Original subtitles

[intro music]

[Frank] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives

they were given by him upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

-Wicked! -Piss off!

What sounds on Earth could ever replace

kids needing money or wives in your face?

'Cos this, people reckon, me included,

is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.

To calm us all down and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

You shit on our head, but... you pay the taxes.

[cheering]

[Frank] Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers.

Who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?

Eh!

Make poverty history.

Cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history!

Cheaper drugs now!

[chuckles] Scatter!

Party!

[chokes]

[Frank] Still waiting for my moment.

Not that 15 minutes bollocks, you know, a real one.

And when my hour doth cometh, I am the man to filleth it.

All I want is to show the bastards. You know, proper like.

You know that Kipling twat? He nailed it.

Someone call an ambulance!

He needs Heimlich Manoeuvre.

Help him. Will somebody give him a hand, for fuck's sake?

[Frank] If all around lose their heads and you're... Blah, blah.

Look up the rest, I've set the scene.

If you're not in any personal danger, step in, mate. Save the day.

What's more, you'll be a man, my son.

[Shane] Calm down. Just stay there.

Help him, for fuck's sake!

Yeah...

[Frank] Massive.

I've only got these.

Put 'em down.

Crawling all over my tits fresh out of prison. Irish twat.

-'Scuse me, could I trouble one of you... -Fuck off, Frank.

More sensitive soul could take offence, you know.

This is Paddy Smith.

Aye, aye. No need to brick it.

Shut your noise!

This is the man who was put away for crushing bigger fish than us!

Runs a firm 20 times bigger than ours,

and I've infringed on his market while he's been absent.

There's cause for apprehension.

Yeah, but he might let us keep it if we give him a bung.

No, no, no, no, no.

-He won't be doing me any favours. -Why not?

Paddy Smith is Other Paddy.

Your mother's first boyfriend.

-Oh. -She dumped him for me.

Jesus, Shane, and to think I could've had a wank instead of you.

[Frank] I mean, what's wrong with wanting to be a hero?

-[Shane] Come on, Dad. -Stand back!

Nowt.

Crash trolley!

[Frank coughs noisily]

Ow!

You saved my life.

You fucking hero!

Form is temporary. Class is permanent.

I'm completely shit-faced.

[both laugh]

Drinks all round!

[laughing]

I mean, what kind of a mutant peanut is that?

It's a cashew.

That's not a pub nut. Is this a wine bar?

Are we going metro-fucking-sexual here?

-I was just trying something new. -[Frank and Paddy mock]

Oh, something new with a cashew!

Yeah, well, lucky it was your da', or you'd be the one choking now.

Two in one night.

Chatsworth's Oscar Schindler.

We're brothers now, Frank.

There's a blood debt.

You're gonna find out what Patrick Maguire's like

when he's sincerely grateful.

Can I have 14 more drinks, please?

-[laughs] -[glass smashes]

["Brimful Of Asha" by Cornershop playing]

[singing along drunkenly]

♪ Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow Everybody needs... ♪

-What you doing? -Sorry.

I forgot we'd changed beds.

I wasn't gonna bum ya!

I know you weren't. It's all right.

I'm totally cool with the gay thing.

You what?

I'm cool.

That's cool. I'm cool with you being cool.

Piss off.

[Carl] I'm telling you, Ian, he fancies you.

How've we gone from no-one knowing or talking about it

to everyone having an opinion?

Opinions are like bumholes, everyone's got one.

They all stink.

He were asking after ya.

-Mr Scott? -Yeah, why wouldn't he?

He lives with another teacher.

Not any more.

Above the greengrocer's on Tuttle Street.

Virgil Kenyatta's dad owns it.

Scotty moved out a week ago when his boyfriend chucked him.

And now he's asking after you. Hmm.

What could this mean?

He's just your type an' all.

A geography teacher?

[Debbie] Fit. Available.

Knows all about oxbow lakes.

Oh, a teacher?

Didn't know you went for older women, Ian?

It's a bloke.

Oh. Trying to turn you, is he?

Hiya, Carl.

You walking to school?

Er... yeah.

Who's that?

Sarah Berry.

School dick magnet.

-So what you doing tonight, then? -Come on Chesney.

Hey! Me mum wants you to do a couple hours in the shop.

-When? -Now.

Can't one of youse do it?

She won't let us bunk off.

Looks like we're only walking as far as the shop.

You walkin' us an' all?

Get off, Meena.

Don't mind me.

Got mice.

Little bastards.

Are vegetarians allowed to say that?

Anything that leaves a trail of piss behind it deserves to die, horribly.

Get stuffed.

Well, I didn't mean you!

-Touchy. -He says he didn't wet the bed.

He was putting out a fire.

Look at the state, Deb.

I'm living in a shit-heap attached to a shit-hole.

Mooning over her bloody highness up there.

What's she doing in my room?

She's after it.

Well, it is four times the size of hers.

Bitch!

She's not having it.

She's only a squatter! Same as you.

Oh, well, thanks very much.

Well, you are. Look at the state of this yard. It's full of crap.

If you're staying, then it's your space.

So get off your arse and do something about it.

Well, tell it like it is, why don't you?

You're such a moaner!

Make a decision and put some effort in.

-Get that kettle on, Carl! -[boy] Shit!

Got a throat like Thursday's bhaji here.

There's more teabags under the sink.

Don't use the ones in the shop.

I don't drink counterfeit.

-Carl? -Yeah?

-Phone the police. -And say what?

Just phone the police!

He saved my life.

Next time, try and get saved

by someone who isn't a human fucking compost heap.

I'm proud to call that man friend.

[laughing]

Might need some stock.

I'm hitting the old folk's home.

Got something on.

-How many bags are left? -Five.

-Isn't that enough? -Dunno.

The oldies are mad for their weed.

What are you doing?

-Got a meet. -Who with?

Someone from yesteryear.

Twenty-five yesteryears, to be precise.

Who?

Other Paddy.

-Other Paddy? -Mmm.

My Other Paddy?

[Yvonne] Are you gonna get stuck in?

It's gonna take all of you to batter that door down.

I don't know how he's locked himself in there. The little wanker!

No need. Tom's had special training.

At the negotiation workshop, they said,

"Talk first and you won't have to act later."

Rubbish! Oi!

-You had your hair cut? -Have I fuck!

Every day they find a new way to rob us.

What are you lookin' at?

Sorry. Just when you're angry, your eyes...

Sorry.

Don't be weird, Stan.

Tom here.

Want to tell me your name?

[boy] Fuck off.

I'm from Ireland. I've got six brothers and sisters and...

Ain't got time to bore him out.

[Tom] What're you doing?

Gas!

-You're nicked. -[all coughing]

You're costing me more than the hoodie.

Sorry about that.

Tear gas, Lillian. No-one can go in.

Oh, no, I like a good weep, me.

Search her when she leaves.

Why now?

He'll have heard the word about you inside.

-You've moved up a division. -No.

I'm famine potatoes to him.

Could be getting nostalgic for the things he's lost.

Doesn't matter if he is.

I know I plumped for the perfect Paddy.

The poorer Paddy.

-Mmm. -Look at this palace.

Every dream, fulfilled.

He's dodgy. You need me with you.

I can wrap him round this. You don't lose that.

Your man'll think I'm pussy-whipped.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Meet him first.

Then I'll bump into you in the pub.

We're a team, you and me.

I'm getting off, too.

Picking up a car.

Dad's bankrolled us.

New business, executive transport.

Dad coughed up for that?

Lent.

You spanner.

Well, s'pose you can put me right, eh?

Tia Maria and coke.

And a pint for shitty drawers.

Couldn't stretch to a couple of Es, could you?

Me fucking ribs...

You look nice, Mimi.

Assisting Paddy with a bit of business.

Patrick Donal Maguire.

It's good to see you, kid.

-Long time. -Aye, Paddy. How's yourself?

Fine. Sure, a five-year stretch is bullshit.

At our age we could do ten years without blinking.

Am I right?

Don't shite yourself, I'm not asking you to get sent down for me.

Come away! I'm ripe for a wee bit of entertainment.

Well, I'm guessing a drink would sit nicely.

Ah, well, the bar's fully stocked.

But what I've really missed is filthy women.

My balls are as heavy as avo-fucking-cados, Patrick!

Huh?

I know that look.

Have you laid one on for me?

Have you? Huh?

Patrick?

Patrick, you have, haven't you, so?

Huh?

I'm on my way.

Two Guinness, son.

[Other Paddy] Oh, is this her? She would do me.

She fucking wouldn't.

[Other Paddy] Ah, Jesus! It's not that, is it?

A rhino in a joy-bag. I only need something to hold onto.

I don't want to get smothered by some great arse, for Christ's sake.

Mimi?

I'm so sorry.

It just came out all twisted.

I've been away a long... [laughs nervously]

Mimi, I said I'm sorry.

Don't be like that!

That's a terrible mistake I just made there, kid.

And I'm truly contrite. I am.

If I could take my words back...

But it is a good time to remind you,

my people always know who I'm seeing.

You think of Mimi.

The kiddies.

You put your pride in your pocket, big man.

Very bad trouble is only a wee phone call away.

[sobs]

That is executive transport?

Two minutes in business

and you've already lost your one customer.

-Congratulations! -What?

I wanted something incon-fucking-spicuous!

Not a mobile poof's palace!

Fucking joke.

I think it's cute, if it's any consolation.

Jesus, Mickey.

I was just trying to be nice.

You're so desperate.

I've got a date!

Oh, I take it all back.

Sorry. I would've come in on it with you, but Paddy's rates are...

You'll go tits-up trying to pay him back.

He's not a charity. He's got a...

Where you off?

School.

What for?

Checking out one of the teachers.

Hot for cock. But who isn't?

Well, I was gonna offer you a lift, but you can walk.

It's a bit pink for me anyway.

I'm not that out.

It's "fuss-chia"!

It was a judgement call, and I may, may, have erred in that judgement.

But you have to remember who he is, that little piece of scum!

I wanted to saw his ugly fucking head off! But I couldn't.

I'm sorry. I've let you down.

-What did he want? -Dunno yet.

We didn't get round to it.

I've got to meet him again later.

Gave you time off to come after me. Very good of him.

-What d'you think when you look at me? -What?

What do you see?

I see my fabulous wife.

The mother of my children.

The woman who I love and adore more than the very world.

You don't notice I've kept me baby weight?

I don't care about that.

Prove it. Fuck me.

-Fuck me now. -Christ, Mi.

You know, this fucking hernia.

-I can't. -You haven't slipped me one for months.

Since I've had this.

It's printed in your eyes! You've stopped fancying me!

-Never! -You're the same as him!

Me and that twat!

Mimi!

Every curve.

Straight from the angels.

I know what you think. What you see!

I do not!

Would never, ever think of you as fat!

What did you fucking say?

I don't think of you as fat.

I can't believe you used the fucking "F" word in my presence!

Bumble? Easy there!

Calm down!

Why don't you kill me?

It'd be easier to take!

You homeless bastard!

Oh, fuck! What's up?

Nowt. I hope. So what d'you reckon, then?

Not exactly Alan Titwank, are you?

Not used it for cutting wood before, have I? Takes practice.

It's a saw, you toss. What else is it for?

If I told you that, Norma, I'd have to waste your arse.

I'm not scared of you. I'm not scared of...

A mouse! A mouse, a mouse!

-A mouse! A mouse! A mouse! -You bastard!

-Why've you got the best bed? -l own it.

I'll have the bed I want.

What's wrong with one of the flats?

You wouldn't want your old man

hanging around in one of them cruddy rat-holes, would you?

I've got a date later.

Well, I won't try and join in.

I can't! Not with the old...

It won't be long. Your ma's totally gone off her nut.

It's a woman thing. Temporary.

She'll keep a couple of days, won't she?

-Who? -The slut. Your date?

Not that one!

A present!

That'll spur her into sense.

A special one.

-Start the Twat-mobile, Twat-man. -We need petrol.

Well, get some!

Oh, fucker! No, no, no, you should be careful with it.

You know I am a veg. Stop it!

Me snake isn't.

You've got a snake?

Python.

Oh. Oh, I used to have an iguana.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

[Paddy] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Forgive us?

I've never been right about food and all that shite.

It doesn't matter to Dad.

It does. Matters to everybody. Matters to me.

You could lose weight if you really wanted to.

Weren't any fat people came out of concentration camps.

No, they all looked like you.

-Fuck off. -You fuck off.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Sorry.

-You think it's 'cos I've no willpower. -l never said that.

Food, looks, weight. Blight of my life.

If you're an alcoholic, you stop drinking. You can't stop eating!

It's always fucked me up! Always there!

And how many times have you heard me mention it to you?

How many times have you heard me moan

about my arse or my looks?

Never! You've never heard it!

Because I was determined never to pass all that shit onto my daughter!

And I haven't. That's willpower!

I knew it'd drive my Paddy away one day.

It hasn't. You told him to go.

I don't need a man who wants me outta habit.

I need a man who fucking wants me.

He's stopped.

He can't...

I'm starvin'. ls there any of them double choccy chips left?

All I've got left of my marriage is little Leslie here.

-S'not really serious, is it? -[mouthing] Go.

All right.

I'll help, Mum.

You can lose weight.

I don't want to stop drinking or eating...

or do any exercise.

Do a diary.

Write down everything you eat. We'll see where we are.

Starting the engine costs a tenner.

I can't hire it out, 'cos I've got me dad's massive pants

drying on the heater

and his truss all over the back seat.

Polishing the fucker's the only thing I can afford to do. Whoa.

You knew it was gonna cost you. Why'd you buy it?

Somewhere to bring lads back, not that I can do that now.

And a business. I'm sick of being the family chimp.

I'm not gonna meet his first payment.

Job going in the pub?

-No chance. -There must be.

I'm not having you feeling me up every time there's a quiet patch.

-l wouldn't. -No, Mickey. No.

How was sir?

Keen as.

You're joking?

I'm seeing him tonight.

It's a bit pink, in't it, mate?

It's not pink!

All right, mate, how's it hangin'?

Not good. Not good.

She's holding this one against me. Really is.

And I don't know how to live without her.

Well, you could take my advice. Drink through it.

You gettin' 'em in?

Usual, Frank?

Get us a chaser, too.

Good to see that you're early.

Cold Guinness, angel.

So, let's chat and sort this business.

You've splashed out on that, haven't you? Good job you're minted.

I am compared to someone who's got fuck-all.

Well, I know you're all right, 'cos sure you've been dealing off

my best patches while I've been rotting away inside.

Only an idiot could lose money on them ones.

And you're not an idiot, are you, Paddy?

Are you an idiot?

I'm only joking you. If I wanted to post some lead up your arse,

it'd be snuggling your colon by now.

What, fuck's sake! What?

It's not still Mimi, is it? Sure, that's all sorted out!

Let's not fall out over a few pounds, eh?

Specially not the ones on your... your old lady's arse.

Fucking little fuck!

Yeah, that's fucking smart, that.

Very fucking intelligent, you small-time fuck!

When you want to die?

When I go home or when I don't go home? Your choice.

Oh, is this your diary?

That's all right. Biscuits?

We need a professional.

No. I've tried everything. I'm beyond help.

Hypnosis.

It's not working. It's not.

Kept waking up with marshmallows in me hair.

Turned me into an unconscious sleep-eater. Tried exercise.

[woman on TV] ♪ In time... ♪

[woman singing on TV] ♪ Only takes a moment to feel all right ♪

♪ Get fresh at the weekend ♪

Gave me a raging appetite. I put weight on.

Only time I lost weight was in prison. Nothing else works.

I can help.

No, you can't.

I'll never be thin.

Never be... desirable again.

Got to face what I am.

I'm a bulimic who can't stand vomit.

We can try.

No, Mandy, love.

I am fat.

I'm a fat fuck.

I'm a fucking fat fucker.

Where did these come from?

Mandy's mum give 'em us.

[Carl] You trying to show us up?

Me?

Bezz saw you at school. Sniffing round Scotty.

He didn't see that. We were having a goss.

I know what you were doing.

I thought you were coo-ell with the gay thing?

That's got nothing to do with this. It's school, Ian. I get taught by him.

He were all over us. ''Very good, Carl. Top of the class.''

I looked a right twat in front of Sarah.

-Well, you tipped me off. -He's my teacher!

So what? I'll see who I like.

Debbie, love.

Can I squeeze these into your cupboard?

There's absolutely no space in that teensy room of ours.

[Debbie] What?

Leslie? Leslie?

Leslie? Come to Mummy.

I can't find her anywhere.

Leslie. A he.

Well, a leg of lamb's missing off the side as well.

You didn't snaffle it, did you?

You cheeky bastard!

Leslie'll have had it.

He'll be back when he's hungry.

Don't throw me out. Don't!

I've got something for you. Come with me. Come on.

Mimi!

Oh!

Nice one, Norma.

Out again.

Here you are. Come on.

Din-dins, Butch!

He won't take it.

-Maybe he's not hungry? -He should be. Here, lift the bed up.

Look at that.

-It looks like he's... -What?

It's the dog.

It's me mum's dog. He's had it...

Oh...

Oh, don't go off on one. You don't know for sure.

OK. Now you know for sure.

I'm toast! I'm dead!

I'm totally fucking dead!

That's how much I love you.

-What've you done? -He's for you.

What do you want me to do with your gift?

Are you losing your fucking mind as well as your touch?

It's not about him.

It's about you and me. It's about me.

I can't believe you'd do something like that.

What've you done, Paddy?

Piss flaps!

We are neck-high.

We? Where's the ''we'' come from? It's nowt to do with me.

I did help with your fence.

Howay then!

Okey-dokey, Einstein.

Plan?

Get another dog. Hope she doesn't notice.

I mean, she's had it no time. They all look the same.

-Do they? -Aye. They all look like Mimi.

You should be more sympathetic. She's got body issues.

Oh, who hasn't? She should get over herself.

[gibbers]

Pathetic. You're as bad as mum.

I didn't mean that.

What's going on, baby-cakes?

It's the money you owe Dad.

I can't say.

How much interest is he charging?

Let go... I can't tell. Argh!

The usual rate!

I can't afford it.

He's gonna break me legs...

again.

Two more 'ere, Karen.

Oh, still got the girl trouble?

I'm lost.

Without her, I'm lost.

I've done something stupid and there's no way out.

Yeah, there's plenty more fish in the sea, you know,

get straight back on the horse... All that jon-bobbins.

You know, Frank, I've been thinking.

What's worse than being owed something?

-House fire? Cluster bomb? -Owing someone.

See, I owe you

and it's beginning to gnaw at me. Understand?

Yeah.

So I want to pay you in full.

Discharge my debt. Back to quits. Would that be acceptable?

If I asked nicely?

Uh... Yeah, s'pose so.

Good.

Two mind.

Not one.

Couldn't lend us a score, could you? I'm down to bare bones...

Shh!

How're we gonna dig our way outta this?

Easy. Just...

He can't let you go.

And he can't kill me or keep me here.

No word of a lie, my people do know where I've gone.

I am truly sorry for what I said...

but if I don't turn up soon, then there's going to be some...

sick violence.

Really sick.

Let me go, kid.

Do it now, and there'll be no comeback.

No grudges, no hard feelings. Nothing.

Guarantee?

My word.

That it?

After what we had?!

You know you can trust me.

I've only ever had the highest regard for you.

You were a desert island fuck for me.

You were nearly my Paddy.

Could've been you sat in front of the telly,

scratching your balls and hating me for going too fat.

It would not be like that.

You'd love the inner me?

Of course.

Remember me?

You know I am a man of honour.

Don't you?

Hardly given you a moment's thought,

but I do remember you.

I remember why I dumped you an' all.

You're a lying arsehole.

Ah, Mimi,

you're a fat stupid bitch, so you are.

That was your last chance to save your limp-dicked Paddy.

Won't be getting a hard-on with his blood all over the fucking pavement!

[muffled cries]

[muffled cries]

[muffled] See you later.

[thud]

What're you doing?

-Falling over. -What time is it?

Where've you been?

You've seen him, haven't you?

None of yours.

I asked you not to. You've gone and shagged him, haven't you?

You didn't ask me anything.

You're a selfish wanker.

Oh, cock off, pig tits.

-What're you talking about? -[both] Put that out!

What've I told you? No more fires!

Carl?

[barking]

It's exactly the same.

Apart from personality. The vicious little twat.

[squeals]

[Norma] Shall we leave it in the yard for her to find?

Yeah. Just got to put this on, pierce its ear and we're done.

-Pierce its ear? -Yeah, she put an earring in.

Which is gay side?

Gay side?

Yeah, she won't want a gay dog, will she?

What's gayer than a fucking air dog?

-[snarl] -[screams]

Perfect!

I like you too.

-Do you want a brew? -Stop nosing about, Debs.

-I'm not. I'm making one. -I'm all right, ta.

Mr Scott?

You all right, sir?

Didn't know you two were a couple.

-What're you doing? -You left this.

-It's not mine. -Isn't it?

Oh, no.

Now it looks like I've come up with an obviously transparent excuse

just to see you again, doesn't it?

I wouldn't leave your car out there.

[Mr Scott] Half a mo'. I've got your homework here.

That... was relatively inventive, Carl.

And you should try copying Carl, Sarah,

instead of Dave Martin's hopeless effort, which is the highway to a C minus.

I'd better be going.

-What, now? -Yeah.

-I'll call you. -Whatever.

Oh, piss!

You got the right sex, didn't you? It was a dog, not a bitch.

Leslie!

Look what I found.

Oh, hello, gorgeous.

Where's his tattoo?

Oh, for fuck's sake. How we supposed to fucking know that?

What was it?

-Who did it? -Inky Bob.

-Inky Bob? -You know, the one with the...

Well, that explains it. Doesn't use proper ink.

-Look at that. -There's nowt there.

Exactly. Guess who did mine?

Inky fucking Bob.

That fucking... That fucking Inky Bob! Please tell me you didn't go to see him!

Totally faded. Fraud!

[Mimi] ls everyone a bastard?

[door slams]

[Paddy] You're wasting your time.

Bank won't give him the steam off its piss.

Never mind a three grand loan.

Will if I'm with him.

Making sure he gives his real name.

Are we setting off? Or can we kill the engine?

Petrol and that...

Are we going anywhere?

I'm not helping you with mum if you don't do this for Mickey.

Turn the engine off. Come back here.

You really push it with this heir apparent bollocks.

[door handle clunks]

What sort of a fucking car...?!

Well, done, setting up the business, son. I'm proud of you.

I'm cancelling the loan.

It's a gift.

Oh, Dad.

[Mandy] I'll speak to her. -[Paddy] Careful.

It's all in her head. We hate you being apart.

Hate you being in here, too.

But that's not the main reason.

ls it Dad's fault you got bigger?

Has he been cramming the pies in?

No. He's never even mentioned your weight.

You've chucked him out 'cos some other bloke said it.

All he wants is to be back with you. I've seen him.

He may as well have his arms off.

He's better off without me.

Oh, don't whine.

I live with this every day. This layer of lard has ruined my life.

And now it's ruining Paddy's, too. He's in a mess 'cos of me

and my weight.

-l can fix it. -Gonna have him back?

I'm going to fix it.

What're you doing?

Looking for something.

For Leslie to chew.

Look, I've things I need to do. I might be going away.

I've messed up, but I've found a way out for your dad.

For everybody, for the best.

Look after him for me.

He was your dad's last present.

Mum? Mum, where're you going?

Dad, Dad! You got to go find Mum.

-Why? -She's just acting weird.

-The gun's gone missing. -Which gun?

The one in t'wardrobe. You don't think she's gonna...?

She'd never do that.

Shit!

It's not that bad.

He's just been chucked. He's gonna get the piss ripped out of him.

You've been an arsehole, Ian. It is that bad.

You told me someone fancied me.

I followed it up.

Hey, if I told you, I don't know, Gaby Patterson fancies you,

you'd be straight round.

She's not a fucking teacher! It's not 'cos you're gay, Ian,

it's 'cos it's weird.

It'd be the same if Debbie went out with him.

No. That'd be worse.

Debbie, I've just been in your room and I couldn't help but noticing your bed.

You think you're getting my room? Just try it.

'Cos your first night will be your last!

I'll slit your throat! You're never sleeping in my room!

Never! 'Cos it's my room! And you can't have it!

I couldn't help noticing that your bed was broken.

So I had thought we could get you a new one out the catalogue.

-I've already ordered you new curtains. -So you don't want my room?

No.

OK, then, I'll have a new bed. Ta.

There is a way out of it.

And it solves all our problems.

Fat bitch shoots you.

I hold me hands up.

A crime of passion.

You screwed me over years back and I've never got over it.

Paddy isn't to blame,

he gets to move on,

without the hindrance of a wife he no longer wants.

[muffled cries]

Not many wives would do that for their husbands.

Always said I was one in a million, didn't I?

Put that down!

Put... that... down!

You trying to get me off the hook, are you?

Shoot him and I'm an accessory. We both go down. What's the plan now?

[muffled cries]

How did this happen?

It's totally fucking obvious I love you.

-l don't want to be just friends. -Neither do I.

You're not seeing me!

Look at me! How could you fancy me?!

So you're carrying a bit of weight.

Fuck, bollocks to that.

I don't care!

I do fancy you.

Fuck this.

Look what he's done to us. He's got to choke.

-No. They'll kill you. I'll do it. -And what will I do without you, huh?

-You're my foundation. -I'm doing it for you.

I'm doing it for you.

[mumbles]

-Don't let this madness ruin everything. -I'm sorry.

Christ, Mi-mo, me too.

Come home.

That the gun from the wardrobe?

-Yeah. -It's hot.

Pull the trigger and we're all going home.

-You're framing me? -Our protection.

We're in shite if we kill you and shite if we don't.

Security guard had his ear whacked off with that. Recent, too.

After you got out.

They'd be made up to find your prints on it.

Should be good for ten with your record. Not that you'd blink.

By the way, what did you want to see me about?

I'm retiring.

Off to Cyprus.

Wanted to sell you one of my patches to go with the ones you've stole.

Think I'll ask somebody else.

All done.

And no-one got hurt.

Home.

I'm sorry.

That were totally fucking...

I'm sorry!

I didn't like being told what to do by you.

I'm a dickhead. Will that do?

Don't go overboard.

-Am I forgiven? -You did tip me off about Gaby Patterson.

How funny!

-What? -You told me she fancied me.

No. I used her as an example.

No way! No...

She let me feel her tits.

-No... -Straight off.

-So did Mr Scott. -Did he?

Think she'll wank me off next week.

Yeah. Mr Scott would definitely wank me off.

You'd better get it out. He's here now.

Quick. Hide!

I thought you liked him.

What? Course not. He's a teacher! And he's hairier than a gibbon.

[Carl] A gibbon!

♪ The first time ♪

♪ Ever I saw your face ♪

♪ I thought the sun ♪

♪ Rose in my eyes ♪

Don't.

Just do me.

Properly.

Lead the way!

[both laugh]

[Frank] I'll tell you what's really fucking heroic.

Waking up in the morning, putting one foot in front of the other,

looking at the wife and kids and not topping yourself.

[Paddy] Oh, my fucking hernia!

I am gonna have another little baba.

[cheering]

When every fucker shouts "surprise", I want a Mimi-shaped hole in the ceiling.

He chucks one every year.

Paddy doesn't know I know. That means it's a surprise.

I know she knows. But she doesn't know that I know she knows.

-Hello, Irana. -Hello, Schtan.

He's bought her. Mail-order bride.

Consider yourself under surveillance.

Don't let me screw up this time.

[music plays]

Yeah! You're the first person I've had back here.

ln fact, I've been a bit short recently. I'm fucking desperate for a shag.

Yeah?

Well, why don't we make something of it, then?

Haven't you got homework to mark?

-School day tomorrow, innit? -[sucking noises]

Long holidays to plan? [groan]

[groans] Go on, get it down!

[whooping]