Original subtitles

Yo.

Uh, these are the indecent-exposure files.

Where do you want them?

Sex offenses on the sofa.

I can't believe that

they make you go through every case.

It's the year-end report.

I don't mind really.

Gives me a chance

to review my performance...

...reflect on old memories.

Remember that carnival geek

married his dog?

Yeah. It's over.

I ran into her the other day.

- What happened?

- I ran into her the other day.

I feel funny though. Working here while

the gang's out there with another judge.

You're not missing anything good.

I saw the docket.

It looks like a fairly routine night.

Sir, I'm gonna take Mac down to jail now.

- What?

- I got busted for contempt of court.

When you go through the strip search,

ask for Gentle Ben.

What happened?

Mac just walked over

with the docket, sir.

Next thing I know,

Judge Hirsch told me to take him.

- For what reason?

- He said my sweater...

...was a mockery of justice.

Well, it's not that bad.

Oh, come on, Mac.

Obviously, the man is joking with you.

No, no, sir. This is serious.

Judge Hirsch is crazy.

Mac, don't go jumping

to drastic conclusions.

You know we each have

our own unique style.

Judge Hirsch just ordered a defendant

to clean the Holland Tunnel.

- So?

- With his tongue.

I think I will have a little peek.

Come on. I can get you down to holding

before they serve dinner.

What are we having?

There was talk of Spam balls.

Sir?

Quiet. I'm almost finished.

Well, ha-ha-ha, what do you think?

That's superb. Ha, ha.

Phil...

...what's going on?

That is not a well man.

He just put out a bench warrant

for the Rockettes.

What charge?

Espionage.

He's convinced the Soviets have implanted

tiny transmitters in their legs.

He says, "This explains the high incidence

of varicose veins after they retire."

Personally,

I like a little texture to my women.

- Uh, excuse me, sir, about my client....

- Oh, right. Hang him.

He stole an Eskimo Pie, sir.

Nap time.

Hey, guys.

- Are you okay?

Oh, yes, sir. Fine.

Considering we're being presided over

by Bucky the Wonder Lump.

Radio City Music Hall called.

The cops just broke up

a Rockettes performance.

We nabbed the whole bunch at once.

You seem happy.

They rejected me in '43.

You tell me,

what's wrong with these gams?

Their loss is clearly our gain.

Sir, this courtroom

is totally out of control.

Yeah, it's funny.

- I never saw the judge act this way before.

- You know this man?

He worked in the Brooklyn courts

when I started there.

Everybody always loved him.

He was fair, he was bright,

he was honest.

And now he's putting hookers' wigs

on Bull.

I'm sorry, son,

but the glare was killing me.

I understand.

Help me.

Sir, you've got to do something.

It's his court, Miss Sullivan.

All I can do is document strange behavior,

make a list...

...and send it

to the judicial review board.

If I were you, I'd send a copy along

to the Coast Guard while you were at it.

Would counsel approach the bench,

please?

You know why the criminal justice system

isn't working, Mr. Fielding?

Yes, sir.

I mean, not really.

No music in the courtroom.

That's what makes

the whole damn process so dreary.

Imagine how much brighter

this place would be...

...if we piped in Mozart sonatas

or even a few show tunes.

That is a wonderful idea, sir.

You are a sneaky little pile of tweed,

aren't you, boy?

Yes, sir.

Take him away.

I knew it. Ha-ha-ha. As soon

as I saw that little smile cracking...

...I could tell the instant

he started talking to me, I just--

You had a visit from your hairy godmother,

didn't you?

- Hi.

Hi.

- I'm Harry.

- Who the hell cares?

I'm Judge Harry T. Stone.

No. You?

- A judge?

- Uh-huh.

- Your Honor--

- Oh, let's skip the formalities.

It's Bob and Harry,

just like the good old days.

Bob, we don't have any good old days.

We just met.

Oh, what's this Bob garbage then?

I would like to speak to you in private.

In your chambers.

Oh, there's no need.

I have no secrets from these people.

I really do think this would be better

in private.

Nonsense, Harry.

There is nothing that you could say to me

that you can't say before my friends.

What's on your mind?

Sir...

...you're a very sick man.

Company.

Welcome to the Rock, boss.

Not you too, sir.

Afraid so. No, no. Never mind.

Here you go.

Thank you, Nani Darnell.

You guys okay?

Oh, yes.

Actually, it's very nice down here.

I understand we've made it just in time

for the annual winter mucus fest.

Let me guess.

English Leather.

I'm Dan Fielding.

I just killed my family.

Really?

Small world.

They don't know this

but I really did pull off the job.

I hid the money. Ha, ha.

And they got no witnesses...

...because the guy who saw me without

my mask on is half-blind. Ha-ha-ha.

I hid the getaway car

in a swamp in Jersey. Ha-ha-ha.

I'm gonna get away with it. Ha-ha-ha.

Two days, I'm gonna be swimming

in cold, hard cash.

So, what's your story?

I'm a judge.

Dan, you look ill.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

It's over here.

I'd rather...

...explode.

- Hi, guys.

Hi.

Miss Sullivan, what's going on?

Oh, sir, it's chaos.

I put in an emergency call

to my legal-aid supervisor.

I managed to juggle the docket

so there's only first-time misdemeanors...

...and there's a man in back

wearing the same dress as I am.

What--?

What did you pay for yours?

- Any news, Bull?

- Yes.

He just appointed Flo

legal-aid attorney.

He did what?

Bull, let me out of here.

Uh.... Listen...

...about that cologne business, I don't

want you to get the wrong impression.

I mean, so many people think

that just because a man wears a dress...

...he's a homosexual.

No.

Okay, guys, let's go, huh?

Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

If Flo is defending, who's prosecuting?

Your Honor, the people feel

the defense's arguments...

...are constructed

on a flimsy legal foundation.

Surely my esteemed colleague

knows the difference...

...between entrapment

and legitimate enforcement of the law.

If not, then I would be so bold

as to question her abilities...

...to practice in a hall of justice.

Defense?

You're gonna listen to a man

with a dead pigeon in his pocket?

Unbelievable.

Phil's prosecuting?

I've been replaced by a man

who lives in a refrigerator.

Hey, any of you people like

The Three Stooges?

And my favorite one is when Moe is playing

a judge and he says:

"Order, order, order in the courtroom."

And Curly gets up and says:

"I'll have a ham and cheese on rye."

Ha, ha.

Judge Hirsch.

Hi there. Wait a minute,

I thought I cited you for contempt.

And how did they get out of jail?

Sir, I cannot tell a lie.

They escaped.

Escaped?

That...

...is not a bad idea.

The whole prison system's overcrowded

anyway.

Guard, go down

and release all the prisoners.

Hold it!

Sir, I'm sorry. You can't do that.

Some of those people are guilty

and have to be dealt with.

You're right, Miss Sullivan.

Tell them they can go but only

if they promise, on their word of honor...

...that they'll go across the street

and clean up that park.

Your Honor,

please step down from the bench.

Bet you my gavel is bigger than yours.

You're in trouble here.

I'd really like to help you.

Me? Need help? That's a lie!

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

It's the truth.

The truth?

This is a court of law, Judge Stone,

this is not a place for truth.

This is a place for lies.

Everybody who comes here lies.

The plaintiffs lie, the defendants lie,

the lawyers lie, the cops lie.

Everybody lies.

And you expect me

to sift through all this...

...and extract the truth

from all that rubble.

That's what we call justice.

Well, there is no justice.

There never was, there never will be.

Order! Order! Order!

Order in the court!

Oh, come on, people.

You're supposed to say,

"Ham and cheese.

Ham and cheese."

I guess comedy's subjective, huh?

Your Honor.

Oh, Judge Stone. Come in, come in.

I wanna show you something.

Watch this.

Hoo. Hoo.

- Looks like a big owl, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

I did that one my first night

on the bench.

I think Oliver Wendell Holmes invented it.

Oh, where's my hospitality?

Come, sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

Ahem.

Uh, aspirin?

No.

You know, most people can't take this

without water.

Your Honor, how long has all this

been going on?

How long has what been going on?

The wigs and the horns and the subscription

to WrestleMania magazine.

You know, Judge Hirsch, I am considered

a bit of a maverick around here myself.

Yeah, word in the halls is you're a flake.

I have my moments.

The point is that I use the gags

and the tricks as a release.

It's to ease the tension, that's all.

It's when it gets taken to an extreme,

when it begins to obstruct justice...

...then it threatens to dismantle

our entire judicial system.

What's your point?

If you don't step down,

I am personally going to file a petition...

...requesting that you be removed

from the bench.

So it comes down to a gunfight, eh?

If need be.

Who draws first?

That usually determines

who wins in these things, right?

Can I, uh, be of some help?

Where the hell is the Corsetti file?

I lined my shoes with it.

You did what?

I didn't think you'd need it anymore.

We finished with the case hours ago.

Finished? How?

Well, the cop's testimony was shaky...

...so I plea-bargained down

to burglary, third degree.

Comes up before grand jury Wednesday.

Oh, God. Wednesdays, I give my blood.

Don't worry. I'll follow through for you.

What a pal.

Don't touch me. I'm not your pal!

You are a disgusting, filthy,

slimy shell of a human being...

...and you ought to crawl back

into the sewer from which you slithered.

I got a 97 percent conviction rate.

I hear you're batting about 500.

Wait. What's the matter?

Where are you going?

We haven't finished.

You are finished, Judge Hirsch.

I'm gonna go call for an ambulance.

An ambulance? Are you sick?

I'll be right back.

- You wanna hear a funny story, Harry?

- Your Honor--

There was this girl, 17, beautiful girl,

dark complexion, dark hair...

...and a welt under her eye

where her husband had hit her.

She was pregnant for the third time,

I think.

And the DA said they lived in

a rat-infested place on the Lower East Side.

She said she wanted her husband

to stop hitting her.

As soon as I indicated

that I'd send him to jail...

...zip, she changed her testimony,

said she was lying.

She didn't want her husband

to go to jail.

He brought home money

so the family can eat.

All she wanted was for him

to stop hitting her!

Well, Harry, I can't make him stop!

In 25 years,

I've never made anybody stop!

I'm sorry.

God's in his heaven...

...but all's not quite right in the world.

I know how you feel.

How long have you been on the bench?

Three years.

Ha-ha-ha. Three years.

I've had bouts of irregularity

longer than that.

My God, what have I done?

How much do you remember?

Uh, coloring a little piggy...

...and a monster with a blond wig.

Am I sick, Harry?

Maybe a little.

But mostly...

...I'd say you're real, real tired.

Oh, tired.

Oh, I could sleep for a million years.

Ha, ha.

Yeah.

If the bed they strap me down to

is comfortable, I probably will.

See, I tried to do it all right.

I tried to right all the wrongs...

...reverse all of the injustices.

I guess I was wrong.

It's impossible.

Even a fool knows that we can't reach out

and touch the stars...

...but that does not stop

the wise man from trying.

I like that.

Who said that?

You did.

It was in a speech to the bar association.

Here.

You can never have...

...too many.

I'll wear it with honor, sir.

You do that.

I gotta go.

Somewhere there's an inkblot

with my name on it.

Will you let me call someone

to drive you?

Oh, there's no need.

There's probably a whole army

of paramedics waiting for me out front.

Well...

...you take care of yourself out there,

young man.

I will, sir.

Damn it.

Sometimes I did keep...

...inside the lines.

- Sir?

Yo, Mac.

The Radio City Rockettes are here.

Send them home, Mac.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I didn't know whether to bring them in

one at a time or all in a row kicking.

I'm sure you would have made

the right decision.

Uh-huh.

Now from our Believe It Or Not files....

Police in Manhattan reported

this evening...

...they were summoned

to break up a riot in a nearby park...

...only it turned out not to be a riot

but a group of accused prostitutes...

...muggers and thieves walking around

cleaning the park.

A police spokesman said...

...the group had been released

from a Manhattan jail...

...and that they were just fulfilling

a court order.

How's that for a sanitation crew, folks?

And now, back to some easy listening.

Listen, uh, Fielding,

about that conviction-ratio business....

No hard feelings, okay?

Go to the window. Open it as wide

as you can. Plunge to your death.

Well...

...if you insist on acting unprofessional....

Oh, uh, and you're eating my lunch.

- Say what?

- You're eating my lunch.

I left it in your briefcase.

Don't worry.

Only the beaks are dangerous.