Original subtitles

MAN 1: Would you do me the honour, old boy?

I could do with a bit of practice. - With pleasure.

BOTH GRUNTING

MAN 1: Touche. Good hit.

MAN 2 SCREAMS

MAN 2 GROANS

JOHN: Well, they're having another purge.

Mm.

The other side, our worthy opponents.

HE CHUCKLES

It says here he was a German businessman.

Well, that's what it says.

HE GRUNTS I learned the truth earlier today.

From one of your undisclosed sources.

HE CHUCKLES

- Alas, poor George. - You knew him?

I knew him well. Georgie Vinkel is one of their top agents.

Funny, it's the second one they bumped off this month.

Wonder if they're going through a phase.

Rather a theatrical murder, wasn't it?

I don't see the thespian qualities of a rubbish dump.

No, I mean, the method, killed by the thrust of a rapier.

Oh, well, maybe they're economising on ammunition.

They do sometimes, you know.

Oh, did I tell you about that time when we went to the...

Hey, you've got a short.

I've got a visitor. It's my patent alarm system.

It's wired to the front door. Quick, he's breaking in.

- Steed. - Oh, well now.

All right, Martin. Your manners are still appalling.

CATHERINE: You know him?

He's one of their happy little band. They weren't economising. Get up!

I think I deserve an explanation. - My orders are to kill you.

Were, old fellow, were.

Do get your tenses right and do sit down.

Thank you.

Oh, why do you wanna kill me?

I always thought we were the best of enemies.

You know why. Because of Vinkel.

Oh, good old Georgie Vinkel.

Yes, I was reading about him in the paper, poor fellow.

You don't think that I did it. - Who else?

But that's impossible.

He was killed with a foil. My weapon is a sabre.

Anyway, Mrs Gale and I spent the weekend in Morocco.

You're slipping. I only got back a few hours ago.

- You can check. - Of course, he can.

I met a friend of yours out there, big fellow, moustache, garlic.

Otto.

That's right. Well, he'll tell you.

It can be so easily checked, you wouldn't lie about it.

JOHN CHUCKLES So, you didn't kill Vinkel?

No, I haven't killed anyone all week.

Then who did?

- We thought your lot did. - Why should we kill our top man?

- What about Nabors a few weeks ago? - Your people killed him.

- We thought that you did. - No.

Our wires are certainly getting crossed up, double-crossed.

Or triple-crossed.

Maybe somebody's playing you off, one against the other.

Give it back.

Uh-uh. Mustn't be a spoilsport.

Now, Martin, I think we better get all this straightened out.

Take me to your leader.

Colonel, please, will you listen?

Colonel, I tell you it's impossible to infiltrate

the Horse Guards in this country.

Our men don't have the necessary connections.

And besides, you know our funds are not generous.

If it was the Pioneer Corps now, we...

Yes, Colonel. No. I have no wish to be recalled.

Bah! My loyalty has never been in question.

KELLER SNIFFING Anyway, colonel,

anyway, we will infiltrate the Horse Guards...

..perhaps with a horse.

EYELIDS CLICKING

Now you just mind these stairs.

Thanks.

- Steed. - Hello, Keller.

Steed, my dear fellow, what a pleasure to see you again.

HE LAUGHS

I told you to kill him. - He had nothing to do with Vinkel.

- I was abroad at the time. - MARTIN: It's true. I checked.

All the same, perhaps one of your colleagues?

No, it wasn't one of ours. I'd have known.

That's ridiculous. I mean, if you didn't kill him

and we didn't, well, that supposes...

A third party...

..an organisation opposed to both of us.

But for what purpose?

Steal secrets, create mayhem, sell to the highest bidder.

Oh, but that's unethical.

Unethical or not, that's what we're up against,

a mutual enemy.

Oh! Oh, that's outrageous, scandalous!

I never heard anything so dishonest.

HE SNIFFS A bunch of amateurs.

Well, I'd hardly say that, you know.

Huh! Infamy! Infamy! What are we going to do?

Steed wants to call a truce.

Can't you see they're trying to drive a wedge between us?

We should pool our resources.

- You mean work together? - Why not?

- You and me? - We've always been very close.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, no. Headquarters would never agree to that.

They already have. I called them on my way here.

- You went over my head? - I considered the situation urgent.

Anyway, they're all for it.

They're sending you a directive to that effect.

So, it's pax for the moment.

KELLER CHUCKLING For the moment.

Well, this calls for a drink.

Do you know this takes me all back to old times, Keller?

Remember Vienna? - Remember? I still smell it.

Of course. HE LAUGHS

You were in that weird little pension

next door to the fish market, so I can understand that.

No, no. Well, the expenses they allowed me

did not permit me to...

And you in the Heldorf Hotel in the lap of luxury.

HE LAUGHS

But then, of course you paid for that

out of your own pocket, right? - What a naive thought.

- You mean that was all on expenses? - Naturally.

"England expects" and all that.

We have to maintain a certain standard, you know.

Oh... Oh, and if I so much as ask for a new office chair...

KELLER GRUNTING

Ah, but, wait a minute. What about that baccarat game?

Now, you lost 800 marks, surely, that was...

- Expenses. - And the champagne party?

- Expenses. - And the private plane to Berlin?

- Expenses! - And the blonde?

Expensive.

KELLER LAUGHING Oh. Oh, yes, those were the days.

HE CHUCKLES

Do you remember the Swede, big fellow?

- Aah. - Tremendous sense of humour.

BOTH LAUGHING

The day he stepped into the lift. - And you had removed the bottom.

Yeah! He laughed all the way down...

..13 floors.

Tremendous sense of humour, splendid chap.

I still carry the scarred bullet. - Pretty good.

He went down with a nail.

Oh, my dear, Sir, I'm so sorry. I was just a bit premature. Here.

Ah. Hey, since we're gonna be working together, Keller,

I think I ought to tell you, you know, that he's dead.

- Oh? - I've never seen her.

Oh, and he's retired. He's taken up horticulture.

- Well, thank you very much. - It's a pleasure.

- Well... to our new alliance. - To our new alliance.

Ah! Now, then... Ah. Whom will you send us?

Pool our resources, work together, was your idea. Well...

..I suggest that we send someone along to assist you,

and you send someone along to assist Martin.

- A hostage. - No, a sign of good faith,

and to make sure there's no funny business.

I'm afraid we cannot proceed without one, eh?

Can you provide someone?

Yes.

Excellent! Well, the exchange can take place where, erm,

your place later today? - Absolutely fine. Very well.

Er, it's going to be a pleasure working with you, Steed.

- Cheerio. Bye. - Dosvedanya.

BOTH LAUGHING Goodbye.

Oh, thank you very much, Martin.

Oh!

JOHN GRUNTS

JOHN LAUGHING

Who are you going to give him? Which of our operators?

Don't be stupid, Martin. You don't seriously imagine

I would deliver one of our people to Steed.

- Then... then who? - We find someone.

A woman perhaps.

Yes. Steed always likes working with a woman.

I congratulate you, Steed.

Getting them to agree to this truce shows real diplomatic flair.

Thank you, my dear.

You must have given them quite a line.

I, er, I gave them a little more than that.

Oh?

HE LAUGHS Something more tangible.

Money, you mean?

- Cheers. - Cheers.

It wasn't money. What was it?

- I've drowned it. - No.

- Look, there's plenty more here. - No.

- Steed? - Mm?

Did you make them some rash promise?

It's the most wonderful opportunity, my dear.

What is?

Well, to see how their side works, you know.

HE LAUGHS Very good experience.

I think you'll enjoy it. - I'll enjoy it?

Steed, what did you give them?

- I gave them you. - Me?

Well, not outright, of course, not as a sort of present.

An attempt to learn and bridge the gap.

You'll be a sort of bond. Hmm. Well, it's a fair exchange.

They've given me someone, too.

Wonder who I'll get.

Well, it all sounds awfully thrilling.

And, Miss Lawrence, you do understand

that the assignment will be an unusual one.

It's work. That's all that matters.

Yes. You see, we're a firm of publishers.

- Really? - Oh, this is the art department.

The problem is this chap Steed,

a fearfully decent type... - Oh, fearfully, fearfully.

But he's a bit eccentric. He's a writer.

- A method writer. - Yes. Yes, he's a method writer.

- Method? - Yes.

Er, he has to get right into his plots.

You see, he can't put pen to paper

until he's actually lived the whole plot.

I see.

At the moment, he's writing a spy story.

Yes. And, er, we have to provide a background for him,

and that's where you come in. - As what?

- A top agent. - Ooh.

No, really, we just want you to keep an eye on him,

you know, make sure he doesn't get into any trouble.

- And if he does? - Well, then you let us know.

It's just a question of feeling your way,

shouldn't be difficult for someone in your profession.

It would mean a lot of ad-libbing, of course.

You know, making it up as you go along.

BOTH CHUCKLING

But then, according to your files, you have plenty of experience.

Well, it's all in the blood really.

I mean, we Lawrences do go back to the 17th century.

Really?

KELLER CHUCKLES

- Well, what do you think? - Steed will like her.

Tell me, what's he like?

Well, apart from being, you know, you said,

a bit eccentric? - Oh, charming.

But utterly ruthless.

Steed, I am not yours to swap and barter.

Of course not, Mrs Gale.

What do you think you're running, a slave market?

Yeah... Oh, no, of course I'm not.

Look, I thought you'd grasp at the chance...

..chance of working cheek-by-jowl with Martin.

My cheek is going nowhere near his jowl.

Now, Mrs Jowl... Mrs Gale, look, this is a job of work. I need you.

You can't let me down now. - Give me one good reason why not.

I'll give you two. DOORBELL CHIMES

Now, they're coming now. The first thing is

you can find out how the other side works.

Now, unless you're there,

we shan't get a crack at this third party.

They're at our throats already.

We have got to collaborate, and I cannot do it without you.

DOORBELL CHIMING

Now I see how you got them to agree to that truce.

But you're a sly, cunning, devious, scheming...

Splendid. I'll let them in. DOORBELL CHIMING

Happy smile. Want him to like you.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hello.

Mr Steed, may I introduce Kim Lawrence?

John Steed, from us to you.

With love, of course. How do you do?

Very well.

Mm. May I have it back or are you going to read my palm?

Do come in.

- Oh, you must be Mrs Steed. - No, Mrs Gale.

Oh, I see.

Well, Mr Steed, we've kept our part of the bargain.

- Of course. You know Mrs Gale. - Yes, of course. She's your choice?

Couldn't keep her out of it. Ha!

I shall enjoy working with you, Mrs Gale.

It'll make a pleasant change.

Definitely would.

Ahem. Now, if you'll just sign this.

- Eh? - The receipt...

..for Miss Lawrence. - Oh.

Aren't you going to read it?

I think it's all in order.

JOHN: I'll check the inventory later.

Shall we go?

Aren't you forgetting something?

I want the movements of Vinkel. You know, I gotta start somewhere.

Vinkel had only been in the country 24 hours.

During that time, he made one call, at this address.

- Thank you very much. - I suggest you begin there.

I will indeed. Goodbye.

Oh, and congratulate Keller on his excellent taste, will you?

That's a very good painting. Is it you?

It's my great-grandfather.

- Will you have a drink? - Not before sundown.

Of course, you could draw the curtain.

HE CHUCKLES

- How much did Keller tell you? - Oh, nothing you wouldn't like.

I suppose he warned you to be on your guard.

My mother did that, when I was 12.

DOOR OPENS

Mr Harrap won't keep you waiting long.

Will you take a seat? - MARTIN: Thank you.

- What is this place? - I don't know.

- Then what are we doing here? - Vinkel came here.

It was one of several calls he made the day he died.

One of several? You told Steed...

I must keep something in reserve, Mrs Gale.

Even when you've agreed to a truce?

Yes, but a little cheating. A tiny edge over the other fellow.

That's expected. I'm sure Steed expects it.

Where else did Vinkel go that day?

You know, Mrs Gale, it really is a great pleasure

to meet you like this. I've admired you for some time.

Thank you. Where else did Vinkel go?

Vinkel? Oh, here, the address I gave Steed, a place in Pimlico.

Mrs Gale... do you realise it was at my instigation

that you were removed from our wanted list?

Wanted list?

Oh, yes, you're on it, second from top, right behind JB.

But I persuaded them...

Well, it was unthinkable that a woman like you...

We were talking about Vinkel.

- Vinkel? - Well?

Well, he came over here to find out someth...

Good. Then we'll expect to see you again tomorrow.

Thank you.

MAN: Excuse me.

MAN: Thank you.

ASSISTANT: Now, then, who's next, please?

The lady was first.

HE CLEARS THROAT ASSISTANT: Mr Harrap?

Oh, good afternoon. Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon. - May I have your name, please?

- Mrs Gale. - Take a seat, Mrs Gale.

You're, er, not a regular patient of mine, are you?

No. You were recommended to me.

Oh! One can't have too many recommendations

by word of mouth... BOTH CHUCKLE

..if you'll forgive the little joke.

Which of my patients was it, may I ask?

Vinkel, George Vinkel.

Oh, what seems to be the trouble, Mrs Gale?

Oh, no trouble. I just wanted a check-up.

Well, now, that shouldn't take us long, should it, Mr Harrap?

- Oh, no, er, no time at all. - Do you know him?

No, I don't recall a patient of that name.

Do you, Mr Harrap?

Mind you, we have so many on our books.

OK. Open wide.

SHOPKEEPER HUMMING A TUNE

SHOP BELL JINGLING

- Good morning, Sir. - Good morning, good morning.

I want a tie for the club.

Oh, yes, I can do that, Sir. Club, regiment or school.

This way, Sir.

- Likely place. - Likely for what?

Good cover for Mr B.

Now, here, now, now. Horace J Cleeves is at your service.

Now, this tie, Sir, an established club, I hope.

I don't touch anything frivolous. - Well, actually...

I had a gentleman in here the other day...

HE SCOFFS ..a gentleman...

More of a person, really...

Wanted a tie for the Pint and Knight Club.

But, you, er, I can see you're Eton, Sir,

so what club would it be? No, no, no, don't... don't tell me.

I like to guess.

- Er, Whyte's? - No.

Athenaeum? No, no, no, that's not... Boodle's. Oh, yes, yes,

you're very definitely Boodle's, Sir.

Er, blackballed. Now, the cl... The tie that I want

is for an old established sporting club. Now...

- I don't touch anything... - Frivolous. No, I know that.

- It's a very exclusive club. - Ah.

The Old Irascibles Fencing & Tottering Club.

- Old Irascible? - It's fearfully old.

Fencing & Tottering? Tottering?

Oh, I see. Er, well, you see,

we do a spot of fencing, and then we do a spot of tott...

Well, you know what I mean, drinking, heh.

I can't say I've ever heard of it, Sir.

I shall have to check my records.

I'm terribly sorry. I've set you rather a poser.

Hey, what's with this fencing business?

A shot in the dark. Vinkel was killed by the sword...

I know what you think! You don't think he's the one...

- Yes, I do. - Oh. But he's so old.

Yes, he is. SHE CHUCKLES

You seem to think this is all one big joke.

- Well, isn't it? - Where did you learn your job?

School of Hard Knocks. It's the best way, isn't it?

I was born into it, really. My family taught me.

Your father and mother were in it?

Oh, yes. They were both in the business.

Well, everyone was in my family, aunts, uncles, brothers, cousins.

- All? - All.

No, there isn't much I haven't done.

SHE SCOFFS Well, don't look so surprised.

After all, I did start when I was five.

- Five? - Assisting my great-grandmother.

Your great-grandmother was in it?

Oh, yes. She was a sweet old lady, terribly good with a knife...

..and stamina.

Do you know she went on working till she was over 89?

HE EXHALES Hey!

Don't seem to have any trace of the Old Irascibles.

- Oh, dear. - There's the Old Untouchables,

but that's an Indian regiment.

I think I'll take one of these. Thank you.

Very good, sir.

Hey, what a fine selection of swagger sticks.

Yes. That's nice. But this is the pick of the bunch

if you have an eye for hand-tooled silver...

En garde.

Ah, you've done a bit. I thought so.

Erm, long time ago, sir.

But old habits die hard. You keep in trim, then?

Well, my bones are a little stiff these days.

Ah. JOHN CHUCKLES

KIM HUMMING JOHN SNAPPING FINGERS

I thought that Vinkel said you'd fenced.

Sir?

Georgie Vinkel, he's a terrific swordsman.

Of course, you know him. He's a customer of yours.

Vinkel? That's a foreign name, isn't it?

That's right. He was in here the other day.

Thick-set Jerry. For that, how much?

Twenty five shillings, Sir.

I don't recall anybody of that description.

- Oh. - Will that be all?

That'll be all.

And there is one pound and five shillings.

I may be back, you never know.

Come along, my dear. You must be hungry.

- Mm. - That's a good girl.

Good day, Sir.

Your teeth are in excellent condition, Mrs Gale.

Really, there was no need to see me at all.

Oh, well, I like to be on the safe side.

- Yes, don't we all? - Thank you very much, Mr Harrap.

Oh, er, I must have made a mistake. About George Vinkel?

I probably got the addresses mixed up.

Yes, Mrs Gale. You must have made a mistake.

Hasn't she, Mr Harrap?

Martin?

LOCK CLICKS OPEN

- Look, I-I... - Shh. Shh. Shh.

Aren't you breaking into this shop?

- Well, he's gone to lunch. - Why, this... this is burglary.

- Breaking and entering. - Wh... What?

Breaking and entering, that's the correct term.

Oh. Well, whatever it's called, it's very illegal.

We'll both end up in Holloway. - You think there's a chance?

SHE MUMBLES

Oh.

KIM: Oh!

Where are... Oh! Oh, honestly.

Honestly, Keller told me you were a bit strange.

Don't believe him, pathological liar.

HE SNAPS FINGERS You're not helping.

- Well, it's awfully dusty here. - What of our bargain?

Oh, well, what do you want me to do?

Have a look in the back room.

- Mr Steed. - Yes.

What am I supposed to be looking for?

- Clues. - Clues?

Oh, clues.

Oh, yes. Will do. SHE CHUCKLES

Roedean?

Yes, well, what it boils down to, Mrs Gale is you have lost Martin.

I haven't lost him. He ran out on me.

I hardly think that is likely. My men do not run out.

Except possibly on your instructions.

My dear, there must be a mutual trust between us.

I agree. So I suggest you start by telling me where Martin is.

I do not know. But I suspect your Mr Steed does.

This whole thing bears the hallmarks of his style.

Why don't you call him?

DIALLING NUMBER

Away we go then.

Oh, not another trip to that dusty old place.

Yours not to reason why. Ready?

SHE GRUNTS

TELEPHONE RINGING

- Hello. - Steed?

'Yep.'

- I'd like to know what's going on? - 'Are you all right?'

Yes, of course, I'm all right.

- Have you see Martin? - Martin? Have you lost him then?

He's disappeared.

- 'Where are you?' - I'm at Keller's place.

'Is he there with you?'

'No, no, no, I haven't seen him. I was waiting for him at his club.'

- What do you think, Keller? - Well...

Has he been in touch with you?

No, I haven't heard one word, not one word.

Hello? Hello?

Don't want to overload Steed with information, do we?

RECEIVER SLAMS DOWN Ow!

Well... I will make further inquiries about Martin.

In the meantime, I take it you have no objection

to keeping to your side of the bargain.

You will remain here until Martin is found.

- Very well. - Thank you.

It's not that I don't trust you, Mrs Gale.

My motto is trust everybody, but... HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

..always cut the cards.

KELLER CHUCKLING

KEY TURNING IN LOCK

NO DIAL TONE

CATHERINE CLICKING HANDSET

- KELLER: 'He's a writer.' - MARTIN: 'A method writer.'

KELLER: 'Yes, that's it, a method writer.'

KIM: 'Method?'

KELLER: 'Yes, he has to get right into his plots.

'You see, he can't put pen to paper

'unless he's actually lived the whole plot.'

KIM: 'Oh, I see.'

AUDIO CONTINUES PLAYING

Forty...

..half a dozen... ten blazers...

One... SHOP BELLS JINGLING

MAN: Halt.

HORACE: Good afternoon, gentlemen. It's all ready for you,

if you'll just sign for it.

Just here.

Thank you.

- Oh, it's you again. - It jolly well is.

That tie you sold me, do you realise what it is?

It's the Wapping Voluntary.

Not only a regiment of the line, but foot soldiers.

Never.

- Wapping? - Wapping.

- But it's impossible. - I suggest you check your records.

Well, yes, right away.

So...

Pimlico, huh?

- Where are we off to now? - We're gonna follow them.

Would it be awfully bad form to enquire why?

Martin's body is in that box.

Ask a silly question...

Remember what we've learnt about the hailing of the taxicab.

Our first task is to stand out from the hurly burly of the menials.

Let us not forget that competition is fierce,

especially during the rainier season.

So, first of all, presence. Presence.

Feet firmly apart, balanced lightly on the toes,

shoulders squared. Hold the umbrella in the right hand.

We are now ready to hail our cab. The eye must select its objective.

Fix and hold the target with a steady eye.

Judge the speed of its approach, assess competitors nearby,

and, 1, 2, 3, hail.

Take your time from me, gentlemen, please.

1, 2, 3, hail! Square your shoulders, Bitler.

1, 2, 3, hail! Withers, we are waggling.

We are waggling when we should be thrusting.

We have been told about waggling before.

Thrust, men, thrust. That's better.

Through there.

All right. Get rested.

And how are we getting on

with the retrieval of the dropped handkerchief?

Let me see the gentleman go through his paces, Miss Betty.

Allow me.

Hmm. Superb. Absolutely superb, Sir.

Notice the pure economy of movement, gentlemen,

and the smile, observe the smile,

playing, just playing round the lips.

- Well, my congratulations, Sir. - Thank you very much.

I'm Mr Edgar, the principal of this establishment.

To whom do I have the honour of speaking?

I'm John Steed, and I introduce Miss Lawrence.

Honoured to make your acquaintance now.

Mr Steed, but what are you doing here?

Clearly, you could have no need of my services.

I mean, the cut of your coat to the run of your tie,

I'm... I'm lost in admiration.

So am I. Lost, I mean.

- Ma'am? - What is this place?

Oh, this, ma'am, is an academy of charm

for aspiring young gentlemen. We take the raw material

and believe me, sometimes it is very raw indeed.

And we turn the mere man into a gentleman.

We endeavour to impart them with those qualities

that some of us were lucky enough to be born with, eh, Mr Steed?

JOHN: Do you have much success?

EDGAR: Aye, that's all I can do is to try,

then if I may come to some small success,

I feel I've made some contribution.

Half a loaf is better than low-bred. BOTH CHUCKLE

- Mr Edgar, why... - The mask? My own idea.

Miss Betty is young and pretty,

and we don't want that to influence my pupils.

The true gentleman respects all women,

whatever their age or assets. Isn't that so, Mr Steed?

We wouldn't be influenced by a pretty face.

Well, of course not.

But you still haven't told me, Sir, the purpose of your visit.

- It's, er, rather confidential. - Oh, come to the office.

Miss Betty, will you carry on, please?

Er, this way, Mr Steed and Miss Lawrence.

JOHN: Thank you very much.

Now, Sir...

- I am looking for a friend. - Is he a pupil?

Possibly. His name is Vinkel.

EDGAR: It doesn't strike a chord.

No, I can safely say, I have no-one of that name.

- I have a photograph. - No, I have never seen this man.

- Must be misinformed. - Sorry I can't help you, Mr Steed.

Well, we better travel along.

KIM SCREAMS Oh!

Oh! Oh! I've lost it.

I've lost my own bowler. It looks like you've raided the...

We start our gentlemen off right, Mr Steed.

Ah, yes, if you start ahead, it's... Ooh!

Is anything the matter, Mr Steed?

He's been a bit light-headed all day.

I've been under a little strain.

Come and have a drink, you'll soon feel better.

- Thank you very much, my dear. - Thank you very much, Mr Edgar.

My pleasure, Miss Lawrence. JOHN GROANS

JOHN: My pleasure.

Charming man. Have you ever seen him before, Miss Betty?

No, Mr Edgar... no, never.

KEY TURNING IN LOCK

If you please, Mr Keller. Now get down there.

- Mrs Gale, your agreement. - I've decided to go back to Steed.

- Huh? - You know, Steed,

"The method writer. He's a bit eccentric."

- Oh, pardon me, Mrs Gale. - That girl you sent Steed

was just an actress, an actress you hired for the occasion.

- I fully... - You didn't even begin

to keep your side of the bargain, did you?

So I think that absolves me from keeping mine.

Working with you... KEYS CLANK

..has been an experience.

KEY TURNING IN LOCK

HE GRUNTS

NO DIAL TONE

HE CLICKS THE RECEIVER

- Do you do a lot of writing? - Mm, an old aunt in Eastbourne,

a few fellas from the war, I keep in touch occasionally.

- You are funny. - I wonder what they did with it.

- Did with what? - Martin's body.

Martin? Oh, Mr Steed,

you're not still on about that, honest?

Well, it's a problem, surely one you've come up against before.

A disappearing corpse?

Well, it's old as the hills, isn't it?

You know... I remember once in Cardiff, we had three,

two in a window seat

and the other one wrapped up in brown paper parcels.

- Brown paper parcels. - The pieces.

Dismembered, my dear. Simply gorgeous.

They never found the head. I had that in my sewing basket.

I think it's gonna rain. Do you think that too?

Drawing on your bountiful experience of bodies,

do you think you could help me over Martin's death?

Oh, all right, then. Come on, let's play your game.

Well, first there's a body in the crate

and then no body.

We followed the wrong one.

He's in the other crate. Will that do?

- Er, what other crate? - In the back of that shop.

Well, do you remember you told me to go in and look for clues?

Well, I did, and... Well, this did seem to me,

well, very clue-like.

You see, it had such a peculiar address.

And I thought to myself, well, heavens,

what would a dentist want with a crate full of bowler hats?

- There... that's the lot. - We ought to test them.

Don't worry. I guarantee they can all transmit up to 20 miles,

all in first-class order.

That's more than what can be said for you.

You want to get a grip on yourself.

What about that woman, eh, Mrs Gale? What about her?

- She didn't get anything from us. - No, but she suspected, didn't she?

You're breaking up, Harrap. The boss wouldn't like that.

DOOR OPENS MAN: Over there.

For goodness sake, I... I've just finished one batch.

Look, that's all. Enough is enough.

I'm not a machine. I'm tired. - This is different.

- No. - The boss says yes.

No. I won't. Equipment is my line, not that.

The boss says yes!

KIM: Oh, my goodness.

- JOHN: In you go, my dear. - KIM: I have to be...

- What is it? - It's that man, Steed and the girl.

- They were out at the school today. - What did I tell you?

WHISPERS: You know what to do. You know.

All you do is ask a few subtle questions

and watch for the reaction. - I'm positive my... contract

made no provision whatsoever for anything like that.

Now, what you have to say is, "I was recommended by a friend."

I was recommend... er, just a minute.

I-I was recommended by a friend.

- What's his name? - What's his na...

Oh... Winkle or something.

- Vinkel. - Vinkel, Vinkel.

- Who's next? - It's the young lady.

- I-I was recommended by a... - Leave that.

We were on the baked Alaska, and then a sudden twinge.

I thought I'd better bring her along right away.

Next time, don't worry. I shall read the very smallest print.

Cool eyes and chin up.

I... I was recommended by a friend.

Open wide. SHE MUMBLES

Hold still.

Miss Smythe. - KIM: Uh-oh.

SHE GRUNTS

GAS HISSING

- Steed. - Ah, Mrs Gale.

There's good news. Mafeking's been relieved.

You won't find anything here. I've already tried.

I just came to tell you, you've been double-crossed.

What do you mean?

That girl they sent you, Kim Lawrence,

she hasn't any idea what this is all about.

They told her some tale about you being a writer.

She's really an actress.

An actress?

That explains great-grandmama, the head in the sewing basket.

Let's see.

Have you seen Martin?

- Martin's dead. - How do you know?

I found him in a tub full of bowler hats.

Do you know that drill hasn't stopped once?

It'll do you little use, Miss Lawrence.

The bonds of the old school tie are well nigh impossible to break.

- Did you call him? - Yes. We're to move her.

But it was dangerous enough getting her here.

Those are his orders. This place is finished.

We're not to use it any more.

HE SIGHS Better get some help.

Well, put her out of sight first. Get that crate.

KIM TRYING TO SPEAK

Oh, if anything's happened to her...

I sent her in there, do you see? She didn't know. She's not a pro.

She didn't know what she was getting into.

That was Keller's fault, not yours.

I sent her in.

Now, where would they have taken her?

Where, where, where, where, where, where, where?

Did you find anything at all from Martin?

- Nothing that made any sense. - Try me.

Well, he talked a bit about Vinkel.

Steed, I think Vinkel was here on a very special assignment.

Of course, he was. He was after the man that we're after.

I guessed that from the start, the third party.

What else did Martin say?

He said something about an establishment in Pimlico.

Does that mean anything to you? - The charm school, of course.

Everything leads back there. Now, if they did that with Martin,

they'll do the same with Kim.

Phone Keller, tell him to come to this address within the hour,

and tell him to be prepared for trouble.

You're gonna use Keller after he tricked you?

Yep. I'm gonna use Keller and within the hour.

- Then what? - You come as well.

Don't go away.

MAN: Halt. Stand easy.

HAMMERING

MAN: Right... lift...

..and forward.

The grasp of the umbrella is extremely important, gentlemen.

The fingers folded so,

the forefinger aligned with the shaft,

the grip, firm but relaxed. The eye fixed on the target,

the feet lightly poised. Are you ready, gentlemen?

1, 2, 3,

kill! Parry, recover.

Take your time from me, gentlemen, please.

1, 2, 3, kill! Parry, recover.

Excellent, Dixon. Excellent. Nice deadly style.

Again, gentlemen.

1, 2, 3, kill! Parry, recover.

No, no, no, Peter, we are not robbing a balloon.

We are killing the enemy. All right. At ease, gentlemen.

We will now practice the short stab in the back...

..otherwise known as "show business."

In there, gentlemen, please.

Attention! Now, listen, gentlemen, grasp your umbrellas...

Now, with our eyes fixed firmly on our adversary,

you creep forward.

Creep, creep, creep,

creep, creep.

- EDGAR: Creep... - Right, gentlemen, follow me.

EDGAR CONTINUES INSTRUCTING

How do you feel?

Like someone who's been tied up and dumped in a box.

I'll get you out here in a jiffy.

- Oh. - What is it?

Heh, my old regiment. Oh. All right.

Pimlico...

..yes.

Well, congratulations, Mrs Gale. Oh, and Steed, too, of course.

Yes. Seems you had the edge on us after all. Heh.

I'll meet you both there right away. We spring this little trap together.

My dear... I always knew our alliance would prove fruitful.

Yeah.

Within the hour?

Keller and Mrs Gale have missed their cue, haven't they?

- I gotta get you out of here. - Amen to that.

Won't it be just a bit difficult?

EDGAR: Now, gentlemen,

we are now ready for a more serious test.

First of all, some practice against Oscar here.

And then some mutual combat with unguarded blades then.

It gingers up the reflexes tremendously.

Miss Betty, first of all, we will demonstrate the riposte Vicomte,

so-called after the famous nobleman.

EDGAR: We will make a call after the demonstration...

We have to get started.

If I get a chance, I'll reach the light switch.

And if you can't?

We don't ask that sort of question.

Oh.

PEOPLE APPLAUSE We are now ready to begin.

But, first of all,

we will take a glance at our enemy identification chart...

..bearing in mind the motto of our organisation...

..seek...

..hate...

..kill. - But he's here!

As soon as the lights go out, you make a dash for the door.

Keep going, whatever happens, and don't stop for me.

I won't even slow down to a trot for you.

That's the idea.

Should take you about five seconds to get across the floor.

If you don't mind.

Observe, gentlemen, please.

There's always the correct way of doing things, even in defeat.

I can handle the situation now, gentlemen.

We mustn't allow this intrusion to interfere with our studies.

OSCAR: All right, let's get back to fencing instruction.

All right, gentlemen, in two lines.

Lunge. Recover.

Recover.

Do make yourself comfortable.

FOILS CLANGING Waiting for our host, eh? The boss.

I'm sorry he couldn't get through to you.

It'll be a personal visit.

Yes, well, remarkably astute of you, Mr Steed.

Isn't there something brilliant you can do?

I'm thinking about it.

Ready, Betty?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

I'm disappointed in you, Mr Steed.

I thought you would have been a worthier opponent.

- The fortunes of war. - There are no fortunes in war.

The strongest wins. It's all quite simple.

- MAN: Edgar. - Over here, Sir.

- Hello, Steed. - Hello.

Miss Lawrence.

Clear the place, don't want too many witnesses.

Right, Sir.

Miss Betty, Oscar, you can dismiss class for the day.

Right, Sir. Class dismissed.

- All attended to, Sir. - Excellent.

And how do you like my little setup, Steed?

Highly trained force and getting better every day.

Very kind of you, Sir.

As you put it, "Create mayhem, steal secrets,

"sell to the highest bidder", and I'm in charge.

They passed me over long enough with their quibbling over expenses

and keeping me short of cash. Well... now I'm ready

to put their training to full advantage.

You seem surprised.

- No, I guessed. - Huh?

Vinkel was sent over to investigate you, wasn't he?

Huh... You really are a cunning old fox.

Then why did you send for me?

- I needed confirmation. - But Mrs Gale said...

- Mrs Gale. Where is she anyhow? - Pardon?

- Mrs Gale, the other woman. - There is no other woman, Sir.

You fool, she's here somewhere. KIM SCREAMING

STEED GRUNTS KELLER YELLS

You really are an actress. KELLER GRUNTS

MEN GRUNTING

OSCAR YELLS

KELLER YELLS

BOTH GRUNTING

Steed!

EDGAR YELLS

It's supposed to be unlucky.

KIM: He's up, Steed.

HE YELLS

You have a very disarming nature, Mrs Gale.

- Touche. - What a performance.

It was nothing, really.

Well, it was great-grandmama, you know.

- JOHN: Eh? - Oh, she had a knife-throwing act.

ALL CHUCKLE

I'm glad I have you two ladies on my side.

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