Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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Man: IT IS SO DIFFICULT TO KNOW WHERE I SHOULD BEGIN.

ESPECIALLY WHEN, UNLIKE YOU, I ALREADY KNOW THE ENDING.

BUT LET US SAY THAT THIS STORY BEGAN WITH THE END OF ANOTHER...

FAR, FAR FROM THE SURF OF LONG ISLAND.

FOR MANY YEARS I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO PUBLIC LIFE.

I HAD SAID NO TO INTERVIEWS SO OFTEN,

IT WAS WIDELY REGARDED AS MY FORTE.

THEN, JUST ONCE...

ON IMPULSE...

I SAID YES.

DOES THE 2Oth CENTURY PLAY ANY PART IN YOUR LIFE?

I'M SORRY?

DO YOU, FOR INSTANCE, USE A WORD PROCESSOR?

I'M A WRITER.

I WRITE.

I DON'T PROCESS WORDS.

SO WHO DO YOU WRITE FOR?

MYSELF.

MAY I ASK WHY YOU'RE HERE TODAY?

I WAS WONDERING THAT MYSELF.

BUT YOUR...UH, COLLEAGUE WAS A FRIEND OF MY LATE WIFE,

WHO TRANSLATED FOR THE WORLD SERVICE.

AND OF COURSE, I DO HAVE A FAINT INTEREST

AS TO HOW THESE THINGS ARE DONE, YOU KNOW.

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TEMPTED TO WRITE FOR RADIO?

OR TELEVISION?

I'M AFRAID NOT.

WOULD YOU PERMIT YOUR WORK TO BE ADAPTED TO THE SCREEN,

NOW THAT EVEN E.M. FORSTER'S BEEN DONE?

I'D PREFER NOT TO BE DONE.

BUT HE'S BEEN DONE RATHER WELL, DON'T YOU THINK?

WHY, I HAVE NO IDEA.

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE PICTURES FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

ONE OR 2?

ONE.

Man: HEY, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT WINDOW, MAN?

I--I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS, COREY.

WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET CAUGHT, JERK-OFF.

AT ANY MINUTE NOW THAT ROOM IS GONNA BE

FILLED WITH BUTT-NAKED BABES.

RIGHT.

HEY, BIG GUY, GIVE ME THE CAMERA.

OH, MAN.

TAKE IT OFF, BABY.

SHE IS SO TOTALLY HOT!

SOMEONE'S COMING. WHAT?

CHRIST, IT'S THE STALKER. I'M OUT OF HERE!

WHAT ARE YOU BOYS DOING HERE?

YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

THIS ISN'T E.M. FORSTER!

HEY, MAN, YOU GOT A RIVAL.

MOLLY'S IN THERE WITH A GUY.

WHAT? I'LL KILL HER!

COME ON, LET'S GO!

MIKEY?

YOU'VE BEEN BEATEN TO IT BY YOUR KID BROTHER.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A PIZZA DELIVERY, BOYS.

GO GET HIM, MAN.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, YES.

HEY, CUT IT OUT!

GO DO IT, DUDE. KICK HIS ASS.

COREY...

WHAT'S UP?

HEY, COME ON, MAN,

WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS.

YEAH?

Corey: HEY, MOLLY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, BABY?

Molly: HI, COREY.

Ronnie: COME ON, MAN, PUT ME DOWN.

PUT ME DOWN.

COREY, COREY, SHE MADE ME DO IT.

SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE JERK-OFF.

YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME JEALOUS, HUH?

AH.

WHAT A RELIEF.

MY WIFE MUST HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

TELL ME, MRS. REED...

YOU LIVE HERE ALONE NOW, DON'T YOU?

YES.

ME ALONE.

BUT THE--THE TELEVISION?

THE TELEVISION IS MINE.

I LIKE IT.

YOU, UH, WATCH THE PICTURES.

YOUR SPECIALIZED SUBJECT IS CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

WITH SUBTITLES.

NOW BY WHAT NAME WAS COLUMBUS KNOWN IN SPAIN?

CRISTOBAL COLON.

CORRECT. OF WHAT DID COLUMBUS REPUTEDLY BECOME

THE FIRST EUROPEAN CONNOISSEUR?

TOBACCO? CORRECT.

HOW EXTRAORDINARY.

HAVE YOU BEEN LOCKED OUT ALL DAY?

NO, NO, NO. I... JUST FOR A SHORT WHILE, UH,

I WENT TO THE PICTURES.

CINEMA.

CINEMA.

I'M EVER SO SORRY ABOUT YESTERDAY.

AND WHY IS THAT?

ABOUT NOT BEING HOME

WHEN YOU NEEDED THE KEYS.

WELL, I CAN HARDLY DICTATE WHAT YOU DO ON YOUR SUNDAYS, MRS. BARKER.

MY SISTER IN WHITSTABLE'S BEEN POORLY.

NEEDS A BIT OF HELPING OUT.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE, MRS. BARKER?

I WAS JUST GOING TO MENTION...

MY SISTER AND I HEARD YOU ON THE WIRELESS YESTERDAY.

TELL ME...

YOU WEREN'T TAUGHT TAUGHT BY FORSTER

WHEN YOU WERE UP IN CAMBRIDGE?

ALAS, NO.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE EVEN ADAPTING HIS WORK FOR THE PICTURES NOW?

CAN'T SAY THAT I APPROVE.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT WORSE.

THE ADAPTATION?

THE INTERVIEW.

OH, IN WHAT WAY?

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ON TELEVISION.

THAT'S A MUCH GREATER INTRUSION, I CAN TELL YOU.

DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET TELEVISIONS

THAT TRANSCRIBE WHAT PEOPLE SAY?

MAY I ASK, WOULD THAT BE ANOTHER BOOK?

YES, I'M AFRAID IT IS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.

TAKES ME ALL MY TIME TO READ ONE.

WELL, AS GWEN ALWAYS USED TO SAY,

IT'S EASIER TO WRITE ONE

THAN IT IS TO READ ONE PROPERLY, MRS. BARKER.

YES, I'M SURE SHE DID.

I CAN ALMOST HEAR HER SAYING IT.

I'VE NEVER REALLY APPROVED OF THE PRE-RAPHAELITES.

HMM?

WELL, JUST LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S ONE OF YOUR SISTER'S FAVORITES.

WHAT'S MEANT TO BE GOING ON?

LOVE LETTERS, SUICIDE, THAT SORT OF THING?

MORE LIKELY TO BE REJECTIONS FROM PUBLISHERS.

CHATTERTON WAS A WRITER.

OH.

I MUST GET AROUND TO READING

ONE OF YOUR BOOKS, GILES.

NEVER SEEM TO BE ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY.

GILES?

Giles: WINSOME, YOUNG, NEO-CLASSICAL.

ISOLATED BY BEAUTY, DEATH.

NO SMOKING, GOV, THANKS VERY MUCH.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

IT SAYS, "NO SMOKING."

NO, IT SAYS, "THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING."

AS I AM SMOKING, I DON'T EXPECT TO BE THANKED.

CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, YEAH, ONE FOR NUMBER 3, PLEASE.

COME AGAIN?

UH, ONE ADULT FOR NUMBER 3.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE, SIR?

THE FILM IN NUMBER 3.

WHICH?

UM, HOTPANTS COLLEGE II.

THANK YOU.

COME ON! COME ON!

HANG ON, ALL RIGHT?

COME ON, MOM. I GOTTA GO.

TODAY'S A BIG DAY.

OH, YEAH, WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT IT?

COLLEGE GIRLS ARE BACK IN TOWN, THAT'S WHAT.

OH, I WISH YOU'D KEEP YOUR MIND ON SCHOOL, COREY,

LIKE YOUR BROTHER.

YEAH, YEAH.

HE FINDS TIME TO WORK AT CHICKEN BURGER, WHY CAN'T YOU?

[COUGHING]

MOM, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT THAT?

[COUGHING]

WHAT A FUCKING PRAT.

SHH!

Giles: RONNIE BOSTOCK.

R. BOSTOCK, ESQUIRE.

BOSTOCK, BRACKETS, RONALD.

UH, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY MILK LEFT, I SUPPOSE.

MUM, MILK.

Mum: U-H-T?

U-H-T?

ONLY THIS LEFT.

IS OK?

ER, IT IS MILK, ISN'T IT?

ABIGAIL, WE CLOSE NOW.

WE'RE CLOSING NOW.

"OUT SOON ON VIDEO,

"HOTPANTS COLLEGE II,

"HAS EVEN MORE YUMMY GUYS THAN HC I...

"INCLUDING MEGA DREAMBOAT RONNIE BOSTOCK.

"NEXT MONTH, FIND OUT HOW BOSTIE FARES

IN OUR FEATURE ON HOLLYWOOD'S MOST SNOGGABLE FELLAS."

EXCLAMATION MARK, EXCLAMATION MARK, EXCLAMATION MARK.

[CASH REGISTER RINGS]

[DOOR OPENS]

I'M SORRY TO DISTURB YOU,

BUT I CAN'T FIND THEM ANYWHERE.

ER, MRS. BARKER, I'VE BEEN THINKING THAT, UH...

IT WOULD BE BEST IF I WAS LEFT UNDISTURBED IN THE AFTERNOON.

MY WORK IS VERY TAXING AT THE MOMENT.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR TEA?

OH, I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I'M READY FOR IT,

BUT, UM, I MUST ADMIT, IT'S BEEN...

ODD THIS LAST WEEK.

IT'S THAT FUNNY MILK.

WHAT IS IT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?

THE KITCHEN SCISSORS.

[ARF ARF]

SKID MARKS,1994.

TEX MEX,1995.

HOTPANTS COLLEGE II,1996.

MRS. BARKER, I'LL TAKE TEA NOW!

IS IT ON THE LEFT...

OR RIGHT?

Man: AND WHAT IS YOUR CHOSEN SPECIALIZED SUBJECT?

Giles: THE LIFE AND WORK OF RONNIE BOSTOCK.

YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES ON THE LIFE AND WORK OF RONNIE BOSTOCK,

STARTING NOW.

RONNIE BOSTOCK WAS BORN IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA,

BUT WHERE DOES HE LIVE NOW?

CHESTERTON, LONG ISLAND.

CORRECT.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE DOG

WHICH FEATURES PROMINENTLY IN HIS PUBLICITY STILLS?

STRIDER.

CORRECT. WHAT IS RONNIE BOSTOCK'S FAVORITE READING MATERIAL?

STEPHEN KING AND SCIENCE FICTION.

CORRECT. FOR WHAT DOES RONNIE HAVE A SELF-CONFESSED WEAKNESS?

PIZZA?

YES, I'LL ACCEPT THAT.

IT'S ACTUALLY PIZZA WITH EXTRA ANCHOVIES.

UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD RONNIE DO A NUDE SCENE?

IF IT WERE TASTEFUL.

AND...

ESSENTIAL TO THE PLOT.

CORRECT.

WHY WAS HE NOT CAST IN THE ORIGINAL HOTPANTS COLLEGE?

ER...

TOO YOUNG?

NO. HE WAS UNABLE TO BREAK HIS CONTRACT

WITH THE SITCOM HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS.

WHAT IS RONNIE'S FAVORITE KIND OF TRAINING SHOE AND WHY?

REEBOKS BECAUSE, UH, BRITISH STUFF IS COOL.

CORRECT.

WITH WHICH OF HIS ROCK IDOLS WAS HE RECENTLY PHOTOGRAPHED?

AXL ROSE.

CORRECT. RONNIE CLAIMS TO LIKE NOTHING BETTER

THAN HANGING OUT WITH THE GUYS.

WHAT EXACTLY DO THESE GUYS MEAN TO HIM?

I WONDER.

IS THAT CHESTERTON THERE?

CHESTERTON. YOU WANT?

WHY NOT? YES.

AHEM.

FOR A CHANGE, YES?

HA HA.

THANK YOU.

I HAVE, AS USUAL, SAID YOU'RE FAR TOO BUSY,

BUT IT IS A VERY PRESTIGIOUS LECTURE, GILES.

WOULD YOU ADVISE ME AGAINST IT?

AS YOUR AGENT, I WOULD STRONGLY URGE YOU TO DO IT,

BUT AS A FRIEND, I WOULDN'T WANT TO DISTURB YOUR WORK,

WHICH SEEMS TO BE SO INVIGORATING, GILES.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

REALLY?

YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING RATHER TIRED

OF HEARING MYSELF SAY NO.

NOW, YOU CAN HELP ME, HENRY.

WHAT EXACTLY IS A SITCOM?

CHIP...

[DOOR OPENS]

Chip: HI, DAD.

NO GOOD, THIS PROGRAM.

REALLY?

HERE, THIS IS BETTER.

DOGS.

YOU LIKE DOGS,

MR. DE'ATH?

Man: I THINK ON FORM, THE 2 BEST.

IT'S GOING TO BE A REALLY GOOD FINAL.

[BAA]

[WHISTLES]

[ARF ARF]

NEED ANY HELP, SIR?

YES, I'M INTERESTED IN ACQUIRING A VIDEOPLAYER.

THESE ARE MICROWAVES, SIR.

OH.

VIDEOPLAYERS ARE OVER HERE.

LET'S START WITH THIS LITTLE HUMDINGER.

IT'S GOT IT ALL, THIS ONE.

NICAM DIGITAL STEREO, LONG PLAY FACILITY,

14-DAY, 8-EVENT TIMER, 2-SPEED SLOW MOTION--

MY NEEDS ARE RATHER LIMITED.

IT'S TOP OF THE RANGE, THIS ONE.

OH, IS IT?

YEAH, AND IT'S IN YOUR INTEREST

TO KEEP UP WITH THE TECHNOLOGY.

I'LL GET IT, MRS. BARKER!

DELIVERY FOR DR. DEATH?

YES.

IS THAT YOUR REAL NAME THEN?

PRONOUNCED DAY-AATH.

BET YOU GET A LOT OF JOKES.

NOT SINCE SCHOOL.

NICE PLACE.

ALL THESE BOOKS,

THEY'RE NOT ALL DIFFERENT, ARE THEY?

YOU READ 'EM ALL?

COULD--COULD WE, UH..

RIGHT.

WHERE'S YOUR TELLY?

I'M SORRY?

GOGGLEBOX? TV?

NO, I DON'T HAVE ONE.

BLIMEY!

WELL, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS FOR THEN?

WELL, IT'S TO WATCH FILMS ON ACTUALLY.

YEAH, BUT--BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WATCH THEM ON?

WELL, ON THE VIDEO?

Giles: 2 PIECES OF IDENTIFICATION,

ONE PROOF OF ADDRESS.

I BELIEVE THAT QUALIFIES ME FOR MEMBERSHIP.

THERE'S A £10 DEPOSIT SO YOU DON'T NICK NOTHING,

BUT YOU GET A £2 VOUCHER FOR BERNIE'S PIZZA DELIVERY.

YOU CAN TAKE OUT 2 TAPES NOW IF YOU WANT.

UM, COULD I FORFEIT MY BERNIE'S PIZZA VOUCHER FOR A THIRD ONE?

THAT'S OUT.

I-I'M SORRY?

TEX MEX.

WENT OUT AN HOUR AGO.

REALLY?

WE ONLY KEEP ONE OF EVERYTHING,

UNLESS IT'S A BIG FUCK-OFF BLOCKBUSTER.

I SEE.

THAT'S IN.

HARRY!

SKID MARKS!

NO. TAPE'S BUGGERED.

WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER BASH?

WELL, PERHAPS YOU WOULD HAVE, ER...

HOTPANTS COLLEGE II?

HARRY!

HOTPANTS!

Harry: I?

II!

IT'S NOT OUT YET, IS IT?

NO. GOT HOTPANTS IIN.

UH, MAY I PLACE A RESERVATION FOR TEX MEX?

OH, THERE'S NO RESERVATIONS.

YOU MEAN I HAVE TO WAIT 2 WEEKS?

I HOPE NOT.

YOU CAN ONLY KEEP 'EM OUT OVERNIGHT.

ISN'T ONE ALLOWED 2 WEEKS AT A LIBRARY?

IT TAKES 2 WEEKS TO READ A BOOK.

DOESN'T IT?

THOSE THINGS ARE MORE TROUBLE THAN THEY'RE WORTH,

IF YOU ASK ME.

MRS. BARKER.

I'VE BEEN THINKING I SHOULD BE

STARTING TO COPE A LITTLE BETTER ON MY OWN.

SO I WON'T BE NEEDING YOU AFTER 2:00 IN THE AFTERNOONS.

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR DINNER?

OH, I'M QUITE SURE THAT I CAN MANAGE.

OH, AND I WOULD PREFER IT IF YOU DIDN'T CLEAN

IN THIS ROOM... AT ALL.

WHAT ABOUT THE DUST?

THE MORE ONE DUSTS,

THE MORE DUST ONE MAKES.

THAT'S WHAT GWEN ALWAYS USED TO SAY, MRS. BARKER.

Man: HERE HE COMES.

THIS HAD BETTER WORK.

COOL IT, PETE.

HAVE I EVER LET YOU DOWN BEFORE?

JUST MAKE SURE YOU LAND HIM IN THE SHIT.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE'S GONE AND DONE TO US.

HEY, HEY, HERE HE COMES! HERE HE COMES. GET DOWN! GET DOWN.

NOW.

AAH!

[HORSES WHINNY]

[DUCKS QUACKING]

WOW.

AWESOME!

OH, SHIT!

TOO DAMN RIGHT, BOZO!

YOU'RE IN DEEP SHIT, ALL RIGHT!

YEAH! YEAH, MAN! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A-- BUT A SKID MARK

ON THE UNDERPANTS OF LIFE!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

YEAH!

♪ SKID MARKS

♪ SKID MARKS

HE'S COMING. HE'S COMING.

SO IF YOU TAKE THE INVERSE

AND APPLY IT TO--

THERE IS THIS...

[BOYS LAUGHING]

[LAUGHTER]

Giles: IF ONE HAS TO HAVE A THEME, HENRY...

IT WOULD BE...

THE DISCOVERY OF BEAUTY

WHERE NO ONE EVER THOUGHT OF LOOKING FOR IT.

OH, YES. FAMILIAR TERRITORY FOR YOU.

HARDLY.

I HAVE BEGUN TO ENGAGE

IN COMPLETELY NEW SUBJECT MATTER.

NEW TO ME, AT LEAST.

SPLENDID! AT OUR TIME OF LIFE,

IT'S GOOD TO TACKLE SOMETHING NEW.

I WAS CONSIDERING GOLF, ACTUALLY.

I COULD ALMOST SAY...

THAT IT HAS BROUGHT ME INTO CONTACT

WITH EVERYTHING THAT I MYSELF HAVE NEVER BEEN.

BUT THAT MUST BE ALL FOR THE TIME BEING, HENRY.

GILES...

I'M VERY INTRIGUED.

YOU MAY FIND IT RATHER DIFFICULT

TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

I'M FINDING IT RATHER DIFFICULT NOW, OLD CHAP.

HEY, JAKE.

HEY, HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

HEY, GET OUT OF THE WAY, JOHNNY.

THIS AIN'T THE WAY, JAKE.

YOU HEARD WHAT FATHER BRYSON SAID.

HE SAID WE ALL GOTTA LEARN HOW TO GET ALONG.

YEAH, WELL, I'M TIRED OF THESE MEXICANS TAKING JOBS FROM MY FOLKS.

THEY NEVER TOOK ANY JOB YOU WANTED AND YOU KNOW IT.

FOR THE LAST TIME, JUST GET OUT OF THE WAY, JOHNNY.

I AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

YOU WANT TO GET TO THESE BOYS,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME.

IS THAT RIGHT?YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

CORRER, AMIGOS, CORRER.

OH, YOU DID IT NOW, JAKE.

UHH.

SAVE YOUR BREATH, MY CHILD.

OH, I TRIED TO TELL HIM, FATHER.

I TRIED. I TRIED.

HUSH NOW. GOD KNOWS WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE, TO BE SURE.

YOU WERE RIGHT, FATHER.

WE ALL GOT TO TRY TO LIVE TOGETHER.

I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU SAID.

UHH.

JOHNNY?

NO!

I PROMISE YOU WON'T DIE IN VAIN, MY CHILD.

MAY THE LORD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL.

FORGIVE ME, RONNIE.

Giles: OR IS IT NOT THE CASE THAT WHEN WE ARE IN THE HABIT

OF VIEWING A FILM MORE THAT ONCE,

ASSISTED BY THAT TECHNOLOGICAL

AIDE-MEMOIRE THE VIDEO PLAYER,

THEN A REMARKABLE PHENOMENON PRESENTS ITSELF.

WE SEE THAT WHAT AT FIRST APPEAR

TO BE MERELY ACCIDENTAL OR UNREHEARSED

BECOMES, ON SUBSEQUENT VIEWINGS,

AN INDELIBLE PART OF THE FILM'S TEXTURE:

A DISTANT LANDSCAPE...

A BLURRED FACE IN THE CROWD...

EVEN A BANAL MESSAGE ON A T-SHIRT.

SO THE LARGELY UNRECOGNIZED ART OF FILM ACTING

DEPENDS ENTIRELY ON THE ABILITY OF THE ACTOR

OR INDEED ACTRESS TO MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT HIMSELF...

OR HERSELF... SEEM EQUALLY PERMANENT.

WHEN THUS AN ACTOR IS CALLED UPON TO SMILE,

HE MUST TRY TO SELECT A SMILE FROM A COLLECTION,

A REPERTOIRE, A WHOLE FILE OF SMILES, AS IT WERE.

NAIVE...

RUEFUL...

SLY, SARCASTIC...

AND SO ON.

ANYWAY, TO RETURN TO MY THEME OF THE DEATH OF THE FUTURE.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'VE BEEN OVERDOING IT, OLD CHAP?

WE'RE NOT AS YOUNG AS WE USED TO BE, AFTER ALL.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A BREAK.

GO ON A TRIP.

DO YOU THE WORLD OF GOOD.

A TRIP.

YES, I--I KNOW YOU THINK THAT TRAVELING

FOR IT'S OWN SAKE IS FRIVOLOUS,

BUT I MUST INSIST THAT YOU SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[ANSWERING MACHINE] THIS IS GILES DE'ATH SPEAKING.

IF YOUR CALL IS EXTREMELY URGENT,

YOU MAY LEAVE A BRIEF MESSAGE AFTER I FINISH SPEAKING.

[BEEP]

Henry: GOOD LORD, GILES?

IT'S HENRY. YOU HAVE AN ANSWERPHONE.

WHATEVER NEXT?

[TRAIN WHISTLES]

LOOK, UM, ISN'T THERE A GUEST HOUSE

OR SOMETHING OF THAT NATURE?

WELL, NOW, THERE'S A MOTEL.

A MOTEL?

YEAH, ON THE EXPRESSWAY.

OH, NO, THAT WOULD BE OUT OF THE QUESTION.

THE ROOM IS QUIET?

WE TAKE A PRIDE IN THE SECLUDED NATURE OF OUR ACCOMMODATION.

HOW LONG WILL YOU BE WITH US?

UH, OH, AT LEAST A WEEK OR TWO.

ARE YOU TOURING LONG ISLAND?

NO. NO, NOT REALLY.

OH, A WRITER.

FROM LONDON, TOO. OH, MY.

WELL, WE'RE CHARMED TO HAVE YOU, UH,

MISTER...

DE'ATH. WELL...

MISTER, ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT CHESTERTON,

YOU JUST ASK ME.

HMM.

[SIGHS]

GOOD LORD.

YOU'RE LOOKING VERY SPIFFY TODAY.

SIR?

YOU'RE LOOKING VERY SPIFFY TODAY,

VERY ATTRACTIVE.

OH, THANK YOU.

HAS LOU TAKEN YOUR ORDER YET?

I--I MUST ADMIT, I'M HAVING A LITTLE DIFFICULTY UNDERSTANDING THE MENU.

GET HIM A CUP OF COFFEE.

WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?

UH, WE DO A GREAT CHEESEBURGER.

OH, I THINK NOT.

THE BEST HASH BROWNS YOU EVER TASTED.

THAT RATHER GOES WITHOUT SAYING.

THERE YOU ARE.

THANK YOU.

SO...

YOU'RE FROM ENGLAND, HUH?

YES.

YOU EVER BUMP INTO A FELLOW BY THE NAME OF STAN BRIGHOUSE?

I BELIEVE NOT.

AN ATTRACTIVE MAN. AVERAGE SIZED HANDS.

BUT HE HAD BREASTS.

LIKE A WOMAN.

VERY ODD.

HE WAS A NICE PERSON, THOUGH.

YOU SHOULD LOOK HIM UP.

ANYWAY, I'M IRV, BY THE WAY.

HENCE CHEZ d'IRV?

YOU GOT IT.

IRVING BUCKMULLER AT YOUR SERVICE.

THIS AREA HERE IS VERY ATTRACTIVE.

THIS IS WHERE A PERSON LIKE YOU SHOULD BE STAYING.

IT'S SECLUDED?

OH, YOU'LL LOVE IT.

YES.

WHERE THE ODD CELEBRITY MIGHT HIDE OUT, NO DOUBT.

EXACTLY.

EXACTLY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEY ALL KNOW IRV'S.

EVERY ONE OF THEM KNOWS IRV'S.

RIGHT, LOU?

HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD MORNING.

HEY, THAT'S A GREAT TIE.

THANK YOU.

HIRE A DETECTIVE.

BRIBE POSTMAN.

[MOANING FROM THE NEXT ROOM]

THIS IS TOO MUCH.

YES, MRS. ABBOTT, IS THERE ANY POSSIBILITY

OF YOUR MORE, UH, SHORT TERM GUESTS

NOT HAVING ROOMS NEXT TO MINE?

WELL, YES, I DO APPRECIATE THAT.

BUT I ALSO VALUE MY OWN PRIVACY.

YES, INDEED.

IT IS INTERRUPTING MY WORK.

OVER HERE, YOU ASK FOR THE CHECK AND PAY WITH A BILL.

IN ENGLAND, YOU ASK FOR A BILL AND PAY WITH A CHECK.

IS THAT THE TRUTH?

YES.

NO SHIT! HA HA HA.

A WRITER HERE.

FROM LONDON, ENGLAND.

LIKES WORDS.

[CUSTOMERS MURMUR]

HA!

HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

OH, UH, VERY WELL, THANK YOU.

YOU LIVE AROUND HERE?

NO, NO. WELL, NOT YET AT LEAST.

I'M--I'M, UH, LOOKING AT PROPERTY FOR SALE.

YOU'RE MOVING TO CHESTERTON?

WELL, IT'S A POSS...

[CAR ENGINE REVVING]

GREAT WHEELS, HUH?YES.

YOU KNOW, YOU'D COVER A LOT MORE GROUND IN A CAR.

YES, I SUPPOSE I WOULD.

MAY I GO ON MY WAY?

SURE. WE JUST LIKE TO KNOW WHAT STRANGERS ARE UP TO, THAT'S ALL.

YOU TAKE CARE NOW.YES.

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

Car: YOU ARE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO THIS VEHICLE.

PLEASE MOVE AWAY IMMEDIATELY.

THANK YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY.

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

[WATER RUNNING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO.

AH! MRS. ABBOTT.

YES, A TYPEWRITER SEEMS TO HAVE APPEARED IN MY ROOM.

OH, HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

COCKTAILS?

NO, I'M AFRAID NOT.

I HAVE TO BE UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN.

MORNING.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FOOT?

OH, BLISTER OR 2.

YOU TAKE IT EASY NOW.

HEY, STRIDER, YOU, YOU GO HOME NOW.

STRIDER?

[STRIDER WHIMPERS]

STRIDER?

[WOOF]

[BARKING AND GROWLING]

I HAD ONE ONCE CALLED TIFFY.

TIFFY? WHAT KIND OF A-- WHAT IS THAT, A, UH,

WHAT'S THAT, A PANSY NAME?

COME ON, TIFFY LIVED TO BE 15.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT HOW LONG THE DOG LIVED,

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT NAMES.

THERE'S A LOT OF CAESARS AROUND.

WHAT ABOUT SPOT?

SPOT! THAT'S, THAT'S THE NAME

THAT EVERYBODY CALLS THEIR DOG, SPOT.

WHAT IF THE DOG HAS NO SPOTS?

THEY ALL GOT SPOTS.

NO, SOMETIMES THEY GOT PATCHES.

AND THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PATCH AND A SPOT.

THEN THEY CALL IT PATCH OR PATCHY

OR PATCH--PATCHES.

IF IT'S GOT STRIPES, THEY CALL IT STRIPY.

THAT'S STUPID.

OR STRIPES.COME ON.

WHY, DO YOU WANT A DOG, GILES?

I CAN GET YOU PUPPIES FOR FREE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I JUST HEARD

SOME RATHER STRANGE NAMES, THAT'S ALL.

UM...

IS STRIDER COMMON?

RIDER? STRIPER? STRIDER?

STRIDER. STRIPER?

STRIDER? STRIDER?

I NEVER HEARD OF IT.

I NEVER HEARD OF THAT.

STRIDER? STRIDER?

OH, SURE, STRIDER, CAESAR,

THEY'RE ALL A DAMN NUISANCE.

YOU NEVER KNEW TIFFY.

Woman: STRIDER?

STRIDER?

WHAT IS IT, BOY?

IT'S JUST A SQUIRREL, YOU IDIOT.

COME ON. IN.

I CAN'T TAKE YOU TO THE SUPERMARKET.

JESUS.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

YOU NEED A HOSPITAL?

NEAREST SUPERMARKET.

MOVE OVER, PLEASE. IT, IT IS AN EMERGENCY!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

HEY!

I AM MOST DREADFULLY SORRY.

I DO HOPE NOTHING'S BROKEN.

I GUESS NOT.

WE JUST DON'T HAVE THINGS THIS SIZE IN ENGLAND.

RATHER TRICKY TO CONTROL.

IT'S OK. TAKE IT EASY.

OH, HAVEN'T, HAVEN'T WE MET?

I DON'T THINK SO.

AH, NO. I'VE SEEN YOUR PHOTOGRAPH.

ARE YOU A FILM STAR?

WOULD YOU MIND JUST LEAVING ME ALONE?

OH, NO, OF COURSE!

YOU'RE ENGAGED TO ABIGAIL'S IDOL.

I COULD REALLY DO WITHOUT THIS!

OH, NO, NO, NO, ER, UM,

MY GODCHILD ABIGAIL HAS A HUGE CRUSH

ON THIS VERY YOUNG, UM, PROMISING AMERICAN ACTOR

AND HIS NAME IS RONNIE...

IS IT, NO, RONNIE, RONNIE BOSTOCK, ISN'T IT?

YOU MADE A VERY HANDSOME COUPLE.

Audrey: WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU WRITE?

OH, I'M HARDLY A HOUSEHOLD NAME OVER HERE.

ARE YOU WORKING ON ONE NOW?

WELL, IF I'M INSPIRED BY THE SOOTHING RUSTLE

OF THE LONG ISLAND SURF,

AS YOUR WALT WHITMAN PUT IT.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME.

ARE YOU OVER FOR LONG?

EXCUSE ME?

FROM HOLLYWOOD?

OH, WE LIVE HERE.

OH, REALLY?

RON'S IN L.A. RIGHT NOW.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S SO BIG IN ENGLAND.

I NEVER KNEW THAT.

IT'S EXTREMELY KIND OF YOU.

THIS ISN'T MANHATTAN, YOU KNOW,

YOU CAN'T JUST HAIL A CAB.

INDEED.

YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF GROCERIES

FOR SOMEONE STAYING IN A MOTEL.

YES, I'VE--I'VE ALWAYS BEEN RATHER VAGUE

ABOUT DOMESTIC ARRANGEMENTS,

BUT I WANTED TO FIND OUT HOW AMERICANS SHOP,

WHAT YOU EAT, AND SO ON.

ACTUALLY, I CAN HIGHLY RECOMMEND

THE CHEESEBURGERS AT CHEZ d'IRV.

OH, GOD, YOU'VE BEEN TO THAT DIVE?

WELL, PERHAPS YOU CAN RECOMMEND SOMEWHERE SUPERIOR.

WELL, THERE ARE SOME GREAT SEAFOOD PLACES UP THE COAST,

BUT YOU GOTTA DRIVE THERE.

WELL, ALLOW ME TO TAKE YOU OUT FOR A SPOT OF LUNCH.

I COULDN'T, REALLY.

TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS.

I DON'T THINK SO.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

YOU'RE BOTH VERY TALENTED, MY DEAR.

THANKS.

OH, YOU MUST GIVE RONNIE TIPS, NO DOUBT.

TIPS?

WELL, DOESN'T HE HAVE TO DO PHOTOGRAPHS

FOR THE FAN MAGAZINES?

PHOTO SHOOTS, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

HE HATES THEM.

OH, HE SEEMS RATHER GOOD AT IT.

OH, SURE. IT'S JUST HE THINKS YOU CAN'T BE A TEEN IDOL

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A SERIOUS ACTOR.

OH, DOES HE?

IT'S CRAZY. I MEAN, MOST OF THE ACTORS I KNOW WAIT TABLES.

WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?

I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL HIM

I'VE MET A FAMOUS BRITISH WRITER

WHO THINKS HE'S GOT THE LOOK OF A YOUNG OLIVIER, WAS IT?

UH, A LITTLE.

I SHOULD BE WRITING THIS DOWN.

HEY, MAYBE YOU COULD DO A SCRIPT FOR HIM OR SOMETHING.

WELL, I DON'T EXACTLY WRITE

FOR THE YOUTH MARKET, AUDREY.

OH, WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

HE'S SO SICK OF PLAYING DUMB KIDS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

OH, IT'S OK. THE MACHINE'S ON.

Ronnie: HEY, BABE. HONEY?

OH, I GUESS YOU'RE OUT. AGAIN. HA HA!

IT'S RON.

AH, YOU BETTER NOT BE HAVING A GOOD TIME WITHOUT ME.

THINGS ARE PRETTY COOL HERE. I'LL, UH, TALK TO YOU LATER.

LOVE YOU.

I'LL CALL HIM LATER.

OH, GILES, I FORGOT. YOU CAN SMOKE HERE

IF YOU WANT. WE DON'T, BUT...

GILES...

ARE YOU OK?

DEAR GOD, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

Audrey: IT'S INCREDIBLE. HE'S SEEN ALL YOUR WORK,

AND HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE REALLY BIG IN ENGLAND.

YOU'D JUST LOVE HIM.

HE'S SO BRITISH, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

SCREW YOU! HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY FATHER.

SO, RONNIE WILL BE BACK SOON?

UH-HUH.

WELL, DO GIVE HIM MY REGARDS.

SURE.

TELL HIM THAT I WILL BE FOLLOWING HIS CAREER WITH GREAT INTEREST.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL HIM.

I'D LIKE HIM TO MEET YOU.

I GUESS YOU'RE BUSY, THOUGH, WITH YOUR WRITING?

WELL, YES, I AM, BUT...

OH, I DON'T KNOW. WE'RE REALLY BUSY, TOO.

AND HE CAN GET KIND OF SHY.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HE'LL CALL YOU.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

SO, GILES,

HE MAY NOT SHOW IT, RIGHT, BUT...

HE REALLY WANTS TO HEAR WHAT YOU TOLD ME.

ABOUT HIS POTENTIAL.

OH, REALLY?

REALLY.

HE'S BEEN KIND OF LOW SINCE HE GOT BACK.

IF YOU COULD FIND SOME WAY OF TELLING HIM

WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM,

WELL, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

IT WAS THE COPS.

THEY'RE KEEPING AN EYE ON THE PLACE.

ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS SAW SOME WEIRDO HANGING AROUND.

OH, YEAH. I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

ARE YOU GUYS COMING IN OR WHAT?

IT'S NOTHING, REALLY, GILES.

SHAKESPEARE?

OH, YES. HIS PLAYS ARE FULL OF IT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT IF SHAKESPEARE WAS ALIVE TODAY,

HE'D BE DOING THINGS LIKE HOTPANTS COLLEGE?

ALL I'M SAYING, RONNIE, IS THAT SHAKESPEARE USED BAWDY HUMOR

TO PLEASE THE MOB IN THE PIT.

I NEVER KNEW THAT.

YES, AND OF COURSE, HE WAS ABLE TO ELEVATE HIS MATERIAL

BEYOND SUCH LIMITATIONS...

AS HAVE YOU.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT GOOD ACTING

AS IF IT WERE, SAY, MERELY GOOD COOKING.

OH, UH, BY THE WAY, THE TERIYAKI WAS DELICIOUS.

THANKS.

I'M TALKING ABOUT A TYPE OF ACTING THAT IS PURELY INSTINCTIVE.

YOU SEE, RONNIE, YOU HAVE SOMETHING

THAT GIVES EVEN THE MOST CASUAL LOOK OR GESTURE A REAL INTENSITY.

YEAH?

OH, YES!

AND IT CAME AS NO SURPRISE TO ME

WHEN I HEARD THAT YOU'D BEEN RESCUED

AT AN EARLY AGE FROM THE HELL OF ADVERTISING.

IT WAS OBVIOUS TO ME THAT SOME PRODUCERS,

SOME ASTUTE PRODUCER, HAD SEEN WHAT I SAW

WHEN ABIGAIL PERSUADED ME TO SEE HOTPANTS COLLEGE II.

YEAH, BUT THE ONLY REASON I GOT THAT ROLE IS BECAUSE

I LOOKED LIKE THE GUY WHO PLAYED MIKEY IN THE ORIGINAL.

YES, BUT DIDN'T YOU COMPLETELY RE-INVENT THE CHARACTER

WITH A MERE STRING OF LINES?

DIDN'T YOU MAKE MIKEY THE FOCUS OF THE ENTIRE STORY?

WELL, I WOULDN'T EXACTLY SAY THAT.

AS FOR YOUR FATE IN THE PIZZA PARLOR,

THE PLASTIC TOMATO AND ALL THAT, WELL...

WELL, OH, I DON'T KNOW. THIS MAY SOUND ABSURD, BUT...

NO.

MY POINT OF REFERENCE WOULD BE WALLIS' PAINTING

OF THE TRAGIC YOUNG WRITER CHATTERTON...

THAT HANGS IN THE TATE GALLERY.

I'D REALLY LIKE TO SEE THAT.

BUT, GILES, WE'VE SEEN HOTPANTSIN THEATERS WITH KIDS

AND THEY DON'T GET ANY OF THAT.

OF COURSE NOT.

BUT IT'S MADE FOR THEM.

BUT THEY'RE THE RABBLE IN THE PIT.

Audrey: WE SAW HOTPANTS AT THIS DRIVE-IN USED TO BE HERE.

RON KEPT HIS SUNGLASSES ON THE WHOLE TIME.

GILES, DID YOU EVER SEE TEX MEX?

OH, I DID, INDEED.

MORE THAN ONCE.

REALLY KILLED ME WHEN THAT ONE BOMBED.

OH, YES, I'M AFRAID IT SUFFERED THE SAME FATE IN EUROPE.

I REALLY BELIEVED IN THAT PROJECT.

YOU KNOW, IT HAD-- IT HAD A REAL MESSAGE.

YES, IT WAS A GREAT SHAME, REALLY.

YOU SEE, IN EUROPE, WE HAVE A MUCH STRONGER TRADITION OF WORK

WITH WHAT YOU CALL A MESSAGE.

WELL, THAT IS, AFTER ALL, WHY I'VE BEEN PERSUADED

TO WRITE MY FIRST SCREENPLAY.

YES, IF TEX MEXHAD BEEN, SAY, GERMAN, ABOUT THE PLIGHT

OF THE EXPLOITED GASTARBEITERS,

IT WOULD'VE MET WITH A FAR GREATER SUCCESS.

THEY HAVE MEXICANS IN GERMANY?

IT PROBABLY WOULD'VE MADE LESS MONEY THAN HOTPANTS,

BUT THEN, YOU SEE, IN EUROPE, WE'RE NOT NECESSARILY INTERESTED

IN THAT KIND OF A SUCCESS.

NOT WHEN A FILM CAN CHANGE THE WAY PEOPLE THINK.

AND THAT, RONNIE,

IS WHY I WRITE.

IT'S ALSO WHY YOU ACT.

ALTHOUGH YOU MAY NOT YET KNOW IT.

[WHIRRING]

Ronnie: ARE YOU, UH...

YOU MARRIED OR SOMETHING?

I WAS.

MY WIFE DIED UNEXPECTEDLY SOME TIME AGO.

SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

GOT ANY KIDS?

NO. NO. MY WIFE WAS RATHER OLDER THAN MYSELF.

OH, LIKE ME AND AUD.

[CHUCKLING]

YES, INDEED.

SO WHAT'S THIS SCRIPT ABOUT?

SCRIPT?

YEAH. YOU SAID YOU WERE WORKING ON A SCREENPLAY.

OH, YES, THAT.

OH, I COULDN'T SUBJECT YOU TO WORK IN PROGRESS.

WHY NOT?

AND THEN, OF COURSE, THERE IS THE RISK OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT.

WHAT? HA HA HA.

GILES, WE'RE OLD FRIENDS, HUH?

HMM.

WELL...

OH, COFFEE ALWAYS TAKES HER FOREVER.

INDEED.

HEY, STRIDER.

SO WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

WELL...

IT CONCERNS A YOUNG MAN, RONNIE,

ABOUT YOUR AGE, I SUPPOSE.

HE'S A DEAF MUTE BROUGHT UP IN COMPLETE ISOLATION.

HIS ONLY HUMAN CONTACT IS THROUGH THE TELEVISION,

SO HE HAS BEEN SUBJECTED TO RATHER EXCESSIVE

AND UNREALISTIC TYPES OF BEHAVIOR.

HE NEVER SPEAKS?

OH, HE CANNOT SPEAK.

WOW.

OH, YES. I'M DETERMINED

THAT THE AUDIENCE SHARE HIS SUBJECTIVE STATE

RATHER THAN MERELY PITY HIM,

BECAUSE, WELL, THAT WOULD BE AWFUL.

YEAH, YEAH.

SO WHAT HAPPENS?

UNDERSTANDABLY ENOUGH, HE YEARNS TO ENTER THE REAL WORLD,

SO HE SURRENDERS HIMSELF TO THE MOST IRRATIONAL DESIRE

KNOWN TO MANKIND.

MAYBE YOU CAN GUESS WHAT THAT IS.

IT IS THE DESIRE TO FALL IN LOVE, RONNIE.

AND SINCE HE'S BEEN EXPOSED TO SUCH A THING

ON THE TELEVISION EVERY DAY, IT BECOMES HIS QUEST,

SO TO SPEAK.

AND EVERY TALE,

WHETHER IT BE RICHARD IIIOR HOTPANTS COLLEGE III,

CENTERS UPON A QUEST.

AND, AS IN MY OTHER WORK, IT WILL INEVITABLY END WITH A SACRIFICE.

THE FRENCH, IN PARTICULAR, SEEM TO LIKE SUCH A THING.

HOWEVER, I SUSPECT IT IS NOT ONE FOR THE DRIVE-INS.

OH, THANK YOU, MY DEAR!

DECAF AU LAIT, NO DOUBT?

UH-HUH.

THANKS, BABE.

IT'S BRILLIANT, MAN.

OH, I DON'T THINK SO, NOT YET AT LEAST.

OH, IT IS.

I'VE NEVER HEARD A STORYLINE LIKE THAT.

I'M TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY.

THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

IT'S KIND OF ARTSY, I GUESS.

OH, DEAR. IS THAT BAD?

NO! NO! THAT'S GOOD.

HAVE YOU SEEN BIRDY?

BIRDY?

BIRDY,YEAH. IT'S AN ALAN PARKER FILM.

I MET HIM ONCE.

HE'S FROM ENGLAND, TOO.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

OH, IT'S JUST A FAX.

PROBABLY MORE REWRITES.

OH, REALLY?

MM-HMM.

YOU CAN SMOKE, GILES.

WELL.

YOU SMOKE?

[GROANS]

BAD HABIT, MAN.

OH, YES, I KNOW.

WE'D NEVER HAVE MET IF HE DIDN'T.

REALLY? WHY IS THAT?

GILES CHOSE TO STAY IN CHESTERTON

BECAUSE HE SMOKES CHESTERTONS.

Ronnie: COOL.

GILES, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE SAYING

ABOUT BEING A WRITER AND WANTING NEW EXPERIENCES AND ALL?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE IT'S NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

COME ON. TELL US, BABE.

WELL, I WAS JUST THINKING,

I HAVE A SHOOT IN THE CITY TOMORROW AND I JUST THOUGHT

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO COME?

THEY'RE SO BORING.

NOT NECESSARILY. NOT IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ON ONE.

WELL, I'M NOT COMIN'.

I'M NOT INVITING YOU.

THEY'RE TOTALLY BORING, GILES.

OH, WOULDN'T I BE IN THE WAY?

I'D LOVE YOU TO COME.

I'M SURE YOU'D GET SOME GREAT IDEAS.

I GOT A BETTER IDEA.

WHY DON'T I SHOW YOU THE HAMPTONS?

Audrey: YOU DON'T LIKE THE HAMPTONS.

I DO OFF SEASON.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WELL, IT'S SUCH A CHOICE.

ONE...

COULDN'T DO BOTH?

NO WAY.

OK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

IF THE WEATHER'S OK, WE'LL GO TO THE COAST.

IF IT'S RAINING, YOU GO INTO THE CITY WITH THE SUPERMODEL HERE.

HMM. WELL, THAT DOES SOUND FAIR.

OK, BABE?

Announcer: LARUE DIGS IT OUT OF THE CORNER.

[CHANGES CHANNEL]

SO THINGS LOOK GOOD FOR WASHINGTON AND BALTIMORE TOMORROW.

IT'S A DIFFERENT STORY IN NEW YORK.

JUST LOOK AT THOSE CLOUDS GOBBLING UP MANHATTAN.

THEY'RE SURE TO BRING RAIN TOMORROW AND PLENTY OF IT.

OVER ON LONG ISLAND, IT'S GOING TO BE EVEN WORSE

WITH BOTH COASTS PULLING IN THAT LOW PRESSURE.

HERE HE IS.

CAN WE HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

OH, THANK YOU.

OH, NO, NO, GO AHEAD. PUT THEM ON. IT'S BRIGHT OUT THERE.

VERY NICE. VERY NICE, INDEED.

Giles: "HEY, DUDE, HOW'S IT HANGING?"

Ronnie: IT'S COOL.

"HEY, MAN, I'M REAL SORRY ABOUT YOUR MOTHER.

LIFE'S A BITCH, HUH?"

YEAH, I GUESS.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, BRAD?

I JUST WISH I COULD'VE MADE THINGS EASIER FOR HER.

"YEAH?"

YEAH.

SEEMS LIKE SHE WAS ALWAYS WORKING AND STUFF.

I NEVER REALLY GOT A CHANCE TO KNOW HER.

UH, "HEY, MAN, DON'T GRIEF OUT ON ME."

SORRY, MAN.

JUST FEELING A BIT LONESOME, YOU KNOW?

"HEY, YOU'RE A COLLEGE BOY NOW.

ALL THOSE BABES DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU LONESOME."

SURE. LIKE I'M MR. POPULAR.

"WELL, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU MR. POPULAR.

AND THAT'S A PROMISE."

MMM!

A POIGNANT LITTLE SCENE.

YEAH, IT SETS UP THE WHOLE STORYLINE.

SEE, I GO TO COLLEGE, ALL THE COLLEGE GIRLS TRY TO MOTHER ME,

BUT I FALL IN LOVE WITH A TEACHER

WHOSE HUSBAND TURNS OUT TO BE A GRAND WIZARD IN THE KKK.

UH, SOMETHING OF A MESSAGE THERE?

AH, IT'S THE USUAL STUFF.

TELL ME...

DO YOU GET A CHANCE TO DELIVER A EULOGY TO YOUR MOTHER?

NO. NO. NO WAY.

IT WOULD HOLD UP THE ACTION.

ARE YOU ALLOWED TO IMPROVISE?

THANKS, BABE.

THEY GET PRETTY NERVOUS ABOUT THAT.

HMM.

WHAT'S THE POINT?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING YOURSELF?

I WAS TALKING TO OUR NEIGHBOR. IS THAT OK?

IS THIS ONE OF THOSE TELEPHONES THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PLUGGED IN?

QUITE REMARKABLE, ISN'T IT?

HEY, I HAVE A GREAT IDEA!

GILES, WHY DON'T YOU CALL YOUR GODCHILD IN ENGLAND?

I'M SORRY?

ABIGAIL, ISN'T IT?

YOU CAN CALL HER AND TELL HER YOU'RE SITTING HERE WITH RONNIE BOSTOCK,

AND RON COULD SAY HI TO HER.

I KNOW SHE'D JUST DIE.

WELL, I'M AFRAID--

I'M AFRAID IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IN ENGLAND.

Audrey: THEY'RE ONLY 5 HOURS AHEAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT, AUD...

THAT'S ABOUT THE STUPIDEST IDEA I EVER HEARD.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THE KID, HUH?!

I'M SORRY, GILES.

JESUS!

Giles: RONNIE, BRACKETS, AT HIS MOTHER'S GRAVE, END OF BRACKETS.

I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS BY WALT WHITMAN,

IF THAT'S OK WITH EVERYONE.

Ronnie: I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS BY WALT WHITMAN,

IF THAT'S OK WITH EVERYONE.

"THE UNTOLD WANT BY LIFE AND LAND NEVER GRANTED."

"NOW VOYAGER,

SAIL THOU FORTH TO SEEK AND FIND."

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Man: LET'S GO. BRING HIM HOME! BRING HIM IN, MAN!

Giles: I SUSPECT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE RULES TO ME.

OK. YOU GOT TO HIT THE BALL AND RUN ROUND THE BASES TO HOME.

HENCE BASEBALL.

HMM. RATHER LIKE CIRCULAR CRICKET.

I GUESS.

[CHEERING AND BANTER]

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG, AUDREY?

WE'RE GOING TO SEE MY FOLKS TOMORROW.

UP IN VERMONT.

VERMONT.

FOR A WEEK.

FOR A WEEK.

BEFORE RON HAS TO GO BACK.

THAT'S A STRIKE, GILES.

TO, UH, LOS ANGELES?

RIGHT.

RONNIE NEVER MENTIONED THIS.

HE DOESN'T KNOW YET.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE STILL HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO ON THE SCRIPT?

THAT'S TOO BAD.

I GUESS HE'LL GET BY.

THAT'S A STRIKE,TOO, GILES.

AUDREY, SURELY IT IS AS CLEAR TO YOU AS IT IS TO ME

THAT HE DESERVES A GREAT DEAL MORE THAN GETTING BY.

HE'LL DO IT THIS TIME. HE NEVER GETS STRUCK OUT.

WATCH THIS, GILES. IT'S GOING TO BE A GOOD ONE.

THE BASES ARE LOADED.

YOU REALIZE THIS IS A VERY CRUCIAL MOMENT IN HIS LIFE.

GOD, YOU'RE GOOD.

[WHAP]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Audrey: THAT'S A HOME RUN, GILES.

[DIALING]

RONNIE.

Giles: SO...

THIS IS YOUR LAST DAY IN LONG ISLAND.

OR SHOULD ONE SAY ONLONG ISLAND?

YEAH, WELL, IT'S GETTIN' KINDA ITCHY, SO...

I'M ALSO LEAVING LONG ISLAND SOON.

REALLY?

WELL, WE SHOULD HOOK UP IN EUROPE SOMETIME.

I'D LIKE THAT.

RONNIE, I'D LIKE THAT VERY MUCH.

OF COURSE, YOU MUST HONOR YOUR OBLIGATIONS TO AUDREY,

THOUGH IT STRIKES ME THAT YOU'RE VERY YOUNG TO BE MAKING SUCH A COMMITMENT,

ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR CAREER AT THIS CRUCIALSTAGE.

YEAH, WELL, A GUY'S GOTTA KNOW WHEN HE'S ON TO A GOOD THING, RIGHT?

IT WAS LIKE THAT FOR YOU, WASN'T IT?

UH...

WELL, I SUPPOSE SO, YES.

IT'S A...BIRTHMARK.

THEY COVER IT UP FOR SHOOTING,

BUT...

I LIKE IT.

YOU KNOW...

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS ON THE RIGHT.

HOW DO YOU MEAN?

RONNIE, I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE TO YOU.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

OH, SHIT, GILES, I'M SORRY. I HAD TO DROP AUD--

SEVERAL YEARS, IN FACT.

WHAT?

RONNIE, THERE IS NOTHING MORE SOLITARY

THAN AN ARTIST'S LIFE.

NO DOUBT YOU'LL FIND THAT OUT FOR YOURSELF.

PAINFULLY, PERHAPS.

ONE YEARNS FOR SOLACE WITHOUT QUITE KNOWING WHERE TO LOOK FOR IT.

BUT I FOUND IT IN YOU.

OH.

THAT'S GREAT.

RONNIE, I HAVE ANOTHER CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I BROUGHT YOU HERE NOT TO SAY GOOD-BYE...

BUT TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER.

AN OFFER?

I AM PREPARED...

TO DEVOTE MYSELF TO YOUR CAREER.

WOW.

GILES, I, UH...

AHEM.

I'M HONORED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I--

YOU GOT TO COME OUT WEST.

WE CAN START TO WORK ON SOMETHING.

NO, RONNIE,

FORGET LOS ANGELES.

PUT IT BEHIND YOU.

YOUR FUTURE LIES IN EUROPE.

GILES, I GOTTA TAKE THINGS ONE STEP AT A TIME.

I MEAN, SURE, AUD WOULD LOVE TO GO BACK TO EUROPE AND DO SOME MORE WORK,

AND IT WOULD BE COOL TO SPEND SOME TIME THERE.

COOL?

I'M TALKING ABOUT A TURNING POINT IN YOUR LIFE.

BUT I'VE GOT NO CONTACTS THERE.

PEOPLE KNOW ME HERE.

AS WHAT?

RONNIE...

AS WHAT?

LOOK, UM...

WE'LL KEEP IN TOUCH, HUH?

LISTEN TO ME, RONNIE.

IN EUROPE, IT IS OFTEN THE CASE

THAT A YOUNG MAN BENEFITS FROM THE WISDOM AND THE EXPERIENCE

OF AN ELDER.

WHY, THERE'S ALMOST A TRADITION OF SUCH FRIENDSHIPS.

COCTEAU AND RADIGUET.

UH, VERLAINE, RIMBAUD.

RAMBO?

ARTHUR RIMBAUD.

FRENCH POET.

HE...

HE WAS PAUL VERLAINE'S LOVER.

LOOK, GILES, UH...

I REALLY GOTTA GO. I GOTTA PICK UP AUD

AND I DON'T WANT HER TO BE ALONE--

NO, LISTEN,

I UNDERSTAND YOUR MISGIVINGS

AND I RESPECT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE, UH...

IMMEDIATE PLANS ARE FOUNDED ON THESE

TEMPORARY ATTACHMENTS.

TEMPORARY ATTACHMENTS?

WELL, RONNIE...

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH AUDREY IS HARDLY LIKELY TO LAST FOREVER.

AND WHY IS THAT?

WELL...

IT--

I--I'M AFRAID IT'S OBVIOUS TO ME.

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, GILES?!

[WHISPERING] Ronnie, please...

LOOK, GILES,

I WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE

ALL OF THE THINGS THAT YOU SAID ABOUT MY CAREER,

BUT...

YOU GOT THINGS ALL WRONG.

Ronnie,

RONNIE, LISTEN TO ME.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

GILES, I THINK I DO UNDERSTAND,

AND...

I HAVE TO GO NOW.

OH, HOW CAN YOU ACT LIKE THIS?

WHEN YOU KNOW...

YOU MUST KNOW...

HOW COMPLETELY...

HOW DESPERATELY...

I LOVE YOU.

DEAR GOD.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

[RADIO PLAYING HORSE RACES]

HOW YOU DOING?

I WONDER IF YOU COULD DO ME A GREAT FAVOR

AND ADD THIS TO YOUR DELIVERIES.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THAT, SIR.

IT'S A FEDERAL OFFENSE.

SURELY--

I'M SORRY, SIR.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[FAX MACHINE BEEPS]

Giles: MY DEAR RONNIE,

IT IS SO DIFFICULT TO KNOW WHERE I SHOULD BEGIN,

ESPECIALLY WHEN, UNLIKE YOU,

I ALREADY KNOW THE ENDING.

BUT LET US SAY THAT THIS STORY BEGAN WITH THE END OF ANOTHER

FAR, FAR FROM THE SURF OF LONG ISLAND.

TELL ME, WHEN ONE SENDS A FAX,

UH, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR IT TO BE REVERSED?

HOW DO YOU MEAN, SIR?

WELL, CAN IT BE GOT BACK?

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

I IMAGINE NOT.

YOU WANT TO TURN BACK?

OH, I THINK IT'S RATHER LATE FOR THAT.

YOU SURE?

QUITE SURE, THANK YOU.

HEY!

Giles: WELL, RONNIE, THERE IT IS,

THE END OF OUR STORY.

AND ALSO THE BEGINNING OF A NEW STORY FOR ME,

BUT PERHAPS YOU'VE WORKED THAT OUT FOR YOURSELF.

BUT WHAT OF YOU, MY DARLING?

FOR NO ONE ON EARTH KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN I DO,

AND IF YOU'VE READ THUS FAR,

I KNOW YOU'LL NEVER BRING YOURSELF TO DESTROY THIS LETTER,

NOR WILL YOU EVER SHOW IT TO ANYONE ELSE.

AND IT WILL GRADUALLY DAWN ON YOU

THAT YOUR LIFE MIGHT HAVE TAKEN A VERY DIFFERENT COURSE

HAD YOU SIMPLY BEEN ABLE TO OPEN YOUR HEART TO ANOTHER.

AND YOU'LL OFTEN RETURN TO THIS LETTER.

YOU'LL READ IT AGAIN AND AGAIN

IN THE YEARS TO COME...

UNTIL YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO READ WHAT YOU'LL KNOW BY HEART.

AND YOU'LL CHERISH IT

AS A SOURCE OF PRIDE

IN THE FACE OF AN UNCARING WORLD.

Ronnie: I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS BY WALT WHITMAN,

IF THAT'S OK WITH EVERYONE.

NOW FINALE TO THE SHORE.

NOW LAND AND LIFE, FINALE AND FAREWELL.

THE UNTOLD WANT BY LIFE AND LAND NEVER GRANTED.

NOW VOYAGER, SAIL THOU FORTH

TO SEEK AND FIND.

♪ LYING AWAKE FOR YOU

♪ IN MY HEART, I'LL FIND A PLACE FOR YOU ♪

♪ LOCKED INTO YOU

♪ I HAVE NO CHOICE IN THESE MOODS ♪

♪ LYING AWAKE FOR YOU

♪ I'M WILLING ALL MYSELF TO YOU ♪

♪ I HAVE NO CHOICE

♪ LYING AWAKE FOR YOU

♪ IN MY HEART, I'LL FIND A PLACE FOR YOU ♪

♪ LOCKED INTO YOU

♪ I HAVE NO CHOICE IN THESE MOODS ♪

♪ LYING AWAKE FOR YOU