Original subtitles

- Hey, Mac.

- Yeah?

Bull's been late four days straight.

What's going on?

Bull's got himself a girlfriend.

Oh, really?

Animal, vegetable or mineral?

Uh, no, thanks.

I had a shrub for breakfast.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.

- Bull, how about calling the court to order?

- With pleasure, sir.

All rise.

Criminal court part two

is now in session...

...the honorable, adorable...

...kind, compassionate

Harold T. Stone presiding.

You may all be nauseated.

- What's this?

- I wrote you a poem, sir.

A poem?

Da, da, da, da, da, da.

Oh, come on. Read it to us, sir.

I did.

Da, da, da, da, da, da.

At least it rhymes.

How about that first case, Mac?

Maybe we should wait

until the aircraft makes its final approach.

Yoo-hoo.

Renee!

My God, I think he's gonna kiss her.

I was wrong. He's gonna swallow her.

- How's my little porkchop?

- Delicious.

- I've never seen Bull so happy.

- I've never seen Bull so alive.

I've never seen Bull with a hooker.

Of course, I don't get out much.

Porkchop is a hooker?

- Are you sure?

- Positive.

She put in so much time in holding

at the Brooklyn Courthouse...

...that we put her

in the staff Christmas picture.

No, it can't be.

Well, somebody give me $50

and we won't have to speculate.

Dan.

I am just kidding.

Twenty-five would probably do it.

- I could call Brooklyn and get her file.

- No, that would feel like we're spying.

Here's the signed blank checks

you asked for, sugar bun.

Oh.

- Put a rush on it, huh?

Yeah.

That's lunch, everybody.

Sir, uh,

could Florence take this prisoner?

I need to run down to the bank

and cash in my IRA.

I got my eye on a little snowblower

I think Renee's gonna flip over.

Bull, your IRA's for your retirement.

Oh, I'll probably be killed in a prison break

long before that.

Imagine the neck muscles you need

to hold up that much granite.

- Sir?

- Sure, Bull, go ahead.

There he spends.

You let him go?

You're just gonna sit there

while he cashes in his life savings?

Come on, Miss Sullivan,

we're not sure she's--

Still working horizontally?

Afraid so. She got busted last week.

Here's her file.

Okay, okay, we have proof.

Somebody has got to do something.

How do you tell 7 feet

of unbridled emotion...

...that the apple of his eye

takes American Express?

Well, it has to come from a friend.

Uh-uh.

No, I was the one who told him

about the tooth fairy.

Like to rip my lips off.

- Are your eyes closed?

- Yeah.

- Ta-da.

- Oh.

Bull, what can I say?

Did you remember

the optional maintenance guarantee?

- You know I did.

- Oh, ha, ha.

Surprise.

Sheila.

- Glad to see me?

- Yes, of course. Ha, ha.

- But, uh, last time, I remember--

- Shh.

Don't talk.

Just listen.

Our last date was the most intense...

...erotic experience of my life.

And I said we could never top it.

But I've been doing more research.

And I think it just might be possible...

...if you don't mind taking a few risks.

Good.

I'll pick you up after court.

Hey, you okay?

- Think I'm starting to hyperventilate.

- Here, breathe into this.

Uh, hey, and don't worry about the socks

in there.

- Oh, great.

- Problem?

- I asked for whitewalls.

- Oh.

I thought maybe you wanted one

that folded out into a bed.

Who in the hell are you?

And where can I get that shade of dye?

Look, Bull is a friend of mine...

...and I happen to care about him

very much.

Oh, that's very nice.

But I didn't see your name on him

anywhere.

And I'm very thorough.

My name happens to be Christine Sullivan,

legal aid.

Renee Carroll, hospitality engineer.

Listen, I know who you are

and I know what you are.

So don't think

you can go hustling one of my friends.

Meow.

I'm gonna go get a cup coffee.

Can I get you a saucer of milk?

Listen, I'm warning you...

...I will tell him everything if I have to.

Go ahead, tell him what I am.

Tell him that I'm after his money.

You say you're a friend of his,

then you know.

It'll kill him.

Harry, she said that we had...

...the most erotic sexual experience

of her life.

Isn't this the date

where you got accidentally drugged?

I don't remember a thing.

Now she expects the miracle worker.

Well, Dan, just be yourself.

That's not funny, Harry.

He gave the slut a motorcycle.

What slut, and how many cc's?

She admitted it, Your Honor.

She as much as dared me to tell Bull

she was a prostitute and after his money.

- And?

- Well, I looked him right in the eye...

...and chickened out.

Oh, hi, sir. Christine.

Uh, I was just wondering...

...if we had time enough left for me

to run down to the tire store.

Bull, would you mind

if we had a little chat first?

No, sir.

I could listen

to your feckless meandering all night.

- Bull, it's about Renee.

- Yeah?

Read this.

Why don't you just tell me?

Bull, Renee is a....

She's an....

For God's sakes.

Bull, the woman is a hooker.

We're gonna need a gross of pencils...

...three dozen typewriter ribbons--

Six pints of whole blood....

Here's your coffee, sir.

Bull's still at it, huh?

That was a major appliance, wasn't it?

A.44-caliber.

It won't stop him,

but it should slow him down.

You needed new duct work anyway, sir.

Oh, uh, I just got off the phone

with the hospital.

They released Dan 20 minutes ago.

- The big guy really nailed him, huh?

- Well, Bull didn't really hit him.

Dan flinched, fell backwards,

bounced off the wall, tripped over the rug...

...and dented Harry's refrigerator

with his back.

So that's why

they call him Dr. Strangelove.

- Dan, are you all right?

- I'm fine.

I've got my friends, I've got my career,

and an unlimited mileage rate.

All the fires are out.

Say, that is good news.

I figure 5000 should cover it.

Oh, my dear God.

Is it that bad?

Did you see The Day After?

Oh, great. My battery's dead.

I've got a date with the duchess

of discipline and my battery is dead.

Christine, do me a favor...

...and push me over to that plug

so I can recharge this thing.

Sure, Dan.

Heh, hey. You ever see Jon Voight

and Jane Fonda in Coming Home?

Did you ever see Richard Widmark

in Kiss of Death?

She, uh,

really ripped your heart out, huh?

You wanna talk about it?

You will eventually,

and I'll be there for you.

Fort Benning, Georgia.

The 82nd Airborne Division

said to say hello.

Hey, baby.

I missed you.

As much as all the other guys?

Come on,

you don't think there's another guy.

Does the name John ring a bell?

You sleep with men for money.

So you figured it out.

What are you gonna do?

Sic your judge friend on me?

- Ugh, Renee--

- What is he gonna charge me with?

Felony present-accepting?

Well, I'm not gonna give them back,

because I already hocked them.

- That's your business.

- That's right, that is my business.

My business is conning jerks like you.

Goodbye, Renee.

Wait a minute.

I took you to the cleaners.

You've been had, big boy. Don't you get it?

- Yeah, I do get it.

- Good.

Then go ahead and hit me.

Come on, I can take it.

Go ahead. I've been hit before.

I feel sorry for you.

I said, hit me, bozo.

I see people like you every day.

They take and take

because they never fill up inside.

Why don't you get angry with me?

- Oh, I'm angry, all right.

- See?

I'm angry at all those people

that hurt you...

...because they hurt you real bad.

And it makes me sad

to think about the other Renee.

The one that never had a chance.

The one I fell in love with.

Bye.

That's it?

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.

Happy anniversary.

It would've been two weeks tonight.

Sir.

- What's that?

- Your couch.

I guess reupholstering

is out of the question, huh?

Uh-huh.

- You want the next case, sir?

- Bull, are you okay?

Sir, life may be filled with pitfalls

and uncertainty...

...but from adversity comes strength.

Who said that?

It's me, sir.

Bull.

Holy cow.

That is a bold fashion statement.

Your Honor, may I address the court?

- Listen, I-- I don't--

- I...

...am a hooker.

Renee, don't.

You see, I degrade myself for money

because I don't like myself very much.

- Please.

- No, that's--

That's not entirely true.

I don't like myself at all.

And this man...

...made me feel like a princess.

Do you know why?

You know why?

Well, I don't know why either.

Can somebody please tell me why?

Okay, okay. It's gonna be okay.

- Let's call it a night, Mac.

- Right.

- Uh, I'll get her some water.

- Thank you, Flo.

Everything under control, Bull?

Right. I've been meaning to go in

for that brain scan.

All right, folks, show's over.

Why did she have to do this?

Now I feel sorry for her.

Let's take her into my office.

Maybe I'll get one for Christmas.

Okay, now take a deep breath.

Feel any better?

I feel dizzy and nauseous.

Reality. Does that to you sometimes.

I don't even know why

I came here, but I knew I just had to.

I think it had something to do

with self-respect.

You had an attack of dignity.

Hopefully, it's chronic.

Should we call a doctor?

Good idea.

- You hurt?

- No.

I would like somebody

to take an x-ray of you...

...to tell me what you are.

Because no man

can be that compassionate.

You're wrong there, Renee.

He's a man, all right.

Admittedly, there aren't many around

who are as special as he is...

...but there are a few.

And, if we're lucky,

if we're very, very lucky...

...one crosses our path in a lifetime.

Are we talking about the film Gandhi?

Some of them are cute too.

- Come on, now. Upsy-daisy.

- I feel so embarrassed.

Oh, forget it.

You know something?

It's not what other people think

that counts.

It's how we feel about ourselves.

You make me feel beautiful.

Yeah, well, red's your color.

Ha, ha. It's not the dress.

I know, but if I hear one more compliment,

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Hey, that reminds me, I'm hungry.

- How about you?

- Yeah, I could use a bite.

Great. I know this quaint little

all-you-can-eat liver joint down the block.

If you'll be there,

then it's gonna be wonderful.

He is one special man.

Yeah, he is.

Come on, I know a quaint little

all-you-can-eat kelp bar...

...next to the liver joint.

Dan.

It's time.

Sheila, ha, ha, about the wheelchair--

Shh.

You're talking again, Dan.

By the way...

...three of my friends from Sweden

will be joining us.

I'm afraid they're not very bright.

I hope you don't mind.

Good.

The hotel address is on the key.

We'll be waiting for you

in the Marquis de Sade suite.

Bite.

Don't be late...

...or we'll have to start without you.

Light a candle for me.

Uh, could you give me a hand, please?

Bravo. Huzzah.

- No, really. Come on, I'm serious.

- Come on, gang. Kelp's on me.

Wait. No, no, no, wait. You wouldn't.

We would, we want to, we did.

Flo. Flo.

Phil. Phil.

Come here, come here, come here.

Hurry up.

Look, they are waiting.

You have to help me out.

Sure, pal.

I'll do my best.

Phil!