Original subtitles

MAN GRUNTS

A bit late with the tea, aren't they?

I think I'll just... Oh, what's this?

All right, first check.

Second check.

Final check.

This is it.

Radar alert, radar alert.

SIREN BLARES

- Newman reporting from West Welter. - MAN ON PHONE: 'Well?'

Complete success.

They've been signalling a full alert for 18 seconds.

'Excellent.'

What about the other stations, sir?

'Not a failure amongst them.'

Swell, sir.

A Merry Christmas to you.

'And a Happier New Year.'

THEME MUSIC PLAYING

DOORBELL RINGS

- Morning, Steed. - Mrs Gale, what a welcome surprise.

A little party I had last night.

I had a few friends in for a few drinks.

Few friends?

I was going to ask you to come

but I knew you always went away for Christmas.

Did you have a good time?

Yes, I spent my Christmas very quietly.

In Marrakesh?

HE CHUCKLES

I'm sorry about all this.

Oop, I wonder what happened to the jockey?

HE SIGHS

I'll get us some coffee in a minute when I've cleared all this up.

Ooh.

Of course, two hands would get it all done

a good deal more quickly. Oops.

OBJECT CLATTERS

Thank you very much for your present, by the way.

Oh, you liked it?

I didn't know they did them in crocodile.

Oh, that's really why I called, to thank you for yours.

It was beautiful. - Where did you put it?

Well, I, er, I tried it in the sitting room

but I felt it was more effective in the bedroom.

I should have thought that would have been immaterial.

I hear you missed a very good party, you know?

Why, weren't you here?

No, I had to leave in the middle of it, unfortunately.

- What, leave your guests? - Afraid so.

Must have been something pretty important.

It was. The third World War broke out.

All right, Steed, you've aroused my curiosity,

captured my interest, now give me an explanation.

It's top secret, you understand.

Now, yesterday, all our early warning radar stations

picked up an approaching missile attack

on this green and verdant isle.

Technically true. The top brass were all set

to light the blue paper and retire immediately.

- Well, why didn't they? - The signal faded away.

It was a false alarm, thank goodness.

Kind of freak reception.

It was a close call, though.

Another few seconds and you and I would have been mutating.

Where were the signals coming from?

That's what we're trying to find out.

Odd, though, wasn't it?

All those stations picking up the same pattern.

All except one, the radar station at Smallwood.

- Where's that? - It's on the Cornish Coast.

There's a map there on the mantelpiece

underneath the... underneath the teddy bear.

Smallwood. Now, that didn't pick up the signal at all,

continued to function quite normally.

What's this other place marked here on the map?

That's a little place I've taken an option on.

Sea view, trout fishing.

I thought I might buy myself a little bungalow.

It, er, looks quite close to Smallwood, this land of yours?

Yes, it is quite close.

It overlooks the entire installation in fact.

What an extraordinary coincidence.

Ha. Isn't it? Yes.

And the breakdown of all those radar stations,

is that a coincidence, too?

Oh, come now, you know me.

Exactly.

Heading for the last round-up?

It's a New Year's Eve party I've been invited to.

You like it?

Yesterday we were on the brink of World War III.

Is this a cause for celebration? - Er, the party shall be fun.

I've been invited by a friend of mine called Tony Linklater.

He made a fortune out of fertiliser.

Hey, would you like to come? - Where's it being held?

Banbury, Wolverhampton, Winnington, Shrewsbury, Epsom, and Chester.

It starts at Paddington.

STEAM LOCOMOTIVE STARTS UP

WESTERN MOVIE MUSIC PLAYS

STEAM WHISTLE BLOWS

PEOPLE CHATTER AND LAUGH

Ha-ha.

Good evening, sir, madam. May I have a look at your tickets?

Your invitations, sir.

Er, thank you.

Here to your right.

Drinks are being served in the Pullman coach.

Good evening, sir.

May I see your ticket, please?

Welcome aboard, Mr Steed.

Drinks are now being served. - Splendid.

In the club car, sir, that way, end of the corridor.

Oh.

ENGINE CHUGGING

STEAM WHISTLE BLOWS

CONDUCTOR'S WHISTLE BLOWS

PRESTON CHUCKLES

We're already having champagne.

You can go right up to the barman. Blow them in the barman's face.

BOTH LAUGHING All right, watch it.

- There they are. - Hold that thought.

Hello, my dear fellow, come in.

- Hello. - Join the party.

HE LAUGHS

We seem to be the first.

They're doing us proud, too.

- They are indeed. - What are you going to have, huh?

- I'll have one of those, I think. - Barman?

- Here we go. - Hello.

Hello. Isn't it a terribly clever idea

a party on a train like this? Don't you think it's just fabby?

- Very apt, fabby. - There you are, old man.

JOHN CHUCKLES

I'm afraid you'll have to make do with this.

There don't seem to be any sort of milk.

My name's Preston by the way, Frederick Preston.

- John Steed. - Delighted to meet you.

And this is, er... What did you say your name was?

- Jane Wentworth. - Jane.

- I'm a pussycat. - So I see.

Whoops! - Oh! You'll make me purr.

HE CHUCKLES

Actually, though, I'm very glad you arrived.

I thought everybody was going to be very stodgy.

Mr Steed, if it were always like this,

commuting would be a pleasure, wouldn't it?

- It would, and cheers to us all. - Cheers.

WHISTLE BLOWS AND ENGINE CHUGS

Thank you, miss.

To your left, club car.

Excuse me, please, your invitation?

Good evening, gentlemen. May I see your invitations, please?

- Certainly. - Er, thank you, thank you.

Club car is to your left, end of the corridor.

Thank you.

Now then...

PARTY MUSIC PLAYING

PARTY HORN TOOTING

PARTY HORN TOOTING

Ha-ha!

Dorothy Wilson.

ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY

You're on the Sunday Clarion, aren't you?

- Yes, fashion editor. - A very authentic costume.

Does that little old thing there work?

Yes, our features editor loaned it to me, and...

- Whoops! - It's loaded.

By the way, where's our host? - Doesn't seem to be here yet.

Can I get you something?

I better see what there is. Excuse me.

Right.

It's a lovely, lovely idea.

There's a beautiful girl behind that mask.

- Absolutely fabby, don't you agree? - I take you mean fabulous?

- JOHN: The eyes were blue I think. - Fabby, fabulous.

I hardly think these events will pass into fabled legend.

Excuse me, back to the necessary.

- Go for your gun. - WILSON: Whoa!

I ought to run you in.

ALL LAUGH

Well, it's the form, innit? Showdown at noon tomorrow.

Why you say that? Why noon tomorrow?

Well, it's the form, innit?

Oh, of course, the sheriff, yes. Ha-ha.

Lovely old carriage, isn't it?

Victorian, you know.

See them panels? About 1882.

Are you in the antique business?

No, trains is what I was in. Used to work for the railways.

Twenty years of it, nearly.

Jumping when everybody else said jump.

Now I do what I like, when I like.

I won the Irish Sweeps, see.

- Hi. - Oh, Mr Cavendish.

Welcome aboard, sir.

All right. All right.

This is a real big deal, isn't it? Right bloomin'.

Where's Charlie at? - Charlie?

Yeah, Charlie Minton.

You ought to know, it's his party, isn't it?

Oh, Charlie, Charlie, yes.

Well, he'll be somewhere on the train.

Chasing after some bit of frippit, I'll wager.

Does himself proud, does Charlie.

HE CHUCKLES Hello.

I don't do so bad, meself.

Come on there, this way.

Excuse me, sir. Not that way, the club car.

- I go where I like. - Oh, yes, but Mr Minton. Charlie,

he asked specifically for you to be sent to the club car, sir.

- Oh, yeah. - Only his special guests

are going there.

Oh, a bit more private, like, eh?

Have to be somebody in there I'm to meet.

Down here? - Yes, sir.

Right.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

ENGINE CHUGS

PRESTON: The stationmaster went green

when I told him I was chucking it in.

ALL LAUGHING We're off then. Feel that?

First set of points out of the junction,

now we swing... -MAN: Now we swing.

Now for the main line. - We do, he's right.

The voice of experience.

Can't get it out of my system, you see.

Do you know what I'm doing?

I'm buying meself a railway station.

- Buy? - Hey! Absolutely marvellous.

Where is your station? - It's down on the Cornish Coast.

That's right, a big one.

None of those namby-pamby measures.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, we haven't been formally introduced,

but, er, I suspect most of you have heard Charlie talking about me.

Billy Cavendish, William J.

Business or a party. I don't believe in argy-bargy,

so you might as well know I'm stopping right here

until I am absolutely bug-eyed.

HE LAUGHS WOMAN: He's bug-eyed already.

All right, well, here's to good old Charlie, then.

Who does he mean by Charlie?

ALL LAUGHING AND SHOUTING

Sorry. Can't go through there. The bar is closed.

Come on. Back the other way. Come on. Bar is closed

Come on then.

ALL LAUGHING AND CHATTERING

PARTY HORN TOOTING

- Have you a light? - There we are. Coming up.

Steed, isn't it?

- Got it? Yes, that's right. - Er, you get a lot of ribbing?

- Ribbing? - Yes, you know,

Steed, funny name like that... Horses, stallions and so forth.

I expect you take a lot of ribbing.

No, I haven't heard anything since my prep school days.

Oh, I see. One of those old school tie types, eh?

But I started from nothing. Now look at me.

Half a dozen companies, villa in Kent.

Five cars. Five of them.

I change 'em every year, cost doesn't bother me.

Excuse me.

Wouldn't mind being held up by her. Bit on the skinny side, though.

Like 'em plump meself.

BILLY: Hello. Oh, hey, yeah.

Hey, watch it! You'll have it off.

Thought it was all right there. Said she was a model.

Then I find out she really does model.

It's not like Charlie at all.

Hey, where is Charlie, anyway? Hmm? I better go find him.

Mm. I'll be back.

Charlie! Hey!

Do you suppose that chap gate-crashed?

I can hardly associate him with Sir Arthur Linden.

- Why should you? - Sir Arthur is our host.

Come, come, old man, we're all guests of Major Manville.

I don't know anybody named Manville.

You ought to look at your invitation more closely.

Look. There you are. Major Manville requests...

- Take a look at mine. - What?

Well, how extraordinary. Sir Arthur Linden.

JOHN: Well, I was invited by Tony Linklater, fertiliser.

- Excuse me, sir. - Oh, hey.

Could I help you?

You can get out me way, I'm going on the train.

But your host, sir, he wants you to remain in the club car.

Well, I bet he doesn't know that bunch of toffee-nosed snobs.

While he corners all the nookey someplace else.

Come on. - I'm sorry, sir,

but my instructions are that you should not be allowed to leave.

Instructions? Allowed? Come on, but this is a party.

Do you know who I am? - Yes, Mr Cavendish.

Oh, you'll soon see you can't get away with that sort of thing.

HE GRUNTS

As far as I know,

it was the sweepstake people who invited me.

My editor asked me along.

I suppose this isn't some sort of cheap, journalistic trick.

Oh, don't be so ridiculous.

Well, I wouldn't put it past some papers.

What does it matter anyway? It's a party.

I'm going to enjoy myself. - I think she's absolutely right.

I agree. We're all the victims of some practical joke

but so far I'm enjoying myself.

Hey, it must be almost midnight.

And it is. Who's without a drink?

ALL YELL IN EXCITEMENT

Hey.

ENGINE CHUGGING SLOWS

BRAKES SCREECH

JOHN: Five, four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year! Happy New Year to you.

- We've stopped. - Happy New Year.

Happy New Year!

# Should old acquaintance be forgot

# And never brought to mind

# Should old acquaintance be forgot

# And the days of auld lang syne

# For auld lang syne, my dear

# For auld lang syne

# We'll take a cup of kindness yet

# For auld lang syne. # PARTY HORN TOOTING

ALL YELLING AND SHOUTING

- Happy New Year. - Hey! Hey! We have stopped.

- What? Where are we? - JANE: Yeah, where are we?

I'm quite giddy. Hold on a second and let us all see...

Wolverhampton.

ALL CHATTER INDISTINCTLY

ALL STOPS CHATTERING

Here.

It's a bit quiet for Wolverhampton, isn't it?

WILSON: It's a bit quiet altogether.

- It is, isn't it? Hold on. - What... Where are you going?

- JOHN: Let's have a look. - Is there anybody else around?

PRESTON: Locked up...

Hey, there then.

Steady, steady, steady. - Drunken lout!

No, he's not drunk. What happened to you, eh?

Bloke, conductor bloke, clobbered me.

PRESTON: What? This is too much.

We'll find him and see what he has to stay.

Come to the bar and lay down. Right this way.

Watch it now.

Let's have a look. There we are.

Well, that's funny, it's locked.

PRESTON: Mr Steed!

The place is...

Badger's Mount closed down years ago.

Hey, where's the rest of the train?

The horse has bolted.

HE COUGHS

PRESTON: Well?

- Nothing here, how about you? - Nothing.

Well, the place is completely deserted.

Same outside. Not a soul anywhere.

Hey, it's odd there wasn't a guard.

Well, it's a private excursion.

All the same, there should've been a guard.

It's against regulations not to.

Well, what do we do now?

We have a word with the others in the club car.

- All right. - Excuse me, Napoleon.

Outrageous.

Yeah, I got to be in town tomorrow.

Dead on the dot of twelve. Important business.

- So have I. - At noon tomorrow?

- Yes. - What kind of business?

- We're back. - BILLY: Well, what's the scoop?

Our friend is right, the place is deserted.

Of course, it's deserted.

I told you Badger's Mount closed down years ago.

Used to be a mine or something around here.

That died, so did the village and the station.

Everybody moved away. - You know this area then?

Well, I worked this line a couple of times, yeah.

How far away is the nearest town?

Padiham would be the nearest. That's about ten miles.

I don't even think there's a proper road in here any more.

Must be a farmhouse around somewhere.

Somewhere, but where? I mean, this time of night,

you could walk round for miles and never find one.

We seem to be marooned. We'll have to make the best of it.

- Yeah. - I say, it could be fun.

You can make the best if you got a mind to,

but I'm not spending the night stuck in the middle of nowhere.

I've got things to do tomorrow. - JOHN: And what do you suggest?

It's obvious, isn't it? One of us has got to go and fetch some help.

Are you volunteering, Mr Cavendish?

No, I'm not. I'm not much of a one for walking.

- Well, who then? - What about him?

He's already admitted he knows the area.

But a ten-mile walk at this time of night?

Yeah, it only takes one of us to fetch help, doesn't it?

Better than stuck here doing nothing.

Well, we've no right to ask you...

Oh, I don't mind. I don't mind going.

It'll take a few hours, but I don't mind.

- BILLY: Well, that's settled then. - Right.

- I don't think you should leave. - Why not?

I don't know.

I don't think he should, that's all. We should stay together.

Well, I'm inclined to agree with her.

For bleedin' sake, the man's agreed, hasn't he?

Yes, but it's such a long way.

Look, I can't afford to wait till morning.

If we leave it till that long,

we'll never be in town by noon tomorrow, and I've got to be.

And so have you, said so yourself. - And me.

Well, none of us want to stay here all night.

- There you are. - But it is a long walk.

I've got to be in town early tomorrow.

There's no point in hanging about here.

Sooner I leave, sooner I get back. Behave yourselves.

And don't bother about the expense. Send a fast car back. I'll pay.

Right. There'll be a very good tip for him.

HE WHISTLES THE TUNE OF AULD LANG SYNE

- Why didn't you want him to leave? - I'm not sure.

It's so dark out there, isn't it?

I just got this feeling. This isn't a joke any more.

Joke? Of course, it's a joke. It's a damn poor one, too.

Mind you, we ought to have known.

We'd have been warned. - How?

Well, the invitation. Look. Look, see there now.

Like a ruddy great train ticket, isn't it?

But have you read the small print?

Oh, yeah, always read the small print.

Now look there, see... "Valid for single journey only."

The lights!

Er, the batteries are going. They can't last all night.

- It's getting cold, too. - Mm. And spooky.

We all go in the waiting room. We'll have a cosy fire. Come on.

That's a jolly good idea.

BILLY: I'll bring the booze.

PRESTON: All right...

Here we go. - WILSON: My coat. It's cold.

JOHN: All right, little lady, now watch the Grand Canyon. Whoops.

- Oh! Chilly, isn't it? - I think it is, rather.

Er, we've come on through, perfectly fine.

After you.

- Ooh. - Oh, that's better.

Well, well, well.

Well, how kind of him. - Eh?

Well, the sheriff fellow, he must have lit it before he left.

That grate was empty when we were here.

WILSON: But it must have been him, mustn't it?

He wouldn't have had time.

Then that supposes there's someone else on this station.

Yes, it supposes.

What are you driving at, Mr Steed?

Do you know something we don't? - I reckon he does.

He's taken all this business very quietly, hasn't he?

I reckon there's more to him than meets the eye.

I'd like to know what. - Why are we all here?

- PRESTON: How do you mean? - Why us? Why just us?

A good question. I've been asking myself the same thing.

- What do you mean? - Well, you must see

we've all been specially selected to be victims of this joke.

The club car.

It was only us sent to the club car, wasn't it?

When I tried to leave, that fella clobbers me.

Exactly. But why?

Do you suppose it's a mass kidnapping?

BILLY: I'm certainly worth a bob or two.

Doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.

No, nor me. I'm mortgaged up to me whiskers.

Just the same we were lured onto that train.

All those invitations purporting to come from personal friends.

But what is the common link?

Background? GLASS CLINKS

I think not.

Well, how about profession?

I dabble on the stock exchange myself.

Steel mostly. BOTTLE THUDS

That's it. I'm interested in that line meself, scrap metal.

But Jane here is a model. I work on a paper. And you?

Electronics.

Really? I didn't know.

Yes, a government establishment.

I can't tell you more than that, I'm afraid.

I'm not allowed to. - JOHN: Oh.

And what about you?

Well, we didn't finish our little discussion about you, did we?

Well, there's not much to me. I ride, shoot a little,

cast a creditable dry fly.

Yeah, but that's not work, is it?

It can be. These weekend house parties.

The dogs take all the best chairs.

The guests have to sit on the floor playing mahjong.

Er, excuse me. - Bloody lounge lizard.

Gentleman of leisure, please.

- That doesn't get us anywhere. - If you want to know what I think,

I think it's got something to do with noon tomorrow.

That's exactly what I've been thinking.

- Thinking what? - Thing we all have in common.

An important appointment in town tomorrow.

- Good grief. - JOHN: You, too?

Why, yes, it's imperative I'm there by twelve tomorrow.

And me, that only leaves you.

Yes, I have an appointment, too.

You mean, somebody's trying to nobble me business-wise?

JOHN: Somebody appears to be trying to nobble us all.

But why? I can understand it in your case, Mr Cavendish,

big business. But with me, why, I only have to be in town

to conclude a small land deal.

- Land? What kind of land? - One solitary building flat.

- Where? - In Cornwall.

- On the Millhouse Estate? - Why, yes.

- At Smallwood? - Yes.

We're all going to be neighbours, at least we were all going to.

I'm going to build a roadhouse. Took an option on the plot.

But the option has to be taken up at twelve noon tomorrow.

Er, as good as signed and sealed.

And if it becomes invalid, somebody else could grab it.

Well, he's not getting away with it. Not with me, he won't.

Soon as that sheriff fellow comes back with the car,

I'm off to town. Right. HE CHUCKLES

Well, chaps, we've run out. I'll go and get another bottle.

It's a cheeky scheme, and a bit thin, too.

I mean, how did he hope to keep us all here?

I suppose you wanted your land to be near your work?

Well, electronics, you know, government work.

There's a big installation down there at Smallwood.

I didn't say I worked at Smallwood, Mr Steed.

I thought just a cottage somewhere quiet

to go spend an occasional weekend.

So that's what you wanted the land for.

That's what I want the land for, Mr Steed.

It's not in the past tense yet. He hasn't beaten us.

What makes you so sure that it's a he?

JANE: What a way to spend the New Year.

I think we all ought to wait here for the sheriff.

He'll come back with a posse or a taxi or...

There's the weakness. Cavendish was right.

The scheme is a bit thin.

I mean, how could he hope to keep us all here?

Probably going to delay us a little. That's all.

Yes, but there's nothing to stop us getting up

and walking out... DOOR LATCHES

I thought I heard someone come in here.

Yes, so did I. WOMAN SCREAMS

PRESTON: Well, the lazy bounder! He didn't even go.

But who could have done this?

- Certainly wasn't Cupid. - BILLY: Hey!

Some blighter's pinched me bow and arrows.

MUFFLED SCREAMING

I've never used the darn thing in me life.

Wouldn't know which end was which. That's the truth.

Nobody's doubting you, Mr Cavendish,

but I think it explains your question.

How we're all to be kept here.

Now, look. Can you get them there in the waiting room?

I'll go and look around. - Yes, of course.

There's no sense in wasting this. We could all use a drink.

Let's all go to the waiting room, eh? Come on, Pussy.

That's right.

Come on, dear fellow, come on.

We'll have a nice drink.

Don't look so worried.

WHISTLE CALL

- Is that you? - CATHERINE: Yes.

The sheriff is dead.

But I saw him leave.

Yes. We found him in the ticket office with an arrow in his back.

They must have killed him outside and brought him back in.

I'm not blaming you.

How many of them are there? - I'm not sure, at least two.

Was the conductor one of them?

Yes, I caught a glimpse of him over there.

The other side of the line. Strategic position.

Steed, why was the sheriff killed?

He seemed so eager to leave, I thought he must be our man.

Obviously, he wasn't.

You stay this side of the line.

They know the layout, we don't.

Surely you're not worried about me, Steed.

No, me. You're my only eye.

Well, there's no doubt about it.

Our practical joker really means business.

- We ought to fetch the police. - Ten miles away?

It's really dark out there.

We're stuck in the middle of nowhere.

You can go. I'm stopping here.

- That's just what he wants. - I've gathered that.

And if I stay put, no harm will come to me.

- Well, I'm going... - I think we should

all agree to go or none of us should.

- That makes sense to me. - I don't want you to go.

I don't like to lose you, little kitten,

but I'm afraid I have to.

- Hey, there's someone missing. - Eh?

Dorothy Wilson, the highwaywoman. Where is she?

Handle the girl all right?

- What do you think? - Neatly I hope.

Boss likes everything to be neat.

I know, I know.

HE CHUCKLES

Quiet, that's the advantage of this.

No noise.

Just a little swish.

All right, you keep an eye out in here

and see no-one else starts hanging about.

I'll keep watch the other side. - OK.

No luck there. How about you?

No sign of her.

Carry on looking. I'll try the club car.

Right.

Sort of taken charge around here, hasn't he? Hmm?

Yes.

OBJECT CLATTERS

HE GRUNTS

JOHN: Well, I had no luck, either.

Couldn't find her anywhere.

Miss Wilson went to the club car to get her purse.

Really? I must have just missed you.

Perhaps you weren't looking any too hard.

- PRESTON: Now, Mr Cavendish. - Probably just an excuse, eh?

Get away for a while, attend to some other business.

- I don't quite understand. - What's that?

Somebody just took a shot at me, too.

Did they now? With none of us there to see.

That was very convenient. - Mr Caven...

No, I believe I'm just speaking my mind.

This fellow's been smart ruddy Aleck the whole evening, hasn't he?

Reckon he knows too much about this business for my comfort.

- Sit down. - It couldn't possibly be him.

He's much too sweet. - No, he's it for my business.

- Would somebody mind explaining? - Explaining?

He's a cool one, isn't he? You know damn well what we're on about.

Mr Cavendish. Enough! Please.

We had a meeting while you were out.

Obviously.

There are six of us here, Mr Steed,

but there were seven.

Did you, er,

did you work that out all by yourselves?

There were seven of us in that club car, Mr Steed.

It was Miss Wentworth here who points out a fact

we'd all of us overlooked. - Oh, yes,

but I still don't think it's you.

Seven of us and only six plots.

The sheriff said he'd bought some land.

An old railway station.

BILLY: Of course, he did. Remember, the Smallwood plots

has got a disused station on it.

That accounts for one piece of land.

But five still remain,

five plots and six people claiming ownership.

JOHN: I see what you mean.

That leaves us with only one solution.

One of us here is an imposter.

Well, that's an unpleasant thought, decidedly unpleasant.

And I've been nominated in my absence

as the man most likely? - If the cap fits.

- I'm sorry to disappoint you.

I also have an option on a piece of land.

Ah. Well, so it still could be anyone.

Anyone.

There is a way. We can narrow it down.

Miss Wilson, will you come over here and sit down.

Mr Steed.

JOHN SIGHS LEISURELY

Map of the Smallwood estate.

You carry it with you at all times, eh?

I'm a meticulous man, Mr Steed.

Meticulous.

Now, it's quite simple.

We all know...

we can eliminate this plot.

That's where the old railway station is.

The others I'm going to number from one to five.

BILLY: What the devil is that going to do?

Well, it's very simple.

We all of us know which plot is ours, don't we?

- Oh, yes, mine's the one... - No, no, don't tell us.

Just pick it out on the map then write down the number.

And we'll each of us show which one we've chosen.

Thank you.

Eyes down for a full house.

One of those numbers must be duplicated.

That should get us somewhere.

Well? - JOHN: Very well.

Oh, as it was my idea...

Number one.

Number five.

Miss Wilson?

- Number four. - What about smart aleck here?

Another four, what did I tell you?

- JOHN: What do we do now? - Lock them both up.

- Eh. - Why?

As Mr Steed pointed out,

this could just as easily have been planned by a woman.

- Yes, but we know it's him. - Do we?

Miss Wilson was out of our sight for some time, too.

But I've explained that...

Better to be on the safe side, I think.

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable expl...

Oblige me by removing that arrow, Mr Preston.

Does that go with the costume?

My government work, Mr Steed.

It compels me to carry it at all times.

But these do go with the costume.

HE SIGHS Meticulous.

THEME MUSIC PLAYING

JOHN SIGHS

What on Earth made you choose my plot, number four?

A sea view with trout fishing.

Trout fishing, remember? And I picked the one plot of land

the trout stream doesn't run through,

so how does it turn out to be yours?

You might have known I'd been poaching.

BOTH: Oh!

HE SIGHS

I wonder if I could try shooting them off?

- Is that real? - Of course.

Why didn't you use it?

Oh, I didn't know about our friend the policeman.

He might have meant well.

We can't go popping off innocent people.

I did know somebody who tried shooting a pair of handcuffs off.

What happened?

Nowadays he's laughingly known as Lefty.

HE SIGHS Have you got a hairpin?

In here.

HE CLEARS THROAT

- I'll have these off in a jiffy. - You think so?

Yeah, I took a handcuff course not too long ago.

Hold on. HE GRUNTS

- Steed? - Yeah?

Your taking an option on that land wasn't a coincidence, was it?

- No. - Then why?

I've known for some time that someone's been buying up

sections of land strategically close

to our early warning radar stations. Er!

- Ooh! - Oh, sorry.

They use, er, special companies, spurious usually, to do it,

and do it secretly from a numbered account in a Swiss bank.

Would you hold that a minute?

Wasn't till the other day I realised why.

- The missile attack. - Eh?

- The missile attack. - Yeah.

Now, all these sections of land have something in common.

They haven't been built on

and never more than a couple of miles away

from the early warning radar station.

They held some elevation. They're an ideal spot anyway

to set up some sort of temporary transmitter.

A transmitter? Or a jamming device, you mean?

Oh, something like that.

Anyway, something that can feed

incorrect information to the station.

What would be the value of a device like that?

Take the other day.

Supposing that were to happen every day?

A series of false alarms?

It'd be pretty nerve-wracking. - More than that.

Our radar people would begin to doubt their own equipment.

Never mind that. HE GRUNTS

No need to have all the radar stations sewn up,

to do that, but Smallwood.

JOHN GRUNTS

Did you pass that handcuff course?

HE GRUNTS

Well, it'll be daylight soon.

Everything will look different in the morning.

We'll be able to see that ten-mile hike ahead of us.

That'll be something.

That fellow, Steed, will get his desserts, too.

That'll be something.

You still think he's responsible?

Of course, I do. Don't you? HE SCOFFS

- He couldn't have... - You locked him up.

He couldn't have done it alone.

That's certain. HE COCKS GUN

I think I'll take a look around.

What's got into him?

- It was a silly mistake to make. - BILLY: Eh?

Steed and that woman.

If either of them was the person, it was a silly mistake to make.

BILLY: How do you mean?

Not knowing about the land, I mean.

Well, that sort of person may often overlook a small detail.

Yes, but the party and everything.

Nothing was overlooked there, was it?

Yeah, it was well organised, I'll grant you that.

Well, that's daft.

Well, this means if... if neither of them was the one,

must be one of us.

It was well organised, wasn't it?

By a meticulous mind.

Aye. Aye, ruddy meticulous.

Reckon we better see what he's up to.

HE GROANS

HE SIGHS I hope this isn't early Victorian.

My course didn't embrace antiques.

Steed, is he here, the man who's behind it all?

I think so.

You knew that when you accepted the invitation?

Well, let's put it like this...

I know that my friend, Tony Linklater,

was in the Argentine at the moment, and it was he who invited me.

Surely the last thing whoever was behind this business would want

would be for the land business to come out into the open.

I mean, now he's got to kill us all,

and you and I are sitting ducks.

That's precisely what I want. A last resort.

HE CHUCKLES He's got to come to us.

Oh.

We gotta get rid of all of them.

- But... - That's right.

The boss just told me.

Someone's blown the gaff, so they've all got to go,

quiet and neat, the way the boss likes it.

You can start there.

Ah-ha.

She's fascinated by me. It's my winning smile.

You took a smile course?

That's a natural attribute.

Hey, Pussy. Pussy, Pussy, Pussy? SHE SIGHS

Hello, I still think you're rather nice.

I think you're absolutely enchanting.

SHE CHUCKLES You're rather fabby yourself.

And so are you.

I wish I could do something about it, but I can't... Er!

JANE: Oh, dear, dear, dear. Tsk, tsk.

Now, if you were willing to help me...

Oh, but I couldn't do that. The others wouldn't like it a bit.

But the others aren't here.

Come on, all I need is a screwdriver.

There's probably one in the drawer there.

Hmm.

SHE CHUCKLES Oh, no, really, I couldn't.

Oh, why not? You're not scared of me, are you?

Of course, you aren't. I wouldn't hurt

a fascinating little creature like you.

- Well... You might. - But I wouldn't.

- Yes, but you might. - But I wouldn't.

Trust... Oh! SHE GRUNTS SOFTLY

Cross my heart.

Look, I'm absolutely innocent.

I'm as innocent as you are. - Oh, ho!

Now, I warn you

the longer I stay here, the more danger you're in.

I've would have thought it completely the opposite.

Oh, come on now. Please.

Hmm...

DRAWER OPENS

No.

But you did ask nicely.

So much for the homme fatal.

I could see she was just crazy about you.

HE CHUCKLES

Well, beneath the wooing words hangs the evil deed.

Pickpocket course, too?

It's a lot stronger.

HE GRUNTS

Oh, yes, this is much better.

By the way, how did you swap clothes with Dorothy Wilson?

Did you bop her in the cupboard or something?

I didn't have to. She was laid out cold

in the carriage when I found her.

Chloroformed.

- That's Dorothy Wilson. - Yes.

Well, then who's the woman with Steed?

That's what I'd like to know.

Fetch some brandy and don't tell the others about this. Not yet.

All right.

Er! Let's get going.

Steed, you know that business of the numbered plots

could've worked. It just wasn't brought to a conclusion.

Quite right, that's your department. Spilt up.

OBJECT CLATTER FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

Have you got it? She's coming round, I think.

Come on.

HE GRUNTS

See, you damn fool, somebody swapped costumes.

- It was... - You let somebody cross us up.

And you know the boss likes things neat.

He'll have your guts for garters when he finds out.

Trust me.

Oh, I don't know. Can't find them anywhere.

Stay where you are, Mr Cavendish.

Pussy, there's a scrap of paper under that table.

Get it for me.

We're going to finish our game of find the plot.

Well.

It's blank.

There's nothing on it. - That... that's not mine.

See, I still got mine here.

Go on.

- Here. See? - Put it on the table.

Number three.

Number three?

That leaves only one person.

Quite right, my dear lady.

And unfortunately prophetic, too.

It will leave only one of our gay little party.

- Hold it, blondie. - Raise your hands, please.

I'm afraid you all stand in the way of my mission.

Nobody must do that.

Committing the world to an atomic war,

you call that a mission? - There will be destruction, yes.

But there will also be the defeated and the victors.

I intend to be among the latter.

Where's Mr Steed?

No matter. I shall find him.

Make it neat this time.

Come on, over against the bar, hmm?

HE GRUNTS

FORTUNE-TELLING SCALE: 'You are...

'You have a strenuous day ahead.'

BOTH GRUNTING

JOHN: Mr Preston.

Mr Preston.

GUN FIRES

JANE: Steed!

GUN FIRES

Ah!

Oh, yes, sir.

Er, yes, we've only just got back ourselves, you know.

It's a long way from Waterloo...

Station, that is.

Yeah... Er, well, the holiday traffic is very heavy, too, sir.

HE LAUGHS

Er, yes, sir, I'll let you know immediately.

Oh! - Everything all right?

Fine, the government is going to buy up all of Napoleon's land

under compulsory order.

Including your plot at Smallwood?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Pity, I was looking forward to that trout fishing.

Mm. Oh, well, it'll be government property by midday.

All the civil servants will be building their country seats on it.

How's that, dear? - Just what the doctor ordered.

Should be, it's on ice since we got back.

Why did they bring us back by train?

Without a bar, too.

- Mm. - Mm. '45,

liberation of Paris, and a splendid year.

Talking of years, a Happy New One to you.

I didn't get a chance before.

And to you, my dear, and many of them.

Very, very, many of them.

Let's not push our luck, Steed. We only just got through this one.

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