Original subtitles

- Aah.

- Ooh.

Surprise.

- She's not here yet, Bull.

- I know. I was just practicing.

Sir, you think Florence has any idea

we know it's her birthday?

No, I think we fooled her.

We didn't mention it during session.

She didn't know we got out during dinner

to buy the presents.

And you've kept that sock

stuffed in your mouth the whole night.

Oh, my God, not another one.

- Yeah, you guessed it. It's Flo's turn.

- Oh, Flo's birthday. That's great.

Here. Somebody wrap that for me.

A copy of TV Guide?

Why not? It's compact, it's informative...

...and the only way you can't do

the crossword puzzle is if you're in a coma.

Shh, shh. Here she comes.

Oh, man.

- Okay, I get that red hat.

Come on, get over here.

Shh. Be quiet.

Oh, boy, this is gonna be great.

Come in.

No.

No?

Not till everybody in that room

promises not to yell, "Happy birthday!"

Something tells me the word leaked out.

I can't hear you.

Okay, okay, we promise.

Where are the presents?

On the table.

This was fun. Now go home.

Phew. Well, I don't know about you guys,

but I am partied out.

- Excuse me. I'm Bob Marks from the city.

- What can we do for you, Mr. Marks?

Your Honor, if you wouldn't mind passing

these along to Florence for her to sign...

- ...I'd appreciate it.

- What are they?

Her retirement papers.

Florence is retiring?

Of course. She reached

the mandatory retirement age.

Tomorrow's her last day.

Tomorrow's her last day?

Bull, you swallowed that sock.

I see great pain in your future.

I got it. Got it. I got it, yeah. Ha, ha.

I got it. Ha, ha.

I got it. Heh.

Your inflatable

Annette Funicello doll came in?

No, no, no, it's still on back order.

I got a sports car.

Ha, ha. You know, the kind women,

uh, drool over at stoplights.

Twenty thousand miles,

flawless condition.

I got it for nothing.

I didn't even have to put anything down.

- How?

- Old guy in Queens had to sell it.

Losing his sight.

- Oh, poor man.

- That was the beauty.

I told him the paint job was shot.

He fell for it.

Dan, you are the sultan of swill.

Wanna go cruise around town after work?

You'd have to knock me unconscious

and chain me to the front fender.

You would do that for me?

Sir, I'm worried about Florence.

I went by her apartment to cheer her up,

and nobody answered the door.

- She hasn't shown up for work yet.

- I tried Florence's place again...

- ...and all I get is a answering machine.

- What'd it say?

"You've reached Florence Kleiner

I'm still in my bed

Don't leave me a message

Hang up and drop dead"

Well, she can't feel that bad...

...if she didn't even bother

to change her message.

Your Honor, I can't believe

that Florence didn't say anything about this.

I'm still amazed this is her last day.

At least she gussied up for the occasion.

Hey, Flo.

Yo, Flo.

Flo.

What?

Nice weenie.

Florence, why didn't you say anything

about the retirement?

- None of us had any idea.

- Big deal. So I forgot to mention it.

I'm old, remember?

I'm supposed to forget things.

Flo, we're real sorry.

We know how upset you must be

about this.

Eh, don't get the wrong idea.

Here, see? See this?

Florida, one-way.

I'm gonna set up a booth

on Miami Beach...

...and I'm gonna paint clamshells

for the tourists.

- Is this what you really want, Flo?

- Sure. Are you kidding?

For 26 years, I've been taking orders

in one courtroom after the other.

And it's about time I had something to say

about my own life.

In short...

...take this job and shove it.

Uh, I'm, uh-- I'm going to lunch.

Don't wait up.

A booth on the beach painting clams?

Really hurts to see a person

sell themself short like that.

A woman who, her obvious background and

experience, could be laminating lobsters.

Little shellfish humor.

Sir, she's upset.

Can I have a few minutes?

I think I can help her.

- Yeah, go ahead, Bull.

- Thanks.

Give me your keys.

I gotta borrow your car.

Ha, ha. Are you crazy?

I just barely put five miles on that thing.

Beside, it's a little-bitty convertible.

You'd never fit.

- I can take the top off.

- No. It's mine. It's locked.

I can take the doors off.

Sir, it's been over two hours.

- I feel so helpless. What are we gonna do?

- Well, Flo's bound to show up eventually.

Until then, all we can do

is go back to work, I guess.

I asked Mac to call down

for a new bailiff.

Oh, no.

- You don't suppose they'd send us--?

- Hi, everybody.

Hi, Dirk.

Hey, Dirk. How are you doing?

Looks like you put on a little weight.

Thanks. I've been pumping iron.

- Really? What are you up to?

- About three shirts a night.

Well, no pain, no gain, huh?

Oh, I heard there might be a position

opening up here...

...so I thought I'd drop off

a few résumés. Heh.

I just had some new ones

printed up last month.

Wait a minute. How did you know

there was an opening here so fast?

Florence told me.

Cops just brought her in in handcuffs.

Florence was arrested? For what?

I don't know, but it took six guys

to drag her upstairs to strip-search.

And then there were five.

Hi, girls. Hi.

Wanda, stirrups. Nice touch.

- Hi, Florence.

- Harry.

- Hi, Your Honor.

- Hi, Easy Mary. What's shaking?

Oh, most of it nowadays.

Flo?

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, I ran into a little trouble

in a bar uptown.

Oh, you got drunk, huh?

I ordered a ginger ale.

And the guy said, "Sure thing, Grandma."

Any damage estimates?

Not yet.

I never knew those jukeboxes

were so heavy.

I guess I am getting old.

Aw, come on, Flo.

You're as young as you feel, right?

That's it? That's the best you can do?

- "You're as young as you feel"?

- Well--

Look, if Mac and Bull

had some problem...

...you'd take them into your office,

you'd give them the Gettysburg Address.

I get, "You're as young as you feel."

What are you, Sandy Duncan?

I'm sorry, Flo.

I guess I'm kind of at a loss for words.

- It's all been so sudden.

- Well, how do you think I feel?

I'm not that old.

We got a president that makes me look

like Little Orphan Annie.

All I did was have another birthday,

and I feel like I've committed a crime.

Flo, you did commit a crime.

Ahh....

They're-- They're not punishing me

because I trashed some bar.

They're punishing me because I survived.

But I hung on, mister.

I kicked, I struggled, I hung on,

and I made it.

But I deserve better, damn it.

I deserve better.

I'm, uh.... I'm scared, Harry.

I, uh....

I hate Florida.

I don't even know what a clam looks like.

I don't wanna sit down

and wait to die in some swamp.

I don't wanna let you go yet.

You guys are the only family I got left.

I'll think of something, Flo.

I promise you, I will think of something.

You promised her what?

Well-- Well....

I'm sorry. I panicked.

I-- I didn't know what else to say.

How about, "I'll see what I can do,"

or, "Let me get back to you on that"?

Sir, how could you promise her something

that you knew was impossible?

Miss Sullivan, nothing's impossible.

Oh, God, he saw Yentl again.

Look, I'm not saying it's gonna be easy.

I just thought

that if we put all our heads together...

- ...that maybe we could, you know--

- Bend the law a little?

- Good idea.

- Bend the law a little?

It was his idea.

Sir, you're a judge.

Listen, I really care about Florence too,

but rules are rules.

- Well, thank you, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes.

- I am not a goody two-shoes.

Yeah? You got a car parked outside

with happy-face hubcaps.

Is that yours?

Mr. Marks, you're just the man

I wanted to see.

Hope I'm not interrupting.

I just stopped by to drop off

Miss Kleiner's final paycheck.

Uh, yeah.

Mr. Marks, I wondered if I might have

a couple of minutes of your time.

- Of course. Some kind of problem?

- Yeah, I'm afraid there is.

Miss Kleiner doesn't want

her final paycheck.

- What do you mean?

- She wants to keep working.

Mr. Marks, what we have here

is a very frightened and lonely woman.

And right now,

she could really use our help.

I assume you thought

I'd be somewhat less than sympathetic.

No, it's all right.

That's what everyone thinks.

We're just a mob of heartless bureaucrats

glued to our data and our records...

...totally devoid of any feeling

or compassion for our fellow men.

I suppose you think

I enjoy this kind of thing.

I do.

I really do. I live for this kind of thing.

I love it.

Well, that's good. For a moment,

I thought I wasn't getting through to him.

- Uh, hi, everybody.

- Florence, are you all right?

Oh, yeah, fine. Dan got me off.

Well, here it is, Miss Kleiner,

your final paycheck.

On behalf of the city of New York,

what else can I say...

...but hit the road?

Sorry, sorry.

Just a little civil-service humor.

Harry?

Flo...

...I spoke too soon.

I....

The truth is....

The truth is I can't do a thing.

Yes, you can.

Bull, where you been?

Albany.

Albany? You drove my car

back and forth to Albany?

Sort of.

I drove it forth to Albany.

- My car, Bull. Where is my car?

- You know those new Auto Trains?

The kind where they secure

your vehicle in back...

...and allow you, the weary passenger,

to ride in Pullmans...

...to relax in air-conditioned comfort

while the miles drift by effortlessly?

- Sure.

- Yours was hit by one.

I couldn't help it.

It stalled right on the tracks. And then...

...I heard that train a-coming.

Just a-coming around the bend.

I knew it!

As soon as I gave him the keys,

I assumed--

I mean, $6000 down the toilet.

Oh, Dan, Dan, this is horrible.

Truly, truly horrible.

What can I say?

- "Whoopee"?

- That's the word.

Bull, why did you go to Albany?

To save Florence.

I, uh, went to the Bureau of Records

to get this.

- What is it?

- Her birth certificate.

- Is that the original?

- Yeah, this is the original.

Look, it's got Florence's maiden name.

"Nightingale"?

I went through hell in grade school.

That document is irreplaceable.

They wouldn't just let you

walk out with it.

They didn't notice me walk in.

I wore a filing cabinet.

Bull, then you're lucky you're not in jail.

Bull, why did you bring this thing

down here?

So we could change it, sir.

So we could erase it...

...or change the numbers, or do whatever

it takes to make Florence young again.

Change it?

No, Bull, we can't do that.

It would be wrong.

I don't care.

It was hard enough getting over Selma.

And nobody's gonna make me lose

two friends in one year.

Nobody. You got that? Nobody.

What the hell is the matter with you?

You may not have too much in between,

but you got two ears.

Now, just in case you're not listening

to them, you're gonna listen to me.

Nobody's gonna break any laws

around here, you big ape.

Not on my account.

Well, I'd go to jail for you, Flo.

I know you would.

I know you all would.

Uh, listen, you keep an eye

on these guys, will you?

They need a gutsy broad like you.

Even though you are a goody two-shoes.

Florence, I'm gonna miss you so much.

Aw, cheer up.

I'll put happy faces

on some clamshells for you, huh?

Nobody runs this place better, big guy.

Nobody ever will.

Take care of yourself, Flo.

Dan.

Florence.

You're scum.

Uh, I-- I gotta stay alive.

I mean, who's gonna rag you

when you make it to the Supreme Court?

I'll be waiting for you, Flo.

I promise.

Guess who I'm gonna miss

the most of all.

Baby...

...you're the greatest.

Now, you give that paper back to him,

or I'll break you in two.

Can't believe he got his hands

on the original. This is priceless.

This is sacred. This is--

Goodness gracious.

Great balls of fire.

- What happened?

- It vanished.

It-- It burned up.

- Just like....

- Magic.

Now, how come everybody's

looking at me?

Without that document...

...we have no sustainable proof

of how old this woman is.

Well, don't get upset, Mr. Marks.

I'm gonna treat you

like any decent woman my age would.

I'm gonna lie like a cheap rug.

This is the happiest night of my life.

Ha, ha.

Me too.

Now, what about that dumb hat?

Oh, uh, I was in a hurry,

so I flew back from Albany.

- You flew?

- Yeah, I paid a guy with a crop-duster.

Where did he land it?

Land it?

It's a long story.

Ooh!

- Thanks, Bull.

- Knee-highs, your favorite.

What did you do,

tear this off a dead Munchkin?

- Dan?

- What?

- They brought your car back from Albany.

- It's about time. Where is it?

Here.

Just think, Dan, 36 more payments,

and that baby's all yours.

If you'll excuse me.

Gas, wash...

...light on the wax.

Come on, there's a little welcome-home

party for you down in the bailiffs' lounge.

Well, uh, thanks again, Harry.

It takes a lot of magic

to make an old broad feel young again.

Boy, you can sure pull

some amazing rabbits out of your hat, sir.

Mac, I swear I did nothing.

- I am as amazed as the rest of you guys.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah.

- If you say so.

- Hi, Miss Sullivan.

- Hi, Dirk. What's with the accordion?

Oh, I just wanted to play a few verses

of "Happy Trails" for Florence.

Oh, Florence isn't leaving.

- She's not?

- Nope. She's staying right here.

Well, I guess I can throw away

this farewell speech I wrote for her.

Oh, that's okay.

Let Miss Goody-Two-Shoes do it for you.