Original subtitles

Settle down.

Okay, settle down!

Settle down! Settle--!

Quiet, quiet, quiet!

Now, here's the situation.

We have four women in active labor...

...and we have lost all communication

with the outside world!

I want all non-court personnel

out of here!

Are there any questions?

Yes?

Why is the sky blue?

Because if it was green,

we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.

Any others? Then get moving, people!

- Mac.

Yo.

- Get bandages, blankets, cotton and string.

- Right.

- Miss Sullivan.

Sir?

What the hell am I gonna do

with all that stuff that Mac brings?

I got the windows boarded up.

What should I do now?

We might need your help

with the deliveries.

Right. I'll go boil my tools.

Great. That torque wrench

might come in handy.

Your Honor, I found a medical book.

Now, there's a chapter

on emergency child deliveries.

- Great. Make four copies of that.

- I'll get right on it.

- Flo.

- What?

- What's the first thing it says to do?

- Uh, "Keep the mother from panicking."

God, let's hope

they're all that considerate.

Don't worry, baby, I'm right here.

Bull, what is this woman doing

laying on the salad bar?

Uh, the tables were too hard.

I guess I should've taken out

that Jell-O mold, huh?

- Hey, come on, somebody do something.

- Take it easy, Stanley.

Take it easy? She's in severe labor pains.

No, no, no, it's just some radishes

sticking me in the back.

Here's the instructions.

I'm afraid you guys are on your own.

Don't worry, sir.

Remember, we're professional bailiffs.

Yeah, that ought to put

their minds at ease.

Something's happening.

Okay, Flo. Read them off.

- "Remove any restrictive clothing."

- Right.

- I think they mean her.

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, uh-uh.

Nobody's looking at my wife's private parts

except me.

Some things are still sacred.

Well, if it were sacred,

she wouldn't be in this mess now.

- My answer is no.

- Fine. Then you deliver the baby.

Men.

When you want them down, they're up.

When you want them up, they're down.

Push, Mrs. Chacone, push.

Do you have any children, Miss Sullivan?

No.

Ever had a man?

Of course I've had a man.

If I had a nickel for every man I'd had...

...I'd have a dime.

- Here.

Okay.

- Aah! Look!

- What is it, Miss Sullivan?

Good Lord, he's a virgin.

It's the baby.

¿Qué?

- Tell him it's the baby.

- It's the baby.

- Bob.

- And his name is Bob.

What a coincidence.

- Bob.

- Which one?

Tell him, in Spanish,

that his baby is coming.

Yes, sir. Paco:

sí.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

- Who you telling to shush?

I'm sorry, I just--

Try pulling a Cabbage Patch doll

through your nostril...

...and see what kind of sound you make.

That's it. Just let it all out.

Argh! If you don't like it, you can leave.

- I told you before, I don't need anyone.

- Oh, fine.

I'll go get you a mirror and some

salad tongs and you can do this yourself.

I think it's coming.

- Instructions.

- Thank you.

- Tommy, get me some surgical gloves.

- Uh, from where?

My briefcase, top pocket.

Great. Now I can deduct them.

Babs, honey, describe for us

exactly what you're feeling...

...at this crucial moment in your life.

I want you dead, Chad.

Chad, maybe let the girl be, huh?

She's obviously exhausted.

They told us in class that under this stress,

a woman can say outrageous things.

Things totally alien to her character.

I hate my Volvo! I want a Trans Am!

Gee, it still doesn't prepare you

for the shock, though.

- Mrs. Ulin.

- Babs. I'm not Mrs. Anybody.

We chose not to burden ourselves

with any archaic commitments, remember?

Like a baby?

She, uh, mistook a Tic Tac for her pill.

Here comes another one.

Here, here, you can hold on

to my ears. Sure.

I'm sorry, honey.

I swear, it won't happen again.

Stanley has such a delicate system.

Gets out of whack when he's excited.

He even faints

when the Giants score a touchdown.

So does their coach.

Whoa!

Here's baby.

Oh, wow!

He's coming!

Mary, baby Bubba is coming!

You're naming your son Bubba?

We arm-wrestled for it.

My choice was Bing.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Here he comes, here he comes.

Look at the grin on that kid's face.

Bull.

That's not his face.

And that ain't no grin.

It's not?

Hey, he's backing out.

- It's a breach baby?

- A breach baby!

Stay on your feet, Stanley,

or I'll knock you cold.

Flo. Flo, look it up.

Yeah. Okay, here it is.

Breach birth, breach birth.

Uh, "A natural delivery is still quite probable

with a little guidance.

Gently insert...."

Sit, Stanley.

Okay, Elena. One more push.

It's out.

Okay. Uh, now I drain the mouth.

Oh, thank God.

It's a girl.

¿Qué?

Paco.

Baby Bob es él transsexual.

- What's the matter?

- I think we got another bun in the oven.

- ¿Qué?

- Another baby.

¿Qué?

Dos babies.

Oh, no. Bob?

Let's pray this one's normal.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- What's wrong?

How the hell should I know?

I'm just a general practitioner.

- Fielding, get over here.

- Coming, dear.

- Tommy, get behind the plate.

- Me?

- What do I do?

- If something comes out, catch it.

- Dan.

- What?

Dan, I lied to you.

You gonna tell me

this is just an incredible simulation?

I mean about not wanting anybody.

Dan.

Dan, Dan, I'm scared.

- Dan, I just don't wanna be alone.

- No, you're not, you're not, you're not.

Listen. Shh, shh, shh. You're not alone.

I'm here, I'm here.

I'll stay here until the end, all right?

Now just remove your teeth

from my chest...

...and we'll continue.

It's coming. It's coming.

Something's coming, I can see it.

- Could we tighten up the group just a bit?

- Yeah, how's this?

Oh, fine. I got everybody now.

Okay, Babs.

- Chad!

- Sweetheart?

I wanna get married!

Wow, what a reaction shot.

- Babs, you what?

- I wanna get married.

Bit I thought you always hated marriage

as an institution.

I just said that

because you felt that way.

I just said that because

I thought you felt that way.

- Oh, you mean you want to?

- Marry you? Yes.

Oh. Oh.

Judge, could you marry us?

I'm kind of busy right now.

Oh, please, sir, don't let our baby

be born out of wedlock.

- Mac?

- Sir?

Fix my hair a little, huh?

It's a girl.

Wait till she hears about her brother.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, yes.

What is this, a vending machine?

All right.

Now, we need one more big push.

- I can't. I can't. I can't.

- Yes, you can. You can.

Think about Hugh Hefner.

It's coming.

Sitting there in his silk pajamas with

all these big-breasted, exploited women...

...catering to his every whim.

- I can see a shoulder.

- Wait. Who's that coming through the door?

Oh, look, it is. It's Bobby Riggs.

- It's out.

- Yes.

- Clean out its mouth.

- With what?

Oh, for Pete's sake, here.

Oh. Oh, what is it?

It's a baby.

And it's naked.

It's a boy.

He's got a promising future.

How about that? We had a baby.

- "We" had it?

- Hey.

You couldn't have done it alone.

You're right. I couldn't have.

- Let me see him.

- First, I gotta cut the cord.

- Uh, boy scout knife?

- Top-left pocket.

Oh, Mom.

First, I'll cut his, then yours.

- The head's coming now.

- A head?

He's got a head.

It's almost out.

- Somebody give me a blanket.

- We don't have one.

Oh.

- Here. Use this.

- The New York Times?

The book says that a fresh newspaper

is very sanitary.

Well, okay, but use the Sports section.

You already bought him a mitt,

didn't you?

- What's happening?

- Somebody's having a baby.

Eureka!

Bubba.

Better make that Bubbette.

- I beg your pardon?

- It's a girl.

No. No, it can't be.

I got pictures.

I'd clean that lens if I were you.

- Marriage license.

- Oh, the ceremony.

Sir, look, sir, you gotta sign this.

Mac, I am holding a fragile human life

in my hands.

Put the pen in my mouth.

Is this legal?

"Howie Stallone."

Close enough. Pen.

- Ceremony.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Dearly beloved-- I got an arm.

- Whoa. Hurry, please.

Okay. Bottom line.

Babs Townsend, do you take this man

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

- Is that a yes?

- Yes.

Okay. Hey, Chad Ulin, Chad--

- And there's another arm.

- Sir?

- He's coming.

- Sir?

- Okay, do you wanna marry her or what?

- Yes.

Then by the power vested in me

by the state, I pronounce you man and wife.

It's a boy!

Are you that disappointed, Stanley?

This must be your appendix

or something.

- You wanna hold your daughter?

- Me?

No, no. I might break it or something.

- I don't think so.

- No, no. Hey, wait.

- I don't know what I'm doing.

- Yes, you do.

Look at you, just like a pro.

Well, aren't you gonna look at her?

Little wrinkly, isn't it?

I think she'll outgrow that.

- Do you love her, Stanley?

- Well, that's a stupid question.

Of course I love her.

She's Daddy's little girl.

Hey, let's call her Hacksaw.

Oh.

- You know, Mac?

- Yeah.

Someday I may have a son of my own.

- Oh, yeah?

- Oh, yeah.

- You don't say.

- Uh-huh.

- Sir? Sir, are you all right?

- Um....

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Why don't you fix me a nice stiff Bosco,

huh, Mac?

Coming right up, sir.

Nope. That's all she wrote.

- Three beautiful girls.

- ¿Qué?

Gracias.

Oh, good luck, Mr. Chacone.

And God bless

your beautiful little babies.

Rosalita.

Lucinda.

And Gummo.

I suggested that.

It's Granny's nickname.

What'd she say?

"I love you, Paco, with all my heart."

"But touch me again...

...and it's Soprano City."

Thank you, Dan.

With all my heart.

I'll never forget you for this.

- You'll forget me.

- Oh, no, I won't.

Because I'm gonna name my son

after you.

Benay.

Your caring and honesty

will live with me always.

Caring, maybe. Honesty....

What are you trying to say?

I lied too.

Dan is not my real name.

I assumed it when I started school.

You see, my parents were slightly rural.

Pfft, well, my parents were rural.

They kept the pigs in my room.

I was 6 before I realized

they weren't related to me.

I'm sorry.

You see, my folks, well,

they named their children and their pets...

...after characters they would read about

in magazines or books.

Dan.

I want my baby named after you.

The real you.

Everybody got their Kool-Aid

for the toast?

Oh, yeah.

- Where's Benay?

- Hi, everybody.

Hi.

I'd like for all of you to say hello

to my new son, Reinhold.

- Reinhold?

- Uh-huh.

Reinhold?

Uh, were we interrupting something?

No, not at all.

I was just about to toast to your children.

May they live long and prosper.

Cheers.

Ah, and now, if you will excuse me....

Reinhold?

Can we talk?

As you probably know...

...I don't subscribe

to any particular organized religion.

But then maybe neither do you, huh?

All right, I confess.

I've had more than my share

of spiritual doubt.

But then I've seen some pretty glaring

examples of man's inhumanity to man...

...come stomping through here

night after night.

After night.

You remember that guy?

Yeah.

You remember everything, don't you?

Well, I'm telling you...

...that one just about shook--

Shook my faith down to its foundation.

And then...

...you drop a brand-new life

right into my hands.

Well, if I could just have the answer

to a couple of questions.

Like, if you've always been here,

then where did you come from?

And does man have the capacity

to rid himself of his own evil?

And why is the sky blue?

Well, I can look that one up.

But this baby stuff, boy...

...I'm telling you,

that is not a cosmic accident.

I mean, you gave us Mozart.

Van Gogh.

Confucius.

Dr. Martin Luther King.

And Larry Byrd.