Original subtitles

Excuse me.

I know we haven't been

formally introduced...

...but I was wondering,

when you get off from work...

...if you haven't made

any dinner plans...?

Steak and Brew, 10:30.

Wear something tight.

In Manhattan.

The number for Spandex for Less.

It says here they're down to

three candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize.

I would kill for one of those.

I don't know how to be delicate,

but it would seem...

...that one of the prerequisites for winning

a humanitarian award is that you be....

Human.

Why are you interested

in a Nobel Peace Prize, Dan?

Career advancement.

Of course,

I lost my head there for a second.

Excuse me, I'm afraid I'm a little lost.

I was wondering if you could direct me.

Certainly, first left, take the corridor,

and then follow the yellow brick road.

I crack myself up.

Who are you?

Dan Fielding. Can you say that?

I'm Vincent Daniels, your new boss.

Can you say that?

I'll expect you in my office immediately.

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho...

...it's off to work I go.

Florence.

Huh?

Florence, I was thinking,

before we rushed into things...

...maybe it would be a good idea

if we got to know each other a little better.

Why?

Well, there are a million questions

I'd like to ask you.

And I'm sure there are a million

you could ask me.

Go ahead, ask me any little thing

your heart desires.

Ever do it to Twisted Sister?

Talk is cheap, Bernie.

Vincent Daniels wanted me to tell you...

...he's gonna be sitting in with Dan

on tonight's session.

- Thanks.

- Have you seen that guy's credentials?

Yale Law Review, Supreme Court clerk.

The highest rate of convictions

of any DA in the state.

How do you think Dan's

gonna handle working with him?

You ever discuss jurisprudence

with a Muppet?

Ask a stupid question....

I hate him.

- Because?

- That job was mine.

I busted my chops for years,

what do they do?

- They give it to Santa's favorite elf.

- Oh, Dan.

And then he lectures me.

He sits with his little feet

on top of his little desk and lectured me.

He happens to be one of the

best-qualified prosecutors in the state.

Perhaps he beat you out

for that job fair and square.

My favorite is,

"How's the weather down there?"

Mine is, "How's the view?"

I've heard that one a thousand times.

Ever see Rocky and Bullwinkle?

Watch out, Dan.

Mr. Fielding, I'm only going to interject

when I think it is absolutely necessary.

- Mm. Light docket tonight.

- That's about the size of it.

Yeah, the gavel works good.

- What do we got first?

- We've got some burglaries...

- ...attempted arson, bodily assaults....

- Surprise me.

Arnold Preminger, attempted arson.

- Lovely choice.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

- Defense requests a psychiatric--

- Whoa, Miss Sullivan.

I would like to hear the particulars

of this case before we pass judgment.

Mr. Preminger believes aliens

from the gaseous nebula Gamma Seven...

...are infiltrating the municipal work force

in their continued quest for domination.

You were saying, Miss Sullivan?

- I have proof.

- Mr. Preminger--

Front page, New York Times.

They've invaded every area

of the work force.

"Evidence of alien hiring."

Mr. Preminger,

this is an article about immigrants.

From space.

Your Honor, the empire recommends

we beam the earthling...

...aboard the slave colony

at Terra Bellevue.

Oh, my God.

Mr. Fielding.

Excuse me.

Vinnie the Pooh wants to see me.

Oooh....

Hey! You can forget

those Christmas cards.

- What?

- Mr. Fielding.

Ethics aside, I found your comments

to the defendant disgusting...

...and totally unacceptable.

So, what's your point?

My point is, I'm going to show you

how I want things handled in this court.

- I have been doing this job for eight years--

- Sit!

Look, listen and learn.

I hated you in E.T.

And in conclusion, Your Honor,

I would like to cite a relevant precedent.

Namely, Green v. Wisconsin,

1962, in which--

You mean Greenberg v. Wisconsin.

Greenberg, right.

- As I was saying--

- And it was 1972.

- What did I say?

- '62.

Hey, you got the state part right.

How clever of me.

With all due respect

to counsel for the defense...

...the Greenberg decision

was overturned by the Supreme Court.

It was a 6-to-2 vote

with one abstention...

...on August 17th, 1977.

- I believe it was a Thursday.

- It was a Tuesday.

I'm just kidding.

I know.

Defense have anything to add?

I respectfully decline, Your Honor,

on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

Mr. Fielding?

Her turn-ons are sunshine, smiles

and Bert Convy movies.

Dan. Yo. Do you concur with Mr. Daniels?

Well, if the pointy little shoe

with the bell on the toe fits....

Okay, I don't see any reason we can't

continue this case till the next session.

We will take a short--

I mean, a little-- I mean....

- "Short" is fine.

- "Short" it is. Short recess.

Fielding, I've got a problem

with your attitude.

Did you say "attitude"...

...or "altitude"?

Your behavior is bordering

on insubordination.

- Now, you listen to me--

- No, you listen to me.

I'm giving you one week

to clean up your act.

Is that understood?

Understood?

- Yes.

- Yes, what?

Yes, you little ba--

Barrister.

Fielding.

I don't think we see eye-to-eye.

You wanna see eye-to-eye?

You want to see eye-to-eye?

Okay, here's one more.

Vincent Price in The Fly.

Help me, help me, help me.

- Great news.

- What?

I've been fired.

- No.

- You're kidding.

It's true. I've just been promoted

to former assistant district attorney.

Oh, wow. Congratulations.

Poor Dan.

Just kidding.

Oh, even so...

...it seems a shame to see a man's

whole life go down the tubes like that.

It's like the 17th century mathematician

and philosopher René Descartes once said:

"You hoist your boss, you pay the price."

- Here he is.

- Thank you, Bull, where did you find him?

In the men's room

beating his head against the tile.

Well?

Well? What do you expect

when you behave like an inconsiderate....

Diseased piece of vermin meat?

Dan, I feel sorry for you. I really do.

I have seen the sensitive side of you,

so this really shocks me.

Frankly, I was just beginning to like you.

So sex is not totally out of the question?

I'd rather sleep with Attila the Hun.

Hey, Christine, wait up.

She wouldn't.

Oh. Well, I gotta go check on my roast.

Yeah, I know. You're disappointed.

And I know that you are prejudiced jerk.

Well, so would you be

if you were in my shoes.

It's very easy to be a bleeding-heart liberal

from where you sit.

Try working for Vincent Daniels.

Dan, everyone has the right to work.

- Of course. In circuses, amusement parks.

- Dan.

Damn it, Harry. I wanted that job.

Dan, from the bottom of my heart...

...I am truly ashamed of you.

See you.

Be sure to put down

your doctor's name and phone number.

I never filled in a medical report

for a date before.

Safety first, Bernie.

Florence, about tonight--

Oh, listen, you better put down

your next of kin too.

My hot tub's been acting

a little funny lately.

Yeah?

Wondering if I could bother you

for a letter of recommendation.

Exactly 32 seconds, huh?

What is the job market for village idiots?

Harry, don't you realize yet

that it's a matter of dignity?

Oh, I know that.

You are in need of some.

I am a full-grown man

being forced to take orders...

...from somebody

who should be named Spanky.

All right, Fielding, that's enough.

I will not sit and listen to you

denigrate another human being...

...just because

he happens to be 2 feet tall.

Actually, I'm 4'2".

Sorry, Vincent. This foot-in-mouth disease

seems to be contagious.

Forget it.

I just stopped by to let you know...

...that a new prosecutor

will be taking over after the lunch break.

Fine.

- Gentlemen.

Vincent.

I want you to know

that I think Dan Fielding...

...is ignorant, bull-headed

and just plain stupid.

About that recommendation....

And I'm probably crazy for thinking this,

much less saying it out loud...

...but I believe that underneath all this junk

there is something that is salvageable.

Would you reconsider?

I suppose. If he apologized.

Dan.

Uh....

I, uh....

I was wrong. He's gone from stupid

all the way to brain damage.

I can't. I just cannot apologize.

That's okay,

I know exactly how you feel.

- You do?

- You've got your pride.

You've been humiliated.

You had to suck up to a man

who sits on booster seats in restaurants.

That's pretty funny.

Shut up, Velcro head.

I know all about humiliation, Fielding,

believe me.

Pee wee, munchkin, runt,

dwarf, pygmy, midget.

I think I've heard them all.

Kids can be very creative

when they tease you, you know.

You see, I stopped growing

when I was 11 years old.

But, then, apparently, so did you.

Look, I am sorry you were born that way.

Hm.

That's exactly what my father said...

...just before he left.

Your father left?

I guess it was rough on him.

His friends' sons played baseball,

his carried the water bucket.

His friends' sons played football,

his carried the water bucket.

To this day, I go crazy

every time I go by a drinking fountain.

You mean your father walked out

just because you were...

...petite?

The night before he left...

...I heard him tell my mother

that it was his fault.

He said that I was

a punishment from God.

But my mother was a intelligent

and caring woman.

And she finally explained it to me...

...that it wasn't my inadequacies

he couldn't deal with.

It was his own.

Is it true you can hang yourself

with your own belt?

You can do it with your own words.

Vincent, I am truly sorry

for everything that I said and did.

You may shoot me

in the vital organ of your choice.

Apology accepted.

I'll get back to you on which organ.

In the meantime, get those cases together

for the rest of the session.

You're taking me back?

Yes. Because I think

you're being sincere.

Also, I've seen your conviction record.

You're good.

But most of all, I'm taking you back...

...because it will give me the opportunity

to make your life a living hell.

You think you're a tough customer?

Well, move over, buster.

Because I'm the toughest,

I'm the meanest...

...I'm the nastiest little man

God ever put on this earth.

I'm going to make you run,

I'm going to make you jump...

...I am going to make you

slither on the ground like a snake.

God bless you, sir!

- I don't understand him.

- Neither do I.

But together we can have some fun

abusing him till we do.

Dan apologized? Our Dan?

Very same.

It was really kind of beautiful.

He really listened.

- So he's working?

- Well, I wouldn't exactly call it working.

Yes, sir. I can pick up

your dry cleaning on the way home.

It's more like groveling for dollars.

And you typed up all the plea bargain

motions for December?

- Yes, sir.

- The conviction ratios?

Oh, yeah, stuck in my pants.

Oh. Fine.

Now, about my car....

Light wash, no wax.

I can have it first thing tomorrow.

Fine. Tomorrow, what?

Tomorrow, my lord.

Good. Now toss me a salad.

Oh, and Fielding...

...got any spare change

for the vending machine?

I'm a little short right now.

Did you hear me, Fielding?

I said, I'm a little short right now.

Anything you would care to say?

A little nervous about your date, Bernie?

No. I'm afraid for my life.

Oh, come on, Bernie.

It's just sweet, little old Flo.

She sent me a box of whips.

That must be a joke.

Oh, I see the party favors arrived.

Florence, about dinner tonight.

Oh, forget dinner.

What the hell, let's just shack up.

I can live off your savings

and devote myself to my hobbies.

Did I ever mention the motorcycle club?

Actually, it's more of a gang.

Florence, we have to talk.

Sure, what topic?

Well, it's kind of private.

That roast should be done by now.

- Florence, it's not going to work.

- It's not?

Don't get me wrong,

it's not that I don't find you attractive...

...it's just, well...

...I'm used to a certain pace

when it comes to relationships.

Like?

Like you're a Corvette

and I'm a milk truck.

Oh.

I'm sorry, really I am.

Well, I guess if that's the way you feel.

It is.

And listen, who knows?

In a few years...

...after you'll have gotten all of this

out of your system....

Goodbye, Florence.

Goodbye, Bernie.

Ee-yah!

- He bought it?

- Bought it?

That clown's gotta be halfway

over the river by now.

All right!

- I sense a conspiracy.

- Yes, sir.

See, I told Florence

what a nuisance Bernie was with Selma.

I figured it was a matter of time

before he started bothering Florence.

So we just decided

to beat him to the punch.

Being irresistible must be tough, huh?

We manage.

You know, I still can't believe...

...Bernie actually bought

all that stuff we concocted.

The line about the motorcycle gang

was my favorite.

Motorcycle gang?

Ready, angel?

Oh, anytime, doll.

- We better get a move on.

We gotta link up

with 50 guys from Sickle and Skull...

...and still make the Jersey border before

the highway patrol throws up a barricade.

Some of us were born to run.