Original subtitles

Hey, guys, guess what.

Tomorrow is Dan's birthday.

So I was thinking, why don't we give him

a surprise birthday party?

Because we all hate him.

Oh, yeah, right.

On the other hand, if we start treating Dan

like a human being...

...maybe he'll start acting like one.

Really. Really. Mrs. Claus caught him

with one of the lady elves...

...in back of the sleigh.

Preliminary hearing's next week.

Tell all your little friends.

You were saying, sir?

What do you say we all chip in

and get him a serious wound?

- Hey, guys.

Hey, Leon.

- I'm gonna do my homework now, Harry.

- Great. Did you clean up your room?

Yes, sir.

But I think I used too much wax

on the carpet. Ha.

- Anybody need a vacuum?

- You know, I really do admire you, sir.

Taking care of a boy that age

is a big responsibility.

Someday,

I plan to have a family of my own.

Hi, Mac.

My family just came in from Vietnam...

...and they've decided to live with us.

Ask and ye shall receive.

Yeah?

Sir, I just picked up the birthday cake

for Dan's surprise party tonight.

- Great. Let's have a look.

- Okay, sir.

But hold on to your hat.

I had it made

at one of those X-rated bakeries.

- Is that--?

- Strawberry cream, yes, sir.

- You think Dan will like it?

- I think he'll marry it.

Harry.

- Gotta go.

Oh, ha, ha, guess what. Go ahead.

Take the wildest guess you can think of.

Morley Safer

is doing a plate-spinning act in Vegas?

Okay, take the second wildest guess

you can think of.

- Well, I'm afraid it involves Morley again.

- Never mind.

Finally got a date

with that nympho in Xerox.

- Really?

- She's from California.

- Oh, Dan.

- California.

I'm not even gonna have

to buy her dinner.

I'm real happy for you, Dan.

Why don't you bring her

by my apartment tonight, huh?

I'd like to go it alone this time.

Maybe next week, huh?

Dan.

I'm having a surprise birthday party

for you tonight.

Huh?

A surprise party? For me?

Harry, no one has ever done anything

like that for me before in my life.

No one has ever cared that much.

Maybe some other time.

Dan, I went out on a limb for you

on this one.

- What about my date?

- Bring her along.

- Uh, she only eats health food.

- We'll have hay.

Here's your coffee.

Look at them over there,

smiling and laughing...

...and wondering what's in my refrigerator

they missed.

- They didn't bring anything with them?

- A sacred calf.

Oh.

That kind of puts the damper on rib night,

then, doesn't it?

If only they didn't follow me to work.

Oh, come on.

I bet they're just proud of you.

Watch this.

They must go to pieces when you file.

Okay. Ha, ha.

Now, I got us a room at this quaint little

18th-century inn on Long Island.

Wow, totally awesome.

I beg your pardon?

Just don't forget, Danny...

...my sexual biorhythms

hit their apex at midnight.

Midnight.

What happens at, uh, 12:01?

Heh. Remember Cinderella?

Cinderella.

Her two ugly stepsisters.

All right, bring them.

"Remove watch."

"Put watch in magic bag."

"Hit watch with hammer."

"Twice."

"Caution:

Do not hit watch with hammer really.

Read chapter 14,

'Palming the Phony Watch.'"

Aw.

Evening, sir.

I've got the party favors for tonight.

Swell.

Some of them are, uh,

a little bit, um, naughty. Ha, ha.

Really? Let's have a look.

Couple of toads playing leapfrog?

Is that what they're doing?

Afraid so.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

I want them dead.

Mac, what happened?

Quon Le's family declared my lunch hour

as a religious holiday.

- Oh, where are they now?

- Blessing the salad bar.

- I've been there. It couldn't hurt.

- Sir, I gotta talk to somebody.

I'm afraid I may do something drastic.

I mean, Quon Le's family

acts as if my sole role in life...

...is to cater to their every need.

Well, yeah, Mac, in all fairness, they should

be willing to make some kind of sacrifice.

Oh, they did.

Guess who had to clean it up.

Mac, maybe I could help.

I could talk to them at the party tonight.

At the party tonight?

You invited Quon Le's family

to the party tonight?

Yeah.

Didn't wanna be rude.

They'll probably bring the cattle.

Hay it is.

Shh.

He's coming.

Surprise!

Friends. What can I say but thank you?

Gotta go. Bye.

Not on your life.

You are about to witness

The Amazing Harry...

...with his prestidigitation wizardry.

Ha, ha.

Oh, thank you. I'm starved.

- Come on, we'll go swish it in the dip.

- Everybody, take a seat, take a seat.

Tonight, I will be assisted...

...by the very able and lovely

and ever-present Mr. Leoni.

He made me do it.

How about a little magic music,

Mr. Leoni?

That's plenty of the magic music, Mr. Leoni.

I need the magic ball.

I need the magic bucket.

And now, friends, watch.

Watch as the magic ball

makes its mysterious journey.

Look. Look.

It floats, and it flies, and it--

Bores us to tears.

Come on, people, I'm working here.

We'll skip the magic ball for the moment.

- Well, I thought that was cute.

- Look, he's taking out something else.

Oh, God, let it be a TV Guide.

A traditional classic,

always a crowd pleaser...

...the rabbit from the hat.

Look, there's a little hair. Ha-ha-ha.

But seriously, folks.

Sir, would you examine the hat

and see it is absolutely empty?

Is it safe to assume

those aren't Raisinets?

Oh, God.

There will be a short intermission while

Mr. Leoni and I prepare for the grand finale.

- What time is it, Danny?

Uh, 9:37.

- I think it's beginning.

- Oh, no, don't start without me.

- Yes. Yes, I'm on my upward curve.

- I'm not.

Just wait. I'll get you some punch.

- Wait, no. Come with me to the bowl.

- Okay.

Uh, Fritos.

Onion dip.

Oh, no.

"Oh, no," what?

Grandmother Duc says she's very sorry

about your TV set.

She had no idea.

- What about my TV set?

- She said she didn't know what it was.

She thought evil spirits

had invaded our furniture.

- And...?

- She released them.

- With...?

- A sledgehammer.

And here it is, friends, the magic box.

- That is it.

- It sure as shooting is, Mac.

Miss Sullivan, enter la magic box.

I didn't say anything

when they planted crops in my bathtub.

Kind of small in there, isn't it?

I didn't say anything when they constructed

a shrine in my garage.

Just one leg at a time.

But they touched my TV.

Okay. What do I do now?

All you have to do is scream

when I cut through your vital organs.

- Just like that.

- What's the matter?

I feel the tortured souls of my ancestors

crying out in agony.

Okay.

I don't wanna hear any more

of this tortured-ancestral-soul jive talk.

Now watch as I ram the blades

through her body.

Now we're talking fun.

- I want them out!

- You have dishonored my family.

Do you realize what this means?

And though she appears to be whole,

she is indeed half.

My legs.

Oh, Christine,

would you please stop whining?

Hello?

Mrs. Lund.

Oh, heh.

Miss Sullivan, you know Mrs. Lund

from Juvenile Services?

Oh, yeah, hi.

- Hi.

- I want those evil spirits put back in my TV!

So, what brings you

to our neighborhood, huh?

Harry, she's in a sexual trance.

I need ice.

- In the bucket next to the freezer.

- Right.

Well, as you know, our agency requires us

to make these surprise inspections--

Sir, I'm afraid they're gonna

start flinging the weenies around.

- Put them up, huh, Bull?

- Check.

--to ensure that our foster children

are being exposed...

...to a suitable environment.

My family says

they are going to kill themselves.

Have I come at a bad time?

I'm sorry, but did those people

say something about killing themselves?

It did sound like that, didn't it?

- Where is Leon?

Right here.

Did I mention that he has his own room?

I see he has his own nylons

and heels too.

Mrs. Lund, I know how all this must look,

but believe me, I can explain everything.

- I'm here to strip for Dan Fielding.

- In the kitchen.

You see, Mrs. Lund, we--

Yeah?

My family would like to know

if this is a good time to slay themselves.

Sure.

I mean, no. No. No slay self.

Try cheese log.

Sir? Sir? I think my tendons

are beginning to snap.

Huh?

Open magic box.

Right.

- Hey, Harry.

Yeah?

Where do you keep the mustard?

How can you think of your stomach

at a time like this?

Easy. There's no food at my house.

My family is preparing to die.

Those are butter knives.

What are they gonna do,

spread themselves to death?

Uh, uh, uh, you ought to try these

knee-highs. They're so practical.

Happy birthday.

- She's for you.

Heh.

You pop the red ones,

it's 20 bucks extra.

Dan, it's 10:15. Time to start.

- Gotta run.

- Not till after the cake.

- Bull, please.

She's from California.

Oh, yeah?

Would you read my script?

- It's stuck.

What's stuck?

The magic box.

- Oh, uh, can we keep her?

Leon.

Unless Mrs. Lund doesn't mind.

- Mac, you must apologize to them.

- For what?

Wanting to live with my own wife

in my own livestock-free house?

You have offended Grandfather Ho.

You're lucky

I haven't poached Grandfather Ho.

- Now, I have had it. Do you understand?

- Hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute. He wants to speak.

Ho?

What'd he say?

Don't worry, Quon Le,

help is on the way.

I'm so frightened.

His heart stopped beating.

Well, it's ticking again.

Oh, God bless you, Harry.

Actually, Quon Le,

Mac saved your grandfather's life.

Uh, I spilled some punch.

Yeah, who is it?

- Fire department.

- Come in.

There she is. Don't worry, little lady,

we'll have you out in just a minute.

No, no, no,

it's the Asian gentleman in my bedroom.

The Asian gentleman in your bedroom.

Right. Let's go.

- And use the door.

Right.

It's 11:59.

Oh, gosh. I'm awfully warm.

Danny? Oh, Danny, I'm peaking.

Oh, no, no, no, you das-- Don't. I....

Oh, look, the snorkel truck. Uh--

Hey, you, with the hose, bring it up here.

Danny. Danny. Oh, Danny.

Well, I gotta go, Dan. Goodbye.

Wait a minute.

Are you telling me the mood is gone

just like that?

- Totally.

- Ugh.

But don't worry,

I peak again in the spring.

Uh, but....

Wait. We've got hay.

Cake?

It's better than nothing.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

I don't know what the problem was,

but the old man is fine now.

By the way,

that's a nasty punch stain on your carpet.

Yeah. While you're here, would you help me

get this girl out of the box? It's stuck.

Sure. Why not?

Phil, go get the Jaws of Life.

- The Jaws of Life?

- Big tools for big jobs.

Oh.

- What? Did I break it?

- Well, no, no, you opened it.

Get me out!

Mac.

- Punch all over me.

I said I was sorry.

- Oh, Mac, you saved Grandfather's life.

- Hmm.

How could we ever repay you?

Oh, don't worry, Quon Le.

Although a TV would be nice.

I have no feeling below the waist.

Need some help?

- No, thank you.

- Right.

- Can I go now?

- Sure.

Thanks, Mr., uh...?

They call me Bull.

That's what they all say.

As long as you're all right...

...I better stop Phil

from dragging up the Jaws of Life.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Ha, ha,

she went down real easy, didn't she?

- Couch.

- Oh, yeah. Right.

Hi, Ho.

- Translation?

- He says you're a hero.

- Oh, yeah?

Ha, ha.

He says he owes you his life.

And in our country,

when a man saves your life...

...you grant him anything he wishes.

Anything at all?

Grandfather says he knows what you want.

You want them to leave.

It is done.

- You mean they're moving out?

- Heh, yes.

All right. All right.

I can't put them on the streets.

Where will they go?

Uh, presidential suite, Regency Hotel.

Did I mention Grandfather speaks English?

No.

Well, ha, ha, thanks for caring, Mac,

but money is no problem.

I'm stinking rich.

- Well, why did you wanna stay with us?

- Well, ancient tradition.

It would be an insult not to. Hey.

Some tradition. Sex rocks, don't it?

- What about that heart attack?

- Gotta go now. See you later.

Yo, Ho.

You planned this whole thing, didn't you?

Moi?

You sly old devil.

But how did you know it was Mac

who would come to your rescue?

For many years during the war,

Mac took care of my family in Vietnam.

He's a caring, compassionate man.

Now, figuring that out was, uh,

no magic.

Naughty bunny.

So as you can see, Mrs. Lund...

...it really was an incredible string

of coincidences.

Yeah. Well, Judge Stone, ha, ha,

I can't quite believe it...

...but you do seem to successfully

have explained everything.

And it's all true, every word of it.

Mrs. Lund, I want you to know that,

for Leon's sake...

...I have taken great pains

to make sure that this home...

...is of the strictest moral character.

Cake?