Original subtitles

Though U.S. Weather

Bureau officials advise...

...that the hurricane's course

could change...

...they have revised their estimates

down to a 30-percent chance...

...of the storm encountering landfall

anywhere in the New York area.

To repeat, authorities now believe

that New York City...

...will be spared of full force

and effect of Hurricane Mel.

Ah, the truth, Your Honor.

You rooting for humanity or the storm?

Come on, Flo, get serious.

That's a devastating hurricane out there.

It's got 150-mile-an-hour winds.

Bet your Manilow never even had

a stiff gust named after him.

All right.

That's enough.

I have had enough of you

trashing Barry Manilow!

I beg your pardon, Miss Sullivan?

I said, get off Barry's case.

In my opinion, he happens to be

one of the finest musicians...

...of the past few decades.

Mac, you better call a doctor.

This girl is burning up with fever.

I feel perfectly fine.

The man is a great songwriter,

a talented singer and a fine performer.

- Is that so?

- That's so.

- Says who?

- Says me.

Aha! Well, it may very well be,

but you can't deny that he is....

He's what?

He's...

...modern.

Oh, God, let's shoot the poor sot.

Well, Mel Tormé must not have thought

he was too bad...

...if he cut an album with him.

That is a desperately sick lie.

That is the truth.

- Mac, say it ain't so.

- It's so.

Oh, no.

- There, there, sir.

What happened?

Oh, Harry's crushed that Manilow and

Tormé did an album together.

I felt the same way

when Alvin and the Chipmunks broke up.

Why don't you just let that thing go condo

and get it over with?

Hi, everybody.

- Hey, Art.

Hey, Art.

No.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, son.

Sometimes thunder still frightens me

a little bit too.

- Art, go play with your blowtorch.

- Yeah, I plan to, sir.

I gotta secure the signal tower

up on the roof.

We got some wind gusts

up around 80 miles an hour now.

Eighty miles an hour?

Yeah, I'd say that's about right.

Twenty bucks a pair.

Guaranteed not to ride up.

All rise.

Criminal court part two is now in session,

the Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

You may be seated,

women and children first.

I found those lifejackets

down in the basement.

I figured they might come in handy

just in case it starts to flood.

Art, we're on the 18th floor.

And?

You preventative nut, you.

Get out of here.

Go see if you can find a life raft.

Yes, sir.

And you wonder

why animals eat their young.

Yeah, ha, ha.

Uh, sir, I wonder if canceling the session

might be something to consider.

I heard they just, uh, canceled

all the flights out of Kennedy.

Mel shut down the airport?

Guess they have to wait

until the velvet fog lifts, eh, sir?

- The velvet fog.

Ha, ha.

That's very funny, Mac.

That is very funny.

Just a little suck-up humor, sir.

You know, my mother used to tell me...

...that thunder was just the sound God

makes when he gets a strike in bowling.

That's cute.

What happened when you found out?

When I found out what?

Gosh, he's good.

He's got his own ball.

What's first, Mac?

A return visit from some old friends, sir.

- Oh, yeah?

Mm-hm.

Hello, it's us.

Bob and June Wheeler, as I live

and breathe, how the heck are you?

Couldn't be better, sir.

It's always a pleasure

to be hauled up before you.

And as usual,

the accommodations were lovely.

And why you don't charge

for that strip search I'll never know.

Hello, Mr. Fielding.

What a beautiful suit.

The secret is not sleeping in it.

Dan.

Good to see you again, Miss Sullivan.

You're looking as beautiful as ever.

Oh, why, thank you, Mrs. Wheeler.

If it weren't for all the nursing,

I'd have breasts like that too.

Well, now that we've gotten

all the pleasantries out of the way...

...what are you folks doing here?

I thought you went home to West Virginia.

Sir, we're not from West Virginia.

- You're not?

- No, sir.

We perjured ourselves.

And we lied too.

Why did you pick West Virginia?

I don't know.

It was just the first exotic place

that popped into my head.

Well, then, where are you from?

Isn't the accent obvious?

You mean you're from...?

Yugoslavia.

Hey, this is a fascinating story,

really, and I mean that...

...but in the interest of time,

what the hell is the case?

Your Honor, the Wheelers were arrested

for selling food without a license.

We had no idea you needed a license

to sell food, Your Honor.

It's not that way in Sarajevo.

No, I'll bet it's not.

We sold all our earthly possessions

just to start this business, Your Honor.

The pickup truck, all the livestock.

Granny even wanted us

to sell her wheelchair...

...but Bob wouldn't hear of it.

Well, it isn't really a wheelchair.

- It isn't?

- No, sir.

We strapped her Barcalounger

to a furniture dolly.

Stop the world, I wanna get off.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You sold everything that you own

in the world, except the Barcalounger...

...and you went and bought a restaurant.

No, sir. A hot-dog cart.

You sold everything you own

for a hot-dog cart?

Yes.

It was a dream come true.

However, our good fortune

soon took a turn for the worse.

Here it comes.

As the officer was arresting us,

the storm hit--

And a really large wind came,

you had that big umbrella up and it--

Scooped up our weenie wagon,

yes, sir.

Up, up, up it went.

Until it was nothing more than a

teeny-weeny, tiny, little dot in the sky.

And then it was gone.

Well, thank God no one was hurt.

Yeah.

Everything turned out fine with Granny too.

- Oh, the one in the wheelchair?

Mm.

What was she doing?

Oh, about 80, 85.

Oh....

Your Honor,

due to the pathetic circumstances...

...I, uh, ask that this case be dropped

due to lack of evidence.

Prosecution?

Let's just hang them,

put them out of their misery, sir.

Okay then, case dismissed.

Art.

Art, Art, Art.

You talking to me?

Art, what is that thing?

I had to get some lumber

to board up these windows...

...so I took down the basketball net

from the maintenance garage.

Art, we are in the middle

of a session here.

Well, hey, I'm sorry.

It was an emergency.

Jeez, you guys act like I committed a sin.

What emergency?

The hurricane changed direction again.

It's coming straight through Manhattan.

Mel is coming?

He is on his way.

Subways have been knocked out.

We're one of the few buildings

that still has full power.

And the Civil Defense authorities

want everyone to stay where they are.

You mean we're trapped here?

- Yeah.

I have to spend the night

with Art of Nazareth?

And those amazing Dobermans?

Don't worry, Mr. Fielding.

Like my Uncle Tito used to say:

"It's always darkest

just before the dawn."

Burned out his retinas

staring into an eclipse.

Hey, hey, hold it down!

Now, I have been assured by the authorities

that extra food is on the way.

Now, we will get through this, people,

if we just cooperate with each other...

...and show a little kindness

for our fellow human beings, all right?

Now, what was my last bid

for the gummi bears?

Look, Quon Le, look,

don't worry about the restaurant.

You just take care of yourself.

The stove went where?

Mac, what's wrong?

My appliances are leaving.

- Trouble at your restaurant?

- Place is flooded.

Tables and chairs

were washed out the front door.

My brand-new grill is floating up...

- ...Broadway somewhere.

- Hmm.

Hey, cheer up, big guy.

Things could be worse.

I know.

I need help.

Uh, mind if I stick this under your table?

A box of rats?

Yeah. I found them floating

in a hubcap on the roof.

I named the big one Dan.

Bull, we all know

how you feel about animals, but rats?

- They're cute.

- Ugh.

Cute?

They're the most repulsive,

disease-ridden vermin...

...on the face of the planet.

In the 14th century,

they were responsible for the Black Plague.

They killed two-thirds of the population

of Western Europe.

Twenty-five million people

burning up with fever...

...and finally perishing in horrible agony.

Hello.

Please. Please, I beg you.

This is the only memento

we have left of our business.

I'm warning you, keep your hands

off my husband's wiener.

All right, let's settle down, people!

Let's settle down!

- Art?

- Yo!

Could we stop the persecution

for a second?

Hey, sure thing.

We all know that we're

in a middle of a difficult situation...

...but there is really no point

in letting it get the better of us.

The information that I've received tells me

that we're here for a couple of hours.

So rather than squandering that time

and allowing the anxiety to build...

...I've decided we're just gonna go ahead

with the normal proceedings of this court.

Are there any questions?

You, sir.

What weighs more...

...the Chrysler Building

or the ancient pyramid of Cheops?

The Chrysler Building.

Any others?

- All right, Mac, call the first case.

- Yes, sir.

Uh, people v. all occupants

of 692 West 23rd Street.

This does not scare me.

Uh, they're charged

with a Section 17 violation.

That's pornography.

I caught them in the act.

Of what?

Well...

...pornicating.

Hey, watch your language

in front of my wife, you mealy little wimp.

Stanley, don't.

Yeah, Stanley, don't.

He was just kidding, Your Honor.

It's his dry sense of humor he's got.

He's lucky I didn't tear his heart out.

See?

Noel Coward is back and we've got him.

Your Honor, according to this report,

Officer Timmy--

- Tommy.

--was passing by the residence

in question...

...when some moaning and groaning

from an open window caught his attention.

He entered the apartment...

...whereupon he found the defendants

writhing on the floor...

...and watching a pornographic film.

Um, excuse me, excuse me, Your Honor.

I think I can straighten this all out.

I'm Chad Ulin of the Rhode Island Ulins.

Oh, yeah, love your state.

Yes, and this is my significant other,

Babs Townsend.

Uh, just so you know...

...Chad and I feel that motherhood

will in no way interfere with my career...

...and that having a child

will only enhance our experience...

...as live-in lovers and friends.

You both drive Volvos, don't you?

Anyway, Your Honor,

the film that Officer Connors saw...

...was the last in a series of visual aids

on the Lamaze method of natural childbirth.

We were watching the final stages

of rhythmic labor.

Oh, I haven't felt that deeply moved

since I saw the lobster scene in Annie Hall.

Mm.

Babs and, uh, Chad,

if those are indeed your real names...

...what you're telling me, then,

is this is all part of a childbirth class.

But I saw it right there on the screen.

It was bigger than life.

What was it you saw?

I'm telling your mother.

This is asinine.

- And you are?

- Benet Collins.

And before you ask, no,

I don't have a husband.

And I'm quite capable of raising a child

on my own, thank you.

And I don't need a man to feed me,

and I don't need a man to clothe me.

And the part that I did need a man for

was unsatisfying...

...and over and done with

nine months ago.

- Yeah.

- Great.

Let's settle down, people! Settle down.

If we--

- Chad?

- Oh, don't mind me, Your Honor.

I've keeping a visual record

of the entire prenatal experience.

You ready? Action.

You ever take a shower in prison, Chad?

And that's a wrap.

I told you all this natural childbirth stuff

was weird.

Oh, Stanley, it isn't weird.

If being drugged unconscious

was good enough for my mother...

...it would have been

good enough for you.

- Stanley.

- I'm gonna have a boy.

- Is that a fact?

- Yeah, the doctor already told us.

Look, see, the doctor

took one of those ultrasound pictures...

...right through her gut.

Oh, look at that.

Yeah, some protoplasm and a spleen.

See, you can make out his head

and his feet.

- And right there's his little--

- Stanley.

Sorry, sweetie.

Not too shabby, huh?

Well, I think I understand all this.

I didn't mean that literally.

Your Honor,

uh, in view of the testimony--

In view of the testimony...

...the state

recommends we drop all charges.

- And the defense accepts, Your Honor.

- Motion granted.

You're free, Mister....

- Señor....

- Uh, Chacone.

Señor Chacone, you are free like the bird.

Does anybody here speak Spanish?

Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler.

I'm Guatemalan on my mother's side.

Bob here just picked it up

on his sabbatical in Madrid.

Miss Sullivan, would you mind

taking the Chacones over to--?

Ma and Pa Berlitz? Yes, sir.

What's with the maternity mob?

Where you been, anyway?

Down in the basement looking for food.

- Did you find any?

- No.

But I think I solved

the Jimmy Hoffa case.

Your Honor, I'm sorry about the foul up.

I haven't been on the force very long.

- No.

- Yeah, it's true.

In fact, a week from today,

it'll be a week.

If there's any way that this

won't be mentioned to my superiors--

I'll tell you what, officer.

We'll make it our little secret, huh?

And Mom?

Well, of course Mom.

What's next, Mac?

Oh,

I believe a little panic and mayhem.

Told you.

Why don't you, uh, use my chair?

You might be more comfortable.

I'm perfectly fine,

so you can kill the chivalry routine.

My, aren't we

a witsy-bitsy bitchy this evening.

Leave me alone.

I was merely trying to help.

I don't need any help

and I don't need any pity.

And I certainly don't need you.

I'll just be here in the corner...

...beating myself to death

with the Boy Scout manual.

Oh, let me know if you need any help.

Yeah, well, I hope it's a boy

and he grows up to be just like me.

Mac, I'm gonna check my office

for supplies.

I think there's some candles

under the bench near the rubber vomit.

I'll find them.

It's not what you think.

Bull, you cannot turn this building

into an animal refuge.

It's what you think.

Oh, what the hell was that?

Labor pains.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

We got the tension and anxiety of the court,

the trauma of the storm.

- Which woman is it?

- All of them.

All of them?

Uh-huh, Mrs. Chacone started with her

contractions...

...and the other three

went like dominoes.

I think you'd better get in there, sir.

I don't know nothing

about birthing no babies.

Well, frankly, sir, I don't give a damn.

- My problem?

- Uh-huh.

It's not what you think.

Dear Lord, I hope not.

Chad.

Help me!

I'm trying, sweetheart.

The autofocus is stuck.

Oh, no.

Somebody call a doctor!

No can do, sir.

The telephone poles took off for Jersey.

We really gotta deliver these babies

ourselves?

Just asking.