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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:05,960 - Hey, guys. 2 00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:05,960 - Hey, Harry. 3 00:00:06,130 --> 00:00:08,900 - What are you reading there? 4 00:00:06,130 --> 00:00:08,900 - Bartlett's Book of Quotations. 5 00:00:09,070 --> 00:00:11,870 This is great stuff. 6 00:00:09,070 --> 00:00:11,870 There is a quote for every occasion. 7 00:00:12,210 --> 00:00:13,730 - May I, sir? 8 00:00:12,210 --> 00:00:13,730 Sure. 9 00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:19,910 He crams with cans of poisoned meat 10 00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:19,910 The subject of the king 11 00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:24,650 And when they die by thousands 12 00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:24,650 Why, he laughs like anything 13 00:00:27,220 --> 00:00:28,380 Silver anniversary? 14 00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:31,950 Ha, ha. Oh, yeah. 15 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:36,960 Whoa. 16 00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:41,160 - Guess who is coming here tonight. 17 00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:41,160 - Oh, give us a hint. 18 00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:45,100 - Somebody I mentioned a thousand times. 19 00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:45,100 - Fatty Arbuckle. 20 00:00:46,940 --> 00:00:50,340 - Who is it that's coming, Dan? 21 00:00:46,940 --> 00:00:50,340 - Chip. 22 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:54,950 Chip Collins? 23 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,050 Hey, pork belly futures are up. 24 00:00:58,220 --> 00:01:00,050 Come on, 25 00:00:58,220 --> 00:01:00,050 you've heard me talk about him. 26 00:01:00,220 --> 00:01:02,990 Tulane '73. Old beer-blasting... 27 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,360 ...panty-raiding, full-mooning, 28 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,360 Chipperoo. Ha-ha-ha. 29 00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:08,960 Yeah, he's the one 30 00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:08,960 who went into priesthood, right? 31 00:01:09,130 --> 00:01:11,000 No, that was Bubba Patterson. 32 00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:13,640 Father Bubba? 33 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,540 He didn't make it. 34 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,540 He's with Green Bay now. 35 00:01:17,710 --> 00:01:19,000 So who's Chip? 36 00:01:19,170 --> 00:01:22,010 Chip, my best friend, 37 00:01:19,170 --> 00:01:22,010 my closest buddy, my spiritual twin. 38 00:01:24,550 --> 00:01:26,810 Once in high school, 39 00:01:24,550 --> 00:01:26,810 right before the big game... 40 00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:28,970 ...we stole our rival team's mascot. 41 00:01:29,150 --> 00:01:30,620 This little German shepherd puppy. 42 00:01:32,420 --> 00:01:36,150 - You stole a little puppy? 43 00:01:32,420 --> 00:01:36,150 - That was the best part. 44 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,690 After we shaved it, 45 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,690 you couldn't tell what it was. 46 00:01:40,260 --> 00:01:42,730 Dan, that was cruel. 47 00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:45,800 Oh, come on, we glued the hair back on. 48 00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:51,630 So, what brings old Snips-and-Snails- 49 00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:51,630 and-Puppy-Dogs'-Tails to town, huh? 50 00:01:51,810 --> 00:01:55,470 - He's getting married. 51 00:01:51,810 --> 00:01:55,470 - Dan, your friend's here. 52 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:59,510 All right, Chip is here! 53 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:59,510 Ha-ha-ha, where is he? 54 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:04,280 Ooh, you must be 55 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:04,280 Thunderball's fiancée. Well, heh.... 56 00:02:04,450 --> 00:02:07,010 Ahem, let me be 57 00:02:04,450 --> 00:02:07,010 the first to congratulate-- 58 00:02:07,190 --> 00:02:10,160 Dan, it's me. 59 00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:20,000 You who? 60 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:22,330 Thunderball. 61 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,140 Chip! 62 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,860 Oh, I'm sorry, I was just, uh.... 63 00:03:19,030 --> 00:03:22,930 - Ha, curious? 64 00:03:19,030 --> 00:03:22,930 - No, heh. 65 00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:25,830 Yes. 66 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,770 Hey, Bull, what about Dan? 67 00:03:31,940 --> 00:03:33,500 It's okay. 68 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,800 I got his tongue back up. 69 00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:44,150 Ah, Chip, Chip, Chip. Ha, ha. 70 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,910 You old son of a gun, you, ha, ha. 71 00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:50,650 You had me going. 72 00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:50,650 What a gag, what a pistol. Ha, ha. 73 00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:54,730 Put your real clothes back on, before 74 00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:54,730 somebody mistakes you for a woman. 75 00:03:55,900 --> 00:04:00,230 Dan, these are my real clothes. 76 00:03:55,900 --> 00:04:00,230 I am a woman. 77 00:04:01,770 --> 00:04:05,000 - Chip, come on, these are my friends here-- 78 00:04:01,770 --> 00:04:05,000 - Dan, it's true. 79 00:04:05,170 --> 00:04:08,410 Old Chipperoo is Charlene now. 80 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:10,900 Completely. 81 00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,020 You don't mean...? 82 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,180 Bye-bye, birdie. 83 00:04:24,630 --> 00:04:25,790 Good Lord! 84 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,430 Hey. Dan, Dan, take it easy. 85 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:29,790 Take it easy? 86 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:34,460 This is not his lucky rabbit's foot he lost, 87 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:34,460 Harry. We're talking an appendage. 88 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,840 I knew it was gonna be a shock to him. 89 00:04:39,010 --> 00:04:42,030 I just couldn't think of a way 90 00:04:39,010 --> 00:04:42,030 to break it to him gently. 91 00:04:42,610 --> 00:04:44,010 She's very pretty, Dan. 92 00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:46,580 But I thought your friend was a man. 93 00:04:46,750 --> 00:04:48,110 He was. 94 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:50,580 I had an operation, Bull. 95 00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:53,220 Uh, I had a sex change. 96 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,590 Oh, yeah? 97 00:04:57,460 --> 00:05:00,830 Does this have anything to do 98 00:04:57,460 --> 00:05:00,830 with the birds and the bees? 99 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:04,790 In a high-tech sort of way. 100 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,490 You know, 101 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,490 I have heard about these things... 102 00:05:07,670 --> 00:05:10,230 ...but I've never actually met anyone 103 00:05:07,670 --> 00:05:10,230 who had one. 104 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:13,140 Ha, ha. Don't be so sure. 105 00:05:13,410 --> 00:05:15,500 It's more common than you think. 106 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:21,340 Trust me. It may not be mint, 107 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:21,340 but this is all my original equipment. 108 00:05:28,590 --> 00:05:31,290 So how about those Knicks, huh? 109 00:05:31,460 --> 00:05:33,830 Heh. They need a power forward. 110 00:05:35,730 --> 00:05:38,330 I ought to know, I used to be one. 111 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:43,300 And I thought the legs 112 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:43,300 were the first thing to go. 113 00:05:45,770 --> 00:05:49,970 - Dan, let me try and explain-- 114 00:05:45,770 --> 00:05:49,970 - Go away! 115 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:51,770 Dan, this is your friend. 116 00:05:51,950 --> 00:05:53,440 This is a gelding. 117 00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:57,310 My friend is in a bottle 118 00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:57,310 of formaldehyde somewhere. 119 00:06:00,990 --> 00:06:05,620 Well, it's obvious you old buddies 120 00:06:00,990 --> 00:06:05,620 have a lot to talk about, so.... 121 00:06:05,790 --> 00:06:07,760 So where's Chip? 122 00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:12,900 Ha, ha. Come on, big guy. 123 00:06:13,070 --> 00:06:17,130 Maybe I can explain it to you 124 00:06:13,070 --> 00:06:17,130 with your Cabbage Patch doll. 125 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:23,040 You know, Dan, 126 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:23,040 an old saying just occurred to me. 127 00:06:23,210 --> 00:06:26,670 Don't judge a man 128 00:06:23,210 --> 00:06:26,670 until you've walked a mile in his shoes. 129 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,950 We used to wear 130 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,950 each other's shorts, Harry. 131 00:06:31,420 --> 00:06:33,680 It needed updating. 132 00:06:35,490 --> 00:06:38,930 It's true. 133 00:06:35,490 --> 00:06:38,930 You can't judge a book by its cover. 134 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:45,930 Excuse me, I'm gonna go hang myself. 135 00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,270 You're looking well, Dan. 136 00:06:50,770 --> 00:06:54,040 Oh, you don't think 137 00:06:50,770 --> 00:06:54,040 this is too much mascara, then? 138 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,550 In case you're interested, 139 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,550 I'm very happy now. 140 00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:03,050 Why shouldn't you be? You're young, 141 00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:03,050 you're healthy, your accessories match. 142 00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:07,310 Look, I know you're having trouble 143 00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:07,310 believing this, but I had to do what I did. 144 00:07:08,790 --> 00:07:12,420 After I realized the truth about myself, 145 00:07:08,790 --> 00:07:12,420 how I always felt unnatural. 146 00:07:12,590 --> 00:07:16,190 How I always had to prove myself 147 00:07:12,590 --> 00:07:16,190 by hustling every girl I met. 148 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:17,390 I hated it. 149 00:07:18,030 --> 00:07:19,900 - You hated it? 150 00:07:18,030 --> 00:07:19,900 - Every minute. 151 00:07:20,070 --> 00:07:21,930 But you were so good at it. 152 00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:26,170 I was just one of the guys 153 00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:26,170 on the outside. 154 00:07:26,340 --> 00:07:30,940 Inside I was desperately yearning to be 155 00:07:26,340 --> 00:07:30,940 one of the girls. 156 00:07:32,650 --> 00:07:35,520 I let you watch me shower. 157 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:36,910 Dan, let me explain.... 158 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,550 There's no need to, 159 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,550 the facts reek for themselves. 160 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,380 We-- We used to be best friends. 161 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:46,020 Ugh, that's why I wanted you to share 162 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:46,020 the happiness of my wedding. 163 00:07:46,190 --> 00:07:49,130 As what? Matron of honor? 164 00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:52,170 How about flower girl? 165 00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:52,170 I am certainly the best man. 166 00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:54,330 Are you positive? 167 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:57,800 Hey! I've had every woman 168 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:57,800 in this building! 169 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:03,670 I have had stewardesses 170 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:03,670 from 14 foreign countries. 171 00:08:04,180 --> 00:08:08,240 I have had den mothers. 172 00:08:12,490 --> 00:08:13,820 Now, let's get this straight. 173 00:08:13,990 --> 00:08:16,050 He was a man, 174 00:08:13,990 --> 00:08:16,050 then found out she was a woman. 175 00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:17,820 - Right. 176 00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:17,820 - Who told her? 177 00:08:17,990 --> 00:08:21,160 - Himself. 178 00:08:17,990 --> 00:08:21,160 - Got it. 179 00:08:22,230 --> 00:08:23,820 No, I don't. 180 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:27,900 If only we had some movie 181 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:27,900 we could show him. 182 00:08:28,070 --> 00:08:30,800 I wouldn't mind seeing Old Yeller again. 183 00:08:32,670 --> 00:08:37,340 Why it doesn't say Brunswick 184 00:08:32,670 --> 00:08:37,340 across the top of his head, I'll never know. 185 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:44,650 Sir, perhaps we should send somebody 186 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:44,650 after Dan. 187 00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:47,410 - Let's give him a couple of minutes. 188 00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:47,410 - He seemed upset. 189 00:08:47,590 --> 00:08:50,490 - Well, you blame him? 190 00:08:47,590 --> 00:08:50,490 - Heh, well, no. 191 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:55,320 I suppose it would be somewhat of a shock 192 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:55,320 to find out that your old friend.... 193 00:08:56,900 --> 00:08:59,300 Grew breasts? 194 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,100 I would've said it. Eventually. 195 00:09:03,270 --> 00:09:04,600 Dan's gonna come out of this. 196 00:09:04,770 --> 00:09:07,440 I don't know about you, 197 00:09:04,770 --> 00:09:07,440 but I think that Dan is capable... 198 00:09:07,610 --> 00:09:10,140 ...of being understanding, 199 00:09:07,610 --> 00:09:10,140 compassionate and sensitive. 200 00:09:10,310 --> 00:09:15,580 Hey! Fielding's punching out 201 00:09:10,310 --> 00:09:15,580 some woman in the cafeteria. 202 00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:21,090 Of course I also thought Mondale 203 00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:21,090 was gonna carry a second state. 204 00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:22,280 Follow me. 205 00:09:25,430 --> 00:09:29,520 Move aside, coming through. Clear 206 00:09:25,430 --> 00:09:29,520 a path, coming through, coming through. 207 00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:33,490 All right, everybody move back. 208 00:09:44,950 --> 00:09:46,740 What happened? 209 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,540 He got bitchy. 210 00:09:51,890 --> 00:09:54,050 So I decked him. 211 00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:24,380 That's the guy 212 00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:24,380 who got his lights punched out by a dame. 213 00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:32,250 Dan, I swear, it's barely noticeable. 214 00:10:32,430 --> 00:10:36,260 As long as you don't mind 215 00:10:32,430 --> 00:10:36,260 wearing a sack on your head. 216 00:10:40,570 --> 00:10:43,090 - Hey, Dan. 217 00:10:40,570 --> 00:10:43,090 - How's your eye? 218 00:10:43,270 --> 00:10:44,670 I stopped the flow of blood. 219 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:48,780 I expect to do the same 220 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:48,780 with the pus that will form tomorrow. 221 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,610 Okay. 222 00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:59,920 Just so you know, 223 00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:59,920 she blinded me with some croutons. 224 00:11:00,090 --> 00:11:01,720 I couldn't see a thing. 225 00:11:01,890 --> 00:11:02,910 We understand, Dan. 226 00:11:03,090 --> 00:11:05,360 Didn't stop me from getting 227 00:11:03,090 --> 00:11:05,360 a couple of blows in. 228 00:11:05,530 --> 00:11:09,490 Oh, we saw. 229 00:11:05,530 --> 00:11:09,490 The rouge on her left cheek was a mess. 230 00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,190 Well, how about that first case, Mac? 231 00:11:12,370 --> 00:11:15,800 Uh, yes, sir, People v. MacIntire. 232 00:11:15,970 --> 00:11:21,070 The charge? 233 00:11:15,970 --> 00:11:21,070 - Indecent exposure, fifth offense. 234 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,840 I can't stop myself. 235 00:11:24,010 --> 00:11:27,010 Normally, I'm a respectable man. 236 00:11:27,180 --> 00:11:29,850 But when the tension gets me, 237 00:11:27,180 --> 00:11:29,850 I do crazy things! 238 00:11:30,020 --> 00:11:33,820 I gotta be seen, it's a sickness! 239 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,450 Sickness? 240 00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:41,060 You dare call yourself sick? 241 00:11:41,230 --> 00:11:43,260 You don't know the meaning 242 00:11:41,230 --> 00:11:43,260 of the word sick. 243 00:11:43,430 --> 00:11:47,390 I have seen sick. I have been to the top 244 00:11:43,430 --> 00:11:47,390 of the mountain of sick. 245 00:11:47,570 --> 00:11:50,160 The very pinnacle of perversion! 246 00:11:50,340 --> 00:11:53,640 On a scale of one to 10, you're a zero! 247 00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:58,700 I can do better! I swear! 248 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,150 Get ahold of your emotions, 249 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,150 Mr. Prosecutor. 250 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,410 - Yeah. Like Chip should've got ahold to his-- 251 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,410 - Recess! 252 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,220 Dan. 253 00:12:07,390 --> 00:12:09,880 Right, meet you in the woodshed. 254 00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:11,580 Bull. 255 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:20,330 I sometimes think 256 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:20,330 they should all be fixed. 257 00:12:27,740 --> 00:12:29,970 I don't understand it, Harry. 258 00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:33,910 Some things in this world 259 00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:33,910 should not be meddled with. 260 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,240 Nature. Humanity. 261 00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:38,110 - Coca-Cola. 262 00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:38,110 - Exactly. 263 00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,320 Dan. 264 00:12:43,060 --> 00:12:47,090 Did I tell you about coming home one night 265 00:12:43,060 --> 00:12:47,090 and finding a man sleeping on my porch? 266 00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:49,290 Several times. 267 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:51,830 Okay, uh, did I ever tell you... 268 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,940 ...what my grandmother's last words were 269 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,940 to me on her deathbed? 270 00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,440 "Anybody but Jessel." 271 00:12:59,170 --> 00:13:01,440 Okay, then a duck 272 00:12:59,170 --> 00:13:01,440 walks into a pharmacy, and says: 273 00:13:01,610 --> 00:13:04,600 "Give me some ChapStick 274 00:13:01,610 --> 00:13:04,600 and put it on my bill." 275 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,280 Stop it, please. 276 00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,090 I'm sorry. 277 00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:15,920 I feel so betrayed. 278 00:13:16,090 --> 00:13:20,030 Well, to tell you the absolute truth, Dan, 279 00:13:16,090 --> 00:13:20,030 I don't blame you. 280 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,420 - You don't? 281 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,420 - No. 282 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,660 I mean, so she has her life to lead, fine... 283 00:13:24,830 --> 00:13:28,060 ...but she doesn't have to come here 284 00:13:24,830 --> 00:13:28,060 and rub your face in it. 285 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,330 - Thank you. 286 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,330 - Well, I mean it. 287 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:33,870 I was thinking about it 288 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:33,870 while you were lying in the lettuce. 289 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,640 It's not fair. 290 00:13:36,810 --> 00:13:40,210 I mean, she has no right 291 00:13:36,810 --> 00:13:40,210 to lay this kind of trip on you. 292 00:13:40,380 --> 00:13:41,410 He's right. 293 00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:44,350 Oh, uh, Charlene. We-- 294 00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:44,350 We were just, uh-- 295 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,550 - Ripping me to shreds? 296 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,550 - She's got a great pair of ears. 297 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,450 And I just love her ears. 298 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,530 Somebody get me a bucket. 299 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,090 This is my fiancé, Larry. 300 00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:57,320 Hi, Larry, nice to meet you. 301 00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:57,320 Congratulations. 302 00:13:57,500 --> 00:13:59,970 You got yourself quite a little, 303 00:13:57,500 --> 00:13:59,970 uh.... 304 00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:01,530 Uh.... 305 00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:03,300 - A woman? 306 00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:03,300 - Yeah, that's the word. 307 00:14:03,470 --> 00:14:07,000 Thanks, I know. 308 00:14:03,470 --> 00:14:07,000 After Charlene, they broke the mold. 309 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,840 Too bad, 310 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,840 they could have cast him another-- 311 00:14:10,010 --> 00:14:13,070 That's Dan Fielding. 312 00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:14,980 You're Charlene's oldest friend. 313 00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:17,980 Where did you two meet? 314 00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:17,980 At a human oddities mixer? 315 00:14:19,190 --> 00:14:21,420 Dan, I came back to apologize. 316 00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:25,560 Larry, glad you showed up. 317 00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:25,560 I need a second opinion. 318 00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:27,820 I got this fascinating wood grain 319 00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:27,820 on my bench. 320 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,460 Looks just like Mount Rushmore. 321 00:14:29,630 --> 00:14:32,500 But instead of Lincoln, 322 00:14:29,630 --> 00:14:32,500 it looks like Telly Savalas. Here. 323 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,830 Dan, I-- I am sorry. 324 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,630 Too late. You should have gotten 325 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,630 the money-back guarantee. 326 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:45,980 Not for what I did to myself, 327 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:45,980 but for what I did to you. 328 00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:51,840 They told me not to expect anybody 329 00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:51,840 to accept it. 330 00:14:52,020 --> 00:14:54,750 They were right. 331 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:59,760 Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. 332 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:59,760 You remember standing up? 333 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:05,530 - Dan, I always loved you. 334 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:05,530 - You take that back. 335 00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:09,400 Not as a woman loves a man, 336 00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:09,400 but as a friend loves a friend. 337 00:15:09,570 --> 00:15:12,010 Chip was my friend, not you. 338 00:15:12,170 --> 00:15:14,340 To me, he was a god, a king. 339 00:15:14,510 --> 00:15:19,110 Well, the king is dead, 340 00:15:14,510 --> 00:15:19,110 long live the queen. 341 00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:24,680 Okay. I won't bother you anymore. 342 00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:30,490 It was nice seeing you again. 343 00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:30,490 Maybe we'll run into each other sometime. 344 00:15:30,660 --> 00:15:34,620 Yeah, who knows, maybe next time you'll 345 00:15:30,660 --> 00:15:34,620 be something from the animal kingdom. 346 00:15:38,330 --> 00:15:39,890 I never meant to hurt you, Dan. 347 00:15:40,070 --> 00:15:42,430 You lied to me, damn it! 348 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,770 You took all of those years of sharing, 349 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,770 of camaraderie... 350 00:15:45,940 --> 00:15:49,840 ...of listening to my most private thoughts 351 00:15:45,940 --> 00:15:49,840 and then said, "Just kidding!" 352 00:15:50,010 --> 00:15:52,850 Don't you understand yet, you idiot? 353 00:15:53,010 --> 00:15:54,950 I never lied to you back then. 354 00:15:56,420 --> 00:16:00,050 I never knew myself. 355 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,200 Boy, that is some dish. 356 00:16:11,730 --> 00:16:13,600 She used to be a man. 357 00:16:15,340 --> 00:16:17,270 What's your point? 358 00:16:19,870 --> 00:16:23,310 Yeah. What is your point? 359 00:16:26,650 --> 00:16:28,010 Okay, Bull... 360 00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:31,580 ...what do Renee Richards, 361 00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:31,580 Christine Jorgensen... 362 00:16:31,750 --> 00:16:35,310 ...and Myra Breckinridge 363 00:16:31,750 --> 00:16:35,310 all have in common? 364 00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:40,850 They're all people I've never heard of. 365 00:16:42,030 --> 00:16:43,790 Next. 366 00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:44,990 Okay. 367 00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:50,730 Once upon a time there was a mommy bird 368 00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:50,730 and a daddy bird. 369 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:56,370 And one day the daddy bird decided 370 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:56,370 that he wanted to be a mommy bird. 371 00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:59,810 So he flew all the way to Sweden... 372 00:16:59,980 --> 00:17:04,980 ...to a special clinic 373 00:16:59,980 --> 00:17:04,980 where they changed things. 374 00:17:06,420 --> 00:17:08,120 What things? 375 00:17:09,290 --> 00:17:10,660 Next. 376 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,860 The story about you 377 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,860 and the Rumplemeyer sisters that night... 378 00:17:16,030 --> 00:17:17,560 ...that was all made up? 379 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,970 I never even showed up for the date. 380 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,170 But the part on the Ferris wheel? 381 00:17:24,140 --> 00:17:26,400 Heh. I didn't want to let you down. 382 00:17:26,570 --> 00:17:28,670 Every time I went out to prove myself... 383 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:31,540 ...I came back with more doubts 384 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:31,540 than ever before. 385 00:17:31,710 --> 00:17:33,980 We all have doubts, 386 00:17:31,710 --> 00:17:33,980 we don't run out to surgery... 387 00:17:34,150 --> 00:17:37,380 ...every time we don't spring 388 00:17:34,150 --> 00:17:37,380 into action right away. 389 00:17:38,020 --> 00:17:39,990 Ha, ha. That's funny. 390 00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:42,090 Yeah, it put you in stitches, didn't it? 391 00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:49,030 Dan. Ha, ha. 392 00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:49,030 Dan, I did lie to you back then. 393 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,090 Once. 394 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,560 Remember the night 395 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,560 after our senior finals? 396 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,900 We got drunk and threw up 397 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,900 all over that statue of Betsy Ross. 398 00:18:02,110 --> 00:18:04,870 And I wound up crying in your arms 399 00:18:02,110 --> 00:18:04,870 that night, didn't I? 400 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:12,620 I think I told you that Debbie Kramer 401 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:12,620 dumped me for that jock at Delta Pi... 402 00:18:12,790 --> 00:18:14,050 ...and broke my heart. 403 00:18:14,620 --> 00:18:19,820 It was, um, really this, um, 404 00:18:14,620 --> 00:18:19,820 plumbing business thing? 405 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,450 That's when I started 406 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,450 to put things together. 407 00:18:23,630 --> 00:18:26,730 Started to understand 408 00:18:23,630 --> 00:18:26,730 what was happening to me. 409 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,970 I almost told you that night. 410 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,070 Why didn't you? 411 00:18:32,910 --> 00:18:36,400 Right, I would've gouged out my eyes. 412 00:18:36,580 --> 00:18:38,310 Maybe, maybe not. 413 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,510 But if there was anybody 414 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,510 I could've told in the world that night... 415 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:43,880 ...it would have been you. 416 00:18:45,650 --> 00:18:48,350 Anyway, it was just as comforting. 417 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:52,290 I was your friend, I was in pain, 418 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:52,290 somehow you had to ease it. 419 00:18:52,460 --> 00:18:54,360 And you did. Heh. 420 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:59,160 You convinced your buddy 421 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:59,160 that everything was gonna be all right. 422 00:19:01,170 --> 00:19:03,360 You came here tonight to...? 423 00:19:04,370 --> 00:19:06,270 To say thank you. 424 00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:12,510 Thank you. 425 00:19:21,090 --> 00:19:23,420 Take care of yourself, Dan. 426 00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:29,160 Wait a minute, 427 00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:29,160 just hold on a minute here. 428 00:19:30,060 --> 00:19:33,130 About this Larry geek.... 429 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,200 A little old for you, isn't he? 430 00:19:44,610 --> 00:19:46,240 Charlene was a man. 431 00:19:46,410 --> 00:19:48,380 Uh-huh. 432 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,150 Then had an operation. 433 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,380 Uh-huh. 434 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,420 And now he's a heterosexual! 435 00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:06,730 But that linebacker, that big guy, 436 00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:06,730 he used to be in our dorm... 437 00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:09,340 ...he turned out to be gay. Ha-ha-ha. 438 00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:11,910 Right. 439 00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:16,400 Uh, sorry for the delay, sir. 440 00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:18,670 All right, 441 00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:18,670 you guys had a lot to talk about. 442 00:20:18,850 --> 00:20:22,840 Memories to savor. Years to catch up on. 443 00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:26,180 Cut the courtesy, 444 00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:26,180 what the hell happened? 445 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:28,710 Tsk, well... 446 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,290 ...it's settled. 447 00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:35,860 What was, was. 448 00:20:36,530 --> 00:20:37,550 What is... 449 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,430 ...is. 450 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,200 Oh, that clears it all up. 451 00:20:44,770 --> 00:20:47,740 I just want to ask one question. 452 00:20:53,180 --> 00:20:55,480 What kind of bike do you ride? 453 00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,380 Bull. 454 00:20:58,850 --> 00:21:02,480 - Go call Dr. Ruth. 455 00:20:58,850 --> 00:21:02,480 - Right. 456 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,890 Well, we'll see you 457 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,890 at the wedding, of course. 458 00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:10,330 Uh, of course. 459 00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:13,090 Although I have no idea 460 00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:13,090 what to get you as a gift. 461 00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:16,900 I'm registered at Bloomingdale's. 462 00:21:19,970 --> 00:21:23,070 I never thought I'd hear you say that. 463 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,750 Goodbye, Dan. 464 00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:29,980 Goodbye, Ch-- Uh.... 465 00:21:30,150 --> 00:21:32,420 --arlene. 466 00:21:39,190 --> 00:21:40,890 Be gentle. 467 00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:50,040 - Well? 468 00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:50,040 - Well what? 469 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:54,510 Doesn't this outfit just cry out for pearls? 470 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,840 Not tonight, I have a headache. 471 00:22:07,390 --> 00:22:11,160 Guilty, innocent. Guilty, innocent. 472 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:14,260 Guilty, guilty, guilty. 473 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,400 Yo. 474 00:22:18,370 --> 00:22:22,330 - May I come in, sir? 475 00:22:18,370 --> 00:22:22,330 - Anytime, my giant friend. 476 00:22:24,610 --> 00:22:26,010 Bull, you look confused. 477 00:22:27,610 --> 00:22:29,540 Still? 478 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,880 This is anatomically correct. 479 00:22:38,050 --> 00:22:41,320 For some of us, maybe. 480 00:22:41,490 --> 00:22:44,790 Now, what happened to Chip? 481 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:05,740 Oh, my God. 482 00:23:08,750 --> 00:23:10,510 It kind of reminds you how you felt... 483 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,240 ...when you found out 484 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,240 about the Easter Bunny, huh? 485 00:23:14,890 --> 00:23:16,950 What about the Easter Bunny? 29207

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