Original subtitles

Hi, Mario. It's Judge Stone.

Yeah, I'd like to place an order.

Mm-hm.

I'm gonna need a dozen slimy tongues--

Hi, Mac.

I'll need a couple of severed limbs,

some bloodshot eyes...

...and the hairy rodent variety pack.

Uh-huh. Thank you. Great, bye.

Court dockets for you to sign, sir.

You wanna know

what I was talking about?

What I don't know

they can't make me testify about.

Mac, it's only four days

till my Halloween party.

Oh, yeah, and the place is abuzz.

Is it really? Huh?

Are they all as excited as I am?

No, he can't make me go.

I don't care what he does.

He can't make me do it.

Oh, definitely, sir.

- Just talking about the big bash. Heh.

- So I gather.

I was just about to explain

the games to them.

- The games?

- Oh, yes.

We have Pin the Tail on Barry Manilow.

Supreme Court-Opinion Charades.

And my personal favorite,

bobbing for anchovies.

I made them up myself.

Sir, I finished my pumpkin.

Bull, it looks like

you just punched it with your fist.

I did.

Why didn't you use a knife, Bull?

Hey, what a great idea.

Sir, you wanted to see us.

Uh, yeah, I did.

It's about the costume competition.

Now, as we all know...

...last year one of us chose to come

as a member of the moral majority.

This will not happen again.

Especially if we all

wanna keep our parking spaces.

Class dismissed.

Well, you ready to start?

Couple of minutes, Mac.

I gotta sort my snakes.

- Snakes?

- Yeah, here look.

It's rubber.

You lucky

he hasn't unpacked the live ones yet.

Lethal, non-lethal. Lethal, non-lethal.

Lethal, non-lethal. Lethal, non-lethal.

- Are they breeding?

- Uh, no, I'm just sorting--

Hello.

Who are you?

Kimberley. Kimberley Daniels.

My friends call me Kim.

Harry. Harry Stone.

My friends call me Shecky.

I gotta get new friends.

- Uh, listen--

- Let's cut out the formality. Huh?

What can I do to make you

fall hopelessly in love with me?

Direct me to traffic court.

Ah.

That would be down the hall,

take the stairs, three flights down.

Or you could take the less-traveled

more scenic route by way of Tahiti.

Be glad to show you that one myself.

If we hurry, we could make it in time

for the fertility festival.

Come on.

I'll spring for the passport photos.

This could be the start

of a beautiful friendship.

Oh, one-- One second, excuse me.

All set.

Tonight's docket, in case he shows up.

They've only known each other four days.

Don't they ever separate?

Are you kidding? They've done everything

except sew their bodies together.

I was wrong.

They've sewn their bodies together.

- Oh, Harry. That was unbelievable.

- I told you you're a fast learner.

- You took those stairs like a pro.

- Yeah.

Good evening, Your Honor, Miss Daniels.

I swear, I just had one of the most

incredible experiences of my life!

Little nooner at the Hung Jury motel.

Oh, Dan.

I believe the lady was referring

to our buggy ride in Central Park.

Some people have class.

It was a baby buggy.

We both squeezed in.

Harry brought the champagne

and then:

Koochie-koochie-koo!

Everybody's kinky...

...except you.

Uh, mm.

Quick impression: Robinson Crusoe

seeing you after 20 years alone.

Oh, Harry, about your party tomorrow.

- I may be a little late.

- Oh, that's okay.

Anticipation makes me wild.

Wonderful, heh.

Blegh!

Excuse me.

- Hey, happy Halloween, Christine.

- Hey, Bull. Happy Halloween.

Would you help me finish this,

Christine?

Sure, Bull. Come on.

I wonder what color we should dye it.

Bull, you dye Easter eggs.

Exclusively?

I've been hiding them too.

Now, let me get this straight again.

Every year, parents dress up

their children like monsters...

...and send them into the streets

begging for candy.

Right. Right.

And if they don't get what they want...

...they can do something

really horrible to you.

Right.

Hi, Mac. Hi, Quon Le.

Happy Halloween.

Give me some candy

or you'll never see your family alive again.

Heh. Uh, we're having a little trouble

with the concept.

Hey, I'm a reporter.

I could tell by the tie.

Yeah.

A man once hung himself with it.

I don't blame him.

Hank Mire, The Globe.

Dan Fielding. Same address.

"Same address." I like that.

Listen, I used to go over

the People section of the paper, all right?

Now, you happen to run across

any tower killers...

...or any really colorful psychopaths,

I'd appreciate you giving me a call.

Number's on the card.

"1-800-CADAVER"?

Operators are standing by.

All rise.

Criminal Court, Part Two

is now in session.

The Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

Come on, gang. Pull up a bench.

So you all set

for the big hoedown, huh?

- All set, sir.

- I love it.

Suck up.

First case, sir.

Disturbing the peace

and destroying public property.

What, some little, uh, Halloween

prank go awry?

No, sir, the charge is building a bonfire

in public property...

...while dancing robustly

through Central Park.

- Sounds kinky.

It's not.

Kim?

You with her?

Well, this is crazy.

There's gotta be

some simple explanation.

There is.

I'm a witch.

Um--

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Harry, I'm sorry

you had to find out like this.

Am I on Bloopers?

Your Honor.

Ed? Dick?

- Where are you crazy nuts?

- Harry.

It's no joke.

Come on, you're a witch?

What was it really? What?

So a family barbecue?

Family barbecue?

What do we look like,

the Lennon sisters?

And this is...?

Uh, Edna Sneer, Your Honor.

Uh, Miss Sneer also has an additional

charge of indecent exposure.

Hey, you dance around a bonfire,

you work up a sweat.

You were dancing naked?

Interested?

Over my dead body.

Shall we say, eightish?

Kim, tell me it's a joke.

I'm sorry, Harry.

Hold this over for the next court.

We'll take a five.

Sir?

Sir, are you all right?

You bowl 12 straight games with someone

you think you know them.

I'm sorry, sir.

It came as a shock to all of us.

She seemed so human.

I mean, she didn't say she was Godzilla.

She just said she's a....

A witch.

Well, are you sure she isn't?

Did anybody dump a bucket

of water on her, see if she'd melt?

You're missing the point.

Just her saying so is big trouble.

Do you realize the implications

of a self-proclaimed witch...

...going out with a municipal court judge?

If anyone were to find out,

you'd be removed from the bench.

- Well, no one has to find out.

- Sir.

No, we could-- We could meet

in cabins in the woods.

Stone, I am your friend

and I'm here to help you, so listen.

You have to make a choice between

someone you've known a few days...

...and your entire career.

Your very life depends on it.

Thank you, Mary Lou Retton.

In your heart, you know I'm right.

Yeah.

- Judge Stone?

- Mm-hm.

Mario Eisenhower,

Ike's Novelty Company.

I got your comedy body parts here.

Oh, yeah. Put them down anywhere.

Right. Okay.

Now, let me see.

We got your legs, we got your arms,

we got your assorted internal organs here.

Oh, no.

Look at this, will you?

Your heart is broken.

You can kiss the tip goodbye, Mario.

No, no. I need the costume tonight.

Yes, yes, something tasteful,

conservative.

Say, the Roman Emperor Caligula.

Two hundred dollars?

For some sandals and a sheet?

All right, let's lay the cards on the table.

What can I get for $19.95?

What's a Smurf?

Imagine your cat

threw up a fur ball that talked.

I think not.

Trick or treat, Your Honor.

Hi.

Hi.

So you cast any good spells lately?

Sure, all the time.

You got somebody

you want turned into a toadstool?

Edna.

Did you see what I did to Pia Zadora?

Edna, would you please shut up?

Don't listen to her, Harry.

It's not like it was in the old days.

There aren't any bubbling caldrons

and broomsticks.

Kim, listen to me. We've got to talk.

- I don't care....

- Sir.

There's a sleazy reporter

on his way here.

- How sleazy?

- He drives a convertible hearse.

- Got it. Guard, let her out.

Where are we going?

We'll go to my office. Come on.

Sir, he's coming in.

May I?

- Your Honor. Ha-ha-ha.

- Hi.

Uh-- Uh, bag lady.

Yes, yes, yes.

I know it's Halloween night.

I have tried every store in town.

You must have something left.

- Dan?

- Those damn Smurfs again.

Hey, Dan, I just, uh....

No need to explain, Harry.

I've had to do it a few times myself.

- I'll keep an eye out for Mire, sir.

- Thank you, Bull.

Are you really a witch?

Okay.

Not bad. What was that?

A flash paper thing

from the magic store, huh?

It wasn't a trick, Harry.

Okay, it wasn't a trick.

So do you want a eye-of-newt,

toe-of-frog sandwich, huh?

- Harry.

- Some folks louse it up with mayonnaise.

That's funny. I thought I left

my mystic sports coat at the cleaners.

Harry, would you please

pay attention for a minute?

You really believe you're a witch, right?

It's not what I believe...

...it's what I am.

What I've always been.

Well, you wanna know what I believe?

I believe that you are the best thing

that has happened to me in a long time.

And I'm gonna fight like hell

before I even think about giving you up.

Oh, Harry.

- Hello, hello, hello.

- Aah, aah!

Cough, cough. Harder, harder.

I think she's gonna be okay.

A little kaiser roll in the windpipe.

Had to do the Heimlich maneuver.

I thought the Heimlich maneuver

was applied from the other side?

Uh, well, it was a-- A crisis. I panicked.

Your Honor,

that reporter is standing right there.

Thank you for that update,

Miss Sullivan.

What's going on in here?

Yeah, I was just wondering

the same thing.

Heh, a judge, a witch

and this mysterious kaiser roll.

Kaiser roll?

It's a long story. It involves phlegm.

You wouldn't wanna hear it.

- I would.

- Hit the street, Mire.

Well, I'd hate to leave

without getting all the facts.

I mean, a judge and a witch

in a compromising position.

I'd hate to speculate.

- Listen, you--

- Let's tell him everything, Harry.

Come on, spill it. I can take shorthand.

You want the dirt, right?

I love that word.

Will sand do?

That's where Harry and I first met.

In a sandbox.

I love it already.

His sister was in my second grade class.

Second grade class.

Second grade class?

You said you wanted the truth,

didn't you?

Yeah, well, not if it's boring.

And one day Harry forgot his lunch money,

so I loaned him some.

Now he's just returning the favor.

Giving me a little free legal advice.

Just friends helping friends.

Friends helping friends?

This is depressing.

Yeah, it is depressing.

Because I enjoyed our visit.

And who knows when we'll ever see

each other again? Heh.

Look, I got a deadline

in a couple of hours.

Can't you slap him

with a paternity suit or something? Huh?

- Come on, Mire.

- Huh?

I'll take you to men's detention.

There's a guy

who thinks he's Joan Crawford.

No kidding.

Don't mention the book.

He's still bitter.

Uh, do you want me to take her back

down to Holding?

Give us a couple of minutes, huh, Flo?

Fine.

I'll be here in the hall

waxing my legs.

That was close.

Don't suppose I could ask you

to give up witchcraft?

Harry, it's not my hobby.

It's my life.

I could never ask you to give up your life.

And I could never ask you

to give up yours.

I lied. Give up your life.

I can't.

- Happy Halloween?

- Right.

- Bye, Harry.

- Bye, Kim.

Suppose--

Suppose you walk out one night...

...and there was this message

blazing across the sky...

...or there's a burning bush

and it's got my name on it.

You'd be the first one I'd call.

Fine.

Just as long as we're clear on that.

So, what do you think?

Hey, Bull, do you hear that music?

It sounds just like....

The Velvet Fog.

Not the real thing

but an incredible simulation.

You better be smiling under that.

I am.

Liar.

Sir, I don't wanna be nosy.

You were saying?

Sir, you've got to forget her.

I know how much she meant,

but you've got to put her out of your mind.

You're right, Miss Sullivan.

And that costume really helps a lot.

Could-- Could we make this fast?

I gotta go home and change

for a costume party after this.

Excuse me.

Uh, anybody want punch?

Yeah, Bull, I'll have some.

How did he know it was me?

You played hockey before

the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you?

Happy?

Well, I guess

he isn't such a bad egg after all.

Is everybody hungry for pumpkin pizza?

Great costume, Quon Le. Why a spider?

Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme?

"Along came a spider

and sat down beside her...

...and frightened Miss Muffett away."

The first person

to touch my tuffet dies.