All language subtitles for Ghosts.2021.S04E22.1080p.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab

Isaac, we just got off
the phone with the publisher.

They want to tell your story.

Provided your story
involves you being a vampire.

You got to take risks
every now and then.

Ho!

Maybe I'm just
attracted to the danger.

I'm the most pious among us.

Who experiences less joy than I?

Who is more severe?

Hi. I'm Kyle.

Kyle's a dumb name.

Well, at least I'm alive.

I can see ghosts.
He can see ghosts!

Sometimes I even

get to come to Earth
as a living human.

You have not seen
the last of me!

All right,
let's go to the zoo.

No. I made that up.

I just wanted to have
a private conversation

without the ghosts
hearing us.

So, no zoo? Oh, man, I really
wanted some Dippin' Dots.

Okay, big news.
The publisher just told me

they want to have a
big fancy launch party

for my vampire book
about Isaac next week.

That's awesome.
Here's the thing, though.

The party's in New York,
so Isaac can't go.

Ooh, he's gonna be so bummed,
which I can relate to

as a man who thought
he was gonna see tigers today.

Which is why I'm thinking

we just don't tell
the ghosts about it.

But we need a cover story

for why we're out
of town that night.

Got it. The Knicks are
giving me a tryout

'cause they uncovered some
of my old high school tapes.

Swish.

Seriously?

I'm low on blood sugar, okay?

This is why I need my Dots.

Please. We're out already,
we got our jackets on...

They got a new baby hippo.

Okay. Fine.

What's going on here?

Oh, Bela's taking
headshots of Jay.

He wants to be ready in
case anyone ever wants

to write an article
about his restaurant.

Does someone want to write an
article about the restaurant?

No. Sadly, he's putting
the cart before the horse.

But what he should do is
put the horse into the pie,

and then the articles
will surely follow.

Just got back
from the Windy City.

Hey!

Kyle and I went
on a sausage tour.

I spent the whole weekend
smelling his kielbasa.

Who's Kyle?
And what's a kielbasa?

Kyle's that guy
who can see ghosts.

He was just
here last week.

And kielbasa is
a Polish tubed meat.

You're hanging out with Kyle
after he did Jay so dirty?

What? He apologized.

And the number of Livings
who can see ghosts

who I can hang out with
is very limited.

Oh, Sam, congratulations,
by the way.

Kyle tells me the
publisher is throwing you

a big fancy book
launch party

in Manhattan.
What?!

I'm pretty
sure you're mistaken, Pete.

What? No.
Kyle talked to Bela,

and she told him.

Is that why you're
going to New York?

I-I thought it was for Jay's
tryout with the Knickerbockers.

Jay, you told Bela
about the launch party

and she told Kyle.

I told her off-property.
I thought that was okay.

Bela, why are you
talking to Kyle?

You have a boyfriend.
What?

It never hurts to have
someone waiting in the wings.

Eric could get
hit by a bus.

Oh, my God. She gonna push
Eric in front of a bus.

Will someone please
tell me what's going on?
Isaac.

The publishing company
is throwing

a big launch party for the book.

I didn't say anything

because it's out of town
and you can't go.

I didn't want you
to feel left out.

And yet, left out I feel.

Like Peter from numerous
school dances growing up,

I assume.
Hey!

Am I wrong?
No.

I'm sorry, Isaac.

That makes two of us.

Well, that was one heck

of a House Hunters
International episode.

Although the postmortem
about how it was filmed

before the hurricane
did put a damper on things.

Well, I'm off.
I'll see you ladies later.

What was that?
What?

Did you just ogle
Peter's posterior?
You saw that?

If this were a cartoon,

your tongue would currently be
unspooling across the floor.

Okay, fine!

I'm hot for Pete.

Ever since that night
he and I almost kissed.

Peter's Revenge.

That's what we've all
been calling it.

I can't stop
thinking about him.

He's a dorky travel agent
with knobby knees,

but now all I can see is
this globe-trotting bad boy

who ain't afraid
to show some leg!

I mean,
Peter? Really?

With those high socks
and silly wordplay?

I had a dirty dream
about him.

I made him keep
his socks on.

Bertie.
Promise me

you won't say
anything to anyone.

No, no, no, you can
trust me, Alberta.

My son murdered someone.

I kept that secret
for a hundred years.

I know. It was me.

Perhaps you aren't
the best audience

for that particular anecdote,
but it does prove my point.

Your shameful secret
is safe with me.

Isaac, I really do feel bad

about the book launch
party, so...

I convinced them to do
the party here instead.

Surprise!

What?

No one's ever
surprised me before.

Except the British
at White Plains--

which I deftly repelled
with a surrender--

but never anything like this.

I just called the publisher
and explained

that I had crippling
agoraphobia,

which I was able to back up
with a note from my therapist.

Thank you, Thor.
You're welcome.

Glad that Thor
eating best friend

in some small way
help you move party.

But, Samantha, it will still be
well-attended up here, yes?

I mean, I'm thrilled
to participate,

but I wouldn't want
the change of venue

to compromise the success
of the event.

Don't worry, Isaac,
everyone is still coming.

All the tastemakers,

all the buyers
from the big booksellers.

Trust me,
it's gonna be awesome.

Of course it is. I mean,
the place is looking great.

It's gonna be fun!

And who doesn't like fun?

Uh, guys...

We got company.

Oh! Hey, Patience.

I smell the devil's presence.

Okay...

Yes.

Yes. Evil is near.

I shall snuff it out.

Patience!

Nice to see you, too.

Who is this lady?

Our editor. She's the best.

Most of her notes concerned
things Samantha insisted upon.

She generally loves
all my stuff.

Are you sure
you don't want us

to throw up some cobwebs
or some spooky stuff?

I mean, it is
a vampire novel.

Yeah, but this isn't Comic-Con.

Yeah, Jay, it
isn't Comic-Con.

This may be a YA genre novel,

but we're hosting New York's
literary elite tonight,

and they don't respond well
to gimmicks.

That's the tone Sharon uses

when she scolds Samantha
for a stray comma,

and she uses a lot of them.

Check out this poster.
Isaac wishes.

That vampire would certainly
clean up with the ladies.

Kind of like this guy
recently.

Oh, geez, I hope it
goes well tonight.

I mean, all these VIPs that
could make or break the book.

Apparently, there's
a lady coming

who has three
million followers.
Wow.

Bruce only had 32 followers.
How big is her yurt?

The evil is close.

Oh, my...

I can sense it.

Patience.

So good to see you.

Uh, how are things in the dirt?

What goeth on here?

Oh, they're setting up
for a book launch party.

Isaac and Sam wrote
a vampire novel.

What is a vampire?

It's an undead creature
that sucks blood

and drains the life force
out of people.

This party is
to celebrate the undead?

That sounds demonic.

I mean, we're ghosts,
so maybe don't throw stones.

Hey, guys.
What's she doing here?

What's going on?

I'm talking to the ghosts,

and I brought you over
so I don't look crazy.

But there's a Puritan here
who lives in the dirt

and has a history
of ruining events.

Something brought me
from the dirt today.

A presence most evil.

And now that I'm here,

I fear it is
this most unholy event

for which you are preparing.

Oh, no, this is
just a book party.

There's not gonna be
anything unholy happening here.

You guys got to try
these deviled eggs.

The eggs of the devil!

And lo, they're sprinkled
with the blood of the innocent.

Pretty sure that's
just paprika.

Listen, Patience...
Patience is here?

She's not gonna do the
wall blood thing, is she?

Wall blood thing?

That is exactly
what I intend to do.

This occult gathering
shall not occur.

No, no, no.

Wait, no. You're right.

The party totally has
satanic undertones

that I just didn't see.

But thank you for bringing them
to our attention.

We are gonna call
the whole thing off right now.
Mm-hmm.

Wait, we are?
Yes.

Patience is heartened

that you have
canceled your event.

And yet,

I still sense a strong
force of evil about.

Perhaps I shall remain
lest the evil show itself.

Uh, y-you know,
maybe the evil you're sensing

is back at the house.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, I've been
getting strong evil vibes

from the mansion lately.

You know, it would be great
to have an expert come

check it out,
maybe do a sweep?

I suppose I could investigate.

Thank you. You're a lifesaver.

Patience will not fail you.

Cool.
May I?

Oh, yes.
That woman's about to
eat the devil's egg.

She will carry his spawn!

What the...

Sorry, I saw some
shell in there.

Another soul saved.

Was he making puns

in the dirty dream?

I said I don't want
to discuss it anymore.

But yes, there was a lot of talk
about his arrow.

Greetings.
Oh, God. What's she doing here?

I mean... Hey, girl.

So, guys, Patience showed up
at the book launch.
Mm-hmm.

And helpfully identified
the proceedings as evil.

So with that
taken care of,

we thought maybe Patience
could help expose

and clean up
any evil here

in the house.

Away from the barn.

Oh, yeah.

You know, now that
you mention it,

that, uh, vase seems
pretty evil.

Mm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No. No, I'm not sensing

the devil's hand at play
in that vase.

Okay... but-but that.

Oh.
Oh.

Yeah, that thing screams evil.

I mean, look at it.

No. 'Tis just a toy.

It seems nothing
in this house

requires my righteous
intervention.

Perhaps I should return
to the barn

to ensure the devilish mirth
hath fully ceased.

Alberta's been having
impure thoughts about Peter.

What the hell, Hetty?!

Wait, what?
What?

She's been obsessed

since she tried to kiss him
and he face-palmed her.

And it just,
it seems really sinful.

And-and-and perhaps something
that you could help smite.

He... face-palmed you?

Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.

There is something we can do
that shall rid you of this evil.

I'm good.
Alberta!

Patience is willing to
help you here in the house.

No matter how long
that may take.

Fine.

Hallelujah!
I'm so excited.

But not too excited,
for to be so is a sin.

I can't believe Patience.

What did I ever do to her?

Well, you did sneeze
and let go of her hand,

abandoning her to the dirt
for over a century.

That feral Puritan
almost ruined

my book's chances
of becoming a bestseller.

And, with the grace of God,
a lavish Broadway musical.

I wonder
if Samantha could get

the Tonys relocated
to this barn.

Patience crazy.
She find evil in things

as innocent as picnic or orgy.

Point is, sometimes things
just good clean fun.

Right? There's nothing evil
going on here.

So, what part of the city
do you live in?

Mm. Hell's Kitchen.

Alberta, are you ready
to confess in detail

all your most impure thoughts
regarding Peter?

Yep, let's get
this over with.

But do these two
really need to be here?

It's not a Day of Humiliation
without witnesses.

A day of what?
Come in, everyone!
It's time.

Come in. That's it.
That's it.

Make sure you can see.

She can't feel your judgment
if she can't see you.

Seriously?

You want me to spill my guts
in front of Creepy Dirk?

Why am I being
singled out?

He's actually quite
an empathetic listener.

In the Puritan community,
we believed

that the surest way
to rid oneself

of impure urges was
to declare them publicly.

All right, let's do it!
Let her rip.

Okay, um...

Ah, screw it.
What the hell?

I've had lustful thoughts
about Pete.

And I can't seem
to stop them.

I thought it started
a couple weeks ago

when I saw this
different side of him.

This "bad boy" side.

But the truth is,

maybe these feelings
have always been there

and I just didn't
want to see them.

When I first met him,
I thought he was nice.

But maybe too nice.

Never the type of guy
I would ever go for,

so I kept him
at arm's length.

But maybe...

all I was really
denying was myself.

'Cause I'm starting to
think a guy like Pete

is exactly what I need.

But I blew it.

I waited until
he had a girlfriend

before I took my shot.

So I guess, shame on me.

Yes.

Shame on you.

Shame!

Shame!

Everyone.

Shame! Shame!

Shame!

Oh, my God, Kyle, get this.

The ghosts brought this, like,
Puritan lady back to the house

to distract her so she won't
ruin the book launch party.

I just came by the house
to grab something,

but I'm heading
back there now.

No, no, no. They told her
they canceled the party,

but then they just, like,
went ahead with it.

Patience hath been tricked?

Uh-oh.

Patience will not
stand for this.

Patience!

Wait!

I've had impure thoughts
about Catherine!

Don't do this, Stuart.

Keep going, Samantha.

They're loving
this excerpt you're reading.

"Isaac and his fellow patriots
crept onto the vessel

"under cover of darkness.

"The Boston Blood Party
was about to begin.

"'No exsanguination
without representation,'

"shouted Captain Higgintooth
at the Redcoats,

who howled impotently
at the moon."

So we're...
the werewolves?

I'm having trouble
following.

Oh, crap.

"...said Captain Higgintooth

a-as he heaved his barrel
into the bay."

We try to stop her,
Samantha.

If you won't put an end
to this demonic gathering,

then I shall.

Okay, um...

So cool! Right?

Oh, wow.

Oh, this is so cool.

Blood!

Because vampires.

That's clever.

Where does the
blood come from?

We don't ask that question.
There are no good answers.

Huzzah!

Yes, stand!

Thank you! Thank you so much.

Nancy?

Oh, oh. Alberta, hey!

I was just smelling
a block of cheese.

How'd you know it was me?

I, uh, recognized
one of your foot sores.

Oh, yeah, that's
a distinctive one. Thank you.

Have you seen Pete anywhere?
Yeah.

I think he fled the property.

What?
It was right after
your Day of Humiliation speech.

He said something about
having to get out of here.

And then he just booked it.

Those little twigs
can move fast.

Oh, my God. I scared him away.

It was pretty intense.

Not defending the guy,
but you laid a lot on him.

I'm such an idiot.
Damn it, Alberta.

This is what you get
for being vulnerable.

Oh, okay...

There, there?

Sorry, I'm not the greatest
in situations like these.

You know who
you should talk to?

Creepy Dirk.

He's a very empathetic listener.

Colonial Vampire.

May the sales
of this book begin

to remotely offset the amount
of money we've lost on ghosts.

- Proud of you, babe.
- Thank you, sweetie.

And thank you, Samantha.

Meant the world to see
the crowd reacting to our words.

Mostly my words,
but you did type them.

Jay, can you believe we're here

in your restaurant
celebrating my book?

We have come a long way.

I know, like,
we've had our ups and downs,

but it's feeling like everything
is starting to click for us.

Hi.

Just wanted to say,
great party.

The book looks really fun.

Thank you. I'm Sam.
This is my husband Jay.

He's actually the man
I came over here to talk to.

Jillian Klein.

Food editor,
New York Mag.

Just wanted to say the food
tonight was outstanding.

Oh, my God, thank you.

We've actually been
talking about Mahesh

in some of our internals.

Anyway, we'd love to do
a cover story on you

and the restaurant,
if you're interested.

That's amazing. That...
It's literally, like, my dream.

How do you even know
about the restaurant?

Well, to be honest,
it wasn't really on our radar,

being all the way out here.

But your publicist, he made
a really persuasive case.

And he was right.
Let's be in touch.

Okay.

Did you sign
with a publicist?

Yeah, I didn't want to tell you
'cause I was too embarrassed,

but then I thought,
what the hell?

Hello, Jay.

Oh, no.

Speak of the devil.

Here he is now.
Oh, my God!

What's wrong, babe?
This is Elias Woodstone.

What? No.

This is Brent,
my publicist.
No.

This is Hetty's husband,

who was also a ghost
that went to hell

but now apparently
has taken human form?

He got a promotion in hell,

and now he can
pose as a Living

to reap souls.

He told us a few weeks
ago when he popped by.

In retrospect, we probably
should've mentioned something.

You think?
What is going on?

Your wife is
correct, actually.

Although you know me
as Brent McAffee,

a hardworking publicist,

I am in fact Elias Woodstone,
an emissary for the devil.

No...
When you
signed the contract

to hire me, in exchange for
making your dreams come true,

I secured your soul for Satan.

Seriously?

Jay, you have to read
the fine print.

I told you all I would not rest

until I reaped a soul
from this house.

Oh, I wonder if this is the evil
Patience was sensing.

The little dirt troll
was right all along.

So, what does this mean, Elias?
Wh-When Jay dies,

- is he going to hell?
- Exactly.

By the way, you're welcome
for the cover story.

And it's looking good for
an appearance on Kelly Clarkson.

What? No, I want out.

Forget the cover story.
I want my soul.

Hmm. Unfortunately,
what's done is done.

What's important for you
is to relax

and enjoy what little time
you have left to live.

What do you mean
"little time"?

I-I'm still young.
I'm in good shape.

Not sure that true.
He mostly Sonic at this point.

Well, you are young,

but we have ways of
speeding things along.

Look out!

Oh!

Hmm, rats.

Thought I'd get him
on the first try.

Oh, well.

See you soon.

I'll get you
a quote on that.

Alberta...

Pete, uh-uh, I'm gonna
stop you right there.

All that stuff
I said before,

I was just going along with it
to distract Patience.

I didn't really mean
any of it.

So if we could
just forget it.

I don't want to forget it.
I want to talk about it.

Pete, you literally
fled the property.

You've been gone
for two days.

So let's just move on.

The reason I left was because
I had to go talk to Donna.

To tell her
that I can't see her anymore.

Because there's something
I have to do.

What?

This.

Oh, my.

Lip strength.
That's from my oboe days.

So, what did I miss
while I was gone?

Well, a couple things.

Sam, I'm afraid
to use the toaster!

Sam? I can't live like this!

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