Original subtitles

It's true, Miss...

...Corland.

First bailiff résumé I've ever seen

with an 8-by-10 glossy attached.

- Well, I used to be an actress.

- Uh-huh.

But now I'm, like, really into justice.

And we're glad you are.

- Yeah?

- Harry, I was--

Break a leg.

Come on in, Dan. Miss Corland,

this is our assistant district attorney.

Hi. Dan Fielding,

a sucker for a woman in uniform.

Hi.

- There's a dozen more applicants out there.

- Right.

Miss Corland, this is Bull Shannon.

He's our senior bailiff.

Mr. Shannon,

it's such a pleasure to meet you.

I've admired your work for years.

Thank you.

Yes, he's provided some

of the greatest moments in bailiff history.

Judge Stone, will there be anything else?

No.

I'll make my decision next week.

I'm pulling for you.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Some brass, huh?

Pride in the uniform, pride in the job.

- I'll make a note of that.

- I'll look forward to your decision.

I'll bet you are, Bull. It must be tough

working with one temporary after another.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Dirk.

Case in point?

Harry, please consider hiring someone

in the vertebrate family.

What is it, Dirk?

- Prisoners' manifest.

- Thanks.

Oh, I took Grayson down

to Women's Detention for you.

- Women's Detention?

- Yeah.

Dirk, Grayson's a man.

No.

- But there was a dress.

- It was a man wearing a dress.

Dirk, didn't you notice

the three days' growth...

...and the full mustache?

Well, I thought

she was a little severe-looking.

- Where is he now?

- Right below us, Room 1706.

Seventeen-oh-six?

Isn't that where they do the--?

Strip search.

I'm going to get a ribbing for this one,

aren't I, sir?

Evening, Your Honor.

- Hi, Dirk.

- Well, today's Friday.

Yeah, it is.

- The big day.

- Uh-huh.

You're announcing who's gonna fill

the permanent bailiff position.

Yeah, I am.

I've been praying.

- So I see.

- Real aluminum.

Very nice.

Of course,

Mom's been lighting candles for me...

...but I figure now it's in his hands.

Dirk, your faith is obviously very strong,

but I'm sure you've learned...

...that you don't get everything you want

out of life just because you ask God for it.

Gramps is flying in for the party.

- Has court started yet?

- No.

- Oh, thank God.

- And you are...?

- Christine Sullivan, legal aid.

- Phil Sanders, scum.

- I'm looking forward to working with you.

- Yeah, me too.

You notice that eye thing

we had going there?

- It's Dan, isn't it?

- Yes.

- Well, hello there.

- You don't remember me, do you?

Of course I do. Mardi Gras, New Orleans,

'76, French Quarter, snake dance.

Christine Sullivan, legal aid,

I was here a year ago.

That was my second choice. Well, I swear

I'll never forget you again as long as I live.

You probably won't.

I've been assigned here permanently.

You're the best.

Psst. Mac.

Your Honor?

Yeah, I'm in here.

No, in the hallway.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

You know, it sounded so muffled,

and what with you always playing jokes....

Why doesn't Bull announce me?

I've been here for five minutes.

- He didn't show up.

- What?

Bull didn't show up for work.

Dirk's gonna do it.

- Dirk?

- Uh-huh.

All rise.

Please?

Criminal court part two is now in session,

the Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

You may be seated.

Look what the cat done drug in.

- Hello, Judge Stone.

- Christine. Christine Sullivan.

I'm honored you remember me.

- Don't tell me you've been assigned here?

- Yes.

Well, feather my feet

and start me grinning.

As usual, sir, you speak for all of us.

- Remember Mac?

- Yes, of course.

- How are you?

- Hi. Fine.

Hey, that is a neat outfit.

- Is that felt?

- No.

Well, it is now.

You were here about a year ago,

weren't you? We had some problems.

- Yes, we did, but we solved them.

- Yes, we did.

You know, as I recall, I thought you were

ignoring me and not letting me finish my--

- Mac, what's first?

- People v. Hoover, solicitation.

--sentences.

I'm worried about Bull.

He should've been here an hour ago.

- Then why don't you give him a call?

- Right.

Oh, hi, Judge Stone.

- Hi, Roberta. How're you doing?

- Just swell.

- Say, I love what you've done to your hair.

- Thanks.

It's about time somebody noticed it.

- Your Honor--

- Oh, that's all right.

You haven't seen me in a while.

I wouldn't expect you to mention it.

Ain't it?

Excuse me,

if I could proceed with my defense?

Defense? She approached

an undercover officer and said:

"Give me 100 bucks,

and I'll make your teeth sweat."

- Sir, I realize--

- Roberta, are you guilty of soliciting?

- Don't--

- Yes.

--answer that.

All right, that's a $50 fine

and time served.

- Next case. Good seeing you, Roberta.

- You too, Your Honor.

Um.... Your Honor, it happened again.

- What happened again?

- You didn't even let me finish my...

- Mac, is there any word?

- No, sir.

- ...defense.

- Kind of a rhythm thing.

You'll be jumping into conversations

within the year.

I even called Bull's landlord, sir.

He said Bull didn't come home last night.

- Now I'm worried.

- Maybe he got lucky.

Yeah, the circus is in town.

- Dan.

- There he is.

Bull?

He's splashed.

Meet the gang.

Come on.

Let's get him in here.

Are they a great bunch of people

or what?

- Yeah. Real troupers.

- Yeah.

I think the bearded lady likes you.

Lips that touch mustache wax

shall never touch mine.

Put him on the sofa, guys.

- Anything I can do to help, Your Honor?

- No, we can handle it from here.

- He's lucky to have a friend like you.

- Yeah, thanks very much, Dirk.

- May the Lord bless thee and keep thee.

- I appreciate it, Dirk.

Are you all right?

- Can I get you anything?

- Not a thing, thanks.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Christine Sullivan. We met last year.

I'm the new defense attorney.

You smell nummy.

- Bull, I'm ashamed of you.

- It was just an innocent sniff, Harry.

- I'm talking about the drinking.

- The piña coladas were nummy too.

I must have a couple of dozen

of these little paper umbrellas.

Bull, I wanna know why you got drunk.

Because I was toasting my friend Selma,

that's why.

And she deserved every one

I could think of.

Selma.

Well, hey, why all the long faces?

We're supposed to be having fun today.

Today's the day we replace Selma.

Out with the old, in with the new

Get sick and die, we'll replace you too

Whoa.

Come on, let's have a seat over here,

big fella.

Good God, am I tall.

- Who's Selma?

- Bailiff that used to work here.

She died six months ago.

They were close.

So after we rode the elephants...

...we all climbed

into this teeny little fire engine.

- Bull?

- Yo.

I just heard about Selma. I'm really sorry.

You're sorry?

- How do you think I feel?

- Hey, listen, I didn't mean--

It was my best friend that died,

not yours.

Bull.

- Yo.

We all cared about Selma very much.

But there comes a time where you gotta

stop grieving, and you go on living.

What did you do to your hair?

- Listen, Bull--

- Why did Selma have to die, Harry?

I mean, why couldn't it be

some sicko scum out there instead of her?

I want some answers,

and I want them now!

Oh, yeah. So we were in this bar,

see, and Elmo--

- Elmo's the little guy in the ringmaster suit.

- He's in la-la land, sir.

Sir, maybe it would help if we got

some coffee and sandwiches into him.

You know, maybe it would help if we got

some coffee and sandwiches into him.

Christine?

- Good idea, sir.

- Let's go to the cafeteria.

- Right.

- Mac, you try to juggle the docket.

- This could take a little while.

All right.

Dan, keep Bull here

and keep an eye on him.

I don't want him roaming around

in this condition.

So we took the ring of fire and--

- I'll humor him till it hurts.

- I'll be right back.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I'm leaving.

Oh, wait, no.

Bull, Harry said to stay here.

Get out of my way, Dan.

Now, I have specific instructions

not to let you leave.

Move, or I will invent the human pretzel.

I have my instructions.

- Did you hear something?

- No.

Sounded like a cat caught in a winepress.

Don't just stand there. Untie me.

- What happened?

- Bull decided to go for a walk.

I tried to stop him,

and, boom, twisted mister.

Sir, I wa--

Oh, my Lord.

Dan, are you in pain?

- No, not really.

Well, great.

Then hold it right there

while I go get my camera.

- Mac.

- Looks like one of those damn Picassos.

All right, I'll pay for help.

- What happened?

- Bull's on the loose.

- Maybe we should search the building.

- No reason for that, sir.

When he gets upset, he either

goes to the basement, sits by the furnace...

...or he goes up to the...

...roof.

Not again.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- It's all right.

Nothing a few pins

and a few steel rods can't fix.

Well, there he is, just like always.

Yeah. So I wonder where he got the cape.

Oh, no.

- Mac, hold on to me, huh?

- I'm right here, sir.

In fact, look, tie that, would you?

Just in case.

- Uh-huh.

- Bull?

Bull, talk to me.

The night has a thousand eyes.

I'll send for some burgers.

Sir?

- Let me have a shot at him.

- If she misses, it's my turn.

If you don't mind,

I'd rather deal with this myself--

- I minored in psychology in school--

- Miss Sullivan.

- Depression was my best subject. I got B's.

- Please.

Go away.

It's because I'm a woman, isn't it?

Rock always told Doris Day yes

when she asked him this question.

No, Miss Sullivan,

it's not that you're a woman.

It's that, at this moment, you're a pest.

Fine. Then you'll just excuse me

while I go drink a cup of insecticide.

- Fine. Fine.

- Fine.

This is when Doris would always

storm out of the room and....

Bingo.

Bull, come on down. Let's talk, huh?

We always end up doing that anyway.

Why not sooner than later, huh?

- Bull?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, no, big guy. Come on, no.

At least go around to the alley side,

huh? Come-- Oh!

On second thought,

I'd like to cancel that order.

Bull, please come down.

I'm afraid, in your condition,

you're gonna hurt yourself.

Don't worry about him. I'm with him.

Christine?

It'll be a shame to let her die

without experiencing me.

Get away from me.

Bull, come here.

Get away from me.

Bull, come here.

Get away from me.

Bull, come--

- What happened?

- I don't know. I can't see a thing.

They moved away from the edge.

Now, why would they do

a silly thing like that?

Mac, would you get that?

Hello?

What?

Yeah, yeah, I will.

That was the building manager.

Something fell off the roof

right over your office.

Oh, God.

Move. She's not as light as she looks.

- They said something fell.

My cape.

She thought it was me and passed out.

- Oh, that poor man.

- No, no, Bull's okay. He's right here.

His cape fell. You fainted.

- Just like a woman, right?

No.

Just like a scared human being.

Mac, why don't you take her to the nurse's

office, and get her checked over, huh?

Yeah. Come on.

Then we'll get a cup of coffee.

Wait a minute.

Thank you for trying to help.

Whoever you are.

Dan.

I'm sorry I rearranged you.

It's all right, big guy.

Besides, what the hell can I do about it?

So you're starting to edge your way

back into our lucid world, huh?

I'm sorry, Harry.

- Did getting drunk solve your problem?

- No.

I still got the problem,

plus I got sick and ruined a cab.

Listen, Bull, for what it's worth,

I think I know how you feel.

I've been through stuff like this

in my life.

It just seems so unfair, Harry.

I mean, I thought I understood things.

And then Selma died, and now....

Now I don't know

what the hell's going on.

What's life all about, Harry?

I don't know, Bull.

I don't know why we live,

and I don't know why we die.

But I do know...

...that as long as we're here...

...we better hold on to each other

real tight.

In case you're interested,

the music has stopped.

- What can I do for you?

- I'm here for the job.

What job is that?

What is this, a wet suit?

Well, we interviewed for bailiffs

last week.

I'm late.

Now, do I get the job or what?

Well, there are certain procedural things

that we do, such as checking references.

I don't have any.

Well, that streamlines things.

How about experience?

I'm a bailiff.

- For how long?

- A hundred and six years.

What's with the hair?

I know he looks funny,

but don't say anything about it.

You are a weird man.

Can I keep her, Harry?

- Why do I suddenly feel like a hamster?

- It's a long story.

- I don't wanna hear it.

- You're hired.

- Bull, you wanna show her around?

- Come on.

I'll go show you where we stand

for eight hours a night.

I quit.

You can lean on me if you want.

Well, how about

if I just hang a swing on your arm?

Alrighty.

I'll be needing a raise.

Dirk, I got an idea.

I'll go with you to the banquet,

and I'll explain it to your folks.

No.

They'd kill you.

- Good night.

- Good night, Your Honor.

It's after work. You can call me Harry.

Someday.

Christine.

Wanna go grab a bite?

I can't. I'm busy.

I'm going to Dirk's party.

Bull said there'll be a ton of food there.

Must've cost him a fortune.

Are you all right?

- Hangover.

- Serves you right.

Anybody that abuses alcohol should be

punished with violent headaches...

...the kind that makes your eyes fall out.

Thank you.

For what?

Selma used to care enough

to yell at me too.

Say, tell me something.

What was this Selma like?

Well, she was kind of abrasive.

She was short.

And she had a funny voice.

How pathetic.

Quite a story, huh?

I laughed, I cried. It became a part of me.