Original subtitles

Thanks.

Coming through.

- Darn. - That makes six in a row.

You owe me another buck.

Get you next time.

That will be all.

Whew. How long you been in that Research Department now?

Two weeks.

You must've spent all that time figuring out the fastest route up here.

Think what you want.

You know, if I hadn't caught my robe on that drinking fountain...

People wouldn't have shouted "pervert" at you.

Yeah, you're right.

Hi, judge. Hi, Kristen.

Hey, Bull.

She beat you again, huh, sir?

- What can I do for you? - I might be late for this session.

One of the prisoners escaped and is on the loose.

Is he dangerous?

I doubt it.

Some pervert who just tried to take a sponge bath...

...in one of the water fountains.

They say he was wearing a dress too.

- Don't worry, we'll get him. - Yeah, good luck.

Well, first offense.

Time off for good behavior.

Shouldn't be too bad.

Hey, Harry, did you hear?

Yeah, I heard. Some sicko in a dress tried to rinse himself off in a drinking fountain.

Why don't we all notify the media, huh?

I was gonna say the bank approved my car loan.

Oh.

Happy payments.

Yeah, thanks.

- Anybody up for some coffee? - Oh, no, I have to go meet with a client.

- Yeah, and I gotta... - Have your fingerprints changed.

That might help.

See you guys later.

Thanks, Mac.

Hey, great.

I had a side bet with him.

Billie.

Your Honor.

I saw that water-fountain incident.

But I couldn't make out his face.

Excuse me. I'm gonna go take an English refresher course.

Sir, wait a minute.

- Not another penny, Mac. - Oh, no, sir. No, sir.

I just want to give you this.

It came special delivery from the mayor's office. Heh.

Yeah, it's an invitation.

Well, it wasn't marked "personal" so I opened it.

It's pretty exciting.

- "The Honorable Harold T..." - "Stone."

It's a big reception and they want you to make a speech too.

- Particulars, Mac? - Eight o'clock, next Saturday.

- Cocktails at 7, black tie. - Thank you.

Oh, my pleasure, sir.

Look, Mac, do me a favor.

Don't mention that invitation to anyone else, all right?

Especially...

Please, take me with you!

All rise.

Criminal court, part two, is now in session.

The Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

- You may be seat... Aah!

That's the man!

He did the most disgusting thing!

He exposed himself!

So, uh, ha, ha, ha...

Must be a full moon out tonight, huh?

No, I think everybody's just on edge because that creep's still on the loose.

We'll get him.

Police artist made a composite based on eyewitness descriptions and, uh...

Better let me take that, huh?

- So I hear congratulations are in order. - I beg your pardon?

Oh, come on. Don't be modest. A speech at the mayor's, that's big stuff.

Yes, sir, and we are fiercely proud of you.

And I swear, I won't do a thing to draw attention to myself.

- No. - I've got a bad suit.

I could pass for a Democrat.

No.

First case, Your Honor.

People v. The Reader family.

- Wow. Ooh.

Oh.

Dad, that's the jury box, isn't it?

Yes, son, it is.

But there's no jury tonight, because we are in?

- Jenny? - Arraignment court.

Very good.

Brian, can you spell arraignment?

A-R-R-A-l...

N.

G, it's silent.

What must you think of me?

What's the charge, Mac?

"Destruction of property, disturbing the peace, aggravated assault."

Assault?

A-S-S-A-U-L-T.

Go to your desk and take a N-A-P.

Yes, sir.

You must be the Readers.

- Yes, sir. I'm Tom. - I'm Sally.

- I'm Brian. - And I'm Jenny.

Apparently, Karen and Cubby were lost in the shuffle.

What is the story, Mr. Prosecutor?

Your Honor, the Readers were staying at the Go Yankees Motel...

...just a few blocks from here, when the police were called...

...by the manager, a "Mr. Blacky Buzzlick."

Blacky Buzzlick?

My friends call me Lonnie.

And for good reason, no doubt.

Mr. Buzzlick, would you mind approaching the bench?

Your Honor, when the police arrived they found...

...that Mr. And Mrs. America here had destroyed their rooms...

...and were flinging the contents thereof at Mr. Buzzlick.

Your Honor, the Readers booked their room months ago...

...based on an ad in Knuckleball Magazine.

They had no way of knowing it was an X-rated motel.

It says right here, "An oasis of adult pleasure."

We thought that meant a babysitting service.

Your Honor, while the people sympathize...

...with the plight of Ozzy and his brood here, the fact remains...

...they signed an agreement with Mr. Buzzlick...

...and he is well within his rights to withhold any moneys deposited.

Hey, they pay the damages, they're more than welcome to stay.

I'll never go back there.

It was awful.

The toys were nice, though.

Toys?

Some items of amusement included at no extra charge.

Oh, my God.

All right, people, give me some air, huh?

Mr. And Mrs. Reader, I'm afraid I have no choice but to find you guilty.

Oh, that's okay, Your Honor.

It'll just bring us closer together.

You put your picture on your Christmas cards, don't you?

What's next on the hit parade, Mac?

That's chowtime, sir.

All right, dinner, everybody.

Bull.

Any luck with the von Trapp family?

No, sir. Not yet.

Called every agency in town, but they don't qualify for any kind of aid.

Is there anybody in Ohio they can write to for money?

No family, no friends.

But that just...

Brings them closer together.

Yeah, I know.

- Keep working on it, huh, Bull? - Yes, sir.

You can have half my sandwich.

- Hey, A.J. Foyt. - Want a rematch?

No, I can't afford it. Come on in.

I got the Lansing files you wanted copies of.

Great.

You are doing wonders for the efficiency of that research department.

Thanks. I mean, it's nice of you to notice.

- Want some freeze-dried enchiladas? - No, thanks. Harry...

They're the latest thing.

All you do is add water...

...and, voil�, you got...

...hot, wet garbage.

- Hey, Harry. - Yeah?

Saturday, there's this kind of prom thing to celebrate my prelaw graduating class...

...and I thought you might wanna go with me.

Gee, Kristen, I would love to go...

...but I've got a date at the mayor's on Saturday.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Maybe next time, huh? Like when you graduate post-law school.

Yeah, right. Sure, it's a date.

Well, I gotta go now. See you later.

Okay, tomorrow night I'll be back in shape for a rematch.

Sure.

Hey, Kristen, you wanna grab a bite to eat?

No, thanks.

I'm having tacos with Fritz Mondale in the park.

Kristen?

Kristen. Kristen.

Okay.

Now it's...

...thinner.

- Yeah? - Harry.

I've just invented fiesta soup.

Harry, I have to talk to you about Kristen.

- What's the matter with Kristen? - What's the matter?

She's devastated, that's what's the matter.

I told her not to pop a wheelie on a newly waxed floor.

- She's not physically hurt. - Well, then what's the problem?

- You are the problem. - Come again?

Harry, she asked you to go to that prom thing with her.

And you tell her you have to go to the mayor's.

- I do. - Of course you do.

But how's she supposed to know that?

- I told her. - You see?

Why are you yelling at me?

Because...

...I had to yell at somebody.

Well, as long as there's a good reason.

I'm sorry, Harry.

It's just that that poor girl feels so rejected right now.

Don't tell me she's got a crush on me?

No.

Well, of course she likes you...

...but you're the fifth person that she's asked to that dance that turned her down.

- I see. - And they all had some imaginative excuses.

- Such as? - A party at the White House for Nancy.

- Uh-huh. - A sudden call to active duty...

...by the National Guard.

- Okay. - And my personal favorite:

Elective open-heart surgery.

- Poor kid. - Yeah, tell me about it.

So when I told her I had to go to the mayor's...

...it sounded like a lot of...

Bull muffins.

I better go find her.

Billie, would you stir that stuff for me?

What in the hell are they smiling about?

Take it easy, Dan.

They're just one big happy family.

I want your planet of origin, and I want it now.

Harry, ever since I was a little boy I had a dream:

To go to the mayor's and wear a tuxedo.

I won't make a scene. I'll be very quiet.

Hi.

- Hello. - Mind if I join you?

No, pull up a wheelchair.

Kristen, I really do have a date at the mayor's on Saturday.

Oh, I'm sure.

What about Friday, then? Dining with the governor?

I can understand why you're bitter.

No, you can't.

You're right. I can't.

Wanna see a magic trick?

Look, an invitation to the mayor's.

Now watch as I make it disappear.

Nothing up my sleeves.

I say the magic words:

Dan, you want the invitation?

I will never forget you for this. I'm gonna name my first-born after you.

Unless I prove to be sterile, in which case I will buy a dog.

I will name him Harry.

May God follow you the rest of your days.

And may the angel of death not come across your path until you're into your 80s.

- How'd I do it? - Very funny.

- I thought so. - Well, now I'm free.

So is that invitation to the big shindig still open?

I'm sorry, but I don't need this.

You don't need what?

Your sympathy.

What are you talking about?

The little gimp gets her feelings hurt...

...so you make a grand gesture to make her feel all right.

I suppose that makes you feel like a great big hero.

Your Honor. You can't do that.

Now wait a minute.

Let's hear his side of it.

Harry?

Kristen, how about you and me go somewhere else and talk about this?

There's nothing to talk about.

You're right.

What?

There's nothing to talk about.

I wouldn't go to that dance if you were the last person on Earth.

Hey, you can't say that. I'm disabled.

You sure are.

Right up here.

Dan, give me the invitation back.

Ha-ha-ha. No. She's kidding.

Look at her, she's kidding.

- Now. - She wants to...

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

No, wait. Harry, reconsider this.

What's the matter, never seen a wimp before?

Yay!

Oh...

Alabama, Jenny.

Montgomery.

- Um... Nevada. - Reno.

Ooh. - I mean, Carson City.

Even Richard Dawson would hate these people.

Hey, Bull. How'd you do?

I hit everybody in the guards' lounge, the cops, the DA's office.

And?

Fifty-two dollars and 27 cents.

- Well, that will get them to Queens. - Well, Mr. Shannon?

I'm afraid it just isn't enough.

That's all right, Bull.

At least you tried.

And that's all that really matters, isn't it, Mom?

Yes, dear.

That's all we can do.

That's all any of us can do.

Just put our nose to the grindstone, our shoulder to the wheel, and just try.

What difference does it make if we're stuck here forever?

At least we're stuck together.

Bon voyage.

I swear to you, Harry, it moved.

- Can I come in? - Sure.

- There, it did it again. - Billie, will you excuse us?

Don't go near it. There's something's down there.

- See you in court. - It was the hot water, brought it to life.

- Right. - Wait, wait, electricity.

You've seen those movies. They always kill it with electricity.

So, what can I do for you?

- Hit me over the head with a baseball bat? - Lf you think it will help.

It might.

I just talked to Dan.

Turns out you really did have an invitation to the mayor's.

I could've sworn I said that to someone just a little while ago.

You did.

I apologize for not believing in you.

Not accepted.

Okay.

Not accepted until you agree to take people at face value.

I've tried that before and it didn't work.

Well, you didn't try it with me.

Innocent until proven guilty?

What else is there?

Initial distrust.

Boy, that makes you wanna wake up every morning, doesn't it?

But you changed your mind because you felt sorry for me, didn't you?

- Yeah. - See?

But if I hadn't had other plans...

...how do you know that I wouldn't have wanted to go with you?

Would you have?

- How old are you? - Twenty-one.

Absolutely.

- Who is it? Dan.

- Just a minute. Okay.

Kristen, I really want to go to that dance with you on Saturday.

That would be wonderful.

Great.

Then we won't need this invitation.

- Dan? Uh-huh.

Have fun.

- Heh. - Aah.

Line 1, Your Honor.

- Oh, I can't, I'm busy. - It's the mayor.

Hello, Mr. Mayor?

Hi, yeah.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Yeah, thank you very much for being so understanding. Uh-huh.

Oh, huh?

No, I haven't heard the one about the Republican...

...and the Democrat who were stranded on the desert island, no.

Uh-huh. Huh? Heh-heh.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

That's great.

Ed, you municipal nut, you.

Gotta go, bye.

Kristen?

What do you think?

They go with the rest of me?

- But where...? I mean, how...? - I've had them for a while now.

Well, then why haven't you been using them?

Ask Harry.

A little testing, maybe?

Seeing if people like you for who you really are, just to be sure?

Something like that.

They look terrific.

And they don't make a damn bit of difference.

It's still me, huh?

Lucky for me.

Harry, I was wondering...

Hey, where'd you get the gams?

Santa filled my Christmas stocking, all the way up.

Ha-ha. Whoa. Great sense of humor. Listen, I got my limousine downstairs.

Want me to drop you guys off on my way to His Honor's?

- Sure, why not? - Great, let's go.

- That your money clip? - Oh, yeah, thanks.

No.

Hey, Dan.

Gotcha.

You devil.

- Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. - He had me going.

All right, I'll see you guys downstairs, huh?

This is gonna be the greatest night of my life.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.