Original subtitles

Guess who.

All right, you creep, hands off.

- Argh, Christine, he's snapping my neck.

- Bull, let him go.

It's my father.

Oh, sorry. It's the '80s. I've been edgy.

Daddy, are you all right?

I'm okay.

- What's his problem?

- Didn't you read?

They found him up north buried in the ice

along with that dinosaur that leveled Tokyo.

Oh, now I remember. They're all nuts.

Hey, Mr. Sullivan, how you been?

Good to see you.

Harry Stone. Hi.

Especially that one.

- Sir, take a seat. Sorry.

- Yes, Dad.

Well, I don't have much time.

I'm just here meeting somebody.

Meeting who?

Uh, a woman. I have a date tonight.

- You got a date?

- Christine, please sit down.

Daddy, you got a date?

Kids.

Oh, Daddy, I'm so happy for you.

Christina, please.

Yeah, don't waste good saliva

on a relative.

What is the reason

for this fiesta of affection here?

- Tell him.

- None of his business.

- It's his first date in eight years.

- I guess I was wrong.

Ah, don't worry about it.

We're the sensitive, understanding types.

- Yeah, I got your sensitivity right here.

- Daddy, don't be so touchy.

Sometimes you have to share

your personal life with other human beings.

You haven't been with a woman

in eight years?

You notice I use the term

"human beings."

Ha, ha, you haven't been

with a woman in eight years?

What is it to you?

Nothing.

Just remember how Dorothy

found the Tin Man.

Jack, there you are.

I get off about 10 and I brought clothes

so you can just pick me up here, okay?

- Fine.

- Till then?

Yeah, right.

Daddy, she can't be

more than 30 years old.

- Hmm.

- Uh, better ask the Wizard for two hearts.

If you make it to the Emerald City,

you're gonna need them.

This court finds the defendant guilty

of assault, three days suspended.

And, Mrs. Longo, remember...

...we all want Springsteen tickets

just as much as you do.

But next time,

wait in line like everyone else...

...don't try to break in with a lead cane.

Flo.

Psst, psst.

Psst, psst, psst.

Uh, sir, if I could have just a minute?

It's a little early for a recess.

Psst, psst, psst.

But since we do have

a life-threatening emergency here.

- Ten minutes.

Thank you, sir.

Psst, psst....

Our dollars could have prevented

that tragedy.

Oh, Daddy.

- I forgot how.

- Give me this.

- Stand still.

- I can't. I'm nervous.

It's the first time I been out

since your mother died.

Well, I think it's terrific.

It's about time

you started seeing someone.

Thank God your mother's not alive

to hear that.

Oh, daddy, stop feeling guilty.

You're just looking for companionship.

After all, it's been eight years.

I could have waited an even decade.

There.

Are you sure you wanna

wear a tux to dinner tonight?

Your mother always liked me in a tux.

You're not going out

with Mama tonight, Daddy.

What's that supposed to mean?

Go for the gold.

Oh, I get it.

- Daddy.

- I'm nervous.

- I know, I know. Just think "bicycle."

- What?

I know this sound silly, but going out with

a woman tonight is like riding a bicycle.

Once you learn how,

you never forget.

Oh, yeah.

- I guess you're right.

- Yeah.

Hello, Jack.

Oh.

I just never had a 10-speed before.

May I say, you look absolutely lovely.

Well, thank you. And so do you.

Ooh, I love a man in a tux.

So did my dead wife.

You're gonna have oodles of fun.

All rise.

Be seated.

I'm sorry, I'm late.

Ready to go, sir.

- Everything all right, Miss Sullivan?

- No, sir, it's not.

It's my father.

You have to lace up his shoes

for him this morning? Ha, ha.

This isn't a laughing matter, Dan.

I called his landlady,

Dad didn't come home last night.

- Maybe he got sick.

- Maybe he got in an accident.

Maybe he got lucky.

Well, it was either me or Dan,

I figured you'd rather hear it from me.

Oh, come on, Miss Sullivan,

your dad's a big boy.

I'm sure he's fine.

Aren't you the one who was concerned

he wasn't getting enough companionship?

Sorry, sir.

It's just it never occurred to me...

...that there was really

a chance he might get....

Go ahead, I dare you.

Temporary lodgings.

I love it when you get wordy.

How about we get on

with the proceedings?

- Mac?

- Yeah.

Uh, first case, Your Honor,

People v. Everybody...

...in Grammercy Apartment Building

on 53rd and Madison.

What's the charge?

Indecent exposure.

Invading people's privacy,

that's what's indecent.

Uh, Your Honor, all of these

are residents of what is, uh, termed...

...a "clothing-optional" building.

- Oh, they're nudists.

- No.

That's an archaic term

that conjures up images...

...of airbrushed families

playing volleyball in the sun.

We...are naturalists.

We...are within our rights.

They...were in the buffski.

On the roof, in clear view

of six other buildings.

We were all just minding our own business

when the police helicopter landed.

Somebody tell me

the part about the helicopter?

I will, Your Honor.

- And you are?

- Angela.

Right.

You're with them?

- You don't wear....

- A thing.

Except when I'm playing tennis.

I mean, you have to use sneakers.

Otherwise, you get no suction.

Hose him down if you have to, Mac.

The building is a co-op...

...and the tenants have incorporated

as a clothing-optional dwelling.

Yeah, refresh my memory, counselor...

...what they do inside is their business...

...what they do outside is ours.

But the sun is outside.

Can you imagine what our air conditioning

bills would be like if it weren't?

Court finds the defendants

guilty as charged.

Fifty-dollar fine, suspended.

Just don't do it again, okay, people?

They found us guilty of nudity.

And in the naked city yet.

Talk about your irony.

- What do we got next, Mac?

- More sex, sir.

I sense a theme.

Yeah, we got some prostitution

and some soliciting of a prostitute.

And as the prostitute?

Tonight starring Mary Jankowitz,

alias Easy Mary.

Hi, Easy.

Oh, ha, ha, pleased to meet you.

The pleasure's all mine.

Ah, ha, ha. It could be.

Not for all the tea in--

And charged

with patronizing a prostitute...

...Jack Sullivan, alias--

Alias Christine's father.

Daddy. What happened?

I got caught with a hooker.

Parents say the darndest things,

don't they?

- Mac, get the arrest report on this one, huh?

- Yes, sir.

You were right, Jack,

she does have your eyes.

I'll have your eyes.

Whoa, Zsa Zsa.

You ever see Cat People?

Miss Sullivan, I can understand why you'd

find this situation a little upsetting but--

A little upsetting?

Getting a run in your pantyhose

is a little upsetting.

This is like choking on your own vomit!

Hey.

I got family here tonight.

Yeah. Boo-hoo.

Miss Sullivan.

Miss Sullivan, you do know that I'm gonna

have to disqualify you from this case.

You don't have to teach me

the law, buster.

Uh, I'll be passing out copies of her résumé

during the recess.

What are you, nuts?

I do not wish to discuss it, Christine.

You do not wish to discuss it?

Flo, Bull, take the two down the holding.

We're gonna have to continue

your case until the next shift.

Take a short recess.

Sir, there's about a dozen

naked people in your office.

Let's make that a long recess.

If you'll excuse me...

...I'll be in my office.

She doesn't have an office.

- Your Honor.

- I suppose you're gonna bring up...

- ...the naked people in my office.

- Yes, sir. It was on my mind.

It's that group from the clothing-optional

building that was here a few minutes ago.

They're staging a protest.

All of them?

She's in there too, Dan.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

- Well?

- You got a new rug, didn't you?

Excuse me, Flo.

Um, I'll get some bandages.

In case they start sticking to the leather.

Hello, Your Honor.

Look at me.

If I'm not out in five minutes...

...give me a half an hour.

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

- Hello.

- Hello.

So, what's new?

"There is no new thing under the sun."

That's from Ecclesiastes.

Yeah, where the hell were you last night?

That's from me.

- I don't wanna discuss it.

- You don't wanna discuss it?

Daddy, look, I wanna discuss it.

I'm not trying to pry, Daddy,

but I am the only family you've got...

...and I care about what happens to you.

Stop. I'm getting dizzy!

Daddy, look,

whatever happened last night...

...no matter how sickening or disgusting,

it's your business.

- But--

- But you're just curious.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. Yes, I am!

Christina...

...I love you

more than anything else in the world...

...but this is none of your business.

Okay.

I'll leave you alone then.

I've seen that look before.

Joan Crawford, Queen Bee.

Yvonne Craig, Mars Needs Women.

Oh.

Oh, judge, you are a real card.

Well, thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Sleeves.

- I beg your pardon?

That's why there's no really great

naked magicians.

Oh, Yes, sir. You want me to call the police

and have these people arrested?

Oh, why bother? They'll probably

just get bored and leave on their own, huh?

Sir, may I?

Dan, I know.

You've been training

your whole life for this moment.

I will give you my car.

Go ahead, see if you can talk

a little sense into them.

If we lack evidence later,

don't come crying to me.

Come on in. We're just hanging out.

So you are.

- Here you go, Mac.

- Oh, thanks, Bull.

- I thought you hated the new Coke.

- Oh, it's not for me.

Anyway, Mr. Fielding...

...that's how to jump real high

for those overhead shots.

Yeah, okay.

Thanks, kids. See you later.

Now, Mac.

I owe you.

Your Honor, I just don't understand it.

My father has never had a secret from me

in my whole life.

Well, that could be, but--

But on the other hand, if he did,

you wouldn't have known about it, right?

What's your point?

Well, we all keep secrets.

Everybody needs a little privacy.

Discretion is a better part of valor.

Stuff like that.

I think my father's right.

I think you're all nuts.

We do our best.

I just bought lunch for our regular scum.

Petty cash owes me.

What happened?

We held a little taste test

that got out of hand.

Never mind.

- Let's go.

- What the hell's going on?

I don't know.

I'm just the muscle on this one.

- Your Honor?

- I couldn't think of anything else to do.

I just wanted to hear what happened.

I'm curious as to what happened myself.

Marjorie.

Listen, about last night,

I'd really like to talk about it.

You really wanna talk about it?

You really wanna talk

about what happened last night?

Uh, maybe this isn't the right place.

Oh, don't mind us.

Go ahead, spill your guts.

What you did to me last night,

no man has ever done to me before.

Wait a minute.

This is my father you're talking about.

Not some two-bit hustler off the street.

What did you do to her last night?

I'll tell you what he did.

He deserted me, that's what he did.

We were having dinner, he got up,

he walked out, he never came back.

He left me stuck with the bill.

Ninety-five dollars.

Yeah, well,

at least he dumped you in a nice place.

Marjorie, I'd like to try to explain.

Good night, Jack.

Marjorie, listen to me.

I really wanted us to have a good time

last night, I really did.

There I was in a glamorous restaurant

with an extremely beautiful girl at my side--

So you decided to leave. How romantic.

Marjorie, I'm afraid I left

long before I walked out.

All those confused?

This doesn't make sense.

Have you ever heard

an old song on the radio...

...that reminded you

of a particular time in your life?

Or a taste or a smell

that reminded you of a specific moment?

Sure. I have.

Please, go on.

- Yes, I suppose--

- Oh, it's happened to all of us.

And it happened to me last night.

I heard some glasses clink.

Some glasses clink.

Great. He had a fever.

That explains everything.

I know. I know it sounds silly...

...but when we were sitting there

talking last night...

...I heard some glasses clink...

...and I remembered a night,

a long time ago.

It was in the first apartment

that Linda and I had after we were married.

We had just had dinner,

something fried, I think.

She fried

just about everything back then.

I remember I was sitting in the living room

listening to a baseball game on the radio.

Linda was in the kitchen

doing the dishes.

And as I sat there, being lulled to sleep

by the radio announcer's voice...

...I heard the glasses clink

as she washed them.

And I remembered I felt warm

and happy and content.

It was as though she had clinked them

together, you know, on purpose...

...as a signal, maybe,

just to let me know she was there.

Just to let me know she cared.

That's funny, isn't it?

After all the good times, all the bad times

during 35 years of marriage...

...I remember some glasses clinking.

I'm just not ready yet.

Anybody got any Tums?

I can't help it.

I get emotional, I get gas.

Well, listen, maybe when you are ready...

...we'll just take it slowly, okay?

"Slowly."

What a romantic adverb.

Till later.

Oh, Daddy.

Well, come on, gang,

we gotta go and, uh....

Get those naked people

out of your office.

Right.

You two take care.

And, uh, Mr. Sullivan,

remember you're still under arrest...

- ...so don't wander off or anything.

- Yes, sir.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Stay away from that nut, Christine.

Oh, daddy, ha, ha.

Now tell me about that hooker.

Well, after I left Marjorie,

I wandered around for hours...

...and I ended up in an all-night diner.

That's where I ran into Mary.

Been a while since I'd seen her.

- Tsk, Daddy.

- High school to be exact.

We were in the same class.

That's where she got the name Easy.

She was voted most likely to.

Most likely to what?

That was it, "most likely to."

I love you, Daddy.

I love you too, peaches.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you for helping us.

You made the right decision. Thank you.

Barn door open there.

Thank you.

Thank you all. Thank you very much.

- Thank you. Good night, Angela.

- Good night.

Ah, thanks for the workout, Dan.

I swear, I don't think anybody's

ever made me jog in place...

...for so long in my whole life.

No pain, no gain.

Mr. Lollar.

I'll never leave.

Not until our cause

is sung across the land.

Also, I wanna finish watching this movie.

Mr. Lollar, it's after 2 a.m. If you could--

Oh, look, it's over.

You made me miss the ending.

Mr. Lollar.

Mr. Lollar, this really isn't necessary.

What so proudly we hail

Some of us more than others.