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Excuse me.
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I know we haven't been
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formally introduced...
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...but I was wondering,
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when you get off from work...
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...if you haven't made
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any dinner plans...?
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Steak and Brew, 10:30.
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Wear something tight.
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In Manhattan.
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The number for Spandex for Less.
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It says here they're down to
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three candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize.
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I would kill for one of those.
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I don't know how to be delicate,
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but it would seem...
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...that one of the prerequisites for winning
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a humanitarian award is that you be....
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Human.
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Why are you interested
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in a Nobel Peace Prize, Dan?
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Career advancement.
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Of course,
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I lost my head there for a second.
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Excuse me, I'm afraid I'm a little lost.
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I was wondering if you could direct me.
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Certainly, first left, take the corridor,
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and then follow the yellow brick road.
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I crack myself up.
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Who are you?
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Dan Fielding. Can you say that?
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I'm Vincent Daniels, your new boss.
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Can you say that?
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I'll expect you in my office immediately.
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Heigh-ho, heigh-ho...
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...it's off to work I go.
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Florence.
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Huh?
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Florence, I was thinking,
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before we rushed into things...
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...maybe it would be a good idea
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if we got to know each other a little better.
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Why?
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Well, there are a million questions
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I'd like to ask you.
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And I'm sure there are a million
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you could ask me.
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Go ahead, ask me any little thing
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your heart desires.
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Ever do it to Twisted Sister?
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Talk is cheap, Bernie.
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Vincent Daniels wanted me to tell you...
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...he's gonna be sitting in with Dan
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on tonight's session.
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- Thanks.
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- Have you seen that guy's credentials?
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Yale Law Review, Supreme Court clerk.
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The highest rate of convictions
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of any DA in the state.
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How do you think Dan's
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gonna handle working with him?
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You ever discuss jurisprudence
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with a Muppet?
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Ask a stupid question....
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I hate him.
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- Because?
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- That job was mine.
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I busted my chops for years,
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what do they do?
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- They give it to Santa's favorite elf.
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- Oh, Dan.
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And then he lectures me.
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He sits with his little feet
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on top of his little desk and lectured me.
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He happens to be one of the
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best-qualified prosecutors in the state.
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Perhaps he beat you out
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for that job fair and square.
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My favorite is,
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"How's the weather down there?"
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Mine is, "How's the view?"
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I've heard that one a thousand times.
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Ever see Rocky and Bullwinkle?
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Watch out, Dan.
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Mr. Fielding, I'm only going to interject
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when I think it is absolutely necessary.
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- Mm. Light docket tonight.
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- That's about the size of it.
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Yeah, the gavel works good.
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- What do we got first?
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- We've got some burglaries...
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- ...attempted arson, bodily assaults....
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- Surprise me.
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Arnold Preminger, attempted arson.
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- Lovely choice.
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- Oh, thank you, sir.
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- Defense requests a psychiatric--
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- Whoa, Miss Sullivan.
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I would like to hear the particulars
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of this case before we pass judgment.
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Mr. Preminger believes aliens
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from the gaseous nebula Gamma Seven...
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...are infiltrating the municipal work force
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in their continued quest for domination.
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You were saying, Miss Sullivan?
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- I have proof.
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- Mr. Preminger--
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Front page, New York Times.
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They've invaded every area
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of the work force.
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"Evidence of alien hiring."
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Mr. Preminger,
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this is an article about immigrants.
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From space.
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Your Honor, the empire recommends
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we beam the earthling...
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...aboard the slave colony
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at Terra Bellevue.
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Oh, my God.
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Mr. Fielding.
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Excuse me.
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Vinnie the Pooh wants to see me.
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Oooh....
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Hey! You can forget
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those Christmas cards.
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- What?
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- Mr. Fielding.
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Ethics aside, I found your comments
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to the defendant disgusting...
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...and totally unacceptable.
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So, what's your point?
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My point is, I'm going to show you
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how I want things handled in this court.
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- I have been doing this job for eight years--
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- Sit!
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Look, listen and learn.
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I hated you in E.T.
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And in conclusion, Your Honor,
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I would like to cite a relevant precedent.
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Namely, Green v. Wisconsin,
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1962, in which--
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You mean Greenberg v. Wisconsin.
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Greenberg, right.
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- As I was saying--
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- And it was 1972.
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- What did I say?
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- '62.
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Hey, you got the state part right.
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How clever of me.
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With all due respect
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to counsel for the defense...
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...the Greenberg decision
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was overturned by the Supreme Court.
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It was a 6-to-2 vote
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with one abstention...
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...on August 17th, 1977.
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- I believe it was a Thursday.
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- It was a Tuesday.
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I'm just kidding.
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I know.
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Defense have anything to add?
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I respectfully decline, Your Honor,
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on the grounds that it may incriminate me.
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Mr. Fielding?
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Her turn-ons are sunshine, smiles
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and Bert Convy movies.
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Dan. Yo. Do you concur with Mr. Daniels?
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Well, if the pointy little shoe
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with the bell on the toe fits....
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Okay, I don't see any reason we can't
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continue this case till the next session.
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We will take a short--
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I mean, a little-- I mean....
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- "Short" is fine.
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- "Short" it is. Short recess.
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Fielding, I've got a problem
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with your attitude.
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Did you say "attitude"...
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...or "altitude"?
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Your behavior is bordering
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on insubordination.
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- Now, you listen to me--
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- No, you listen to me.
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I'm giving you one week
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to clean up your act.
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Is that understood?
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Understood?
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- Yes.
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- Yes, what?
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Yes, you little ba--
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Barrister.
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Fielding.
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I don't think we see eye-to-eye.
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You wanna see eye-to-eye?
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You want to see eye-to-eye?
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Okay, here's one more.
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Vincent Price in The Fly.
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Help me, help me, help me.
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- Great news.
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- What?
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I've been fired.
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- No.
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- You're kidding.
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It's true. I've just been promoted
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to former assistant district attorney.
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Oh, wow. Congratulations.
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Poor Dan.
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Just kidding.
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Oh, even so...
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...it seems a shame to see a man's
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whole life go down the tubes like that.
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It's like the 17th century mathematician
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and philosopher René Descartes once said:
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"You hoist your boss, you pay the price."
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- Here he is.
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- Thank you, Bull, where did you find him?
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In the men's room
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beating his head against the tile.
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Well?
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Well? What do you expect
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when you behave like an inconsiderate....
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Diseased piece of vermin meat?
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Dan, I feel sorry for you. I really do.
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I have seen the sensitive side of you,
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so this really shocks me.
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Frankly, I was just beginning to like you.
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So sex is not totally out of the question?
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I'd rather sleep with Attila the Hun.
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Hey, Christine, wait up.
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She wouldn't.
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Oh. Well, I gotta go check on my roast.
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Yeah, I know. You're disappointed.
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And I know that you are prejudiced jerk.
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Well, so would you be
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if you were in my shoes.
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It's very easy to be a bleeding-heart liberal
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from where you sit.
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Try working for Vincent Daniels.
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Dan, everyone has the right to work.
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- Of course. In circuses, amusement parks.
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- Dan.
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Damn it, Harry. I wanted that job.
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Dan, from the bottom of my heart...
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...I am truly ashamed of you.
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See you.
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Be sure to put down
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your doctor's name and phone number.
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I never filled in a medical report
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for a date before.
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Safety first, Bernie.
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Florence, about tonight--
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Oh, listen, you better put down
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your next of kin too.
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My hot tub's been acting
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a little funny lately.
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Yeah?
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Wondering if I could bother you
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for a letter of recommendation.
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Exactly 32 seconds, huh?
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What is the job market for village idiots?
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Harry, don't you realize yet
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that it's a matter of dignity?
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Oh, I know that.
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You are in need of some.
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I am a full-grown man
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being forced to take orders...
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...from somebody
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who should be named Spanky.
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All right, Fielding, that's enough.
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I will not sit and listen to you
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denigrate another human being...
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...just because
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he happens to be 2 feet tall.
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Actually, I'm 4'2".
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Sorry, Vincent. This foot-in-mouth disease
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seems to be contagious.
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Forget it.
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I just stopped by to let you know...
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...that a new prosecutor
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will be taking over after the lunch break.
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Fine.
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- Gentlemen.
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Vincent.
284
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:04,940
I want you to know
285
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:04,940
that I think Dan Fielding...
286
00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:08,840
...is ignorant, bull-headed
287
00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:08,840
and just plain stupid.
288
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,170
About that recommendation....
289
00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:16,340
And I'm probably crazy for thinking this,
290
00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:16,340
much less saying it out loud...
291
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:22,890
...but I believe that underneath all this junk
292
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:22,890
there is something that is salvageable.
293
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,520
Would you reconsider?
294
00:14:29,830 --> 00:14:33,600
I suppose. If he apologized.
295
00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:37,800
Dan.
296
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,310
Uh....
297
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,170
I, uh....
298
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:53,750
I was wrong. He's gone from stupid
299
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:53,750
all the way to brain damage.
300
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:57,020
I can't. I just cannot apologize.
301
00:14:57,490 --> 00:15:00,660
That's okay,
302
00:14:57,490 --> 00:15:00,660
I know exactly how you feel.
303
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:04,730
- You do?
304
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:04,730
- You've got your pride.
305
00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:06,830
You've been humiliated.
306
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:11,340
You had to suck up to a man
307
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:11,340
who sits on booster seats in restaurants.
308
00:15:12,710 --> 00:15:14,200
That's pretty funny.
309
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:16,570
Shut up, Velcro head.
310
00:15:19,110 --> 00:15:22,810
I know all about humiliation, Fielding,
311
00:15:19,110 --> 00:15:22,810
believe me.
312
00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:27,450
Pee wee, munchkin, runt,
313
00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:27,450
dwarf, pygmy, midget.
314
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:29,250
I think I've heard them all.
315
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,460
Kids can be very creative
316
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,460
when they tease you, you know.
317
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,760
You see, I stopped growing
318
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,760
when I was 11 years old.
319
00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:42,800
But, then, apparently, so did you.
320
00:15:45,270 --> 00:15:50,680
Look, I am sorry you were born that way.
321
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:52,250
Hm.
322
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:55,110
That's exactly what my father said...
323
00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:57,650
...just before he left.
324
00:15:58,190 --> 00:15:59,480
Your father left?
325
00:15:59,650 --> 00:16:02,060
I guess it was rough on him.
326
00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:07,530
His friends' sons played baseball,
327
00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:07,530
his carried the water bucket.
328
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:12,790
His friends' sons played football,
329
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:12,790
his carried the water bucket.
330
00:16:12,970 --> 00:16:16,730
To this day, I go crazy
331
00:16:12,970 --> 00:16:16,730
every time I go by a drinking fountain.
332
00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:22,940
You mean your father walked out
333
00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:22,940
just because you were...
334
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,410
...petite?
335
00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:30,810
The night before he left...
336
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:35,050
...I heard him tell my mother
337
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:35,050
that it was his fault.
338
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:40,020
He said that I was
339
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:40,020
a punishment from God.
340
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:45,830
But my mother was a intelligent
341
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:45,830
and caring woman.
342
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,130
And she finally explained it to me...
343
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:52,500
...that it wasn't my inadequacies
344
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:52,500
he couldn't deal with.
345
00:16:55,610 --> 00:16:57,580
It was his own.
346
00:17:07,290 --> 00:17:10,260
Is it true you can hang yourself
347
00:17:07,290 --> 00:17:10,260
with your own belt?
348
00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:13,050
You can do it with your own words.
349
00:17:19,230 --> 00:17:23,830
Vincent, I am truly sorry
350
00:17:19,230 --> 00:17:23,830
for everything that I said and did.
351
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:27,970
You may shoot me
352
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:27,970
in the vital organ of your choice.
353
00:17:31,910 --> 00:17:34,140
Apology accepted.
354
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:37,410
I'll get back to you on which organ.
355
00:17:39,990 --> 00:17:43,250
In the meantime, get those cases together
356
00:17:39,990 --> 00:17:43,250
for the rest of the session.
357
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:46,790
You're taking me back?
358
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:51,060
Yes. Because I think
359
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:51,060
you're being sincere.
360
00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:55,140
Also, I've seen your conviction record.
361
00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:55,140
You're good.
362
00:17:56,870 --> 00:17:59,500
But most of all, I'm taking you back...
363
00:17:59,670 --> 00:18:04,510
...because it will give me the opportunity
364
00:17:59,670 --> 00:18:04,510
to make your life a living hell.
365
00:18:06,950 --> 00:18:09,180
You think you're a tough customer?
366
00:18:09,350 --> 00:18:11,550
Well, move over, buster.
367
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,120
Because I'm the toughest,
368
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,120
I'm the meanest...
369
00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:18,560
...I'm the nastiest little man
370
00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:18,560
God ever put on this earth.
371
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:21,320
I'm going to make you run,
372
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:21,320
I'm going to make you jump...
373
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:26,460
...I am going to make you
374
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:26,460
slither on the ground like a snake.
375
00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:29,890
God bless you, sir!
376
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:41,010
- I don't understand him.
377
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:41,010
- Neither do I.
378
00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:45,480
But together we can have some fun
379
00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:45,480
abusing him till we do.
380
00:18:49,290 --> 00:18:52,090
Dan apologized? Our Dan?
381
00:18:52,260 --> 00:18:54,520
Very same.
382
00:18:52,260 --> 00:18:54,520
It was really kind of beautiful.
383
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,320
He really listened.
384
00:18:56,500 --> 00:19:00,200
- So he's working?
385
00:18:56,500 --> 00:19:00,200
- Well, I wouldn't exactly call it working.
386
00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:03,200
Yes, sir. I can pick up
387
00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:03,200
your dry cleaning on the way home.
388
00:19:03,770 --> 00:19:06,740
It's more like groveling for dollars.
389
00:19:06,910 --> 00:19:09,640
And you typed up all the plea bargain
390
00:19:06,910 --> 00:19:09,640
motions for December?
391
00:19:09,810 --> 00:19:11,470
- Yes, sir.
392
00:19:09,810 --> 00:19:11,470
- The conviction ratios?
393
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:14,280
Oh, yeah, stuck in my pants.
394
00:19:14,450 --> 00:19:17,040
Oh. Fine.
395
00:19:17,220 --> 00:19:19,240
Now, about my car....
396
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,490
Light wash, no wax.
397
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,490
I can have it first thing tomorrow.
398
00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:26,030
Fine. Tomorrow, what?
399
00:19:26,460 --> 00:19:30,160
Tomorrow, my lord.
400
00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:34,690
Good. Now toss me a salad.
401
00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:41,770
Oh, and Fielding...
402
00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:44,240
...got any spare change
403
00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:44,240
for the vending machine?
404
00:19:44,410 --> 00:19:47,280
I'm a little short right now.
405
00:19:49,650 --> 00:19:51,310
Did you hear me, Fielding?
406
00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:56,420
I said, I'm a little short right now.
407
00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:00,820
Anything you would care to say?
408
00:20:11,810 --> 00:20:13,710
A little nervous about your date, Bernie?
409
00:20:13,870 --> 00:20:17,870
No. I'm afraid for my life.
410
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:22,540
Oh, come on, Bernie.
411
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:22,540
It's just sweet, little old Flo.
412
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:26,250
She sent me a box of whips.
413
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,020
That must be a joke.
414
00:20:31,190 --> 00:20:34,920
Oh, I see the party favors arrived.
415
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:39,030
Florence, about dinner tonight.
416
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,790
Oh, forget dinner.
417
00:20:40,970 --> 00:20:43,770
What the hell, let's just shack up.
418
00:20:44,470 --> 00:20:48,470
I can live off your savings
419
00:20:44,470 --> 00:20:48,470
and devote myself to my hobbies.
420
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,840
Did I ever mention the motorcycle club?
421
00:20:52,010 --> 00:20:54,170
Actually, it's more of a gang.
422
00:20:54,350 --> 00:20:56,820
Florence, we have to talk.
423
00:20:56,980 --> 00:20:58,610
Sure, what topic?
424
00:20:58,790 --> 00:21:02,190
Well, it's kind of private.
425
00:21:06,430 --> 00:21:09,420
That roast should be done by now.
426
00:21:13,070 --> 00:21:16,800
- Florence, it's not going to work.
427
00:21:13,070 --> 00:21:16,800
- It's not?
428
00:21:16,970 --> 00:21:20,240
Don't get me wrong,
429
00:21:16,970 --> 00:21:20,240
it's not that I don't find you attractive...
430
00:21:20,410 --> 00:21:22,540
...it's just, well...
431
00:21:22,710 --> 00:21:27,740
...I'm used to a certain pace
432
00:21:22,710 --> 00:21:27,740
when it comes to relationships.
433
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:28,970
Like?
434
00:21:29,150 --> 00:21:33,050
Like you're a Corvette
435
00:21:29,150 --> 00:21:33,050
and I'm a milk truck.
436
00:21:33,690 --> 00:21:34,810
Oh.
437
00:21:36,020 --> 00:21:38,150
I'm sorry, really I am.
438
00:21:38,330 --> 00:21:42,590
Well, I guess if that's the way you feel.
439
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:43,960
It is.
440
00:21:44,130 --> 00:21:46,460
And listen, who knows?
441
00:21:46,630 --> 00:21:48,570
In a few years...
442
00:21:48,740 --> 00:21:53,330
...after you'll have gotten all of this
443
00:21:48,740 --> 00:21:53,330
out of your system....
444
00:21:55,140 --> 00:21:56,440
Goodbye, Florence.
445
00:21:58,150 --> 00:21:59,700
Goodbye, Bernie.
446
00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:15,960
Ee-yah!
447
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,330
- He bought it?
448
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,330
- Bought it?
449
00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:21,060
That clown's gotta be halfway
450
00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:21,060
over the river by now.
451
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,640
All right!
452
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,970
- I sense a conspiracy.
453
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,970
- Yes, sir.
454
00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:33,210
See, I told Florence
455
00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:33,210
what a nuisance Bernie was with Selma.
456
00:22:33,380 --> 00:22:36,650
I figured it was a matter of time
457
00:22:33,380 --> 00:22:36,650
before he started bothering Florence.
458
00:22:36,820 --> 00:22:38,810
So we just decided
459
00:22:36,820 --> 00:22:38,810
to beat him to the punch.
460
00:22:38,990 --> 00:22:41,460
Being irresistible must be tough, huh?
461
00:22:42,020 --> 00:22:43,320
We manage.
462
00:22:43,490 --> 00:22:45,080
You know, I still can't believe...
463
00:22:45,260 --> 00:22:47,990
...Bernie actually bought
464
00:22:45,260 --> 00:22:47,990
all that stuff we concocted.
465
00:22:48,930 --> 00:22:52,560
The line about the motorcycle gang
466
00:22:48,930 --> 00:22:52,560
was my favorite.
467
00:22:52,730 --> 00:22:54,400
Motorcycle gang?
468
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:56,560
Ready, angel?
469
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,340
Oh, anytime, doll.
470
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,340
- We better get a move on.
471
00:23:00,510 --> 00:23:03,030
We gotta link up
472
00:23:00,510 --> 00:23:03,030
with 50 guys from Sickle and Skull...
473
00:23:03,210 --> 00:23:08,170
...and still make the Jersey border before
474
00:23:03,210 --> 00:23:08,170
the highway patrol throws up a barricade.
475
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,450
Some of us were born to run.
29108
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