU GOT ALL THIS CREATIVE INSPIRATION

FROM THAT GIANT MESS OUT THERE,

BUT WE ARE NOT STAYING HERE.

MMM.

REALLY? HELLO. HELLO. JUST--

OH, NO, DON'T-- YOU'RE GONNA RIP IT.

-DARREN-- OKAY. -OKAY, OKAY.

YOU NEED TO LOOK AT IT. CAN'T YOU SEE IT?

I CARE MORE ABOUT THE LOOK OF OUR WEDDING,

NOT WHAT A BUNCH OF DRUNKEN PHOENIX HIPSTERS THINK

AS THEY TRY TO GET THEIR BODY TEMPERATURE

DOWN TO A COMFORTABLE 107.

ALL RIGHT, WOW. OKAY.

-WOW. -WHAT?

-WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? -NOTHING. NOTHING.

NO, WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY?

IT'S JUST, YOU'D THINK YOU'D GET SOME ARTISTIC BENEFITS MARRYING A GAY MAN.

WELL, WE'RE GONNA GO THERE.

HOW DARE YOU QUESTION A GAY BONE IN MY BODY?

HUH.

YOU BOOKED OUR WEDDING

IN SOME RUNDOWN MOTOR LODGE

IN A FORGOTTEN BLUE COLLAR FREAK SHOW.

AND YOU ARE GOING TO UNBOOK IT...

NOW.

-FINE. -THANK YOU.

DEAN.

HERE, THE CRAZY CLOWN COMB IS ONLY 12 MORE TICKETS.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

HERE, I BROUGHT YOU A SCREWDRIVER.

HERE. HERE YOU GO.

REALLY? WHAT? WHAT? THEY SNAP TOGETHER? WHAT?

TWO WORDS. JACK, HAMMER.

JACKHAMMER. YOU WANT A JACKHAMMER.

SOUNDS LIKE... ALL RIGHT, I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, HURRY IT UP.

A TEA PARTY CONVENTION, DARREN,

AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I TRUSTED YOU-- I TRUSTED YOU WITH BOOKING OUR WEDDING.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

MAYBE IF YOU WOULD LET ME WATCH FOX NEWS ONCE IN A BLUE MOON,

I'D BE UP ON THESE SORT OF THINGS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I DON'T MEAN WATCHING HANNITY ALL NIGHT LONG,

BUT CAVUTO'S NOT THAT BAD.

OKAY, FINE. YOU KNOW, I HATE FOX NEWS.

BUT I LIKE ANDERSON COOPER...

HOW DID YOU GET SNOOKERED INTO THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I SAW THE CRAZY LOW PACKAGE PRICE,

AND I GOT ALL EXCITED.

YOU WERE SHOPPING FOR OUR WEDDING

LIKE YOU WERE TRYING TO BUY A CHARGER CORD ON EBAY.

NO, I WAS WATCHING SOMETHING,

AND SUDDENLY SOMETHING CAUGHT MY EYE,

AND I JUST STARTED CLICKING ON IT.

YOU KNOW, DEAN, SHIT HAPPENS.

NO, SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN, DARREN.

NOT ON YOUR WEDDING. IT JUST DOESN'T.

DEAN.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO SELL ANY BARRELS, WOULD YOU?

YOU KNOW, FOR A MAN, OH, I DON'T KNOW, ABOUT MY SIZE?

NO? YOU SHOULD REALLY CONSIDER IT.

WHAT'S WITH THE COT?

DOES HE KNOW? DID YOU TELL HIM THAT--

THAT THERE'S GAY MEN SLEEPING TOGETHER HERE?

DOES HE KNOW? DID YOU TELL HIM?

-[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE] -DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT...

NO, NO. [SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE]

THEN WHY DOES HE THINK HE'S PUTTING THE BED BACK TOGETHER?

SHE CAN'T TELL HIM.

WHAT? KHIN, KHIN, HE'S GONNA FIND OUT EVENTUALLY, RIGHT?

THE WOMAN FROM THE AGENCY'S COMING TOMORROW. THE AGENCY?

SHE'S GONNA APPROVE OUR EXTENSION.

WE CAN'T LOSE GUESTS.

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

[SHIBBAWITZ] WHAT?

PROBLEM. WE CAN'T TELL HIM.

OH, GOD. I--

HMM.

GREAT.

OH... MY... GOD.

[DARREN] IT'S AMAZING.

IT'S MAGNIFICENT.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE CAN MAKE IT WORK, HUH? IN AN IRONIC WAY, RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

JUST GO WITH IT

AND FIND A SHUTTLE TO TAKE US HERE.

YEAH, WE COULD DO THIS.

WE'RE GAY. YOU'RE RIGHT.

DIDN'T WE INVENT CULTURAL IRONY?

EXACTLY.

I MEAN, IF ANDY WARHOL CAN MAKE AN ORDINARY OLD SOUP CAN

-INTO AN INTERNATIONAL SENSATION... -YES.

IF ANDY COHEN CAN TAKE DESPICABLE, SPOILED HOUSEWIVES

AND TURN IT INTO DELICIOUS ENTERTAINMENT...

WOW, I NEVER REALIZED HOW GAY THE NAME ANDY WAS.

I GET IT.

WE'RE JUST A COUPLE QUEERS GETTING MARRIED.

-IT'S ALL GOOD. -IT'S GREAT.

APPARENTLY...

NOT GAY ENOUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING.

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE--

YOU'RE EMBARRASSED.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

YOU'RE LOOKING AROUND TO SEE IF IT'S OKAY.

YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW THAT LOOK?

IT'S THE ONLY LOOK I KNOW.

THERE'S ABOUT A THOUSAND VERSIONS OF IT.

OH, BARREL, BARREL.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A BARREL?

OH, MAYBE I CAN GO DOWN TO THE CAN JAM.

JOKE ALL YOU WANT, BUT I KNOW WHAT I SAW.

I WAS JUST BEING MINDFUL.

MINDFUL OF WHAT?

IF THE WORLD WILL ACCEPT US?

THERE'S A CONVENTION GOING ON.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH...

TO BE AN ANDY.

HOW ABOUT AN ANDY DICK?

HELLO. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

OH, IT'S PROBABLY NOT BEST TO BE AN ANDY RIGHT NOW.

MORE LIKE A BUCK OR A RAMBO.

PLEASE, THOSE NAMES ARE GAYER THAN ANDY.

-HA, HA! -HI.

UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WHAT LIES BEFORE YOU

IS NOT AN EXAMPLE OF THE DECLINE

OF YOUR BELOVED AMERICA.

BUT I RESPECTIVELY OFFER

THAT WHAT LIES BEFORE YOU IS THE ULTIMATE

EXAMPLE OF AMERICAN PROGRESS AND LIBERTY.

CAN THERE BE ANYTHING MORE DEMONSTRATIVE

OF AMERICAN FREEDOM THAN TWO MEN

OPENLY EXPRESSING THEIR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER

WITHOUT THE FEAR OF GETTING KILLED?

OR MAIMED.

OKAY, ON THE COUNT OF THREE...

[SLOW CLAPPING]

-THANK YOU. THANK YOU. -THANK YOU!

-WHOO, WHOO, WHOO! -HUH.

AND WE'RE GETTING MARRIED ON SUNDAY!

[CROWD GASPS]

AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED. SHIT.

[GRUMBLING]

AND, UH, THREE. RUN.

[LAUGHING]

YES.

OKAY, CAN YOU TAKE A PEEK UP THERE,

JUST FOR ME? I'LL LIFT YOU UP?

-JUST A QUICK PEEK. -IS THAT OKAY?

NO, IT'S NOT OKAY. DON'T EVER DO THIS.

BUT WE HAVE A WEDDING TO PUT ON RIGHT?

AND I GOTTA KNOW IF THEY CAME BACK,

SO COME ON. I'LL LIFT YOU.

PUT THIS AWAY.

HERE. HERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT, READY?

-[GRUNTS] -[BACK CRACKS]

UNH! WHAT DO YOU SEE?

I SEE TWO MEN.

REALLY? OKAY, I'M LETTING YOU DOWN.

THEY'RE NAKED ON THE BED.

REALLY? WELL, I'M LETTING YOU DOWN.

WAIT, WAIT. ONE SECOND. THEY'RE SPOONING.

-GET DOWN. -[THUD]

GO, GO, GO. JUST GO.

GOOD MORNING, DARREN.

DEAN-- DARREN.

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?

-I WAS GONNA SLIP THIS UNDER YOUR DOOR. -OH.

THIS IS THE PLAYLIST FOR THE WEDDING RECEPTION.

YEAH, THERE WE MAKE SOME SUGGESTIONS OF SONGS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,

BOBBY GOLDSBORO, "LAST DANCE." HIS COVER.

YOU CAN'T-- I'M TELLING YOU,

WHEN YOU HEAR IT, THERE'S A QUALITY.

AND THEN THERE'S STUFF FOR CONTEMPORARY STUFF,

RIGHT? YOU KNOW? LIKE "BEYONCE" RIGHT THERE.

OKAY. GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.

[DEAN] MY PEE IS STILL GLOW IN THE DARK.

AND I'M TRUSTING YOU, DARREN.

DEAN? DEAN, COME HERE. IT'S SHIBBAWITZ.

OH, HELLO. WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, I JUST DECIDED THAT I AM GOING TO THROW IN

AN UPGRADE FOR YOU BOTH--

THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO THE RAINBOW BRIDGE JACUZZI.

GIVE YOU GUYS A CHANCE

TO KIND OF BE FLAM... BOUYANT.

DO YOU WANT SOME?

NO, NO.

GREAT. MORE FOR ME.

SO, YOU SIGN THIS HERE AND HERE,

AND THAT ALLOWS ME TO PERFORM THE CEREMONY.

I SEE THAT YOU BOTH CHECKED NONDENOMINATIONAL CEREMONY,

SO I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO PUT ON MY NONDENOMINATIONAL CAP.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING,

MAYBE WE COULD JUST HAVE, LIKE, A LITTLE SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT THE WHOLE THING TO BE DEVOID OF GOD.

SURE, I CAN THROW IN GOD REFERENCES ALL DAY, IF YOU LIKE.

GREAT. GREAT. VERY WELL.

I GOT THE PAPERS, YOUR MARRIAGE PAPERS BACK FROM THE STATE,

AND APPARENTLY THERE'S A GLITCH OF SORTS.

I'M SURE YOU GUYS HAD A CHANCE TO DISCUSS THIS BY NOW.

DISCUSS WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW. WHAT?

-I THOUGHT YOU KNEW. -NO.

REALLY? YOU HAVEN'T GONE OVER THIS?

[DEAN] WHAT IS IT?

DARREN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

REALLY? OKAY. WELL--

OH. OH, SHIT.

WHAT? IS SOMEBODY GOING TO CLUE ME IN?

WHAT, ARE YOU A RUSSIAN SLEEPER AGENT? A PISCES?

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER?

NO, BUT I MIGHT AS WELL BE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, HOW SHOULD WE PUT THIS?

DARREN IS MARRIED.

WHA--

YOU'RE MAR-- WHAT?

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN, YOU SON OF A BITCH?

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A BIG DEAL.

OKAY, LISTEN, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

IT WAS TO A WOMAN.

ACTUALLY, YEAH. A MAGGIE SMITH.

OH, AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?

-NO-- -IT'S SHOWING UP THAT THE DIVORCE

HASN'T BEEN OFFICIALLY TERMINATED,

SO MAGGIE JUST HAS TO COME

AND SIGN A LITTLE DOCUMENT HERE,

AND EVERYTHING CAN GO BACK LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.

OKAY, SEE? SEE? LOOK.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, DEAN.

I THOUGHT THAT SHE WOULD'VE SIGNED THE DAMN THINGS

AND SENT THEM IN. I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT.

YOU FORGOT ABOUT IT? YOU FORGOT THAT YOU WERE STILL MARRIED?

NO, I DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.

-JUST GIVE US A SECOND. -OKAY, SURE.

LOOK, AFTER THE MARRIAGE FAILED,

I JUST WENT ON WITH MY LIFE, YOU KNOW, AS A GAY MAN.

AND I CAME TO ACCEPT THE HARSH REALITY

THAT I WOULD PROBABLY NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN.

GUYS, IF YOU CAN REMEMBER, IT WAS JUST A SHORT TIME AGO

THAT IT WAS UNIMAGINABLE FOR TWO MEN TO GET MARRIED.

OH, DON'T USE THAT CARD.

I AM USING THAT CARD BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

-AND, LOOK, I JUST-- -WHO-- WHAT ARE YOU?

I'M THE SAME GUY I WAS FIVE MINUTES AGO, DEAN.

AND WHAT IS THAT?

BI, CLOSETED STRAIGHT, A LIAR.

OKAY, STOP IT. STOP IT. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

YEAH, OKAY, WELL, WHAT DARREN IS SAYING

IS THAT HE'S A COMMITTED GAY MAN AND, UH--

WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

IT ONLY LASTED TWO YEARS. WE WERE YOUNG.

I MEAN, SHE WAS NICE,

BUT IT WAS COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS AND WRONG.

NO, THE WEDDING.

I ASSUME YOU HAD A WEDDING.

YEAH, IT WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE,

PERFUNCTORY RELIGIOUS SYMBOLISM,

TON OF FOOD,

YOU KNOW, IT WAS A-- A REAL WEDDING.

[SHIBBAWITZ] A REAL WEDDING.

AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, A "REAL" WEDDING?

WHAT IS THIS?

-[HORN HONKS] -OH, LOOK!

YOUR FRIENDS HAVE ARRIVED.

HEY, GUYS. GUYS, COME ON.

THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT WEDDING.

DEAN, I WILL CALL MAGGIE.

I WILL MAKE SURE THAT SHE SIGNS THE PAPERS.

IT'LL BE GREAT. IT'LL BE LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

A REAL WEDDING, HUH?

JUST WOW.

HOW AM I GONNA MAKE THIS CALL?

I LEFT HER. SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I'M GAY.

HOW AM I GONNA DO THIS?

LOVE FINDS A WAY.

A WOMAN! YEAH!

-IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, BUT... -VERY BAD.

HEY, WAIT, YOU GUYS ARE NOT DOWN ON DARREN, ARE YOU?

FOR WHAT? FOR REACHING INTO THOSE CHERRY TOMATOES AT THE SALAD BAR?

I MEAN, THE GUY'S BEEN THERE.

HE'S DONE THAT. THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU DON'T WANT HIM THINKING AND DOING AND QUESTIONING

AND GAY MIND-FUCKING YOUR MARRIAGE.

YOU WANT THAT IN YOUR PAST

BECAUSE YOU ARE HIS FUTURE NOW.

NAMASTE.

BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S DONE EXPERIMENTING?

I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.

I JUST HAVE A BIGGER SALAD BAR.

MORE LIKE A VEGAS BUFFET.

JUST AS LONG AS THEY KEEP ON BRINGING OUT

THOSE BREAKFAST SAUSAGES...

HEY, YOU GUYS WANNA JOIN THE PARTY?

-YOU'RE ALL WELCOME. -[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

GO AHEAD INSIDE NOW. PARTY!

SOUNDS GOOD, MY BROTHER.

MORE LIKE HALF-BROTHER.

BUT STILL PART OF THAT GLORIOUS RAINBOW.

COME ON, PEOPLE, NOW!

YEAH, THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.

WOW. I'M NOT SURE MY HEALTH INSURANCE

-COVERS ME FOR THIS WEDDING. -OKAY.

[DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES]

-HELLO, MAGGIE? -[ALARM BLARES]

HI, IT'S DARREN.

DARREN.

UH, DARREN YOUR FORMER HUSBAND DARREN.

YEAH.

WELL, I-- I'M DOING.

I'M DOING. HOW ABOUT YOU?

HELLO?

I GOT SOME INTERFERENCE. HOLD ON.

IS THAT BETTER?

GREAT, GREAT.

OH, HI, MAGGIE--

-[SQUELCHING] -[GRUNTS]

OH, GOD!

NO, NO, NO, DON'T HANG UP.

[SHIBBAWITZ] WHAT?

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN EASY JOB.

YOU SAID NO PROBLEM.

THIS IS THE ROCK HUDSON UPGRADE.

HE JUST WANTED TO TAKE IT APART

TO FIND THE CLOG IN THE PIPE.

HE WANTS TO KNOW THE LAST TIME IT WAS WORKING.

I DON'T KNOW.

IT JUST, LIKE, FROZE UP DURING IN THE BLIZZARD OF '77,

AND I DON'T THINK IT EVER MELTED INSIDE.

-[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE] -DON'T TELL HIM THAT!

EVEN THOUGH I THINK THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED.

WHAT IS HE-- IS HE--

AT LEAST I GOT THE YEAR RIGHT.

TO THE GAY MARRIED LIFE!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

RUSSELL, MAYA...

LET'S ALL GROW OLD TOGETHER.

-YEAH. -YES. LET'S!

DOES THIS EVEN COUNT AS A GAY WEDDING?

I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, AREN'T THEY A HETEROSEXUAL COUPLE?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

I'M JUST SAYING, TECHNICALLY THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT

FOR THE SUPREME COURT RULING,

ONLY UNTIL RUSSELL'S HORMONES KICKED IN.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE THE "T" OUT OF LGBT, HUH?

-THANK YOU. -OOH, NOW, THAT WOULDN'T BE VERY NICE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS, TALK TO DARREN,

FIND OUT IF OUR WEDDING IS REAL.

IF YOU ASK ME, HE PLAYS IT A LITTLE TOO STRAIGHT

TO BE ON OUR SIDE OF THE FIELD.

I MEAN, NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I MEAN, I KIND OF LIKE THEM LIKE THAT, TOO,

BUT TO MARRY?

YOU BE CAREFUL.

OOH, OOH! OOH, OOH!

OOH, OOH! OOH, OOH!

-[MUSIC CONTINUES, MUTED] -SO, I'VE DECIDED--

[DARREN] I HAVE TO GET IN THE SHOWER.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME THAT WE HAVE A REAL WEDDING.

-DEAN, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW. -WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER.

-NO-- -RIGHT NOW.

NO, YOU NEED TO HEAR ME.

I CAN'T.

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

-WHAT-- IS THAT YOU? -YES, IT'S ME. OKAY?

AMAZINGLY, ONE OF YOUR TOXIC PARANOID FANTASIES

HAS ACTUALLY MATERIALIZED...

ALL OVER ME,

AND I HAVE TO GET IN THE SHOWER.

RIGHT NOW.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT MAGGIE'S AGREED

TO SIGN THE PAPERS AND DRIVE UP.

-REALLY? -YEAH.

SHE JUST NEVER REMARRIED, SO SHE NEVER SENT THEM IN.

-SHE'LL SIGN EVERYTHING. -WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WAS?

MY CHARM. BEING NICE.

NO, THE HORRIBLE LIQUID ON YOU. WHAT IS IT?

SOME SORT OF SLUDGE. IT SEEMS TO BE COMING OFF.

I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE IS KILLING US!

WHERE DID IT COME FROM? OUT OF THE JACUZZI?

UP FROM THE CRACKS IN THE SIDEWALK?

-OH, NO, NOT THE BED. -[ALARM BLARES]

THERE'S BEEN A SPILL AT THE CHEMICAL PLANT!

WE'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE NOW!

STOP IT! IT'S ALMOST ALL OFF.

I WAS TRYING TO GET RECEPTION AND PRIVACY AND AWAY FROM THE MUSIC,

AND SOMEHOW I WALKED OUT THERE.

RELAX, I WAS, LIKE, A HUNDRED YARDS FROM THE MOTEL.

BELIEVE ME, NO ONE'S VENTURING OUT THERE.

-[PEOPLE CHEERING] -[MUSIC CONTINUES]

LIBERATE YOURSELF! NO FEAR!

-[CHEERING] -[MUSIC CONTINUES]

UP, UP, UP, UP, UP. UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.

MY GOD.

TAKE THIS.

I BELIEVE THERE'S A MISTAKE HERE.

IS THERE ANOTHER RAINBOW BRIDGE HOTEL

OR RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.

OUR GPS BROUGHT US HERE.

I MEAN, WE KNOW THAT THERE'S AN ACTUAL RAINBOW BRIDGE,

BUT THIS CANNOT POSSIBLY BE IT.

WELCOME TO THE ONE AND ONLY RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.

AND YOU TWO MUST BE DEAN--

DARREN'S PARENTS. AM I RIGHT?

-DARREN'S? ARE-- -THIS IS IT?

JUST ONE SECOND.

THEY'RE ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE THE NEW RECRUITS FOR NEXT YEAR.

-[RADIO CHATTER] -TAKE THAT THING OFF NOW!

-THIS IS YOUR SON'S WEDDING! -IN A SECOND!

THEY'RE GONNA NAME THE NEW QUARTERBACK.

DON'T YOU CARE? IT'S THE QUARTERBACK.

THIS COULD DETERMINE THE FATE OF THE BUCKEYES

FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS!

-YOU ARE SICK. -WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S A MIRACLE THAT I'M EVEN PICKING UP COLUMBUS

RIGHT ON THE BORDER OF CANADA.

HE SAYS THIS IS THE PLACE.

OKAY, FINE. WHERE'S OUR ROOM?

HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN WHERE YOU ARE?

YEAH, IT'S A DUMP.

AT LEAST IT'S NOT COSTING US ANYTHING.

GIVE ME BACK THE HAT NOW!

HEY, THEY GOT MAZURSKY. THEY GOT MAZURSKY!

REALLY? I MISSED IT? I MISSED IT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED IT.

[RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES]

TRUTHFULLY, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.

YOUR GRAND OMISSION?

IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO STOMACH.

UGH, FINE.

I'M SORRY. BUT NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.

AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF'S JUST--

IT'S IN THE PAST.

I NEED A CROSS.

I NEED A REAL PRIEST AND A REAL CHURCH,

AND DARE I SAY IT, A REAL WEDDING.

WHAT? UM, REALLY?

NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID.

I THOUGHT THAT WE AGREED ON A NONRELIGIOUS CEREMONY.

WELL, THINGS HAVE CHANGED, HAVEN'T THEY?

AND WHAT DO YOU CARE?

A CROSS?

IT'S WHAT I NEED, DARREN.

WELL, MY MOM,

SHE'S GONNA FLIP OUT.

YOUR MOTHER?

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR MOTHER?

REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU YOU KNEW EVERYTHING?

OH, GOD.

SO, MY MOM, SHE THINKS THAT MY FAMILY,

THAT, UH-- THAT ME--

THAT WE ARE JEWISH.

-JEWISH? -IN HER MIND.

HER FATHER'S MOTHER WAS BORN JEWISH,

WHICH MAKES HER FATHER TECHNICALLY JEWISH,

AND IN THE REFORM TRADITION,

SHE CAN BE A JEW IF THE FATHER'S JEWISH,

WHICH MEANS SHE IS A JEW 'CAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE,

AND THAT'S OKAY ACCORDING TO THE REFORM WORLD,

WHICH MAKES ME JEWISH BECAUSE I HAVE A JEWISH MOTHER.

OKAY?

GROW SOME BALLS, DARREN.

THEY'VE DRIVEN VERY FAR TO GET HERE,

ALL THE WAY FROM COLUMBUS, OHIO,

AND THEY'RE STAYING HERE.

[DEAN] SO?

MY MOTHER JUST DROVE IN FROM OTTAWA, ONTARIO.

OH, I SEE.

YOU THINK YOUR FAMILY'S MAKING A BIGGER SACRIFICE

BECAUSE THEY'RE STAYING IN THE MOTEL 666,

SO WE SHOULD CATER TO THEM MORE.

WELL, MY MOTHER IS STAYING WITH HER WITCH OF AN AUNT JUDY

IN AN APARTMENT ABOVE A BURGER KING/FRANKENSTEIN FUNHOUSE COMBO

IN NIAGARA FALLS, ONTARIO.

SHE JUST TEXTED ME

AND SAID SHE ENTERED THE APARTMENT

THROUGH A GIANT WEDGE OF MELTED CHEESE.

IT'S PRETTY CLOSE.

LOOK, IT'S NOT THAT. OKAY?

IT TOOK MY MOTHER YEARS TO ACCEPT ME BEING GAY,

AND SHE'S JUST NOW COMING AROUND TO ACCEPTING ME MARRYING ANOTHER MAN,

AND SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE A GAY WEDDING

AND AN INTERFAITH WEDDING.

BUT I'M NOT JEWISH.

WE'RE ALREADY HAVING AN INTERFAITH WEDDING.

I KNOW, BUT NOT CALLING ATTENTION TO IT

SOMEHOW MAKES IT MORE PALATABLE.

THIS IS INSANE. HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

BECAUSE I KNOW! I GUESS I'M JUST JEWISH ENOUGH

TO KNOW WHAT OFFENDS A JEWISH MOTHER.

HOW DID YOU AND MAGGIE WORK AROUND THIS?

WELL, SHE AGREED TO BE JEWISH,

AND WE GOT MARRIED IN A TEMPLE WITH A RABBI.

IT WAS VERY LIGHT ON THE TRADITIONAL STUFF,

AND LIKE I SAID, IT HAD NO MEANING TO ME AT ALL.

WELL, I'M NOT AGREEING TO BEING JEWISH,

AND SINCE YOUR FAITH DOESN'T MEAN THAT MUCH TO YOU,

BUT MINE DOES TO ME, I HOPE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND

WHY I NEED A CROSS AND A JESUS AND A PRIEST, ESPECIALLY NOW.

I AM GETTING A CHURCH. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

OH, MY GOD, DEAN.

DEAN.

DEAN.

THE JACUZZI'S STILL NOT FIXED. WHAT HAPPENED?

WHY ARE YOU JUST--

WHY DOES HE JUST-- JUST--

HE WON'T TALK.

OH, MY GOD. PUT THAT AWAY! NO!

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

SHE SAY YOU ARE DEVIL MAN.

DEVIL MAN? SHE'S DRINKING THE HORMONE THERAPY!

-[CAR DOOR CLOSES] -OH, MY GOD,

IT'S THE LADY FROM THE AGENCY.

...WON'T LET HER HAVE ENERGY DRINK--

ENERGY DRINK? IT'S MEDICINE FOR ONE OF OUR GUESTS

TO HELP HIM GROW-- HER GROW A BEARD

OR SOME OTHER THING.

GIVE IT TO ME!

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

WHY DID I EAT THAT PIZZA?

-OKAY. -[DOORBELL RINGS]

UP, UP, UP, UP, UP. UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.

UP, UP, UP, UP, UP. UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.

[MUTTERING]

-[ALARM BLARES IN DISTANCE] -HI. CAN I HELP YOU?

YES, DOES THE TIN FAMILY MAKE THEIR RESIDENCE HERE?

-YES-- -HE DEVIL MAN.

JUST GO BACK.

JUST SOME NASTY SIDE EFFECTS FROM A DRUG ISSUE.

PLEASE!

-[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] -[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

SO I'VE DECIDED I WANNA GET MARRIED IN A CHURCH.

LISTEN TO YOU. TAKING CHARGE. I LIKE IT.

BUT THAT'S OF COURSE IF A CHURCH WILL HAVE YOUR QUEER ASS.

SHUT UP, BRADLEY.

LOOK WHO'S COME OUT.

THAT WAS QUICKER THAN A FRESHMAN IN THE NYU THEATER DEPARTMENT.

COME ON. YOU LOOK PRETTY.

-LET'S DO IT! -[CHATTERING]

IN JANUARY, YOU FILED WITH MR. TIN FOR AN EXTENSION

FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS OF HOUSING SUPPORT,

I ASSUME FOR THE TIN FAMILY.

YOU DON'T APPEAR TO BE

A POLITICAL REFUGEE FROM MYANMAR.

NO, I'M NOT. I JUST PROVIDE THEM HOUSING,

-AND THEN WE-- -IT SAYS MR. TIN IS YOUR PARTNER

IN AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE MOTEL?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT HERE,

AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL!

UH...

WE DON'T GIVE OUT EXTENSIONS.

AS YOU KNOW, SIX MONTHS IS THE LIMIT.

AND THAT IS WHY TIN AND I PARTNERED IN THE MOTEL.

SO, IN A SENSE, THE SIX-MONTH EXTENSION

WHERE HE PAYS ME THE RENT THAT YOU PROVIDE HIM

IS LIKE HIM BUYING INTO THE BUSINESS.

RIGHT? IT'S LIKE STARTUP CAPITAL.

THE FAMILY LIVES HERE, HELPS OUT AROUND THE MOTEL,

AND A CLASSIC NIAGARA FALLS LANDMARK

IS SAVED FROM THE EVER-PRESENT WRECKING BALL.

IT'S A WIN-WIN ALL AROUND.

THESE ARE POLITICAL REFUGEES, MR. SHIBBAWITZ,

FROM A THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY.

SOME OF THEM BARELY KNOW HOW TO FLUSH A TOILET.

MY GRANDFATHER WAS A POLITICAL REFUGEE,

AND HE STARTED THIS PLACE 80 YEARS AGO.

BELIEVE ME, MY BURMESE FAMILY

HAS THE SAME STREET SMARTS, DEDICATION,

AND WORK ETHIC THAT HE HAD.

DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THESE PEOPLE.

WE ARE ONTO SOMETHING HERE AT THE RAINBOW--

-A GAY MARRIAGE DESTINATION. REALLY, MR. SHIBBAWITZ? -ABSOLUTELY!

WE'VE TAILORED EVERYTHING TO THIS NEW EMERGING REALITY.

OH, LIKE THAT POSTER?

MORE LIKE THAT.

-HUH. YOU KNOW. -HMM.

[RADIO CHATTER]

SO THAT WAS QUITE A PLACE YOU CHOSE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE TOP RECRUIT ISN'T EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE A DESIGNER.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THAT'S WHAT YOU COME UP WITH FOR YOUR WEDDING, DARREN?

LEAVE HIM ALONE.

I DID GET TAKEN IN A LITTLE BIT BY AN ONLINE AD,

BUT IT'S NOT A COMPLETE LOSS.

THE PEOPLE ARE FRIENDLY,

AND IT DOES HAVE ITS OWN UNIQUE AESTHETIC.

AND WHAT'S THAT? EARLY APOCALYPSE?

MOM, YOU THINK HE DOESN'T KNOW?

HOW DO I KNOW WHAT HE KNOWS?

I THOUGHT HE WAS STRAIGHT

UNTIL THEY WHEELED ME IN FOR MY HIP SURGERY.

-THAT'S WHEN YOU TOLD MOM? -WELL, SHE WAS MUTTERING

THE COMBINATION OF THE SAFE

AND WHAT FONT SHE WANTED ON HER GRAVESTONE,

SO I JUST THOUGHT, "BETTER COME CLEAN."

WELL, IT WAS A VERY SELFISH ACT.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY ATIVANS THEY HAD TO GIVE ME

TO KNOCK ME OUT BEFORE THAT SURGERY

AFTER HEARING THAT?

FINALLY, THEY HAD TO INJECT ME WITH SODIUM PENTOTHAL

TO PUT ME IN A MEDICALLY-INDUCED COMA.

I WAS VOMITING FOR WEEKS.

SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

SWEETIE, WE DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.

YOU WERE AT COLLEGE TAKING YOUR LSATS, OKAY?

WELL, I APOLOGIZE... AGAIN.

BUT I'M NOT SURE IF THERE EVER WOULD'VE BEEN A GOOD TIME

TO TELL YOU.

IT'S ALL WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE.

LISTEN TO HIM. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW.

HE HASN'T STOPPED LISTENING TO THAT DAMN SPORTS HAT

SINCE I GAVE IT TO HIM FOR CHRISTMAS. YOU KNOW THAT?

SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS,

IT IS PROBABLY A GREAT TIME TO TELL YOU

THAT IT LOOKS LIKE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE

JUST A LITTLE BIT OF A CHRISTIAN WEDDING.

[SLURPING]

WHAT?

DID YOU HEAR THAT, FRANK?

-DID YOU HEAR THAT? -WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THEY'RE INTERVIEWING MAZURSKY,

THE NEW QUARTERBACK RECRUIT.

-STOP IT. -GIVE ME A SECOND.

STOP IT. YOUR SON JUST ANNOUNCED

HE'S HAVING A CHRISTIAN WEDDING.

SO? I'M CHRISTIAN.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

THEY NEVER WENT TO CHURCH WHEN HE WAS A KID.

SO? HE NEVER WENT TO A BUCKEYES GAME WITH ME,

BUT IF YOU ASK HIM WHO HIS FOOTBALL TEAM IS,

HE WOULD SAY IT'S OHIO STATE, RIGHT?

YEAH, EXACTLY. YEAH-- RIGHT, SURE.

AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS THAT DARREN'S A BIG BOY,

AND HE CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS,

AND YOU NEED TO JUST STAY OUT OF IT.

AND YOU NEED TO JUST KEEP LISTENING

TO YOUR DAMN SPORTS HAT.

I NEED A CIGARETTE. EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.

[KHIN] WE HAVE WEDDING HERE.

AND HOW MANY HAVE YOU HAD HERE?

FIRST ONE YESTERDAY.

AND DEAN AND DARREN'S TOMORROW.

YES, TOMORROW, TOO.

AND MORE COMING ONLINE ALL THE TIME.

[CLATTERING]

I AM FINE. I AM FINE. NO PROBLEM.

ISN'T ALEX SUPPOSED TO BE HANDLING THAT?

EXCUSE ME.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

DANCING.

THEY'RE GUESTS. WE'RE THE WORKERS.

BUT I'M WORKING-- HELP THE CELEBRATE, PARTY!

WHAT'S WITH THE GETUP HERE? WHAT--

IT FEELS RIGHT. YOU LIKE IT?

SURE, SURE, SURE.

-DOES YOUR DAD KNOW ABOUT THIS? -WHAT?

DOES YOUR DAD KNOW ABOUT THIS?

LOOK, REBECCA'S WORKING ON THE CHURCH,

DECORATING THE CHAPEL RIGHT NOW.

WE NEED YOUR HELP.

NOW! THE WOMAN FROM THE AGENCY'S HERE.

-OH! HEY. HI, THERE. -HEY.

IT'S QUITE A PARTY HERE. HUH?

TOMORROW'S THE BIG DAY.

WE'RE PREPARING THE CHAPEL RIGHT NOW.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

LISTEN, PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

WELL, I'VE DECIDED

THAT I WANT A-- WELL, ACTUALLY, I NEED

MY WEDDING TO TAKE PLACE IN A REAL CHURCH

WITH A REAL PRIEST.

SO WHILE I THANK YOU,

THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE IN PLANS.

I'M A LICENSED CHRISTIAN MINISTER.

I PREACHED FOR TWO YEARS IN MISSOURI.

TWO YEARS! AT JEWS FOR JESUS RETREAT.

ACTUALLY IT WAS MORE OF A RESORT,

BUT... [STAMMERING]

WE DID A WONDERFUL BUSINESS, BY THE WAY.

THE BUSINESS OF SAVING SOULS, OF COURSE.

THAT'S-- THAT'S GREAT.

BUT, YOU SEE, I'M CATHOLIC, SO...

I CAN DO A CATHOLIC FLAVOR LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.

SERIOUSLY, I'LL DO THE WHOLE THING IN LATIN. THE WHOLE THING.

HERE, I-- I HAVE "CRISTUS,"

I HAVE "AD NUOM," UH, "ET BENEDICTO."

IT'S IN THERE. I KNOW IT'S IN THERE.

I'M COMMITTING MY LIFE TO ONE PERSON,

SO I NEED SOMEONE WHO'S COMMITTED THEIR LIFE TO ONE THING.

DO YOU THINK THAT I WOULD PERMANENTLY ETCH THIS INTO MY--

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THAT'S THE WRONG ONE.

HOLD ON. HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

THAT'S COMMITMENT. A JEW WITH A CROSS.

LOOK AT THAT.

I APPRECIATE IT. I REALLY DO.

BUT THIS IS SOMETHING I NEED FOR ME.

I'M-- I'M SORRY.

I UNDERSTAND. NO PROBLEM.

HEY, MAN, THIS-- THIS IS AN AWESOME TATTOO.

DID YOU KNOW THAT GANESH BRINGS GOOD LUCK?

EXCUSE ME.

JUST HAVE A RABBI PRESENT. IS THAT SO HARD?

YOUR FATHER AND I WILL PAY FOR IT.

I'LL EVEN FIND YOU ONE.

YOU GOTTA STOP THE JEWISH THING.

WE HAD A CHRISTMAS TREE WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP.

YOU'RE SITTING THERE EATING A BOURBON BACON BURGER

AT A BUSTER BARN.

WHAT PART OF THAT IS JEWISH?

ALL OF IT! EXCEPT THE BUSTER BARN!

HE'S GOT A POINT, MOM.

THANK YOU.

THIS IS WHAT WE DO AS JEWS,

WE GET TO EAT BACON ONCE IN A WHILE

WITHOUT ANY ONE PERSON GETTING STONED TO DEATH FOR IT.

AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAVING A TREE, HUH? HUH?

WHY CAN'T WE ENJOY THE FRUITS OF OTHER RELIGIONS?

IT DOESN'T MEAN I GOTTA GIVE UP MINE.

SURE, FINE, AND THAT SOMEHOW WORKS FOR YOU.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW, BUT SOMEHOW IT DOES.

BUT THIS IS MY WEDDING.

YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS TO ME, AREN'T YOU?

LOOK AT ME, DARREN.

IT TOOK ME TWO YEARS OF FIVE-DAY-A-WEEK THERAPY SESSIONS,

A NASTY XANAX ADDICTION,

AND ENDLESS WATCHING

OF THOSE BORING PBS DOCUMENTARIES

TO FINALLY ACCEPT THIS GAY MARRIAGE THING.

AND NOW YOU EXPECT ME TO ABANDON MY FAITH?

-MY GOD! -SHH.

-SHH. -I EVEN MADE YOUR FATHER WATCH "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN." TWICE!

AND THEN WENT OUT AND GO BUY THE BLU-RAY EDITION.

HE HAD TO WAIT IN LINE AT BEST BUY

FOR 10 MINUTES HOLDING THAT THING

IN FRONT OF ALL THE NEIGHBORS ON BLACK FRIDAY.

WE'VE MADE SACRIFICES.

AND I'M JUST ASKING FOR THIS ONE THING?

OH, GOD, I CAN'T TAKE THIS!

I HAVE TO GO TAKE CARE OF DEAN.

YOUR GRANDFATHER IS ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE.

AND THAT'S AFTER HE'S ALREADY ROLLED A HOLE TO CHINA!

MOM, YOU NEED TO STOP.

WHY CAN'T HE JUST GET MARRIED LIKE HE DID WITH MAGGIE?

WAS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?

THE RABBI DID SUCH A MARVELOUS JOB.

WELL, MAGGIE'S STILL JEWISH, AND SHE'LL BE HERE SOON.

[ISAAC] MAGGIE'S STILL JEWISH?

SHE'S COMING TO THE WEDDING?

TURNS OUT SHE DIDN'T SIGN THE DIVORCE PAPERS,

SO SHE'LL BE HERE.

SHE LIVES IN BINGHAMTON.

SHE'S A PROFESSOR AT A UNIVERSITY.

-REALLY? -DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, MOM.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ISAAC? I JUST LOVE HER.

SHE'S WONDERFUL. I ALWAYS LIKED HER.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

MOM, DO NOT START ANYTHING.

SHE'S COMING HERE AND SHE'S SIGNING THE PAPERS,

AND SHE'S LEAVING. THAT'S ALL.

[DEAN] WOW, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS PLACE? IT'S PERFECT.

OKAY, DO ME A FAVOR.

DON'T EVER RANK ANYTHING ON TRIPADVISOR.COM

I USE IT. DON'T NEED THE EXTRA FEEDBACK.

WHY, DO YOU THINK WE'RE IN DANGER?

WELL, YOU KNOW, WE ARE GAY,

HANGING OUT IN KLAN TERRITORY,

LOITERING IN FRONT OF THEIR CHURCH.

I MEAN, IT SEEMS LIKE WE HIT THE TRIFECTA.

THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD TURN BACK.

NO, I'M SURE WE'LL BE FINE.

JUST-- COME ON. JUST BUTCH IT UP A BIT.

-OH, OKAY. UM... -YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS ISN'T "WEST SIDE STORY."

DOWN. IT'S BETTER DOWN?

JUST HURRY UP BEFORE THAT CROSS GOES UP IN FLAMES.

A PLACE LIKE THIS MIGHT BE AVAILABLE

BECAUSE IT'S IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

[SCREAMS]

HELLO. HOW CAN I HELP YOU FINE YOUNG MEN?

GENTLEMEN, ISN'T GOD'S HOUSE BEAUTIFUL?

OH, I FEEL INSPIRED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THIS INCREDIBLE PLACE.

WOW, IT'S--

IT'S UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL.

OF COURSE, WE HAD A BALL SAIL THROUGH THAT WINDOW

A FEW YEARS AGO.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S AN INCREDIBLE SIGN

THAT THIS TRULY IS A VIBRANT, FAMILY NEIGHBORHOOD.

BRADLEY, IT'S EVERYTHING WE WANTED.

LOOK AT THAT CHANDELIER.

OH, THIS CHANDELIER IS THREE YEARS IN THE MAKING.

I MADE A SNOWMAN ONCE IN THREE HOURS...

AND THEN I GOT BORED AND SAT ON IT.

-CAN WE TURN IT ON, FATHER? -YEAH, SOME OF THE WIRES--

I-- I FORGOT TO MENTION,

DID YOU NOTICE OUR INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL CHURCH ORGAN?

WOW.

ARE YOU BOYS FROM THE CASINO?

-WHAT? -UH, NO, NO. UH...

WE'RE NOT EXACTLY CASINO GUYS.

-IS MY COLLAR STILL UP? -NO, NO.

NO, UH, TRUTHFULLY, I DON'T REALLY EVEN GAMBLE.

THAT'S A SIN, RIGHT?

YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A SPIRITUAL HOME?

UH, NO. WELL, YES, BUT...

DO YOU STILL HOLD SERVICES HERE?

I GUESS, COMMUNIONS, MASSES, WEDDINGS?

WE STILL HAVE A SUNDAY MASS.

IT'S BEEN A FEW YEARS SINCE WE'VE HAD A WEDDING.

ARE YOU AFFILIATED WITH THE CHURCH RIGHT NOW?

I'M SEARCHING.

STILL SEARCHING.

BUT THIS PLACE IS GREAT, FATHER.

WELL, I AM CATHOLIC, AND I--

OH, PERFECT. WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU

AS OUR GUESTS FOR SUNDAY SERVICE.

THAT'S INCREDIBLY KIND OF YOU.

BUT WE'RE HERE-- WELL, I'M HERE

BECAUSE I JUST, UH...

CAN I MAKE A CONFESSION?

FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.

IT'S BEEN 525,600 MINUTES

SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION.

[CHUCKLES]

OH, GOD.

I'M SORRY.

GO AHEAD, MY SON.

WELL, YOU SEE, FATHER, I'M GAY AND--

OH, REALLY. WELL, WE'RE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN, AND--

NO, I'M NOT CONFESSING THAT AS A SIN.

I'M ACTUALLY COMPLETELY FINE AND PROUD OF BEING GAY.

I'M NOT SURE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT,

BUT TRUTHFULLY, I DON'T EVEN WANNA CONFESS ANYTHING.

I JUST-- I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.

I'M GETTING MARRIED.

TO A WOMAN?

NO, OF COURSE NOT. REALLY, FATHER?

TO MY PARTNER DARREN.

YOU SEE, HE DOESN'T BELIEVE THAT OUR WEDDING IS REAL,

SO I THOUGHT SINCE I STILL BELIEVE VERY MUCH IN GOD

AND JESUS OR JESUS AND GOD,

OR SOMEWHERE THE HOLY SPIRIT IS IN THERE,

BUT I THOUGHT THAT WE COULD GET MARRIED

BY A REAL CLERGYMAN IN A REAL CHURCH.

OH. MY SON, THE CHURCH DOES NOT ALLOW GAY MARRIAGE.

I COULDN'T PERFORM SUCH A CEREMONY IN A CHURCH.

YOU DON'T NEED ME TO MAKE YOUR WEDDING REAL.

THE COMMUNION OF TWO SOULS

IS AS REAL AS THE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE FOR ONE ANOTHER.

THANK YOU, FATHER, BUT...

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THE LOVE

THAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS FOR YOU

IS THE SAME THAT YOU HAVE FOR THEM?

WHEN THAT PERSON DOES SOMETHING

THAT NO OTHER PERSON WOULD DO FOR YOU.

THANK YOU.

YOU GET IT? YOU GET IT?

HEY, LOOK AT THAT! THE JACUZZI IS WORKING!

WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS HERE, LIDIA.

I CAN CALL YOU THAT. CAN I-- CAN I CALL YOU LIDIA?

WHY WOULD YOU?

IT JUST ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE.

LIDIA, LIDIA. IT'S WONDERFUL.

OH, SAYA'S THE SENIOR MEMBER OF THE GROUP.

HE ACTUALLY FIXED THE JACUZZI.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? JUST AMAZING.

HOW DO YOU GUYS LIKE IT?

-THERE'S NO BUBBLES! -IT'S KIND OF COLD.

AWESOME KIDDIE POOL, DUDE.

YOU ARE THE MANISCHEWITZ.

WHOO!

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, MR. SHIBBAWITZ,

THIS HAS BEEN AN ENLIGHTENING EXPERIENCE,

BUT I'M NOT VERY CONVINCED THAT THIS IS GOING TO WORK.

OH, BUT IT IS WORKING, MISS CARMICHAEL.

ONE WEDDING IS HARDLY A SUCCESS STORY.

NO, IT'S TWO WEDDINGS.

-MANISCHEWITZ. -YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

MR. SHIBBAWITZ, I HEARD THAT YOUNG GAY MAN CLEARLY SAY

HE IS NOT GETTING MARRIED HERE.

AND TO BE HONEST, I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY.

THAT YOUNG MAN WILL BE BACK.

NO CATHOLIC CHURCH IS GOING TO MARRY TWO MEN.

I DON'T THINK THE POPE IS GOING TO RENEGE

ON 2,000 YEARS OF CATHOLIC DOCTRINE

IN THE NEXT 12 HOURS.

THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM THAT?

BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HE NEEDED TO DO.

THIS IS HIS JOURNEY, AND WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'LL FIND.

I'M NOT HERE TO SQUASH A PERSON'S DREAMS.

AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL, WE MAKE DREAMS COME TRUE.

IF HE'S GETTING MARRIED HERE TOMORROW,

YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM.

MAYBE, BUT HAVEN'T THEY BEEN TOLD

ENOUGH THINGS THEY CAN'T DO, LIDIA?

LOOK, ANOTHER GUEST.

HI, CAN I HELP YOU?

NO, I CAN WAIT TILL YOU'RE FINISHED.

NO, IT'S OKAY. I WAS JUST FINISHING UP HERE.

-HI. -HI.

I'M NOT SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE.

I'M HERE TO SIGN SOME MARRIAGE PAPERS

-FOR MY FORMER-- -OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

YOUR NAME IS...

-MAGGIE. -MAGGIE! MAGGIE!

NOT ANOTHER GUEST.

SHE'S ACTUALLY MARRIED TO DEAN. UH, DARREN.

DARREN IS MARRYING DEAN-- THE YOUNG MAN WE MET.

MR. SHIBBAWITZ, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD.

AHEAD? REALLY?

I'LL TAKE THAT.

-OH, GOD. -IT'S TIME TO FEED THE BURT REYNOLDS.

IT'S MORE LIKE MEATLOAF.

OOH! AREN'T YOU A SWEET THANG.

UGH. NO THANKS.

MY MEDICAL THERMOS?

YES, YES, YOUR MEDICAL THERMOS.

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[SCREAMS]

JUST SUCH A STATELY CHARM ABOUT YOU.

A VERY CONSERVATIVE BEAUTY.

ALL THIS LIGHT THAT COMES FROM YOU.

AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE...

...IT JUST COMES RIGHT OUT OF YOU.

YOU JUST-- YOU LOOK BRIGHT.

OH, I SEE.

THAT SMILE! I CAN'T SEE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST FILLING OUT THIS FORM

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE NEEDING

FOR YOUR EXTENSION.

REALLY?

THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL

TRULY IS THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.

WHOO!

IT WAS A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE DISPLAY,

BUT, YOU KNOW...

-DARREN! -MOM?

DARREN! CONGRATULATIONS!

OH, MAGGIE!

-OH, MY GOD. HI, FRAN! -HI.

-WE THOUGHT THAT YOU GOT SUCKED INTO... -GET OUT OF MY WAY.

ONE OF THOSE GIANT VENTS OUT THERE.

WE DID! AND WE LOST IT.

SO, HERE YOU GO AGAIN, HUH?

THIS PLACE IS--

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE ONLY GIRL FOR MY BOY.

-THAT WOULD BE YOU. -THAT'S VERY SWEET, FRAN,

BUT ABSOLUTELY NOT NECESSARY.

I'M SURE SHE'S WONDERFUL.

AWESOME!

-HI, DARREN. -HI, MAGGIE.

WOW, YOU LOOK AMAZING.

-YOU HAVEN'T AGED A DAY. -DOESN'T SHE KNOW?

THANK YOU. AND YOU, TOO.

YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE WAY I REMEMBER YOU.

EXCEPT I DON'T THINK I EVER SAW THAT COLOR SHIRT ON YOU.

EVERYTHING ELSE IS THE SAME.

I'LL JUST GO GET THE PAPERS, MAGGIE,

AND GET YOUR OLD JOHN HANCOCK

AND GET YOU RIGHT ON YOUR WAY. OKAY?

THAT SOUND GOOD? OKAY.

I GUESS, CONGRATULATIONS.

YEAH! OH, YEAH, YEAH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HER A HUG. THAT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO.

OKAY. OKAY.

GREAT.

SO, UH... THANKS, MAGGIE.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE THAT YOU'RE DOING THIS FOR ME.

I'M ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. HOW WAS THE DRIVE?

NOT BAD. ONLY 2 1/2, 3 HOURS.

OH, GREAT, GREAT. THIS SHOULDN'T TAKE THAT LONG.

THERE'S ONLY ONE PAGE THAT NEEDS TO BE SIGNED.

YOU CAN STILL MAKE IT BACK WITH ENOUGH DAYLIGHT DRIVING.

-HAVE YOU TOLD HER? -MOM...

MAGGIE AND I HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS,

-AND WE'RE GOOD. -WE WHAT?

DO NOT BRING THAT UP.

SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO KNOW AT THIS POINT.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

THIS WASN'T THE THING YOU WERE TRYING TO TELL ME

WHEN WE GOT DISCONNECTED, IS IT?

DARREN TELLS ME THAT YOU'RE STILL JEWISH, MAGGIE.

YEAH, YEAH, I SAID I WAS JEWISH AT THE WEDDING,

-AND I STILL AM. -FANTASTIC.

WORKS FOR ME.

-L'CHAIM! -YEAH!

-LOOK AT THAT FACE. -OH, GOD.

I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED UNDER FALSE PRETENSES.

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? ARE YOU A BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN NOW OR SOMETHING?

WHAT IS THIS?

NO, NO. I'M EXACTLY THE SAME.

-[COUGHS] -NO, I'M NOT.

UM, I JUST WANTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

-YOU KNOW, UH... -I GOT THE PAPERS RIGHT HERE, MAGGIE.

WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER HERE,

STEP UP TO THE COUNTER, AND-- AND SIGN.

WOW, YOU REALLY DON'T WASTE ANY TIME HERE, DO YOU?

SO THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO BE? GET ME IN, GET ME OUT?

NO, NO. NO. NO, NO, NO.

IT'S NOT HOW IT IS.

LISTEN, MAGGIE, WHY DON'T YOU AND DARREN GO OFF SOMEWHERE AND TALK?

-SHE TOOK A LONG RIDE HERE. -I UNDERSTAND.

IT COULD BE AWKWARD FOR YOUR FIANCÉE.

IS SHE HERE?

UH...

YOU MADE MOTEL INTO GAY PARTY HOUSE!

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU--

MY SON TURN INTO GAY RIGHT HERE.

TIN, WE HAVE GUESTS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

THE LADY FROM THE AGENCY'S HERE.

EXCUSE ME. HERE'S YOUR PEN. YOU CAN SIGN IT.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON. GET IN THERE.

-WHAT IS THIS PLACE? -THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL--

-HELLO THERE, DARREN. -HELL.

WE'VE BEEN WONDERING WHERE YOU'VE BEEN HIDING OUT.

DEAN DIDN'T SCARE YOU STRAIGHT, DID HE?

OR MAYBE HE HAS.

HELLO, I'M BRADLEY,

DEAN'S BEST FRIEND.

DEAN?

FRAN, DARREN'S MOTHER.

AND THIS HERE IS OUR LOVELY MAGGIE.

THEY WERE ABOUT TO GO GET SOME COFFEE.

EXCUSE US.

THIS MOTEL MADE MY SON INTO GAY.

TIN, THE KID IS FINALLY HAPPY.

YOU SAID THIS MOTEL WAS FOR US!

SHOULD WE GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS,

WAITING FOR TRUCKERS TO CHECK IN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

TO MEET UP WITH THEIR HOOKERS AND METH DEALERS?

OH, I'M-- I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'M-- I'M SO SORRY.

WHERE'S MY HORMONES? MY HORMONES ARE GONE!

-DAW THOUGHT IT WAS AN ENERGY DRINK. -THEY'RE GONE!

IT'S JUST NOTHING MORE THAN A CULTURAL FAUX PAS.

-OH, MY GOD! -OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

[DEAN] ARE YOU OKAY? CAN I GET YOU A--

I'M FINE. I'M FINE.

LET ME GET YOU SOME ICE!

PLEASE, MOM, NO! I DO NOT NEED ICE!

WE'RE ALL LOVERS HERE, BABY.

DID YOU BLACK OUT? LET ME SEE YOUR EYES.

-YOU'RE BLEEDING. PUT THIS AGAINST YOUR LIP. -I AM NOT BLEEDING.

[DEAN] PUPILS ARE THE SAME SIZE. THAT'S A GOOD SIGN.

I'M FINE! I'M FINE! EVERYBODY JUST STEP AWAY.

[DEAN] OKAY.

HI, I'M DEAN, DARREN'S FIANCÉ.

-YOU MUST BE MAGGIE. -FIANCÉ?

DARREN, YOU'RE GAY?

WOW.

GAY? HOW COULD I HAVE NOT FIGURED THIS OUT?

YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T PICK UP ON THE SIGNS, SWEETIE?

BACKWARDS BASEBALL CAPS, SWEATY T-SHIRTS, MURALS?

-IT'S ALL SO OBVIOUS. -STAY OUT OF THIS, BRADLEY.

PARDON ME, BUT I THINK AT THIS POINT

WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW.

ARE YOU BUTCH CASSIDY OR THE SUNDANCE KID?

WELL, HI, I'M MAGGIE, THE APPARENTLY CLUELESS JILTED EX-WIFE.

YOU DIDN'T TELL HER.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I DIDN'T WANNA BOTHER HER. IT'S BEEN 10 YEARS.

WHAT'S THE POINT? WHY DOES SHE NEED TO KNOW?

[MAGGIE] BECAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH.

I'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND THESE 10 YEARS

WONDERING WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

SHOULD I HAVE DYED MY HAIR BLONDE?

SHOULD I HAVE COOKED MORE ITALIAN FOOD?

SHOULD I HAVE WORN THAT BLACK LEATHER LINGERIE YOU BOUGHT ME?

I THOUGHT THAT WAS OUR THING.

IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.

YOURS HAS THOSE BUCKLES.

I THINK I'M GOING TO GO OUT AND GET SOME AIR.

GOOD LUCK. THERE'S NOT ANY OUT THERE.

[SIGHS]

[DEAN] INCREDIBLE.

AFTER ALL THE RIGHTS WE'VE FOUGHT FOR,

AND YOU'RE STILL AFRAID, AREN'T YOU, DARREN?

AFRAID OF WHAT, DEAN?

THIS? YES. YES, I'M AFRAID OF THIS.

THIS IS MADNESS.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS HOPING TO AVOID.

NOBODY NEEDED TO KNOW ANYTHING.

[DEAN] IS THAT WHY YOU CHOSE THIS PLACE,

TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS HERE IN THE GAY WEDDING CAPITAL?

IS THAT WHY WE'RE HERE,

THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY FROM OUR HOME?

WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS FROM WORK?

OH, I GET IT.

A GAY DESTINATION WEDDING IN NIAGARA FALLS

OFFERS A PERFECT EXCUSE

NOT TO INVITE ANYONE FROM OUR LIVES.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT THE ONE HIDING OUT, DEAN?

YOU'RE A CANADIAN CITIZEN. YEAH.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN ARIZONA?

WOW. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY ASTHMA.

YOU KNOW I NEED A DESERT CLIMATE.

I DO, AND I KNOW THAT YOU WANTED

TO SEE NIAGARA FALLS JUST AS MUCH AS I DID.

BUT WHEN WE GOT HERE, I JUST ACCEPTED THE KITSCH FACTOR.

BUT YOU REFUSE TO SEE IT. LONZIE GETS IT!

LONZIE LIVES IN AN ABANDONED MISSILE SILO.

THAT'S NOT THE STRONGEST ARGUMENT, DARREN!

REALLY? ARE THOSE STILL AVAILABLE?

WOW, I GET IT.

YOU WANT A NICE, QUIET, HIDDEN GAY LIFE.

HELL, YOU MIGHT EVEN HAVE A FLING WITH A WOMAN AGAIN SOME DAY.

YOU'RE STILL CLOSETED, DARREN,

IT'S JUST NOW IT'S A SLIGHTLY ROOMIER ONE.

I WANTED A CROSS

AND A JESUS AND A PRIEST.

I HAD NO IDEA I NEEDED A PARTNER

WHO WAS WILLING TO BE HIMSELF.

I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW,

AND I HAVE NO IDEA IF I HAVE ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

[LONZIE] HEY! HEY! HEY!

PARTY IN CANADA!

PARTY IN CANADA-LA-LA-LA!

COME ON. LET'S GO!

IF YOU ASK ME, I'M NOT SURE YOU CAN HANDLE

ANY FOREIGN AFFAIRS RIGHT NOW

UNTIL YOU TACKLE YOUR DOMESTIC ISSUES.

MAGGIE. MAGGIE, I'M SORRY.

IT'S JUST LIKE A PUZZLE.

MAGGIE, I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.

I SIGNED YOUR PAPERS. THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED. THAT'S WHAT I DID.

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR NEW LIFE, DARREN.

I HOPE YOU'RE MORE HONEST WITH DEAN

THAN YOU WERE WITH ME.

MAGGIE, THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED TO SEE YOU.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY, REALLY.

I'LL HAVE A NICE, PLEASANT THREE-HOUR DRIVE HOME

THINKING ABOUT NOTHING ELSE

EXCEPT HOW I TURNED THE MAN I LOVE

INTO LOVING ANOTHER MAN.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

BELIEVE ME. IT'S NOT EVEN RELATED.

-UGH! -I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE DRIVING.

NO, I'M FINE. THERE ARE OVER A HUNDRED WINERIES ON THE WAY HOME.

I'LL JUST STICK TO THE DRY REDS,

VENTURE INTO THE FRUITY BLUSHES,

AND IF I STILL CAN'T STOP BLAMING MYSELF,

I'LL HIT THE CABERNET SAUVIGNONS.

HOPEFULLY I'LL REMEMBER TO TAKE IN THE VIEWS.

[FRAN] MAGGIE! PLEASE.

PLEASE, MAGGIE, MAGGIE. MAGGIE, WAIT.

GOOD-BYE, FRAN.

HI, ISAAC. SORRY WE DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO CATCH UP.

DARREN,

YOU ARE NOT GONNA LET HER GO.

LOOK AT YOU TWO.

YOU STILL HAVE CHEMISTRY.

-YOU WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER. -MOM.

I'M YOUR MOTHER. I KNOW THESE THINGS.

MOM, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

AND IT DOESN'T HURT THAT SHE'S STILL A MEMBER OF THE TRIBE.

YOU'RE NOT JEWISH.

YOU'RE NOT.

HAVING A GREAT-GRANDFATHER

ON YOUR FATHER'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY

DOES NOT MAKE YOU JEWISH!

EVEN THE NAZIS WOULD GIVE YOU A PASS,

BUT THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME ONE

BECAUSE I AM A HUNDRED PERCENT GAY!

I'M GAY.

YOU EXHAUST ME.

WHAT KIND OF LIFE ARE YOU AND DEAN GOING TO LIVE?

HOW CAN YOU LET THIS GIRL GO AGAIN?

YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M NOT GONNA LET MAGGIE GO THIS TIME.

BLESS YOU.

MAGGIE...

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND SINCE SEVENTH GRADE.

YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL.

I WANT MY FRIEND BACK.

I'M NOT GOING TO GO ANOTHER 10 YEARS

WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE.

MAGGIE,

WILL YOU BE MY--

MY BEST MAN?

OR BEST WOMAN.

-I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS SO-- -OY GEVALT.

-THIS IS NOT EASY. -I KNOW.

JUST SAY YES.

UH, HUG.

DO WE HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE?

I'M SORRY.

WE WERE FRIENDS A LOT LONGER THAN WE WERE A MARRIED COUPLE.

WE CAN DO THIS, RIGHT?

-YEAH. -OKAY.

NOW, MY LOVELY JEWESS,

WILL YOU HELP ME STEAL A CROSS AND A JESUS?

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[DEAN] AND WE CAN'T FIND LONZIE.

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT,

TRIPPING ON PEYOTE,

COMPLETELY PANICKED.

OH, MY GOD, WHO PUT THIS ALL TOGETHER?

YOUR FUTURE SON-IN-LAW DARREN.

AND THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE THEY EXPLODED

-THE FIRST ATOMIC BOMB? -EXACTLY.

AND WE LOOK BEHIND US,

AND THERE IS LONZIE CUMMING ON GROUND ZERO

WITH A JAPANESE MAN!

-IT'S LIKE-- -IT WAS THE MAKEUP SEX FOR WORLD WAR II, OKAY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

STOP POUTING.

DARREN IS A GREAT, CREATIVE GUY.

HE DOES THIS. HE GETS ALL QUIET WHEN HE'S UPSET.

STOP IT.

COME ON, IT'S YOUR WEDDING.

OKAY, BOYS, THIS OLD HAG HAS TO GET TO BED.

DON'T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO. COME ON.

DON'T WORRY, MRS. D., WE'LL KEEP THE ORGY

TO JUST UNDER 10 PEOPLE.

THAT'S MY BOYS.

SMILE!

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

WHERE DID HE GO? DO YOU SEE HIM?

I THINK HE WENT BEHIND THE CHURCH.

YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS? IT'S REALLY DARK.

MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE 99-CENT STORE

THAT WE PASSED ON THE WAY HERE.

I DON'T THINK DECORATING THE RAINBOW CHAPEL

WITH A 99-CENT PLASTIC BABY JESUS

IS GONNA MAKE A BIG ENOUGH SPLASH.

DEAN IS A-- HE'S A FORCE. HE'S A FORCE OF NATURE,

AND I'VE BEEN REALLY SPINELESS LATELY.

-AS YOU KNOW. -MM.

I GOTTA MAKE A GRAND GESTURE.

MAYBE A SOUVENIR SHOP THEN.

THE BEST WE'RE GONNA GET IS A VELVET PAINTING OF JESUS

HOVERING OVER THE FALLS IN THE MIST,

OR A MOTHER MARY SNOW GLOBE, OR BOTH ON A PEWTER PLATE.

ALTHOUGH VERY COOL, IT'S NOT THE REAL VIBE I'M LOOKING FOR.

OKAY. HEY, I THINK I FOUND AN ENTRANCE.

OKAY, OKAY. STAY IN THE CAR.

KEEP IT LOCKED. WE'RE GOING IN.

THANKS, MAGGIE.

SURE.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

LAST NIGHT OF FREEDOM!

WHAT? NOT HOT ENOUGH?

IT'S YOUR BACHELOR PARTY.

AREN'T YOU EXPECTED TO INDULGE?

THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.

PLEASE, HONEY, THE GUY'S GOT HIS WIFE HERE.

-EX-WIFE. -THAT HE FAILED TO TELL YOU ABOUT.

COME ON. ENJOY.

THIS IS THE LAST FLING, AND FROM WHAT I SAW,

WHO KNOWS WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TOMORROW.

YOUNG MAN, I OFFER YOU A MEDICINAL TONIC--

A FAIR MAIDEN. NO, NO, NO, NO.

YES, A WOMAN TO EVEN OUT THE PLAYING FIELD.

JUST ONE SACRIFICIAL PLUNGE

INTO THAT HOT AND STEAMY VOLCANO

WILL FREE YOU OF YOUR PARTNER'S TRANSGRESSIONS.

I INTRODUCE TO YOU...

JUSTICE!

HI.

YOU ARE SICK, DEMENTED,

AND QUITE POSSIBLY FULL OF EVERY STD IN THE BOOK,

BUT YOU ARE A SOCIAL GENIUS,

AND I AM PROUD TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

-[MUSIC CONTINUES] -[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

-[MEN SHOUTING] -[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

WE GET A LOT OF YOUR KIND UP HERE,

HIPSTERS COMING IN FROM BUFFALO,

FIGURING THEY CAN GRAB WHATEVER THEY WANT FROM OUR HISTORY.

THE BUILDINGS IN THIS CITY AREN'T A FREE FOR ALL.

YOU CAN'T TAKE STUFF OUT OF BUILDINGS,

MUCH LESS CHURCHES. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OFFICER, HIS HUSBAND-TO-BE IS A DEVOUT CATHOLIC.

MAYBE YOU TWO CAN WORK ON YOUR STORY A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

HEY, THAT'S A GOOD ONE. EH, FATHER?

LET'S SEE WHAT THEY GOT HERE FROM YOU.

THEY GOT ONE...

MAHOGANY CROSS.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

WE GOT A STATUE OF,

UH, ST. PETER?

OR IS IT MOSES?

-IT'S ST. JOSEPH, RONALD. -YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS JESUS?

THEY DO RESEMBLE EACH OTHER. IT IS HIS FATHER.

OR IS THAT GOD?

[RON] ARE YOU GOING TO PRESS CHARGES OR NOT?

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, MY SON.

YOUR PARTNER CAME TO THE CHURCH.

HE WANTED TO GET MARRIED IN MY CHURCH WITH YOU.

HE WANTED ME TO PERFORM THE WEDDING.

I KNOW THAT YOU ONLY TRIED

TO TURN HIS DREAM INTO A REALITY.

I CANNOT APPROVE OF YOUR WEDDING.

I CERTAINLY CANNOT APPROVE OF YOU STEALING FROM THE CHURCH,

BUT I DO KNOW WHEN I WITNESS AN ACT OF LOVE OF THIS MAGNITUDE,

AND GOD'S HAND IS SURELY IN IT.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS CROSS

AND THE STATUE.

CONSIDER THEM WEDDING GIFTS.

AND GOD BLESS YOU, MY SON.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY.

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I GOT THE WHOLE THING WORKED OUT.

I HAVE TALKED TO THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY,

AND I THINK WE CAN PLEAD THIS DOWN TO A MISDEMEANOR.

DOESN'T HURT THAT I'M THE FORMER TRAFFIC COURT JUDGE.

EASY THERE, CHIEF. THE FATHER'S NOT PRESSING CHARGES.

HE'S NOT--

HE'S NOT DOING THE WEDDING, IS HE?

[SHIBBAWITZ] IT'S CENTERED. IT'S CENTERED.

-IT LOOKS PERFECT. -I GOT IT, I GOT IT.

-[BURMESE MUSIC PLAYING] -IT REALLY-- ALL RIGHT.

IT'S GOOD. JUST LET ME DO IT.

YEAH. THAT'S NICE. NICE.

DARREN! DARREN!

DARREN! DARREN, WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

NO, NO, NO, GO AWAY. GO. DON'T LOOK.

I WANT TO DO THIS FOR DEAN. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,

PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM.

-WHERE IS DEAN? -IT'S MY FAULT.

WE WERE WALKING OVER THE BORDER,

WALKING OVER THE RAINBOW BRIDGE TO THE UNITED STATES

WHEN THIS SEXY BORDER AGENT WAS REALLY--

NO, NO, NO, YOU DID NOT START FLIRTING WITH A BORDER GUARD.

YES! FORGIVE ME, I HAVE A WEAKNESS.

YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT DOMINANT MEN IN UNIFORM.

IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH, DARREN. DON'T JUDGE. IT'S A WEAKNESS.

THERE'S NO END TO YOUR WEAKNESSES.

AND THEN WE WERE IN THIS SCARY ROOM

BEING INTERROGATED BY HOMELAND SECURITY.

-IT WASN'T HOMELAND SECURITY. -YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!

OKAY, THERE WAS A MOMENT I SWEAR WE WERE GONNA GET SENT TO GUANTANAMO BAY!

AND I CAN'T HANDLE THAT, NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND.

I NEED OPEN SPACES.

OKAY, SO WHAT HAPPENED, LONZIE? WHAT DID YOU DO, LONZIE?

OKAY, OKAY, DON'T JUDGE.

I ACCIDENTALLY TOLD THEM ABOUT DEAN'S WORK VISA.

-OH, MY GOD! -STOP IT, LONZIE.

THEY KNEW ABOUT DEAN'S VISA

LONG BEFORE YOU WERE INTERROGATED.

OKAY, WHAT-- WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

IT MEANS THAT DEAN IS STUCK IN CANADA.

HE'S AT SOME DETENTION CENTER AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE.

-THEY WON'T LET HIM THROUGH. -THAT'S NOT GOOD.

BRADLEY STAYED BACK WITH HIM.

OH, GOD, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW. I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.

DO YOU HEAR ME? THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

WELL, HE'S SO SORRY, AND HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, DARREN.

SO MUCH. AND I SWEAR NOTHING HAPPENED OVER THERE.

-HE LOVES YOU, MAN. -WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING HAPPENED OVER THERE.

BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT--

OKAY. OKAY, I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

THIS IS HOW IT'S GOTTA-- WOW, I'M GOOD.

OOH, AM I GOOD. THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA WORK, RIGHT?

DEAN CAN'T COME OVER HERE,

AND YOU CAN'T GET MARRIED IN CANADA,

BUT WHAT IF WE HAVE THE WEDDING ON THE SIDEWALK

OF THE RAINBOW BRIDGE?

RIGHT? DEAN WALKS OUT INTO THE MIDDLE.

DARREN AND HIS FAMILY COME OUT IN THE MIDDLE

IN INTERNATIONAL AMBIGUOUS TERRITORY.

I DO THE WEDDING VOWS. I STAMP THE PAPERS.

AND VOILA, DEAN IS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.

IT CAN'T MISS.

THAT SOUNDS INSANE.

THANK YOU.

BUT BRILLIANT.

REALLY?

-WILL IT WORK? -MAYBE.

MAYBE.

WE ARE SO DOING THIS!

YEAH!

COME ON, DARREN.

[GROANS]

YOUR FRIENDS ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

THEY THINK YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED. SO DOES DARREN.

MOM... IT'S OVER.

WHO THE HELL ARE WE KIDDING?

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THE BEST PART

ISN'T JUST A LITTLE BIT DOWN THE ROAD?

MOM, IT'S OVER.

I GET IT.

I HEAR THE UNIVERSE,

AND IT'S CLEARLY EXPANDING WITHOUT DARREN AND I.

-READ THE SIGNS. -I HAVE READ THE SIGNS,

AND I KNOW THAT DARREN LOVES YOU.

AND I LOVE DARREN.

AND IT'S A GODDAMN MESS.

I GET IT. OKAY?

BUT THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS.

A TRAIN WRECK?

THANK YOU. THAT'S REALLY, REALLY COMFORTING.

YOU KNOW, HE ALWAYS HAD TO BE PERFECT.

HE HIRED A STYLIST FOR HIS HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PICTURE.

HE DESIGNED HIS OWN BOUTONNIERE FOR THE PROM.

REALLY? CARNATIONS OR ORCHIDS?

COLORED FEATHERS WITH ROSE PETALS.

IT WAS GORGEOUS.

AND EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SCHOOL, HE WOULD LAY OUT HIS CLOTHES,

AND IF THEY DIDN'T MATCH,

HE WOULD PLAY SICK IN THE MORNING

AND NOT GO TO SCHOOL.

WAIT, YOU-- YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT?

YES, OF COURSE I DID.

I ALLOWED IT.

BUT LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS MATCH.

IT CLASHES,

AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST-- YOU HAVE TO TRUST.

TRUST IN WHAT?

IN MY FIANCÉ AND HIS NEWLY EX-WIFE,

OR MY CHERNOBYL-THEMED WEDDING THAT I CAN'T EVEN HAVE ANYMORE?

YES. YES! IN ALL OF ITS GLORIOUS UGLINESS, YES.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M ALLOWED BACK IN THE STATES

FOR MONTHS, EVEN YEARS.

WELL, THERE MAY BE A WAY.

YOU JUST HAVE TO MEET HIM IN THE MIDDLE.

JUST THIS ONCE, WILL YOU PLEASE TRUST IN THE CHAOS?

COME ON. HERE.

YOU'RE GOING TO SCHOOL IN THE MORNING.

[MAN ON P.A.] FOLKS, THERE'S NO LOITERING ON THE BRIDGE.

PLEASE KEEP MOVING. THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU SEE? HOW MUCH TIME DO I GOT?

NO GUARDS.

REALLY? REALLY? ARE YOU SURE?

-ALL CLEAR. -ROGER.

[MAN ON P.A.] PEDESTRIANS, KEEP MOVING.

PLEASE CLEAR THE SIDEWALK.

[SHIBBAWITZ] WHERE ARE MY EYES?

I RAN OUT OF QUARTERS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE OUT OF QUARTERS?

[MAN ON P.A.] LOITERING ON THE BRIDGE

IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. PLEASE KEEP MOVING.

HOW ABOUT IT? AM I OKAY? CAN I CONTINUE?

-YOU'RE ALL CLEAR. -ALL CLEAR.

-[SHIBBAWITZ] TIN, IS THAT YOU? -YES, I'M BACK.

YOU'RE BACK! OH, THANK GOD.

[MAN ON P.A.] ALL PEDESTRIANS MUST KEEP WALKING ON THE BRIDGE.

THERE'LL BE NO STOPPING, NO CONGREGATING ON THE BRIDGE.

I HOPE IT'S OKAY. SHE AGREED TO BE MY BEST MAN.

YOU WERE RIGHT. I NEEDED TO HAVE A FRIEND HERE.

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY

FOR THE JOINING OF TWO WONDERFUL SOULS--

DEAN AND DARREN.

[MAN ON P.A.] PEDESTRIANS, KEEP MOVING ALONG THE WALK.

MAGGIE, DO YOU HAVE THE RINGS READY?

-YES. -OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

I THINK I'M GETTING A LITTLE AHEAD OF MYSELF.

-ALL RIGHT, JUST-- -GUARDS COMING FROM RIGHT.

-GUARDS COMING FROM RIGHT. -IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

YOU KNOW, NIAGARA FALLS, A LOT OF PEOPLE

DON'T KNOW THIS ABOUT NIAGARA FALLS,

BUT THERE'S OVER 3,000 TONS OF WATER

THAT SPILL OVER THAT EVERY SECOND. IT'S TRUE.

HE STOPPED. TURNED AROUND. HE TURNED AROUND.

OKAY, LOOK, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

PICK THIS UP A LOT FASTER, OKAY?

-HE'S COMING BACK. -COMING BACK.

YOU KNOW, NIAGARA FALLS IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

YEAH, WE'VE COME A LONG WAY FROM PHOENIX, ARIZONA.

AND IT IS TRULY THE CULMINATION

OF OUR JOURNEY AS CHRISTIAN MISSIONARIES

I JUST WANNA SAY THAT--

HE'S TURNING AROUND. HE'S TURNING AROUND.

OKAY, WE GOTTA WORK FAST. WE GOTTA WORK FAST.

GOTTA WORK-- COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

AHEM. OKAY, A FAST CEREMONY

DOESN'T MEAN A MEANINGLESS CEREMONY.

SO, I'VE BEEN DOING THIS THING A LONG TIME, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, I'VE DONE A MILLION WEDDINGS AND--

NOT ALL SAME-SEX WEDDINGS,

BUT ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

AND I'M TELLING YOU,

I FEEL LIKE I'VE KNOWN YOU MY WHOLE LIFE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY, BUT I JUST DO.

AND I SWEAR, YOU WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER

IF EVER THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE

THAT WERE ACTUALLY MEANT TO HAVE A WEDDING.

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

ALL RIGHT, DEAN--

DEAN, DO YOU TAKE DARREN

AS YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED--

[STAMMERING] HELP ME.

-HUSBAND. I DO. -HUSBAND.

[SHIBBAWITZ] GOOD, GOOD.

AND, DARREN, DO YOU TAKE DEAN AS YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED--

-JUST FILL IN THE BLANK. -HUSBAND. HUSBAND.

-HUSBAND, YES. -YES. YES, I DO.

[SOBS]

...POWER INVESTED IN ME--

[MAN ON P.A.] PLEASE DON'T CONGREGATE ON THE SIDEWALK.

BY POWER INVESTED IN ME BY THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK--

-[ALEX] COMING BACK! -I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU

-MAN AND-- -THEY GOT SHIBBAWITZ.

[MAN ON P.A.] THERE'LL BE NO CONGREGATING ON THE BRIDGE.

THEY GOT SHIBBAWITZ?

MAN AND WOMAN-- MAN AND--

A MARRIED COUPLE!

TAKE ME! I'M YOUR MAN!

THE PAPERS! HIS PAPERS!

PAPERS! THE PAPERS!

[SOBBING]

NO!

MAGGIE, THE RINGS! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!

I'M A JUDGE! I'M A MINISTER! I'M A SENSEI!

[MAN ON P.A.] ALL PEDESTRIANS ARE ASKED TO KEEP MOVING ON THE BRIDGE.

KISS THE BRIDE!

-[GASPS] -JUST KIDDING.

[MAN ON P.A.] THERE'S NO LOITERING ON THE BRIDGE.

-THEY DID IT. THEY DID IT. -THEY'RE MARRIED?

[MAN ON P.A.] PEDESTRIANS MUST KEEP MOVING. PLEASE CLEAR THE WALKWAY.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

THEY NEVER FORGET US, DO THEY, TIN?

LOOK HOW BIG DUKE IS GETTING.

HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS DAD.

YES, HE DOES.

HEY, IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD YEAR THIS YEAR.

YES.

[MUSIC PLAYING]