All language subtitles for Tom.Gleeson.Lighten.Up.2021.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[AUDIENCE ROARS]

Yes!

Wow!

What a welcome!

How are you, Melbourne?
Are you ready to go?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

We're finally together.
We've done it!

We're here, we're together,

we put it off and then we're
back and we're in the same
room.

It's a miracle. I appreciate
it.

I started this tour last year
and then it stopped

and I restarted
in fuckin' Darwin.

[LAUGHTER]

That wasn't part of the plan.

Did a show in Darwin

and there it was like nothing
had ever happened.

You know, they hadn't had Covid
since 1975 or something.

They didn't give a fuck.
They're making out in the
street.

And they were really proud
of it too.

They were like, "Darwin, it's
the safest place on Earth."

It's the safest place on Earth.

You know who else did
really well? Canberra.

I'm just saying there's
an upside to being a shit hole,

you know what I mean?

It's pretty hard to get
the virus

when no-one wants to fuckin'
visit in the first place.

The ACT re-opened
its borders.

It wasn't even on the news.

You didn't even know
they were closed, did you?

But they did.

They closed ACT,
re-opened it.

"We've re-opened for business."

Even people from Queanbeyan are
like, "We don't give a fuck.

"We're not going back in
there."

[LAUGHTER]

So, yeah, so this tour had
started, beginning of last
year.

I was at the Adelaide Fringe,
and we were having a great
time.

We were doing sold-out shows
and it was amazing.

We knew something was coming
but we weren't sure what.

We were like, "Oh..."

It was like we were having
a party on the Titanic.

"Oh, yeah!
Oh, look, an iceberg.

"I'll get some ice for me
fuckin' drink," you know.

And I was one of those annoying
people who downplayed it.

I'm like, "Oh, yeah,
you'll get a sniffle, whatever!

"Apparently
if you're older you might die

"but that's already
the fuckin' case."

[LAUGHTER]

I thought we were going to lose
a lot of ABC viewers.

THAT I was worried about.

[LAUGHTER]

'Cause Hard Quiz's ratings

are going to go
in the fucking toilet!

[LAUGHTER]

And then it was all off
and I went to Byron Bay

'cause I was lucky,
I thought, "I can wait it out."

I thought, "If I'm going to do
fuck all

"I'll go to where
the professionals

- "of doing fuck all live."
- [LAUGHTER]

I went to Byron Bay
and I didn't fit in.

I was walking around dressed
like this. "Hi, everyone!"

People are pointing at me
in the street.

"Look at him.
I think he pays tax!"

[LAUGHTER]

Throwing almond milk
and shit at me.

"Get outta here!"

[LAUGHTER]

But I was happy about being
in Byron Bay 'cause I thought,

"When the vaccine arrives
there'll be very short queues."

[LAUGHTER]

It'd be me and the GP.
No-one else.

GP will be, "One for me,
one for you.

"There you go.

"We are the only two
in this entire region

"that believe in science."

[LAUGHTER]

Doesn't it feel good to get
together and have a laugh

and just put shit behind us?

- Does it feel good?
- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]

We're lucky.

I feel optimistic. It's good.

You know, Covid - fuck it!

Trump - fuck it!

- [LAUGHTER]
- The fires - fuck it!

'Cause that was full on,
wasn't it?

Man, those fires!

You know who annoyed me

were the people who were
pretending it was nothing new.

There was a senator
who said this, in parliament,

while the fires were
still burning.

He said, "Bushfires are part
of ordinary Australian life.

"They've got nothing to do
with climate change.

"We had major bushfires in
1939, 1968, 1983, 1994, 1999,

"2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004.

"It's the arsonists
you've got to worry about.

"2007, 2008.

"Hazard reduction's the
problem.

"2009."

"What conclusion did you
fucking draw, mate?"

You can't pick
and choose your science.

You can't pick and choose.

Like, if you're getting
a heart transplant,

you'd never say to the doctor,
"Oh, look, before you start,

"I was reading in the Herald
Sun the other day

"that it's better that instead
of using a heart

"you replace it
with a fucking avocado."

[LAUGHTER]

"That's what it said
in the newspaper.

"Then I turned the page

"and there was a full-page ad
for avocados."

[LAUGHTER]

"I don't know if these
two things are related."

And I got sick of
thirsty koalas, I'll be honest.

No, I'd had enough
of their shit. Every night.

Every night, another one crawls
out of the bushes, you know.

Well, that's how dumb
the media think we are.

Like the only way
we can understand

the scale of the tragedy is
if we see a singed marsupial.

We're like,
"Oh, now I understand."

Like where are
the thirsty goannas?

No-one gave a shit about them.

I wanted to see a goanna on the
front page of the Herald Sun

in the arms of a firefighter,
cradling it.

He's pouring Gatorade
down its throat.

It's got shit rotting in its
mouth, it's like... [GURGLES]

Tail flappin' around.

"Come on,
you cold-blooded bastard.

"You're supposed to be
a symbol of resilience!"

[LAUGHTER]

Do you know what
koalas sound like?

They sound like this.
[CROAKS]

They're not good.

There's a reason we don't
hear them in tourism campaigns.

We only see them.

Do you think tourists
would still visit Australia

when we reopen the borders

if they knew koalas
sounded like that? [CROAKS]

Like, imagine the borders
reopen.

We get Chinese tourists, we
take them straight to the zoo.

"Check this out! Come on."
Koalas are there. [CROAKS]

Got chlamydia and shit
in their eyes. [CROAKS]

The tourists would set fire
to them themselves.

[MAKES SOUND OF A FIRE]
There we go.

[MAKES SOUND OF A FIRE]
It's gotta go.

So that's how this tour
started.

There was smoke
still hanging in the air.

I was doing some shows
at Brunswick Heads

on the far north coast
of New South Wales

and we decided
with those shows

all profits raised would go
to the firefighters.

We raised $10,000,
which we were very proud of.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]
- Thank you.

And then Celeste Barber raised
$50 million.

Fuck you, Celeste Barber,
making the rest of us look bad!

It's too much money.

Next time there's a fire,

firefighters will be turning up
in Lamborghinis and Ferraris.

"Come on, let's put out
the fire.

"Should we use still
or sparkling?"

[LAUGHTER]

"Load up the San Pellegrino,
boys. Come on.

"This one's a fizzer!"

And every comedian I know,
every comedian I know,

was doing charity gig after
charity gig, after charity gig,

after charity gig, to raise
money for the firefighters.

And then what happened?
The pandemic hit.

No gigs for seven months.

No gigs anywhere.

And did one fuckin' firefighter

lift their finger to help
the comedians?

No! Not fucking one!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[PEOPLE CHEER]

So all money raised tonight
will be going to fuckin' me!

[LAUGHTER]

It's a very honest transaction
this evening.

Man, thanks so much
for coming out to this show.

It's such a treat. I really
appreciate it. Thank you.

It's great to see you all here.
Thank you.

You've forgotten how to clap.
You don't know what to do.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND
WHISTLES]

You've been home alone too
long.

You know, like, just walking
around going, "What's that?"

[LAUGHTER]

"What's that?"

Where was the last place
you went overseas?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hobart.

Hobart? I mean...

[LAUGHTER]

Where was the last place
you went?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: South
Africa. TOM: South Africa.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: U.S.
TOM: U.S. All right.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Japan. -
Japan. These are great places.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: New Zealand.
- Yeah, OK, New Zealand.

- Not bad.
- [LAUGHTER]

I went to Singapore.
That's the last place I went.

It's nice but I didn't know
the circumstances

under which I made
that decision.

Like if someone said to me,

"You don't get to go overseas
for five years.

"Where would you like to go?"

I wouldn't have gone,
"Singapore, please!"

[LAUGHTER]

I only went there because I was
sick of going to Bali.

Every time I go to Bali
I shit myself

and I thought,
"I'm not doing that again."

I'm actually going to learn
a lesson this time.

'Cause every time I go to Bali
I shit myself and no-one cares.

Everyone's like, "It's Bali
belly. What can you do?

"It's just a bit of Bali
belly."

Like if there is a disease
named after your destination,

- don't go there.
- [LAUGHTER]

Like you wouldn't go
to Ebola Island, would you?

You'd give that a go?

You wouldn't go on
a coronavirus cruise.

When else would you spend
$10,000

and just accept
shitting yourself

as part of the transaction?

Can you name any other purchase

where that would sound
reasonable?

Like you buy a motorbike.
Top of the range.

You're like,
"It's a great motorbike

"but every time I ride it
I shit myself.

"But it's just
a bit of Yamaha belly.

"What can you do?"
you know.

"I have a bit of a Honda honk,
bit of a Suzuki spew."

[LAUGHTER]

So I go to Singapore
with my family

and we go to a resort,
stay at a resort,

and on the first day we want to
leave our children at Kids'
Club

and when you first leave
your children at Kids' Club,

you're a bit, you know,
you're a bit worried.

Like if you don't have children
it's how you would feel

if you had to leave your phone
unattended in a public area.

[LAUGHTER]

It's heart-in-the-mouth stuff,
you know.

Imagine that. You've got your
phone, you put it on the shelf,

you're like, "Oh, no.

"Is it gonna be OK?

"I hope no-one fiddles with
it."

[LAUGHTER]

So we leave our children
at Kids' Club

and my wife and I
go to the beach

and it's just her and I for the
first time, just the two of us.

Like at the beach, with no
kids.

And we're trying to enjoy
ourselves and relax

but I couldn't because the
whole time we were lying there

there was a guy on his own
with a Bluetooth speaker.

On his own!
He's got a little speaker.

[MAKES DOOF-DOOF SOUNDS]

Like he's appointed himself
the DJ of the fucking beach.

Like apparently,
the sound of waves

gently crashing against the
shore's not good enough for
him.

[MAKES DOOF-DOOF SOUNDS]
And it was really annoying me.

I'm like, he's just imposing
his taste on everyone else.

It's like when you see
a teenager at the shops,

with a speaker
on their backpack,

and they're like...
[DOOF-DOOF SOUNDS]

"It's a cool band.
They're in the Hottest 100.

"They're called
the Cardigan Arseholes.

"You'll really like them."
I don't care, buddy.

Like you're just imposing
your taste on other people.

It'd be like me walking down
the street with a curry

and just spooning it
into other people's mouths.

"Oh, there you go.
Look at the curry.

"It tastes good, doesn't it?
Open your gob! There you go.

"It's good, isn't it, yeah.

"Aren't I cool for finding that
and putting that in your gob?"

And I was getting
really worked up

and I was saying to my wife,
"He's not even a fan of music

"'cause if he was
he'd have headphones on."

You know what headphones are?

Two of those speakers
up against his fucking ears!

And the only way my wife
could get me to calm down

was to make me put on
my noise-cancelling headphones

and I had to listen to an app
playing the sound of waves

gently crashing against
the shore.

[LAUGHTER]

[MAKES SOUND OF WAVES CRASHING]

So I go back to Kids' Club

and no-one told me
that the activity that day

was building weapons.

[AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS]

They were building weapons
out of wood.

Like my boy, he's now six,

he built like a sword,
like a long sword.

He's like,
"Look, Dad, I'm a pirate."

My daughter, she's nine,

she'd built a fully functioning
crossbow.

[LAUGHTER]

She jacked it back, fired at
my head, arrow just missed me,

and I shat myself,
which was very disappointing.

[LAUGHTER]

The only reason
I was in Singapore

was to avoid that one activity.

I'd paid good money
to avoid that.

And the kids are like,

"Dad, these are the best toys
we've ever had.

"We can't wait to take them
back to Australia."

And I thought,
"Fuck it! You know what?

"I'm up for a challenge.
I've seen Border Security.

"I know how it works.

"You bury this shit
deep in your luggage,

"you lie on the form and it
works out every fucking time."

So I get to Customs,
I put the bag down,

and the woman working there,
she looks at me and she's like,

"Do I know you from somewhere?"

And I'm like,
"Yeah, I'm on the ABC.

"I host a TV show called
Hard Quiz."

And she's like,
"I love that show."

[LAUGHTER]

And I was like, "Thank you."

And she goes, "Do you have
anything in your bag

"you'd like to declare?"

- And I was like, "Yeah."
- [LAUGHTER]

"I've got some wooden weapons
from Asia."

She goes, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

"Oh, off you go."

[LAUGHTER]

"You're such a smartarse.

"I never know
when to take you seriously.

"Off you go.
Have a good day."

And I'm getting cocky now.

I'm going to bring in heroin
next time.

[LAUGHTER]

I'll strap myself up.
I'll be ready to go.

They'll be like, "Oh, Tom, have
you put on a bit of weight?"

I'll be like,
"No, I've got 10kg of heroin

"strapped to my waist."

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Off you go. Good on ya.

"Good on you, you smart-arse.

"Good on you, you
drug-trafficking scallywag."

So, yeah,
I had a bit of spare time.

More than I planned.

And my wife said,
"You should get a hobby."

She was like,
"You should get a hobby."

But my problem is
this used to be my hobby

and then it became like this

and, um, I don't really
remember when it changed.

It was just, "Hey, do a bit
of comedy. That'd be fun,"

and then here we are.

I don't really remember
when it changed over.

Like... Like I've been doing it
for 25 years.

Like 25 years ago
I was doing pharmacy, right?

I was doing pharmacy
at Sydney University

and I was in the lab, OK,
and we were making drugs.

[LAUGHTER]

We used to call it
"cooking class".

[LAUGHTER]

We were making suppositories,
in particular.

And me mate, he was like
putting all the medication in
the mould.

He just flattened it all down
and he looked up at me

and he said, "This is the most
fun part of the course."

And I was like, "Fuck it! I'm
out of here. See you, mate."

If that's as good as it gets

that is not exciting enough
for me.

And I left and I started doing
stand-up comedy

25 years ago.

And this is
how my career's gone.

I sort of like...
I started here.

I was pretty good when I
started and then this is how it
went,

I started and then
I just sort of improved,

just very slowly,
nothing too exciting.

If you've seen me over the
years you'll know it's true.

[LAUGHTER]

"This show is slightly better
than last year."

That's how it goes.

Then I got the Gold Logie
and then it went like that.

[LAUGHTER]

That's where I am now,
here with you.

[LAUGHTER]

And you know what I've got to
show for it after 25 years?

I've got, like, a house
in Romsey in the country,

an hour out of town.

I've got a wife, two kids,
couple of chooks, two Volvos.

I've got the lifestyle
of a fucking pharmacist.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

It's taken me 25 years

to get to where
I would've been anyway.

I even look like a pharmacist.
[LAUGHTER]

You can imagine me in the shop
giving out reasonable advice.

Just standing up the back
going, "Oh, yeah, with the
antibiotics,

"even if you feel better you
have to finish the course, OK?

"Yeah, even if you feel better,

"yeah, you gotta finish
the course.

"I've got to go back to making
some suppositories,

"which is the most
fun part of my day."

[LAUGHTER]

So my wife's like,
"You gotta get a hobby.

"It'll be good for your
mental health.

"You've got to get a hobby.

"It'll be good for your
mental health."

We overuse that phrase a bit,
don't we?

It loses its meaning
if you use it too flippantly.

Like some...
Some people would be like,

"I walked to work today. It's
good for my mental health."

No, you just got
a bit of fresh air.

You're still fucked in the
head.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

You need to be assessed.
You need some heavy medication.

It's gonna...

It's gonna take more than
a fuckin' stroll, mate.

So my wife's like,
"You gotta get a hobby.

"What did you
used to like doing for fun?

"Like if you cast your mind
way back.

"Way back before you
started this

"what did you used to like
doing for fun?"

And I'm like, "I used to like
riding motorbikes."

And she's like,
"Think of another hobby, OK?"

But I'm like,
"No, that's perfect,"

so I got a dirt bike, right?

But the problem I've got is

I learned how to ride
a motorbike when I was six

so I can't remember not knowing
how to ride a motorbike.

For me, riding a motorbike is
like walking down the street.

It's second nature to me.

But my wife has never ridden
a motorbike

so every time
I ride my motorbike

she thinks
I'm going to kill myself,

which is ironic because I'm
doing it for my mental health.

She lays it on thick too.

She'll be on the back deck
with the kids, going,

"Don't forget
the children love you."

[LAUGHTER]

"Be careful out there.
You're a father."

But I've found when I ride
the motorbike

the more I wind her up,
the more relaxed I feel.

[LAUGHTER]

Stressing her out is my new
Zen.

So I'm like...
[MAKES REVVING SOUND]...

I don't even have a helmet
on today. [SOUND OF ENGINE]

I'm taking up smoking.
Fuck it!

[INHALES AND MAKES
SOUND OF ENGINE]

I've got thongs on.
[SOUND OF ENGINE]

Hope there are no
high-tension wires

tied across the bush track.

I'd hate to lose my head.

It'd be terrible
for my mental health.

I set fire to my recycling.
That was good.

It's one of the good things
about living in the country

is you're allowed to just
burn shit in your paddock.

It's great. You're missing out.
It's like a wonderful thing.

Like what... OK, what happened,
what happened was,

my wife, she really enjoys the
convenience of online shopping

so I get to enjoy
the inconvenience

of trying to fit all the boxes
that everything arrives in

into the recycling bin
but I can't keep up

so I thought, "I've gotta torch
all this shit and start again."

So I got all the cardboard and
just piled it up in a big pile

and... plus my kids had a lot
of sub-par flammable artwork

that had to fucking go.

Threw it all on, whoosh,
went up in flames

and all my neighbours
came out of the woodwork.

They're like, "Can we throw
some shit on too?"

I'm like, "Yeah, throw it on."

Life in a country town.
People just turn up in a car.

"Have you got a fire there?"
"Yeah."

"Good one, mate."
[IMITATES CAR DRIVING OFF]

[LAUGHTER]

One of the locals turned up

and he had like a big
washing-machine box,

flattened out, massive,

and it was just covered
in blood.

[LAUGHTER]

It had blood splattered
all over it

and he's like,
"Oh, don't worry about that.

"That's just a bit of
kangaroo blood

"'cause I chopped up a bit of
roadkill for me dogs."

[LAUGHTER]

And I presumed
he was telling the truth.

No questions asked from me.
"No worries, mate."

Whoosh, straight on the fire.
He could have been Ivan Milat.

I'm like, "Yeah,
no worries mate." [WHOOSH]

"Oh, you got some
German passports?

"Yeah, no worries, mate."
[WHOOSH]

- [LAUGHTER]
- "Just happy to help out."

But I like the fact
he lives in my town

'cause
he makes housing affordable.

[LAUGHTER]

You need him in the city

to sort of bring the property
market under control.

Imagine having him
in North Fitzroy.

That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

You walk out of your $2 million
single-storey terrace,

you're putting the bins out,
and he's like,

"Oh, I chopped up a bit of
roadkill for me dog."

[LAUGHTER]

You'd be like, "Oh, to be fair
it's organic, so..."

[LAUGHTER]

"Just pop it in the green bin.
It counts as food scraps."

Food scraps!

Did a lot of drinking
during the day.

Well, I had nothing on.

I had no responsibilities...

[MUFFLED] ..apart from
my family.

But other than that...

And it was tricky, you know.

I mean, I'll be honest with
you,

some days I only had
two thoughts in my head,

and my brain would just bounce
between two thoughts all day,

and they were, "I've got to
drink less, I'm getting a gut."

The other thought was,
"I don't have a gut.

"Should have a drink."
That's it.

That's all I would think
all day.

"Gotta drink less,
I'm getting a gut.

"I don't have a gut.
Should have a drink."

You know what I'd do?
Have a drink.

[LAUGHTER]

Because you never drink
the right amount, do you?

You drink seven,
you wish you'd had six.

You drink five,
you wish you'd had four.

You drink three,
you wish you'd had two.

You drink one...

You never have fuckin' one!

[LAUGHTER]

You never have the right
amount, do you?

No-one ever says, "I drank
the perfect amount last night."

[LAUGHTER]

I had a drink and I was feeling
a bit excited

so I had another one

and then I thought,
"That's enough of that."

[LAUGHTER]

Went home, had a glass of
water, went to bed by nine
o'clock,

woke up with no regrets

'cause I had the perfect amount
to drink.

You know what my wife
and I always do?

We're always like, "That's it.

"We're not drinking
on weeknights anymore.

"Nah. No.
We're serious this time.

"We're not drinking
on weeknights anymore

"'cause we're in our forties
and we have to look after
ourselves.

"OK? We've got young kids.

"We're not drinking
on weeknights anymore."

Monday, nothing.
Tuesday, nothing.

Wednesday,
couple of glasses of red.

Thursday, we are off our nuts

and blazing our way
to the weekend!

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
AND CHEERING]

"Oh, you can't drink
in front of your kids."

"Well, we only drink after
they've gone to bed

"at three in the afternoon,
like they're fucking told!"

"You can't drink
in front of your kids."

"Well, how else are they going
to fuckin' learn?"

I started drinking
Heineken Zeros.

That's how serious it got.

Yeah. Desperate times.

[LAUGHTER]

I like Heineken Zero

'cause it tastes the same
as regular Heineken,

plus the bottles look the same

so you can just drink Heineken
Zero at a party all night,

- walk around, collect secrets.
- [LAUGHTER]

"I have no idea how
I'll remember this tomorrow."

[LAUGHTER]

You can get a six-pack
of Heineken Zero

and go for a drive, drink them
while you're driving.

Oh! Like it's the '70s.
Perfectly legal.

It's not a good look
but you're allowed to.

You just drive around,
pssht, blaaah.

You just drive around
looking for the police.

You find the RBT
and you're happy. Ho, ho!

They wave you through
and you're like, "Oh, fuck it!"

Drive round the block,
come back. "Hey, you missed me.

"I've been drinking
all this shit.

"Do you want me to blow into
there? All right.

"What's it say? Zero? Thank
God, because I've drunk all of
this

"and I've got to get home.
I'm about to wet myself."

[LAUGHTER]

I don't like lollies, right.

And it really annoys people.

Everyone's got something about
them that annoys other people.

That's mine.

I don't like lollies
and people can't accept it.

Like I'll be at work and it'll
be about three in the
afternoon.

A woman comes round
with a bowl of lollies

and she'll be like,
"Would you like a lolly?"

And I'm like, "No."

"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure."

"Are you being good?"

[LAUGHTER]

"Are you being good?
You're better than me."

"No, no, no, I'm being an
adult. I'm 46. I've got over
it.

"If you had an eye-fillet steak
I would rip into that

"or a tray of ice-cold beer,
that'd be a treat,

"but at this point a lolly
snake is not going to fuckin'
cut it."

I mean, I used to like lollies
when I was a child.

Like one of my favourite
childhood memories

was when my brothers
and sisters and I,

we would go down to the shops
on our beach holiday every day

and get 20 cents' worth
of mixed lollies.

Yeah, we'd go down the shop...

..two brothers, two sisters,
all five of us.

We'd have our 20-cent coin.

You'd walk in and there'd be
the big cabinet there

and you'd be like,
"I'll have a jelly baby

"and a freckle and a milk
bottle

- "and a mint leaf..."
- [LAUGHTER]

"..and a..."

AUDIENCE MEMBER: A banana.
"..a banana

"and, ah..."

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Teeth.
- "..teeth."

[LAUGHTER]

"And a...and a mate,
and a..."

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Strawberries and cream.

Oh, "Strawberries and cream."
Oh, "Pineapple. And a jube.

"And a clinker
and a packet of fags..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[APPLAUSE]

And the person working there
would pretend to find

this extremely time-consuming,
low-profit transaction cute.

They're like,
"Oh, yes, take your time.

"No, I like it down here.
It's great.

"I can't wait for you to hand
me that 20-cent piece.

"It'll make it all worth it.

"My arthritic knees thank you.
They really do."

Can you imagine
when payWave was invented?

It would have been
the best day of their lives.

Beep! "Get the fuck
out of my shop."

And that was my favourite
childhood memory

until my mother told me that
while we were at the shops,

that's when my mum and dad
would root.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS]

And it's ruined the whole
thing.

[LAUGHTER]

Now I have to go back through
the story and reimagine it.

I can picture my parents
saying to us,

"You can go to the shops
every day."

[LAUGHTER]

"Take as long as you like.
Don't rush back."

I'd get back, Dad would be
asleep. [SNORES].

My mother would look
a bit sweaty

and she'd have pink cheeks
like she'd been to the gym,

which was weird
because in the olden days

no-one went to the gym.

And this was after the Beaumont
children went missing.

After!

[LAUGHTER]

The Beaumont children had made
headlines around the country

and after that they're like,

"We'll send them to the shops
on their own."

That's how much
they liked rooting.

"We'll send them down, five
will go down, two will come
back.

"We'll replace them
while they're gone."

[LAUGHTER]

That's why I don't like
lollies.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

When I'm driving I like
speeding and I do it all the
time

and I never get caught
and I recommend it.

I want to do an ad
for the government.

It's going to be called,
"The Get On With It Campaign."

Well, it's one of the joys
of working at night.

I've found that if you
drive home

after the police have gone
to bed

you can drive as fast
as you like.

And it has its upsides.

You never fall asleep
at the wheel.

I'm not a drowsy driver.
You know why?

- It's too exciting.
- [LAUGHTER]

At that speed,
shit comes up on you quick.

You get home and you can't
get to sleep for hours.

Your heart's racing... Brrrr.

What happens
if you hit a kangaroo?

They explode more quickly.
[MAKES EXPLODING SOUND]

Sometimes I get out
the back of the airport

and I'm just driving
through nothing but red mist.

Phht, phht, phht, phht, phht.

Wonk, wonk, wonk, wonk.
Phht, phht, phht, phht.

I love it when the police
put up the sign that says,

"Police Are Now
Targeting Seatbelts."

When they put that up
they're not there.

They put that up
when they're hungover.

They're like, "Oh. Can't be
fucked. Seatbelts."

Like if it had, "Police Are Now
Targeting Organised Crime,"

you'd be like,
"Well, they'll be busy."

If it had "Police Are Now
Targeting

"Tax Avoidance
By Multi-nationals,"

you're like, "Their work
will never be done."

But seatbelts,
they're not there.

We all wear seatbelts now.

We've all been wearing them
for what, 20 years now.

Like, all of us.
You'll see a car on the road,

every panel's
a different colour,

there'll be chooks jumping
around on the back seat,

muffler will be dragging
on the road, crrrrrrr.

The guy driver will have
no shirt on,

cigarette hanging out of
the corner of his mouth.

Seatbelt on! Even him.

[LAUGHTER]

I drive a Volvo.

Can you imagine how committed
to not wearing a seatbelt

I would have to be?

Boo, boo, boo, boo,
boo, boo, boo, boo.

The nanny state can go
fuck itself.

[BEEPS FASTER] Boo, boo, boo,
boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

Do you really think the police
are in their highway patrol

by the side of the highway

double-checking that
everybody's got their seatbelt
on?

They're just sitting there.
"They've got their seatbelt on.

"They've got their seatbelt
on too. So do they.

"They've got it on.
They've got it on too.

"Write it down, mate. They've
got it on. They've got it on.

"They've got it on,
got it on, got it on.

"Write it down
in the seatbelt book.

"Got it on, got it on,
got it on, got it on,

"they've got it on, got it on,
got it on, got it on, got it
on,

"got it on, got it on, got it
on, got it on, got it on,

"got it on, got it on, got it
on, got it on, got it on,

"got it on, got it on,
got it on, got it on,

"got it on, got it on,
got it on, got it on,

"got it on, got it on,
got it on."

- [APPLAUSE]
- "Got it on, got it on.

"Got it on, got it on,
got it on, got it on.

"Oh, hang on! No, it's a bus.
Don't worry about it."

- [LAUGHTER]
- "Put that in the bus book."

I have got caught speeding
once.

Yeah, once I was, ah...

I don't drive fast
in built-up areas.

I'm not a maniac.

Just once
I get past the airport.

Like the last bit of the drive
to my house

is like 30km of straight road

and it was one in the morning,
no-one's out.

I was going 120 in a 100 zone.

Pew! Just took off.

And I look in the rear-view
mirror and I could see a siren.

It's like... woop!
I'm like, "Oh, bullshit!"

[LAUGHTER]

I stop, wind down my window,
bzshz.

Policeman's there.

"Why were you travelling
so fast?"

So I said, "Because
I thought you weren't here."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

And he goes,
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

"Off you go. Good on you,
mate."

[LAUGHTER]

"Good on you, you smart-arse!

"Never know
when to take you seriously."

I don't know if you've been
to my shows before

or if you've watched
any of my specials

but I always invite the
audience to tell me

what they didn't think was
true.

This show is 89% true,
11% lies,

so if there's anything
you thought was bullshit

just yell it out
and I'll correct the record.

Just anything.
Just yell it out.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: The lollies.
- The lollies?

People struggle
with the lollies.

People bail me up
after the show.

"Oh, what about a red frog?
Come on."

- Like it's...
- [LAUGHTER]

No, the lolly story
is one of those stories

that unfortunately
is 100% true.

Like you get to enjoy it
as entertainment

and just walk out of here
and go, "That was funny."

But I have to walk around
with it in my head

knowing that it was true.

Like my mother now calls
having sex, "getting a lolly".

- Like, it's bad.
- [LAUGHTER]

Like you can't leave dinner
early anymore at a restaurant.

Like all our family,
we'll be out at a restaurant,

all my brothers and sisters
and various partners.

You'll go,
"Oh, we might leave early."

"Oh, you're getting
a lolly are you?"

[LAUGHTER]

"No, we'll stay for dessert."

That's true.
Anything else?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
No beaches in Singapore.

You don't believe that there
are beaches in Singapore?

[LAUGHTER]

Well, strictly speaking it was
on an island of Indonesia

that's just over the border

but I didn't want to get
bogged down

in the geography
of the area.

It's called Nikoi Island and
you go across to Bintan Island

and Bintan is part of
Indonesia, not part of
Singapore.

You have to pass through
Customs to get to the island

and then pass through
Customs on the way back.

Can you see why I didn't
include it in the show now?

[LAUGHTER]

I'm boring myself.

[APPLAUSE]

So well spotted.
It was an island of Indonesia.

But I didn't want to undo
my observations about Bali.

Everyone's going "Oh, but
Bali's part of Indonesia too

"so actually you just went
back to Indonesia."

I'll go, "Yeah, get fucked.
I don't really want to get..."

I don't want to attach
a GPS to this story.

So, yeah, that was bullshit.
Anything else?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Speeding in a Volvo.

What?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Speeding in a Volvo.

You don't believe that
I sped in a Volvo.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

You've got to update
your thinking. Volvos are fast.

I know, I get it,
like, Volvos, ha, ha, Volvo.

You wear a cap when you drive.

I get it
but that's all out of date.

Like a Volvo,
a Volvo won Bathurst.

[AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT
INAUDIBLY]

I know. People are like,
"What? Get fucked!"

A Volvo won Bathurst.

It beat Ford and Holden
and the company still exists.

[LAUGHTER]

Wow! You can buy new Volvos.

You can't buy a new fucking
Commodore, can ya?

Got to let go of that.

The Ford versus Holden battle
is over. It's finished.

"Oh, Ford. Fuckin' Holden.
Ford. Get fucked. Ford.

You know eventually it's
gonna be Tesla versus Prius.

That's it.

Everyone will be trackside
at Bathurst.

[MAKES VERY QUIET
CAR-ZOOMING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER]

[MAKES SAME QUIET SOUND]

Mount Panorama was conquered by
a chargeable forklift this
year.

I just love the atmosphere.

I just love the smell
of a battery charging.

[SNIFFS DEEPLY] Ah!

Anything else?
MAN: Blood on the box.

Blood on the box?

Again, that's one of those
stories I have to carry with me

and you get to discard.

Like I had to go to bed
that night,

knowing that he was still
somewhere in my town.

And I don't know about you
but when someone says,

"Chopped up a bit of roadkill
for me dogs,"

that phrase gets trapped
in my head for weeks

and I can't get it out,
I become obsessed by it.

That night I was trying
to go to bed.

I was like, "Chopped up a bit
of roadkill for me dogs.

"Chopped up a bit of
roadkill for me dogs.

"Chopped up a bit of
roadkill for me dogs."

Then my wife's in the shower,
I pull back the curtain...

"Chopped up a bit of
roadkill for me dogs."

I teach the children
how to say it.

Like we're in the Volvo driving
very fast.

[LAUGHTER]

"Have you got something to say
to your mother, kids?"

"Yeah, chopped up a bit of
roadkill for me dogs, Dad."

But you know what
the worst part is?

I've never seen him
with his dog. Never!

[LAUGHTER]

Just walking around
on a sunny day.

"It's a good day to walk
your dog, isn't it?"

"No, not today."

"Didn't you used to have
a family?"

"Nah."

So, yeah, that was true.
Anything else?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Heineken
Zero.

Heineken Zero. You're like,
"Oh, that's fucking bullshit."

- [LAUGHTER]
- It was only a couple of days.

I just needed something
to get me to midday.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Something for the cornflakes.

What did you say down here?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
A fully functional crossbow.

A fully functional crossbow.

No, it's true.
She didn't make it herself.

She had help from the people
who were running the Kids'
Club.

Um, but it definitely happened.

But I didn't shit myself
when she shot an arrow at me.

That was just a confection.

I thought it'd be ironic,

given I was avoiding that in
Bali and then I go to
Singapore,

she fires an arrow at me,
I shit myself.

Plus I'm 46.
It wouldn't happen that quick.

[LAUGHTER]

She'd be like, pew,
and I'd be like,

"I'm going to shit myself in
the next ten to fifteen
minutes."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Actually, fire another arrow.
I could be here for a while.

Might just scroll
through Instagram for a bit.

I've been eating too much
bread.

Anything else?

- [AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT]
- What?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Wife and two kids.

- You don't believe...
- [LAUGHTER]

You don't believe that I have
a wife and two kids?

[APPLAUSE]

Wouldn't it be weirder
if I invented all that?

If I was just a single man
living in a flat.

Like I'm living in a flat in
South Melbourne just thinking,

"I wonder what it would be like
to have a wife and two kids?

"If I had a wife and two kids I
would take them to Singapore."

[LAUGHTER]

No, I do.
That's true, unfortunately.

Anything else
you didn't believe?

[LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE MEMBER
CALLS OUT INAUDIBLY]

- Sorry?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Customs.

No, that happened
and this is how dumb I am.

I went to Customs and she went,
"Ha, ha, off you go."

But I'm so dumb
I was going to go,

"No, no, I really do have
wooden weapons from Asia,"

but then a split second later
I remembered

that that would take ages so I
went, "Thank you" and left.

What was the other one?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Roadkill
on windscreen.

The roadkill on the windscreen.

I've actually never
hit a kangaroo.

That was just...
I'm just imagining it.

I've never... I don't know how
it's never happened

but it has never happened.

You're right.
That was bullshit.

I don't drive home through
red mist every evening.

[LAUGHTER]

That would be pretty weird.
Imagine that.

I've got the windows down.

Every time I get home, "Hi,
I did a gig last night, love."

Just covered in blood.

"I left me windows down
and all the red mist

"got in through the side
windows in my Volvo

"which is very fast."

Anything else you
didn't believe?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Being a pharmacist.

Being a pharmacist.
Are you a pharmacist?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: No.
- Oh.

All right, well, this will
prove to you that I'm a
pharmacist.

Um, when we were making
the suppositories...

Are there any pharmacists here?
Yeah, over here.

Well, you can confirm it.

Oh, my God,
you look just like me.

It's like...

It's like a sliding-doors
moment.

I ended up here and you
ended up depressed, down there.

Following your dreams.
You!

You can confirm this.

When I was making
the suppositories,

you put them in a mould.

Firstly, they're conical
in shape, for obvious reasons.

It'd be pretty mean

if you packed all the
medication into a big cube,
wouldn't it?

There you go. You're going to
have to take a run at it.

[LAUGHTER]

Arse first. Take a run.

But one of the key ingredients
is cocoa butter. Yeah?

'Cause coca butter's
found in chocolate

and cocoa butter
melts at body temperature,

so for obvious reasons you need
it to melt at body temperature.

Yeah, it's also in chocolate

so if you've ever wanted
to have a chocolate

but you didn't want
to...eat it...

[LAUGHTER]

I'm just saying you could get
your Lindt ball and just...

Ahhh.

[LAUGHTER]

Let it slowly release.

I shouldn't do that at work.

"Oh, do you want a lolly?"
"No, I've got a Lindt ball."

[LAUGHTER]

I don't like lollies but I want
an afternoon sugar rush

and I don't want to have to
brush my teeth, OK, so...

Anything else?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
You're a comedian.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!
- Whoa. Slow down.

We've got plenty of time.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm happy to take all comers.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: You said
that you were a comedian.

Oh, you thought it wasn't true
that I was a comedian. OK.

And everyone went, "Oooh!"
For good reason.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, I mean,
I'm not, like...

All evidence points to the
contrary to what you're saying.

You're literally sitting
in a theatre of my comedy show,

having bought
the ticket to watch it, so...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Anything else
you didn't believe?

[AUDIENCE MEMBER
SPEAKS INAUDIBLY]

The police,
that they stopped me.

No, the police,
that all absolutely happened.

Um, he fined me, though.
He didn't let me off. Yeah.

So what actually happened was,
he said,

"Why were you travelling
so fast?"

and I said, "Because
I thought you weren't here,"

and he went, "Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Good one, mate.

"I haven't heard
that one before

"but I still have to
write you a fine."

And he wrote me a fine.
But I didn't care.

I was happy to pay because I'd
made him laugh, I'm a comedian.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

That's how good I am, mate.

Like this is a sold out
Saturday night crowd. It's
easy.

You're an easy laugh.

A policeman on the side of
the road at one in the morning?

Like he's... He's a tough crowd
and he laughed.

But this is the part that,
like, for me I was like...

I was more than happy to pay.
I'm an artist.

And he said,
"I haven't heard that before."

I'm original!

[APPLAUSE]

I was like, you know what?

I'm going to speed down the
road, he'll pull me over again,

and let's see what else I come
up with, let's start riffing.

We can become
a writing partnership.

Anything else
you didn't believe?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Did you go to Byron Bay?

I did go to Byron Bay.
What was that?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: That
there'll be a vaccine in
Byron.

That there'll be
a vaccine in Byron at all.

- That's a good point.
- [LAUGHTER]

They'll probably just inject me
with Pete Evans' thoughts.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Anything else
you didn't believe?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: That you won
the Gold Logie.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!
- Oooh!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Shut up!
- [LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS WILDLY]

[CELESTIAL MUSIC]

I thought
you'd never bring it up.

[LAUGHTER]

How funny was it when they all
cracked the shits?

They got really upset
'cause I took their toy.

I was a story
on A Current Affair.

That's... That's weird.

It's a hard emotion to describe
to you.

You're watching the TV, it's
like Dodgy Tradie, Dole
Bludger,

me!

Tracy Grimshaw said that
she found my speech graceless.

She said my speech lacked
grace. Have you seen A Current
Affair?

[LAUGHTER]

Have you ever heard anyone say,

"I saw a very graceful episode
of A Current Affair last night.

"It was shot in black and
white. It was wonderful.

"It was done
in the French style"?

They actually had a poll

on the official A Current
Affair Facebook page

and it asked the question,

"Tom Gleeson, is he a hero
or is he a villain?"

And their own viewers voted
that I was a fucking hero!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Their own viewers!

62%!

That's same-sex marriage
territory!

In a democracy they call that
a thumping majority, Trace!

So you should try getting
in touch with your audience.

You never know,
you might win a fucking award!

[LAUGHTER]

Then everyone was
worried about Amanda.

"What about Amanda Keller?

"No, no, what about Amanda?

"What about Amanda?

"What about Amanda?
It was her year.

"It was her year.

"What about Amanda?

"She's Australia's favourite."

Yeah, just a little less
fucking favourite than me.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

It's a vote.
I'm sorry, I won.

What was I supposed to do?
Try to come second? No!

[SINGS] Look at the scoreboard.

Look at the scoreboard.

Then Kerri-Anne Kennerley
cracked the shits.

Oh, yeah, she was on Studio 10,

you know, the morning show
on Channel 10,

and she cracked the shits.

She had an absolute KAK attack.

She was annoyed because I
didn't go on Studio 10

but I didn't go on Studio 10

'cause I like performing
to an audience.

[LAUGHTER]

Like, going on Studio 10

is like yelling your opinions
into an empty shoebox.

It's pointless behaviour.

Like if a tree falls
in the forest

and no-one's there to hear it
fall, you're on Studio 10.

But on the morning after,
I was getting a FaceTime call

from Kerri-Anne Kennerley.

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doot.
Doo, doo, doo, doot.

It said "Kerri-Anne."

Like that's when you're like
some- Wow! Wow!

Like when you get a FaceTime
call from anyone, it's not
good.

It's going, doo, doo, doo, doo,
doot, and it says "Mum."

You're like, "How the fuck did
you work out how to do that?"

[LAUGHTER]

"Now I've got to tidy up
the hotel room."

But it said "Kerri-Anne".
Doo, doo, doot, doo, doo, doot.

And I knew if I touched
that green dot I'd be on air.

So I was walking around it
like it was a bomb.

I didn't want to set it off.

I was worried if I tripped over
I'd be like, boink,

and I'd be straight on air.

But I was so tempted
to sit on the shitter.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Like, how good would that be

if I just downed trousers
and then took the call?

"Hello, Kerri-Anne, how are
you?

"I believe you wanted
to talk to me

"about disrespecting
the Gold Logie?

"Just a sec,
I need to wipe my arse,"

and then I just tilt the camera

and reveal that there's a
toilet roll sitting on the Gold
Logie.

"I'll be with you in a sec,
love."

Imagine if I won
the Gold Logie again.

It would do
their fucking heads in.

And if I did,
I wouldn't even turn up.

[LAUGHTER]

I'll send someone else
to pick up the award for me

and I know the perfect person
to do it.

He'll get on stage,
pick up the award,

he'll walk up to the microphone
and say,

"Chopped up a bit of
roadkill for me dog."

- [LAUGHTER]
- Thank you, Melbourne.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

I've missed you.
It's so good to see you again.

Thank you.