Original subtitles

captions by bog bodybuilder for ZONE extra notes at end of file (open in text editor)

What a dirty-dealing world we live in.

That rat—trying to double-cross us before we double-cross him.

Forget it. We'll hole up here for a couple weeks until the heat cools.

– Enough food and water in this joint to last a million years. – Yeah.

[air-raid sirens]

♪ We had warnings of dark clouds forming ♪

♪ Fear has brought me to my knees ♪

♪ Memories haunt me Darkness wants me ♪

♪ Someone wake me please It's a dream ♪

♪ Nightmare Like a child screaming ♪

♪ Nightmare They say he's only dreaming ♪

♪ Is under the bed? It is all in his head? ♪

♪ Nightmare ♪

Phil!

– What? – I broke through.

I broke through!

[giggling and scurrying]

What?

Ah!

[gasps and yelps of delight]

[jovial whistling]

Okay Phil!

PHIL: Better be some hot water left, Marlowe. MARLOWE: I did, I did. [jovial whistling]

PHIL: Argh! Marlowe! [clanging]

PHIL: Oh—how does it look, huh? MARLOWE: It looks great!

PHIL: You sure you know what you're doing? MARLOWE: Look, I read the barber book, okay?

[big snip] PHIL: Hey, Marlowe!

♪ Swing on the rhythm, give into the jive We're gonna boogie tonight ♪

♪ Smooth operator in the fast lane He likes to boogie, give him champagne ♪

♪ Moonlight and bubbles and a fast dame ♪ [swing music echoes through tunnels]

PHIL: My name's Phillip, and this is gonna be a yarn about me and my pal, Marlowe.

About the day we got out of this shelter and went off into the post-nuclear world.

Now, as excited as we were about leaving the shelter, it was still a joint that held fond memories.

I mean, it was the only world we'd ever known.

Where I'd practise my magic, Marlowe was dancing,

and we both dreamed of becoming private eyes,

just like the ones we'd read about.

So, how do I look, pops? "Ah, you look swell, son."

"Yeah you're one tough dick. Ah, you're one slick dick."

Well, gee, thanks pop!

Hey Phil! New dance step!

The Post-Nuke Shuff—whoa! [clatter of scattering tins and bottles]

– Hey, Marlowe. – What?

Here you go, dick. It's empty, just like your head.

Thanks pal! Anyways, I'm serious about bein' the Dancin' Dick.

It's what I always wanted to be, just like our pops.

Pops? We don't know who our fathers were.

Sure we do, they was private eyes, Phil.

Marlowe, how many times do I have to tell you, the creeps that locked us in here were not our fathers.

– You're wrong! – Oh, you're cracked, Marlowe.

– Oh yeah? – Yeah!

– Yeah? – Yeah!

– Well why do you think they never came back to get us, huh? – Because!

Because what?

Huh?

Because—like we always say it, they're dead.

You just never wanted to face the truth, did you?

What truth is that, Phil?

Something queer happened to one of us in this hole.

RADIO: Lucky you, you're listening to the Nicky Nuker show on K-NUKE! [radio beeps]

Hey Phil?

What?

I don't want us to ever change, no matter what happens to us out there.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, no matter how famous and rich I get,

no matter how smart you get, I just, uh,

just want us to always be us.

Okay?

Yeah, sure Marlowe.

[mechanical groaning; wailing guitars]

Now!

– I bet there's nothin' but love-sick dolls out there, Phil! – Love-sick dolls, yeah!

Hey, think the world's changed much?

Changed?

Nah!

♪ We run against a sky of black and red ♪

♪ Premonitions of tomorrow Is there a future there for me ♪

♪ It's been a long, lonely wait ♪

♪ Now I can see your face in everything I say and do today, in my life (radioactive) ♪

♪ I need a place to lie my head (radioactive) ♪

♪ I close my eyes, but there's no rest (radioactive dreams) ♪

♪ Get me out of this wasteland of radioactive dreams ♪

[music shifts to tension and fear]

Gadzooks! Ha-ha! Real-life babe!

Whoa! Mutants! Real-life mutants!

No, Marlowe, wait—

The keys—where are they—

– I'm lookin' dude! – My keys!

Come on Marlowe, get away from them—come on—

Stop! Stop!

PHIL: That was our introduction to the post-nuke world:

mutant rutabagas and a dame with a wicked left cross.

By the time I came to, Marlowe'd already agreed to help the peach get to the nearest payphone.

Let's go!

Why sure! This kinda thing's right up my alley, ma'am.

You know what I mean? I'm a dick!

WOMAN: Huh. So you're a porno stud, huh?

Uh, well, not exactly.

– I'm a private eye, ma'am. – Yeah, sure.

Uh uh uh, whoa-oh-oh, let me, let me, let me—

Hop on in. Hop in!

Watch your toes!

– Hey—gimme the keys. – What? – Gimme the keys!

– No way Marlowe, whatdya— – Gimme the keys! – Why?

– You've been drivin' all morning! – So what, it's my pop's car— – Oh so now he's your pops—

Hey—hey, listen, listen, can we go now please?

Yeah can we go now please, Marlowe? Just get in the back seat.

– Just get in! – Okay…

So, ma'am, you need a couple a' dicks, huh? Well how much cash you carrying, huh?

My name is Miles. Miles Archer.

– Yeah. I'm Phillip. – Marlowe!

I think we lost 'em, Miss Archer. Who were those guys?

RADIO: …through the old annexed missile bays!

RADIO: Criminals are combing the area now for Miles Archer—[radio snaps off]

So, um, Miss Archer…

What's a nice girl like you doin' in a place like this?

I mean, do you have a job round here or something? [MILES' harsh, derisive laughter]

– What? – You've gotta be kidding…

– What? – Where do you think you are?

Yeah, will you stop asking dumb questions, Phil? Where do you think we are?

Ma'am? Ma'am?

Don't touch me. Understand?

Sure.

– Uh, Miles— – What?

– Ah, just remember, no matter what kinda trouble you're in— – Yeah?

—well, I'd be glad to help you any way I can.

Why, thank you, Marlowe.

[MARLOWE's muffled, delighted yelps as the car shakes and squeaks]

[MARLOWE gulps]

Marlowe.

You really are a mondo nerd.

Zim bim zowie! What a smackeroo! Whoo-hoo!

Big deal. Wasn't much.

Yeah, I got the keys, and then everything went to shit.

Peach kept tryin' to ride her tongue into my mouth.

Oh yeah, sure, Marlowe.

PHONE: The car is on the way.

Oh shit. Ah, okay.

Hey. Hey—think she'll marry me, Phil?

Marlowe, am I gonna hafta listen to this all day, huh?

So, right? I mean, we can't afford to be no-one's dick for free—

PHIL: Miles Archer had seen somethin' comin'.

Somethin' that'd been chasin' her.

She took a powder, leavin' us sittin' like a couple knuckle-brained ducks.

We was the decoys coverin' her escape.

Now, Miles Archer's plan would've been perfect if she hadn't dropped her keys in Marlowe's lap.

By the time she realised her mistake, it would be too late.

It was a slip-up Miles Archer would regret for the rest of her life.

She called me a mondo nerd. [PHIL scoffs]

So, what does that mean?

I dunno. Must mean some, uh, swell, post-nuke compliment.

Ma'am?

Ma'am?

Ma'am?!

[gunshots crack glass] Aagh! Phil!

Why do them screwy rutabagas wanna get on our {knuckles}?

I dunno, but I'm not gonna sit around {to get some answers out of 'em}.

[yelps and gunshots]

– Hit the brakes! What about the peach? – What about her, she took a powder!

– Yeah, but— — There's nothin' {we're goin'}.

Come on! Let's get 'em!

Why're they after us, Phil?! They must figure we're someone else!

I don't know—

– Go! Fast! – I'm goin'!

Now see, get closer! Give 'em one 'a {those apples}!

Marlowe: Phil—the trailer's on fire!

Well, don't just sit there, Marlowe, go back and put it out!

– How?! – Get going!

[bikers whoop, snarl, and scream]

[MARLOWE shrieking and yelping]

♪ All talk, no action You don't give me no satisfaction ♪

Hi.

♪ All talk, you tease me Lead me on and never try to please me ♪

Oh no!

Get off a' me!

♪ Makes me want you so much They'd say, "Look, but don't touch" [echoing] ♪

LET GO OF ME!

Gimme back my hair!

PHIL: Unhook it!

Whoo-wee!

That sure was close, eh Phil?

– Well, you told me to put the fire out. – Yeah, but not with our trailer, you knucklehead.

– Oh razz razz razz— – Yeah razz.

– It ain't the end of the world! – Oh it ain't? It ain't?

– No! – Just the end of our gas supply?

But hey, what does that matter, right?

Marlowe… [MARLOWE grumbles]

Hey…

– Toss an eye on this. – What? What is it?

I dunno. The peach must've dropped it.

Blockbusters. Blockbusters!

Hey! I bet you Miles is gonna need her keys, Phil!

We better get 'em back to her, huh?

Ha-hah! Now we can show her what slick dicks we are by finding her.

– Hey, Miles' name ain't on the key case. – Huh?

Dash Hammer…

Dash Hammer?

It belongs to our pops, Phil!

Maybe he's alive.

Do you really think so?

I mean, maybe my pop's alive too.

Wouldn't that be swell?

And we can show 'em what swell dicks we are by finding 'em.

Whoo-wee! Oh, I can't wait to see their faces.

What's wrong, Phil?

I mean, aren't you glad about our pops' bein' alive?

Just stop callin' them our pops, please, Marlowe?

They locked us up in that bomb shelter 'cause they never intended us ever getting out, ever.

How do you think they'll react when we come strollin' up to them, huh?

– We don't know for sure— – Oh, we don't?

We always figured they was dead because they never came back to get us, right?

Now we know, it just ain't so.

Ah, eh, everything'll work out.

What's that saying in the detective pulps?

They crossed the line.

They double-crossed us.

That's the unforgivable sin, right?

[pensive music]

Hey, Marlowe, look.

Hey—what's that?

I dunno.

Okay, just play it cool, alright?

– What is it? – Just take it easy, Marlowe.

– Wow— – Let me handle this, okay.

He looks like a slick dick.

Thanks for stopping, mister.

Yeah. What's up, squirt?

Me and my daddy ran out of gas. Sir.

That so. Where's your pop?

He's waiting inside the bus.

He's missing his legs 'cause of the war.

[woman screaming]

You fuckin' bitch you ever slap me in the face again you're a wasted piece of shit.

Out of the vehicle fuckfaces or I fuckin' blow your fuckin' brains all over the fuckin' car. Move!

[gunshot—and oil trickles from the bullet hole]

Okay. Just take it easy— take it easy, punk.

– Move! – Okay!

Agh—agh!

You fuckin' idiot, Chester, kill the fuckin' bitch!

Ah, fuck you, Harold, don't ever call me a fuckin' idiot!

Hey—move!

– Come on— – Hey!

Why you—fuckin'—

Ha! Get over there.

You bullies—we're gonna get you for this.

– Move it, punk. – Go!

What are we gonna do, Chester, [drowned out by PHIL and MARLOWE yelling]

PHIL: That was our first encounter with disco mutants.

I was sure it wouldn't be our last.

– Move it! – Go!

Well! Hello sweetheart!

Let me get you loose, here.

Go ahead and try to rip me, man. Just try!

Don't get your kisser in an uproar, ma'am. Just wanna get you loose. Just wanna—

Ma'am.

MARLOWE: Ma'am, just let me get you loose.

What's your name? Huh?

Mars.

Rusty Mars.

Just exactly what was goin' on here, anyway?

Phil! Touch an eye!

C'mon, jeez.

[car clicks and stutters and fails to start]

– Oh—get outta here— – What, it ain't my fault—

– It wasn't your fault if you hadn't blown up our gas supply— – Don't start on me again—

Come on you guys! Let's take the foot truck to Edge City.

– Foot truck? – Yes.

So, Miss Mars, uh, you were sayin' you knew Miles?

Yeah, I know her. She's a New Wave Punk,

and the rap is, she's into a heavy power trip.

I'd stay away from her if I was you.

What about you cats? What's your head trip?

We're private eyes, Rusty. Couple a' big-time dicks!

– You're sure a big dick, alright. – Thanks!

Oh, I wish you'd just quit it. Just quit it, alright?!

Quit what?!

Be a little more professional, huh?

– What's gotten into him? – Sure "Marlowe" wouldn't act this way.

Ah, I don't know.

You and Phil go on ahead— I'll catch up.

Hey Phil.

You wanna take a walk, man?

Oh, shit.

Look, Rusty, I'm… I'm sorry, okay?

Like, my past, you know?

Agh…

– That's where I used to live. – Really?

Who's that?

My mom.

Like, you've got any pictures?

Nah.

Sure you do. Where's your wallet?

– Come on— – No, you come on, man, let me look at your pictures—

Let's just skip it, okay?

Yeah, sure.

Come on, you guys, pick it up, it's getting dark out.

Well why can't you be out at night?

Because, man, the radiation made some pretty freaky lookin' creatures that like to roam around at night.

– Creatures—what creatures? – Come on. Oh, Marlowe…

PHIL: We finally made it to Edge City.

This is where my yarn turns grim.

Rusty warned me that the city was mean and evil.

That it had a tendency to make good folks bad, or dead.

I was about to find out that bein' private eyes,

or finding the guys who ditched us in the shelter

was just not that important.

What was really at stake was me and Marlowe.

About the type of guys we'd be when this was all over.

Rusty!

– Yeah man? – You really think you can help us find our pops?

– You mean Hammer and Chandler? – Yeah.

Yeah, man, I can help you find 'em.

Come on, you Turks, we gotta truck.

It's not safe to be outside the city at night, man.

At night? What about the day?

♪ Phil's got keys in his pocket and he's ready to roll ♪

♪ He's got the whole Edge rockin' and he's losin' control ♪

♪ He's got his finger on the trigger and he's ready to fire ♪

♪ He's got a feelin' that he's walkin' on a high wire ♪

♪ He's tickin' like a bomb that's ready to blow [fading] ♪

Hey, look what the rat dragged in.

You must be gettin' real hard up, Rusty.

BRICK: Hey, bud…

Phil! Are you okay? Are you okay?

You're so funny, honey.

You better watch your karma, Brick.

I'm gonna have to come rip your ass.

– Yeah? – Yeah.

You try that and I'll have to pound your butt— just like I used to.

Hey—you can't talk to her that way. No—

You wanna make something of it, dick?

I wouldn't.

– Nobody move. – Back off.

Cool it, Rusty. Cool it.

I mean, we're old friends, right?

Yeah. Old friends.

Later.

Alligator.

VOICE: Yo Brick. Phone call.

Who is it?

VOICE: Miles Archer.

Miles Archer, huh?

Don't let those cats get to you, Phil. Just a little unfriendly.

– Yeah, I'll say. – Yeah, well who were those creeps, anyway?

Greasers.

Come on man, I'll show you my scene.

♪ A burst of flying air And seconds later, you were not there ♪

♪ It's not so strange And if we stick together, we'll stay sane ♪

♪ Hoping all is well It's lonely, cold, and maybe this is hell ♪

♪ Or is it just a dream? A hallucination coming over me? ♪

♪ I feel it stronger now it's reaching far out [fading into crowd] ♪

PHIL: The Red Onion turned out to be a pretty swanky gin mill.

Doorman seemed a bit edgy, but Rusty got us in.

She seemed to have some pull around here, or something.

Zowieee! Whoo-hoo! Look at all this! Look at this!

– WOMAN: Fuck off. – Oh my God, Phil!

VOICE: Hey Rusty, Sternwood wants to see you.

Alright.

Why don't you wait here. I'll be back in a second.

VOICE UPSTAIRS: WHERE ARE THE KEYS?!

– Hey—Marlowe. – Huh? What?

– Phil, what? Aah? – Whatdya think's going on up there?

– Where? – Huh? – Yeah, sure.

Nice joint!

Fuck off, nerd!

Yeah, sure!

– Uh, label's Marlowe, I'm a dick— – No shit!

– Fuck you! – Yeah! See you round!

Funny dogs!

How you doin'! Ha ha!

Marlowe, folks seem sorta stuck up around here, don't they?

Nah—nah, just, just gotta be a little more friendly.

Watch. I'll have 'em swoonin', and moonin'.

Gangway!

I could keep dancin' all night!

Hey doll!

[slap! cuts the music]

Swoonin' and moonin', huh?

Hey. Hi.

See! I told you!

– Delayed reaction is all. Ha-ha! – Yeah, no kidding.

– Can I be your chick, man? – Yeah, sure!

– Hey, chick, dog, cow, pig, whatever, ha-ha! – Far out…

– This dick's fresh meat. – Yeah, I'm a big dick!

– Hey, Marlowe. – Whaaat?

Watch your step.

Yeah, sure, {come on}, man.

[loud kissing] ♪ Gonna eat you, eat you alive (×2) ♪

[incomprehensible 1940s speak]

– Like, your friend is freaky, you know? – Yeah.

Man, it must've been pretty trippy being shacked up with him all those years.

Nah. Wasn't that bad.

So whatdya think of this place? Pretty wild, huh?

– Yeah. – VOICE UPSTAIRS: You wanna fuck with me? – In fact.

But your people don't seem to be too friendly.

It's nothing, man. Just 'cause you're new, you know.

They'll get used to you. Like I did.

You like?

Yeah. Nice. [PHIL chokes a sigh]

But what?

Doesn't anyone ever wear dresses around here?

Well, maybe some day.

Come on man. I got this groovy pad out back.

Let's blow this scene and make our own.

♪ You're comin' with me and you'll never survive ♪ ♪ Gonna eat you, eat you alive (×2) ♪

♪ You're gonna love it, but you're gonna die ♪ ♪ Gonna eat you— ♪

Dresses.

You like?

Yeah.

Maybe I'll put it on for you later.

Right now I don't feel like putting anything on, you dig?

[ethereal organ music]

Oh… what is it about these keys, huh Rusty?

– I mean, seems like half the world's gone crazy over them or something— – Phil?

– What? – Shut up.

– What, am I—am I yappin' too much? – Yes. Shhh.

– Don't be nervous. – I'm not nervous [voice quakes].

– You don't have to be. – What're you doin', Rusty?

I'm gonna take your clothes off now.

You gonna take your clothes off?

Yes.

Come on.

Gosh Rusty, Guess I am kinda nervous.

There's no reason to be nervous, Phil.

– It's okay. – Yeah.

– What're you doin'— – I'm gonna take your pants off now. – What—

– Jeepers, Rusty. Don't you wanna kiss me first or somethin'? – Uh-uh.

[gentle organ music, like starlight]

– Just relax a little. It's okay. – Okay. – Okay.

Oh, Phil…

What? What?

Just lie back.

[organ music gives way to sinister guitar and piano]

– What're you doin', Rusty? – It's okay, Phil.

Jeepers, I'm not that swift with this kinda romancin', Rusty.

– Just relax. – I trust ya…

Phil there's something I gotta tell you. Before Stern—

Before what, Rusty?

Ah, oh, oh—

– Hi babe. Good work. – Hey look, hey, we weren't doin' nothin'—

Hey mister?

Hey, listen. Listen mister, this—

this ain't what it seems, my intentions were absolutely honourable, I—

Shut up, Porky.

– Label's Phillip, sir. – Hey.

Don't you hear me rappin', man?

[slap! PHIL whimpering] Take it easy, Sternwood.

Watch it babe, or I'll think you gone pig on us.

Hey, check out the rags for the keys. [chuckle]

Not you too, Rusty. I thought I could trust you.

Ooo, nice meat, huh. Very nice.

– Cut it out, mister. – Yeah. Ooh, yeah.

We're gonna like this, yeah.

What's he doin', Rusty. Rusty—

[screaming]

No rad-contamination.

His meat will score the big bread at the market.

Market—what market—

Hey man, you spotted all the meat in this city. Huh?

Yeah, there's no animals alive any more.

OINK OINK OINK OINK OINK!

A-animals?

Where'd you get all the meat?

[breaking into laughter] That's right. That's right! [sing-song] That's riiight!

We're all cannibals. Cannibals. Cannibals!

You kill me, Porky.

– Rusty? – [mocking] Rusty? Rusty?

– Rusty? – [mocking] Rusty? Rusty?

[mocking] Rusty?!

No keys, man.

Oh, wow. Like, the keys aren't in the rags.

Like, uh, where are they, Porky?

First, tell me what they're for.

– So he can blow up the world— – Where are the keys, Porky?

Tuna.

Okay, smartass…

YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME? HUH?

Groovy! Let's, like, uh, try some heavy shit.

On your friend.

Marlowe.

– What'd you do to him? – [chuckling] That kid's gettin' tenderised.

– Wait—don't—stop— – No, hey, hey, hey hey hey, don't, don't weird out on me man.

Just rap where the keys are,

and I won't have to make burger patties out of your friend.

[PHIL sobbing, gurgling, sputtering]

TELL HIM!

Fuck this shit!

Tell him where the keys are, Phil.

And I promise you and Marlowe will go free—I promise!

Right?

Uhhh…

Yeah? Sure. [PHIL gurgles]

Uh, scout's honour. [STERNWOOD chuckles; PHIL gasps]

Just let me and Marlowe go, oh God—

– Okay. – —please—

Like, I'll play along, Porky.

But you fuck with us—[menacing breathing]

Okay.

Sorry about the keys.

Okay, Porky. Where are they.

[STERNWOOD growls like an angry dog]

[STERNWOOD growls like a confused, but angry dog]

[keys jangle]

They were there the whole time.

They were.

Give 'em to me.

Here!

[gasping, grunting, and gunshots]

[punchy beat starts up]

Marlowe? Agh!

– Marlowe?! – PHIL! Phil!

This lady and I been ballin' it. We're havin' fun—wait, I'm gonna introduce her. Sadie—

[gun hammer clicks] Freeze, Turk!

Hand over the keys!

Come on man, come on, let's blow, let's go, let's get outta here, man.

We're one step ahead of the rest of the freaks.

Who are ya?

[sing-song] I'm your buddy, man! Come on, let's go, let's go!

– He's my buddy, Phil! My buddy! – Yeah I'm your fuckin' buddy, let's go!

– My buddy! – No, Marlowe!

– My buddy, Phil! – Come on!

– Safe! – Marlowe, no!

[BRICK coughing and sputtering]

Let's take five, catch our breath.

The next sprint's gonna be tough.

We gotta make it through the ashtray district before we'll be on safe turf.

– Yeah, well let's get goin'— – Hey! Relax. Right?

Boy, daddio, you bums sure got the Edge rockin' and rollin'.

What do you mean?

– Every gang's after you bums. MARLOWE: Every gang?

BRICK: Yeah, daddio, and not just hoods from the Edge.

Cats like Sternwood are comin' from every city in the West lookin' for them keys.

You bums are in some deep trouble.

Check it out: I heard they can make cities disappear.

Hey, I say let 'em, it ain't no sweat off my back, right [laughs].

PHIL: But I bet you want those keys too, huh?

Naaah, what's Brick Bardo gonna do with keys, right? I ain't got a car [laughs].

Then why'd you save our skins?

I was paid to.

By who, Bart?

A South Side whore named Miles Archer.

Miles? MILES ARCHER?

PHIL!

– You know Miles Archer?! – Hey, I just told you she paid me, you ding.

She's waitin' for you in Rick's place over in the next district.

Let's go!

We'll go buddy, after you hand me them keys.

MARLOWE: You said you didn't want the keys, buddy— BRICK: Yeah, I lied.

BRICK: Now hand me the fuckin' keys, I ain't got all night.

[STERNWOOD snarls] MARLOWE: Give him the keys—

You tell me what they're for first and then I'll give 'em to you.

– Gimme the fuckin' keys, Phil, or I blow his balls off. – Give 'em! Give' em!

Gimme the fuck— [BRICK fires at the wall; MARLOWE screams]

– Take it easy. – Come on, pal.

[BRICK laughs; the keys jangle]

[screams]

[screams and gunshots]

Marlowe, come on!

[screams, roars, and terrified hollering]

[knife cutting into tough flesh]

[STERNWOOD's last gasps]

[music speeds up into heavy, menacing drums and synths]

[MARLOWE shrieks]

♪ We had warnings of dark clouds forming ♪

♪ Fear has brought me to my knees ♪

Phil!

♪ Memories haunt me, darkness wants me ♪

♪ Someone wake me please ♪

♪ It's a dream ♪

♪ Nightmare Like a child screaming ♪

♪ Nightmare They say he's only dreaming ♪

♪ Is under the bed? It is all in his head? ♪

CHESTER: Fuckin' hold it right there.

♪ Nightmare ♪

[MARLOWE screams; giant radioactive rat roars]

[radioactive rat roar recedes; music fades into uncertainty]

Okay, dude, don't move or I'll blow your god damn head off.

– Now where are those little red keys? MARLOWE: I don't have the keys!

THUG: You hear me?

Or do you wanna be a dead dude, dude?

[radioactive rat roar returns; profanity and gunshots]

Phil!

Phil? Phil!

Oh, shit.

Oh, oh… he lost me again.

– Man, what's wrong with you? – Just cool it, okay?

Phil?

Why'd you stop us from zappin' those guys when we like had 'em?

Hey—you givin' up?

[mumbling] Huh? Oh—clothes? Clothes!

[mumbling] {These things'll} cover me up.

[mumbling] Mmm. Right.

[door creaks loudly]

WARPED VOICE: Well? CHESTER: He won't tell us nothin'.

WARPED VOICE: But what about the keys? Pray, you did get them, didn't you?

CHESTER: No, he didn't have 'em. We searched the fucker inside out.

WARPED VOICE: You little fool. You said you had them.

CHESTER: I know, I know, I screwed up. Big deal.

WARPED VOICE: You don't seem to understand, Chester.

This is not just another disco drug deal. The world is at stake here.

CHESTER: Alright, alright.

WARPED VOICE: Now, you did say there were two boys, did you not? CHESTER: Yeah…

[whispering] Phil! Phil! Phil!

– Untie me! – You okay? – Yeah.

– I was worried about ya. – Shhh! Come on. Those punks!

– Oh, Phil! – Shhh! Come on.

He must be found immediately!

Alright, alright, fuck! The other boy must've had the keys.

If Miles Archer gets him into her video district, we're all as good as dead.

Alright, alright.

[whispering] Come on, Marlowe.

WARPED VOICE: Miles will get the keys and she'll launch the missile.

[whispering] Come on.

– Wait! – That sound—

[gunshots and angry disco mutant noises]

[whispering] Come on, follow. This way. Just follow me.

Come on, we gotta get outta this city, Marlowe. Everybody's tryin' to kill us.

MARLOWE: Nah, we just gotta find Miles. PHIL: [whispering] Miles?!

Yeah, she'll know what to do!

PHIL: How do you know she's not out to get us, huh? MARLOWE: She's a right peach, Phil.

PHIL: No reason to trust her. Maybe she, maybe she's just gonna blow up the world, too, huh?

MARLOWE: No, no, don't you remember how it started? Those mutants who were tryin' to hurt her?

They're the ones that wanna blow up the world. Not Miles.

Marlowe!

MARLOWE: That you, Miles?

It's Miles! Phil!

Miles, where you been! I missed ya!

You were at the—at the phone booth an' everything, we missed ya—

– Phil? Phil, Miles? Remember? – Yeah, I remember.

We'll talk later.

– What? – Let's go. – Miles!

– Yeah, well how about some answers first, Miles. – It's Miles!

– I mean, people are tryin' to kill us 'cause of you. – Get in here!

PHIL: Well, at least tell me where we're goin', Miles.

So, Miles, you wanna know what we been doin', Miles?

Well we been lookin' for you, but this guy Bart, um…

[synth beats of frustrated passions and tension]

Oh, Phil…

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, whoa ♪

♪ Guilty pleasures Standing just outside my door ♪

♪ Drastic measures Things I've never done before ♪

♪ Ooo it will be {shifty light}, I know ♪

♪ When I make you mine tonight ♪

THUG: Okay, here we go.

♪ Guilty pleasures ♪

♪ Minds exciting Oh, you're such a troubled guest ♪

♪ So inviting I'm on the edge of heat distress ♪

♪ Oh, you'll treat me bad tonight, oh yeah ♪

♪ Turn my dreams to real life [fading] ♪

Why don't you go on in and take it easy,

while I slip into something

more comfortable.

♪ Guilty pleasures Open up, open up, I want more ♪

♪ Angels are dancing through my head ♪

♪ Going places I have never, never been ♪

Look at this. A real sweet peach. [revolver clicks]

♪ No, I can't fight it Oooh, it feels so right ♪

Somethin' queer goin' on here.

Somethin' really queer.

You {better ready} Miles. You got the keys yet?

♪ Baited treasures Well, maybe this time I've gone too far ♪

♪ Oooh, you'll treat me bad tonight, oh yeah ♪

♪ Turn my dreams to real life ♪

♪ Guilty pleasures ♪

♪ Guilty pleasures ♪ [air raid sirens begin to wail]

[atomic bomb thunder crash while air raid sirens wail]

[bomb shelter doors crash shut]

Oh my God, them keys can launch a nuclear missile.

See, Marlowe, I was right. Miles wants to blow up the world, too.

Gotta get outta here before it's too late.

It is too late, Phil.

MILES: I'm gonna blow your head off unless I get those keys.

[whimpering] So, what does this mean, Miles?

You don't love me no more?

Oh shit.

– Come on, Marlowe—come on—come on! – Okay! Okay.

[flailing and hollering] Hurry, Phil! Hurry!

Go, hurry!

Duck, Phil, duck!

♪ Oooh, it will be {shifty light}, I know ♪

♪ When I make you mine tonight ♪

♪ Guilty pleasures ♪

♪ Minds exciting Oh, you're such a troubled guest ♪

♪ But so inviting I'm on the edge of heat distress ♪

[discordant cymbals]

♪ Oooh, you'll treat me bad tonight, oh yeah ♪

♪ Turn my dreams to real life ♪

[roaring, booing, furious crowd]

♪ Guilty pleasures ♪

♪ Guilty pleasures ♪

♪ Guilty pleasures Knocking on my front door ♪

♪ Guilty pleasures Open up, open up, I want more ♪

♪ Guilty pleasures ♪

♪ Guilty pleasures ♪

♪ Whoa-oh, guilty pleasures ♪

[sirens and chanting crowd fade away]

PHIL: Like Philip Marlowe, we now saw the world for what it was:

Cold and bitter.

Sad thing was, me and Marlowe'd become infected by the disease.

We was angry and vengeful and all we wanted to do was to get back at the world,

to make 'em all pay for what they'd done to us.

We'd slipped over the edge into the dark side,

where the Rusty Mars and the Miles Archers of this world wallowed.

We wasn't kids no more,

and oh would the world be sorry.

We can't ever let 'em—

we can't ever let those creeps blow up the world again.

They ain't never gonna get these keys.

Right… right!

It's you and me.

We are the bait.

Swell.

I love it.

No more yakkin'.

No more high times.

No more nothin'.

[revolver clicks, firing off tragic synths]

Ditto.

♪ Turned around and faced myself For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I was running through the maze of an endless darkness Just trying to survive ♪

♪ And if I had you here beside me I would never let you go ♪

Oh— [synths quiver and fade]

Drop the fuckin' gun, dig?

– Little assholes. – Why you—

Where the fuck are the fuckin' keys?

Like I lost them man, really! I was trying to square their trail too!

Let's fuckin' waste her.

[two gunshots]

♪ On the edge of a broken dream I heard your footsteps in the night ♪

♪ I was running through the maze of an endless darkness And they stood in the light ♪

♪ Like a white knight riding on a breathless horse You came and saved me from my fears ♪

♪ But as you turned away and left me I saw the truth behind my tears ♪

♪ You turn away and leave me here Where I've been standing all my life ♪

Rusty: Phil!

♪ After giving me a reason to find love ♪

[revolver hammer clicks]

Oh, no.

Please, please.

[hammer slams on an empty chamber]

Come on, Phil. [hammer clicks again]

Come on.

We got garbage to clean up.

Phil!

I'm sorry about the meat locker.

– And I'm sorry about all the lies I told you— – Save it, baby.

That was a million years ago and I got a short memory.

In fact, I don't even remember who you are.

But why'd you save me?

– I mean after what I did to you— – Look!

We don't got time for this, okay?

We're on the clock, sister.

This is his time to clear the board, win the game, chambers loaded, hammers cocked.

Y'know our fingers are itchin' like a cat with a serious case of fleas.

Come on, pal.

Let's push muscle. Come on!

Phil, wait!

Like, please, Phil!

– Phil, wait! – Look, dress or no dress, you ain't gettin' no second chance, baby.

Man, don't you see why I had to rip you off?

It's like the world we live in, man,

– it's dog eat dog! – And man eat man, don't they?

Phil!

Damnit, Rusty!

You double-crossed me. I saved your skin, so just beat it, Rusty!

I don't ever wanna see your double-crossin' face again.

This stick ain't playin' the sap no more.

– Phil, just let me do somethin'— – Just shut up and crawl away?

[sobbing] You have no idea what it took to get here!

Fifteen years of murder and rape!

And I did anything I could to survive—anything—

and don't gotta apologise to nobody.

You dig?

[RUSTY sobs]

You wanna know the saddest thing, Rusty?

Me and Marlowe used to be a couple swell, decent Joes.

Now we're carryin' so much hate and jade,

we're not much better than you.

They'll kill you, Phil!

[RUSTY sobs]

[PHIL strikes a match sharply]

Yeah, I'd like to see 'em try.

[powerful synth beat hammers down like rain]

♪ She's on the make, she's got what it takes She's getting what she's after ♪

♪ She'll never lose, she's got so many moves She'll turn your heart to ashes ♪

♪ In a blaze of flashing light ♪

♪ She's a fire, raging out of control ♪

♪ She's a fire, She'll burn you to your— ♪

♪ They stop and stare, but she don't care There's evil in her eyes ♪

♪ She's got the power, she wants control She'll cut you down to size ♪

♪ In a blaze of flashing light Hear the sirens in the night ♪

♪ She's a fire, raging out of control ♪

♪ She's a fire, she'll burn you to your soul ♪

♪ She's a fire, raging out of control ♪

♪ She's a fire, she'll burn you to your soul ♪

♪ She's a fire ♪

[door slams shut on the music]

PHIL: So far, our plan was workin' like a charm.

Our little stroll through Edge City had stirred things up just right.

With us as the bait, every big fish in the post-nuke world was followin' us into that warehouse.

Now all we had to do was get 'em to kill each other off,

without killin' us.

Drop the Roscoe, or I'll peel your windpipe.

[chuckling] Miles.

Okay, your move.

Back off. Just back off.

Your breath smells like the runs, Miles.

It's irritatin' my nose and wrinklin' my suit.

Oh, Marlowe's one tough dick now.

Yeah.

Yeah! And you shouldn't've crossed the line!

Give me the keys.

[fizz BOOM]

[warped voice] You, my brothers, have done well.

Against all sane odds, you have turned away all who would steal our rightful prize.

You're both truly remarkable.

Pray, first the keys, brother.

Drop the rods, pugface.

Drop 'em, or the keys disappear forever.

– We could pray drop you, brother. – Think so?

Then try it, swift. Go ahead, try it.

Hey, you better watch it, chiro.

It's Phillip and Marlowe you're dealing with here.

It can't be.

Phillip.

Marlowe.

You mean… you actually know these guys?

Yeah…

from a very long time ago.

[squeal of protesting rubber]

[voice suddenly clear] Hiya, squirt! Remember me?

[whispering] Pop.

– Pop! – Jesus Christ.

CHANDLER: "His face twisted grotesquely, turning a pukish shade of—"

come on kid, you hafta— [child MARLOWE babbles]

"Bugsy gurgled as I crushed his—"

– come on, you wanna learn how to read, don't you? – I'm trying.

– Hey, look, squirt— – Knock it off, Spade.

– Beatin' a dead horse, the kid's got brain damage. – That ain't my fault.

– Don't take any wooden nickels. – Swell.

– Chin up. – Chin up.

Yeah, we're your "pops", alright.

He's not, Marlowe. No he's not.

These are the creeps that locked us in that bomb shelter 15 years ago.

Aren'tcha.

Now they've come back to get these keys and they're gonna kill us for 'em.

They're gonna kill you.

Aren'tcha.

They don't care about them stupid keys.

Do ya?

The keys or I blow the shit out of his head.

Throw us the keys, Phil.

She won't shoot Marlowe, she knows we'll blow her away.

The keys, before it's too late.

There you go. [keys clatter on concrete]

[awful silence falls]

[the beat comes back in full force]

[radioactive rat's roaring rampage]

Fuckin' rat!

HOWARD: You fuckin' piece of shit rat!

HOWARD: Agh, lemme go! Lemme go, please! [dying screams]

♪ There's a storm out in the distance ♪

♪ Rising fast and getting close to you ♪

♪ You'll feel its breath upon your back before you're through ♪

♪ It's after you, comin' after you ♪

♪ So you run into the shadows Livin' in a world that's grown so cold ♪

♪ And now you're holding on to dreams of long ago ♪

♪ Don't turn away (×2) ♪

♪ When lightning strikes We will stand or we will fall Hold on, answer to the call ♪

♪ When lightning strikes We will pay the price and rise above it all ♪

♪ When lightning strikes ♪

♪ You can break out of the darkness ♪

♪ Fighting for our dream, you will find the way ♪

♪ But when you're caught between the bounds of love and hate ♪

Squirts! Run, get outta here! [echoing]

♪ It's up to you (×2) ♪

♪ There's no one to rely on Fire and destruction's all you know ♪

♪ And though the world beneath your feet begins to roll ♪

♪ Don't lose control (×2) ♪

♪ When lightning strikes We will stand or we will fall Hold on, answer to the call ♪

♪ When lightning strikes We will pay the price and rise above it all ♪

♪ When lightning strikes (×2) ♪

NO! No! Stop! Pops!

POPS!

{Pops}! No! No!

Marlowe!

POPS!

PHIL: No! MARLOWE: NO!

♪ Hold on, I know we'll find a way ♪

PHIL: Marlowe! MARLOWE: NO! POPS!

♪ When lighting strikes We will pay the price and rise above it all ♪

[PHIL and MARLOWE screaming]

♪ When lightning strikes (×5) ♪

[crumbling wall falls on the music like a ton of rocks]

[crunch and groan]

[desperate click of an empty gun]

You haven't got the guts.

Thanks. [keys jangle]

Jesus Christ.

MARLOWE: Don't worry, pop.

We got the keys back and nobody else is ever gonna get 'em, either.

[bittersweetly triumphal synths and guitars]

[HAMMER groans]

Who are we, anyway?

What happened all those years ago?

Straight scoop, alright.

What's the difference.

The past is past.

Get on with your life, kid.

Thanks, pop.

So long, pop.

MARLOWE: So long.

It's okay.

[brighter melody struggles through]

PHIL: When I saw all those knuckleheads staring at us,

I thought for a minute we had another fight on our hands.

I started to wonder if saving this world had been worth it.

Then I realised,

they was probably just like me and Marlowe,

lookin' for a few high times, and after what we'd been through,

I figured Marlowe's silver lining look on life was the only hope we had.

Hey, partner.

What.

How about teachin' me them steps, huh. Huh?

What steps?

You know,the Post-Nuke Shuffle? Huh?

– Really? – Yeah, really.

I figure it's time to lighten up and enjoy the hand we was dealt.

Good or bad, it's the only life we got.

Ditto… ditto.

So follow me out, partner, 'cause we are gonna do some dancin'.

♪ It's a new beginning, the fighting's over ♪

♪ We made it, we're standing, somehow we survived ♪

♪ Gotta happy ending, so let's celebrate ♪

♪ By shakin' up, and makin' up for lost time ♪

♪ Some dickin' and dancin' and nukin' the blues ♪

♪ We're mondo bizarro, we're happenin' dudes ♪

♪ Come on, just turn it loose, oh ♪

♪ Zim bim zowie, we're ready for action ♪

♪ Zim bim zowie, whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Zim bim zowie, we're radioactive ♪

♪ Zim bim zowie, whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ It's an open invitation to everybody ♪

♪ Now we're really rockin' with one steady roll ♪

♪ Bring your own mutations, no-one gets turned away ♪

♪ This is one party where anything goes ♪

♪ Remember the old days, the 4th of July ♪

♪ Ain't seen nothin' like it since '85 ♪

♪ We're mondo bizarro, we're happenin' dudes ♪

♪ Dickin' and dancin' and nukin' the blues ♪

♪ Come on, we can't lose, oh ♪

♪ Zim bim zowie [fading] ♪

PHIL: So that was our first day out in the post-nuke world.

Me and Marlowe agreed to go into business after takin' a little time off.

He went off lookin' for a prettier dancin' partner, and…

…and I went off lookin' for Rusty.

I figured, maybe there was a chance for us.

Oh, and about those keys.

Well, don't worry, I stashed 'em in a safe place that only me and Marlowe knew about.

Yeah, we coulda destroyed 'em, but,

we figured, you never know:

In a tight jam, a nuclear missile just might come in handy.

♪ We run against a sky of black and red ♪

♪ Premonitions of tomorrow Is there a future there for me ♪

♪ It's been a long, lonely wait ♪

♪ Now I can see your face in everything I say and do today, in my life (radioactive) ♪

♪ I need a place to lie my head (radioactive) ♪

♪ I close my eyes, but there's no rest (radioactive dreams) ♪

♪ Get me out of this wasteland of radioactive dreams ♪

♪ I, I see the colours changing shape ♪

♪ Sometimes I feel the darkness But I know in time, there will be light ♪

♪ Break down the walls that hold us in ♪

♪ Well, my head is pounding stronger Does anyone hear me when I call? ♪

♪ I'm calling (radioactive) I need a place to lie my head (radioactive) ♪

♪ I close my eyes, but there's no rest (radioactive dreams) ♪

♪ Get me out of this wasteland of radioactive dreams ♪

[beat shifts menacingly]

♪ We had warnings of dark clouds forming ♪

♪ Fear has brought me to my knees ♪

♪ Memories haunt me, darkness wants me ♪

♪ Someone wake me please ♪

♪ It's a dream ♪

♪ Nightmare Like a child screaming ♪

♪ Nightmare They say he's only dreaming ♪

♪ Is under the bed? It is all in his head? ♪

♪ Nightmare ♪

[beat wanders mysteriously]

[final sinister synths]

Movie!

I went with a pretty maximalist style for these subs/captions. Sorry if you were looking for just the bare lines.

This was the first time I put together subs or captions of any kind, and it took forever and a day for a bunch of reasons (beyond inexperience): 1. I had to transcribe it myself because I couldn't find a script online. 2. There's slang from several decades of USAmerican subcultures. 3. Sound quality varies. 4. I didn't have any SRT-making tools (couldn't find any desktop apps for MacOS and the web apps I found were freemium or kinda bad), so I made this by writing in a text editor and getting timestamps from importing the MP4's audio into Audacity. Don't do this! It takes forever!! Also, there's so much internally contradictory "best practices" for writing captions, god damn. The main problem I ran into: if a line of dialog's split over 2 lines of caption then the halves should be as even as possible, and also be split by linguistic wholes, AND by sentence flow. Unfortunately, things rarely align to let you succeed at all three.

NOTES First, formatting: [SFX and instrumental music notes] ♪ music lyrics (backup vocals) ♪ ♪ repeated lyrics (×2) ♪ voiceovers, flashbacks, etc. {stuff I'm really not confident about, but had to put something in}

Extra formatting stuff: * When two people on-screen talk in the same caption, each line of dialogue starts with an en dash (–). * Off-screen and voiceover dialogue starts with the name of the character speaking, in all-caps (e.g. PHIL, VOICE UPSTAIRS). Since this makes it clear who says what, I don't use en dashes in these cases. * I ignored backup vocals in lyrics except where they were different from main vocals, e.g. in the song "Eat You Alive" the refrain is "Gonna eat (eat) you (you), eat you alive", but the backups don't add meaning so I ignored them.

And some other notes: -- Names: * Phillip and Marlowe are named after the fictional detective Philip Marlowe (note the one "l", not two like this film's Phillip) created by the writer Raymond Chandler. When Phil gets annoyed with Marlowe when they're walking to Edge City, he seems to refer to the original Philip Marlowe when saying "Sure Marlowe wouldn't act this way", so I put the name in quotes. Finally, Phil refers to Philip Marlowe by full name in his monologue after escaping Miles, so I used the original's one-l spelling. * "Dash Hammer" might be from detective fiction writer Dashiell Hammet. "Spade Chandler" might be from Hammet's detective Sam Spade, and plus Raymond Chandler (see above). * Sternwood's name might refer to the man who hires Philip Marlowe in "The Big Sleep". * Harold and Chester, the two disco mutants, feel like they might be references to characters, writers, or maybe musicians, e.g. "Chester" might be a reference to the detective fiction writer Chester Himes. I dunno. * I couldn't find or think of any historical noir references in the other names (Rusty Mars, Miles Archer, Brick Bardo, etc.), but then I'm not super well-read in that area.

-- Slang: A few rarer or original bits and pieces: * zim bim zowie: invented for this film, I think? * foot truck: probably also invented for this film, but I might have to crowbar it into real life. * Roscoe/rod: old slang for guns, specifically pistols. Phil and Marlowe use them to refer to a submachine gun and grenade launchers, but eh. * chiro: took me a moment to find this, but basically it's (maybe regional) Latin American slang for a very poor person, a bum, someone with nothing to their name etc.

-- Captioning: * When the disco mutants run away after Phil and Marlowe take their guns, I think they mention Chandler and Hammer by name, but since the lines are indistinct and Phil and Marlowe are yelling, AND it feels too early in the film to clearly reveal that kinda thing, I covered it with "[drowned out by PHIL and MARLOWE yelling]". * I'm not 100% sure what Phil says when he pisses off Sternwood. It sounds like "altuna", which I figure could be two things: a gurgled "at the tuner", a reference to piano keys; or "tuna", a pun on "tuner" from the first idea and also a food ref (because Sternwood keeps calling him Porky). I dunno. * It sounds to me like Marlowe calls Brick Bardo "Bart", maybe a short form or mishearing of his surname. * Marlowe mumbles a lot when he's hunting down the disco mutants and Phil. A lot of it's barely intelligible (I think intentionally), so I didn't write captions. * Sometimes dialogue's duplicated to pad the soundscape, e.g. the dialogue between Chester and the kidnappers when Marlowe rescues Phil. I didn't include the duplicates for obvious reasons. * There's a brief bit of song before Guilty Pleasures. I didn't add lyrics because it's not listed in the credits and could be confused for part of Guilty Pleasures.