Original subtitles

I cannot believe this article

on tax shelters.

It says the IRS will let you invest

in anything...

...from race horses to windmills

to bull semen.

I gave blood...

...that's as far as it goes.

Could we possibly talk about

something other than bodily fluids?

Sure. Who's the bimbo in red?

Her name is Sheila.

She's new in the Records Department.

And from what I understand,

she's a pretty tough customer.

Say no more.

She thinks you're a jerk.

We haven't even met.

It's not a prerequisite.

Sheila?

- Yes?

- Dan Fielding, assistant district attorney.

- Is there some kind of trouble, Mr. Fielding?

- No. Ha-ha-ha.

No, no, no.

I heard you're new...

...and I was wondering if you would like

to get the inside scoop from an old hand.

What is it you really want?

Well, how about, say, dinner at Sardi's,

maybe catch Bobbie Short at the Carlyle?

I think all you're really interested in

is sex.

I assure you that my intentions

are completely ethical.

I am emphatically not some

sort of a beast on the prowl...

...for meaningless, primitive sex.

Too bad.

I respect honesty in a person.

All I'm really interested in is sex.

You are spineless and desperate.

All the qualities I look for in a man.

Meet me at midnight.

Midnight? Midnight.

Yes, midnight, that's good.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- My address?

- Yes, that too.

And don't be late.

I punish for tardiness.

- So?

- Red or white wine?

- To go with?

- Humiliation.

- Red.

- Thought so.

Do you realize

how late I'm going to get to Sheila's?

What's she gonna do, spank you?

Jealous?

Of a tawdry one-night stand? Please.

What's it gonna

leave you with tomorrow?

God forbid something lasting should develop.

What would you do then?

Take these.

- What's next, Mac?

- Slotkin, Leonard.

Breaking and entering,

grand theft larceny.

Where I come from,

we don't have any courts or jails...

...or police officers, or even any laws.

Jersey. Been there.

Mr. Prosecutor.

Mr. Slotkin broke into

an electronics supply store...

...and stole $600 worth of equipment.

Tubes, transistors, cables,

that sort of thing.

Well, Mr. Slotkin, hello, how are you?

I'm sick, I'm dying.

I'm being slowly poisoned...

...by the oxygen concentration

of your atmosphere.

Not an oxygen kind of guy,

eh, Mr. Slotkin?

I can take it for short periods of time...

...but my system is used

to methane and ammonia.

- He's from New Jersey.

- I'm not from New Jersey!

I'm from Saturn.

Aha.

You know, I had a john once

who claimed he was a Martian.

Came down to Earth

to conquer the human race, right?

Convention.

Sir, my client has been examined

by a physician...

...and found to be in perfect health.

Physically.

Mr. Slotkin?

Your medical technology is insufficient.

My system is too complex

for your archaic diagnostic tools.

He ate his stethoscope.

That's why I took

the electronics components.

I am trying to fashion a transmitter

so that I can call back home to Saturn.

That's all I want, judge.

I just wanna go home.

- I just wanna go home.

- Oh, let him go home.

- Send him back to Jersey.

- Yeah.

Settle down, counsels.

I'd like to grant a continuance...

- ...pending a psychiatric evaluation.

- Agreed.

Ready to beam him aboard, sir. Ha-ha-ha.

Continuance, it is. Next case.

Do you mean I'm going to

have to stay locked up?

No, you'll be in a medical facility,

Mr. Slotkin, not in jail.

Wait. I don't think you understand.

I'm going to be dead within 48 hours

if I don't get back to Saturn.

You're just gonna have to trust me

on this one. You'll be fine.

- Bull?

- Can I get you anything, Mr. Slotkin?

- Coffee? Tea?

- My system is starved for ammonia.

Mop & Glo it is.

Hurry up.

Keep your pants on, counselor.

If I stay here, I'm gonna have to.

Next case, Your Honor.

Endangered and attempted assault.

Michel Fouquet v. everybody

on I.R.T. Subway Car Number 3507.

- Everybody?

- Uh-huh.

Judge,

it was just a little misunderstanding.

The plaintiff is here

on vacation from France.

He entered the 7th Avenue subway,

asked the passengers for change of a dollar.

These five commuters pulled these weapons

and held him until the transit police arrived.

We thought he was dangerous.

- We thought he was crazy.

- What did he do?

- He talked to us.

- Ah.

Sir, if I might interject,

these are not a gang of thugs.

These are just ordinary citizens...

...influenced by the current paranoia

about violence on the subways.

Basically, they're just good,

decent human beings.

What is that thing?

Surface-to-air missile, sir.

I see your point.

Judge, it wasn't loaded.

I was just using it for intimidation.

People, people, people,

now, I understand your fears...

...but don't you see

you are contributing to the problem?

You are escalating the tension

that threatens to tear at the very fabric...

...that binds us together

as civilized human beings.

- What I'm trying to say is that--

- We don't get the guns back?

No, you don't get the guns back.

They will stay here as evidence

and I hope they're confiscated permanently.

Now, as for Monsieur Fouquet...

...I hope that you can still enjoy

this city of ours...

...with its diversity and its energy, its--

Couldn't afford the Bahamas, could you?

All right, now. Everybody, just stay calm.

- Are there bullets in that thing?

- No.

- Are you sure?

- No.

Put those guns away. Now!

So, hi, Mr. Slotkin.

- Good to see you again.

- Hello.

Well, what seems to be the problem?

Problem?

Well, yeah, the chasing,

the screaming, the gun.

Oh, that.

Mr. Slotkin, now, I know

you're a reasonable human being--

I'm not a human being!

Right, I forgot.

- I have demands.

- Shoot.

Oh, God, please, no, no.

Come on, Dan. Even he knew

what I meant and he's crazy.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

I want parts to fashion a transmitter

so I can contact my people.

I have a list. Here.

- Mac.

- Yeah, I'll get right on it, sir.

Though I think

we may be out of plutonium.

You can substitute Spam.

Got it.

And I need sustenance.

Bull, get him whatever he wants.

What kind of sustenance?

Nitrogen, phosphorous, magnesium, zinc.

Relish?

On the side.

Alrighty.

Mr. Slotkin, I want everyone else

in the courtroom to go.

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Trust me. They'll be all right.

Why should I trust you?

All right.

As a gesture of goodwill,

I'll let one of these two go.

- Good luck.

- Dan.

I am young.

I have got my entire life in front of me.

I'll let the lady go.

You can forget the 10 bucks I owe you.

Don't worry.

If I shoot you...

...I'll resurrect you with a couple

of paper clips and a candle.

I'm looking forward to that.

If there were only something else

we can do.

Why can't we find anyone

who can talk sense to him?

A friend, a relative,

anyone who can communicate with him.

There's a guy from Neptune in holding.

You're right. Language problem.

Christine.

In case I don't make it out of here,

there's something I think you should know.

I have undressed you in my mind...

...every night

since the second I laid eyes on you.

And I think we would have been

incredible together.

Harry's promised me your parking space.

Hi.

- Somebody call for the A-Team?

- I beg your pardon?

It was a joke.

I'm just not very funny, that's all.

I'm Judge Stone.

Commander Tucker, emergency services.

- Where do you want the snipers?

- Snipers?

Isn't there a chance you're gonna hit

one of the hostages?

What's your point?

I would like to settle

this matter nonviolently, if possible.

Your Honor, there's a lunatic in there.

And my statistics show that he's gonna

open fire within the next 20 minutes.

Well, maybe I should go in

and talk to him myself.

- Phil, how many body bags we have?

- Should I bring the food in now?

Hey, I saw something

on 60 Minutes once...

...where the hostage negotiating team

drugged the food...

...before they took it in to the terrorists.

60 Minutes?

Never heard of it.

It's on opposite Punky Brewster.

Oh, well, no wonder.

Listen, can we drug the food?

- Sure, we do it all the time.

- Great.

Come on, Phil,

let's break out the needles.

Now, whatever you do,

don't try this at home.

That was a joke.

They hate me. I can tell.

Mr. Slotkin, I brought you the nitrogen,

magnesium and phosphorous.

Being from Saturn,

you're probably not familiar...

...with the Earth forms

of these substances.

- Where's my scratch game?

- Bye.

Are you gonna eat both of those?

Go ahead.

I'm starving.

Hmm.

You gonna eat or what?

I just wanna see

what's going to happen to you.

What are you talking about?

I just wanna see if they drugged the food.

Don't you ever watch 60 Minutes?

Mr. Slotkin?

Mr. Slotkin, I just wanna help you.

Is there anyone we can call,

your wife or your parents?

No, I'm not married.

- Parents moved to the old neighborhood.

- The old neighborhood.

Way out on the seventh moon of Saturn.

That's where I grew up.

It was just our family and two others

on this barren, lifeless sphere of ice.

- How about yourself?

- Buffalo.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, but I miss it sometimes.

I know what you mean. I miss the rings.

- The rings?

- Oh, they're beautiful.

Sometimes when the sun hits them

just right...

...the whole sky sparkles

with these vibrant colors.

Sounds wonderful.

Oh. It is.

You know, up on this place Saturn...

...well, there's no war,

there's no poverty, and there's no hunger.

Is that right, Mr. Slotkin?

Absolutely.

We solved those problems eons ago.

Sir, do you realize

that instead of fighting...

...they solve global disputes

with bowling tournaments?

Well, I can't confirm that.

Well, what's so strange about that?

I mean, look at the way

you still do things down here.

I mean, you take any opportunity

to murder each other...

...you tear down your forests,

you poison your streams.

On my planet, everything grows.

We have no violence, no oppression.

No famine, no cruelty, no hatred.

- You've been there.

- No.

But I can imagine it.

Most of us can imagine it.

Some of us want it so bad

that when we can't find it here...

...we imagine it someplace else.

What are you talking about?

You're describing utopia, Mr. Slotkin.

That is an ideal place.

Men have been looking for it

since the beginning of time.

But it doesn't exist here.

Sometimes I wonder

if it exists anywhere.

Oh, it exists, all right.

Believe me. I've been there.

- I'll vouch for him on that.

- Dan.

I love you, Harry.

Thank you, Dan.

- What a fruitcake, huh?

- Mr. Slotkin...

...please, give me the gun.

- No, you stay away from me.

- Mr. Slotkin.

If I had my life to live over again,

I would live it as a blond.

Please, don't make me restrain you.

Oh, that's all you people ever do.

You think of new reasons

for using violence.

You just get people out of the way

if they step out of line.

That's all your species understands.

I mean, God forbid...

...you should actually listen to somebody

if they're different.

I'd like to place a collect call, please.

Is he--?

Well, that was refreshing.

Where's the gun?

This is the city.

My name is Fielding.

- I'm a cop.

- What happened?

- Everything's under control.

- The lights went out in the building.

Yeah, must've blown a fuse

when he turned the thing on.

It wasn't a fuse.

It was my people.

You see any of them here?

No, they're not here.

But suffice it to say

that they have healed me.

They effected a large-scale

transference of energy...

...which repaired my malfunctioning

Earth adaptation devices.

Mr. Slotkin,

are you sure you feel all right?

Oh, yes. I'm fit as a yefgotrod.

You look it.

Somebody here called for a pick up?

Yeah, the guy in the plaid jacket there

is from Saturn.

- That's strange.

- You kidding.

Yeah, they usually come in the spring

when the planet makes its closest approach.

Come on, Al.

Your Honor.

Greetings.

As a representative

from our Earth's government...

...we invite you to join us on a tour

of one of our native medical institutions.

We feel it will be beneficial

to both our peoples...

...and will help to promote

a mutual trust and harmony...

...between our two worlds.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'd be honored.

Beats the hell out of wrestling them

to the ground.

Judge.

I want you to know that I respect you.

And I even like you.

But I hope you won't be hurt too much...

...when you realize

that you're finally doomed.

Oh, I don't know, Mr. Slotkin.

Some of us still have hope.

Me, I've got a feeling that someday

we're all gonna come together...

...and we're gonna figure out a way

to make this fragile little world of ours...

...a really wonderful place to live.

That's crazy.

- Where's Dan?

- Over there, licking the floor.

Dan?

Ready?

I'll be waiting outside.

And they say romance is dead.

Oh, I forgot.

How did it go last night, Dan?

Mac, Mac, Mac.

I have no idea.

I think I blacked out at the curb.

Well, you gave it your best shot.

Dan.

Oh, Sheila.

Um....

About last night--

Oh, you magnificent beast, you.

I'm still trying to catch my breath.

You were incredible.

I was?

Oh, I mean--

I mean, it was nice, wasn't it?

Aren't you being just a bit modest?

Well, maybe a bit. Heh.

So how about tonight?

We'll never be able to top last night.

Let's not spoil it by trying.

Let's spoil it.

I remember...

...a catcher's mitt.

The latest breaking

news, four killed in Queens shooting spree...

...a family freezes to death,

and on a lighter note...

...three million gallons of sewage

spills into the Hudson River.

We'll be right back after this message.

- What's new?

- Murder and mayhem.

What's new with you?

There's brown stuff coming out

of the drinking fountain.

- We're ready.

- I'll be there.

Okay.

And on a local note,

last night's mysterious blackout...

...which affected one square mile

of Manhattan...

...is still resisting any easy explanation.

Con Ed said there was no indication

of any malfunction.

A spokesman commented,

"It was like some appliance was hooked up...

...and just sucked all of the energy

out of the system for a couple of seconds."

Heh-heh. A UFO, I guess.