Original subtitles

Hey, how's it going, judge?

What about that Jets game on Sunday, huh?

Did you see it?

Now, that is what I call

one heck of a game.

You look a little bit thinner.

You been working out?

I guess you noticed, huh?

The elevator's busted.

It was working perfectly one minute.

I turn around, bang, it's dead.

Everybody started using

the freight elevator.

I mean, what are people supposed to do,

walk up 18 flights of stairs?

I did it. I got them.

I got them, I got them, I got them!

I got them, I got them, I got them.

Guess whose concert I got tickets to

Saturday night.

Oh, boy, charades.

How many syllables?

Eddie Devon.

You're not very good at this.

Hi, guys.

You will never guess what I just did.

How did you get up here?

Took the freight elevator

just like everybody else.

I heard some jerk

actually walked up all 18 flights.

Your Honor, look.

Miss Sullivan, look.

- You too?

- Uh-huh.

Two tickets to the grand opening

of the petting zoo in Central Park.

You camped out all night for those,

didn't you?

Your Honor,

these are Eddie Devon tickets.

- Wow!

- Yeah.

Who's Eddie Devon?

He's a rock 'n' roll star, sir.

Oh, I don't keep up with that, Mac.

You know that.

Flo and I,

we're into the old-timers, right, Flo?

Sinatra, Tormé, right?

Eddie has brown hair, green eyes,

and 17 gold singles.

His last LP went platinum in a week...

...and he just kicked off

a 28-city concert tour.

I would've had the best view of him

at Woodstock...

...but they made me climb down

from the light tower.

Why?

Some nonsense about wearing clothes.

- What the hell was that?

- I don't know.

But whatever it was, I hope nobody

was in the hall when it went through.

Now, wait. That's private stuff.

Get over there.

Oh, my God.

People, people, people.

If that is what you indeed are.

Sit down!

Counsels.

Will someone please tell me

what the hell is going on around here?

Yes, Your Honor. There was a last-minute

cancellation of the Eddie Devon concert.

His fans started chanting,

"Up with famine."

Well, that is extreme behavior,

but in light of the announced cancellation--

That was before

the announced cancellation.

And then after,

I suppose things got a little out of hand?

Luckily, the ritual human sacrifice

was nipped in the bud.

All right. Right this way.

Right down the aisle here. Thank you.

Come right this way. Thank you. Good.

Sir, Eddie Devon's here.

He's here?

Oh, my God! I don't believe it!

This is unreal!

I mean, what an interesting development.

Uh, Mr. Devon was assaulted by a promoter

after he froze on-stage.

Here's the arrest report.

Bull, why are you wearing that thing?

Oh, uh, some fans found out

I was escorting Mr. Devon...

...and I wanted to throw them

off our trail.

I figured a disguise would help.

You recognized me right away,

didn't you?

What do you expect

from a man who keeps thumbtacks as pets?

Excuse me. Uh, can somebody

tell me where Mr. Devon is?

Yes. I can answer that.

- You are...?

- Hi. Dr. Charles Melnick.

I'm Eddie's psychiatrist

and personal spokesman.

- Where is he?

- He's here. He's in this room.

- Can I see him?

- He has no comment.

- A statement will be issued on this incident.

- I would just like--

It's my belief that Eddie froze on-stage...

...as a result of his latent performance

anxiety, which has been heightened...

...by his growing concern

over the plight of the whales.

- Your Honor.

- Yes, Miss Sullivan?

He's under my table.

- What is he, nuts?

- Of course not.

But a personal appearance in this courtroom

is simply out of the question.

Well, fine. Then he can make

a personal appearance in my office.

Fifteen-minute recess.

I hope that you're capable of treating him

with the kind of respect and sensitivity...

...that this calls for.

Here, boy. Here, Eddie.

Come on, boy. Here, boy.

- Good. Good.

- I'll put some newspaper down on my rug.

Hi.

- I'm Willy.

- I'm Wally.

I'm woozy.

We're looking for Eddie Devon.

- We'd do anything--

- Anything.

--to get close to him.

What do you do?

Oh, I'm an assistant district...

...sales rep for Eddie's record company.

Ooh.

Once more.

Ooh.

Forget about the lottery.

Give me this one.

No, captain, no. I would not classify this

as a possible crowd-control problem, no.

I would call a thousand screaming fans

burning me in effigy...

...an existing crowd-control problem.

Yes, so please do what you can. Mm-hm.

Hold on.

- Come on in.

- Go on. Go on. Go on in, Eddie.

Eddie, nobody's gonna hurt you.

That's right. Now sit.

Good boy. Ha, ha.

Hi, Eddie.

- Hi.

- Doc, I'd like to see Eddie alone...

- ...for a couple of minutes.

- Absolutely not.

Eddie's used to my constant presence

as a support mechanism.

- You did say he was all right.

- Absolutely.

- Fine. Get out.

- Judge.

Do you understand the phrase

"separation anxiety"?

Yeah. Do you understand the phrase

"contempt of court"?

Relax, Eddie. It'll be fun.

Don't mention the word "womb."

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie....

- It's been a rough tour, eh, Eddie?

- They ripped my hair out in Philadelphia.

Oh, they do that to everybody.

And in Cleveland,

they sold pieces of my shirt.

Yeah, I've heard about

rock fans doing that.

I was still wearing it.

How long you been on tour, Eddie?

Oh....

- Few nights.

- Quick, what year is it?

'80-something.

It's '85. Reagan is president.

The actor?

It's a long story.

So that's it?

You're only interested in musicians?

- That and music.

- We love music.

We've got

some of the best speakers in town.

A really great pair.

Mm....

Stereo.

Yeah, well, mono's for squares.

Hey, guys.

- Where is he?

Who, Eddie? Oh, I sent him out.

- You wha--? You sent him out?

- Alone?

Sure. Sent him to the zoo.

What's the big deal?

The big deal? He's got

the survival instincts of a cabbage!

That's what's the big deal.

Aren't we exaggerating a little bit, doc?

Sir, don't you ever read

Tiger Beat magazine?

No, I let my subscription lapse.

Eddie Devon hasn't been out in public

alone in six years.

Then you're saying I sent a defenseless,

trusting human being into Central Park...

...at night, alone?

Does the word "oops" come to mind?

Fifty-dollar fine and time served.

Flo. Bull.

- How many more have we got, Mac?

- Minus the last four, 3000.

Recess.

It's been over four hours, Judge Stone.

I've sent out private detectives.

No trace of him.

Oh, I'm sure he'll show up

somewhere, eventually.

- Thank you, Miss Sullivan.

- In a lake. In a riverbed.

- Thank you, Miss Sullivan.

- She's right.

I know for a fact

that something unspeakably horrible...

...has already happened to him.

Maybe it's the same thing that happened

to his bass player at that party.

- What happened?

- He choked on his tongue.

He choked on his own tongue?

Now, wait a minute. That's right.

They never were able to verify

whose tongue it was.

I feel great.

Why, look who's here.

Eddie. You're okay.

- I feel great.

- Hey, uh-- Where were you?

- The zoo. I touched a goat.

- That's how I got started.

You should've seen it, Dr. Melnick.

People didn't even recognize me.

One guy even came up to me

and said, "Watch it, scum face." Ha, ha.

Oh, how beautiful.

Eddie, Eddie.

This is just the way it started

the last time.

- Just the way what started?

- He doubted me...

...only for a few minutes,

in the spring of 1981.

But we got through that one together,

didn't we, Eddie?

Wait a minute. Are you saying that

his going to the petting zoo was wrong?

- I'm confused.

- So am I.

Come on, Eddie. We're going home.

We'll cancel the tour. We'll--

We'll go sit in the sand.

If what I did was wrong...

...if how I felt was wrong,

then what's the point?

- We'll talk about this outside.

- Don't touch me.

- Eddie.

- Don't talk to me.

Nobody talk to me.

- Thank you.

- Doctor.

That man is obviously exhausted.

He just needs some time to himself.

Are you crazy?

The man is obviously crumbling.

He's on the verge of regressing...

...into a dangerously unstable phase

of his early childhood.

Doctor, you're the one

who's being childish.

I am a licensed psychotherapist.

I am never childish.

That Devon guy's ready

to throw himself down the elevator shaft.

Na-na-na na-na

Everybody just keep back.

I'm not fooling around here.

- Do what he says, people.

Shh, shh....

Eddie. Eddie. Hey.

Let's just take

a few deep breaths here, okay?

Well?

I feel much better. Thanks.

- Doc.

- Eddie.

You're a very sick man.

Doc, I just took a walk. I went out.

I talked to a bag lady.

I felt as free as I've ever felt

in my entire life...

...and you're telling me I'm sick?

Yes.

- Nice meeting you all.

Eddie.

Suicide is crazy.

You've done this before, haven't you?

Eddie, she's right. This is no answer.

I know.

I don't wanna jump.

Somebody, please,

tell me what to do here.

If you could just make this out

to June and Butch.

Grandma and Grandpa. They love him.

Look, now, for your information...

...I take this subject very seriously.

All I'm wondering

is if we could get together...

...and discuss the various relationships

you've had with your musical idols.

I happen to be working toward

my Ph.D. in sociology...

...and the subject of early tribal chants...

...and rhythms...

...and their symbiotic relationships

to both the male and female libidos...

...is directly related to my thesis.

Sounds great.

Fine. Say the Astro Motel

around midnight?

- Oh, we can't.

- Not tonight.

We've already got a date.

With him.

Hi-ya.

Now, what has he got that I don't have?

He's got one of those.

See you at midnight.

Sure thing, kids.

Bye.

Edward.

I am very cross with you.

Tough tepees.

Oh, boy. Mister Rogers gets obscene.

What did you say to me?

- Nothing, doc. I'm sorry.

- Let's go home, Eddie, now.

- All right.

- That's it? You're giving in just like that?

- You're gonna do what he wants?

- Christine, he saved the man's life.

Yeah, well,

why don't I just shut up, then?

Congratulations, doc.

You saved the man's life.

- Of course, what kind of life is it, Eddie?

- Well, it....

Well, tell him.

He needs structure in his life.

I provide that.

- For a hefty fee.

- Hey.

You can't get good psychological therapy

at Kmart, fella.

Eddie, isn't there anything you miss?

Isn't there something you wanted to do,

and he wouldn't let you?

Well, I...

...would've liked to have gone

to my high school reunion.

Do you know what kind of diseases

there are in a gymnasium?

Several were named after me.

I would've liked to have gone

to my father's funeral.

You weren't allowed

to go to your father's funeral?

Do you know how depressing

those things are?

Eddie, I'm not much of a psychologist...

...but I'd bet that you'd have a better shot

with Doc Severinsen than with this clown.

Listen, judge,

you're treading on very thin ice here.

Harry, I know you're trying to help,

but you're wrong about Dr. Melnick.

He's not with me just for the money.

And I'll prove it.

- How?

- Uh--

How?

I'll give away everything I own.

I better go lock up Dan.

- No, Eddie, that wasn't--

- Come on, let's go.

- No, Eddie. What I meant was--

- Eddie.

Creating monsters is your hobby, isn't it?

Hey, you. You like jewelry?

Here. This one's got a 2-karat emerald.

I'd hold out for 60 grand.

Okay, everybody, whoever wants it,

cash, stocks, bonds...

...I'll be in the courtroom giving it away.

This makes up for the twins.

Okay. I got a shopping center.

Me. Me.

It's in Milwaukee.

Eddie, come on.

Aren't we tired of playing

this silly little game?

Monopoly is a game.

He's giving away the whole enchilada.

Oh, heh.

Mr. Fielding,

I've got something for you.

This is a 1959 Gibson Les Paul Special

with twin pickups.

There are only 12 of these

that were made.

It was a gift to me on my 16th birthday

from my father.

His only wish in life was to see his son

succeed at his first love: music.

I want you to have this.

I'm.... I don't know what to say.

I'm honored.

I'll always be grateful. Thank you.

Have this appraised.

This is just getting ridiculous.

He just wants my attention.

Okay, I got a Caribbean island.

That's mine!

You promised.

They were right.

You lied to me.

You've been lying to me for 10 years.

It doesn't matter anymore. You figured

him out, and that's what counts.

He said he cared about me.

He said that, one day, I'd be all right.

Well, I'm not all right, doc.

- And I'm gonna make you pay for it.

- Eddie, wait.

Oh, great! Bad publicity.

You know they've been talking series

with me and Joyce Brothers?

Eddie, please don't do it!

I have to, Harry.

Well, thanks for everything, Dr. Melnick.

Eddie, sweetheart,

you've got so much to live for.

- But I gave it all away.

- Oh, yeah, right.

So you live with this, you scum.

Surprise.

I'm standing on top of the elevator.

I want you dead.

But why?

You said I have so much to live for.

Well, what do you think, guys?

My first joke.

Ha, ha.

- It killed me.

Thanks for everything, guys.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have a few zoos to check out.

Oh, by the way, Dr. Melnick...

...I kept all the Swiss bank accounts.

I mean, I may be stupid...

...but I'm not crazy.

Hi, Dan.

Well, if it isn't Count Basie.

How'd you enjoy your evening

with the twins?

I wrote a poem about it.

This is volume one.

"'The Azzari Sisters:

An Adventure in Verse.'

By Bull Shannon."

Double your pleasure

Double your fun

I used to have yearnings

And now I got none

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

- Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

- Mel, Mel, Mel.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

- Mel, Mel, Mel.