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1
00:00:05,221 --> 00:00:06,981
[intro music]
2
00:00:07,061 --> 00:00:10,820
[Frank] Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express.
3
00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:13,420
Come and watch pikeys
making a mess of the lives
4
00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:16,421
they were given by him upstairs.
5
00:00:16,501 --> 00:00:20,140
And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
6
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,460
-Wicked!
-Piss off!
7
00:00:21,541 --> 00:00:25,460
What sounds on Earth
could ever replace
8
00:00:25,541 --> 00:00:29,061
kids needing money
or wives in your face?
9
00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:32,421
'Cos this, people reckon, me included,
10
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,301
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented.
11
00:00:35,381 --> 00:00:37,941
To calm us all down
and stop us going mental.
12
00:00:38,021 --> 00:00:43,701
These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.
13
00:00:43,781 --> 00:00:49,821
We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes.
14
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:53,701
You shit on our head,
but... you pay the taxes.
15
00:00:53,781 --> 00:00:55,181
[cheering]
16
00:00:55,260 --> 00:00:58,620
[Frank] Imagine Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers.
17
00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:01,260
Who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer, eh?
18
00:01:01,341 --> 00:01:02,341
Eh!
19
00:01:02,421 --> 00:01:04,900
Make poverty history.
20
00:01:04,980 --> 00:01:09,661
Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history!
21
00:01:09,741 --> 00:01:11,621
Cheaper drugs now!
22
00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:14,060
[chuckles] Scatter!
23
00:01:15,461 --> 00:01:17,021
Party!
24
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,700
[Monica] Whore, cow,
25
00:01:28,780 --> 00:01:32,461
bitch, slag, tart, lezzer, dyke...
26
00:01:32,541 --> 00:01:35,140
I've been called all sorts in my time.
27
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:39,060
Sometimes by people who say
they love me in the next breath.
28
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:43,700
There's no word for the worst thing
I've done. No single word.
29
00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:45,461
No insult.
30
00:01:45,541 --> 00:01:48,700
I don't suppose there's any way
I can make up for it.
31
00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:49,981
I'll keep trying, though.
32
00:01:50,060 --> 00:01:51,220
[peacock cry]
33
00:01:51,301 --> 00:01:52,901
All I need to do now
34
00:01:52,981 --> 00:01:56,220
is to admit me faults
and say what I am.
35
00:01:56,301 --> 00:01:57,901
What I really am.
36
00:01:57,981 --> 00:02:00,101
My name is Monica Gallagher
37
00:02:00,181 --> 00:02:02,261
and I'm...
38
00:02:02,341 --> 00:02:04,021
I'm trying.
39
00:02:24,221 --> 00:02:26,181
Told me mum I couldn't live
with the stench of me dad's feet.
40
00:02:26,260 --> 00:02:28,221
Had to believe that.
41
00:02:28,301 --> 00:02:32,461
Why don't you move back?
There's loads more space.
42
00:02:32,540 --> 00:02:33,741
Everybody...
43
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:35,941
There's different types of space.
44
00:02:36,021 --> 00:02:37,621
I've got a little announcement to make.
45
00:02:37,701 --> 00:02:38,661
Mothers smother.
46
00:02:39,781 --> 00:02:43,260
I am gonna have another little baba.
47
00:02:43,341 --> 00:02:46,661
[all] Yeah!
48
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:57,820
Well, we've been trying all this time,
ever since I come back.
49
00:02:57,901 --> 00:02:59,421
You could've fucking told me.
50
00:02:59,501 --> 00:03:02,501
Take it with you when you bugger off,
'cos I'm not looking after it.
51
00:03:02,581 --> 00:03:04,380
-Where's it gonna go?
-[Liam] Not in ours.
52
00:03:04,461 --> 00:03:08,021
-We'll have to hope it's a girl, then.
-No chance, I'm not sharing!
53
00:03:10,621 --> 00:03:11,581
Congratulations.
54
00:03:12,301 --> 00:03:13,221
When's it due?
55
00:03:13,301 --> 00:03:15,540
Doctor will tell us that,
when I get it confirmed.
56
00:03:16,221 --> 00:03:17,540
You've taken a test?
57
00:03:17,621 --> 00:03:22,341
I don't need to. I've had me visions.
Nursery rhymes, birds, eggs.
58
00:03:23,301 --> 00:03:29,260
No, I am most definitely with child.
59
00:03:38,140 --> 00:03:41,820
Best nosh, a night in the finest hotel,
60
00:03:41,901 --> 00:03:43,980
baked in luxury,
61
00:03:44,061 --> 00:03:47,140
a 40th birthday
to go down in history.
62
00:03:47,221 --> 00:03:49,420
-Wish you'd let us join in.
-Yeah. It's not fair.
63
00:03:49,501 --> 00:03:51,301
You can get us a pressie.
64
00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:52,341
Aye, a big'un.
65
00:03:52,420 --> 00:03:55,221
We should have a fucking big bash
or summat. Hardcore.
66
00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:57,061
My Paddy's planned this,
67
00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:58,781
which means it's perfect.
68
00:03:58,860 --> 00:04:01,581
[chuckles]
69
00:04:01,661 --> 00:04:04,901
You toddling off into town?
70
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:07,181
Dunno if I can be bothered.
71
00:04:07,260 --> 00:04:10,221
OK, maysy-wellsy.
72
00:04:10,301 --> 00:04:11,380
Choose a frock.
73
00:04:11,461 --> 00:04:12,540
Ooh!
74
00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:15,140
D'you want a lift in the limo?
75
00:04:15,221 --> 00:04:16,661
I'll get the bus.
76
00:04:25,740 --> 00:04:27,141
"Why don't we have a bash?"
77
00:04:27,221 --> 00:04:28,781
Trying to give the game away,
spunk-bubble?
78
00:04:28,861 --> 00:04:30,901
No, I was throwing her off t'scent.
It's classic tactics.
79
00:04:30,981 --> 00:04:34,101
Never, ever attempt
to act on initiative.
80
00:04:34,180 --> 00:04:37,341
When every fucker shouts "Surprise!"
I want her heart to stop.
81
00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:39,461
I want her skin
in a pile on the floor
82
00:04:39,541 --> 00:04:40,981
and a Mimi-shaped hole
in the ceiling.
83
00:04:41,060 --> 00:04:45,021
Great woe will descend
upon anybody who blows this.
84
00:04:45,101 --> 00:04:47,101
Comprendo? Dicko?
85
00:04:49,101 --> 00:04:51,221
Gonna hang this up
in your bedroom after the party?
86
00:04:51,301 --> 00:04:52,301
Oi. My mum.
87
00:04:52,381 --> 00:04:54,060
[Karen] I'm beginning to think
I should've said no.
88
00:04:54,141 --> 00:04:57,701
It's easy. As long as we don't run
out of beer, they'll be happy.
89
00:04:57,781 --> 00:05:00,940
It's not what your dad thinks.
He's been sweating on this for months.
90
00:05:01,021 --> 00:05:02,180
Months.
91
00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:03,740
He's got people coming from all over.
92
00:05:03,821 --> 00:05:05,341
Australia!
93
00:05:05,421 --> 00:05:06,740
We've had loads of dos.
94
00:05:06,821 --> 00:05:08,581
Not while my application
is being looked at.
95
00:05:08,661 --> 00:05:10,421
Brewery can chuck us out any time now.
96
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,981
All-night punch-up
is the last thing I need.
97
00:05:12,060 --> 00:05:14,221
What's this?
98
00:05:14,301 --> 00:05:16,421
This ls Your Life, entertainment.
99
00:05:16,500 --> 00:05:19,261
Slideshows, karaoke,
glitter balls, ceilidh music.
100
00:05:19,341 --> 00:05:22,541
All Mimi's faves.
There's so much I need to do!
101
00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:24,301
Relax.
102
00:05:24,381 --> 00:05:27,620
I'm holding you personally responsible
for everything.
103
00:05:27,701 --> 00:05:29,541
There's stuff I need to get.
104
00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:33,661
A pint and a bucket of ice
for my great big bollocks.
105
00:05:36,821 --> 00:05:38,500
Two weeks for an appointment?
106
00:05:38,581 --> 00:05:40,500
Yeah, wouldn't let me wait.
107
00:05:40,581 --> 00:05:43,821
Doctor is very busy. So I shopped.
108
00:05:43,901 --> 00:05:47,901
You've had these lame-brained visions
before. You weren't stuffed up then.
109
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,901
Yeah, but not like this.
110
00:05:49,981 --> 00:05:52,421
So, you're not even sure?
111
00:05:55,740 --> 00:05:56,981
Shouldn't you be at school?
112
00:05:57,060 --> 00:06:00,021
The thought of you and my dad
doing it has made me ill.
113
00:06:00,101 --> 00:06:01,261
You should take a test, Mon.
114
00:06:01,341 --> 00:06:05,661
This little bub is gonna make up
for any mistakes I've made.
115
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:06,701
One for me.
116
00:06:06,781 --> 00:06:09,141
Oh, thanks. What if it's phantom?
117
00:06:09,221 --> 00:06:11,901
Oh, go on, then, I'll take a test.
118
00:06:11,981 --> 00:06:13,940
Lend us one of yours.
119
00:06:14,021 --> 00:06:15,221
I haven't got any.
120
00:06:15,301 --> 00:06:17,141
What kind of teenager are you?
121
00:06:17,221 --> 00:06:20,021
I'll go next door. Mimi's got loads.
122
00:06:23,541 --> 00:06:26,620
Infertile Frank the Fecund.
123
00:06:26,701 --> 00:06:28,341
Dead-eyed Dick Gallagher.
124
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:30,661
That's me. Hey, Bunty! No waste.
125
00:06:30,740 --> 00:06:34,101
I'm like those cowboys
in a white hat.
126
00:06:34,180 --> 00:06:37,581
Cowboys in black hats
come crashing through the windows,
127
00:06:37,661 --> 00:06:40,301
spray lead all over the fucking shop.
128
00:06:40,380 --> 00:06:41,861
Miss every bastard.
129
00:06:41,940 --> 00:06:43,861
I kick the saloon door open.
130
00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:46,661
Hello, boys!
131
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,141
You have a little nod round.
132
00:06:49,221 --> 00:06:50,461
Bide me time...
133
00:06:53,141 --> 00:06:56,461
[western music plays]
134
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,740
-Draw!
-[gunshot]
135
00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:02,981
Dusted over.
Or up the duff in this case.
136
00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:06,421
-How long's mum been back?
-Oh, forever.
137
00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:08,861
Not that spunky, then, are you,
Dead-eye?
138
00:07:08,940 --> 00:07:11,940
She'd be onto a second litter by now.
139
00:07:12,021 --> 00:07:14,701
Just stick it on the slate...
140
00:07:14,781 --> 00:07:16,221
Spotty herbert.
141
00:07:21,861 --> 00:07:23,180
A pig.
142
00:07:24,180 --> 00:07:26,141
Spit roast for me mum's rave.
143
00:07:26,221 --> 00:07:27,661
Not in the footballer sense.
144
00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:28,861
Do we leave it there?
145
00:07:28,940 --> 00:07:29,940
How the fuck should I know?
146
00:07:30,021 --> 00:07:31,781
I'll make some room in the cellar.
147
00:07:33,581 --> 00:07:36,060
-Gotta take a date to me mam's party.
-I'm working.
148
00:07:37,141 --> 00:07:39,620
A girl. Smartarse!
149
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:43,180
If we don't find one,
we've gotta take Nana Murphy.
150
00:07:43,260 --> 00:07:44,981
Kisses for Nana.
151
00:07:48,421 --> 00:07:49,901
Just drag along some fag-hag.
152
00:07:49,981 --> 00:07:51,341
Or Norma.
153
00:07:51,421 --> 00:07:52,981
No. I'm gonna do it for real.
154
00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:54,021
Get a cure.
155
00:07:54,101 --> 00:07:55,101
For what?
156
00:07:56,661 --> 00:07:57,781
Gay.
157
00:07:58,820 --> 00:08:01,661
Found one on the internet.
Fucking insane American Christians,
158
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:03,421
but they know a thing or two
159
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,500
-about not wanking over blokes.
-What do you do?
160
00:08:05,581 --> 00:08:08,581
You train your mind to stop thinking
about sex and cocks and that.
161
00:08:08,661 --> 00:08:10,500
Yeah, it's mind over...
162
00:08:11,341 --> 00:08:13,740
[sexy music plays]
163
00:08:16,461 --> 00:08:18,461
-Even that don't bother me.
-Tit.
164
00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:20,301
I'll take the arse.
165
00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:27,740
ls it cold enough in here?
166
00:08:27,820 --> 00:08:30,221
It'll have to be. Freezer's full.
167
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:43,460
Bollocks.
168
00:08:44,141 --> 00:08:45,501
Oi!
169
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,301
-Oi, we're locked in! Help!
-What you doing? No!
170
00:08:49,381 --> 00:08:50,861
[Jamie] Come on! Let us out.
171
00:08:50,941 --> 00:08:52,381
[cheering]
172
00:08:52,460 --> 00:08:54,501
-Shit!
-Quick!
173
00:08:54,581 --> 00:08:55,741
Don't hog it.
174
00:08:55,821 --> 00:08:57,621
They'll drink it all. Hurry up.
175
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:27,061
You're Schtan.
Told you I was clever.
176
00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:29,421
Good.
177
00:09:29,501 --> 00:09:31,100
We both lied the same amount.
178
00:09:33,541 --> 00:09:35,741
You have no hair
and you are overweight.
179
00:09:36,581 --> 00:09:39,421
I am short and sent
the best photograph ever taken.
180
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:44,661
Dobra pozhalovat v angly.
181
00:09:44,741 --> 00:09:45,701
Thank you.
182
00:09:45,781 --> 00:09:48,061
But that's Russian, I'm Ukrainian.
183
00:09:48,141 --> 00:09:50,460
-Hello, Irana.
-Hello, Schtan.
184
00:09:54,340 --> 00:09:57,181
Dick! Dick! Dick!
185
00:09:58,860 --> 00:10:01,860
-They'd've noticed soon enough anyway.
-[door opens, steps approach]
186
00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:05,021
[Jamie] Karen?
187
00:10:06,541 --> 00:10:07,581
Y'all right?
188
00:10:23,061 --> 00:10:25,061
I tried to stop 'em.
189
00:10:27,261 --> 00:10:28,821
The party stuff.
190
00:10:28,901 --> 00:10:32,181
Mimi's things, the book.
Paddy is gonna explode.
191
00:10:32,261 --> 00:10:33,301
[bang]
192
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,261
I am Spartacus!
193
00:10:39,701 --> 00:10:41,181
Why won't you let us in?
194
00:10:41,261 --> 00:10:43,621
[Monica] I can't have you around
when my knickers are down.
195
00:10:44,741 --> 00:10:47,301
I know what you're like. All done.
196
00:10:52,421 --> 00:10:54,781
It's not...
197
00:10:54,860 --> 00:10:55,821
It's...
198
00:10:55,901 --> 00:10:58,501
What's wrong?
199
00:10:58,581 --> 00:11:00,781
Five, six, piss on sticks.
200
00:11:05,941 --> 00:11:11,541
No line, no baby.
You're not pregnant. Result!
201
00:11:11,621 --> 00:11:13,501
I'm not...
202
00:11:13,581 --> 00:11:14,661
I don't understand...
203
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,661
-Menopause.
-She's too young.
204
00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:19,541
Hormones all over the fucking house.
205
00:11:19,621 --> 00:11:22,141
-That's why you're getting your visions.
-Oh, no.
206
00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:25,421
Hot flushes, depression,
insomnia, irritability,
207
00:11:25,501 --> 00:11:28,100
night sweats, vaginal dryness.
208
00:11:28,181 --> 00:11:28,980
Please...
209
00:11:29,061 --> 00:11:32,860
It's part of being a woman.
Comes to us all.
210
00:11:32,941 --> 00:11:36,501
-It's come to her first, mind.
-No more babies.
211
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,860
No more babies for Monica.
212
00:11:43,781 --> 00:11:47,541
I'm not pleased. You said you were
coming back for the ones you left.
213
00:11:47,621 --> 00:11:51,541
-Not to pop another.
-l say a lot of things. They hate me.
214
00:11:51,621 --> 00:11:52,821
Oh, man, they don't.
215
00:11:52,901 --> 00:11:56,381
If I left now, this minute,
take 'em two days to notice.
216
00:11:56,460 --> 00:12:01,100
They'd shrug and then they'd carry on.
Like they expect it.
217
00:12:01,181 --> 00:12:03,220
If they expect anything.
218
00:12:03,301 --> 00:12:05,661
I'm just temporary.
219
00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:10,100
-A visitor, an unwelcome one.
-You're their mam.
220
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:18,501
I like being full of baby.
221
00:12:19,301 --> 00:12:21,621
And I'm good with them, too,
when they come out.
222
00:12:21,701 --> 00:12:24,100
When they're little and helpless.
223
00:12:25,901 --> 00:12:30,740
And then they grow up,
and I fuck it up.
224
00:12:30,821 --> 00:12:34,301
You had to leave. You were ill.
225
00:12:34,381 --> 00:12:35,821
Yeah.
226
00:12:35,901 --> 00:12:39,860
Hey, there'd have been
no me and you if you hadn't.
227
00:12:44,661 --> 00:12:48,301
-I'm never gonna get it right now.
-You didn't get it wrong.
228
00:12:48,381 --> 00:12:50,860
You were depressed. Desperate.
229
00:12:50,941 --> 00:12:54,661
Mmm. And I never thought
I'd feel like that again.
230
00:13:11,821 --> 00:13:13,980
-Sorry. Bad news.
-What?
231
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:16,581
We've had a robbery
and can't do your party.
232
00:13:16,661 --> 00:13:18,261
What party?
233
00:13:20,141 --> 00:13:22,821
Would that be a surprise party?
234
00:13:22,901 --> 00:13:24,340
I'm sorry. I didn't know!
235
00:13:24,421 --> 00:13:26,941
No, neither did I, but I do now.
236
00:13:27,021 --> 00:13:29,901
Paddy's gonna rip your lungs out.
237
00:13:29,980 --> 00:13:34,141
You've really crossed
the line this time, shithead!
238
00:13:38,740 --> 00:13:40,421
Fuck!
239
00:13:40,501 --> 00:13:43,781
-Didn't me dad tell you?
-Obviously not.
240
00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:49,181
Sorry. Again.
241
00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:53,581
-It's a good job she already knew, then.
-What?
242
00:13:53,661 --> 00:13:55,980
He chucks one every year.
243
00:13:57,781 --> 00:13:59,860
It's not a surprise if you know.
244
00:13:59,941 --> 00:14:02,100
Paddy doesn't know I know.
245
00:14:02,181 --> 00:14:04,460
That means it's a surprise.
246
00:14:04,541 --> 00:14:08,581
And if my Paddy wants me
to have a party, I'm having one.
247
00:14:08,661 --> 00:14:09,941
Who's ruined t'surprise?
248
00:14:10,021 --> 00:14:12,021
Bet fucking Lynch there.
249
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,301
She already knew.
250
00:14:13,381 --> 00:14:14,661
It's not the point.
None of us told her.
251
00:14:14,740 --> 00:14:19,740
It's done now. Karen's an idiot,
but she can't help that.
252
00:14:19,821 --> 00:14:21,421
Drop what you're doing.
253
00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:23,980
We know who took it.
Twats that drink in here.
254
00:14:24,061 --> 00:14:26,620
Threaten them. Hurt them.
255
00:14:26,701 --> 00:14:30,460
Bring everything back here.
Not a word to your dad.
256
00:14:30,541 --> 00:14:31,781
Party's on.
257
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:38,141
Any more dropped turds,
Paddy'll know you told me.
258
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,781
One fucking warning!
259
00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:48,141
Maguires want every piece
of fucking shite from the Jockey back!
260
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:52,901
Everything! You give it up now
or you fucking die!
261
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,100
Yeah. That should do it.
262
00:14:56,181 --> 00:14:57,340
Oi!
263
00:15:03,301 --> 00:15:04,740
Have you reported it?
264
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:06,021
Not insured.
265
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:07,301
We could catch 'em.
266
00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:13,301
Why are we here?
267
00:15:13,381 --> 00:15:14,860
Couple of drinks was the idea.
268
00:15:14,941 --> 00:15:16,141
I'm not British.
269
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:18,821
I don't need to get drunk to have sex.
270
00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:22,541
What, not even the first time?
271
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,500
[moaning]
272
00:15:35,460 --> 00:15:36,421
Who?
273
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:40,141
It must be Valerie.
That dumpster from Accounts.
274
00:15:40,220 --> 00:15:42,541
He's always sharing
her Cheesy Quavers.
275
00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:47,460
Stan, eh? Dirty fuck-pig.
276
00:15:47,541 --> 00:15:49,500
Pounding away.
277
00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:50,781
Arse cheeks bouncing.
278
00:15:52,381 --> 00:15:54,500
All that... sex.
279
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,301
Get you kind of hot, couldn't it?
280
00:15:57,380 --> 00:16:00,021
[moaning increases]
281
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:03,421
Old Stan in there. If he can do it.
282
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:04,421
What do you say?
283
00:16:07,860 --> 00:16:08,821
I say...
284
00:16:10,181 --> 00:16:11,460
feel free to crack one off.
285
00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:13,941
Perv.
286
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,141
What you doing?
287
00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:32,821
No more little babas.
288
00:16:32,901 --> 00:16:35,340
Won't be needing these.
289
00:16:35,421 --> 00:16:37,541
Christ's sake, Monica.
You're being a bit...
290
00:16:40,620 --> 00:16:43,581
Kids always desert
their parents in the end.
291
00:16:44,620 --> 00:16:45,941
All of them.
292
00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:48,181
Like you've deserted yours.
293
00:16:48,261 --> 00:16:50,021
I'm two doors away.
294
00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:55,781
Can you take her away?
295
00:16:58,340 --> 00:16:59,860
Reminds me of what I've lost.
296
00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:03,740
Monica, get a grip.
297
00:17:17,180 --> 00:17:19,461
-Oh!
-Oh, sorry!
298
00:17:19,541 --> 00:17:20,581
I'm Tom.
299
00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:24,100
Irana. Good friend... Schtan's.
300
00:17:30,061 --> 00:17:31,141
"Schtan."
301
00:17:31,221 --> 00:17:32,981
It's Eastern Europe.
302
00:17:33,061 --> 00:17:34,301
He's bought her.
303
00:17:34,381 --> 00:17:37,381
Mail-order bride. Gold-digger.
304
00:17:38,261 --> 00:17:39,501
Drugs mule.
305
00:17:40,541 --> 00:17:42,621
Trouble. He needs our help.
306
00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:45,461
-You're jumping to conclusions there.
-Copper's nose.
307
00:17:48,781 --> 00:17:50,341
I think you've met Tom, Irana.
308
00:17:50,420 --> 00:17:53,141
-Irana? Ruskie?
-Ukrainian.
309
00:17:53,221 --> 00:17:56,141
I'll run her through
the computer at work. No offence.
310
00:17:56,221 --> 00:17:59,741
No, you won't. She's a friend.
Someone I trust.
311
00:17:59,821 --> 00:18:03,701
We're a pretty tight group here.
You sure you're up for joining?
312
00:18:03,781 --> 00:18:05,581
Carrie!
313
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:17,180
Shane, get off. Me dad nicked that.
314
00:18:17,261 --> 00:18:18,341
Bastard!
315
00:18:19,381 --> 00:18:21,581
-What you doing Friday, love?
-What?
316
00:18:21,660 --> 00:18:23,021
Do you want to come to a party wi' me?
317
00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:24,900
Do I fuck!
318
00:18:24,981 --> 00:18:26,021
[laughs]
319
00:18:26,101 --> 00:18:27,061
[door slams]
320
00:18:29,821 --> 00:18:33,061
I know where you live!
321
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:36,821
-What the fuck?
-Prick!
322
00:18:45,660 --> 00:18:46,981
[knocking at door]
323
00:18:48,541 --> 00:18:50,981
I was a bit heavy-handed there.
324
00:18:51,061 --> 00:18:52,221
Soz.
325
00:18:52,301 --> 00:18:53,261
Yeah, just a tad.
326
00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:54,501
I'm very protective of my boys.
327
00:18:55,621 --> 00:18:57,341
Sorry.
328
00:18:57,420 --> 00:18:59,501
Put the kettle on, Stanley.
329
00:18:59,581 --> 00:19:02,381
I'll show Irana
where to put the shampoo.
330
00:19:06,221 --> 00:19:08,781
Full name? Quickly.
331
00:19:08,861 --> 00:19:12,301
-Irana Illyanovich Karushka Sawicka.
-I'll need a copy of your passport.
332
00:19:13,700 --> 00:19:16,940
-So why didn't you say anything?
-Didn't want to jinx it. We get on.
333
00:19:17,021 --> 00:19:19,781
I think this is something...
334
00:19:19,861 --> 00:19:22,221
I can't say. She's lovely.
335
00:19:22,301 --> 00:19:23,461
Yeah, I heard.
336
00:19:23,541 --> 00:19:27,021
There's more to it than...
It's not just sex. This is real.
337
00:19:27,101 --> 00:19:28,781
Schtan has paid for my flight.
338
00:19:28,861 --> 00:19:30,621
Nothing else. I'm here for month.
339
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:33,101
Until visa runs out, then home.
340
00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:34,821
Or sooner.
341
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:37,981
Neither of us has made any promises.
I'm no threat to you.
342
00:19:38,061 --> 00:19:39,940
I know you're not.
343
00:19:40,021 --> 00:19:41,660
"Sooner" sounds good to me.
344
00:19:42,781 --> 00:19:46,981
Consider yourself under surveillance,
and say nothing to Stan.
345
00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,141
You'll be out of a job?
346
00:19:52,221 --> 00:19:54,700
If we don't get all the crap back, yeah.
347
00:19:56,621 --> 00:19:59,101
Where's this from? Fuck's sake!
348
00:20:01,021 --> 00:20:02,940
-Fucking hell!
-Argh!
349
00:20:04,101 --> 00:20:06,741
Mon... give us some advice
on a recipe, will you?
350
00:20:15,741 --> 00:20:18,781
Well, I guess
it's not my souffle recipe you're after.
351
00:20:18,861 --> 00:20:21,341
Time for me to snap out of it, is it?
352
00:20:22,141 --> 00:20:23,660
They don't need to see you wallowing.
353
00:20:23,741 --> 00:20:25,861
I know your kids.
354
00:20:25,940 --> 00:20:28,221
They're a good bunch.
355
00:20:29,821 --> 00:20:30,781
Despite you.
356
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:36,221
Don't think of the one you're not having.
Think of the ones you've got.
357
00:20:38,261 --> 00:20:39,821
I'm sorry.
358
00:20:48,501 --> 00:20:50,021
I suppose you agree with her.
359
00:20:50,101 --> 00:20:52,021
You can't let yourself sink away again.
360
00:20:52,101 --> 00:20:55,821
-I've got you through this before.
-Mmm.
361
00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:57,381
Me escape.
362
00:20:59,981 --> 00:21:02,261
You know I was just using you,
363
00:21:02,341 --> 00:21:04,101
don't you?
364
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,420
No real feeling.
365
00:21:09,021 --> 00:21:10,261
I know you're trying to hurt us.
366
00:21:14,141 --> 00:21:15,581
Congratulations.
367
00:21:16,660 --> 00:21:19,381
You're on your own... again.
368
00:21:21,501 --> 00:21:22,461
[door slams]
369
00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:32,741
-You only met her five minutes.
-You get a feel for people in my job.
370
00:21:32,821 --> 00:21:35,141
I can tell what she's like.
371
00:21:35,221 --> 00:21:37,141
I've said things to her
I've never said to anyone else.
372
00:21:37,221 --> 00:21:39,940
It's mad, I know, but I really
do feel like I've known her forever.
373
00:21:40,021 --> 00:21:42,221
Sounds like you've fallen for her
big time.
374
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:43,341
I'm dreading her leaving already.
375
00:21:43,420 --> 00:21:45,501
Ah, well, there's not a moment to lose.
376
00:21:46,341 --> 00:21:49,101
If you think you've found
something special, then go for it.
377
00:21:49,180 --> 00:21:51,101
-You think?
-Yeah. Go on.
378
00:21:51,180 --> 00:21:53,861
Off you go. Go find her, go tell her.
379
00:21:53,940 --> 00:21:55,141
Erm, 'ey?
380
00:21:55,221 --> 00:21:57,821
Oh, keep the change.
381
00:21:59,460 --> 00:22:00,541
Thank fuck for that.
382
00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:06,141
-You've no need to do that.
-It's disgusting. I had to.
383
00:22:06,221 --> 00:22:08,221
Thanks.
384
00:22:08,301 --> 00:22:09,501
I... I got you...
385
00:22:09,581 --> 00:22:10,700
-For me?
-Yeah.
386
00:22:10,781 --> 00:22:12,221
Thank you, Schtan.
387
00:22:12,940 --> 00:22:14,420
-Oh.
-Are you all right?
388
00:22:15,381 --> 00:22:17,141
I have allergy to chocolate.
389
00:22:17,221 --> 00:22:18,180
Oh! Oh, sorry.
390
00:22:19,021 --> 00:22:19,981
It's OK.
391
00:22:20,061 --> 00:22:21,460
There's so much I don't know about you.
392
00:22:21,541 --> 00:22:22,861
It's a little thing.
393
00:22:22,940 --> 00:22:26,660
Not to me. I want to know everything.
Been waiting for you me whole life.
394
00:22:26,741 --> 00:22:32,180
Without realising, obviously.
You're the perfect fit, what I need.
395
00:22:32,261 --> 00:22:33,700
I found you.
396
00:22:34,940 --> 00:22:37,861
-Come on, let me talk to you.
-Schtan...
397
00:22:37,940 --> 00:22:40,381
I know...
398
00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:41,861
I know this is a bit quick,
399
00:22:41,940 --> 00:22:44,341
but I can't stand
the thought of you going back.
400
00:22:44,420 --> 00:22:45,821
I don't want us to be apart.
401
00:22:45,900 --> 00:22:47,180
Neither do I.
402
00:22:52,301 --> 00:22:54,501
I think you should move in.
403
00:22:54,581 --> 00:22:57,621
Here. With me. Together.
404
00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:02,821
I don't know how to say...
405
00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:05,221
No need for an answer now.
But think about it.
406
00:23:06,621 --> 00:23:10,741
Schtan, yes, I will think about it.
407
00:23:19,741 --> 00:23:21,940
[sirens wail]
408
00:23:23,261 --> 00:23:26,301
[Karen]
We're shut! Can't you fucking read?
409
00:23:30,101 --> 00:23:33,341
Don't fuck it up!
410
00:23:35,221 --> 00:23:36,660
I know you're family, Karen,
411
00:23:36,741 --> 00:23:39,501
but nothing matters as much to me
as my wife.
412
00:23:43,501 --> 00:23:44,741
Who did it?
413
00:23:46,420 --> 00:23:47,861
Everyone.
414
00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:52,460
-It was my fault.
-Don't cover for her. That's pathetic.
415
00:23:52,541 --> 00:23:54,301
You two, get it all back.
416
00:23:54,381 --> 00:23:57,660
We've already started.
We acted on us initiative.
417
00:23:57,741 --> 00:24:00,061
Oh, yeah?
418
00:24:00,141 --> 00:24:02,621
Well, why didn't you tell me first?
419
00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:04,341
Karen said not to.
420
00:24:18,900 --> 00:24:21,420
I haven't always done me best.
421
00:24:23,221 --> 00:24:26,581
There's no point saying
that I'll change or make it up to you,
422
00:24:26,660 --> 00:24:28,621
because that can't happen.
423
00:24:32,021 --> 00:24:37,061
I was wrong. I am a bad mother.
424
00:24:38,141 --> 00:24:43,861
[clicks tongue]
But... I do really love you.
425
00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:47,180
And you love me.
Well, you did when you were babies.
426
00:24:47,261 --> 00:24:51,460
Even you, Liam.
It's you I've let down the most.
427
00:24:51,541 --> 00:24:53,621
I wish I could go back, but...
428
00:24:55,821 --> 00:25:01,180
all I can do is learn to love you all...
429
00:25:01,261 --> 00:25:03,261
better.
430
00:25:15,261 --> 00:25:17,220
-What's this?
-English.
431
00:25:17,301 --> 00:25:19,061
You don't want to do that now.
Go on up to bed.
432
00:25:19,141 --> 00:25:22,940
-It's due tomorrow.
-I'll do it for ya.
433
00:25:28,581 --> 00:25:31,301
See you at ten. Thank you!
434
00:25:36,821 --> 00:25:38,220
ls this a brothel?
435
00:25:38,301 --> 00:25:41,381
Course not. We provide
exclusive executive services.
436
00:25:41,460 --> 00:25:44,301
-Like what?
-Hand shandies, blow jobs, sex.
437
00:25:46,861 --> 00:25:47,781
Why d'you have that?
438
00:25:47,861 --> 00:25:51,420
I thought it'd make a nice visitor's book,
but nobody bothers to sign it.
439
00:25:51,501 --> 00:25:53,541
Not with their real names, anyway.
440
00:25:55,861 --> 00:25:57,460
Couldn't get the other end of this,
could you, mate?
441
00:25:57,541 --> 00:25:59,180
[telephone rings]
442
00:25:59,261 --> 00:26:01,301
Lillian's Intimate Massage.
443
00:26:01,381 --> 00:26:04,021
[snores]
444
00:26:27,861 --> 00:26:31,061
-They'll think I'm a learning diffie.
-Mum is so challenged.
445
00:26:31,141 --> 00:26:32,741
We know why her lips move
when she's reading now.
446
00:26:32,821 --> 00:26:33,981
[Liam] What am I gonna do?
447
00:26:34,061 --> 00:26:35,301
You can't show that.
448
00:26:38,301 --> 00:26:39,341
Dog ate it.
449
00:26:39,420 --> 00:26:40,861
Morning!
450
00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:46,501
I've made you packed lunches.
451
00:26:50,101 --> 00:26:52,501
Thought I'd save a job for you all.
Just...
452
00:26:52,581 --> 00:26:55,301
sandwiches, crisps sort of thing.
453
00:26:57,420 --> 00:26:58,220
What's the matter?
454
00:26:58,301 --> 00:27:03,660
-We get free dinners.
-Yeah, well, this is extra. Playtime.
455
00:27:03,741 --> 00:27:06,101
I've left school. I work in the Jockey.
456
00:27:06,180 --> 00:27:08,501
If it's still open.
457
00:27:08,581 --> 00:27:11,501
Did you find your homework, Liam?
All right, were it?
458
00:27:11,581 --> 00:27:14,420
Yeah. It was, er, great.
459
00:27:14,501 --> 00:27:18,861
-Top of the class, eh, Liam?
-Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Mum.
460
00:27:21,341 --> 00:27:23,781
And get back early,
'cos we're having a barbecue!
461
00:27:24,861 --> 00:27:27,341
[plays rousing call]
462
00:27:38,741 --> 00:27:42,180
-How do you know it's her?
-Of course it is.
463
00:27:42,261 --> 00:27:44,700
We can't tell him. We can't.
464
00:27:47,101 --> 00:27:48,781
I suppose not.
465
00:27:50,660 --> 00:27:52,501
She's gone.
466
00:27:52,581 --> 00:27:54,861
Yeah. Kitty's gone, too.
467
00:27:54,940 --> 00:27:55,981
Oh.
468
00:28:08,341 --> 00:28:12,021
Why d'you have to do that?
You know he's fallen head over for her.
469
00:28:12,101 --> 00:28:13,621
Yeah. Sad.
470
00:28:22,220 --> 00:28:24,220
Paddy's dropped your CD off.
471
00:28:24,301 --> 00:28:26,261
S'great. Ceilidh.
472
00:28:26,341 --> 00:28:28,700
Ceilidh? Diddly-dee?
473
00:28:28,781 --> 00:28:30,541
I want ballroom dancing.
474
00:28:30,621 --> 00:28:34,220
I've been dropping hints
about Bruce fucking Forsyth for months.
475
00:28:34,301 --> 00:28:36,180
Lose the hippy shit.
476
00:28:36,261 --> 00:28:37,700
I want the posh stuff.
477
00:28:40,621 --> 00:28:41,581
What's that?
478
00:28:42,700 --> 00:28:44,301
Give us it.
479
00:28:49,341 --> 00:28:50,781
Fucking bastards!
480
00:28:52,700 --> 00:28:54,381
We're closed!
481
00:28:54,460 --> 00:28:55,900
Yeah.
482
00:28:55,980 --> 00:28:57,180
I noticed.
483
00:28:57,261 --> 00:28:58,501
What's it to you, anyway?
484
00:28:58,581 --> 00:29:00,501
Tom Tyldesley.
485
00:29:00,581 --> 00:29:02,700
From the brewery.
486
00:29:02,781 --> 00:29:04,101
Heard you'd got a problem.
487
00:29:11,341 --> 00:29:13,261
How's it going for dates, then?
488
00:29:13,341 --> 00:29:15,261
And who's taking Nana?
489
00:29:18,581 --> 00:29:20,021
Piss off.
490
00:29:20,101 --> 00:29:21,980
-How about you, Mickey?
-I'm fixed up.
491
00:29:22,061 --> 00:29:24,101
Are you? Fuck!
492
00:29:24,180 --> 00:29:26,980
Me? Again? Fuck!
493
00:29:28,621 --> 00:29:32,180
How's the unquenchable thirst
for hot cock?
494
00:29:32,261 --> 00:29:34,460
-It's a girl.
-A girl?
495
00:29:35,581 --> 00:29:37,621
I'd warn her before you put it in. Ooh!
496
00:29:38,301 --> 00:29:39,101
Come on, Shane!
497
00:29:39,180 --> 00:29:40,700
There's beer mats in here.
498
00:29:46,141 --> 00:29:48,501
At least we've still got a chance.
499
00:29:49,741 --> 00:29:50,980
Not now, Frank.
500
00:29:54,501 --> 00:29:56,301
The fine people of Chatsworth
501
00:29:56,381 --> 00:30:00,101
have appointed me
spokesman on their behalf.
502
00:30:00,700 --> 00:30:04,141
People don't like the way
that you're running the Jockey.
503
00:30:05,460 --> 00:30:07,101
It's not just a pub,
504
00:30:07,180 --> 00:30:09,381
a place of ale.
505
00:30:10,501 --> 00:30:13,341
It's a second home to most of us.
506
00:30:13,420 --> 00:30:14,621
First for some.
507
00:30:15,741 --> 00:30:18,781
We need that beer flowing.
508
00:30:18,861 --> 00:30:22,101
Well, you can communicate
to the fuckwits of Chatsworth
509
00:30:22,180 --> 00:30:26,061
that unless this public house
is full of furniture
510
00:30:26,141 --> 00:30:30,541
and running smoothly by tonight,
they're fucking closing me fucking down!
511
00:30:31,220 --> 00:30:32,581
You're shitting me.
512
00:30:38,420 --> 00:30:41,420
I could, um, light the barbie.
513
00:30:41,501 --> 00:30:43,900
Aww, thanks, love!
514
00:30:48,980 --> 00:30:50,781
Oh, there you are.
515
00:30:50,861 --> 00:30:54,700
Now, I know it's meat,
but would you mind taking it out for us?
516
00:30:59,541 --> 00:31:01,381
What's that?
517
00:31:01,460 --> 00:31:02,900
We're not speaking.
518
00:31:04,420 --> 00:31:05,460
Why not?
519
00:31:08,781 --> 00:31:10,301
No real feeling.
520
00:31:10,381 --> 00:31:14,061
I mean, saying it, like, like,
like we was nothing.
521
00:31:15,940 --> 00:31:17,781
-Don't you want the truth?
-Not if it's that.
522
00:31:18,460 --> 00:31:19,940
[shrieks]
523
00:31:20,021 --> 00:31:21,261
Liam's on fire!
524
00:31:21,341 --> 00:31:22,781
[Liam] Mum!
525
00:31:24,980 --> 00:31:27,460
God, another minute...
526
00:31:27,541 --> 00:31:29,180
Who gave him the lighter?
527
00:31:35,220 --> 00:31:36,261
Are y'all right?
528
00:31:36,341 --> 00:31:37,420
Yeah. Have I still got eyebrows?
529
00:31:37,501 --> 00:31:38,741
Just. Your hair's a bit...
530
00:31:39,621 --> 00:31:42,581
-[Debbie] What were you doing?!
-Well, I thought he was old enough.
531
00:31:43,261 --> 00:31:45,021
It's a responsibility.
532
00:31:46,900 --> 00:31:50,101
He's going through a phase.
Fire, danger...
533
00:31:50,180 --> 00:31:54,341
I do know, Debbie. He is my son.
There are other ways of dealing with it.
534
00:31:56,101 --> 00:31:57,660
Ooh, come on, get t'gas on.
535
00:31:57,740 --> 00:31:59,501
We'll do meat in t'oven, 'ey?
536
00:32:01,660 --> 00:32:03,781
Flame on, Bro. I'll do it.
537
00:32:18,740 --> 00:32:22,180
-It's all there. Sorry.
-Where have you been?
538
00:32:22,261 --> 00:32:24,980
I ran away.
539
00:32:25,061 --> 00:32:26,301
Was going home.
540
00:32:26,381 --> 00:32:28,021
I didn't want to scare you
about moving in an' that.
541
00:32:28,101 --> 00:32:31,180
No, you didn't. I'm liar.
542
00:32:33,700 --> 00:32:35,141
I lie.
543
00:32:36,501 --> 00:32:37,301
I'm married.
544
00:32:38,501 --> 00:32:40,261
I didn't mean to lie.
545
00:32:40,341 --> 00:32:41,821
My husband...
546
00:32:41,900 --> 00:32:44,740
is complicated.
547
00:32:45,501 --> 00:32:49,261
I would divorce, but my parents
would become homeless.
548
00:32:49,341 --> 00:32:50,541
I'm trapped.
549
00:32:51,141 --> 00:32:51,940
But you came back.
550
00:32:53,180 --> 00:32:55,061
I couldn't leave.
551
00:32:55,141 --> 00:32:59,420
You're my real man.
I had to tell you the truth and hear
552
00:32:59,501 --> 00:33:01,660
you say you didn't want me.
553
00:33:03,900 --> 00:33:05,061
Say it, Schtan.
554
00:33:12,460 --> 00:33:13,261
What's all this?
555
00:33:13,341 --> 00:33:15,381
Irana's done me the honour
of agreeing to move in.
556
00:33:16,940 --> 00:33:18,021
Wow!
557
00:33:19,261 --> 00:33:20,501
Well done, mate.
558
00:33:20,581 --> 00:33:23,940
When was this? Before or after
she returned the kitty?
559
00:33:24,021 --> 00:33:25,821
Well, after. Don't be like that.
560
00:33:25,900 --> 00:33:29,861
No, I'm really pleased for you both.
Really, I am.
561
00:33:29,940 --> 00:33:33,261
Well, Irana's got to go home
to, er, organise her affairs.
562
00:33:33,341 --> 00:33:35,341
But no hurry. You won't have
to move out for a couple of weeks.
563
00:33:35,420 --> 00:33:36,660
-What?
-What?
564
00:33:36,740 --> 00:33:38,980
It's not gonna work
with you two here as well, is it?
565
00:33:39,061 --> 00:33:40,940
No, the flat's in my name.
566
00:33:46,581 --> 00:33:48,900
Come on, that's got to be worth
a free beverage.
567
00:33:48,980 --> 00:33:51,061
You nicked it in the first place.
568
00:33:51,141 --> 00:33:55,660
-I'll buy you one, Frank.
-You're a gentleman, whoever you are.
569
00:33:56,301 --> 00:33:57,740
Very impressive.
570
00:33:57,821 --> 00:33:59,501
-Thank you.
-A shithole once more.
571
00:33:59,581 --> 00:34:01,740
Back to normal and running smoothly.
Like you said.
572
00:34:01,821 --> 00:34:03,821
Gonna give him a chaser with that?
573
00:34:03,900 --> 00:34:05,341
Oh!
574
00:34:06,581 --> 00:34:07,700
I put an order in.
575
00:34:07,781 --> 00:34:09,901
Well, not fast enough.
576
00:34:09,981 --> 00:34:12,021
Close, but no sodding cigar.
577
00:34:12,101 --> 00:34:13,581
You're shut Monday.
578
00:34:13,660 --> 00:34:15,541
[moans]
579
00:34:15,621 --> 00:34:19,300
Looks like you've got a foot in
as the new landlord, Gareth.
580
00:34:28,700 --> 00:34:32,340
I'm impressed.
Didn't think you had it in yer.
581
00:34:32,421 --> 00:34:36,260
We haven't. They're closing us down.
582
00:34:36,340 --> 00:34:38,740
Twat from the brewery
stitched us right up.
583
00:34:38,820 --> 00:34:41,220
-When?
-Out Monday.
584
00:34:41,300 --> 00:34:45,461
If you're looking for a positive spin,
at least we can still have the party.
585
00:34:45,541 --> 00:34:46,820
What?
586
00:34:46,901 --> 00:34:48,780
Well, why not?
Take your mind off things.
587
00:34:48,860 --> 00:34:50,021
I can't believe you.
588
00:34:50,101 --> 00:34:53,461
We're homeless
and all you care about is a poxy party!
589
00:34:53,541 --> 00:34:55,501
You're not homeless.
You can stop at ours.
590
00:34:55,581 --> 00:34:58,860
Can't persuade Mandy back,
but you've always got a home with me.
591
00:34:58,941 --> 00:35:01,621
You're fucking joking. Live with you?
592
00:35:01,701 --> 00:35:04,501
You're a selfish old hag.
We're trying to make a go of summat here,
593
00:35:04,581 --> 00:35:06,701
and all you care about is yourself.
594
00:35:06,780 --> 00:35:09,981
Well, fuck you. I won't be at your party.
595
00:35:10,061 --> 00:35:11,461
I'll be packing!
596
00:35:12,901 --> 00:35:16,340
-What have I said now?!
-We've been here before, Mum.
597
00:35:18,101 --> 00:35:19,461
I agree with her.
598
00:35:27,941 --> 00:35:30,621
Been thinking about other things
we could do together.
599
00:35:30,701 --> 00:35:31,981
Trips and that.
600
00:35:33,021 --> 00:35:36,300
Could, er, could go to Blackpool.
601
00:35:36,381 --> 00:35:38,621
[yelling]
602
00:35:39,541 --> 00:35:40,901
Or the Lakes.
603
00:35:40,981 --> 00:35:42,820
[splash, foghorn]
604
00:35:43,661 --> 00:35:44,901
The zoo?
605
00:35:46,621 --> 00:35:47,421
[Liam] Cool!
606
00:35:51,541 --> 00:35:53,501
Tea's ready when you are.
607
00:35:55,741 --> 00:35:58,780
Can't even bear thinking about.
I preferred it when she was shit.
608
00:35:58,860 --> 00:36:00,901
-Yeah.
-[Debbie] We should just tell her.
609
00:36:00,981 --> 00:36:04,701
"We don't like you. Stop trying to be
a proper mum, 'cos you can't be."
610
00:36:04,780 --> 00:36:08,300
She left us, and you're just rubbish.
611
00:36:08,381 --> 00:36:12,181
Oh! Oh! Oh! Aren't you bored
of being so hard on her?
612
00:36:14,141 --> 00:36:16,901
Try being nice for a change.
613
00:36:25,221 --> 00:36:28,261
-Come in.
-Can't yet.
614
00:36:28,340 --> 00:36:29,780
Something to do.
615
00:36:42,981 --> 00:36:46,101
-What's this?
-Happy Mother's Day.
616
00:36:46,181 --> 00:36:49,261
-For all the ones we missed.
-Let's start again, eh?
617
00:36:50,461 --> 00:36:51,421
Thanks.
618
00:36:51,501 --> 00:36:55,941
And you don't have to try too hard,
you know.
619
00:36:59,021 --> 00:37:03,981
We're just glad you're here.
Home. Like a family again.
620
00:37:04,061 --> 00:37:08,501
We... are so pleased.
621
00:37:13,901 --> 00:37:16,621
You're all, erm,
622
00:37:16,701 --> 00:37:19,061
sending me a message.
623
00:37:19,141 --> 00:37:20,901
I'll back off.
624
00:37:20,981 --> 00:37:22,380
I get it.
625
00:37:34,901 --> 00:37:38,221
It won't take long. Then I'll be free.
626
00:37:38,300 --> 00:37:41,021
I know. I'll miss you, that's all.
627
00:37:41,101 --> 00:37:43,581
You're worried I won't come back.
628
00:37:43,661 --> 00:37:46,541
God, no. I hadn't thought about that.
629
00:37:49,901 --> 00:37:53,221
My mother gave me this before she die.
630
00:37:53,300 --> 00:37:56,021
And she say I should wear forever
631
00:37:56,101 --> 00:37:59,941
so she could watch over
most precious thing.
632
00:38:02,461 --> 00:38:05,181
Now I have most precious thing.
633
00:38:18,780 --> 00:38:19,621
No...
634
00:38:31,300 --> 00:38:34,501
-Happy birthday, Mi-mo.
-Oh...
635
00:38:34,581 --> 00:38:36,901
Thanks, turtle.
636
00:38:36,981 --> 00:38:41,461
And here's to 40 more together.
637
00:38:41,541 --> 00:38:43,461
[door opens]
638
00:38:43,541 --> 00:38:45,061
Pressie time.
639
00:38:45,141 --> 00:38:47,661
Shut the door. Piss off!
640
00:38:53,021 --> 00:38:56,101
[laughs]
641
00:39:00,820 --> 00:39:03,021
Stay here.
642
00:39:03,901 --> 00:39:04,701
No goodbyes.
643
00:39:11,741 --> 00:39:13,101
You're a special guy, Stan.
644
00:39:29,541 --> 00:39:31,860
I've got a mate
who'll lend us a bed for a week.
645
00:39:31,941 --> 00:39:34,621
I am not staying
with anybody whose name is Chopper.
646
00:39:36,021 --> 00:39:38,101
What are you doing?
Oh, you said Monday!
647
00:39:39,340 --> 00:39:42,221
Tom's a bit confused. You've been doing
everything by the book.
648
00:39:42,300 --> 00:39:44,701
He's losing out. Tell her, Tom.
649
00:39:44,780 --> 00:39:46,300
I'll offer you the same deal I gave Jez.
650
00:39:46,380 --> 00:39:47,661
Which is?
651
00:39:47,741 --> 00:39:50,340
Water the beer down,
sell dodgy spirits
652
00:39:50,421 --> 00:39:52,300
and then split the difference.
653
00:39:52,380 --> 00:39:53,941
Don't have to say yes, Karen.
654
00:39:55,541 --> 00:39:58,741
Fuck it. Yeah. I'll do it.
655
00:39:58,820 --> 00:40:01,741
Should've said.
Don't know all the scams.
656
00:40:01,820 --> 00:40:04,221
Nice doing business with you.
657
00:40:07,380 --> 00:40:08,820
Thanks.
658
00:40:08,901 --> 00:40:10,661
Sorry I called you selfish.
659
00:40:10,741 --> 00:40:12,661
And an old hag.
660
00:40:14,981 --> 00:40:15,941
Yeah.
661
00:40:17,501 --> 00:40:20,221
Now get your fucking arse into gear!
662
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:25,981
Anyway, she can't eat them,
and I'm watching this.
663
00:40:26,061 --> 00:40:27,261
Thanks, Stan!
664
00:40:27,340 --> 00:40:28,901
Your advice led to it. Ta.
665
00:40:28,981 --> 00:40:30,741
Pleasure, love. I'm sure
you'll be very happy together.
666
00:40:30,820 --> 00:40:32,101
Thanks again for these.
667
00:40:37,101 --> 00:40:38,300
Oil
668
00:40:38,380 --> 00:40:40,261
-Oh, no.
-We'll see you in court.
669
00:40:40,340 --> 00:40:43,741
You should've used precautions.
It's not my fucking fault! Out! Out!
670
00:40:45,981 --> 00:40:47,061
What's up with them?
671
00:40:47,141 --> 00:40:49,621
I've had a faulty batch
of pregnancy testing kits,
672
00:40:49,701 --> 00:40:51,340
all showing up negative.
673
00:40:51,421 --> 00:40:53,300
Them the ones that Meena had?
674
00:40:53,380 --> 00:40:58,061
Meena? What's my Meena doing
with fucking pregnancy testing kits?
675
00:41:00,261 --> 00:41:03,061
Negative.
676
00:41:03,141 --> 00:41:05,021
And stop nicking from the shop.
677
00:41:05,101 --> 00:41:07,380
-Well, what's the point in having one?
-And don't have sex!
678
00:41:20,701 --> 00:41:21,780
Stan?
679
00:41:23,340 --> 00:41:24,541
She put Irana through the computer.
680
00:41:24,621 --> 00:41:25,820
Why? I said not to.
681
00:41:25,901 --> 00:41:27,701
She's a con artist.
682
00:41:28,300 --> 00:41:31,181
Specialises in coppers.
Done five in Greater Manchester.
683
00:41:31,261 --> 00:41:34,501
Something about
paying off an ex-husband.
684
00:41:35,621 --> 00:41:36,581
Sorry.
685
00:41:36,661 --> 00:41:38,221
[Carrie] Taken 'em for thousands.
686
00:41:38,300 --> 00:41:39,541
[Tom] Did you give her any money?
687
00:41:39,621 --> 00:41:40,581
No!
688
00:41:40,661 --> 00:41:42,981
Pay him off. Use this.
689
00:41:43,061 --> 00:41:44,661
Think of it as a moving-in present.
690
00:41:44,741 --> 00:41:47,101
Thank you, Schtan.
691
00:41:47,181 --> 00:41:49,061
Course I didn't!
692
00:41:49,901 --> 00:41:51,541
She's not even Ukrainian.
693
00:41:51,621 --> 00:41:54,141
She's Austrian. Lives in Crawley.
694
00:41:54,221 --> 00:41:57,780
But if you didn't give her anything,
she'll be back. We can trap her.
695
00:41:57,860 --> 00:42:00,021
So, you up for it, "Schtan?"
696
00:42:02,421 --> 00:42:05,261
Why don't you fuck off?
697
00:42:09,340 --> 00:42:11,261
Jesus!
698
00:42:11,340 --> 00:42:13,780
You do a man a favour...
699
00:42:14,461 --> 00:42:16,141
Why don't we have a quick one, huh?
700
00:42:16,221 --> 00:42:18,101
It's ages before the table.
701
00:42:18,181 --> 00:42:19,621
Just one. I'll have to pace meself.
702
00:42:19,701 --> 00:42:20,780
Just the one. Come on.
703
00:42:23,380 --> 00:42:24,981
Shh! Quiet, they're here!
704
00:42:27,501 --> 00:42:29,340
Shh.
705
00:42:29,421 --> 00:42:32,461
[cheering]
706
00:42:33,941 --> 00:42:37,981
Oh, fucking hell! You bastard!
707
00:42:38,061 --> 00:42:40,820
Did you not guess?
I was sure you'd guessed this time.
708
00:42:40,901 --> 00:42:43,340
No! Didn't have a fucking clue.
709
00:42:47,061 --> 00:42:48,021
Party!
710
00:42:50,181 --> 00:42:52,541
[music plays]
711
00:43:02,501 --> 00:43:06,541
I understand you wanting to help
the kids get a grasp of the Bible.
712
00:43:06,621 --> 00:43:07,820
[Monica]
Anyone watching this?
713
00:43:07,901 --> 00:43:08,860
No, not really.
714
00:43:14,780 --> 00:43:15,621
I am pregnant.
715
00:43:17,141 --> 00:43:19,221
I've taken a new test.
716
00:43:22,501 --> 00:43:26,621
-Do you want it?
-Yeah. I really do.
717
00:43:27,701 --> 00:43:28,501
[Carl] Great!
718
00:43:28,581 --> 00:43:31,021
A baby. Why not?
719
00:43:31,101 --> 00:43:33,300
Yeah. I'm fed up
of being the youngest, anyway.
720
00:43:33,380 --> 00:43:36,101
And you won't have
to bring it up, I promise.
721
00:43:36,181 --> 00:43:39,860
But I will need
one little bit of help.
722
00:43:39,941 --> 00:43:42,101
Don't let me screw up this time.
723
00:43:42,860 --> 00:43:43,661
I'll try.
724
00:43:58,261 --> 00:44:00,820
Fuck!
725
00:44:00,900 --> 00:44:02,981
-l asked that bint out.
-And I said no.
726
00:44:03,061 --> 00:44:06,380
-What's wrong with me?
-Your taste in women, for a start.
727
00:44:06,461 --> 00:44:08,820
Forget that bitch.
Come on, let's dance.
728
00:44:08,900 --> 00:44:11,021
-Er, I hope you don't mind.
-What?
729
00:44:11,101 --> 00:44:12,820
Me brother wanted to come along.
730
00:44:18,741 --> 00:44:20,701
Testing, testing, testing.
731
00:44:23,141 --> 00:44:27,101
We all know why we're here tonight,
don't we? Happy birthday!
732
00:44:27,181 --> 00:44:29,820
[cheering]
733
00:44:29,900 --> 00:44:31,101
But...
734
00:44:31,181 --> 00:44:36,621
there's one more little surprise,
because tonight...
735
00:44:36,701 --> 00:44:41,261
[plays This Is Your Life theme tune]
736
00:44:43,501 --> 00:44:49,780
Mimi Catherine Rose Joy
Murphy Maguire,
737
00:44:49,860 --> 00:44:51,741
this is...
738
00:44:53,061 --> 00:44:55,181
Who's written "Terry Titwank"
all over this page?
739
00:44:57,141 --> 00:44:58,021
Who?!
740
00:45:00,501 --> 00:45:04,941
-Paddy, it's all right. Oh, thanks.
-It took me ages to do this!
741
00:45:05,021 --> 00:45:07,221
It's all right. Come on, dance.
742
00:45:15,541 --> 00:45:18,501
I owe you everything.
743
00:45:18,581 --> 00:45:20,340
Me life, really.
744
00:45:21,860 --> 00:45:23,461
That's not nothing.
745
00:45:26,941 --> 00:45:33,181
♪ And my heart's kind of full of joy ♪
746
00:45:33,261 --> 00:45:39,261
♪ Because she told me
I'm her kind of boy ♪
747
00:45:46,981 --> 00:45:49,141
I'm gonna have a baby.
748
00:45:49,221 --> 00:45:52,581
You've already fucking told me that.
It's hardly a surprise, is it?
749
00:46:05,780 --> 00:46:08,141
Are you taking a fucking turn here,
or what? Come on.
750
00:46:08,221 --> 00:46:12,380
[Monica] By many people's standards,
I do count as a terrible mother.
751
00:46:12,461 --> 00:46:14,661
I'm never gonna win any prizes, anyway.
752
00:46:14,741 --> 00:46:17,021
Men can leave
as many children as they like.
753
00:46:17,101 --> 00:46:20,981
If you're an old rocker, you're virtually
expected to leave hundreds of 'em.
754
00:46:21,061 --> 00:46:24,061
Ceilidh!
755
00:46:24,141 --> 00:46:26,661
[music plays]
756
00:46:28,941 --> 00:46:32,021
I know she knows. But she doesn't know
that I know she knows.
757
00:46:34,780 --> 00:46:38,261
[Monica]
Nobody forgives a woman.
758
00:46:38,340 --> 00:46:40,380
Nobody.
759
00:46:40,461 --> 00:46:44,101
I've got a second chance,
and I'm gonna grab it.
760
00:46:44,181 --> 00:46:46,621
That's right, isn't it, baba?
761
00:46:46,701 --> 00:46:48,780
Mon-Mon's second chance.
762
00:46:58,501 --> 00:47:01,101
Dad, that guy on the telly,
he's saying you've won the lottery.
763
00:47:01,181 --> 00:47:02,581
You lucky bastard.
764
00:47:02,661 --> 00:47:05,661
Do I look like I've got charity stamped
across my fucking forehead, love?
765
00:47:05,741 --> 00:47:07,221
Don't fucking follow me.
766
00:47:08,741 --> 00:47:10,661
I can't believe
you fucked some guy in our bed.
767
00:47:10,741 --> 00:47:12,820
-Keep it down.
-You're fucking disgusting.
768
00:47:12,900 --> 00:47:13,981
And you're an homophobe.
769
00:47:14,061 --> 00:47:16,621
It's my little 'un, Liam.
He's been kidnapped.
770
00:47:16,701 --> 00:47:17,661
I'll talk to some folk.
771
00:47:19,860 --> 00:47:23,101
[man on phone] Half a million quid
if you wanna see him again.
772
00:48:03,501 --> 00:48:05,860
Time, gentlemen, please.
773
00:48:07,941 --> 00:48:10,900
Oh, well. ln that case,
I'll have another one.
774
00:48:10,981 --> 00:48:13,221
Give us the rest of the bell back first.
775
00:48:13,300 --> 00:48:15,621
Me? Why is it always me?
776
00:48:15,701 --> 00:48:18,661
Give it back to us and we'll serve you.
777
00:48:23,300 --> 00:48:26,461
[bell rings]
51930
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