Original subtitles

All rise.

Criminal court part two

is now in session.

The Honorable Hoagy Charmichael

presiding.

Sir, I bombed.

That's why God gave us the laugh track.

People, be seated. Remember,

if you can find a lower fine anywhere...

...you come here

and crazy Harry will beat it.

Suck-ups.

- What's first, Mac?

- Paul Hodo, Your Honor.

Assault with a deadly weapon.

Your Honor, my client

is employed by a local firm...

...that specializes

in novelty entertainment.

How novel?

For a hundred-dollar fee,

one of their field representatives...

...will throw a pie

at the person of the client's choice.

Here's my card.

"In Your Face, Limited."

Mr. Hodo walked up

to Mr. Anthony Milch...

...at a cocktail party

for his 25th wedding anniversary, said:

"This is from Mrs. Milch."

And hit him in the face

with a banana cream pie.

That's a deadly weapon?

I could have sworn it had thawed.

Aha.

Mr. Milch suffered numerous lacerations

and a broken nose.

Divorce proceedings are pending.

Gee. Can't a guy take a joke?

Two-hundred-dollar fine and time served.

Flo?

You'll do better if you charge less.

A hundred bucks is pretty steep.

Florence?

Are you free for dinner?

I got some half-off coupons

for Hot Tub Heaven.

I'm just kidding.

Hope you didn't get your hopes up.

You take Visa?

- Hey, Mac, you hear something?

- Yeah.

Hey.

It's the shoeshine boy.

Leon.

This boy is out.

Hello.

Hello.

The worst ventriloquist act

I've ever seen.

Oh, the poor baby.

Can we get you anything?

Cup of coffee would be great.

Would you like a cigarette

to go with that?

Any particular reason

why you're sleeping under my bench?

Any particular reason

you were sitting over my bed?

- Mac, go cut me a switch.

- Right.

Okay.

I got in a fight with my parents.

Finally found out they were coyotes, huh?

Real funny, sludge face.

Here's your magazine back.

I swiped it from out of your briefcase.

"The Bimbos of Brazil."

If you tore out any

of the underwater shots....

Why don't you take our new camper

into my office for a few minutes?

Oh, yeah, sure thing. Come on, Leon.

Let's go see if we can find a game

to keep us busy.

Five-card draw, jacks or better to open.

Jacks? I love that game.

Gotta warn you, though,

I'm pretty tough when I get past twosies.

Will you look at that, Bull,

that is some shot, huh?

Yeah.

Palm trees are beautiful, aren't they?

Bull, that's 30 naked women

playing volleyball.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Is that a regulation net?

Okay, Leon, show me what you got.

Full boat. Deuces over kings.

Oh, darn. You win, don't you?

Yes. Take off the dress.

Oh. I thought we were playing for chips.

I already know what chips look like.

Hi, guys. Oh, be careful.

Bet the kid's a shark.

You could lose your shirt.

Now you tell me.

So you had it out with the folks,

did you, Leon?

Yeah. This time, it was a doozy.

It could take a while before I go home.

How come my dad never treats me

like Mr. Cleaver did the Beaver?

Yeah, that show scarred a lot of us.

Listen, Leon, we all get into fights...

...but it's not fair

to worry your parents that way.

They're probably by the phone now...

...hoping somebody's gonna call,

tell them that their kid's okay.

Give me their number and I'll ring them.

- No can do.

- Thought so.

That's why I asked Mac

to track them down.

- You did?

- Mm-hm.

Yes, Leon, you've met your match.

This man has the brain of a 12-year-old.

I mean that you think

like a 12-year-old, sir.

I mean, you have the ability to think--

I'll be at my desk.

Now, this is a deposition, Leon.

That's when the witnesses

give their testimony.

You smell wonderful.

I had peanut butter for lunch.

What's next?

Some drunk. They're trying to pump him

with some coffee.

Should have showed him some snapshots

of your family. That ought to sober him up.

- That's pretty funny.

- Yeah.

By the way, what's your favorite flavor?

Chocolate.

God, I was hoping you'd say that.

Excuse me. One side, please.

- Hey, Art.

- Yo.

- You mind stepping over here for a second?

- You bet.

I wonder what he wants.

Art, Art, Art. Dear, dear Art,

please don't think I'm trying to pry...

...but what the hell are you doing?

I've got a work order here

to fumigate the entire building.

We got a problem with termites.

How big a problem?

I'll--

I'll have to get back to you, Mac.

I understand.

I think I'd better mosey on up to 19.

Oh, my God, where's Leon?

I saw him outside in the hall.

He was running into the elevator.

Oh, no.

What are we gonna tell his parents now?

I wouldn't worry about that.

He doesn't have any.

What?

The guy who just dropped in

is from Juvenile Services.

He said the kid's an orphan. He's been

living on the streets for two months now.

You're new here, aren't you?

Yeah. Yeah, all right. Thank you.

No one has seen the kid leave the building.

- Yeah.

- Your Honor...

...this is Mrs. Lund of Juvenile Services.

They've got an office up on 19.

That was her assistant that

came crashing through our ceiling.

You work in this building?

Funny, I've never seen you.

Well, to be honest,

I was warned to stay away from this floor.

Mind you, I have nothing to base that on.

I'm going to go check

the elevator shafts for the kid, sir!

Bull, why are you wearing that thing?

Well, the insecticide

is still pretty heavy in there.

Studies indicate that prolonged exposure

to those kinds of chemicals...

...can cause permanent damage

to active brain cells.

Right.

Perhaps I'd better be going myself.

Before you go, Mrs. Lund...

...perhaps you could fill us in a little

on Leon's background.

Oh, yes. Well, according to our records...

...he's been living in foster homes

since he was 3.

Twelve homes, to be exact.

He started running away when he was 6.

Well, a foster home is temporary, right?

Oh, yes. You see,

the problem is that with the older children...

...it's much more difficult to find them

a permanent adoptive home.

With Leon's record....

Well, we're doing our best.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure you are.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Thank God no one was hurt.

Art, wait, hey.

We're busy here.

You wanna pick this up later?

We're on red alert.

Really?

I only wish

we could have saved your desk.

Oh, my dear Lord.

I'll be out of here in a second, folks.

Then I gotta go to the roof,

take down an antenna.

Take down an antenna?

Yeah, somebody rigged up an antenna

right next to the flagpole.

I guess they don't wanna miss

their favorite TV shows.

- Like Leave It to Beaver?

- I'm right with you.

Come on, Art. Let's follow that wire.

Yeah, look, here it goes.

Right along the wall.

Makes a turn here.

Then it goes right around that.

- Look out!

What?

Ugh! I missed it.

- Termites?

- Alligator.

Hey, Art, do you hear something?

Sounds like...

...noise.

It's an audio daily double.

Bet the farm, meathead.

Hey, Leon.

What are you doing here?

How did you find me?

We followed your antenna wire

down from the roof.

Nice place.

Furnace, generator.

Soot.

It's like a janitor's heaven.

Art, we can find our way out.

Right, sir.

What's his problem?

I was about to ask you the same thing.

Me?

I got no problem.

I got everything a man could ask for.

My own TV, video cassette recorder,

Mr. Coffee.

- Leon--

- If you think any of this stuff is stolen...

...I've got receipts.

Oh, yeah. Well, I've got your case file

from juvenile hall.

I guess we're even, huh?

You gonna ask me to sit down?

Why not?

Make yourself at home.

For some of us,

that's easier said than done, huh?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that you apparently have made

a hobby out of changing addresses.

I talked to that lady who handles your case

for Juvenile.

She says you run away a lot,

so I'm wondering why.

Hey.

Do you see me coming into your home

asking you personal questions?

This ain't a home, Leon.

A home has windows and doors.

There's people that care about you.

Or at least they try to.

And I don't think that

you are giving those people a chance.

You really think any of those foster people

cared about me?

Yeah.

In fact, I would guess that they all did.

Then why didn't they keep me?

Why didn't they sign the paper

that made me their son?

Why did I keep coming home

from school...

...and find my suitcase packed

by their front doors?

Leon, you know that

a foster home is temporary.

It's a place that you go until the folks come

who are gonna adopt you permanently.

Yeah.

Well, it's been 12 years.

How come nobody has come

to claim this little bundle of joy yet?

Because....

I don't know.

Yeah, well, I do.

Hey, don't you get it, Stone?

This is the end of the line.

Nobody is gonna adopt me.

They want babies,

or haven't you heard?

They want diapers to change.

They want cribs with cute little blankets.

They want snapshots of your first steps.

I'm 12 years old.

That's middle age in the adoption game.

And don't bother telling me I'm not,

because it's just talk.

I've heard it from that lady upstairs...

...and I've heard it from half a dozen people

just like her.

And I sure as heck

don't wanna hear it from you.

Now the Beaver has gotta move too.

Of course, all I ever heard about this floor

were only rumors.

Still no sign of him!

Thanks for the update.

Okay, call off the bloodhounds.

Leon.

Lady, if you're from the state,

I'm ready to roll.

You and me both, Leon.

Oh, look. The monogrammed

rubber sheets are on sale.

Let's go.

Wait a minute.

What's gonna happen to him?

Where is he gonna go?

Because of his record,

Leon has been reclassified as incorrigible.

- And?

- And instead of another foster home...

...he'll go to a group shelter

until we can find him adoptive parents.

Meaning I'm there till I'm dead.

Now, that's not necessarily true, Leon.

Oh, yeah, right.

There's an off chance

that Peter Pan will fly in...

...and carry me off to Never Neverland.

Or I will.

Say what?

Could I keep him?

You mean in a jar, of course.

In my home.

Could I be his foster parent?

You want me to move in with you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Why?

Because of an old saying

that Leon reminded me of.

Put up or shut up.

It's a very generous offer, Judge Stone.

But you realize

it may be quite some time...

...before we find a

permanent adoptive home for Leon.

Hey, thanks for bringing that up.

Mrs. Lund...

...I want Leon for as long as it takes.

I will enjoy him while he's there.

And I will miss him when he's gone.

What do you say, huh?

I mean, we've always gotten along,

right?

And I've always wanted a son.

Most of all, of course, I've always wanted

a video cassette recorder.

Oh, that is so beautiful.

Just out of the blue reaching out

to touch someone's life like that.

Harry must feel very fulfilled.

I'm sure he does.

That's probably why

he doesn't mind the snot.

I think I ruined your shirt.

It's okay. Just don't make me look.

Mrs. Lund.

This certainly is an unusual request.

But then again,

you are a municipal court judge.

Presumably a stable,

responsible member of the community.

Your sneakers match.

You're lucky she caught you

on a good night.

I'm gonna go and talk to my supervisor.

I'm positive that

we can arrange something.

All right.

Congratulations.

Well, I'll be.

Congratulations, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

Congratulations for what?

Harry is gonna be a father.

Hey, how about that.

Anybody you know?

Well, he's taking in Leon, Flo.

Yeah, we all drew straws. Harry lost.

Soon.

Very soon.

- Congratulations, sir.

Thank you, guys.

Good luck, sir.

Sir, I....

I....

When she gets emotional,

she only knows one vowel.

Thanks, Harry. Thanks a lot.

You're welcome.

But now, we gotta have a deal, Leon.

There's no more tricks.

There's no running away.

Deal.

We're out of here.

Harry...

...I know this is gonna sound stupid

and all...

...but tonight,

could you read me a bedtime story?

That doesn't sound stupid at all, Leon.

I would love to.

Great.

I'm up to chapter six.

"Cocktail Waitresses From Hell."

All right, let's make that a $50 fine

and time served.

That's a wrap, people.

Sorry, Mac.

It's like being in a Moroccan restaurant.

- Dan Fielding?

- Yes, and you are?

Nancy Hines from Records.

I have some data for you.

Toss it in there, please.

Sorry, I was asked to toss it up here.

It's from a friend.

It was one of you, wasn't it?

And it was worth every penny.

Flo, that is very nice,

but you don't have to cover for me.

I called them, Dan.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You don't have to cover for me.

I was the one that called them.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

It was me.

You want the truth?

It was all of you.

It was?

I knew you couldn't resist it.

I knew you would want me.

I made a deal with the guy out in the hall.

I said if he took the money, just for one hit,

and gave me the rest...

...I wouldn't sue him.

You knew we all called?

Yes, I knew.

You hate me.

You all hate me. Everybody hates me.

For the first time in my life,

I'm taking advantage of being me.

You allowed yourself to be humiliated

for a few hundred dollars?

Are you crazy?

He'd French kiss a buffalo

for a few hundred dollars.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

there's a suede jacket...

...at Brooks Brothers

with my name all over it.

I'll come by tomorrow

and rub the sleeves in your faces.

Well, folks, that is a $400 pie,

might as well eat it while it's still fresh.

Hey, the pie came.

Listen, sir.

I thought it over and I feel badly about it.

I really do.

Well, that's okay, Bull.

Dan ended up getting the best

of all of us.

Dan?

I didn't order it for Dan.

- Judge Stone?

- Yo.

From a friend.

I'm in deep doggy doo, aren't I?