Original subtitles

Hey, you guys ready?

- For what? - I'm warming up my jumping beans.

Oh, you've been sneaking into the toy store again, haven't you, sir?

Couldn't help myself. Watch this.

The instruction booklet says that the worms inside get real feisty if you heat them up.

And there we go, hey.

Why you're not charging for this, I'll never know.

Hey, guys, what you doing?

We're waiting for Harry's little pals in the jumping beans to start performing.

Must be a defective batch, sir.

Yeah, could be.

Well, not to worry, I got another bag of them on my desk.

- A little brown bag? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

You'll excuse me.

Judge Harry.

Yakov.

- You remember. - Yakov Korolenko.

- It's still me. - Well, so it is.

Good to see you, guy.

Hey, Mac, Billie, this is Yakov.

- Selma, you remember Yakov? - Sure.

Last year, he doused himself with gasoline, threatened to blow us all up.

Is this a seasonal thing, or just an idle hobby?

- I've grown since then. - Sounds like your English has grown too.

Thank you. I go to this night school for 11 months.

Nine hours a day mastering your language...

...so I can receive all the career opportunities...

...in this free enterprise system. - Oh, what do you do?

Mop spit off floors in Grand Central Station.

God bless America.

Everybody, I want you to meet my brother lvan.

He's training dancing bear for Leningrad Circus.

Very famous in Russia.

- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Welcome to America.

He doesn't speak English.

And he's no rocket scientist to begin with.

So who's your other friend there?

That's, uh, KGB.

But act natural and laugh like:

He has orders to stop lvan in case he wants to defect.

Yakov, does your brother want to defect?

You betcha.

Yakov, listen, I appreciate you thinking of me...

...but I'm afraid that granting asylum doesn't fall within my jurisdiction.

I can't help. I'm sorry.

Bye-bye.

Hang on a second there, Yakov.

Um, here's the number of a friend of mine at the lmmigration Service.

Give him a call in the morning, and he'll take over.

Oh, boy, thank you very much.

See you later, Alleghenies.

Hello. Remember me?

Yes. Go away.

I wanna introduce you to my brother.

He's visiting from Russia.

- This is, uh... - Hi, Perry Mason.

I loved you in The King and I.

Who are you? KGB?

I'm People's Cultural Quality Control committee.

Heh, heh, heh. Don't worry, the cement look is here to stay.

Perry Mason.

Gridlocking, littering, dog doo-doo violations.

I'm telling you, Mac, this is the dullest night of my life.

Play with your Silly Putty, sir. It will blow over.

Keep them down there. They're driving me nuts.

Come on.

Come on. Settle down.

All right. Settle down.

What the hell is this?

Come on, everybody.

Hey, hey, court isn't even in session yet.

Court's in session.

Mr. Prosecutor, will you fill me in on this circus?

Yes, Your Honor, we have assault and destruction of property.

It seems a Cultural Exchange Society was giving a benefit performance...

...by some members of the Leningrad Circus at a hotel uptown...

...when our old friend Mr. Korolenko decided to drop in...

...through a skylight.

Swinging on a rope.

It's the only thing I could think of.

I tried to get A-Team, but man said it was impossible.

- What man? - Uh...

William Morris.

He said Bob Denver was available though.

Your Honor, Yakov grabbed his brother. They hid in a coatroom.

This gentleman kicked the door in, at which point, this gentleman jumped him.

I just happened to be there on a lark, Your Honor.

Bob Smith. Smith Wholesale Circus Tent Company.

- He is CIA. - CIA.

I saw him talking to his pen.

- I was just cleaning the tip. - CIA.

- KGB! - CIA!

All right, all right, kids, kids, kids.

Who the hell is that?

Ms. Elsa Dubrinovitch, Your Honor.

She went berserk and knocked out three guests...

...the dancing bear, and five, count them, five busboys.

I was merely defending my countryman.

I take it you're a member of the circus.

Yes, I juggle my family.

You must be very close.

Defense.

Are you kidding? I barely had time to get all these names in my pad.

Your Honor, I could be of some assistance here.

Martin Glasscock, I work for the government.

- Please tell me ours. - Ours.

This is Mr. Karpov. He's with the Soviet government.

I would strongly suggest that you contact both embassies and our State Department.

Well, there's the phone. Be my guest.

Well, honestly, this is not quite our area.

Mr. Karpov and I were merely guests.

Then things got a little out of hand.

He threw a tray of devilled eggs at me.

For the ninth time, somebody else threw them at me.

- I just ducked. - Then you ducked maliciously.

Listen, Karpov, I've had it up to here...

Come on, please. Cut it out.

Out of curiosity, Mr. Glasscock, what area of government are you guys in?

We're arms negotiators.

I have got to get started on that bomb shelter.

All right, Selma, you take the two brawlees till I figure out what to do with them.

You two gentlemen come with me. Bull, you keep an eye on everyone.

Recess.

You guys wanna have a seat over here.

You won't let him take him back, will you?

It's really that bad back there?

You ever been to Milwaukee?

- Yeah. - Well, close your eyes.

Please?

When you open your eyes, you're going to be in middle of Milwaukee.

No matter where you go, you walk, run or fly...

...you're always going to be in middle of Milwaukee.

You can grab a car, and drive 2000 miles away.

You're still gonna be in middle of...

No!

Stop. Stop it.

Works every time.

- I have question. - Yes?

Have you ever done it to Ravel's Bolero?

Yes, I realize this is an unusual situation.

That's why I thought I'd give State a jingle...

...before I decided to pass sentence on a soviet clown.

Uh-huh. Right. Thank you.

Have you ever seen The Attack of the 50 Foot Woman?

Just so you'll know, Judge Stone.

There will be grave consequences should anything happen to one of our citizens...

...while you have seen fit to jail their custodian.

Your agent broke the law, Mr. Karpov.

I see nothing illegal in protecting our country's interests.

Come on, I hear that from you people everyday.

Maybe if you would refrain from filling all of Western Europe with cruise missiles...

...you wouldn't have to.

Well, maybe if you'd stop stuffing every square foot of the Ukraine with SS-20s...

...I wouldn't have to throw the devilled eggs at you.

Aha!

Well, at least we've got a dialogue going again, yeah?

Your Honor, I'm afraid there's more trouble.

- Great, who else dropped in? - No, no, somebody dropped out.

The guy that was training the ballerina bear is missing.

- Yakov's brother? - Yeah. He's gone.

Oh.

That's from Elsa.

The things that I'll do for a buck.

No, Ambassador Vlyanov, it is not my fault.

Well, fine, call my superiors.

I can assure you they will back me a 110 percent.

I don't have any superiors.

I'm dead.

Listen, we're gonna have to leave you guys here alone.

Now, I know you're both mature, responsible adults...

...so try not to throw my toys at each other, huh?

Oh, great.

One-thirty in the morning.

Suppose you think I'm any happier about that.

You're a Russian, Karpov, you're not allowed to be happy.

Hi, it's me.

Uh, it looks like I'm gonna be here a little longer than I thought.

How you feeling?

What did the doctor tell you about that?

I know. Look, I'll be home as soon as I can.

Yeah, me too.

Sweet dreams.

Your wife, she's ill?

Doctor told her to stay in bed.

Oh, heh. She had to get up and clean the house for a party.

- Sounds like my wife. - Oh?

One time, she had pneumonia, but that didn't stop her...

...from walking our little Rosa 2 miles to school through the freezing snow.

- Heh, women. - Yeah.

You can't live with them, and you can't live without them.

I have been without for two months now.

Even the dancing bear started to look good.

- Hi, Bull. - Hi.

Go ahead, kill me, just snap my neck, and get it over with.

- I got rhythm, no? - Ahh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sometimes I forget I'm strong like horse.

You haven't been cooking that wheat we've been sending over, have you?

- Did you find him? - Not yet, Yakov, no.

It's KGB, I know. They stole my brother.

I'll never see him again.

I swear to you, Yakov, we will find him, or we won't.

That sucked rocks, didn't it?

What I can't believe is that a guy that big can just vanish into thin air.

Help.

Bull, do you have any ideas?

One minute, he was here. The next minute, I hid him.

Well, that certainly narrows things down, doesn't it?

You hid lvan. Where?

I'm sorry, but I refuse to answer.

I heard about the oppression in his country.

And decided it was time to take a stand for basic human rights.

- Spill it or you're fired. - Follow me, kids.

And when my son was 7, he drew a picture of his babysitter naked...

...on the back of some of my top-secret documents.

That's terrible.

What does that remind you of?

One of your cruise missiles.

Right.

Ah, yes, I know.

Everything reminds me of missiles too.

Yeah, pop bottle, a pencil.

- This morning, it was my dachshund. - Oh, ho.

It reminded me of those new SS-18s of yours.

What SS-18s?

Oh, come on, you know, the ones you just deployed near the Aral Sea.

Say, if we were to stop deployment on those nine Pershings in Germany...

...would you pull them out of there?

Just curious. No big deal.

I could, uh, recommend it for discussion.

But it would be difficult to verify.

But if you could verify it, would you?

As I said, I could recommend it...

Would you?

I would.

For a friend.

Just a little tip, honey.

Prints make you look heavy.

Right over here, guys.

Not a bad job, Bull.

I think I went a little crazy with the blush.

What's he saying?

He thinks that you punish people in this country...

...by making them wear dresses.

Make sure he understands that he's not gonna be punished...

...once he moves here.

He's not gonna pick up much business, either.

Can you believe that?

Uh, well, not all of it.

He changed his mind about defecting.

- He's talking about his pond in Minsk. - His pond?

Yeah. It's a huge flat slab of dirty ice in the middle of nowhere.

It's his favorite place in the world.

Mine's the Hard Rock Cafe.

- Grand Canyon. - Been there. No action.

- He said... - He's afraid he'll never see his pond again.

You speak Russian?

Not a word.

Yakov, lvan's homesick.

If he moves here, there's a good chance they'll never let him go back.

And for some people, it's not so much how you live...

...as where you live.

Where you grew up, where your friends are...

...where your family is.

That's kind of tough stuff to let go of.

I don't think any of us ever let go of it completely.

I wanna go home too.

I might have overdone that.

Judge Harry, I miss Sonya.

I miss her so much...

...when I work, when I sleep, when I watch Gentle Ben.

See?

See Sonya?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've seen that picture.

Are you sure that's not Brezhnev?

Judge Harry, I love U.S.A., but I miss Sonya so much, what do I do?

Take it easy, Yakov. It's gonna be all right.

I'll be right back.

You see?

You see Sonya? Look at her smile.

Nice tooth.

- What's going on here? - How should I know? I sell tents.

- That is a lie. - Your mother wears combat boots.

Only during field maneuvers.

All right, mouseketeers, settle down. It's all over.

- It is? - Yeah, I made a few phone calls.

And our two governments have worked out a little trade.

Oh, please, no more wheat.

We will return lvan to you.

In exchange, your government will furnish his brother's wife and children with visas...

...so that they can come here and live with him.

Oh, heh, heh.

Thank you. Oh, God bless you, Judge Harry.

God...

Uh, I'll mop up spit.

He's lying. You set the whole thing up.

There's the phone. You can call your respective embassies and check it out.

Me first.

Fine, I'll just use my pen.

Okay, that takes out the last of the Minutemen.

Provided we get on-site verification on removal of your SS-18s.

Relax, Martin, relax. It's here.

We settled on the use of your long-range bombers?

Subject to our verification of your submarines.

- Aha. - And that goes into effect, July 4, 1989.

- Oh, you better make that the 5th. - Huh?

It's a three-day weekend.

Okay, let me think now. That's...

Even the Tomahawks, the ICBM pact, all carrier-based aircraft...

Yes, yes, it's all here.

What's next?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

- I can't believe that. - I'm having trouble myself.

- We've covered everything. - Do you know what we have here?

This document effectively gets rid of every existing nuclear warhead...

...by January 1 st, 1997.

- Happy New Year. - Hey, hey, Happy New Year.

Uh, Judge Stone wanted me to tell you that everything's been taken care of.

And you're both free to go.

- Thank you. Right.

- Well... - Uh...

I will see you in Geneva for the talks next month.

That's right.

- Listen, have a good flight. - Oh.

You too.

My best to you.

And yours.

You take care, Nikolai.

You know something?

The two of us, a Soviet and an American, just sat up half the night...

...put together an arms agreement that works.

That's fair.

I know that.

- That's feasible. - Completely.

You think they'll buy it?

- No. - No.

Judge Harry, I wanna thank you very much.

Wait till Sonya gets here. She's gonna run down here.

- She's gonna grab you, and kiss you... - Oh, no, no, no, that's all right.

I mean, a card will do.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

- Not what after you just did. - Oh, Yakov.

Please, Judge Harry, where I grew up, when man like you comes along...

...we pray that little piece of him becomes a part of us.

So we go like this:

Thank God it was quick.