Original subtitles

Last week on Night Court,

there was trouble for the Blakes.

Your Honor, Mrs. Blake returned from work

and found an eviction notice on her door.

I got a simple policy:

you don't pay, you don't stay.

I made that up myself.

We just moved here.

We don't know anyone.

Can't you help us?

And there was trouble for the Wheelers.

Your Honor, the Wheelers were found

on a park bench crying.

They were arrested for vagrancy.

Will I ever see Disney World now, Daddy?

Never, sweetheart.

Never in a million years.

- This took so long, I'm frightened.

- Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Blake.

I have a feeling

we're about to see some magic.

The State finds the defendant

guilty as charged.

Ta-da.

Take it easy, kid.

I'll take it any way I can get it.

You're a pig!

Remember that lady and her kid

from last night?

- Yeah.

- Kid tried to rob a liquor store on Broadway.

So he got arrested?

He got shot.

Uh, Your Honor?

If it's about the kid, he heard already.

- The cops gave him a call.

- When?

Few minutes ago.

Right before he quit.

That's right, officer.

He's been missing since last night.

Let's see, he's tall, he's skinny...

...he's wearing a long black robe

and blue suede shoes.

Oh, and there's a possibility

he's got a stuffed armadillo with him.

Hello?

- We get that a lot with Harry.

- Any word from the hospital, Mac?

Yeah, I just talked to them.

The kid came through fine.

- Oh. Oh, thank God.

- Yeah.

Now the only problem is...

...the one man that needs to hear that

has vanished into thin air.

Mac, where is he? It's driving me crazy.

Well, he's not in Manhattan.

Bull.

Are you all right?

I checked everywhere.

I checked his apartment, no luck.

I checked his favorite restaurants...

...all the magic shops, the toy stores,

the parks, the zoo.

Is that seaweed on your lapel?

You swam around the whole island,

didn't you?

And the last few miles were the hardest.

I felt like I was pulling a lead weight.

Bull, what are those little round marks

on the back of your uniform?

Tentacles?

That's what they were yelling

from shore.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well, okay, thanks anyway.

What did you tell them at city hall

when you asked for a replacement judge?

Well, last night I said Harry had to leave

because his place had a flood.

Tonight,

I went with a death in the family.

Mac.

I know,

this is how Pinocchio got started.

Well...

...he's not at the morgue.

You looked for Judge Stone

at the morgue?

Yeah, I got a friend who works there.

As a matter of fact,

I got about a dozen friends who work there.

We sit around swapping recipes,

we play board games.

They even gave me a spare locker

to keep my things in.

You know how some people

like the park?

Me, I like the morgue.

Getting to know you.

Getting to know all about you.

All rise.

Criminal Court Part Two

is now in session.

The honorable--

--Harrison Kemp presiding.

You okay?

Yeah, Mr. Sandman didn't get a chance

to visit me last night.

Probably afraid to come in.

- Tonight's docket, sir.

- Thank you.

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

That belongs to the judge

who usually presides here.

Evening.

Well, if it isn't

Mr. and Mrs. Night of the Living Dead.

Just so you know,

we're looking for a ride to Florida.

If we have to, we can split the gas.

My wife here is willing to sell her hair.

I've always considered it

just a luxury item.

So many of us forget that.

We spent the night at the mission.

It was the most beautiful place

on the face of the earth.

They gave us a slice of olive loaf.

And the entertainment portion

of the evening was a true pleasure.

Entertainment?

A man ate live insects for three hours.

They had to beg us to leave.

You brush your teeth with your fingers,

don't you?

First case, Your Honor.

- People v. Anthony Rego.

Mm-hm.

Mr. Rego, it says here

you assaulted a waiter with a pool cue.

- Allegedly assaulted, Your Honor.

- Oh, no, I hit him, all right.

The defense rests.

You see, Your Honor...

...he gave me a bowl of soup

with this giant dead fly in it.

So I says to him,

"Hey, there's a fly in my soup."

And he says,

"So? Get him to split the check."

"Get him to split the check."

Give me a hand, will you?

I'm dying up here.

Your Honor, at that point, the bartender

demanded payment, and a scuffle ensued.

It was my last buck.

This clown just cleaned me out

on a game of eight ball.

- Clown?

- Well, not a real clown.

It's just kind of a figure of speech.

I feel like I'm talking to a duffel bag.

Could you describe this clown, Mr. Rego?

Yeah, kind of tall and skinny.

Kind of wore a long black bathrobe.

He ran the table on me four times.

And then he shakes my hand

and zaps me with a joy buzzer.

- That's Harry.

- What?

- You said a black bathrobe?

- Yeah.

- Could it have been a judge's robe?

- I don't know.

Well, take a look, bozo.

A man's life may depend on it.

Oh, Your Honor, I am so sorry.

This is silk, isn't it?

If I may say, this is the strangest court

I've ever presided over.

Thank you.

I find the defendant guilty as charged.

Fifty-dollar fine.

- Don't hit me.

- Okay, then talk.

- Was his name Harry?

- Who?

- The geek who skunked you at eight ball.

- I don't know his name.

- You saw him at a pool hall?

- Yeah.

- I looked there.

- Well, I didn't even say which one.

There must be at least--

Nine hundred and sixty-two of them.

Yeah, well,

he's in the one across the street.

Nine hundred and sixty-three.

Come on.

Six in the corner.

Five in the side.

Eleven in the corner

off the cockroach stuck to the felt.

- I brought you your messages, sir.

- Hey, how about a quick game, Mac?

No, sir. I gotta go back to work.

- We were hoping you'd come with us, Harry.

- Yeah.

No, I can't. I gotta practice.

I'm going back out on the road.

Sir, I have some great news.

The bullet only grazed

one of Joey's lungs.

- That is great news.

- That didn't come out well, did it?

No, it was you. I loved it.

Listen, Harry, the point is

that little Tiny Tim is fine.

- He came out of surgery this morning.

- I know. I was there.

He woke up, he opened his eyes...

...called me "pig."

Maybe he meant it affectionately.

Sir, when are you gonna stop

whipping yourself about that kid?

I'm not whipping myself.

But there was a very nice couple in

the back room who offered to do it for me.

Harry, now, we can't stand here and watch

while you throw your career away.

Why don't you watch from over there?

The view is better.

- But, sir, we can't--

- Hey, guys, can you take a hint?

I quit.

I am no longer interested

in what goes on up there.

I will not sit at that bench

and say what the books tell me to say...

...night after night.

If you think it's all

fair and equitable, fine.

As far as I'm concerned, it sucks rocks.

Case closed.

You're just gonna play pool

for the rest of your life?

Sure, hours are the same.

And besides,

it's something I'm pretty sure I'm good at.

Pardon me.

Two ball off the seven,

double-bank into the far corner.

Good luck with the new gig.

You coming, Dan?

You guys go ahead.

I'll be up in a minute.

Hey, guys. Now, I'm counting on you

to come down here and keep me up to date.

You know, like,

when we get new presidents and stuff.

- Great bunch of kids, huh?

Yeah, right.

So....

You're not a judge anymore.

That's right.

You twerp.

I beg your pardon?

You simp.

You pathetic, whining, wheezing,

jackassed twig.

I get the feeling

you're trying to tell me something, Dan.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?

- You?

- Yes.

I just get you broken in

to where I can handle you.

And now I gotta take my chances

with some new judge.

Oh, I see your point.

What are the chances

of getting somebody...

...as naive and as ignorant

as you are again?

- I don't know, what, 50-, 60-to-1 maybe?

- Do you think I'm kidding around here?

- Dan, I really--

- Why don't you shut your beanie little face?

You had a couple of bad nights.

Is that any reason to just quit?

Throw it all away?

It wasn't a couple of bad nights, Dan.

A kid got shot.

Now, you tell me that if I go back,

that's not gonna happen again.

It will happen again, eventually.

We can only do

what the law will allow us to do.

- That's it.

- That ain't good enough.

I understand you wanna

change water into wine once in a while.

Cure a few blind men here and there.

Dan...

...I can't go back.

I can't do it.

It's too hard.

Maybe it is.

I wouldn't know.

Maybe all of those people you helped

when they needed it...

...they'll make up for the few

that you couldn't.

I'll give your respects to the downtrodden

and the oppressed.

I'm sure they'll understand.

You're not playing fair, Dan.

You were good, Harry.

Very good.

You were impartial, you were fair.

Patient, compassionate, understanding.

And I admired you.

That's really getting below the belt,

isn't it?

Ciao, baby.

- He's right, you know.

- What?

- You were good.

- Mister--?

- Ray.

- Yeah, Ray, this is not--

Ray Muntz.

I was in your courtroom

for sleeping in the park.

Yeah, you were smiling and making jokes.

You said that benches weren't good

for my posture.

I remember.

Well, you should, it was funny.

Did I help you?

No.

You gave me a fine.

But you also did something else

I'll never forget.

You talked to me.

Well, the other judges,

they just shove your file aside and move on.

But you, you spent some time with me.

And that felt nice.

So I remember too...

...Your Honor.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was yesterday, Mr. Muntz.

Oh.

Where does the time go?

He's been like that an awfully long time.

I'm not gonna disturb him.

The last time I said something,

he nearly bit my head off.

How long are we just gonna stand here?

He does look awfully immobile,

doesn't he?

Well, we gotta do something.

- Excuse me, is there a doctor here?

- Yeah, I'm a doctor.

Sir, could you help us?

Sure. He's dead.

I'd say he's been dead

a good five minutes.

Amazing as it seems,

this happened to us once.

Bob's uncle Teddy

came over for Christmas dinner one year...

...and dropped his head

right into the stuffing.

I never got to open my presents.

You never had any presents, sweetheart.

What about the marble when I was 7?

We had to give that back to Grandma,

darling.

She couldn't wear the eye patch forever.

I guess we're gonna have to call

for another judge?

Well, what about this one?

Put him in the hall,

somebody will pick him up eventually.

Why does this junk

always have to be dumped on me?

Now, this could take hours.

And I got tickets to the Jets game tonight.

- You got tickets?

- Yeah, a pair on the 50-yard line.

I would kill for a single in the end zone.

Our grief appears to be inconsolable.

Oh, ain't no use in hanging around here.

Wait a minute!

Paragraph six, section 27 of the New York

City municipal code clearly states...

...that no session of criminal or civil court

may be recessed or dismissed...

...unless so ordered by the magistrate

presiding over said session.

Bull...

...the man is dead.

Drive safely, everybody.

Yeah, hi.

Yeah, this is Mac Robinson

of Arraignment Court Two.

It looks like we're gonna need

a replacement judge...

...to replace our replacement judge.

I know it's the third in 24 hours.

You're kidding.

We set a record.

Hi, guys.

Let me put you on hold for a sec.

How's it going?

I went home. I got washed up.

Well, it's nice

to see everything's the way I left it.

Except, of course,

for the dead guy on my bench.

That would be Judge Kemp.

Yeah, well, he's got my gavel

and he won't let go of it.

And I guess I'll be needing it.

I said, I guess I'll be needing it.

I've decided to come back to work.

I'm real sorry I shouted at everybody.

And I'm sorry I acted like a two-legged,

lobotomized jackass.

I think we could buy that one.

Apology accepted.

- Oh, welcome back, Harry.

- We're glad to have you back.

Guys, I am sorry.

I guess it is as simple

as taking the good with the bad.

No matter how bad the bad gets.

If you're sure you wanna be a judge....

I am sure.

At least I know I'm not the best pool player

in the world.

You should see me

when I have my own cue.

Come on, let's go and see

if we can retrieve his gavel.

- Your Honor--

- Miss Sullivan.

I've really come to appreciate

these little chats of ours.

- Glad to have you back, sir.

- The feeling's mutual, Mr. Robinson.

I'm real glad you guys were there.

Especially him.

Dan?

That man is the reason I'm standing here.

He made me want this job...

...more than anything I've ever wanted

in my entire life.

Dan Fielding?

Would you excuse us, Mac?

Yeah. Yes, sir.

- I'll just go tidy up your room a little bit.

- All right.

It's good to see you, Harry.

I owe you big, counselor.

It was an honor, sir.

No, I mean it, Dan.

From the bottom of my heart...

...to the tip...

...of my beanie little face.

All I had to do

was tell him what I was gonna do.

Hi.

Cat still got your tongue?

That happens to me sometimes.

I just have so much to say,

I can't say anything, I guess.

I know the feeling.

You mind if I ask you

what it was you were gonna say?

Welcome back.

I can see why that would be tough

to put into words.

You are very good up there.

And big hearts are hard to find

these days.

Well, I may be a pig,

but I'm a concerned pig.

You know, sir, if you're gonna feel sorry

for every person that comes in here...

- ...you're not gonna last very long.

- Yeah.

I am beginning to understand that.

I haven't been up there

as long as you have...

...but I have managed

to develop a detachment from my work...

...and there's no reason

why you can't too.

Ready any time you are, Miss Sullivan.

Are you sure we ain't putting you out?

We'd be thrilled to sleep in your trunk.

You're breeding them for pets,

aren't you?