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1
00:00:05,221 --> 00:00:06,981
[intro music]
2
00:00:07,061 --> 00:00:10,820
[Frank] Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express.
3
00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:13,420
Come and watch pikeys
making a mess of the lives
4
00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:16,421
they were given by him upstairs.
5
00:00:16,501 --> 00:00:20,101
And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
6
00:00:20,181 --> 00:00:21,181
-Wicked!
-Piss off!
7
00:00:21,261 --> 00:00:25,460
What sounds on Earth
could ever replace
8
00:00:25,541 --> 00:00:29,061
kids needing money
or wives in your face?
9
00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:32,421
'Cos this, people reckon, me included,
10
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,260
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented.
11
00:00:35,341 --> 00:00:37,860
To calm us all down
and stop us going mental.
12
00:00:37,941 --> 00:00:43,741
These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.
13
00:00:43,821 --> 00:00:49,821
We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes.
14
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:53,701
You shit on our head,
but... you pay the taxes.
15
00:00:53,781 --> 00:00:55,181
[cheering]
16
00:00:55,260 --> 00:00:58,620
[Frank] Imagine Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers.
17
00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:01,260
Who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer, eh?
18
00:01:01,341 --> 00:01:02,300
Eh!
19
00:01:02,381 --> 00:01:04,900
Make poverty history.
20
00:01:04,980 --> 00:01:09,821
Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history!
21
00:01:09,901 --> 00:01:11,621
Cheaper drugs now!
22
00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:14,060
[chuckles] Scatter!
23
00:01:15,461 --> 00:01:17,021
Party!
24
00:01:21,821 --> 00:01:24,060
[Frank] I've sounded out
loads of blokes on this.
25
00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:28,221
Ninety-nine percent of married men
with families have fantasized
26
00:01:28,301 --> 00:01:31,581
about said wives and families
being killed.
27
00:01:31,661 --> 00:01:35,941
Suddenly, instantly,
leaving formerly married man
28
00:01:36,021 --> 00:01:38,860
free, single, unencumbered.
29
00:01:38,941 --> 00:01:40,901
Harmless dreaming.
30
00:01:40,981 --> 00:01:43,181
A necessary outlet.
31
00:01:43,261 --> 00:01:46,461
You've got to have a fantasy life.
32
00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:50,741
If you didn't have an alternative world
where everything went your way
33
00:01:50,821 --> 00:01:52,821
and Kate Moss tickled your balls
with a feather,
34
00:01:52,901 --> 00:01:54,101
then you'd only have
35
00:01:54,181 --> 00:01:59,140
grim, grey, turgid,
hopeless pisspot reality
36
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:02,741
and we'd be throwing ourselves
off bridges like lemmings.
37
00:02:02,821 --> 00:02:04,181
Well, I would.
38
00:02:05,341 --> 00:02:07,060
Mandy, can I take Katie to the park?
39
00:02:07,140 --> 00:02:09,660
-Third time this week?
-Yeah, we have a laugh.
40
00:02:09,741 --> 00:02:11,421
Isn't that right, Katie?
41
00:02:11,501 --> 00:02:14,701
Be brill, going on swings and shit.
42
00:02:14,781 --> 00:02:16,701
Watch her. Park's a canine sewer.
43
00:02:18,461 --> 00:02:21,540
[in a low voice]
Go down, that's it. All the way. Go down.
44
00:02:21,621 --> 00:02:22,980
Why are you really
taking her to the park?
45
00:02:23,061 --> 00:02:24,820
Me and Katie are bezzies.
46
00:02:25,941 --> 00:02:29,061
-What colour's her hair?
-Get off, you dick.
47
00:02:29,141 --> 00:02:30,861
-You don't even know!
-Blonde. Blonde.
48
00:02:30,941 --> 00:02:32,741
This bab is a giant.
49
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,861
They've got to induce.
You can only gobble so much madras.
50
00:02:35,941 --> 00:02:37,260
Give them a bell.
51
00:02:37,341 --> 00:02:40,141
Can you do it?
It sounds better coming from a bloke.
52
00:02:40,221 --> 00:02:41,861
They pay more attention.
53
00:02:41,941 --> 00:02:44,221
[stammers]
54
00:02:44,301 --> 00:02:46,781
It's phones. No, it's not me, babe.
55
00:02:46,861 --> 00:02:47,820
Oh!
56
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,741
Oh...
57
00:02:49,820 --> 00:02:51,380
Don't give me the bug-eyed look.
58
00:02:51,461 --> 00:02:54,501
I'm coming to the fucking bullfight.
What more do you want?
59
00:02:54,581 --> 00:02:56,661
Don't piss her about.
You know you'll go missing.
60
00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:58,100
[rumbling]
61
00:02:58,181 --> 00:02:59,221
Earthquake.
62
00:02:59,301 --> 00:03:00,301
Third one this week.
63
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:01,501
[car alarms blare]
64
00:03:01,581 --> 00:03:03,461
Rubbish-point-crap
on the Richter scale.
65
00:03:03,540 --> 00:03:07,061
The world stops on its axis
at Dad claiming he'll keep his word.
66
00:03:07,141 --> 00:03:09,100
You self-righteous little smart-arse.
67
00:03:09,181 --> 00:03:11,661
You're not too old to have your bollocks
kicked around your head, you know.
68
00:03:11,741 --> 00:03:13,221
Think you'll find I am.
69
00:03:13,301 --> 00:03:15,181
[Frank] Oh!
70
00:03:18,861 --> 00:03:21,100
-It's cold.
-I didn't know that.
71
00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:26,061
Sissy boy. Can't even
permanently fucking disfigure me.
72
00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:29,461
Yeah?
73
00:03:32,941 --> 00:03:36,741
Never call me "Dad" again.
You're the spawn of the devil.
74
00:03:36,820 --> 00:03:38,021
Why do you always bring that up?
75
00:03:38,100 --> 00:03:42,501
Because every day I'm reminded of it
by looking at your ugly fucking gob.
76
00:03:42,581 --> 00:03:45,140
Hey, if that's a lad, call it Ian.
77
00:03:45,221 --> 00:03:48,021
I've always thought
that was a good name for one of mine.
78
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,420
You're a fucking waste!
79
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:57,820
Cheers for putting a word in, Mum.
I can call you that, can't I?
80
00:04:05,661 --> 00:04:07,661
Nearly there. Come on, boy.
81
00:04:07,741 --> 00:04:12,021
Twenty more pence, you can do it.
Mm! Lovely fags.
82
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:13,100
There you go, Frank.
83
00:04:13,181 --> 00:04:15,221
Fifty-two pence for your coat. Bargain.
84
00:04:15,301 --> 00:04:19,500
Most jocular. Shouldn't you be out
working towards a safer community?
85
00:04:19,581 --> 00:04:22,141
Day off. I keep this on
to scare the shoplifters.
86
00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:23,461
[rumbling]
87
00:04:24,861 --> 00:04:25,781
Another one.
88
00:04:28,341 --> 00:04:29,661
[car alarms blare]
89
00:04:31,701 --> 00:04:33,661
Fucking hell. How many more?
90
00:04:38,541 --> 00:04:40,581
They were all like,
"Ooh! What were that?"
91
00:04:41,221 --> 00:04:43,060
Oh, yeah. Blitz spirit.
92
00:04:43,141 --> 00:04:46,221
People all together as one
as the Earth conspires against us
93
00:04:46,301 --> 00:04:48,180
by going on short spin cycle.
94
00:04:48,261 --> 00:04:52,141
Tsunami from that wouldn't knock
a digestive crumb off a cup of tea.
95
00:04:52,221 --> 00:04:54,620
Where is the almighty hand of God?
96
00:04:54,701 --> 00:04:57,781
Pointing at you, shouting "thief."
97
00:04:57,861 --> 00:04:58,861
What?
98
00:04:58,940 --> 00:05:02,141
-How do you know?
-He's been left on his own for 5 seconds.
99
00:05:02,221 --> 00:05:04,341
What else would he fucking do?
100
00:05:04,421 --> 00:05:05,740
[Yvonne] Waste.
101
00:05:06,620 --> 00:05:09,940
Well, that would appear to be
the received opinion.
102
00:05:10,021 --> 00:05:11,781
It is our duty to oppose it.
103
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:17,060
I paid for them.
104
00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:29,141
[Katie gurgles]
105
00:05:34,461 --> 00:05:37,261
Yeah, it's great that, Katie.
106
00:05:41,180 --> 00:05:42,421
Is there anything I can do?
107
00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:44,380
Could you give us a foot massage?
108
00:05:45,380 --> 00:05:48,060
I meant a cup of tea or whatever.
109
00:05:48,141 --> 00:05:49,500
Christ's sake. Not for long.
110
00:05:54,101 --> 00:05:56,180
You've had all of us,
you're going to have another,
111
00:05:56,261 --> 00:05:58,500
and I feel like the fucking parent.
How's that?
112
00:05:58,581 --> 00:06:02,261
It's going to be me
that makes it up with Dad, if we do.
113
00:06:02,341 --> 00:06:04,021
Who looks after me?
114
00:06:05,021 --> 00:06:07,060
Shouldn't it be you?
115
00:06:07,141 --> 00:06:09,341
We all make mistakes.
116
00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:12,661
I've done my best.
117
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:13,981
Your best is shit.
118
00:06:15,060 --> 00:06:16,180
Get off!
119
00:06:25,901 --> 00:06:29,581
Sorry, Frank, you have to go outside.
Smoking ban.
120
00:06:29,661 --> 00:06:32,341
We lasted as long as we could,
but the twats are on to us.
121
00:06:33,180 --> 00:06:35,781
The pub's been burnt down.
What harm can I do?
122
00:06:35,861 --> 00:06:37,500
Get us a big fine.
123
00:06:37,581 --> 00:06:39,981
Put us out of business.
We've been shot.
124
00:06:40,060 --> 00:06:41,500
You sell fucking Es.
125
00:06:41,581 --> 00:06:44,981
Nobody ever dies
of secondary tripping.
126
00:06:45,060 --> 00:06:46,820
I'm the only tosser here.
127
00:06:49,421 --> 00:06:52,380
No! I say no.
Someone's got to make a stand.
128
00:06:52,461 --> 00:06:55,861
Custer, Davy Crockett,
the kid with his dick in the dyke.
129
00:06:55,940 --> 00:06:58,781
Add Frank Gallagher to that list.
130
00:06:58,861 --> 00:07:01,101
I will not be cowed.
131
00:07:02,101 --> 00:07:03,021
Moo.
132
00:07:03,101 --> 00:07:04,981
[rumbling]
133
00:07:05,861 --> 00:07:06,820
What?
134
00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:09,820
Oh!
135
00:07:11,861 --> 00:07:13,141
Oh, my God, you've burst.
136
00:07:18,341 --> 00:07:19,981
Shit.
137
00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:22,901
The bastard will sue our tits off.
138
00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:26,461
Is it on its way?
139
00:07:26,541 --> 00:07:30,101
Well, a gallon of water breaking
out the fanny is a definite sign.
140
00:07:30,180 --> 00:07:31,141
Don't say "fanny."
141
00:07:31,221 --> 00:07:32,341
Debbie, forget the drill.
142
00:07:32,421 --> 00:07:34,661
Go and grab your dad
and tell him bab is imminent.
143
00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:36,940
I'll go. It's better if Debbie stays.
144
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:38,940
-No, Debbie go.
-But...
145
00:07:39,021 --> 00:07:39,981
She's too young.
146
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,901
That is my decision as a parent.
147
00:07:42,981 --> 00:07:44,940
See. I do make them.
148
00:07:47,060 --> 00:07:48,101
That's it. Great.
149
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:50,500
Fuck.
150
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:53,901
We were going to call. Your dad's
had a fall. Just a bit of a bump.
151
00:07:53,981 --> 00:07:55,341
How?
152
00:07:55,421 --> 00:07:57,260
Happened out here.
153
00:07:57,341 --> 00:07:59,581
Dad? Is he going to be all right?
154
00:07:59,661 --> 00:08:01,461
Let's just get him to hospital first.
155
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:16,380
Keep hold, Katie. Katie, keep hold.
156
00:08:16,461 --> 00:08:18,620
All right, Carl? Hello, Katie.
157
00:08:20,141 --> 00:08:21,380
Chicken...
158
00:08:21,461 --> 00:08:23,380
[rumbling]
159
00:08:25,260 --> 00:08:27,421
Fucking hell.
160
00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:30,581
Bindy.
I was hoping you'd be here.
161
00:08:30,661 --> 00:08:33,180
How's our pretty girl? Eh?
162
00:08:33,261 --> 00:08:36,340
You're well good
bringing her here all the time.
163
00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:39,501
Any news on her mum?
164
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,700
No, she's still missing.
165
00:08:45,021 --> 00:08:47,501
Hello, darling.
166
00:08:49,181 --> 00:08:51,901
[music from TV]
167
00:08:51,980 --> 00:08:54,541
-Oi, I'm trying to watch this.
-l want to talk.
168
00:08:55,301 --> 00:08:57,021
Here we go. You're going to dump us.
169
00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:58,061
No, I'm not.
170
00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:00,340
[Kelly] Why do you say that?
171
00:09:01,421 --> 00:09:02,901
Do you not think we're solid then?
172
00:09:02,980 --> 00:09:07,661
Yeah, course I do. I... I just think
you're going to dump us sometimes.
173
00:09:09,460 --> 00:09:10,980
What do you want to talk about?
174
00:09:11,821 --> 00:09:12,941
Doesn't matter.
175
00:09:13,021 --> 00:09:15,541
Come on... Another brew.
176
00:09:22,381 --> 00:09:24,501
I know what you've done
for our Shane and I'm grateful.
177
00:09:24,581 --> 00:09:26,460
He's a different boy.
He needed to grow up.
178
00:09:26,541 --> 00:09:31,460
But when you do move on,
don't just disappear. Speak to him first.
179
00:09:31,541 --> 00:09:33,701
What?
180
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:34,741
Why am I about to flit?
181
00:09:34,821 --> 00:09:38,661
Because we know you
better than you do.
182
00:09:41,860 --> 00:09:43,100
All right. In a bit.
183
00:09:44,621 --> 00:09:46,181
-You all right?
-I've gotta go.
184
00:09:46,261 --> 00:09:48,141
It's my dad.
He's on the way to hospital.
185
00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:49,541
Shit, Katie.
186
00:09:49,621 --> 00:09:50,941
I'll look after her.
187
00:09:52,621 --> 00:09:54,941
If you want, I'll give you my address.
188
00:09:58,821 --> 00:10:00,581
Yeah... OK.
189
00:10:04,860 --> 00:10:07,541
-There you go.
-Cheers, Bindy.
190
00:10:07,621 --> 00:10:08,860
You saved my life.
191
00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:14,021
Come on, Katie.
192
00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:21,021
Thirty minutes from entry desk to bed.
Only beaten our own record!
193
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,541
What's wrong with him?
194
00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:23,661
He's in a coma.
195
00:10:23,741 --> 00:10:24,941
How long for?
196
00:10:25,021 --> 00:10:27,581
Coma is as coma does.
197
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:29,340
An hour. Years.
198
00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:32,021
Probably not years.
199
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:35,061
Give him a few hours,
we'll dob him through X-ray.
200
00:10:35,141 --> 00:10:36,381
Are you really a doctor?
201
00:10:36,460 --> 00:10:37,541
Of course, why?
202
00:10:37,621 --> 00:10:39,141
They're either foreign or posh.
203
00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:41,421
I am posh. "Awesome."
204
00:10:43,261 --> 00:10:45,781
My mum's gone into labour.
Shall we tell her about him?
205
00:10:45,860 --> 00:10:49,460
Never give bad news to a woman in
the throes. I learned that from my ex. Eh!
206
00:10:51,421 --> 00:10:52,301
Suit yourself.
207
00:10:52,381 --> 00:10:53,421
How is he?
208
00:10:53,501 --> 00:10:56,541
Still unconscious.
There must be stuff we can do.
209
00:10:56,621 --> 00:10:58,421
Coma crap. Talk to him.
210
00:10:58,501 --> 00:11:01,061
Surround him with objects that he likes.
211
00:11:01,141 --> 00:11:03,541
You never know-know
until you give it a go-go.
212
00:11:05,581 --> 00:11:06,541
Dr Dickhead.
213
00:11:06,621 --> 00:11:08,621
-Do you need me here?
-Why?
214
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:10,381
I panicked. I left Katie
in the park with a girl.
215
00:11:10,460 --> 00:11:11,541
What? Who?
216
00:11:11,621 --> 00:11:12,541
Bindy.
217
00:11:12,621 --> 00:11:14,661
You stupid cock. Go and get her.
218
00:11:21,901 --> 00:11:23,381
[line ringing]
219
00:11:23,460 --> 00:11:25,501
-[mobile ringing]
-Oh.
220
00:11:26,301 --> 00:11:27,941
-Hiya.
-Doctor says not to tell Mum.
221
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:28,941
Why not?
222
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:31,340
Because she'll go mental.
Are you coming?
223
00:11:31,421 --> 00:11:32,821
I can't. She's gonna drop.
224
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,220
I'm staying here till he wakes up.
225
00:11:35,460 --> 00:11:37,701
Put the phone to his ear, close.
226
00:11:39,581 --> 00:11:41,980
All right, Dad. I mean Frank.
227
00:11:42,980 --> 00:11:43,941
What do I say? Wake up?
228
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:48,460
I could say that any day of the week,
won't make any difference then either.
229
00:11:49,220 --> 00:11:51,901
We don't get on.
I'm not what you want in a son.
230
00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:55,100
I'm not your son and you're not my dad.
231
00:11:56,421 --> 00:11:59,021
Oh, Mum's in labour.
232
00:12:00,181 --> 00:12:01,781
If it's yours.
233
00:12:01,860 --> 00:12:04,421
Have they found him yet?
234
00:12:04,501 --> 00:12:05,821
No.
235
00:12:09,941 --> 00:12:11,860
Shit. Nurse!
236
00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:27,021
Look, see. There.
237
00:12:28,061 --> 00:12:32,100
That's nothing, my dear. He'll be back
with us before you know it.
238
00:12:33,181 --> 00:12:35,821
Bindy. About so high.
239
00:12:35,901 --> 00:12:38,261
Quite fit. About medium to large...
240
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:39,901
Proper round tits
with just a hint of nip.
241
00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:41,501
What does her face look like?
242
00:12:41,581 --> 00:12:43,541
She's...
243
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:46,620
[muffled speech]
244
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:49,141
Sort of average looking.
245
00:12:49,220 --> 00:12:51,781
Don't know.
Sorry, mate. Have got no clue.
246
00:12:51,860 --> 00:12:54,620
Her tits are fucking fantastic.
247
00:12:54,701 --> 00:12:56,381
Someone's got to remember them.
248
00:12:56,460 --> 00:12:57,941
Come on, lads!
249
00:13:01,901 --> 00:13:03,740
-What are they?
-They said bring him stuff he likes.
250
00:13:03,821 --> 00:13:05,740
-l can't think of anything else.
-Where did you get them?
251
00:13:05,821 --> 00:13:07,261
Gabby on reception.
252
00:13:10,261 --> 00:13:11,541
What do we do?
253
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:13,340
Wait.
254
00:13:15,340 --> 00:13:16,421
[Monica] Harder!
255
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:18,141
My thumbs are murder.
256
00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:21,100
There'll be murder if you stop.
Can you ring Debbie again?
257
00:13:21,181 --> 00:13:23,860
What's the point?
He's not going to come.
258
00:13:23,941 --> 00:13:27,821
He lets everyone down.
Accept that. Give birth.
259
00:13:27,901 --> 00:13:30,220
No. He said he'd be here
and he will be here.
260
00:13:30,941 --> 00:13:33,301
[moans in pain]
261
00:13:33,381 --> 00:13:35,181
Do you think I'm still the youngest?
262
00:13:37,421 --> 00:13:40,581
Mum's had loads of kids. She could
probably drop another in her sleep.
263
00:13:43,181 --> 00:13:44,821
He needs us here. I'm staying.
264
00:13:44,901 --> 00:13:48,860
So am I, then. Why do girls
wear make-up and perfume?
265
00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:52,061
Because they're ugly and they smell.
266
00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:56,701
-Do you want some?
-Um...
267
00:13:56,781 --> 00:13:57,941
He's bleeding again.
268
00:13:58,541 --> 00:14:01,021
He's going to have all sorts
of involuntary actions.
269
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,901
Smiling and that.
270
00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:04,781
We're just to ignore him
unless his eyes open.
271
00:14:04,860 --> 00:14:06,261
What do we talk to him about?
272
00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:10,661
Tell him stuff about the family.
What you talk about normally.
273
00:14:10,740 --> 00:14:13,141
I never talk to him normally.
274
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,701
All right. Here's your chance.
275
00:14:16,661 --> 00:14:20,421
Dad, every night when he thinks
I'm sleeping, Carl has a wank.
276
00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:21,860
Is that normal?
277
00:14:21,941 --> 00:14:23,261
Oh, he's going to wake up now.
278
00:14:27,181 --> 00:14:28,141
Oh!
279
00:14:28,220 --> 00:14:29,980
Midwife should be here by now.
280
00:14:30,061 --> 00:14:31,740
Maybe she got held up or something.
281
00:14:33,980 --> 00:14:34,941
[screaming]
282
00:14:37,301 --> 00:14:38,821
How long will it be?
283
00:14:38,901 --> 00:14:40,620
How should I know?
284
00:14:40,701 --> 00:14:42,340
Don't we time the contractions?
285
00:14:42,421 --> 00:14:45,141
If you know so much about it,
why don't you deliver it?
286
00:14:45,220 --> 00:14:48,821
Let's go somewhere with white coats
and machinery that beeps.
287
00:14:48,901 --> 00:14:51,100
Anyway, it's not like you're going
to get turned on, is it?
288
00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:52,220
You're my mum.
289
00:14:52,301 --> 00:14:54,021
Yeah, I'm a woman.
290
00:14:55,421 --> 00:14:57,460
I've known you were that way
since you were six.
291
00:14:57,541 --> 00:14:58,620
You know I'm gay?
292
00:14:58,701 --> 00:14:59,740
That's what I said.
293
00:14:59,821 --> 00:15:01,500
You didn't say that.
Why didn't you mention it?
294
00:15:01,581 --> 00:15:02,860
It's none of my business.
295
00:15:03,661 --> 00:15:07,421
Anyway, you didn't feel
the need to share, so why should I?
296
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:11,381
It's starting again.
Can you rub my back for me?
297
00:15:12,261 --> 00:15:13,581
-Katie and Carl back?
-No.
298
00:15:13,661 --> 00:15:16,821
Has he called?
He's not answering his mobi.
299
00:15:16,901 --> 00:15:19,661
I don't know where he is.
We're pretty busy here, Mandy.
300
00:15:31,220 --> 00:15:32,781
Is he a nurse or doctor?
301
00:15:32,860 --> 00:15:35,500
Nurse, they're just chatting.
302
00:15:35,581 --> 00:15:38,860
If he was a doctor,
they'd be crawling up his arse.
303
00:15:39,901 --> 00:15:42,941
I'd never be a male nurse.
304
00:15:43,021 --> 00:15:45,460
Why not? It's not gay.
305
00:15:45,541 --> 00:15:50,181
I know it isn't, but you spend all day
shaving men's pubes off.
306
00:15:50,261 --> 00:15:51,661
Who told you that?
307
00:15:51,740 --> 00:15:53,860
Gabby on reception.
308
00:15:55,380 --> 00:15:58,620
I can't find her.
The address Bindy gave is a wreck.
309
00:15:58,701 --> 00:16:01,460
No-one lives there.
What am I going to do?
310
00:16:01,541 --> 00:16:03,740
I've bloody lost Katie.
Mandy's going to wazz off the scale.
311
00:16:03,821 --> 00:16:05,620
[in a low voice] Shut up.
312
00:16:05,701 --> 00:16:07,141
Right, this girl.
What do you know about her?
313
00:16:07,220 --> 00:16:08,740
Nothing.
314
00:16:08,821 --> 00:16:10,701
Her name. Bindy.
315
00:16:10,781 --> 00:16:11,821
What does she look like?
316
00:16:11,901 --> 00:16:13,541
She's sort of...
317
00:16:13,620 --> 00:16:14,821
[muffled] Any news on her mum?
318
00:16:16,261 --> 00:16:18,941
I'm rubbish at descriptions.
She's just normal.
319
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,541
She stole a kid.
320
00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:21,860
It could be a mistake.
321
00:16:21,941 --> 00:16:23,620
She gave you a false address.
322
00:16:23,701 --> 00:16:25,500
Do you think she'll hurt her?
323
00:16:25,581 --> 00:16:27,220
Don't think so.
324
00:16:27,301 --> 00:16:29,261
She seems to really love kids.
325
00:16:29,340 --> 00:16:30,261
In a good way.
326
00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:34,380
I'll ring Tom. But you're
going to have to tell Mandy.
327
00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:35,581
She'll kill me.
328
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,661
Yeah, you deserve it.
329
00:16:39,661 --> 00:16:40,500
Yeah...
330
00:16:40,581 --> 00:16:41,860
I'll wipe it off.
331
00:16:51,620 --> 00:16:53,100
Where is she?
332
00:16:54,261 --> 00:16:55,701
What does she look like?
333
00:16:59,860 --> 00:17:01,100
[muffled] Any news on her mum?
334
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:04,940
Pink top. She's got a pink top.
335
00:17:05,021 --> 00:17:08,301
Every girl in ten miles
is wearing a fucking pink top.
336
00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:09,981
What if she's changed her clothes?
337
00:17:10,061 --> 00:17:11,340
Let's do him.
338
00:17:11,420 --> 00:17:13,100
I'm the only one
that will recognise her.
339
00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:14,781
-You don't know fuck.
-I will if I see her.
340
00:17:14,860 --> 00:17:16,380
If Katie's been hurt, I'll kill him.
341
00:17:16,461 --> 00:17:18,900
I don't think she'd hurt her.
She really liked her.
342
00:17:18,981 --> 00:17:20,501
That's the reason I took her
in the first place.
343
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,741
You used our Katie as bait!
344
00:17:22,821 --> 00:17:24,461
-[knocking on door]
-[woman] Maguire?
345
00:17:27,581 --> 00:17:29,061
OK. We'll take over. Police matter.
346
00:17:29,141 --> 00:17:30,501
We didn't call you. It's a Maguire matter.
347
00:17:30,581 --> 00:17:33,660
We'll drive him around.
See if we can find her. Come on.
348
00:17:33,741 --> 00:17:35,981
Come with us, Carl.
349
00:17:36,061 --> 00:17:37,781
What are we doing?
Fucking get out looking!
350
00:17:37,861 --> 00:17:39,940
Move! Split up.
Call everybody you know. Go!
351
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:45,660
Come here, love.
352
00:17:48,420 --> 00:17:49,301
Snap! That was mine.
353
00:17:49,381 --> 00:17:51,101
Cheat!
354
00:17:51,180 --> 00:17:52,701
-[rapid beeping]
-Mine did.
355
00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:53,900
[continuous beep]
356
00:17:53,981 --> 00:17:55,420
-Shit.
-What?
357
00:17:57,301 --> 00:17:58,861
-What?
-That noise.
358
00:17:58,940 --> 00:17:59,981
[continuous beep]
359
00:18:00,061 --> 00:18:01,021
What?
360
00:18:01,101 --> 00:18:02,861
It just stopped his heart.
361
00:18:06,621 --> 00:18:07,900
We've killed him.
362
00:18:08,940 --> 00:18:10,141
Nurse!
363
00:18:11,861 --> 00:18:12,821
Nurse!
364
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,660
Come on. Don't do this to me. Clear!
365
00:18:18,741 --> 00:18:21,061
Come on. Talk to me. Talk to me.
Come on. Clear!
366
00:18:24,900 --> 00:18:27,781
Sorry, loves.
Give you a scare?
367
00:18:27,861 --> 00:18:29,021
No harm done.
368
00:18:30,341 --> 00:18:31,741
Always falling off.
369
00:18:31,821 --> 00:18:33,581
[beeping regulates]
370
00:18:35,381 --> 00:18:37,461
-What were you doing with them?
-Nothing.
371
00:18:41,101 --> 00:18:41,900
Can you smell burning?
372
00:18:41,981 --> 00:18:43,861
No.
373
00:18:47,221 --> 00:18:50,021
-[Tom] Is that her there?
-[Carl] I don't know!
374
00:18:50,101 --> 00:18:54,221
You've got to do better than this, Carl.
Please. She's got Katie.
375
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:58,021
-I've got like a mental block.
-You're not helping yourself here.
376
00:18:58,101 --> 00:19:00,660
Fuck off, you.
I still think you're a paedo.
377
00:19:00,741 --> 00:19:04,341
Carl! You ever heard
the phrase "police brutality"?
378
00:19:06,180 --> 00:19:07,940
Is this normal?
379
00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:10,981
As far as I can remember.
I think I've blotted most of it out.
380
00:19:11,061 --> 00:19:12,821
I'm not surprised.
381
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:14,621
Horror show.
382
00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:16,261
Ooh.
383
00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:20,261
How did you know?
I barely knew myself.
384
00:19:21,541 --> 00:19:25,021
There was something different
about you.
385
00:19:25,101 --> 00:19:27,900
You weren't like Lip,
all bustle and breakages. You were...
386
00:19:27,981 --> 00:19:29,900
Don't say sensitive.
387
00:19:29,981 --> 00:19:31,301
No, not just that.
388
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:35,021
I am your mother.
389
00:19:35,101 --> 00:19:39,261
I did think about you and how you'd be.
390
00:19:39,341 --> 00:19:40,501
I did!
391
00:19:40,581 --> 00:19:43,141
I'm surprised you haven't moved on.
392
00:19:43,221 --> 00:19:44,861
I might never live in a family again.
393
00:19:46,461 --> 00:19:47,501
Oh...
394
00:19:48,301 --> 00:19:50,301
Ooh, here comes another one.
395
00:19:50,381 --> 00:19:52,900
They must have sent
another midwife by now.
396
00:19:52,981 --> 00:19:55,061
Here you are, mate.
397
00:20:00,261 --> 00:20:01,141
Can't find them.
398
00:20:02,061 --> 00:20:03,261
No one's coming. We're on our own.
399
00:20:03,341 --> 00:20:05,061
Please, let's go to the hospital.
400
00:20:05,141 --> 00:20:06,861
No, not till Frank gets here.
401
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:09,501
I want to do it proper this time.
402
00:20:09,581 --> 00:20:11,101
I want both parents there.
403
00:20:11,180 --> 00:20:13,420
I want a real start for the baby.
404
00:20:21,781 --> 00:20:25,221
-Is that an involuntary reaction?
-Probably claim that.
405
00:20:31,621 --> 00:20:33,101
-Is it gone?
-You look, you're the oldest.
406
00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:35,261
You're going to be a bloke. You look.
407
00:20:35,341 --> 00:20:36,221
Safe.
408
00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:41,381
Not around this aftie.
409
00:20:41,461 --> 00:20:43,381
-Eh?
-Things to do.
410
00:20:43,461 --> 00:20:46,141
Are you all right, love?
Do you need a friendly ear?
411
00:20:46,221 --> 00:20:47,741
Nose out, Lillian.
412
00:20:56,101 --> 00:20:57,301
-Are you helping?
-What?
413
00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:59,341
-Looking for Katie.
-Who?
414
00:20:59,420 --> 00:21:01,021
Our Mandy's baby.
415
00:21:01,101 --> 00:21:02,501
Mandy's got a baby?
416
00:21:02,581 --> 00:21:05,541
Yes. You've seen her loads of times.
417
00:21:05,621 --> 00:21:06,981
What's happened?
418
00:21:07,061 --> 00:21:08,861
Some girl's gone off with her.
419
00:21:08,940 --> 00:21:10,420
Fuck. That's fucking well sick.
420
00:21:10,501 --> 00:21:13,700
What you doing anyway?
I thought you was on a double shift.
421
00:21:13,781 --> 00:21:17,461
GP check-up. I go all the time,
sparing you the full facts.
422
00:21:17,541 --> 00:21:19,741
I've got to go. See you in a bit.
423
00:21:24,861 --> 00:21:26,061
Want a glass of water?
424
00:21:26,141 --> 00:21:28,061
And that's it, gone?
425
00:21:28,141 --> 00:21:31,660
You can come back for a check-up
afterwards if you want.
426
00:21:31,741 --> 00:21:33,700
You always this helpful?
427
00:21:33,781 --> 00:21:36,861
Or are you specially keen
to make sure I don't drop one?
428
00:21:36,940 --> 00:21:38,940
We treat everyone the same.
429
00:21:39,021 --> 00:21:40,021
It's your decision.
430
00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:51,061
-How long can this go on for?
-Oh, fucking days.
431
00:21:51,141 --> 00:21:53,460
Days? Piss off.
432
00:21:53,541 --> 00:21:55,061
I'm knackered.
It must be ready to come out.
433
00:21:55,141 --> 00:21:57,821
Yeah, it is.
434
00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:59,741
-I'm holding it in.
-What?
435
00:21:59,821 --> 00:22:03,381
I meant it.
It's not coming out till Frank's here.
436
00:22:04,900 --> 00:22:07,420
He's in a coma in hospital.
437
00:22:09,021 --> 00:22:11,541
Well, why didn't you fucking tell me?
438
00:22:11,621 --> 00:22:13,581
The doctor said not to.
439
00:22:13,660 --> 00:22:15,660
Oh, get my fucking bag.
440
00:22:20,180 --> 00:22:22,700
I spy with my...
441
00:22:22,781 --> 00:22:24,541
We're not that desperate.
442
00:22:24,621 --> 00:22:26,301
-Coming through!
-[pants]
443
00:22:26,381 --> 00:22:27,381
What is it?
444
00:22:27,460 --> 00:22:29,981
I had to tell her.
She wouldn't give birth till she got here.
445
00:22:30,061 --> 00:22:31,581
-l can't watch.
-Me neither.
446
00:22:31,660 --> 00:22:32,741
It's down to me again.
447
00:22:32,821 --> 00:22:33,821
Get a nurse!
448
00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:35,660
[Monica] Do you think
you could wake up for the birth?
449
00:22:35,741 --> 00:22:38,101
[Ian] Look at the useless asshole.
He's out for the fucking count.
450
00:22:38,180 --> 00:22:39,981
[Monica] Don't talk
about your dad like that!
451
00:22:40,061 --> 00:22:41,621
[Ian, echoing] He's not my dad...
452
00:22:50,781 --> 00:22:54,381
You're awake.
About fucking time, mate.
453
00:22:55,700 --> 00:22:57,581
Brekkeroo.
454
00:22:58,700 --> 00:22:59,940
What's with the City boy stripes?
455
00:23:00,021 --> 00:23:03,660
Fucking belting opportunity, mate.
Luck's in, Daddio.
456
00:23:03,741 --> 00:23:05,821
With your son by your side
we're going to rock the world.
457
00:23:07,940 --> 00:23:09,581
Room at the trough
for all the little pigs.
458
00:23:09,660 --> 00:23:11,501
We need a chat
once you finish malingering.
459
00:23:15,420 --> 00:23:17,581
Five minutes R&R, then we teleport.
460
00:23:18,460 --> 00:23:20,700
Ready for your injection, nurse?
461
00:23:23,781 --> 00:23:25,420
-[Monica] It's coming!
-[Ian] You're doing great.
462
00:23:25,501 --> 00:23:26,581
[Monica] The baby's coming!
463
00:23:26,660 --> 00:23:28,221
[Ian] Push.
464
00:23:31,621 --> 00:23:33,981
Now then, now then. How's about...?
465
00:23:34,061 --> 00:23:37,141
How's about concentrating
on the main event? Me.
466
00:23:37,940 --> 00:23:39,501
Later.
467
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,940
You're like a dog
with two fucking dicks.
468
00:23:44,021 --> 00:23:46,900
Do you know what you're looking at
apart from a fucking handsome devil?
469
00:23:46,981 --> 00:23:48,301
Shock me to my bones.
470
00:23:48,381 --> 00:23:52,261
Behold Svengali.
The showbiz entrepreneur.
471
00:23:52,341 --> 00:23:54,821
I sniff out the small acts,
promote them in clubs.
472
00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:57,741
Screw the girls, take all the money,
flog them on.
473
00:23:57,821 --> 00:23:59,541
Fucking licence to print, mate.
I'm wedged.
474
00:23:59,621 --> 00:24:00,581
Flower, Dad?
475
00:24:00,660 --> 00:24:03,061
Oh, thanks, Lola lovely.
476
00:24:03,141 --> 00:24:03,981
Fighting fit?
477
00:24:04,061 --> 00:24:07,341
Back to the best of myself, Lo.
The very best.
478
00:24:07,420 --> 00:24:10,940
That's the fucking spirit, our dad.
479
00:24:11,021 --> 00:24:12,621
Can you do that any harder? Jesus.
480
00:24:12,700 --> 00:24:14,940
I'm straight off my deathbed here.
481
00:24:16,581 --> 00:24:17,821
Daddy's home.
482
00:24:17,900 --> 00:24:18,940
[whooping]
483
00:24:20,781 --> 00:24:21,981
What's with the blankets?
484
00:24:22,061 --> 00:24:25,700
I'm sorry, Frank.
I've gone all insidey-outsidey again.
485
00:24:25,781 --> 00:24:28,460
Jesus Christ, Sheila-Monica.
486
00:24:28,541 --> 00:24:30,581
I told you.
You've got to stop it, babe.
487
00:24:30,660 --> 00:24:33,141
I've run out of special pills.
488
00:24:33,221 --> 00:24:35,101
She's cooked for you. I've tried it.
489
00:24:35,180 --> 00:24:37,180
Some bloody gorgeous pie. Mm!
[farts]
490
00:24:37,261 --> 00:24:38,940
Melty mega.
491
00:24:39,021 --> 00:24:40,900
I've done your ironing for you, love.
492
00:24:40,981 --> 00:24:44,700
It's a tonic to see
all my girls lined up.
493
00:24:44,781 --> 00:24:46,061
Got any socks need mending?
494
00:24:46,141 --> 00:24:47,180
I could wash your hair.
495
00:24:47,261 --> 00:24:50,180
Give the man some space.
He's been in a coma.
496
00:24:50,261 --> 00:24:51,781
If that's not the fucking definition
497
00:24:51,861 --> 00:24:54,501
of deserving a pint,
I don't know what is.
498
00:24:54,581 --> 00:24:55,700
Can I come?
499
00:24:55,781 --> 00:24:58,141
Sorry, mate.
You've still only got one arm.
500
00:24:58,221 --> 00:25:00,101
It's all that wanking. I warned you.
501
00:25:00,180 --> 00:25:02,021
It's worth an arm.
502
00:25:02,101 --> 00:25:03,301
Awww!
503
00:25:04,900 --> 00:25:07,381
[girls] Bye!
504
00:25:08,460 --> 00:25:10,261
Bye, Dad. Love you.
505
00:25:14,541 --> 00:25:16,220
[belches]
506
00:25:16,301 --> 00:25:17,781
Filled an 'ole.
507
00:25:19,341 --> 00:25:20,981
Scratched an itch.
508
00:25:25,621 --> 00:25:26,660
It's your fucking round.
509
00:25:26,741 --> 00:25:28,141
You're the best.
510
00:25:28,220 --> 00:25:29,460
Apart from your dad, of course.
511
00:25:29,541 --> 00:25:30,981
Thanks for that, Karen.
512
00:25:31,061 --> 00:25:32,660
It's always nice to be remembered.
513
00:25:35,981 --> 00:25:37,101
So what do you say?
514
00:25:38,781 --> 00:25:40,741
-What?
-To me being your manager.
515
00:25:40,821 --> 00:25:41,940
Managing what?
516
00:25:42,021 --> 00:25:44,501
-You really don't know?
-What?
517
00:25:44,581 --> 00:25:48,061
You're a talented guy.
With my help, sky's the fucking minimum.
518
00:25:48,141 --> 00:25:50,341
Infinity's the limit. Pads!
519
00:25:50,420 --> 00:25:51,460
[whistles]
520
00:25:52,981 --> 00:25:56,301
Who is the funniest guy
you have ever seen or met?
521
00:25:56,381 --> 00:26:01,501
[lisping] I've seen Les Dawson, Tarby,
Fat Bernard, creepy Doddy, the lot.
522
00:26:01,581 --> 00:26:04,341
Funniest man I've ever met, Frank.
523
00:26:04,420 --> 00:26:05,621
Me?
524
00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:08,501
Without a doubt.
Frank Gallagher. You crack me up.
525
00:26:08,581 --> 00:26:10,781
Cheers, Pads. On your way.
526
00:26:10,861 --> 00:26:11,861
I'm funny?
527
00:26:11,940 --> 00:26:14,981
All you need to do is get
on stage and rant like a bastard.
528
00:26:15,061 --> 00:26:17,781
Try it out here.
Talent night tonight.
529
00:26:21,621 --> 00:26:26,341
Thank you, Chatsworth.
You've been a lovely audience!
530
00:26:26,420 --> 00:26:27,821
[cheering, whistling]
531
00:26:34,781 --> 00:26:36,261
Do you believe me now?
532
00:26:36,341 --> 00:26:40,660
I do! I do! That was the moment
I've been waiting for.
533
00:26:40,741 --> 00:26:43,821
I am finally...
534
00:26:43,900 --> 00:26:44,700
born!
535
00:26:44,781 --> 00:26:47,220
That's what it feels like,
like I've been born.
536
00:26:47,301 --> 00:26:50,141
Perspective, mate.
Don't blow it out your arse just yet.
537
00:26:50,220 --> 00:26:52,581
It's only The Jockey.
538
00:26:52,660 --> 00:26:54,341
Do we have a deal?
539
00:26:57,981 --> 00:27:02,861
We do. I'm going to be a fucking star.
540
00:27:02,940 --> 00:27:05,741
Finally, recognition.
541
00:27:05,821 --> 00:27:07,061
Yeah!
542
00:27:10,460 --> 00:27:12,220
It's all down to you, son.
543
00:27:15,101 --> 00:27:17,301
[Ian] Keep pushing, Mum.
I can see its head.
544
00:27:17,381 --> 00:27:20,021
[midwife] Keep pushing, you're doing well.
545
00:27:20,101 --> 00:27:22,781
-It's coming!
-One last push, Mum.
546
00:27:22,861 --> 00:27:24,981
You've gone stellar, haven't you?
Can't get away from you on the box.
547
00:27:25,061 --> 00:27:28,180
They're making a documentary
about you, aren't they?
548
00:27:28,261 --> 00:27:32,861
Thought he was clever but he was
nothing but a thieving, pikey twat.
549
00:27:32,940 --> 00:27:36,101
But smoked his own weight every week,
so what can you do, eh?
550
00:27:36,180 --> 00:27:42,981
Despite the booze, fags, drugs,
he does have surprisingly sweet breath.
551
00:27:43,061 --> 00:27:45,501
[gruff male voice] For years
he's pretended I'm a man in drag.
552
00:27:45,581 --> 00:27:48,981
Bloody gay, I reckon.
Calls me Bob Selecta.
553
00:27:49,061 --> 00:27:51,141
Still, better than Phil Selecta.
554
00:27:53,141 --> 00:27:55,180
[man] Day 88 in the house.
555
00:27:55,261 --> 00:27:58,420
Elton's having a difficult one though.
You know, a bit down.
556
00:27:58,501 --> 00:28:00,741
[Big Brother] Do you think that could
have anything to do with the fact
557
00:28:00,821 --> 00:28:02,381
you called him a fat, bald gaylord?
558
00:28:06,061 --> 00:28:09,660
[TV presenter] Let's see how Franky
fares in his tough fucker trial.
559
00:28:12,061 --> 00:28:13,420
[muffled] Get me out of here now!
560
00:28:20,101 --> 00:28:23,501
[man] Doesn't his paso doble stand out?
561
00:28:28,381 --> 00:28:31,021
This is where history began.
Talent night here.
562
00:28:32,621 --> 00:28:37,061
Pissed it. Acting all shit-faced.
563
00:28:37,141 --> 00:28:40,061
The irony is I don't drink that much.
You know, it's an act.
564
00:28:40,141 --> 00:28:43,061
You know, a persona.
565
00:28:43,141 --> 00:28:45,141
[man] You've been very generous
in attributing a large portion
566
00:28:45,220 --> 00:28:46,660
of your success to your son, Ian.
567
00:28:46,741 --> 00:28:47,700
Mm.
568
00:28:47,781 --> 00:28:49,861
I believe you signed
half your earnings over to him.
569
00:28:49,940 --> 00:28:52,141
Sorry, can't talk about that.
570
00:28:52,220 --> 00:28:55,501
Oh, all right. Let's cut there.
571
00:28:55,581 --> 00:28:56,900
Big news, Daddio.
572
00:28:56,980 --> 00:28:59,541
What? Another triumph.
I get bored of them.
573
00:28:59,621 --> 00:29:01,460
Too fuckety-fuck it is.
574
00:29:01,541 --> 00:29:05,341
Adam Sandler's dropped out
of some shit film and they want you.
575
00:29:05,420 --> 00:29:07,781
-Hollywood?
-Exactamondo.
576
00:29:07,861 --> 00:29:12,141
Globalisation.
Everything we've ever hated is ours.
577
00:29:12,220 --> 00:29:14,460
You're fucking
Starbucks and McDonald's
578
00:29:14,541 --> 00:29:17,501
wrapped in a stream of pissed bollocks.
579
00:29:17,581 --> 00:29:20,341
I'm a franchise?
580
00:29:20,420 --> 00:29:22,420
-A Frankise!
-[laughing]
581
00:29:23,621 --> 00:29:28,861
Me and a line of sons
reaching round the world. My loins.
582
00:29:28,940 --> 00:29:31,660
Success!
583
00:29:31,741 --> 00:29:34,141
God, I got a good one when I got you.
584
00:29:37,301 --> 00:29:39,381
What's that?
I've rescued a little baby puppy.
585
00:29:39,460 --> 00:29:40,501
What the fuck for?
586
00:29:40,581 --> 00:29:42,180
Well, for us.
587
00:29:42,261 --> 00:29:46,261
We can't take it to America
because he's scared of flying, too.
588
00:29:46,341 --> 00:29:48,341
[Monica, echoing] Please, I need you.
589
00:29:48,420 --> 00:29:52,021
-Monica needs you.
-Choose the real thing.
590
00:29:52,101 --> 00:29:55,141
Hold him, Frank, it's real.
Choose the real thing.
591
00:29:55,220 --> 00:29:58,581
It isn't a choice. You signed this.
592
00:30:00,460 --> 00:30:02,220
I'm everything you wished for.
593
00:30:04,180 --> 00:30:05,420
That's a copy.
594
00:30:06,301 --> 00:30:07,301
What?
595
00:30:07,381 --> 00:30:08,660
You owe me money, Frank.
Got to pay.
596
00:30:12,220 --> 00:30:14,341
[Monica, echoing] I need you!
597
00:30:18,621 --> 00:30:20,861
I did say I was a handsome devil.
598
00:30:22,061 --> 00:30:25,940
But... But I'm your father. I made you.
599
00:30:26,021 --> 00:30:29,220
Not strictly true.
600
00:30:29,301 --> 00:30:32,940
No blood, as you never fucking
tire of reminding me.
601
00:30:33,021 --> 00:30:36,581
Choose us, Frank.
Take the puppy. Take it.
602
00:30:36,660 --> 00:30:38,341
Don't touch the puppy, Frank!
603
00:30:39,381 --> 00:30:41,180
Don't touch it.
Don't touch the puppy.
604
00:30:41,261 --> 00:30:42,741
Don't touch the puppy.
605
00:30:43,581 --> 00:30:44,900
Arghhh!
606
00:30:46,101 --> 00:30:47,621
He's awake.
607
00:30:50,581 --> 00:30:52,261
What's this?
608
00:30:58,420 --> 00:31:00,420
Where's its tail?
609
00:31:01,781 --> 00:31:04,341
It hasn't got a tail, it's a little girl.
610
00:31:04,420 --> 00:31:06,021
Another one?
611
00:31:10,180 --> 00:31:11,501
You all right?
612
00:31:14,220 --> 00:31:15,741
I'm glad you were there.
613
00:31:18,660 --> 00:31:20,101
Did I faint?
614
00:31:21,261 --> 00:31:22,381
It wasn't too bad.
615
00:31:22,460 --> 00:31:25,420
She's lying. It was fucking horrible.
616
00:31:25,501 --> 00:31:27,061
She did really well.
617
00:31:28,141 --> 00:31:30,861
Ian was here for me.
618
00:31:30,940 --> 00:31:33,940
Why don't you say hello
to your lickle sis, Ian?
619
00:31:51,700 --> 00:31:54,821
Two hours. Two hours.
What if they've not found her.
620
00:31:54,900 --> 00:31:56,501
Stop. Look at what we know.
621
00:31:58,180 --> 00:32:00,141
It's a woman,
that's got to be good news.
622
00:32:00,220 --> 00:32:02,420
She likes Katie.
623
00:32:02,501 --> 00:32:05,301
She met her a few times.
Carl trusted her.
624
00:32:06,141 --> 00:32:10,940
Even he's not stupid enough to leave her
with a proper fucking headcase.
625
00:32:11,021 --> 00:32:12,180
You let him take her out.
626
00:32:12,261 --> 00:32:14,301
So it's my fault?
627
00:32:14,381 --> 00:32:17,021
No.
628
00:32:17,101 --> 00:32:22,381
You left Katie with him,
so he can't be that untrustworthy.
629
00:32:22,460 --> 00:32:23,900
She will be found.
630
00:32:36,501 --> 00:32:37,581
You got a light, love?
631
00:32:37,660 --> 00:32:38,980
Yes, somewhere.
632
00:32:42,021 --> 00:32:43,141
Here you go.
633
00:32:48,660 --> 00:32:51,381
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
634
00:32:52,660 --> 00:32:53,660
How old is she?
635
00:32:53,740 --> 00:32:55,261
Uh, three.
636
00:32:56,660 --> 00:33:00,541
-What's your name, sweetie?
-She's called Gemma.
637
00:33:00,621 --> 00:33:02,180
I don't really like
people smoking round her.
638
00:33:02,261 --> 00:33:05,980
Yeah. Apparently it's bad for you.
639
00:33:14,420 --> 00:33:15,301
Katie?
640
00:33:19,940 --> 00:33:21,301
She's massive.
641
00:33:21,381 --> 00:33:23,180
She looks about three months old.
642
00:33:23,261 --> 00:33:26,420
Can you go and get your mam, Debbie?
643
00:33:26,501 --> 00:33:28,621
I was going to get off. Can't Liam do it?
644
00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:32,621
-Leaving your old dad?
-I'm seeing Tom.
645
00:33:32,700 --> 00:33:34,141
I'll get her.
646
00:33:38,861 --> 00:33:39,900
What are you going to call her?
647
00:33:39,980 --> 00:33:41,900
Stella.
648
00:33:43,220 --> 00:33:45,980
Good name. Pretty.
649
00:33:46,861 --> 00:33:49,460
Why don't you call her
Tenants Purple or Thunderbird?
650
00:33:49,541 --> 00:33:50,700
Fuck's sake, Dad.
651
00:33:50,781 --> 00:33:51,621
Not the beer.
652
00:33:51,700 --> 00:33:54,220
Jesus, I'm not that fucking deranged.
653
00:33:54,301 --> 00:33:56,821
Stella for "star."
654
00:33:58,261 --> 00:33:59,700
Our little star.
655
00:34:09,541 --> 00:34:12,260
What's that for?
-Thanks for looking after your mum.
656
00:34:12,340 --> 00:34:13,941
It's appreciated.
657
00:34:17,621 --> 00:34:18,660
You're a good son.
658
00:34:22,901 --> 00:34:24,581
Sometimes I look at you and Mum
659
00:34:25,541 --> 00:34:27,981
and I can see
how you very nearly work.
660
00:34:28,700 --> 00:34:30,660
Bugger me. I fucking can't...
661
00:34:36,740 --> 00:34:40,820
Have you stopped?
You can't even fucking look after her.
662
00:34:40,901 --> 00:34:42,820
Look at the state. She's filthy.
663
00:34:44,461 --> 00:34:46,421
I just thought I could be a mum to her.
664
00:34:46,501 --> 00:34:47,780
Since hers has run off.
665
00:34:47,860 --> 00:34:49,941
She hasn't run off.
She's desperate.
666
00:34:51,501 --> 00:34:54,180
She really looks
like my little sister.
667
00:34:54,260 --> 00:34:58,221
Don't tell me. She died
in a terrible fucking accident.
668
00:34:58,300 --> 00:34:59,741
We had a fire.
669
00:35:01,021 --> 00:35:02,101
Fuck.
670
00:35:05,981 --> 00:35:08,461
Is that true
or are you just some fucking nut?
671
00:35:08,541 --> 00:35:11,461
Of course it's true.
It's my sister.
672
00:35:13,061 --> 00:35:14,621
I didn't know what to do.
673
00:35:16,221 --> 00:35:18,101
At the time I wasn't thinking. I just...
674
00:35:18,181 --> 00:35:21,941
I wrote our old address down
without thinking.
675
00:35:22,021 --> 00:35:24,181
And then...
676
00:35:24,261 --> 00:35:25,461
I'm sorry.
677
00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:31,061
I don't want you to drop your load,
678
00:35:31,141 --> 00:35:35,061
but her family are well fucking creative
when it comes to revenge.
679
00:35:35,141 --> 00:35:36,581
Get help.
680
00:35:36,661 --> 00:35:38,541
And get it a long way from here.
681
00:35:38,621 --> 00:35:39,581
I will.
682
00:35:43,621 --> 00:35:45,381
Quite nice really, isn't she?
683
00:35:46,981 --> 00:35:49,901
The girl didn't mean any harm.
I don't think.
684
00:35:51,541 --> 00:35:53,701
-Katie!
-[Mimi] Is she all right?
685
00:35:53,780 --> 00:35:54,820
She's lovely.
686
00:35:54,901 --> 00:35:57,741
-Did you see the girl, Bindy?
-Yes.
687
00:35:57,820 --> 00:35:59,340
Can you give us a description?
688
00:35:59,421 --> 00:36:00,820
I can give you better than that.
689
00:36:01,941 --> 00:36:03,101
Got a photie.
690
00:36:04,901 --> 00:36:05,701
Go on, take a look.
691
00:36:05,780 --> 00:36:07,061
That her?
692
00:36:08,340 --> 00:36:10,261
You haven't got one
with more of her in, have you?
693
00:36:10,340 --> 00:36:11,701
Like what?
694
00:36:11,780 --> 00:36:14,461
More upper body.
695
00:36:18,021 --> 00:36:19,300
Fuck it. That's her, deffo.
696
00:36:24,141 --> 00:36:27,541
-Thank God.
-And Kelly.
697
00:36:27,621 --> 00:36:29,541
Some terrible things have
been said about this girl.
698
00:36:29,621 --> 00:36:32,141
-Yeah, mainly by you.
-Shut up, dickless.
699
00:36:32,221 --> 00:36:35,461
And I'm sorry,
but that's behind us now.
700
00:36:35,541 --> 00:36:38,701
This household will always be grateful
and always have a welcome for you.
701
00:36:38,780 --> 00:36:41,340
Ta. Ta.
702
00:36:41,421 --> 00:36:43,221
So what do we do with Carl?
703
00:36:43,300 --> 00:36:45,181
Don't do anything to him.
704
00:36:45,261 --> 00:36:47,661
We've got her back now
and that's all that matters.
705
00:36:47,741 --> 00:36:51,541
No, I meant what do we do with him?
Do we leave him there?
706
00:36:51,621 --> 00:36:53,541
I'm going to be sick!
707
00:36:56,221 --> 00:36:57,741
You can't fucking just leave me here!
708
00:37:00,300 --> 00:37:01,501
Help!
709
00:37:08,061 --> 00:37:08,981
How was check-up?
710
00:37:09,061 --> 00:37:11,380
-What?
-You went to the doctors.
711
00:37:12,621 --> 00:37:14,820
-Oh, yeah. I'm fine.
-Bollocks.
712
00:37:16,021 --> 00:37:18,221
What are you lying for?
713
00:37:18,300 --> 00:37:19,780
Tell me.
714
00:37:23,901 --> 00:37:25,340
I was arranging an abortion.
715
00:37:26,741 --> 00:37:28,141
You can do it with a pill now.
716
00:37:28,221 --> 00:37:29,421
Is it mine?
717
00:37:29,501 --> 00:37:31,340
You're the only man
I've been careless with.
718
00:37:32,021 --> 00:37:33,581
I haven't had any accidents
with anyone else.
719
00:37:33,661 --> 00:37:35,541
-Is it mine?
-Yes, it's fucking yours.
720
00:37:39,501 --> 00:37:40,820
Did you take it?
721
00:37:43,661 --> 00:37:44,701
No, not yet.
722
00:37:46,141 --> 00:37:50,061
Good. Fucking hell, Kelly.
We've got a tradition, a family tradition.
723
00:37:50,141 --> 00:37:52,820
Maguires, you knock a girl up
724
00:37:52,901 --> 00:37:55,661
and you stick by her, no matter what.
725
00:37:55,741 --> 00:37:56,741
What?
726
00:38:00,181 --> 00:38:02,741
Kelly... You're a...
727
00:38:04,621 --> 00:38:09,501
A wave washed over my whole life
728
00:38:09,581 --> 00:38:11,261
and made it worth something.
729
00:38:13,300 --> 00:38:14,981
You know...
730
00:38:15,061 --> 00:38:16,981
-Shane?
-Shut up.
731
00:38:17,061 --> 00:38:18,981
I'd do anything for you.
732
00:38:20,581 --> 00:38:22,820
I worship you.
733
00:38:23,981 --> 00:38:26,421
I love you.
734
00:38:26,501 --> 00:38:29,421
I want us to have this baby.
735
00:38:33,780 --> 00:38:35,300
Oh, that's better! Full house.
736
00:38:35,380 --> 00:38:37,941
I was beginning to think
it was empty round here.
737
00:38:38,780 --> 00:38:39,581
Has it done anything yet?
738
00:38:39,661 --> 00:38:41,901
Yeah, she's given us
a tip on a horse
739
00:38:41,981 --> 00:38:44,461
and invited us round to the pub
to wet her head.
740
00:38:44,541 --> 00:38:48,101
Yeah? Joke. You may not realise,
but your dad is a funny guy.
741
00:38:48,181 --> 00:38:50,340
Yeah, right.
742
00:38:50,421 --> 00:38:52,661
Come on, then. Gather round.
743
00:38:54,461 --> 00:38:56,701
And say hello
744
00:38:56,780 --> 00:39:01,421
to Stella Iana Gallagher.
745
00:39:01,501 --> 00:39:02,581
Iana?
746
00:39:05,061 --> 00:39:06,101
Oh!
747
00:39:08,701 --> 00:39:10,021
-Who wants to hold her?
-Me.
748
00:39:10,101 --> 00:39:11,061
OK.
749
00:39:15,221 --> 00:39:16,421
Good girl.
750
00:39:17,661 --> 00:39:18,661
Where are you off?
751
00:39:18,741 --> 00:39:21,541
Get changed.
Can't go to the pub like this, can I?
752
00:39:21,621 --> 00:39:22,621
I'll get my jacket.
753
00:39:22,701 --> 00:39:25,421
You're dumping her on us already?
Come back!
754
00:39:33,261 --> 00:39:34,860
[laughter]
755
00:39:38,461 --> 00:39:39,621
Mum, Dad.
756
00:39:40,780 --> 00:39:42,581
I'm up the chuff.
757
00:39:42,661 --> 00:39:45,380
[cheering]
758
00:39:45,461 --> 00:39:48,261
That'll be the making of you.
759
00:39:48,340 --> 00:39:49,901
-I'm delighted.
-Thank you.
760
00:39:51,421 --> 00:39:54,101
Did you hear that? Pregnant.
That's how you do it.
761
00:39:55,380 --> 00:39:57,461
I'll be proud to be
the grandfather of your child.
762
00:39:57,541 --> 00:40:00,261
-What about the prossie stuff?
-What prossie stuff?
763
00:40:00,340 --> 00:40:02,340
And the drugs. Shit.
764
00:40:02,421 --> 00:40:04,780
What drugs?
765
00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:08,021
Is there a Maguire tradition
if you knock a girl up?
766
00:40:08,101 --> 00:40:09,780
There is.
767
00:40:09,860 --> 00:40:12,101
Never give your real name.
768
00:40:22,621 --> 00:40:25,340
You fucking romantic bastard.
769
00:40:25,421 --> 00:40:27,581
Drinks. A celebration!
770
00:40:27,661 --> 00:40:30,061
Hey, we have had another lickle one.
771
00:40:30,141 --> 00:40:32,661
Is there anything
you wouldn't use to get a free drink?
772
00:40:32,741 --> 00:40:34,261
I have had a bang on the head.
773
00:40:35,901 --> 00:40:38,061
-Drinks are on the house tonight, Frank.
-First round.
774
00:40:38,141 --> 00:40:39,501
That'll do.
775
00:40:39,581 --> 00:40:42,300
-Sorry.
-Watch where you're fucking going.
776
00:40:42,380 --> 00:40:44,541
I'm Kelly fucking Maguire, nearly.
777
00:40:44,621 --> 00:40:46,021
[Frank over microphone] Good evening.
778
00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:51,261
[Frank] Good evening, Chatsworth.
779
00:40:51,340 --> 00:40:55,461
As some of you may already know,
we have become a father again.
780
00:40:55,541 --> 00:40:56,501
[applause]
781
00:40:56,581 --> 00:40:58,741
Thank you, thank you.
782
00:40:58,820 --> 00:41:03,141
Little Stella is over there
with the rest of my wonderful family.
783
00:41:03,221 --> 00:41:07,101
Liam and Debbie and Carl and Ian.
784
00:41:10,741 --> 00:41:15,860
And my wife Monica.
I could not be prouder...
785
00:41:15,941 --> 00:41:17,901
and I would like to take this opportunity
786
00:41:17,981 --> 00:41:21,221
of giving you my impersonation
of Stephen Hawking in the bath.
787
00:41:21,300 --> 00:41:22,941
-Thank you.
-[people groan]
788
00:41:23,021 --> 00:41:26,061
For the universe is complete...
789
00:41:26,741 --> 00:41:28,021
Shut up.
790
00:41:28,101 --> 00:41:29,380
[rumbling]
791
00:41:31,101 --> 00:41:32,621
Fucking hell.
792
00:41:32,701 --> 00:41:35,021
Don't mock that man.
He's a fucking hero. Off.
793
00:41:36,621 --> 00:41:37,981
Bollocks.
794
00:41:38,061 --> 00:41:39,941
Party.
795
00:41:40,021 --> 00:41:40,941
Here.
796
00:41:42,061 --> 00:41:45,541
-Little Stella.
-[all] Stella.
797
00:41:46,501 --> 00:41:48,621
Cheers... Dad.
798
00:41:51,261 --> 00:41:52,221
Dick.
799
00:41:52,300 --> 00:41:54,221
[Frank] Dick?
800
00:41:54,300 --> 00:41:56,661
Oh, yeah, cheers.
801
00:41:56,741 --> 00:41:59,461
All this nature versus
the other bugger's shite, bollocks.
802
00:41:59,541 --> 00:42:02,101
Comes down to it, you know
you're a parent if you're being abused
803
00:42:02,181 --> 00:42:04,501
and you don't mind.
Say anything.
804
00:42:04,581 --> 00:42:08,101
Say the un-fucking-sayable
and carry on like sod all's happened.
805
00:42:08,181 --> 00:42:10,461
That's family.
806
00:42:10,541 --> 00:42:13,621
I'm Frank Gallagher
and I'm a fucking dick.
807
00:42:15,340 --> 00:42:21,300
[off-tune] ♪ The colours of the rainbow
so pretty in the sky ♪
808
00:42:21,380 --> 00:42:25,300
♪ Are there on the faces
of people going by ♪
809
00:42:25,380 --> 00:42:32,021
♪ I see friends shaking hands saying
"How do you do?" ♪
810
00:42:32,101 --> 00:42:36,021
♪ They're really saying... ♪
811
00:42:36,101 --> 00:42:39,021
♪ I hear babies crying ♪
812
00:42:39,101 --> 00:42:41,621
♪ I watch them grow ♪
813
00:42:41,701 --> 00:42:45,141
♪ They'll learn much more ♪
814
00:42:45,221 --> 00:42:47,300
♪ Than I'll ever know... ♪
815
00:42:47,380 --> 00:42:49,061
Oi, Frank, put that out!
816
00:42:51,461 --> 00:42:52,421
Fucking hell...
817
00:42:52,501 --> 00:42:55,701
♪ And I think to myself ♪
818
00:42:58,221 --> 00:43:04,340
♪ What a wonderful world ♪
819
00:43:07,380 --> 00:43:12,820
♪ Yes, I think to myself ♪
820
00:43:14,701 --> 00:43:20,780
♪ What a wonderful wor-r-r-rld ♪
821
00:43:32,380 --> 00:43:33,661
♪ Thank you ♪
822
00:43:45,380 --> 00:43:46,501
[unzips]
823
00:43:54,061 --> 00:43:55,780
Get a good eyeful, won't you, mate?
55423
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